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Johnathon was working in his office. Yet again.
You were waiting in bed. Yet again.
He’d been at that computer ever since he came home from work. From the looks of it, Johnathon’s gonna be sleeping in his office with how much work he has. You understand how stressed he may be, how much paperwork he’s probably dealing with. But that doesn’t mean you can’t feel what you feel right now.
To put it lightly, you feel...neglected. Maybe it’s selfish to feel that way, but you truly do. You’ve been feeling this for a while now, though you always managed to scourge up enough excuses for Johnathon to keep your feelings at bay. Clearly Johnathon is busy. You can wait.
Shuddering a breath, you sit up now. The hallway illuminated with a faint hue of blue coming from the crack of the door of the office. From here you could hear Johnathon’s gentle clicking and clacking of the keyboard. You miss him.
Treading through the hallway, you hesitate at the door.
Come to bed, you had begged.
I’ll be there, Johnathon would respond.
Go sleep, you’d urge.
In a minute, Johnathon would assure.
It’s been like this for a while now. Not a single night would Johnathon come to bed. In the morning, you would find him passed out along his desk, the fans of his pc whirring noisily to show how long Johnathon had been working the night prior. This kind of lifestyle is concerning and rather infuriating. How much longer do you have to wait to actually eat dinner with your partner?
You squeeze your eyes closed for a moment, recomposing yourself. He’s busy. It’s not right of you to be mad at him like that. The door creaks when you open it. Behind it sat Johnathon at his usual spot, typing away at his computer. He hadn’t even bothered to turn on the lamp that you always scolded him to use.
Working in the dark will kill your eyes, Johnny.
I got it, babe!
You breathe softly, leaning against the doorway. You watch him work for a moment before gently rapping against the wall.
Johnathon jolts at that, spinning around to look at you, “Oh, you scared me.” He looked pretty much dead.
“Sorry,” You softly smiled. Johnathon smiled back before quickly turning back to his screen to work. Great.
You try again. “It’s getting really late, Johnny. Let’s go to bed.”
“Oh yeah, I’ll be there, I just gotta get this last bit done.”
The sound of his typing never falters.
You breathed, folding your arms as you stared hard at Johnathon, “You’ve been at it for hours now. You need to sleep.”
“I said I’ll be there. I have to finish this, though.”
Click-clack. Click-clack. The sound grew louder inside of your head, like a clock ticking. Tick, tick, tick, again and again and again, the same excuses, the same assurances, but it never changes. It’s like you’re experiencing a series of major déjà vu.
You couldn’t handle this any longer. You frown, “Johnathon, c’mon, just go to bed,” you spoke in a rather tired tone.
“Jesus, I said I’d be there. Can you just let me work?”
The typing continued. You stood there, dumbfounded, yet the typing continued. The noise pounded in your head. You felt sad, you felt mad, you felt upset. Your patience had snapped in a single sentence and you had had enough of this bullshit. Every night it’s the same, it’s all the same, he never tries, he goes to his office, he sits, you lay in bed as you listen to the click-clack, click-clack, click-clack, click-clack —
“Why are you like this?” Your words slipped from your lips, a soft, quiet expression.
The typing stops. The chair spins, Johnathon staring up at you with a puzzled look, “What?”
“You keep saying you’re going to bed, but you end up just sleeping in your office, like, I don’t…It’s getting repetitive, don’t you think?” As embarrassing as it was, your voice came out shaky. You hate getting mad at your partner, but you two needed this. Maybe this’ll change Johnathon’s mind.
But just by staring back at the tired man, it seems like nothing is clicking with Johnathon. “I’m busy. I have things to do at a certain deadline, so I need to get them done. I keep falling asleep in here ‘cause I get tired okay, wait, why are you mad?”
“I’m not mad, I’m just annoyed, y’know, ‘cause you keep saying you’ll be there, but you never do. You keep, I don’t know, lying — ”
“Lying?” Johnathon smiled in an irritated manner. “Lying, what are you even… I’m not lying, babe, why are you — Wait, I’m confused, can’t you see I’m working? Obviously I want to go to bed, I’m just too busy trying not to lose my job.”
“Well, it’s been going like this for weeks now, I barely see you. We don’t even share a conversation anymore, Johnathon, I don’t…I don’t like this.”
“You don’t like this, okay.” He falls back against the chair, letting out a scoff as he holds his scalp, his eyes closed, trying to comprehend this stupid of a situation.
But you didn’t think this was stupid. This was clearly important to you. “Why are you laughing?”
“I’m not laughing, I’m just —“
“I miss seeing you in bed with me, Johnathon, I’m trying to fix our schedule so we can see each other more often. Like, I understand that you’re busy, of course you are, but this isn’t healthy. For either of us.”
“Can we just deal with this later? I’m busy.”
“When is later?”
“Wow, okay, and you’re pulling that card.”
“What card! I’m just trying to figure out when you’re actually available so that we can have our first conversation of the week, Johnathon, I miss you! Is that so bad?”
“Now is not the time! I have work!”
Unbelievable. You were going to lose your mind. “Oh my god, Johnathon, you just don’t get it,” You looked up to the ceiling, feeling that familiar sting of pain in your eyes and throat.
“What do you mean ‘I don’t get it,’ I’m working! What —! What are you doing, are you, like, bored? Not tonight, okay, I need to work.”
“You’re working your ass off and for what! I don’t even know what you’re doing at work, if all this is even worth it!”
“You know why I can’t tell you, holy shit, what are you even doing!”
“Go find a different job, there are plenty of other people wanting someone like you! Don’t waste your time at Alchemax, I’ve been telling you this for a long time! Been living and breathing this shitty job for the past months, Johnathon, this isn’t — This isn’t right! At this rate you’ll just end up dying there, too!”
“Just get out!”
You scoff, smiling tightly to fight back the burning tears that begged to pour from the corners of your eyes. Alas, it was no use. You sniff, looking off to the side quietly.
At this moment, Johnathon realized that he went too far. A stammer, then a pause. A reach, but he pulls back. He wasn’t sure what the right words were. It’s clear to him that, yeah, maybe this isn’t actually healthy. He’s been overworked, he’s been starved, suffering in massive sleep debt, but he had no right to shout, Johnathon knows that. And to make you cry? This was not right.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, I-I’m just really stressed with everything and they’re just piling all this stuff for me to do,” Johnathon spoke with such quietness, watching you stand there in the darkness, light gleaming against the tears that dripped from your cheeks. He sighs shakily, “We’re at our last stretch, I promise we are. When we’re over this bridge, things will be back to normal, I promise.”
He waited for you to say something, to at least move. But nothing. Your eyes were glued against the wall, that smile faltering ever so slightly. Those tears continued to flow.
“Babe,” he urged softly.
You let out an airy laugh, shaking your head as you look down to the carpet, “Whatever.”
Silence bled into the room. Johnathon swallowed, watching you shake your head before you finally looked up, your wet eyes illuminated by the screen behind him. It was only until now that Johnathon realized how exhausted you appeared.
“Whatever, if you don’t think there’s anything wrong with us then cool. Whatever. Go work, I don’t care. Clearly that’s far more important.”
Johnathon’s heart shrunk. “No, I didn’t mean that, I want to talk, please — ”
You laugh, gazing upon the office wall that was scribbled with all sorts of calibrations in complete disbelief. “Oh my god, okay, you know what your issue is? No matter how much someone asks for you to listen, you just don’t! You’re in your own little bubble separated from the rest of the world! You don’t care what anyone ever says because you hate being contradicted, you just want everything your way!”
“I come up to you because I’m worried about you, I’m worried about us, but, oh, that’s ‘too stressful for you?’ Don’t you understand that I’m stressed, too? I’m working day in and day out! Despite everything, you’re still my number one priority, Johnathon, why can’t you fucking get that? Every time I try to start up a conversation, you’re immediately in your office and you’re gone for the rest of the day! I stay up to at least wish you good night before we go to sleep, but even then you’re still gone!”
The air was still. Johnathon could barely breathe as he watched you tremble, sobbing silently in front of him. Sobbing because of him. He did this.
You sniffed, shaking your head once more. Leaning back, you averted your eyes from Johnathon.
“I don’t know, Johnathon,” You’d murmur softly. “Maybe…Maybe this isn’t working out.”
Johnathon’s heart was about to fall apart. He sat up straighter, “No, don’t say that. Please don’t say that.”
“We don’t see each other anymore, I-I don't know what you want me to do,” You held yourself tightly, maintaining your composure as best as you could, but simply standing there near Johnathon made things feel worse. You bite your lower lip, shaking your head once more as you grabbed ahold of the doorknob. “I’m going to sleep.”
”Wait, wait, wait, we have to talk about this — “
”Now you wanna talk — How about this, let’s deal with this tomorrow.” You couldn’t bear another second in this confined room.
Now, Johnathon begins to get up, slipping over the fallen piles of paper and shoes upon the carpet, pleading, “Please, I don’t know what came over me, I never meant any of that, please, let’s talk right now, please.”
But, oh, you just shook your head and shook and shook as you pulled the doorknob, exiting the room before the door came to a sudden halt. Johnathon kept it open, pulling it back on his end as he continued to beg, “Don’t do this, please, I’m so sorry, okay, please, please, god, please don’t walk away, please.”
Eyes squeezed closed, tears fleeting from your eyes as you tugged onto the doorknob, you were practically fighting to close the door. This was all too ridiculous, it felt childish. “Just let me go to bed,” You’d cry out quietly.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so stupid, I should have never yelled at you, you never deserved that, please, please, let’s talk, god, please!” Johnathon’s words came out cracky; wet. As much as he tried to keep the door open, you were too strong and was basically close to shutting the door. Suddenly, Johnathon slides himself through the narrow crack of the door, nearly crushing his abdomen with how hard you tried slamming the door close.
“Just stop, Johnathon, I tried talking to you literally two minutes ago! I’m tired! Let me sleep!” Roughly scrubbing the tears off your eyes, you stormed back to the bedroom.
“No, wait!” Johnathon winced in pain as he ran behind you, managing to grab your arm. “Please, I know how much of an idiot I can be — I am! I am an idiot, okay?! But, please, please, I can’t have you going to bed like this, god, I-I’m. I'm so sorry, I’m so so sorry.”
You twisted within his grip, fighting to release yourself from his hands, but to no avail.
”Please..”
Johnathon held you tighter when you suddenly jerked harder, pulling your arm towards yourself. He just won’t let go. Angry, you finally look at Johnathon, letting out heavy breathes, hot tears pouring from your eyes. You meet his eyes, god, his large, brown eyes, that sense of tenderness returning in those sweet eyes. You’re both tired. The last thing either one of you should be doing is get mad at the other. As much as you wanted to shout at Johnathon, to rip your arm away from his hand, to run into bed, all that came out was a quiet choked sob. Your shoulders slumped as your whole body sank, looking down at the floor as you cried.
“God, what are we doing?” You covered your eyes with your free hand. Johnathon watched as you trembled, weeping silently within the darkness. His dear partner. God, he hates himself for making you feel this way. He gently lets go of your forearm, tracing down to your hand now.
Fingers hesitantly intertwining with the other, Johnathon finally breathes. He looked back up to your face, but you remained hidden beneath your hand, weeping. Johnathon held your hand tighter, ever so gently urging you closer.
“I should’ve been making more time for you,” He began quietly. “I’m sorry for everything back there. You can hate me, I deserve it, I don’t even know why I got so…so mad. You’re the love of my life, I shouldn’t be…I should never be mad at you.” Johnathon hates himself for acting out like that. Nothing can ever fix up that hole.
You remained quiet, shaking as you let out faint sniffs and shaky breaths. It ached Johnathon to just watch you like this, he felt useless. He’s never one for emotions. He hated this. He hates himself.
“I can’t lose you,” He spoke carefully. “God, anything but you.”
Reluctant at first, Johnathon pulls you closer, in which you finally let him. There was a faint dismissiveness, but nonetheless you chose to follow suit. You weeped, “I-I’m sorry,” breaking into more tears as you buried your face into your hand.
“No…No, babe, you’ve done nothing wrong, please don’t say sorry,” Johnathon quickly held the side of your face, ever so gently brushing his thumb against your cheekbone in an assuring manner. Eventually, you;d lets go of his own face, allowing Johnathon to wipe the tears from your eyes.
“I shouldn’t have yelled either, I should’ve just stopped,” You’d respond between your tears. But Johnathon quickly came in to shush you, reaching with his other hand to hold his lover’s face properly. His calloused thumbs brushed upon your cheeks as you wept soundly, like a giant baby. You don’t remember the last time you cried like this but, boy, does it feel good. To be held, to be heard as you sobbed your heart out.
“I just miss you, Johnny,” You pressed forward, wrapping your arms around his neck. You held him tightly, quickly being met with his own arms around your back, squeezing you just as tight. “God, I miss you so much…”
Johnathon held you closely, murmuring sweet mantras of ‘I love you’s and ‘I’m sorry’s millions of times against your hair, breathing in the faint scent of shampoo. He hadn’t held you like this for a while. No wonder you got so mad.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” Johnathon breathes out as he pressed his face into the crook of your neck, holding you ever so dearly. “I’ll make it up to you, okay? Make up all that time lost, I’ll actually go to bed tonight, okay?”
“You don’t have to do that…” You sniffed.
“No, no, I want to, I really want to,” He peels away, tilting down to get a better look at you as he holds your face. “We can wake up together tomorrow morning and… and have coffee. Coffee in bed, just like we used to do. Alright? God, I can’t believe I made you feel like this, god, I’m such…”
You watched him shake his head as he curled his lips in frustration, fighting back tears that began to build up in his eyes. The longer he stayed looking at his partner, the more he felt terrible.
Johnathon sighs, “I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m sorry. You let me treat you like this way for weeks now and you still kept trying to make me go to bed, god. God, I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me.”
He swallows, opening his mouth to say something but he was afraid if he’d just start crying on the spot. So, he stops, just gazing at his lover. How could he have hurt you like that? Maybe you were right to call this off. Obviously, he wouldn’t want that to happen, you being his partner, the love of his life, his heart and soul. He couldn’t imagine a day without you. Just that thought alone is enough to send Johnathon in a breakdown.
But, oh, the person you are, your hands reached up to hold onto Johnathon’s wrist. You held him ever so gently, staring into his eyes, “You’re exhausted, Johnny.”
A breath, “…Yeah...”
He lets you pull his hands off his face, lowering them, “I don’t know what they’re having you do at Alchemax. But I don’t think it’s worth all this trouble.”
Your hand now takes his face, gently sliding a piece of hair behind Johnathon’s ear. There, you held him, gazing into his tired face. “I get it. This is your life’s work, you’ve been working towards this since… forever.”
You’d exhale, watching Johnathon lean into your palm, “I just hate how they treat you. You work so hard for them, Johnny, and you keep… taking it.”
Johnathon’s fingers wrapped around your hand, holding you ever so tightly as he brushed his lips against your finger. He closed his eyes, breathing you in.
“We’re almost done,” His long lashes fluttered open, his brown doe eyes looking back up to meet yours. “I promise, once we initiate the machine, things will go back to normal. No more late night shifts.”
But you only squinted softly, a soft frowning splitting between your lips before you sighed. “You’re a brilliant man, Johnathon. Alchemax doesn’t deserve you.”
A soft chuckle slipped from Johnathon as he glanced away.
“I’m serious, Johnny. There are plenty of other organizations that’ll want you after all this. Leave Alchemax.”
Silence fell over you two. Clearly Johnathon wasn’t too keen on quitting Alchemax. It really isn’t that easy. He’d been a part of this company for a couple of years now, dedicating his life to quantum mechanics. The workplace isn’t the nicest, sure, but what do you expect from a building stuffed with snobby scientists? Everyone of them are striving to make it up top with their new revelations. He just hoped maybe they’d have been a bit nicer now that his idea had been selected.
…Then, again, Johnathon had grown accustomed to this kind of behavior. It wasn’t until he met you, the only person who had shown him how to actually be cared for, how to properly love and be loved.
He groans quietly, closing his eyes as he holds you closer. “…I hate that you’re always right.”
Finally, you were able to smile, even if it was a little one. Your thumb brushed against his cheekbone, running through his scratchy beard as you gazed at Johnathon’s face for a moment.
“I just want you to be happy. And healthy. You haven’t slept in a bed since last Tuesday. I doubt that you eat anything at work, either,” Your words were gentle, soft as you pressed closer, taking a good, long look at him in the bleak darkness of the hallway. “And I miss you. I miss holding you while we sleep.”
Johnathon looks back at you. That same question flies into mind: how could he have gotten this bad?
He reaches down to hug you now, tightly, burying his face into the crook of your neck. “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, I am such a horrible boyfriend. I’m such an idiot, I’m so so stupid —“
But you assured him, holding him in return as you laughed, “It’s okay, Johnny, relax, we’re okay.”
Johnathon plasters kisses against your cheek now, mixing in with his tsunami of apologies and maybe even a few tears. This baby.
“I’m sorry I freaked you out. I was getting really nervous about us and I didn’t know what to do.”
“No!” Johnathon peels back, eyelashes soaked with tears, “No, you had every right to freak me out, I-I needed that wake up call, I’ve been in my head for, like, a really long time! I would’ve probably let this go on for so long because, god, I’m such…Fuck, babe, I’m so so so —“
But you leaned in to silence him with a kiss, Johnathon responding with an exclaimed grunt. It was short and sweet, you pulling back slowly, reluctantly glancing back up to Johnathon who appeared to be dazed.
Your thumb traced down to the bottom of his lip, brushing it gently. “I love you, okay? We’ll fight like this sometimes and that’s okay. We just have to get over it together. Talk it out. Try not to hide so many secrets because I still don’t know how big this project really is.”
And before Johnathon came in to re-explain his very vague project, you managed to back yourself up just in time, “I know it’s classified and it’ll be revealed later and stuff, still, I’m just. Worried. Rich people do bad things, Johnathon. I just don’t want you to be thrown out like trash, y’know?”
Your constant worrying always made Johnathon feel so giddy inside. He smiles at you, nodding gently, “Yeah, I know… But don’t worry. I’m fine. This is gonna be big. It’s probably gonna make us hella money! Once it’s finalized, investors are bound to throw their money on this!”
“No doubt about that,” You’d laugh softly. You look into his face once again, watching the light finally return to those sweet eyes of his, like a candle finally being relit. You knew Johnathon would do great things. He’s a genius, afterall. It’s only a matter of how he’ll do it.
“Just be safe. Take care of yourself.”
Johnathon nods, “I will. I promise I will. Things are gonna be different, okay?”
You could only laugh as Johnathon went to hold onto your hands, eagerly shaking them, “Okay, okay, shaking my hand like we just made a deal, what is wrong with you?”
“God, I love you. I love you so much,” Johnathon planted kisses against the knuckles of your hands. Of course, you ripped them away, pushing Johnathon’s face to the side.
“Jesus, you’re so weird, go finish your work and go to bed!” You rolled your eyes playfully.
“Right, yeah, I’ll be there. Actually. I love you,” Another kiss against your cheek, “I love you so much.”
“Go!” You would laugh.
And he does, scampering away to his office once more. The typing continued, but there was less urgency in the way he typed. You scoffed at that as you returned to bed.
—
34 minutes pass, you were nearly dozing off. Just as soon as your eyelids shut, the click of your lamp was heard. Opening your eyes, it was dark, followed by a bounce of the bed. Arms wrap around your waist as they held you closely, Johnathon letting out a long exhale into your shoulder.
“Did you finish?” Your hands trailed down to hold onto Johnathon’s.
Johnathon hummed in dismissal, “Mm-mm.”
“…You didn’t?”
“Nah…I missed you.”
You scoff, smiling to yourself.