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“5 6 7 8!”
The sound of footsteps echoes in the room, and the dance instructor watches the seven members like a hawk – observing for even the slightest mistake.
It draws on for maybe another 15 minutes, and fortunately, the dance instructor soon calls a break.
“Okay! 15 minute break, everyone.”
Heeseung and Jungwon collapse into a pile of tangled limbs in the corner of the dance studio room, while Sunghoon leans back and sits down against the mirror.
Ni-ki, on the other hand, has gone straight over to the instructor, probably with the objective of receiving feedback on their dance practice just now.
Sunoo and Jay lay down on the cold, hard floor – though they don’t complain, they’ve slept on worse surfaces during promotion seasons.
Immediately, and predictably, the two of them start to bicker over a dance move, but Jake doesn’t pay any mind to the conversation.
He looks at himself in the mirror.
Am I hallucinating or do I look kinda big? He wonders, and traces the softer jaw, and the slight filling in of his wrists.
Shit. He’s definitely gained weight, probably just a pound or two, but it feels devastating.
And suddenly he’s interrupted by the loud call of their manager, who is looking down at them sternly.
“I’ve come to inform you guys about a weigh in. It will take place in 2 weeks. The standards are higher than before, I could say. I’ve sent an official height and weight chart – to the group chat. Please make sure to fit that outline.”
Ping!
Jake checks his phone, and, as the manager has just informed, a photo has been sent to them.
183cm 58-59kg
181cm 57-58kg
180cm 56-57kg
179cm 55-56kg
177cm 54-55kg
175cm 53-54kg
It’s pretty normal for what Hybe usually gives them, though he does note that the weights had a broader range last time they were given a weigh-in standard chart.
Logically, Jake knows that these are completely unrealistic and that it would make them bone-dry skinny. But the thought is pushed down, because outside logistics don’t matter here – the company ones do.
The second the manager leaves the room with a click of the door, the rest of the Enhypen members raise their voices in outrage – they’ve just read the chart, too.
Jay is the first one Jake can hear clearly.
“What the hell are these weights? Do they expect us to be bones on bones?”
Heeseung nods in agreement, “It’s so unrealistic! This is stupid. I don’t care if they try to force me on a diet if I don’t meet their standards, I’m not losing weight to this. We’ll be fainting on stage, and mind you, they refuse to let us lip sync, even with how intense the choreos are. It’s not like other idols don’t do it!”
Sunoo pipes in, his usually sunny expression has soured a little. Jake hates seeing Sunoo like that. Jake thinks he looks terrifying, authoritative, even when he’s mad.
“Ugh! We’re already skinny, but I’m pretty sure I don’t fit this standard. Last time I checked I was like – 59 kilos. At 177cm. They’re gonna be on my ass for this.”
“Jake-ah, what do you think?” Sunghoon asks, tilting his head towards Jake.
He replies, “Um.. I mean, we can do it, right? It’s only like 2 kilograms to lose, and we’ve got 2 weeks. It’ll be ok.”
“That’s besides the point! Obviously we can lose, Jaeyun, but what we need to reach is just too little!” Heeseung says, and Jake can hear the firmness in his voice.
Jake scratches his nape sheepishly, and says, “Right.”
“Enough! Calm down, you won’t die if you lose a kilo or two. It’s time to restart dance practice,” the instructor yells, and annoyance seeps through every syllable.
Soon enough, the music is turned back on, and they’re back to the soul-sucking, tiring dances.
****************
It’s quiet in the dorm after everyone has taken a shower (they’ve probably had enough of bickering on who showers first.)
They’ve gathered into the living room, sprawled over the sofas like koalas.
“So. Everyone, we already know what Hybes gonna do if we don’t fit the standard,” Ni-ki says, and he sounds just as anxious as to firm.
The memory isn’t something forgettable – when Hybe had found Jungwon to be “overweight”, when in reality it was just a healthy weight, they’d forced him into an insane diet and workout routine.
“This is horrible. I just gained weight, like a week ago,” Jake panics, and he hates the way his anxiety spills through his words, “I might be 59kilos, too much for them. I need to lose—“
“Shh, Jake. No need to panic. It’s gonna be okay, we can blackmail Hybe or something. Bribe them? Expose them on weverse and sue them or something? Nah, that wouldn’t work,” Jay interrupts his little rant, “But you do not have to lose weight.”
Jay tries to reach Jake, but he’s already sunk into his own thoughts. The man wonders if he’s already plotting out ways to lose the excess weight.
“Jake? Jakey? Come to your senses, man.”
“O-oh, sorry. Sorry, was thinking. Yea.. we’ll figure it out..” Jake replies, he sounds unconvinced, but Jay doesn’t push any further.
The clock strikes closer and closer to 12, leading them to agree to go to bed so they’ll have energy for a photoshoot tomorrow.
A concept photoshoot, that is, for their next comeback.
Jake’s lying in bed, keeping his eyes shut but his mind refuses to drift off into dreamland.
Comeback on comeback on comeback. When will we ever get to rest?
I’m so tired of this. Anyways. I need to lose weight. Maybe.. only one fruit a day for the next two weeks?…
Luckily for him, his tiredness from a day worth of dull dance practice eventually washes him into sleep.
**************
The studio lights are harsh and bright, hyper focusing on every imperfection on their faces.
Jake watches Jungwon and Jay complete their duo shoots, then he’s called for a duo shoot with Sunoo. The poses are suggestive – no doubt crafted for the fans to ship. Sunoo looking down on Jake who’s on his knees, Sunoo tilting his face up, etc, etc.
Sunoo is styled very simply, a black compression shirt, a leather jacket and dark pants. He talks about how his face is the main part of the outfit, and Jake can’t help but agree. He looks absolutely stunning, and the makeup really is spot-on today.
Jake is dressed in a pair of black shorts that hang above his knees, and a large jacket engulfs his shirt, making it so no one can see it.
Styling today really is super simplistic. I hope we get better outfits for the next photoshoot. Cause for some reason we need 3 versions of the concept photos. Jake thinks while posing, whatever position the cameraman wants him to pose into.
His stomach growls, and he remembers he hasn’t eaten anything today. He’s saving his one fruit of the day for when he really needs it.
He plans not to eat it at all if he really doesn’t feel the need to (which is, if he’s not in god awful pain because his stomach is begging for any kind of solid meal.)
When their turn is over, a stylist rushes over to Jake. She says something about how Jake’s got solo shoots later on, and he needs a retouch for his clothes and makeup. Jake dismisses this. But he doesn’t dismiss the careless comments she makes.
”Jake-ssi, your waist has gotten a bit bigger! I’m gonna have to change the pant size.”
The photoshoot stretches on for hours, until they’re finally dismissed. They’ve no other schedule for today, which is an incredibly rare and also enjoyable occurrence.
“Let’s get food!” Sunoo suggests, and receives teasing for that – something along the lines of being a foodie, but they all agree to grab food either way.
“I wanna get barbecue!”
“No, let’s get sushi.”
“What about ramen?”
“Ugh, no Heeseung hyung. We can eat that at home.”
“Ok, what about pizza?”
Jake really can’t give a damn about this conversation – he doesn’t plan to eat anything so it doesn’t matter to him whatever restaurant they go to.
It only takes 5 minutes of 6 grown men bickering to finally settle on eating sushi.
*************
The restaurant is bustling with people, and they’re lucky to find a seat in the far corner.
As Jay decides to pay for the meal, it only makes sense that they order whatever they want without sparing a thought for the price – and Jay looks as remorseful as he ever has looked.
“My bank account…”
Sunoo only shoots a mischievous smile at the man, and says, “You brought this upon yourself, hyung.”
And that part is true. They would usually split the bill when they ate out, but Jay, feeling generous had offered to pay this singular time.
Sunghoon is the first to notice Jake’s untouched chopsticks. And of course it’s Sunghoon, his best friend, closest friend, he could even say.
“Jake, aren’t you going to eat something?”
“Of course! I was just thinking.”
A flat lie.
..But now he actually has to eat. So he picks up his chopsticks, a little animatedly, and reaches for a piece of sushi from the huge boat of it (Sunoo’s doing.)
He wills himself to eat an amount that will satisfy the others, and in doing so, he eats a little too much.
Drop the little.
He ate way too much.
“Wow, Jake! That’s a lot you ate.. good to see that,” Sunoo says, and he doesn’t notice how Jake feels a wave of nausea at that.
His brain starts to scold itself immediately.
Sim Jaeyun, the fat piggie.
Sim Jaeyun with no self control.
Do something about it now.
And so he thinks of the only thing he’s ever used as a solution to overeating.
He hasn’t done this in years.… doesn’t matter.
“I’m going to use the restroom,” he says, standing from his seat quickly enough to avoid the questions.
The bathroom stall clicks sharply behind him, and he kneels infront of the toilet, harshly; his knees will definitely bruise after this.
Should he do it?
Yes, he thinks, yes.
Jake has never been good at controlling his impulsive thoughts.
He’s never been good at stopping himself from doing awful things either.
What’s awful isn’t that he’s got two fingers in his mouth, willing himself to push further – it’s that he ate too much, and now he’s here. It’s his fault anyway. He shouldn’t have eaten like a fat pig.
Jake can’t help but notice his stomach that sticks out a little too far for his liking, the skin that looks too big on his bones, and it’s all his fault. He let himself go, he let himself become this big.
Flashback
It was a sunny day. Jake had chosen to wear shorts and shirt to school that day, given the heat. Before that day, he’d never even noticed his legs and thighs that were slightly too big, or his arms that held too much fat.
Jake wasn’t even fat, he only had a tiny bit of extra weight. He was a healthy kid. But healthy isn’t the standard, is it?
The relentless words followed him like a swarm of angered wasps.
“Fattie!”
“Pig!”
“You fat fuck!”
That night, he’d felt hot tears roll down his face for the first time since his mom yelled at him 2 years ago.
The day after that, after dinner, was the first time he’d held two fingers down his throat.
And it wasn’t the last time.
Neither was the next, the next, nor the next.
He had stopped purging only a few years ago, after his doctor told him something about damaged enamels and other things he hadn’t payed mind to.
Now he’s back here, back to the same position a 13 year old Sim Jaeyun had been in.
One.
Two.
Three.
He’s gagging too much, and saliva starts to coat his fingers. And no vomit comes up, no trace of the food he ate comes back up. He needs to get it out – the pit of his stomach feels too full, and the overwhelming sensation of guilt takes over him.
Just do it, you can do it.
Finally, after what feels like years (it was really just 5 minutes or so), Jake can feel the food trace its way back out of his body, and into the glistening water in the toilet bowl.
No, it’s not enough.
It’s not enough removed from his stomach, so he thrusts his fingers back down.
He doesn’t stop repeating this action until his jaw hurts, and only a clear, greenish liquid surfaces – bile, he’s gotten rid of absolutely everything.
Clean is the feeling.
Clean from amounts of food only a fat pig would consume.
Standing up, he flushes away every trace of what he had done, and makes sure to wash his face before leaving the bathroom.
“Oh! Yall are done?” He asks upon seeing the rest of the members waiting for him by the restaurant exit.
“Yea. You were in there a bit long, feeling alright?”
It’s sunghoon who asks, it’s always sunghoon.
“Oh, yea. Long line. Was crowded,” the lie slips through his smile once again, undetectably. Liar.
Sunghoon hums, though whether he believes Jake or not, he doesn’t know.
The ride back to the dorms is quiet. The van meets some bumps in the road at times, but apart from that there’s no commotion at all. Everyone’s drained from a days schedule, nobody has the energy to open their mouths at this point.
**************
A week passes with no major occurrences. But there is one thing on the other 6 members’ mind.
They’re not blind.
They can see Jake push food around on his plate, and they definitely can see the thinning of his arms and legs, the hollowing of his collarbone. He seems to have lost nearly 4 kilograms, but that’s a measly estimate they make.
It’s not easy to get Jake to talk about his feelings. It takes years of building trust and safely, then it takes even more time of persuasion.
You could say some members envy the way Sunoo and Sunghoon can get Jake to talk about certain topics easily, but they understand that the level of trust wasn’t given to them – it was earned through late night talks and years of friendship.
It wasn’t a mystery to them that Jake had anorexia for 2 years when he was 13, but they don’t think he would relapse.
Keyword, think.
So when Jake starts showing signs of a relapse, they brush it off. Don’t get them wrong, they do wonder and want to pry a little, but that’s impossible with Jake.
It’s better to let him do whatever he’s doing alone until it becomes dangerous.
That’s what they all agree on in union, in unspoken agreement.
Inherently, it’s wrong. It’ll just lead to another serious situation, but no one has the time to be worrying about other members when the schedules are insane and the stress is piling up as comeback dates lurk closer than ever.
So when Sunoo hears gagging from the bathroom at 11:23pm, he decides not to knock on the door.
He doesn’t intervene. When he looks back on it 2 weeks later, he’ll regret this act.
************
Time really seems to fly by, and the two weeks given have melted away.
A few “health” inspectors are sitting in a circle, in the centre of the room. But they all know better. It’s just people who look at a pair of numbers and decide if you’re skinny enough to qualify as good looking.
The members of Enhypen sit cross-legged with their backs to the wall, waiting for their name to be called up.
Heeseung is first.
Unsurprisingly, the oldest passes easily, his naturally lean build is an advantage in the situation.
Then it’s Sunghoon, who gets marked with a warning to maintain or lose his weight.
Next up is Jay, who gets pretty much the same result as Sunghoon, and is told off in the same fashion.
“Sim Jaeyun.”
This will be the death of him, he can already feel nerves mounting, anxiety coiling in his chest, wrapping its slender arms around him, holding him in a chokehold.
But he forces his feet to move, and step on that green scale.
“49kilograms! Amazing work, Jaeyun-ssi. This is lovely.”
49?? I pass? Yes! I’ve done it, I’m good. But 49.. I could be.. even thinner.
Because who cares if you’re just average? Average people don’t stick out.
Thinner is the way. Thinner, thinner and thinner.
Until your spine sticks out like a spindly worm in your back, until even twitter starts to worry if you’re okay.
The rest of the weigh-in passes in a blur for Jake, who is feeling equal parts ecstasy at passing, and disappointment for weighing so much.
At least that’s the thought he has.
The rest of the members are looking at his small frame worriedly, wondering how they let it get this bad. How they let their Jaeyun get this skinny, this small.
“Jake. 49 kilos? That’s–that’s tiny! You weigh too little! How, how did we let you get this thin..?” Sunoo’s voice cracks a little, and his eyes are glossy. But he wills himself not to cry. He’s not the one struggling anyway.
Jungwon looks near to crestfallen, and it’s not long before he starts openly crying, pulling Jake into a hug.
It doesn’t help when he feels the jut of Jake’s bones in his arms. It only makes him cry harder.
“Don’t cry, Jungwon. I know I weigh too much, I’m going to lose it.”
“Lose? Lose? Lose? What is there to lose, hyung, what is there to fucking lose?! You’re just bones now. And you were healthy just 2 weeks ago. How? How? Don’t lose more. Please, hyung, please..”
His voice cracks and shatters toward the end of his sentence, tears track down his rosy cheeks, and he holds Jake tighter. As if he was about to break apart, and Jungwon was holding him together.
“Jungwon, I’m so sorry. So sorry. Don’t cry, yea?”
And that’s the worst part, really.
It only breaks them further to see Jake apologise with the brightest smile he can muster, so obviously fake, so sickeningly sweet.
Sim Jake is sweet.
Cloyingly sweet.
Fake.
***********
The next few weeks are just a blur of “Jake, please eat” and “Jake you need to eat.”
Jake does, he does eat.
Only he throws it all back up afterwards. But the members don’t tell him not to do that, do they? They only say eat, they never say keep it in your stomach, your body. So Jake thinks he’s pleasing both himself and his members by doing this.
He starts to notice the changes in his body when hes looking at himself in the mirror after his nightly shower.
His collarbones are prominent, his legs look like chopsticks. Even his spine sticks out a little. And his hip bones too.
It’s a disturbing sight, but all Jake sees is pretty.
He doesn’t notice how his skin has dried and paled, his hair has fallen out, and his dark circles are too prominent on his pale face.
To him, all that matters is the number on that damn scale.
It’s a Sunday afternoon when Enhypen finally sits down to talk with Jake.
Jay starts, “Jake. In all seriousness, you can’t keep going like this, please. Eat something and keep it in. How much do you even weigh?”
Jake keeps his eyes to the floor in shame.
“44kilograms.”
The number lands like a dead weight in the already silent room.
Ironic, because 44 kilograms is not a large weight, but we’re being figurative here.
“Tell me you’re joking. That’s too little! Please, gain some weight. Please, Jaeyun,” his Heeseung hyung practically begs.
It’s when Sunghoon finally snaps.
“That’s it, Jake. I’m not letting you take this any further. You’re going to the hospital.”
“No! No, please. I have to, I have to stay skinny. I have to stay pretty!”
“You’re prettier at 57kilos with hair that stays in your scalp as skin that actually glows. I’m taking you to the hospital.”
Jake’s desperate begging is drowned out by the other 6 members words, one of them calling the manger to take them to a hospital, the others talking about Jake.
*************
The hospital room is sterile and bright.
Jake looks too small in a bed that should support him, but now it just engulfs him. Doctors and nurses had talked to them about “kidney failure, muscle wasting” and other things.
But nothing could convince Jake. Nothing at all. He believed he needed to stay dangerously skinny to be good looking.
It’s heartbreaking for the members to see their bright brother breaking apart, piece by piece in a room too sterile to provide comfort even with the right words and warm hugs.
God were hospitals unwelcoming.
It seems almost as if Jake is ready to die for this.
Problem, he is.
If they want to see Jake gain weight back, or heal, that was going to take a long time.
But it doesn’t matter.
No matter how long the hiatus.
No matter how long the hospital stay.
They’ll wait until Jake is healthy and good looking.
He’s always been good looking.
They just need him to be healthy again.
And Jake doesn’t really want to die, does he?
**************
The clock has already ticked past midnight when Jake hears talking from outside his ward.
Unmistakably, it’s Heeseung and a doctor speaking.
”If he stays this way we’ll need to put in feeding tubes.”
”Surely it’s not that bad, yet?”
”We hope so. The best you can do is to make him eat, Heeseung-ssi.”
Jake drifts off into a deep slumber before he can catch the rest of the conversation. It washes him away into a world where he’s skinny, pretty and healthy.
The morning light is harsh on his dry skin.
Jay is waiting there with a bowl of rice porridge. It smells amazing.
”Jaeyun, please. You need to eat. Just one spoon? We don’t want to see you.. dying, Jake please.”
Does Jake want to die?
Does he want to make his members grieve and mourn?
I don’t, he thinks.
So he lets Jay place a spoon of porridge in his mouth, and tentatively swallows.
Its only the first step, but the two of them in the room, and the others outside are willing to be proud of that.