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It didn’t start well, did it? Well, hate to admit, but that was my fault. I made the offensive, I always did. I was aggressive like that. And you just grabbed my arm and threw me over the desk to the floor. I admired your fighting skills, but never said it out loud. That would have made me look so bad, right?
Yeah, I admire you. You thought you were weak, weaker than us, you said. Moglin’s poms you were. When Mother asked you to become our commanding officer and take care of this shitload of chickens, you could have refused. But you didn’t. You weren’t in a good shape, not in general and definitely not to take command over a class.
But there you were, as collected as ever, standing your ground against a handful of cadets who tried to assault you like bees straight from the hive. If someone had told me that day I’d fall for you so hard I’d get a headache, I’d probably have put my spear right through them.
But there I was. Gradually, inevitably, I was falling for you harder than I ever thought I could. Always hitting on the cute girls of Class Sixth, spending my free time in the lounge or Ready Room in hopes to find someone to spend the night with. I never thought past the one night.
You were nine years older than me. In experience, far beyond that. It took me long to realise that, too long. When I was playing with sticks and bricks in Mother’s institute, you were out there defending our Dominion and walking in the blood of your own classmates. It took me too long to realise how broken you were. That’s why… I’m surprised when I think back on it, the moment I was finally able to blurt it out. My feelings. There, in the middle of the arena, in the middle of combat practice. The way you looked at me, I was pretty sure you’d drive that Boreal Blade right through me. You thought I was making fun of you. Because others had, I suppose. Because you had been betrayed so many times you couldn’t tell a lie from truth any longer.
Apparently you realised soon enough that I was too stupid and straight-forward to say something like that and not mean it. When you asked me what I meant, you were still confused and suspicious. I’m one of those people who never find the words… So I acted instead. Taking your mask off and pulling you into a kiss in the middle of the lounge wasn’t maybe my brightest moment. Glad we were alone or I’d be missing a limb or two.
But that was a start, right? You were sceptical for a long time, but eventually softened. You laid down your arms, your barriers, you let me closer. I offered you affection and slowly learnt more about you. I tried – honestly – to read the reports concerning you in the Crystarium, but… You know me, I’m not good with books. And eventually found out that those records lie.
The more I learnt, the more I hurt for you. All the things I had said, me and Cater, bullying you, badmouthing you, sitting in the detention just because we were rebellious. To know that every step you took hurt you, every inhale burnt your lungs, to know that mask was a reminder of scars deeper than skin. I loathed myself, you know. I hated myself. I apologised to you, over and over and over again. And shits, you smiled. You said it was okay, that I was just a kid who needed to let out some steam. That you had been like me once. Seriously, I still don’t believe that part. If I got anything out of the records it was your grades and that’s not me. Besides… You forgiving me in the first place was proof that you were a far better person than I could ever be.
That smile the others always complained they never saw. That could kill me. I never admitted it to you though, but I’m sure you knew. I told you I’d rather look at your scars than your mask and you laughed. When I told Queen you laughed, she accused me of lying. Your smile was rare, yeah, but your laugh, seriously? So… I tried to make you smile and laugh as much as I could. I’m not sure if it was for the lame jokes themselves or the effort you smiled, but you did and that’s what mattered.
Then came that hell of Milites. I thought we were already in enough trouble with the mission and then you showed up at the hotel. I hated to see you there, out there, on the battlefield, in the freakin’ enemy territory. Of course you came out of it unharmed, but honestly, can you imagine how I felt when we escaped? I wrote your name on the back of my hand and glanced at it what felt like a million times a minute, afraid that suddenly I wouldn’t recognise the name anymore. When we returned to Akademeia, there you were. Yeah, I was angry with you. You tried so hard to stay composed, keep your calm and seem as if nothing had happened. As if you hadn’t been worried sick about us, as if you didn’t have your hands full with the inquiry against us.
Your class. We were yours, Class Zero was your class, you made it clear from the start that no-one touched us. And you took the fall for us.
You could have refused… you know? You took all the blame, you took the suicide mission just to save us. You could have told the commandant the truth. That if he sent you out there, you’d die. But seriously, your duty to us surpassed everything else… And it wasn’t just that, was it? I saw it in your eyes, I felt it, even though you avoided my questions and refused to admit it. You had seen so many people fall, you had seen so many die, your own cadetmaster sold your life. You didn’t want that to happen to us. But that you had to go and die for that? For the Dominion? For us?
I’m sitting in my own place in the classroom right now. The same place I always sat, when you gave us lectures and occasionally threw pens at me because I didn’t give a fuck about Orience’s history. I liked staring at you when you talked about things that mattered to you, but apparently you didn’t like me staring. I know you were a war veteran and all, but that’s some fucking deadly accuracy with the pens.
I’d like to say I wish you were here now with me. I’d like to say out loud how much I miss you, your eyes, your hair, your smile, your kiss. To say I’d want you here, next to me, so I could touch you.
But I won’t. Because the classroom is cold and dark. Outside, it’s raining blood. Outside, the Rursus are purging the world of people. Everyone’s just sitting around and… waiting. Tempus Finis. I thought it was just a fairy tale, you know? You were smart, you probably had a hunch of what was to come.
But in spite of everything, you know why I called you strong? Because you believed. You had faith that everything would turn out all right, that we’d stop the war and bring back peace. You fought your whole life for that. You believed in us. An aura that summons victory. You believed in us much more than you believed in yourself, did you realise that? But you were our CO. You kicked us moving and honed us, and that’s why we’re here. That’s why we’re still fighting.
We made a plan. We’re going to the Pandæmonium. We’re going to take down the Rursus and the fucking boss whatever it is and stop this. We won’t let this happen. The others can think of a plan and I’ll just bust some Rursus. That’s what I do best, right?
Because of that, I’m glad you’re not here. This… You never wanted this. You’d be sick of this fighting, this senseless killing, this injustice… You’d be sick of us having to finish what adults started. I’m glad you don’t have to see this. But I do wish… I’d had more time with you. I wish you’d have stayed with me longer than you did. Six months, right? All in all. You smacked me, you captivated me. And then after a time too long for me, you said you loved me. You let me in, but taking down your barriers that far took me long enough. You know… I love you, too. A lot more than I’m afraid I ever told you.
You know… Mother has talked about a ‘cycle of rebirth’, or something. Don’t know what that really is, but if there’s something after… this, I’d like to see you. If you’re somewhere… I don’t know, somewhere, I’ll come to you. I have a feeling we’ll see each other soon. Even if it’s just your consciousness or whatever. I’m coming, Kurasame.
You’ll be waiting, yeah?