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Hakkai woke up without an apparent reason. He did sometimes, when he was under a lot of stress and worry. Which was most of the time during their journey. The healer let his eyes get used to the dark room, slightly illuminated by the cold moonlight, and turned his head to the left.
When they had arrived at a small temple near the outskirts of the last town they had visited, they had been told there were only two rooms, with only one bed each. Obviously, the usual arrangement would have been that Hakkai share with Gojyo and Sanzo with Goku, but when Hakkai had been about to tell so to the head priest, he had felt a light touch at his elbow. He had turned to find Sanzo looking at him very gingerly, pleadingly. Hakkai only needed to take a brief look at those tired eyes to understand.
He squinted and tried to see the familiar, pointed features in the dark, but in vain.
Sanzo wasn’t there. The blanket next to his was empty, although he spotted the Marlboro pack, the lighter, and the gun next to the pillow.
Hakkai rose quickly, his heart pounding hard with sudden alarm. After the incident with Rikudo, he had been more worried about Sanzo than usually. He had a vague idea of what had happened in the forest, but he didn’t know enough to draw any conclusions as to why Sanzo was so shaken over Rikudo’s death. They had clearly known each other, but how? Who was he? If Goku didn’t know Rikudo, he must have known Sanzo a very long time ago. Hakkai took his monocle and went to the hall. Then a thought hit him.
Rikudo had called Sanzo ‘Kouryuu’. Not ‘Genjo’, but ‘Kouryuu’. A name old enough that neither Hakkai nor Gojyo had even known it. Kouryuu of the River’s Flow.
Hakkai counted his options for a few seconds, then headed towards the courtyard veranda. In Keiun, Sanzo always spent his evenings smoking on the veranda. He had once said looking up at the moon calmed him. It reminded him of Koumyou, his ‘bright light’.
He had guessed right. When he opened the sliding door, he immediately spotted the young priest sitting on the wooden edge, facing the quiet yard. Sanzo’s golden hair was tousled, as if he had at least tried to sleep, and he wore his robes down to the waist. His white, bony upper arms gleamed gently in the moonlight. He was sitting in a hunched position, one that Hakkai didn’t recall ever seeing before.
‘Sanzo?’ he asked in the most tender voice he could muster.
The shoulders tensed a little and Sanzo turned halfway to look at Hakkai. Seeing his reassuring, worried smile, Sanzo seemed to relax.
‘Sorry, did I wake you?’ the priest asked.
‘No, I woke up on my own', Hakkai said and gestured the floor next to Sanzo. ‘May I?’
A curt nod. Hakkai sat down on the edge, close enough but not too close. He knew how aggressive Sanzo was about his personal space.
‘I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out, but we have all been worried about you’, he said, still gently and still smiling. ‘Like I told you before, we all have our secrets. But sometimes… Times like this, would it help you at all to talk to me?’
Sanzo stared into the space somewhere in front of him and Hakkai dared to look closer, for just a second. The priest’s eyes were red and slightly swollen. He seemed to be holding back another fit and Hakkai assumed he had come outside to not let Hakkai see. Sanzo was like that. He never let his mask down in front of anyone. Not even Goku.
‘This is about Rikudo, isn’t it?’ Hakkai tried gently. He looked away from Sanzo, to not make him more anxious. There was a quiet ‘hmm’ and the priest fidgeted the soft fabric of his white robes. Hakkai thought that the way he behaved was the most unsanzoish he had ever seen the man.
‘His name was Shuei. Not Rikudo’, Sanzo said almost inaudibly. Fortunately becoming a youkai had enhanced Hakkai’s hearing. ‘He was… an instructor at Kinzan.’
Kinzan. That explained why none of them had seen or heard of him.
‘He had been there as long as I remember’, Sanzo continued, now with a slightly clearer voice. ‘Shuei was… different from the others. We got along. When the other novices called me a demon, he defended me, every time. We were… friends.’
The way he said the last sentence caught Hakkai’s attention. He had heard it before. He had heard it in his own voice, when he spoke of Kanan.
‘…Friends’, he repeated softly. Sanzo could not misunderstand. The blond shot him a look Hakkai couldn’t quite decipher this time. It held part surprise, part fear. Hakkai smiled again, to reassure him. They all had more skeletons in their closets than they could even count.
‘I’m sorry’, Sanzo said slowly, turning to stare at the grass. ‘You asked me to confide in you and I lied.’
‘I think I understand why.’
‘It was a stupid crush at first, from my part…’ Sanzo explained, looking very uncomfortable. ‘I was a child and Shuei was someone I could respect and befriend without thinking of him as a god like I thought of Master. But it took me years to realise the feeling was mutual.’
His voice was steadier now and Hakkai was glad to notice Sanzo seemed to find it easier to speak to him. He hadn’t expected that.
‘You saw the beads around his neck?’
‘Yes. They were glowing. It seemed to me those beads were fighting off the curse.’
‘Those beads were mine’, Sanzo said and for a second, Hakkai was surprised. But there was a part of him that had it coming. ‘They were the only thing with me when Master found me in the river. I gave them to Shuei because… They were special. Because he was special. I loved Koumyou, but my love for Shuei was different. I gave them to him the night we –‘
He stopped abruptly, not finding a suitable – or appropriate – word, and his cheeks burned a little. Hakkai couldn’t help a frown.
‘Did he…? You left Kinzan when you were…?‘
‘Thirteen’, Sanzo filled in. For a second Hakkai thought of asking the obvious, but it didn’t seem to be the case. Sanzo noticed his expression and frowned in turn.
‘It’s not what you think’, he said. ‘We… Made a promise, I guess. A promise to wait until I was of age and knew what I really wanted. All I got that night was the promise. It was the same night Master was killed and the Seiten Sutra stolen.’
Hakkai frowned again. As if Sanzo didn’t have enough nightmares. They all did, of course, but Sanzo seemed to be the most vulnerable and inclined to insomnia.
‘I had no idea I caused Shuei such pain after I left’, Sanzo whispered, looking at his injured left hand. ‘Now I know why he never replied to my letters. There wasn’t anyone left in Kinzan. Me and Shuei… We were the last ones alive. Now it’s just me.’
‘Sanzo, please’, Hakkai pleaded. ‘You can’t take all the blame for what happened. You couldn’t have known. And you protected the Maten Sutra.’
‘I know. I told Shuei… Rikudo, as much’, Sanzo said. And suddenly, there was a soft, sad smile on his lips. He never smiled, Hakkai thought. And when he did, it was for Goku when Goku wasn’t looking.
‘When the beads broke, Shuei regained himself for a second’, Sanzo said. ‘He grabbed my wrist and pointed the gun at himself. He said that if… That if I didn’t exist, he would have lost himself much sooner.’
The smile remained, and Hakkai saw a tear roll down his reddened cheek.
It was unfair. It was so unfair Hakkai couldn’t even find the words. Why did all the shit seem to pile up on the same people?
‘Sanzo’, he said and the priest looked up. ‘I know you dislike this, but… Please, this once. Let me.’
Sanzo seemed surprised, but didn’t push him away when he embraced the shorter man. Slowly, Hakkai felt the tension leave his muscles and Sanzo leant his forehead against his shoulder, grabbing the back of Hakkai’s shirt and giving in to the warmth provided. It was only then that Hakkai noticed how chilly the night was. Sanzo’s skin felt cold, colder than it should have been, and he wondered how long the man had been out there before he woke up.
‘Let’s go back inside’, he said quietly, rubbing Sanzo’s back. He grimaced at the feel of bones. ‘As the healer of this company, I can’t let you get any colder. Especially when you’re wounded.’
Helping him up, Hakkai led Sanzo back to their room. He had Sanzo sit on the bed they shared, digging up a blanket from their own luggage and wrapping it around him. After making sure he wouldn’t freeze to death, he left for the small kitchen to make some tea. He’d be sure to clean up afterwards and explain himself in the morning to the cook.
When he returned to their room, Sanzo was still sitting on the bed as ordered. He was staring out of the window, but turned to look at Hakkai when he came in. Hakkai noticed the pack of cigarettes was still untouched.
‘How peculiar’, he said with a small smile and Sanzo inclined his head, taking the offered tea cup. ‘You always smoke when you’re stressed.’
‘I smoke when I’m anything.’
‘True enough.’
Hakkai sat on the bed and gave a mental sigh of relief noticing that Sanzo seemed a little better – a little closer to his usual, grumpy self. Sanzo seemed to notice that, though.
‘Shouldn’t you be happy?’ he asked, staring at the tea instead of Hakkai. ‘You always complain about my smoking.’
‘I guess I should be’, Hakkai laughed. ‘But I’m happy when I see you relax. You’re tense all the time as it is.’
‘That’s only because our kappa and monkey can’t keep their shit together’, Sanzo actually gritted his teeth and Hakkai burst into laughter. The priest started to finally sound like his usual foul-mouthed self.
‘Tell me, Hakkai’, he said then. ‘Have you always been the way you are now?’
‘That’s a somewhat weird question, coming from you.’ Hakkai, of course, thought Sanzo meant his current… nature. But that didn’t make sense, did it?
‘I meant your personality’, Sanzo corrected. ‘You’re the kind of… perfect housewife. You’re understanding, kind, and gentle. You take care of our inventory and on top of that, Hakuryuu and even those two. Without you, this party would have been torn apart before this quest even started.’
‘I think I see what you mean’, Hakkai said, thinking of all the occasions when he had stopped one of them from killing another – usually Sanzo shooting Gojyo straight in the head. ‘I actually disagree about Goku. You are his guardian, after all, I am merely his teacher. But that aside, yes, this is how I’ve always been. Always, as in, before.’
Before. That’s how they had started to refer to Cho Gonou. The man Hakkai had been, the man who had died.
‘I see.’
‘Why do you ask?’
Sanzo seemed a little unsure at first. He looked at the Maten Sutra that rested on the side table, then at his hands.
‘I’d say you keep your shit together better than I do’, he finally said, with the barely visible grin Hakkai knew he used when he was mocking himself. ‘You still carry the trauma of all that happened to you… It’s visible in your smiles that don’t reach your eyes.’
Hakkai turned to stare at his own hands. He knew Sanzo was right. But they never talked about this. They never talked about before.
‘I have changed. In a way that anyone who knew me at Kinzan would be able to tell’, Sanzo continued. ‘I can’t keep it together. I can’t get over it, I can’t handle it, I lash out. Usually at Gojyo or Goku, but sometimes at you, too. And I know that’s unfair.’
Hakkai cast a sideways look at Sanzo, and taking his chances, he scooted closer to him. Sanzo didn’t seem to mind, not even when their arms touched.
‘When Master was smoking, I’d tell him he should do it somewhere people can’t see’, the blond said. ‘I’d tell the others to put their trash into the bins and I’d sweep the porch until either my arms would go numb or Master would tell me to stop. One morning when I woke up with a high fever, Shuei nearly knocked me out because I insisted I had to get up and make Master breakfast.’
Hakkai had turned to stare at Sanzo after the very first sentence.
‘I… cannot imagine that’, he said, quite truthfully, and earned an amused smile.
‘Yeah’, Sanzo said. ‘I was a naïve, uptight little prick. Most of them called me so, too.’
‘I don’t think you were naïve’, Hakkai said and gave him a determined look. ‘You just loved Koumyou Sanzo. The way you speak of him, I’ve always known. With him, a part – an important part – of you died.’
‘I know that now’, Sanzo said. To Hakkai’s relief, he leant a bit onto his shoulder. ‘At the time, I just wanted to die with him. I don’t remember it, but according to Shuei the first thing I said when the monks found us was that I couldn’t protect him. In spite of my age and size, I was the strongest of the apprentices. And I failed to protect our Sanzo.’
‘But with the title, he pushed the new responsibilities on me’, he continued. ‘I decided to bury my grief by concentrating on finding the Seiten Sutra. I was an ambitious little snot like that, and thought that I could take on the world at the age of thirteen equipped with a Founding Sutra and a Smith & Wesson.’
‘Let me guess’, Hakkai said with a light voice and a heavy heart. ‘You always kept one reserve bullet.’
‘I did. You know me.’
Hakkai turned himself enough to look at Sanzo straight to the face, entwining fingers with his.
‘Do you still?’
‘No’, Sanzo said and smiled his crooked smile at him. ‘There’s too many idiots around these days who deserve my bullets more than I do.’
The healer chuckled, as did the priest. Hakkai leant to touch Sanzo’s forehead with his, and Sanzo let him. It was rare to be with Sanzo like this. Hakkai knew how much Sanzo resented being touched. Gojyo got away with swift hugs with only the harisen aimed at him. Hakkai, as their healer, had to touch him so Sanzo had gotten quite used to it, if reluctantly. Goku got away unharmed with most of what he did – he had aimed affectionate attacks at Sanzo ever since he was a child, after all. But be it anyone else, Hakkai always warned them not to get too close. Anyone else got a bullet through the skull.
As their healer, he had had to touch Sanzo. As their healer, he had seen the scars. He had felt them, and felt the anxiety and shame when Sanzo had realised he noticed. Every time Gojyo quipped a sexual joke towards the priest, Hakkai shot the redhead with one of his homicidal smiles. That usually shut Gojyo up, even though he never found out what the problem was.
At the moment, Hakkai was happy. He was simply ecstatic that Sanzo had started to feel comfortable around the three of them. Before, it had been only Sanzo. Then, for years, it had been Sanzo and Goku. And finally Hakkai and Gojyo. Hakkai never forgot to thank the Three Aspects for sending Sanzo after him.
He hadn’t even noticed the blond had put the blanket around them both.
‘Thank you’, Hakkai said quietly, and Sanzo knew it wasn’t just for the blanket. They rested their foreheads against each other, content with the rare proximity. Sanzo felt safe with him, and Hakkai thanked the heavens for that. This close, he could see the silky, golden hair, the red chakra, the long eyelashes, and the vivid violet eyes. He was overcome by a sudden urge to kiss Sanzo. But he knew better and chuckled.
‘Despite all the shit you say, you have a strong tendency to make people fall in love with you, you know’, he whispered.
‘Shut up.’
‘I will.’
Suddenly the door opened and the two turned to look at Gojyo, who was scratching his head, looking rather irritated. Goku was right behind him, golden eyes staring under the redhead’s arm.
‘Honestly, why are you two still awake? Baldy’s usually the one to snuff out first.’
Gojyo probably knew he shouldn’t have used the word, since he was ready to dodge before Sanzo even fired the gun. Hakkai stared at the smoking door frame and then the Smith & Wesson in the raised hand next to him.
‘You really want that ventilation hole, kappa?’ Sanzo snarled. ‘I can give you a chakra of your own.’
‘No thanks, Your Holiness’, Gojyo said. ‘I just came to tell you two to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. The walls are pretty thin here. What are you doing, anyway?’
He gestured at the blanket that was still draped over both Sanzo and Hakkai. The healer smiled his menacing smile and put an arm around the priest.
‘Bonding, can’t you see?’
Gojyo looked dumbstruck – probably by the fact that Sanzo didn’t recoil or otherwise object to Hakkai’s touch. He was still pointing the gun at him, though.
‘That’s not fair!’ Goku suddenly piped up and they all looked at him. ‘First Sanzo wants to bunk with Hakkai, then you two keep talking into the night, and now you’re bonding! Hakkai, that’s my place!’
Hakkai snickered. He wasn’t surprised by the statement of jealousy, but Sanzo seemed to be.
‘Maybe you don’t mean bonding in the same way we adults do, boyo’, Gojyo snickered and Goku almost bit his arm.
‘Shut your horny mouth, jackass’, Sanzo snarled. ‘And monkey, you’re way too old to be cuddling with me.’
‘Growing up doesn’t mean I can’t cuddle with you!’
‘Why the fuck did I get stuck with the only teenager on Earth who wants to fucking cuddle?’
Hakkai couldn’t help himself anymore and burst into a fit of laughter. Gojyo tried to stifle his own with bad results. Goku was still steaming and the golden eyes shifted between Sanzo and Hakkai before finally settling on the hand on Sanzo’s shoulder. Hakkai saw the look in those eyes, a realisation finally beginning to dawn on him. Admittedly, he had failed to notice just how much Goku had grown.
‘Sanzo’, he said softly and reached to put a hand on top of Sanzo’s to make him lower his gun – which was still aimed at Gojyo. ‘We had a good talk, yes? Why not let Goku share with you the rest of the night, like he’s used to?’
Sanzo gave him an unamused frown, but put his gun away and sighed.
‘Fine’, he said and Goku beamed immediately. ‘But now that there’s only one bed, kick me in your sleep and you’ll spend the rest of the night on the cold floor. Am I clear?’
‘Done and done!’ Goku exclaimed and whirled around to run back to his and Gojyo’s room to get his belongings – mostly food. Sanzo sighed again and finally took a cigarette. Hakkai smiled, and noticing Gojyo leaving as well, he got up. He leant in to brush Sanzo’s hair behind his right ear and gave a small peck to his temple.
‘I should be wiser than to invade Goku’s territory’, he whispered with a chuckle. Sanzo looked up, confused, but Hakkai had already retreated and left the room without saying anything further. The priest looked after him with a puzzled expression until Goku burst back in, holding his backpack.
‘You better sleep then, monkey’, Sanzo said, already imagining the nocturnal fight over sheets and space. Goku beamed at him, but suddenly the older man found something utterly mature in that face too young for one so old.
‘Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of disturbing your sleep.’
That, if something, sounded suspicious. Sanzo tsk’d, put out his cigarette and drowned his remaining tea before settling back onto his own blanket. Goku climbed on the bed, careful not to step on him.
When Sanzo felt the tanned, muscular arm drape over his waist and a warm chest press against his back, he decided it wasn’t so bad to share a bed with Goku even when he grew up. In his heart, he knew what he meant to Goku. He knew what Goku meant to him.
Next time, I promise I’ll be the one to reach to you.
It had been a long time since he heard those words in his dreams. They were said in his voice, but he wasn’t the one speaking. He didn’t know how, but he was sure those words were meant for Goku.
Sanzo turned carefully around and looked at the happy face of his protégé who was already asleep. He rested his forehead against the golden diadem and closed his own eyes.
Entwined by fate, they had told him. It might have been the first time he wanted to believe that.