Chapter Text
I remember that day all too clearly—a day I wanted to forget and erase. Better yet, I wanted to turn back time and prevent what happened to my most… intimate part.
It was late in the evening: I was sitting by the fireplace with my wife, Charlotte. That day, she was far too touchy-feely and desperately sought out my hands and embraces. That should have set off alarm bells for me, but... at the time, I didn’t see anything strange in it and didn’t even suspect that she was... saying goodbye to me that way? I don’t know myself....
But the evening was beautiful; we allowed ourselves to simply hold each other and share kisses, warming ourselves by the fireplace. I remember how her hands, in desperate need, clung to my cheeks during the dance of our tongues. And I held Lottie tightly and stroked her back, as if protecting her from a non-existent threat.
“I love you, Leon,” she said then, and in the heat of the moment, I once again suspected nothing. Should I have? It was a normal expression of love and a moment of our vulnerability.
And after a long time of tenderness, we finally moved to the bedroom to go to sleep. I remember turning off the nightlight, settling in more comfortably, and Charlotte immediately wrapping her arms around my body. Yes, it didn’t seem strange to me again, given the fact that she isn’t particularly fond of physical contact while sleeping or before sleep, since she’s always hot.
I just hugged Lottie tighter and left a short, tender kiss on the top of her head. I breathed in the fresh scent wafting from her chestnut hair, which made her smile and close her eyes in bliss. Who would have thought that this… would be our last night together.
In the morning, everything proceeded at the usual pace. We had breakfast, chatted pleasantly about our plans for the near future... And then I had to go to work, while Charlotte stayed home for a well-deserved day off.
I wish I hadn’t gone to that damn job.
I remember getting up from the table and leaving a tender kiss on her cheek. Then she pressed her lips so tenderly against mine, as if trying to imprint my image and keep me from leaving. And when I pulled away, I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of unshed tears pooling in the corners of Charlotte’s eyes. But at the time, I thought I was just imagining it.
Why couldn’t I have been more observant!?
“Good luck at work, Leon,” she said, lifting the corners of her lips. I managed to force a smile in response, lingering at the front door.
“And you... have a nice rest. You know, maybe when I get home we can order something? That... home cooking you love so much.
“Definitely! Well, go on. Or you’ll be late...”
I nodded and disappeared through the front door before heading to headquarters, where I spent the whole damn day.
Why did everything turn out this way?
***
Toward evening, a terrible migraine hit me, making it hard to process any information or work properly. I squinted, staring at the computer screen filled with reports on past missions. All the printed words blurred into a jumble, forcing me to blink frequently. Just as I was trying to shift my focus from the pain to my work, the silence was broken by a call from an unknown number.
My finger hovered over the answer button, and after a few seconds, I finally picked up.
“Hello?” I muttered dryly, pressing my fingers roughly against the bridge of my nose.
“Mr. Kennedy? Is that you?”
“Yes. Why? Who am I speaking with, and what is this about?”
“We… we’re calling to inform you that Mrs. Charlotte Kennedy was found dead in the woods. Preliminary findings suggest suicide, so you need to come and…”
“What?! Is this some kind of joke?” I snapped, not believing a word this stranger was saying. I felt the ground give way beneath my feet, and a violent tremor shook my body. No. It couldn’t be true!
They must have made a mistake, right? My heart seemed to be pounding right in my ears, and my perception was clouded as if by a thick fog.
“Unfortunately, no. Come to this address...”
I barely heard the address or anything that followed—I just jumped up and ran out of the headquarters without saying a word to anyone. I don’t remember at all how I got there… or how I managed not to get into an accident. But looking back on the whole situation now—I wish I’d crashed and been in a serious accident. Anything would have been better than what I faced afterward.
***
The forest greeted me with coolness and the faint scent of ozone after the rain. There were too many police cars and ambulances around... My heart seemed to stop for a moment. I walked deeper into the forest and pushed my way through the crowd, desperately trying to suppress the frantic trembling in my hands.
No... I don’t want to see this...
But I stepped forward anyway. And what I saw killed me, destroyed me.
The lifeless body of my beloved,
my wife... my ray of sunshine lay on the damp grass, surrounded by medics while police officers cordoned off the area. I collapsed to my knees, ignoring the protests and orders not to approach.
“No… no… Lottie,” I cried out, grabbing her hand. “Lottie, wake up! I’m begging you.”
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I tried so desperately to call out to her, in the blind hope that she would hold me tight and give me a kiss. But Charlotte just lay there, staring with glassy eyes at the stormy sky. I couldn’t accept it... Just a few pathetic hours ago, she was alive, right there beside me. I could still feel her kisses, her strong embrace, and her gentle, ringing laughter.
“Kennedy, step back,” the man standing behind him said quietly. “We understand and sympathize with your loss, but...”
“You don’t understand a damn thing,” I roared, losing all self-control. My gaze darted back to Lottie.... I touched the already cold skin on her cheek with my fingers, ignoring my tears, which were pouring down like rain and falling onto her body. My only desire was, and still is, to follow her.
I wanted to lie down next to my wife and just die! What good is life to me without her? Without her love and support, which kept me afloat. Unable to bear it, I pressed my body against hers, hugging her convulsively.
However, after that, I was roughly pulled away from Charlotte’s body, held back with all their might. Finally, I was able to take in the whole scene around me: on a fairly sturdy tree branch, low to the ground, there was a noose. And on the ground, among the leaves and grass, an empty pill bottle...
“She couldn’t have… she would never have done this to herself,” I muttered dejectedly into the void, giving up all resistance.
“All the evidence and circumstances point to the fact that Charlotte did this herself. We will, of course, take fingerprints, perform an autopsy, and question you as… her husband. But here, well, everything is obvious.”
“Obvious”
That word pierced my mind, turning my insides upside down. Everything continued to blur before my eyes, and I felt nausea rise in my throat. Wincing, I stepped slightly to the side as the police officers backed away from me when they realized I had “calmed down.”
Only on the surface... I bent over and rested my palms on my knees, trying to take a deep breath, but all I managed was a ragged gasp. And then I threw up... I don’t know if it was from the release of stress or from the sight of my wife’s body. Or both. One of the medics noticed how lousy I looked and wanted to help, but I just raised my hand in a gesture of protest.
“Agent Kennedy… while your wife’s body is being taken away for an autopsy, we’ll head to headquarters. They’ll question you there.” You understand... family members are the first and primary suspects.
I wanted to tell them all to go to hell and stay with Lottie just a little longer. To do at least something... However, as a “law-abiding” citizen, I silently followed the group of police officers. I went to headquarters on my own, and that’s where all hell broke loose. The interrogation.
***
“So, Mr. Kennedy. Have there been any recent arguments or misunderstandings between you and Charlotte?” the man asked, shuffling some papers in his hands.
“Everything was fine between us. No arguments, and not even a reason for them,” I said, leaning back in the metal chair.
I had no desire to be here... I wanted to go home, drink myself into oblivion, to somehow ease the excruciating pain and the gaping hole inside my soul. The truth is, nothing can cope with this. Not even the most expensive and strongest alcohol.
“If everything was fine, how do you explain the fact that for the past three months she’s been in therapy and taking a sedative? Did you even care about your wife’s condition?”
I clenched my teeth as hard as I could and slammed my fist on the table, filling the room with a faint clang of metal. Who do they think I am? Pain, resentment, anger, bitterness, and despair had consumed me so completely that I couldn’t vouch for my own behavior. That’s why a nervous, pained laugh escaped my lips.
“Do you think I didn’t care about my wife? She was taking them because of insomnia and excessive stress from her demanding job as a journalist—a job that, mind you, sometimes helped you with your investigations. She would never have taken her own life. She was murdered.”
“I understand how you feel right now, Kennedy, but absolutely every lead points to suicide. There are no other options, and the autopsy will only confirm it,” the man said as gently as he could, adjusting his glasses, which had slipped down onto the bridge of his nose.
I pressed my lips tightly together, and my chin trembled as tears once again threatened to spill over in a crushing wave. It couldn’t be true... If... if Lottie’s condition had been that bad—burnout or depression—I would have noticed it right away. After all, those aren’t the kinds of things that go unnoticed.
“Let me ask you one more thing. When was the last time you made love? Did your intimacy increase in the following months, or did it disappear?”
An incredible rage took root deep in my soul. I didn’t understand why, and more importantly, what right did he have to ask such personal questions? For some reason, coming from the investigator’s mouth, it sounded dirty and profane.
— What does this have to do with the case? This is our private life.
— She does. You see, when depressive episodes, burnout, and other issues flare up... people often withdraw into themselves and shut everything out, even those closest to them. Or, on the contrary, they act unnaturally, as if they’re trying to say goodbye.
And then it was as if I’d been doused with ice-cold water. Lately, Lottie had indeed been more demanding and desperately seeking my touch. And as for intimacy… yes, it had become more frequent in recent weeks. But… at the time, it didn’t strike me as strange. After all, Charlotte was simply seeking warmth and love from her husband.
“The last time we were intimate was two days ago. And let’s say it has been happening more often lately. But I’ll say it again, it has nothing to do with what happened! We were happy, okay?”
The investigator remained silent and jotted something down in his notebook with a haughty, intelligent look, then snapped it shut.
“Do you have any more questions for me?!” I snapped, glancing at my wedding ring, which glinted silver.
I remember how long it took me to pick out our rings, because I knew how much Charlotte hated gold. A lump rose in my throat, and I squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could. I didn’t want to show my weakness in front of strangers.
“Not yet. Go home—get some rest. In two days, you can collect her body and the belongings she had with her.
On wobbly legs, I got up from the table and, without saying another word, headed to my place... no... to our home. After all, it was our home.
***
The house greeted me with a frightening and chilling emptiness. No one was there to greet me from work with a smile and sparkling eyes. No one offered a hug or an incredibly delicious dinner after a hard day. A pain so intense squeezed my chest that I forgot how to breathe.
Apathy engulfed me completely, so I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and headed to our bedroom. I sat down on the edge of the bed, which creaked slightly under my weight, and looked at her pajamas, which had been hastily thrown onto the bed.
Taking a generous swig of the burning alcohol, I reached out with my free hand and pulled the fabric toward my face. The sweet, pleasant scent of Lottie’s perfume, mixed with her own, hit my nose. My shoulders shook with uncontrollable sobs, and I still hoped that any moment now the door would slam open and my beloved would appear in the doorway with the latest news about her day...
“Lotti... how... how am I supposed to go on living without you, sweetheart?” I croaked hoarsely, content only with the memories in my head. “But I... I promise I’ll get to the bottom of this. You couldn’t have killed yourself. Everything was fine between us.”
The next two days passed in a daze, like Groundhog Day. Everything went in circles: I’d wake up and immediately reach for alcohol, and so it went the whole time. I saw no point in doing anything else or even existing at all.
However, on the third day, I mustered all my strength, because I had to give her a proper farewell... I picked out her favorite dress from her closet, the one they would dress her in. I bought two burgundy roses and... headed to the cemetery.
Quite a few people had gathered there: her friends, colleagues... even a few agents were there. Everyone had the same expression on their faces: grief. But it couldn’t compare to my own pain.
It was as if a piece of myself had been torn away, and I still couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Just a short while ago, Lottie was breathing, feeling. She was simply alive, and I felt like the happiest person in the world. And now she lies silently in that snow-white coffin. Her lips, like her eyes, are tightly closed forever... I cleared my throat and stepped forward.
I leaned over her body, simply gazing at her for a long time. I wanted to imprint this image on my soul... to become it and lie down beside her. My fingertips gently traced the strands of her hair, which had always been so soft.
I didn’t want to say goodbye. How can you accept that the person you love will no longer be by your side? That they’re simply laid two meters underground and covered with earth. A single tear rolled down my cheek and fell onto her lips. I leaned in even closer and first placed a brief kiss on her forehead, then on her dry lips. I took one of the roses and gently placed the flower in Charlotte’s hands.
“I love you so much, Lottie. More than my own life. Please forgive me for not… protecting you. I’m truly so sorry…”
With those words, I took a couple of steps back, giving others a chance to say goodbye to her. And when that ill-fated coffin was lowered into the ground, I didn’t watch. I simply couldn’t. The sight was too cruel... besides, I wanted to remember her differently—alive and happy. So I sat down on the grass a little ways away, ignoring how the relentless downpour was soaking my shirt through. Charlotte hated the rain.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but for quite some time, no one bothered me. Everyone could clearly see how broken I was. They were afraid to even take a step. However, one man approached me, clearing his throat loudly.
“Mr. Kennedy. I’m here to give you some of your wife’s belongings. I’m sorry I’m doing this here, but you haven’t shown up at headquarters.”
I sat up from the grass and fixed my gaze on the heavy box in his hands. Taking it carefully, I immediately looked inside. Inside were Lottie’s wedding ring and… cassettes? Numbered from 1 to 8. My heart sank, and my eyes stared at it all in bewilderment. I had no idea what was on them. Did she want to tell me something? Or… was she really planning to kill herself?
“Thank you,” I said, snapping out of my daze. I tucked the box under my arm and spent the rest of the time floating on cloud nine. I really wanted to listen to them as soon as possible. Maybe... to hear my beloved’s voice and feel her presence one last time.
And then, apparently seeing how I was talking to myself, everyone who had arrived surrounded me with their clichéd words: “We’re sorry for your loss,” “Hang in there. She was a wonderful person.”
They would have been better off keeping quiet! What good are those words? They only make it hurt more and offer no comfort. Besides, these people were saying such things out of mere human pity. So I hurried to wrap it all up and go home.
***
I took out a slightly dusty cassette player and tucked my legs under me. I opened the box and gently ran my fingers over the cassettes. So Lotti wants me to listen to them in a certain order...
I picked up cassette number one and turned it over: besides the numbers, there were hearts drawn on it with a black marker.
“Lotti…” I whispered and smiled sadly. Without a second thought, I inserted the cassette and pressed play. At first there was static, and then Charlotte’s smooth, gentle voice:
“Leon, if you’re listening to this, then I’m surely dead. Please forgive me, my love. If only there were another way out, I would never have let this happen. First of all, I want to say that I love you very, very much. You are my husband, my hero, my anchor, and my unwavering support...
I heard her sob, which she immediately stifled. I gripped the player tighter as my soul tore with pain. It felt so strange to hear her voice but not feel her presence beside me.
Believe me, I... I know how you feel right now. I would give anything for this not to be happening, and for us to just be happy. The only thing I’m asking of you now is—don’t you dare wallow in guilt. Please, sweetheart. You can do this for me, can’t you?.."