Chapter Text
Geordi had watched Data emulate being human more times than he’d had a full night’s sleep.
He’d seen Data adorn clothing, hair, makeup, he’d even seen Data sneeze, cough and seem sick. He’d once, on the more harrowing end of the spectrum of his concern about this intent, seen Data cut himself in an effort to produce pain. Geordi had pulled an all-nighter repairing his arm, and later, days later, his right thigh, once Data finally admitted he’d tried there as well.
Geordi had consigned this attempt to the list of things we don’t tell the Captain. The only other person that knew was Deanna, after cornering Geordi for the fourth time, concerned by his distraction, by the frantic way he was talking, and whatever miasma she could feel. Distraught, because there seemed to be no distance Data wouldn’t walk to capture the elusive essence of being human. No knife too sharp, no rope too tight, no safety measure he wouldn’t circumvent.
Yet in all the decades Data had tried to be human, however dangerous the method or means, he never seemed to make any progress. Except of course for the actual progress that was obvious to everyone but Data. In his lack of expression, when he looked down for too long and carried the weight of all that is sentient when he glanced back up. Geordi had learned to associate that look with I don’t know, Geordi. I don’t understand.
His friend was determined to copy, to internalise every human process. Oblivious to the ladder he was competently climbing, stopping at every trivial point to see how close to the ground he still was. Geordi had spent countless hours trying to convince Data that he was looking in the wrong direction, that humanity didn’t live in a scoff or a laugh.
Countless hours, wasted, because Data couldn’t emulate humans well enough for his own satisfaction. Decades spent trying to master small talk and failing.
Decades spent becoming someone and identifying as no-one.
A scathing thought that Geordi knew wasn’t accurate, he had worked a double shift and his capacity for tolerating Data’s curious air was rapidly diminishing. He knew that and still said it, over a perfectly civil evening drink in Ten Forward. A scant second after Data had demonstrated his rendition of Deanna’s affirmative hum.
“Is there an endpoint to this?”
“I beg your pardon?”
Geordi leans forward, “where’s the goal post here? I mean, I think you can hum and sneeze and cough well enough by now”
Data looks hurt then, so perfectly, humanly hurt that Geordi could taste it.
“I cannot consider myself adept until it comes naturally”
Geordi looks away, knowing that for all Data claimed to be socially clueless, he would be able to see the irritation and guilt on his face.
“What is it, Geordi?”
Geordi sighs, knowing that would be logged and catalogued and analysed too.
“It will never come naturally though, will it?”
This is worse. Data’s face visibly falls.
“Are you insinuating that my efforts are futile?”
“No, of course not,” Geordi leans forward, drink teetering in his hand, “but if it doesn’t come naturally, then what?”
Data shrinks back, “actually, I have considered this eventuality”
“You have?”
“Yes. I consider all eventualities, Geordi”
“And?”
Data pauses, gaze dropping to his own hands on the table.
“I will have failed”
“What happens then?”
“I will consider it a failed experiment, and stop”
“That’s it? You’re just gonna give up?”
“Yes”
Geordi starts laughing, half choking on his drink at Data’s scandalised expression.
“I do not understand why you find this situation so humorous”
“It’s just…I think you just lied to me”
Another picture of android horror filled Geordi’s visor.
“I am incapable of lying”
Geordi shrugs, still smiling, “and you’re incapable of letting anything go”
“That is inaccurate”
“If you say so”
There is a tug between them, Data wants to continue his protestations. The only thing that stops him, Geordi is sure, is that it would prove Geordi right.
“Shall I stop?”
“Stop what?”
“Including you in my pursuit of humanity”
“No, no, Data, I’m just tired. I shouldn’t have said that”
He can almost feel Data observing him.
“This is your third double shift this week”
“You keeping tabs on me?”
“Is it not my job as your friend to,” Data raises his hands to quote his next words, “keep tabs on you?”
It makes Geordi smile. The earnest look on Data’s face, the way his concern is so neatly packaged in imitation but entirely, perfectly Data. His strongest defender, his biggest fan.
“I wouldn’t want anyone else looking out for me”
The truth. As bare and brutal as they’d seen each other, many times.
Another truth. That Geordi is in love, deeply and painfully, with a man who could only mimic the dance of a man who felt the same.
That conversation followed Geordi for months. Data always checked now, a constant insecurity given eternal life by Geordi’s tired words. A stalling before Data tested or told of his next human obsession, made a thousand times worse by Lore, Feeding Data emotions like doses of poison. Every imitation Data demonstrated tasted like his brother’s ashes, curdling the kindest thing by memory alone.
Data had the frame of reference of a mad man, now.
“Could such a thing be considered…annoying?”
They're swamped by colourful lanterns, enjoying an easy evening at one of the Holodeck’s most popular concerts. The senior staff are standing behind them, just out of ear shot. Even Picard, though he's staunchly resisting swaying to Kate Bush’s sublime voice.
Data wants to sing along and of course he knows the words, he knows all the words. Geordi shakes his head, looping an arm around Data’s shoulder.
“Not at all, if there’s such a thing as a time and place, this is definitely the time and place”
When Data stars singing softly, Geordi tries to stomach his reaction. Deanna is a few steps away, not that she needed to be on the same deck to feel him. She could be a universe over and feel Geordi’s swell of need and horror, mixing to create the worst cocktail of all time.
He nearly trips over himself when Data asks.
“Can we dance, Geordi?”
Geordi doesn't respond, momentarily dumbfounded, before nodding. Data seems caught at Geordi’s hesitation.
“It will not cause you distress?”
Geordi lies.
“Not at all”
Data doesn't spot the tell-tale tension on his face. Deanna shimmies between them, blue dress glinting in the low light, appearing like she’d just happened upon them.
“I’ll dance with you Data, I’ve been sat down all day”
Data brightens and it's beautiful and Geordi is sure he should feel relieved. That he shouldn’t be watching them dance, lit to dramatic perfection under the lanterns, half jealous and half monstrous. He wanted Data, even if it was under the guise of another trying attempt to be human. Geordi was used to almosts, to flirtatious holograms and manipulation. He could survive another run of false hope.
If that false hope was Data, he could live in dream.
Riker’s hand lands on his shoulder.
“She’s great, isn’t she?”
Geordi isn't sure if Riker was talking about Kate Bush or Deanna.
“One of the greats”
“Not your kinda music?”
“Why do you say that?”
“You look like you’d rather be anywhere else”
It was then that Geordi clocks that Riker knows. The man’s blue eyes are fixed on Data dancing with Deanna ahead of them. A knowing sympathy.
“I’m having a great time”
“Let me get you another drink”
Geordi almost protests, then gives in, “fine, yes, please”
Riker smiles down at him, face full of a rare, off duty compassion, squeezing his shoulder as he lets go.
Kate Bush continues to sing, filling the holographic field and the billowing lanterns with her beautiful voice.
Do you wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
When Data turns to him, he shows no sign of having fun or understanding the words, no sign of falling for Deanna’s irresistible charm. He is experiencing something though, Geordi can see the suspended disbelief on Data's face, and that is enough.
Maybe that would be enough.
Data stabbed Deanna in the neck. Geordi should have known something was wrong, he’d seen his friend distracted in Engineering, heard him trying to seek Geordi’s advice, the man had damn well disappeared and Geordi had dismissed it. Just another one of Data’s endless pursuits of humanity that amounted to nothing.
He could dream now, that was a hell of an achievement, but Data treated it like the holodeck. He reported his dreams to Geordi like he’d read them, and none of them seemed to feature Geordi, none of them featured anything but abstract imagery of crows and ships and Omicron Theta.
A couple weeks after the incident with Deanna, Data put himself in the brig. The security ensign there had contacted Geordi first, unsure if she should contact the Captain as Data had requested.
“No, I’ll be right there, don’t worry”
His headache took a back foot as he scrambled for his visor, then his uniform. He checked the time, 03:12. They were both off-duty until the morning. Geordi made his way, bleary and nauseous, to the brig.
He dismisses the ensign as soon as he enters, sighing at Data behind the forcefield.
“Geordi. I did not instruct the ensign to wake you, I instructed her to—”
“Yeah I know, why don’t you tell me first and I’ll tell the Captain”
Data hesitates long enough that Geordi’s wistful irritation turns into something concrete.
“I had a…concerning dream”
“Go on”
“We were on the holodeck, horse riding at the Captain’s request. The horse I was riding could speak, and did so, I did not like it in the dream”
Geordi blinks and resists rubbing his head, “and?”
“The horse had your voice, Geordi”
Odd. “What did it say?”
“It said…that I would never be human, that my natural state is facsimile”
“Well,” Geordi exhales, crossing his arms, “that sounds like a nightmare, I guess…why are you in the brig?”
Data laces his hands together and Geordi tries not to get caught up in looking at him. In the aura of him.
“I decapitated the horse, Geordi”
“Ah”
“I do not wish to cause you any harm”
“I know this is hard for you because you’re new to dreaming, Data, but it’s not that…out there. It’s just a nightmare”
“What if it is a sign that something is wrong, that I will cause you harm because I cannot perceive the true cause?”
Despite the seriousness of Data’s misgivings, Geordi can't help but be tickled by the fact that their second in command was prone to bouts of insecurity so profound that he’d put himself in the brig before his shift. If Data had any glaring weak points, this was definitely one of them.
Or was it? Geordi feels a swell of something cold and very familiar.
Data could destroy the Federation from the inside, if he wanted to. Only, he never sequestered himself in the brig when it really mattered, the problem with being manipulated or controlled was that Data wouldn’t know.
“I can understand why you’re concerned but I do think this is one leap in too far in the cautious direction”
“Is it? I am strong, Geordi, I can take control of the ship. I can execute a crew member with little difficulty”
Geordi looks down, he had wondered when Data would voice this. The unspoken thing the rest of the senior staff had thought about and discussed privately, more than once.
“I’d say that the benefits of having you at your post outweigh the consequences when something goes wrong”
“So far”
“Data,” Geordi steps forward, “I’m going to lower the forcefield”
“That would not be wise”
“Why?”
“As I have already said, I—”
“Do you think you’re going to decapitate me at this precise moment?”
“No”
“Then I’m coming in”
Geordi drops the forcefield and steps inside the brig, tiredness sending him to sit down on the bed Data had obviously avoided.
“Sit down”
“I do not need to sit down”
Geordi stares at Data until the android promptly sits down next to him, hands lacing together in his lap. Geordi wants to grab one of those hands and squeeze it.
“In all likelihood you had a nightmare, a natural progression of your dream programme, but I’ll run some scans of the ship, we’ll run a diagnostic on you as well. I’ll inform the Captain that you’re concerned, and that this is a precaution, nothing more. Sound good?”
Data nods, finally turning towards him. Eyes pale in the brig’s bright light.
“Thank you Geordi, for not dismissing this”
That hurt. Geordi wishes he could hide it.
“Any time”
Except that wasn’t true. Data had come to him concerned and in a fluster once already, and worse, Geordi couldn’t help but think that he’d caused this. That the talking horse had said all the things Geordi hadn’t said but thought loudly enough for Data to hear it anyway.
“It does not hurt, Doctor”
Crusher rolls her eyes, glancing at Geordi knowingly as he clips in another fibre cable onto Data’s cranial attachment.
“She knows that Data, we just have to be sure that rod didn’t dislodge anything else”
“I am not registering any dislodged components”
Crusher holds up her finger in Data’s face, “call it a doctor’s intuition”
Geordi couldn’t detect any anomalies either, but he trusted Beverley with his own life, with all of them. Data had just arrived back, offline and with a rod through his chest, in a medieval outfit Geordi could only describe as ridiculous. There’d been a good half an hour of chaos, where Geordi wasn’t sure he could revive Data. That harrowing sickness he’d felt when Fajo took him, when they’d found his head on Earth, when Lore had manipulated him. The panic had made his fingers shake so much that Barclay had steadied his hand.
Barclay had then looked politely away when Geordi couldn’t stop his eyes from watering because it was happening again. Data was in trouble, causing trouble or dead.
Now he was awake and as curious as ever. More lives than a cat, more lives than Geordi could survive mourning.
“I do not—”
Data grasps his chest and leans forward, auburn hair out of place and falling. He almost says something, but Riker and Picard walk in the room.
Data righted himself and his hands fall to the bed beside him. Geordi watches as Data acts perfectly fine, well within normal parameters, as Picard chastises him in his own version of relief. As Data obfuscates, adopting an air of innocent curiosity in the wake of Crusher's incredulous stare.
He was hiding it. Whatever it was. Geordi felt like he was spinning, listening to Data lie so well he could have been human all his life.
They're in Ten Forward, newly installed emotion chip working and delivering emotions so wild that Geordi keeps his hand ready to keep Data upright.
Guinan offers Data a drink to down and the bemused look on her face at Data’s reaction makes Geordi laugh. She asks, incredulous.
“More?”
“Please”
It's a delightful sight, if not entirely lovely. Seeing Data have emotions and none of them pertain to him hurt, but that was selfish. Geordi had never been more aware of his own self-preoccupation as he had that evening.
Data promptly became merry, drinking with surprising gusto. Guinan eventually cut him off, dark eyes instructing Geordi silently to take his android home. He laughs and directs Data from the gathering back into the hallway, making a note to analyse if the emotion chip was programmed to respond to synthehol or if Data was just getting carried away.
“Are we going home, Geordi?”
“Yeah Data, how do you feel?”
“I feel…I cannot name this feeling”
Geordi can't help but grin, guiding Data down the corridor by the elbow, “describe it”
“I am…disappointed, yes, but not really. I think it is because I am with you”
“That’s normal, I think”
“Geordi,” Data stops, yellow eyes so suddenly emotive it makes Geordi stop for a different reason, “will you come home with me?”
“To your quarters? Sure. I guess the emotion chip has you feeling out of sorts”
Data stares down at Geordi, face taught.
“I wonder what my nightmares will be like now”
“Don’t worry about that, nightmares are normal, if annoying”
“I cannot…I am filled with…I will not engage my dream programme”
Seeing Data stumble over his words cut right through Geordi’s determination to not be affected, “okay, maybe don’t for a while, until you get used to it”
“Alright”
As they approach Data’s quarters, the android stops, suddenly compelled by something. Another emotion, no doubt.
“Wait I…”
It's clear he doesn't have the words.
“What is it?”
“It is strange, I do not feel any different”
“What do you mean?”
“It is like…I cannot explain it”
Geordi looks towards Data’s door.
“Shall I just drop you off? I can come by in the morning or you can comm me in the night if you need anything?”
“I do not want you to go”
Geordi realises then that Data would have to learn that what he wanted didn’t always dictate what happened. How could he explain that? There was more nuance in life than Data had circuits.
“I can come inside, I already said I would”
There's something like conflict on Data’s face, Geordi can glean that much. He's more beautiful for it and somehow just the same.
The moment they cross the threshold, Data turns.
“It is like the emotion chip has given me…words, context. Not feelings, exactly. It is very disconcerting”
Geordi purses his lips, “I’m not sure I follow”
“I see you differently but the same, there is a structure to the sight of you now”
“Um, okay”
“You do not understand”
Geordi sighs, endlessly tired, and looks to the sofa, “let’s sit down?”
They sit side by side, knee’s knocking together. Spot mewls at them but disappears on seeing company.
“Why don’t you explain it to me?”
“It is like everything is in high focus, no,” Data cocks his head, “there is additional colour now”
“I’m not sure I understand, Deanna might be able to. Do you mean you associated things with feelings you expected to have and now you can feel them?”
“Not exactly. Like how I feel about you. It is like a...photograph, only it moves now”
Geordi flushes, unable to help himself.
“You might just be drunk”
“I am not capable of being drunk”
“That’s not true”
Data opens his mouth to speak, then closes it, clearly catching on to Geordi’s memory of the mission early into their commission, “that was a contagion”
“Still, we should analyse the chip and see if it’s prone to reacting to synthehol, caffeine, or any other stimulant”
“That would be prudent”
Data leans back, relaxing into the sofa in a way Geordi had never seen. When Data glimpses Geordi’s surprise, he shifts.
“Am I not acting normally?”
“No, well, this is your new normal, isn’t it?”
Data looks intently at Geordi then, aura brighter and moving more, before his face returns to neutral so fast it takes Geordi aback.
“I do not like it”
“Do you want to take the chip out?”
“No, I just,” Data’s hands spreads across his face and head, rubbing it like he can feel fatigue, “it will take some adjusting to”
“Why don’t I stay here tonight? I’ll take the sofa”
“You may use the bed, I will not be initiating my dream programme”
Geordi looks at Data’s bed and tries not to let his imagination kick into overload.
“You’re sure?”
Data’s hand moves, slowly, to rest on Geordi’s shoulder. A weight so familiar to him and yet not at all, there was something intentional in it now. Like his gaze, Data’s eyes hadn’t changed, he still looked at Geordi the same. There was just something more knowing in them.
Like a man that had walked the Earth all his life and just learned about gravity.
“I am sure”
Geordi swallows.
“You’re going to be fine, it’s just a lot. You’re going to be just fine, Data”
Data nods, dropping his hand and retreating into himself.
Then Geordi did something stupid, he knew it was stupid, he knew and still didn’t stop. He reaches to cradle Data’s face in one hand, an intimate touch, worlds away from scheduled maintenance or the countless times he’d handled Data before. He could have said anything in that moment, the sky was clear.
“I’m so happy for you”
When he sees Data’s eyes fill with fluid, Geordi pauses. He strokes his thumb across Data’s cheek and smiles before dropping it.
“I’ll head to bed then, if you’re okay?”
Data blinks away the moisture, clearly confused by it.
“Of course, goodnight Geordi”
Geordi wasn't confused, he knew it was simply the first, sweet drop of grief before the thunderstorm.
“Goodnight, Data”