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“Oh, no," he chuckled, "I couldn't take responsibility for any of those feelings, Logan. That was all you."
The last words of the new, orange-clothed Side haunted the room even after the Side in question had sunk down and left the five of them behind in stunned silence.
Logan was staring at the floor. He was shaking, one hand stroking his tie.
He hadn’t left when Remus and Janus did, even though Patton had expected him to. Maybe he was in some kind of shock? Logan’d had rare moments like that before, where a really overwhelming situation would to kind of… freeze his brain. Patton supposed that finding out a huge part of your own self-image was wrong would fit that bill.
Trying to sound soothing, he said, “Hey, everyone, maybe we could just take a moment? Let’s leave the discussion for some other time. Tomorrow, maybe?”
“Well, why put it off?” Thomas replied, with perhaps a bit more anger than usual. Patton couldn’t be sure. “I’ve already had one big reveal about myself tonight. Might as well rip the band-aid off in one go. Get everything on the table.”
Roman said something about mixing metaphors, but Patton missed it as he looked at Logan’s troubled face. Alright, trying to give everyone some space was a no-go. What else could he say to help, here? Everything that came to mind sounded naive, even to him. And he was trying to be more open, to allow for more sad, or dishonest, or complicated feelings to be discussed without trying to cheer everyone up immediately.
…Maybe he should add ‘angry feelings’ to that list, the list of things he didn’t know as well as he’d thought. Seems like it was growing every day.
Virgil reached out to Logan, to lay a hand on his shoulder, maybe, but he stopped himself. Patton wished he’d gone through with it.
"But I’m sorry, Logan, I don’t actually understand why you’re so ups- eh, impacted by this,” Roman interrupted Patton’s thoughts. He must genuinely be concerned – he hadn’t even used a nickname. Patton sighed in relief. The others would know what to say.
"Every single one of us feels things,” Roman said, “and honestly, it's not exactly a surprise to anyone that you do, too."
"Yes, exactly! I mean, we’ve all seen that things affect you emotionally. And- and that’s okay!” Thomas leapt to add.
Patton nodded along.
Thomas continued: "Having feelings is just part of what makes you, all of you, a person. Heck, I myself apparently have more feelings than I was consciously aware off.”
“Because you were so aloof and unaffected before,” Virgil muttered, which Thomas ignored.
“I, I mean, you've said it yourself before: you're more than -just- Logic, right? You're a person."
Logan, still scarily silent, kept his gaze roaming the floor, but thankfully gave the barest nod in acknowledgement. Patton frowned. Was this actually helping?
"Right!" Thomas replied.
"So then, why does it bother you so much when that person includes emotions?" Roman asked.
Logan wiped at his mouth with a hand. He finally looked up, reddened eyes boring into Roman, Virgil, Thomas, into Patton. And he spoke.
"Well, of course it's normal for you to have emotions. It's okay, it makes sense even, that a figure representing anxiety would be emotional. It makes sense," he motioned to each Side in turn, "that the creative drive, the ego, would be emotional. It makes sense for your sense of morality, your empathy, to have emotions! But- but I-“
He bit his lips. “Logical reasoning is supposed to be objective! Predictable, deterministic, useful. The same inputs leading unerringly to the same optimal outputs. So it's fine when you have feelings, your emotions, because those are your functions! And that is precisely the reason that I don't!” he yelled.
“Because I'm supposed to be better than that!"
The silence that followed, hung in the air for several long, painful moments, only punctuated by Logan’s breaths. In, out, in, out.
Roman broke it. "Oof, Logan, tell us how you really feel."
“…I just-"
"It's rhetorical, L," Virgil intercepted. "Are you-"
"-Crying? No, I'm not," Logan snapped, but as he looked at Virgil, the light caught on the tear tracks down his cheeks.
"...I was going to say 'okay', but I think you've answered that question."
Logan lifted his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. He sighed. “No, you’re right. I… My apologies for that…” He searched for the right word. “…outburst. I’ll take my leave now, before I embarrass myself any further.
“Logan, wait!” Patton took a step forward. He couldn’t let him just leave like this; There had to be something he could say to put things into perspective! “Eh… Do you remember, years ago, when Thomas studying chemistry?”
Logan frowned at him. Okay, maybe not the best opening, but at least he wasn’t leaving. Optimistically, he went on: “There was one class on the structure of the, eh, the tiny, you know! The little fella’s.” He squeezed his fingers together.
“Atoms…?” Thomas said, baffled.
He enthusiastically pointed. “Yes, those guys! Adams!”
“Patton, I really don’t think nostalgia for Thomas’ wasted college years is going to make anyone feel better right now,” Virgil said.
“Harsh,” replied Thomas, as Logan said: “Succinctly put.”
Patton blinked. “Now, why would they be wasted? Thomas, you learned so much during those years! Not just about chemistry, but about yourself, and you met so many friends, and you did-“
Logan was starting to look vacant, again.
“And I was going somewhere with this.”
“When you were taught about the structure of the atom, there was a part about… I don’t remember what it was called exactly, but it sounded like ‘kitten ceramics’. I remember that. Because those would be adorable.” He had genuinely forgotten what it was called, but he’d take any chance to lighten the mood.
Logan took the bait. “…Do you mean quantum mechanics?”
“Now Logan, my tum mechanics are all biology, not physics.”
Finally, Logan had lost that absent look. It seemed to be replaced by annoyance, but still, an improvement! Quickly, he moved on. The others were still listening, looking confused.
“Well, in that course, the teacher talked about something about uncertainty, and he used a quote from Albert Einstein: “God does not play dice with the universe.”
Now, obviously I didn’t understand all of the science behind it, but the thing the teacher was trying to say, is: Einstein was wrong – Well, on that part, at least! For whatever reason, God does play dice with the universe… maybe he likes surprises?” Patton said. Gosh, he was rambling a bit. The others did not seem any less confused - except for Logan. He seemed to be following perfectly. Patton quickly continued.
“The point is: at the size of the tiniest things, in the fundamental rules of the world, everything is uncertain. And it’s not a flaw in the science, or the measurements, it’s literally true!” He hoped it was, at least. It had been a couple of years, and he hadn’t even understood it then. But that wasn’t the point:
“So, if the whole entire universe is built on uncertainties, and nothing is ever unchanging… Then why should anyone hold you to a higher standard than that?”
“Why would you expect that of yourself?”
For the third time that evening, the Sides were left silent. This time, though, the mood had shifted. Logan’s face had shifted. The way he looked at Patton was a rare one, but secretly one of his favorites: awed, almost suspicious. As if he hadn’t expected anyone to say anything that he hadn’t already thought of himself, least of all Patton.
“That’s… a good point, Patton. I’ll need to think about that. And, in fact, I will.” He made a motion to sink down, and this time, no one prevented him leaving. “Good evening, all. Patton.” And with that, he was gone.
Patton smiled to himself.
They might all be going through a rough patch now, but in time, everything would turn out okay – this had to be proof of that. A new Side had been revealed, Logan had a breakdown, but they were still here, still communicating.
And in his heart of hearts, although he’d never say it out loud for fear of jinxing it, he felt that things might even turn out the best they’d ever been.