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That Wednesday was the farthest from their usual “gym day”, as Ken had noted.
To be fair, it had been…at first. They had gone to their go-to gym, which was convenient for Josh because of its proximity from his house, and for Ken because of the matcha bar on the floor right below it. Both of them did their sets diligently, maybe one more than the other. While Ken followed his routine down to a T, Josh was either one rep off, one rep too many, or that one instance when he dropped the barbell and barely missed his feet.
Ken found it amusing, sure; he had another ammo to tease Josh with later. But he was also worried. Josh was usually pretty strict with his workouts, and any deviance would result in a downward spiral that Ken would comfort him about.
As he stared at the man sitting across him at their favorite tiny spot at the matcha bar, Ken began to notice more details about Josh. His face was paler than the moon, bloodshot eyes staring at the drink in front of him. Not in a way that he’s drinking it with his gaze, but more like he’s looking through the liquid as if it’s not there.
He did say that he was going to play with his friends last night, but he also said he was going to finalize that song he was working on, Ken pondered.
Josh has always been the busier body between them; the man liked to put on far too many hats on his tiny head. Aside from their usual artist-related activities, he was composing and producing his own songs, gaming until the sun rises, going incognito in thrift shops, and so much more. Despite his busy schedule though, he still managed to squeeze an hour or two to join Ken regularly in his—now their—gym day. As way of thanks, Ken took it upon himself to drive Josh around, always during their workouts and sometimes after work.
At least, that’s what Ken tells himself: only as show of thanks, only because Josh would probably be too tired to drive, only because it’s more convenient since they were going to the same place, only because Josh is so frugal to spend too much on gas, only to save Mother Earth by emitting less carbon dioxide or whatever.
Ken has probably bled his ear off of hearing Mav’s relentless teasing, how whipped he was for his gym buddy, how ‘torpe’ he is for being just fine with driving Josh around without so much as a confession, or how Mav told him once with a wink that he would take matters into his own hands and confess to Josh himself. The last one was a joke, Ken knew (Mav had the biggest crush on Justin, but would rather tease Ken shitless than follow his own advice).
That doesn’t abate his frustration at his best friend, though, nor does it eliminate the possibility that someone would come and sweep Josh off his feet.
With a sigh, Ken placed his chin on his hand and stared at Josh. As much as the man looked like a zombie, the setting sun highlighted the brownness in his eyes and gave his skin a soft, warm glow. His unkempt hair framed his face nicely, the post-workout flush coloring his cheeks. Josh has always been attractive and charismatic, but there’s something in the rawness of his visuals at that moment that made Ken’s heart skip a beat.
Ken slid the plate of oatmeal cookies across the table. “Hey, you need to eat.”
Josh blinked at the plate, then at Ken, then at the plate again.
“It’s not gonna grow legs, you know,” Ken sniggered. Josh didn’t say a word.
This has gone too far.
“Alright,” Ken said as he straightened up and placed his hands on the table, “I won’t ask if you’re okay because it’s clear as day you’re not. What’s going on?”
“Mmm,” Josh only pursed his full lips and blinked more slowly. Of course, Ken focused on the movement, eyeing the man’s upper lip, wondering if he should just kiss it—
Focus, Ken.
Josh seemed to be deep in thought, then yawned so loudly without covering his mouth that left Ken—who was staring at his lips all that time by the way—wide-eyed. He took a cookie and nibbled on it like a rabbit, then stopped, then placed the quarter-eaten cookie back to the plate.
Seconds passed in silence.
Then a minute.
Then two.
“Josh?” Ken asked, nudging the other’s knee in case he was sleeping with his eyes open.
“Mmm, yeah.”
“Talk to me?”
Josh turned his gaze from the plate of cookies to Ken. Wide-eyed, lovestruck Ken could only stare back. What else could he do, when he’s stared at by the Josh Cullen.
“Will you listen?” Josh asked in a soft voice.
At that moment, Ken felt the shift in the air. This wasn’t a time to leer at his friend, who seemed to be at his wit’s end with whatever chaos is going on in his head. He wanted to reach out to hold Josh’s hand, but that might be too cheesy, or Josh might feel how clammy his hands have been out of sheer enamoredness.
“Of course,” Ken reassured with the best smile he could offer.
Josh’s doe eyes widened at that. Then, with a sigh—or was it a yawn?—he blurted a sentence that almost made Ken slide off his seat.
“I’m sleep-deprived and I’m in love with you and so I don’t know how to act normal right now.”
—
It’s as if even the particles in the air stopped moving.
Josh closed his eyes, hands balled into fists as if he’s waiting for a bomb to drop. Meanwhile, Ken could only stare.
Outside their bubble, the matcha bar kept moving. People queued, orders were taken, the bar was alive with stirring blenders and names being called out for their drinks. The outside of their bubble was normal, unlike the quiet chaos caused by the emotional bomb that Josh dropped on Ken’s chest.
The silence stretched on for far too long that Josh blinked fast one last time and spoke first.
“Hah! Okay, yeah I knew. Wow, that’s—yep, okay. That woke me up big time.”
Ken still stared.
Josh laughed awkwardly. “Hey, it’s not a big deal, you know? Just forget I said anything. My brain’s just soup at this point, too much gaming haha.” He began to stand up, saying, Let’s just sleep this off, yeah? Come on—”
Ken found himself grabbing Josh’s wrist.
“Josh, wait.”
The tension in the air returned. Josh’s arm stayed limp, unmoving under Ken’s firm grip.
What now?
“You…you’re…in love with me?” Ken realized that him saying it out made it all the more real and surreal at the same time.
Josh didn’t say a word. Instead, he let out a small noise. Was it a confirmation or a whimper for help? Ken wondered. Either way, it was definitely a scared one. What was supposed to be the confident and charismatic man in front of him was now just a shell of anxiety.
In his attempt to diffuse the situation, Ken laughed a little. However, it ended up sounding shaky and awkward. That made Josh stiffen and hurriedly try to remove his arm from Ken’s hold.
“Hey, it’s not a big deal, you know? I know you and Maverick had a thing going—”
“Wait, wait, wait, whoa,” Ken tightened his grip on Josh and met his gaze. He was so confused with how things unfolded that he could only ask, “Maverick?”
“Yeah, I’m not blind, bro,” Josh rolled his eyes. Ken would've found it adorable if Josh wasn't pulling his arm away. “You’ve been out with him a lot, and best friends-turned-lovers is something you’d definitely be on board for. While I appreciate you keeping true to your commitment to drive me around, I know you do the same for Maverick and—”
Ken got more confused.
“Josh, sit down and listen to me,” he said in a commanding voice that stopped Josh in his attempts to get away. True enough, the man sat, albeit slowly. These are the moments when Ken was glad that he had a deep register.
Ken kept his hand around Josh’s wrist, and Josh…let him.
“Maverick…” he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying his damnedest not to laugh at the absurdity of it all while putting his own thoughts together. “Mav can’t drive to save his life. He wouldn’t be able to make it past 20 meters without hitting a post or something.
“And besides—” Ken hoped his best friend would forgive him for what he was about to do, “—he’s a simp for Justin. And he needs me to be his sounding board of sorts.”
If only Josh could switch places with him so he can witness first-hand how sappy a yearning Mav can be, then he might laugh at how absurd he was being.
Josh’s full brows scrunched into the most beautiful V.
“…Justin? Our Justin?”
“Yes, our Justin.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“But when I was talking to Maverick, he told me he’d sweep you off your feet the next chance he gets! And with a wink, too!” Josh pouted. “Bastard.”
It was Ken’s turn to raise an eyebrow. But before he could argue, he remembered the state of mind of the person he’s talking to. Instead of feeling frustrated, Ken only smiled in resignation, the happy kind this time.
“Maverick was flirting with you, dumdum. He most likely said he’d sweep you off your feet.”
Josh began to stand up again. “Why would he do that if he likes Justin?! If I find out he’s a playboy, Ken, I swear to God—”
Ken pulled him back down to his seat with a laugh.
“No, he isn’t! I mean, he was, but—”
“Felip Jhon—!”
“He isn't anymore!”
“Then, why would he flirt with me?” Josh spoke through gritted teeth.
“Because! He wants to make me jealous and get me to make a move.”
Of all the ways Ken fantasized how he would one day—if ever—confess to Josh, talking to him sleep-deprived over matcha and cookies was not in his list. But here they were.
Ken stared at Josh from across the table, then at his hand around Josh’s tiny wrist. Since the time he grabbed it earlier, Josh has never removed himself from Ken’s grip.
It made Ken…hopeful.
“I don’t understand, Ken,” Josh said after letting out a huge yawn.
How is it possible that a lack of sleep can make this man so unbearably cute?
Ken let out a laugh, only this time it wasn’t shaky or awkward. It was as if he had raised his head from the deepest waters; he felt cooled down, refreshed, and light.
“Yeah, me neither. But I’ve heard enough from you. Will you listen to me this time?”
Josh gave a small but sure nod.
—
“Do you know why I make it a point to pick you up at your house and drive you to the gym?”
“Because I pay for your post-workout snack in return?”
“True, but that’s just a bonus. And because you always lose in bato-bato-pik.”
Ken chuckled. Josh would always choose rock on the first drop, then scissors the next. Ken picked it up at their third hangout that since then, he’s mastered dropping rock all the time. Josh may not have noticed, but Ken did. Of course, he did.
Josh jutted out his lower lip and stuck his tongue out.
Cute.
“And because you always play games well into the morning, or isolate yourself while producing your songs, that you might just hit a post much earlier than Mav would.”
“Hey! I’ll have you know I’m an excellent driver even without sleep.”
“I know, but you shouldn’t drive anyway.”
Josh pouted. “So, you drive me around because I’m a road hazard?”
Ken removed his hand from Josh’s wrist and placed it around the latter’s hand.
“I drive you around so I can spend more time with you, and because I want to take care of you.”
Josh only stared back.
Ken continued. “You may not have realized it, sir, but I’m only second to you when it comes to frugality. So when I drive some extra kilometers to pick you up even if the gym is closer than your house, I hope you know I do it because I very much want to. Even at the cost of more expensive gas.
“Also, did you know that you served me pancit canton like a zombie the other day?”
It was a funny memory for Ken, for sure. He had only told Josh in passing that he was in a rush to get to the office that he had forgotten to eat breakfast. Right before their lunch interview, Josh lifelessly walked to the meeting room with a plate of freshly cooked pancit canton and slid it towards Ken without saying a word. Apparently, he also hadn’t heard Ken ask why he did so.
Josh shook his head slowly, to which Ken nodded, “Yeah, thought so. You looked like you did it without awareness. I took it as a subconscious urge to take care of me, too.”
It might have come off as a humble brag or a haughty remark, but Ken at this point was just powering through the loud hammering of his chest. Meanwhile, Josh only rolled his eyes in response.
“So it turns out, you…you like me,” Ken said softly, as if saying it out loud would make it false and burst into oblivion.
“I’m sorry, okay? It wasn’t supposed to come out this way,” Josh hastily replied, “and I do feel wobbly and my knees are dead. Also, I’m not even sure if I’m conscious right now.”
“But you…like me, yeah?”
“Ugh, you’re so…!”
Ken gripped Josh’s hand tighter. “You do, right?”
“Yes! I’m in love with you, you weirdo! Stop making me say it while I’m like this!” Josh hid his face behind his other hand.
If Josh felt unconscious, Ken, on the other hand, felt all his nerves fired up that he wanted to do a backward jump right there in the matcha bar in glee.
“You’re smiling so weird, cut it out!” Josh moved his hand from his face to cover Ken’s mouth.
In ecstasy, Ken pushed his mouth forward and kissed Josh’s palm.
Josh pulled his hand away. “Eww!”
The sun might have been setting then, but Ken felt like dawn was breaking right before his very eyes. He laughed in relief.
“While your brain cells still work, can you repeat some truths with me?”
Josh was still shaking his kissed hand, but nodded just the same.
“Okay,” Ken smiled so wide his cheeks hurt, “First, you like me.”
“You—!”
“Say it!”
“Fine! I like you.”
Ken nodded, grinning from ear to ear, then continued. “Second, Maverick is a jerk who’s in love with Justin. And we’ll tease him about it nonstop when we see him next time.”
“Maverick is a jerk who’s in love with Justin, and I’ll punch his handsome face when I see him next time.”
“Hmm, yeah, sounds about right. Ready for the third one?”
“Ken,” Josh pleaded, “I’m about to pass out from sleep deprivation. Do we have to do this?”
“This is the last one, I swear. And you won’t want to miss this, I promise.”
Josh rolled his eyes and blinked slowly. “Fine.”
“I’m in love with you too, Josh.”
A yawn was stopped midway. His eyes widened. No words were said.
A minute passed, then two.
“You’re...in love with me?”
“I didn’t say it as a question.”
“But—”
“Josh?” Ken nudged with a wide smile. He wanted to let his words sink in. Besides, he’s already waited for years, a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt.
“I’m wide awake, and I’m in love with you and so I don’t know how to act normal right now.”
Ken kept smiling, while Josh responded with his own.
“You’re wide awake, and you’re in love with me so we’re both just weirdos fumbling through all this right now.”
Outside their bubble, the matcha bar kept on moving, the sun was still setting, and everything was painted in its beautiful golden yellow.
—
“Honestly, this is all too much for my soup brain to absorb,” Josh sighed as he fastened the seat belt in his seat beside Ken hours later. “Will you tell me all these again when I finally get some sleep?”
Ken smiled widely and held Josh’s hand. It felt sure, firm, and real. And mutual.
Josh squeezed his hand back. For the first time that day, despite the dark and heavy eyebags and sleepy nose scrunches, he was acting the most normal, like he was finally free of pretense and worry.
“I'd even do it every waking day.”