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Iruka had quite a long day. She’d had to stay at the Academy after school to keep an eye on Konohamaru, who thought he could get away with using a dye bomb in class and had to clean everything up. This meant her shift at the mission desk fell later in the day, leaving her without time to go grocery shopping as she’d planned. On top of that, it had been two months without a word from Naruto and even though she knew he wasn’t on vacation, he was training, she still hoped that maybe a frog with a letter would jump up to her today—but nothing like that happened.
She quickly ate ramen at Ichiraku’s and since it was late anyway she decided to go to the Rusty Shuriken. She was almost certain she’d find some friends there to drink with to forget her exhaustion and dejection.
She wasn’t disappointed; she’d only taken five steps toward the bar when she heard her name. “Iruka-chan! Iru-uka!”
She smiled and immediately turned in the direction of Anko’s voice. She reached the booth where, besides Anko, there were Kurenai, Izumo, and Kotetsu waiting for her. The latter two moved so Iruka could sit next to them. She sank into her seat and nodded as Kurenai immediately offered her a cup and poured some sake.
“Will you play with us, Iruka-chan?” Anko suggested, grinning broadly and taking a sip from her cup.
“What game are you playing?” Iruka asked, placing her elbows on the counter.
Kurenai smiled, and Izumo and Kotetsu giggled.
“On a scale of zero to ten, how would you rate my skills in bed?” Anko asked, winking flirtatiously.
Iruka raised her eyebrows and rested her chin on her hands. “So I’m supposed to rate how much I’d like to sleep with someone?”
“Bingo,” Kurenai replied.
“Oh my,” Iruka sighed dramatically and looked at Anko. To the amusement of everyone in the booth, she lowered her gaze to the kunoichi’s breasts and hummed before giving her assessment. “A good six.”
“Only six?!” Anko exclaimed, standing up, but Kurenai laughed and pulled her down, then poured sake into her cup.
Iruka shrugged, still smiling.
“Why a six?” Izumo asked.
“You have to explain, that’s part of the fun too,” Kotetsu added.
“Explain, huh?” Iruka looked into her cup then back at Anko. “Sorry, Anko, but I’d keep thinking about snakes coming out of your sleeves and the fact that I don’t know where you keep them, and… well. Snakes. Not my kink.”
“I can understand that,” Kurenai said after a moment.
“Logical,” Izumo agreed.
“Now me, now me, it’s my turn!” Kotetsu exclaimed, practically sitting on Izumo’s lap to lean as close to Iruka as possible.
Iruka rested her cheek on her fist and looked at her two friends. She swirled the sake in her cup but didn’t take a sip yet. It was much more interesting to watch the blushes on the chuunin’s faces, which could have been the alcohol – or their proximity. Iruka laughed and straightened. “You both get a five,” she replied lightly and as she expected, both their expressions fell.
“But neither of us are summoning anything slimy.” Kotetsu pursed her lips and retreated further into the booth.
Iruka covered her mouth with her hand to hide her laughter as both kunoichi looked less offended and more resigned.
“Are we that dull...?” Izumo asked, slurping sake and looking like a complete disaster.
“Not at all,” Iruka replied, deciding to end their torment. “It’s just that when I think of you, it’s always the two of you. I can’t see one without the other. That’s why you’re a ten together.”
A moment of silence fell at the table. Anko and Kurenai began to nod slowly and a smile finally appeared on Izumo and Kotetsu’s faces. The latter glanced at each other then quickly looked away.
“I’ll drink to that!” Kotetsu said, taking a sip of her sake.
“Your brain has an interesting way of connecting the dots,” Izumo remarked as she sipped her sake. “How much will you give Kurenai?”
“A ten,” Iruka replied without hesitation, winking at the kunoichi she was rating. They both laughed and this time Iruka didn’t wait until they asked for an explanation. “I didn’t even have to think about it because I’ve already experienced it.”
Anko looked from Kurenai to Iruka. “Did you sleep together?” she asked.
“Mhm,” Kurenai confirmed. “And a ten to you too, Iruka,” she added, raising her cup as if in a toast. Iruka lowered her gaze, reaching for her own sake.
“Speaking of Kurenai, what about Asuma?” Izumo asked casually but she was stealing a glance at Kurenai and there was a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
Iruka had to dodge because Kurenai threw her cup at Izumo, who was leaning closer to Iruka because Kotetsu was resting her head on her shoulder. When Iruka straightened up, Kurenai’s cheeks were definitely redder. “Asuma, Asuma...” Iruka tapped her lip with a finger, as if she needed to think it over. “Asuma gets a four from me.”
This time, it was Kurenai who looked indignantly at Iruka, who raised her hands in surrender.
“He might be... big enough,” Iruka began to explain, “and he looks like he could hold me up and fuck me against the wall without using chakra, and it would be interesting to feel that beard everywhere...” Iruka trailed off as Kurenai pressed her hands to her cheeks, her blush already taking over her entire face.
“So why only a four?” Kotetsu asked.
“Because I hate the smell of cigarettes,” Iruka replied.
“And he lost a lot of points because of that? You don’t have to be face-to-face,” Anko pointed out.
“Like I said, I’d really like to fuck Asuma against a wall so he could lift me, so face-to-face is the only solution.”
“Oh, yes, yes...” Anko agreed.
Iruka reached forward and snapped her fingers. “So who’s next?” she asked. She hadn’t expected the amusement she felt at the reactions of the kunoichi sitting around the booth. She hadn’t had anything to drink yet and she could already feel the day’s fatigue and stress ebbing away from her in waves.
“Oh, I know! I know!” Kotetsu rested her elbows on the table and her face in her hands. “Gai!”
When the other kunoichi at the table giggled, Iruka fanned herself with her hand, causing them to look surprised.
“Oh, do tell! How much are you giving Gai?” Kotetsu asked.
“An eight, if not a nine,” Iruka replied. She narrowed her eyes, sighed, and smiled dreamily.
“That’s quite... high,” Izumo remarked.
“Well, I thought the spandex and the loudness would lower your grade a bit,” Anko added.
Iruka waved her hand. “He won’t be wearing spandex during sex. And as for being loud...” She smiled out of the corner of her mouth. “I don’t mind and besides I think he’d have his mouth occupied. Because I can’t imagine Gai not announcing that if he doesn’t make me come on his mouth ten times in two hours, he’ll definitely make me come at least twenty times in the night, so I don’t see where the problem is.”
All the kunoichi at the table exhaled sharply and crossed their legs.
“Uhm, I hadn’t thought of that,” Izumo admitted.
“Iruka, you really have a knack when it comes to this kind of thing,” Anko remarked. “I’ll be coming to you with every new person I’m interested in.”
Kurenai hummed. She looked at Iruka with a strangely calm and analyzing gaze, as if searching for a weak spot. Iruka was about to finally take a sip from her cup but seeing that look, she set it down on the counter, preferring to be vigilant. She prepared to dodge again but instead Kurenai simply asked, “What about Kakashi?”
“Ooh, Kakashi,” Izumo sighed.
“He’s an eight for me ” Anko said.
“Yeah, eight is a good number,” Kotetsu agreed. “All this… mystery. What’s under his mask? What’s under his hitai ate?”
“He has a Sharingan under his hitai ate, that’s obvious,” Anko added. “But everything else? The big unknown. A few people have seen it and they’re thrilled. And that makes you want to know, and… ah, ah, mystery is highly prized.”
Iruka grimaced a bit. “For me, Ibiki gets that high prize because it’s a mystery how much torture he actually endured and still he emerged relatively unscathed. His endurance gives him an eight from me. But Kakashi? Kakashi is like a... strong two.”
Kotetsu and Izumo spat out sake in surprise, and Anko gaped at her. Kurenai merely frowned, tilted her head and asked, “Why so low? Why the lowest of all?”
Iruka took a deep breath. “Kakashi always has such a lazy attitude so how do I know he wouldn’t expect me to do everything for him? I also have a hard time believing Naruto but he’s drilled into me that Kakashi must be hiding something unpleasant under that mask and while I don’t want to seem shallow, a one-night stand is out of the question, and since no one’s ever seen him with anyone then if Kakashi has any relationships, they’re only short-lived. He’s always late so why would he be on time for dates? He reads Icha Icha so he probably has a warped understanding of sex because, for example, I don’t have huge breasts and every main character Jiraiya has created is modeled after Tsunade. I also often can’t come from penetration alone and in Icha Icha every heroine can always come from just that. And sometimes I just want to suck a dick myself, without having it shoved down my throat. So, no, no thanks, I’m good.”
Silence answered her again. Iruka grabbed the sake and looked challengingly at Kurenai, who blinked a few times and cleared her throat. “You’ve been thinking about this a lot,” she observed.
Iruka couldn’t say anything to that so instead she tipped back her cup and drank it all at once.
She did think about it. A lot. Too much. But how could she not when Ayame, who had seen Kakashi’s face, sighs every time anyone even mentions his name? How could she not when Kakashi shares information about Naruto with her as soon as he gets it? She had to protect herself by collecting Kakashi’s flaws so she wouldn’t fall in love. That was the last thing she needed.
The decision to accept Genma’s invitation and go out with him and couple other jounin to a bar turned out to be a wise one. Kakashi hadn’t expected the Rusty Shuriken to be such a fountain of gossip.
They were sipping sake when Asuma’s name was mentioned from a nearby table. Everyone glanced at him: Gai with curiosity, Genma with surprise and Kakashi out of the corner of his eye. Genma patted him on the back when they heard how low rating he had gotten but a moment later his hand froze as the kunoichi began to explain why. He sat up straighter and moved his senbon to the other side of his mouth. “Which one is it?” he asked.
“Iruka Umino,” Kakashi replied, stealing a glance at the table only he had in his line of vision. “With Kurenai, Anko, and two other kunoichi, both chuunin.”
“They found some interesting topics to talk about,” Asuma remarked, stubbing out his cigarette.
The four of them agreed wordlessly to keep quiet and listen to who else the kunoichi were gossiping about. They weren’t disappointed; the next person to be put on the spot was Gai. Kakashi was glad Gai couldn’t make it a challenge to see who would get the most points as he didn’t feel like refusing him. Moreover, surprised by how high Gai had scored with Iruka, Kakashi gulped down the entire sake cup through his mask.
Gai blushed, so Kakashi elbowed him.
“She’s telling the truth, isn’t she?” Genma asked, grinning widely, yet still holding the senbon in his mouth. But then his eyes lit up and he looked at Kakashi, whose name had just been mentioned from the booth they were eavesdropping on. “This will be interesting.”
Kakashi set his cup down. He agreed with Genma – this would be interesting for him because since Naruto became his student, he’d heard so much about Iruka-sensei that he felt like he knew her. And what he knew about her was intriguing. Kakashi was trying to get himself to talk to her, to ask her out, but there was never a good opportunity. And considering how low she ranked him, he hadn’t expected that—
That she’d observed him enough to know his attitude. That she was so interested in what he had under his mask that she’d listened to Naruto’s discourse on the matter. That she’d took notice that he’d never been seen in romantic situations with anyone. That she’d describe Jiraiya’s books in such detail, which meant she’d read them herself.
Kakashi smiled beneath his mask, even though Asuma and Genma – especially Genma – were mocking him under their breath and even Guy was suppressing a smile.
“I’ll drink to that,” Genma said, taking a sip of sake.
“…will you rate Genma?” Anko asked. Everyone at the table froze, including Genma, still holding a cup to his lips.
First they heard Iruka’s snort and only then her words. “A two, and barely that. It’s not the same strong two as Kakashi, it’s… one and a half.” Genma gasped and if it weren’t for Asuma, who quickly grabbed his senbon, Genma would have sucked it down his throat. Iruka continued, “Come on, he learned the jutsu from the Yondaime, his speed jutsu, so I don’t want anything to do with anyone associated with being fast. Speed isn’t something I want in my bedroom because even a quickie has its limits.”
Gai lost the fight against his smile and chuckled openly, while Genma looked like he wasn’t sure what to do with his life. Asuma lit another cigarette and looked content despite everything.
Kakashi finished his sake, left the money on the counter and used a jutsu to disappear from the club without a word. He had received new information today, which made his thoughts about Iruka intensify because… well. Iruka really thought about him a lot, didn’t she? Kurenai was right about that. Could that mean Kakashi actually had a chance, even though he scored so low?
He wouldn’t know until he tried. And there was no Naruto in the village to compete with for time with Iruka. So… why not? He could start showing up at the mission desk in his free time. Eat meals at Ichiraku’s. And after a while, if he still wanted to, if it turned out Iruka was really that interesting, maybe he’d ask her out.
Decision made, Kakashi closed Icha Icha and, leaping across the rooftops, headed for the memorial stone to tell his team how his evening went.