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“Red flag. Red flag. Come back to the pits.”
“Who is it?”
“Uhh, it seems like Antonelli is in the barriers at Turn 3. Debris on track as well.”
“Is he out?”
“No information yet but I will check and let you know.”
“Oh dear, that crash looked nasty. There is a red flag out now, all the cars on track are to return to the pits as the marshalls try and get Antonelli out of the car. There has been no response from the young man on the radio yet…but we are all hoping that he is alright.”
“Is he out?”
“Not yet. The medical team will be reaching the crash site soon.”
“And now for news from the world of motorsports, Italian Formula 1 driver, Andrea Kimi Antonelli is still in critical condition following his high speed crash during the Grand Prix on Sunday. He was transported from the track via chopper to the hospital after the young driver had failed to respond to radio check-ins by his race engineer Peter Bonnington and was found unconscious in the car. Reports say that he has suffered multiple fractures but the extent of injury to his brain, if any, is still unknown. The FIA has—”
Ollie wakes up with a jerk.
The first thing he registers is that it is cold. The second thing he registers is that his neck hurts really bad. He blinks then looks around. Right.
Slowly, he brings his legs down and stretches them out in front. He wasn’t supposed to fall asleep yet, though he will admit he has been exhausted for days now. Across from him Kimi is still lying with his eyes closed as the machines hooked up to him beep in that weirdly unsettling way. Ollie has been listening to them for three days now. He has memorised the pattern.
—
charles
Hello. Just checking in to see how you are.
Is there anything you need for me to bring over?
I will talk to the team for you so you don’t have to worry about that.
How are you doing?
Please do not hesitate to call me if you need anything.
His vision is blurry and Ollie blinks his eyes several times as he tries to read the texts on his phone. He is lucky his teammate is understanding.
“No, no you don’t understand. I need to know what hospital they took him to, please—”
“Ollie, I’m sorry. We can’t give you that information. It is only for—”
“I don’t care! Please, I just need to know.” His voice breaks off into a sob. He’s hysterical, he knows. He’s acting unreasonable, he knows that too. But fuck, there is nothing else he can do or feel right now. He desperately needs to know where Kimi is. “Please, I need to know.” The poor Mercedes employee looks around helplessly but nobody can offer any assistance.
“Hey, Ollie, here. What’s going on?”
The employee breathes a sigh of relief when Charles finally makes it down to the Mercedes garage. He puts a careful hand on Ollie’s shoulder to get his attention, but it makes him flinch.
“Charles. Charles, tell them to please tell me where they took Kimi, please.”
The employee meets Charles’ eyes with a defeated look on her face. Charles understands. He also understands what Ollie must be feeling right now.
“Why don’t you come with me? I’m sure everybody here is very busy right now. We can just go to the side and take a breath—”
“I don’t want to take a fucking breath,” Ollie snaps, pushing Charles’ hand off his shoulder. “I just want to know one simple thing and these people refuse to tell me it.”
“Okay, okay.” Charles tries again. “How about you come with me for now and I promise you I will get you the information about where they’ve taken Kimi,” he offers as a bargain, one which Ollie seems to accept.
True to his word, Charles does get the information about Kimi’s whereabouts. Then, he manages to get both of them out of the meetings and debriefs and drives Ollie to the hospital. He stays with him till Ollie gets over the initial shock of seeing Kimi’s condition. And he stays with him till Ollie seems to have settled down and only leaves after he’s made sure that there is someone else who will keep an eye on him there in the hospital.
Ollie never asks Charles how he got the information about where they had taken Kimi.
charles
thank you, i’m okay
i don’t need anything right now
has the team said anything?
I can handle the team, you don’t need to worry about it
Are you sure you don’t need anything?
yes i’m sure
thank you once again
It’s alright
Take care of yourself
:)
—
Kimi’s mother looks frail as she sits by her son’s hospital bed, holding his hands. Her lips keep moving, probably in prayer. His little sister weeps quietly, holding his other hand, and his dad stands by the top of the bed with a hard expression. Ollie can see that his eyes are glistening.
The doctor gives them an update on Kimi’s condition. Ollie tries but there’s not much he can hear from outside the hospital room anyway. Still, he keeps looking inside in the hope that maybe he can make out some words if he concentrates on the movements of the doctor’s lips. A few moments later the doctor leaves and Ollie fights the urge to bombard him with questions.
Toto Wolff has been by to visit Kimi a couple of times since Sunday. He greets the Antonelli family with a somber expression, but not so somber that it looks like he’s mourning. Because he’s not. There’s no reason to. He spots Ollie sitting outside every time and gives him a curious look. That’s fair.
“You should get some sleep, son.” It’s Kimi’s father. Ollie shakes his head.
“I’m okay, Mr. Antonelli.”
“You are not and I can see it.” He takes a seat next to Ollie on the uncomfortable chairs outside the room. “Go home and rest. I will call you if anything changes.”
“What did the doctor say?”
He watches Kimi’s father take a deep breath before speaking. “He is stable now, out of danger. He is still in a coma and we will have to wait for him to wake up.
Research shows that 87% of the individuals showing low GCS scores are expected to pass away or remain in a vegetative state with only a small percentage expected to make moderate recovery…
“Oh. Okay.” Ollie needs to not think about stupid Google results right now. They overexaggerate results anyway. “You will call me if anything changes?”
“I promise. Go and get some rest, okay? He wouldn’t want to see you in this state either.”
—
Gabriel had texted him multiple times since Sunday. Many of those texts were him expressing his confusion as to why Ollie had to rush to the hospital on Sunday even before the FIA black-flagged the race. Truth is, Ollie doesn’t quite know it either.
“How was the shower?”
The thing about being neighbours with a friend is that they will know when you finally come back to your apartment after being gone for four days and then will invite themselves in and forcefully try and help you.
“Good.” Ollie doesn’t really have the energy for a response more elaborate than that. Gabi hums as if considering his answer. Then, he pushes Ollie into one of the chairs by the kitchen island and pushes a plate of food towards him. It’s sandwiches.
“Eat,” he commands. “Your trainer won’t hear a thing about the ingredients of this sandwich I promise.”
Ollie doesn’t really have the energy for arguments anymore, so he eats.
—
Charles could get him out of work for only so many days. By Friday he is back in Maranello, back in way too many meetings, and back in the simulator. He’s been moving slower through things much slower than before. Anytime anyone’s phone makes a sound Ollie reaches for his own, which is stupid because he never even gave Kimi’s father his phone number. He had only said that he would call Ollie if anything changed so that Ollie would finally get off his ass and go home and let the family care for their son alone.
Charles finds him in his room during the break in the afternoon.
“Did you have lunch?” he asks. Ollie takes a second before shaking his head. “Come on. I heard they’ve made tiramisu for dessert today.”
Ollie usually loves a good tiramisu, and where else could you find a better tiramisu outside Italy? Today when he let bites of the dessert sit on his tongue, they all tasted bitter to him. Charles seemed to enjoy his dessert, though Ollie could tell he was also trying to keep an eye out for his trainer.
“How did you deal with it?”
Charles’ spoon stops mid-air. “With what?”
Ollie puts his spoon back into the half-eaten tiramisu cup. “The doctors, they said Kimi is stable but in a coma, and that they don’t know when exactly he will wake up.”
Charles stiffens, Ollie almost feels bad for bringing this up to Charles.
“I won’t lie to you, it’s not easy.” Charles’ expression falls just a little, probably from the memories coming back to him. Unpleasant memories that Ollie is now making him remember. “The uncertainty eats away at you. It feels odd going on with life when you know that the other person’s has been put on pause. So many things would happen and I would remember all of them so that I could tell Jules when he woke up. Told myself that I will catch Jules up with everything he has missed and then it will be like he never even left. Never lost all that time.”
But Charles never got to tell Jules anything of the things. The world kept turning, the calendar pages kept flipping over. Jules would keep missing things forever.
“Kimi won’t be like that.” There is conviction in Charles’ voice. “He is strong and he is stubborn. He will wake up soon.”
Ollie hopes he doesn’t have a very long list of things to catch Kimi up on. The tiramisu tastes less bitter now.
—
Fred has been driving in Kimi’s place for the past three races now. Instead of ANT there is now a VES on the timing tower.
The team gets asked about Kimi’s situation every weekend, and every weekend they give the press the same answer: he’s stable but unconscious and he will wake up soon.
“Do you know anything about how Kimi’s doing now?”
The sun is shining overhead, and the black interiors of the Driver’s Parade truck isn’t helping much with the heat. Ollie has to ask Arvid to repeat himself.
“I heard you were with him at the hospital for a few days? The team gives PR team approved answers anyway so I was wondering if you knew anything more?”
There are a couple more drivers around them as well—Liam, Gabriel, and Franco. They all now were looking at Ollie for an answer.
“No, sorry. I don’t know more than what the team has been telling everyone. I was only there for the first few days and when I left he had just slipped into his coma.”
“How, uhh, how did he look?” Liam asks. Ollie knows what he actually wanted to ask. How bad is he?
“Multiple fractures, some internal bleeding. They don’t know the full effect of the crash on his brain yet. They’ll be able to tell once he wakes up.”
Everybody nods their head in varying levels of understanding and concern. Ollie turns away to wave at the fans in the grandstands.
—
“Oliver, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry about the car.”
“Medical car has been deployed. The marshalls will be getting you out shortly.”
Ollie hits his steering wheel in frustration before pulling it out. It had been a stupid, stupid mistake.
What, he sees a Mercedes car getting too close to the walls and suddenly his hands freeze on the steering wheel and he sends his own car into the barriers? Stupid, stupid, stupid. Not something Ferrari should tolerate. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
The doctors in the medical center check him out and clear him of any injuries. The reporters ask him What happened? and Ollie has to come up with some professional enough sounding bullshit. The simple truth is that he fucked up.
Charles comes to check up on him after his podium celebrations are done. There is still champagne on his hair and his suit which he will have to change out of before he goes out for his interviews.
“What happened with the crash?” he asks. Ollie knows he can’t bullshit his way out now.
“It was a stupid fucking mistake and it was all on me.” Charles sits down on the little couch next to Ollie, careful not to let his sticky suit touch Ollie’s clothes. “I…God it’s so stupid.”
“It’s alright. You can tell me still.”
Ollie exhales. “I saw a Mercedes in front of me getting close to the barriers and I just—fuck, I just froze! My hands wouldn’t move and I had already turned the steering wheel so it just got stuck in that position and before I could even correct it I was already in the barriers.”
Charles hums thoughtfully like he understands. He’s probably judging Ollie for his mistake too. Charles wouldn’t have made such a mistake. Charles would’ve driven just as well as he does no matter what’s going on in his personal life. Maybe Ferrari are going to reconsider their decision now. Rafa is available only a few doors down the pitlane. One phone call is all it would take to make a swap and send Ollie back into the red and white cars—
“Ollie, hey, look at me.” Ollie feels something sticky on his palms and slowly realises that it is Charles’ hand. “It was just a mistake.”
“A mistake I shouldn’t have made.”
“When you saw the car close to the barriers you froze. It is a natural reaction to have considering what you’ve been going through.”
“Yeah but you wouldn’t have made that mistake. You don’t let things like these affect you ever. I’m just—”
“Don’t say ‘stupid’.”
“Well,” Ollie pauses. “I feel that way anyway.”
Charles gives him that concerned look again. He’s been wearing it more and more around Ollie these days. “How I deal with emotions and how you deal with emotions is always going to be different. You can’t keep blaming yourself like this.”
He knows Charles is right. But Ollie's emotions don't even make sense to him in the first place. Why has he been so affected by Kimi’s crash when all of the other drivers have been fine?
—
There’s a notebook. Ollie has a notebook in which he’s been writing down everything Kimi has missed in the past eight months and he can’t fucking find that notebook now. He has checked under pillows, under his couch, in his dishwasher—everywhere.
He got the call from Kimi’s dad this morning. He’s waking up. He’s finally waking up and Kimi’s family would like it if Ollie wants to come visit.
He finds the notebook on one of the shelves in the TV unit. He doesn’t have time to wonder how it got there in the first place, he needs to be at the hospital in fifteen minutes. So he shoves the notebook into his bag, grabs his car keys, and leaves.
Standing outside the hospital room, Ollie thinks about how he can’t remember the last time he saw the Antonelli family so happy. They’re all smiling, standing around Kimi. The doctor is telling them something, pointing to a file in his hand and to Kimi. The good thing is he’s saying all of this with a smile on his face. There are no tense expressions, no hints of any sympathy or pity. Kimi is fine. Kimi is okay. He beat the statistic that has been haunting Ollie for the past eight months.
Marco spots him from the inside. He excuses himself from the doctor, leaving him to ask Kimi whatever questions he needs to, before walking outside to greet Ollie.
“He is fully conscious now. All of his other injuries are healing well, his brain seems fine too. The doctor was worried about his memory but he asked a few questions and asked Kimi to name all of us in the room and he seemed to remember everything well.” He’s smiling. His eyes are glassy with tears.
“That’s…that’s amazing. Did they say how long it will take till he’s fully recovered?”
“A couple more months. So, he will probably have to miss the next season as well to recover and train enough to get back into a car. For now, the doctor has said to take it slow. We have to slowly fill him in on everything from the past few months so that he does not get overwhelmed.”
That’s fine. That’s doable. Ollie has his notebook for exactly that reason.
“Do you want to come in and meet him?”
Ollie hesitates for a second. The last time he and Kimi had interacted before the crash was before that race. On the way to the national anthem they had both acknowledged each other with a quick hello and a shake of hands. He wonders how Kimi would react when he finds out how Ollie had been acting since his crash. Will he find it weird? Obsessive? Or will he be glad that somebody out of all twenty-one of his colleagues cared enough to check up on him and not leave his side.
Everybody’s eyes turn to Ollie when he walks into the room. Kimi looks much better now than he did all those months ago. The bandages on his face are gone now and the bruises have faded away. His leg is not in a cast anymore but he will definitely need physiotherapy to slowly bring it back to its original state. His arm is also out of the cast though it still looks swollen, but that can also probably be fixed as the recovery process moves along.
Kimi looks at him with an unreadable expression. Coming out of a coma must be pretty disorienting, Ollie reasons.
The smile on his face stretches from ear to ear when Ollie says, “Hey. How are you feeling now?”
The doctor with Kimi’s charts in his hands waits for him to answer. Kimi’s parents watch as their son slowly blinks, his eyebrows knitting slightly. He doesn’t respond immediately but that’s fair too. Ollie’s question was pretty dumb anyway.
“We’ve missed you on the track. You might need a little more time till you’re ready to race again but I can’t wait till you’re back again. Oh also,” Ollie reaches into his backpack to pull out the notebook. “I know you’ve, uh, missed a bunch of stuff so I tried to write some of them down in this. If you want you can read through it so that you can catch up on everything at your own pace.”
Kimi’s mother purses her lips, smiling at the thoughtful gesture. The doctor seems to nod approvingly at the notebook idea as well. Kimi still has that same expression on his face. He looks at his parents rather cluelessly.
Ollie lowers the notebook that he’d been holding out. “Kimi?”
Kimi turns his head towards Ollie then, the look on his face slightly apologetic. “I, uh, I am sorry,” he finally says. “I cannot remember who you are.”