Work Text:
Jared stirs a generous helping of whiskey into two glasses of Diet Coke, breathing in the cool evening air with a deep breath and letting it fill his lungs up to capacity before he lets it go. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe everything that’s happening is real. Jared still can’t wrap his head around the fact that he’s a dad, that he has a son, and now Jensen is one too and it’s all too overwhelming to deal with sometimes. Secretly, Jared was really happy Jensen called him. He loves Tom but he was going crazy in Texas without Jensen. He hates when they can’t see each other for any amount of time longer than a couple of days – hates when he has to be in that house with Gen and play pretend; act like the happy, normal little family they will never truly be.
It’s been getting too hard lately. It’s never exactly been easy, but lately he’s been having a lot trouble remembering the reasons they did this in the first place. It all seemed so logical at the time. It seemed like it was what was best for the show, and Jared would never, ever have wanted to do anything to jeopardize the show that led him to the love of his life, not to mention the hundreds of people it employs who’ve become his family over the last eight years. It made sense. But then there were engagement rings and weddings and children who Jared loves but who make everything so much more complicated, and in the last little while, whatever sense it used to make is quickly slipping away. Jared can’t even pretend he’s happy around Gen anymore. And maybe that’s why, when Jensen called and begged him for help with his newborn, Jared was on the first flight out of Austin less than two hours later.
The sliding glass door whooshes as it opens, and Jared turns around and sees Jensen, looking stressed and exhausted and disheveled but still so beautiful it makes Jared’s heart speed up like the very first time he saw him.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“She’s asleep,” Jensen answers in a croaky voice, walking over and taking the drink Jared offers him.
“JJ or Danni?”
“Both. I meant JJ, though. Danni can get herself to sleep.”
Jared laughs softly. He remembers how it is the first couple of weeks. He definitely doesn’t miss it. He reaches a hand out and Jensen takes it, and he pulls Jensen in close and slides his free arm around Jensen’s waist. He means it to be a quick and casual embrace but to his surprise, Jensen puts his drink down on the table and wraps both his arms around Jared’s middle. Jared frowns, but he leans over and puts his glass down too so he can wrap Jensen up in a hug.
“You okay?” he asks. Jensen isn’t normally clingy.
Jensen nods and tucks his head under Jared’s chin. “Thanks for comin’, Jare.”
“Don’t even, man. You needed me. I was out the door before I thought twice about it.”
“Was Gen mad?”
Jared rolls his eyes a little and sighs. “Yeah. But that’s nothing new.”
“M’sorry,” Jensen says in a small, tired voice. “Didn’t mean to cause friction between you two.”
“It isn’t you that’s causin’ it,” Jared tells him honestly.
Jensen looks up at him inquisitively, but Jared shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk about that right now. He kisses Jensen’s cheek and then he leads him over to one of the lounge chairs by the pool. He sits in it, propping his feet up, and gently pulling Jensen down to sit between his legs. Jensen gets comfy and then leans back against Jared’s chest, resting his head on Jared’s shoulder and closing his eyes. Jared slides his arms around Jensen’s waist and rubs a slow circle low on his stomach.
“You’re doin’ good,” he soothes. “It’ll get easier.”
“She’s so goddamn small,” Jensen says. He takes one of Jared’s hands in his and laces their fingers together. “I keep thinking I’m gonna crush her.”
Jared chuckles. “You won’t. They’re not as breakable as they look.”
“We have kids.” Jensen sounds exactly like Jared feels – like even though he knows it’s true, he still can’t quite get his head around it.
“I know. We’re grown-ups, man.”
“Remember when we met? Did you ever think …?”
Jared grins. “Did I ever think nine years later we’d be secretly together and have babies with our fake wives?”
“Guess that wouldn’t have made much sense,” Jensen says with a soft laugh.
“Not exactly the way every kid dreams his life will turn out.”
Jared meant it as a joke, but Jensen leans a little to one side so he can see Jared’s face, and he’s frowning. “Do you regret it?”
Jared’s heart skips a beat and then clenches. “No. Not for a second,” he says quietly, but completely seriously. He kisses Jensen’s forehead, the faint lines that weren’t there nine years ago that somehow just make Jensen even sexier because he’s a jerk like that, and then kisses Jensen’s lips and remembers the first time he ever did that. He goes to pull away after a moment but Jensen’s mouth chases his so Jared attaches their lips together again, slow and soft and consuming.
Jensen relaxes again after a few minutes of unhurried kisses, his weight warm and familiar and comforting against Jared’s chest. “Things aren’t goin’ good in Texas?”
Jared sighs. He kisses the top of Jensen’s head to avoid answering the question, but he’s never been good at keeping things from Jensen. He tightens his arms around Jensen’s ribcage, turning his face into the side of Jensen’s head and breathing in the smell of his hair. “Me ‘n Gen have been fighting. Just little things. Things that aren’t important but seem important ‘cause we’re at the end of our ropes. She kept calling you he when I said I was leaving. He gets to see you all the time and this is your time to spend with us and you’re leaving because he needs you. Wouldn’t say your name.”
“I’m sorry we have to keep doin’ this,” Jensen mumbles.
“It isn’t your fault.”
“Some of it is,” Jensen argues, and Jared shakes his head.
“None of it is. I would go through a thousand fights with her and a thousand interviews where I have to stick my wife into my answers and a thousand days where I can’t be with you if it means we get to have this. This, right here. You in my arms, kissing me, pressed against me. Moments like this make it all worth it.”
“I love you,” Jensen whispers, and Jared whispers it back. “Sometimes I think maybe it isn’t worth it anymore. I’ve got this kid, this little girl up there asleep in her crib, and I’m her dad. I’m supposed to protect her and give her a good life and I let her be born into a lie.”
“It won’t be this way forever,” Jared promises. “Someday this’ll all be over. You ‘n me will just be us, without all the rest of it. We’ll have her and Tom every other week or whatever, and we’ll … we’ll be a family.”
Jensen doesn’t answer. He just slouches down a little so he’s leaning even more against Jared. His eyes are closed and Jared knows how tired he is. He should just let Jensen fall asleep, and just keep holding him and keeping him safe until he wakes up. It’s been way too many weeks since he’s been able to do that. And he doesn’t want to voice the question out loud. He’s been avoiding it, because he’s not sure he wants to know the answer. But he has to.
“Did you name her Jay for me?” he asks softly.
One corner of Jensen’s mouth curves into a smile, but it’s a minute before he answers. “And after you,” he says eventually.
Something warm spreads through Jared’s chest and out to his extremities that has nothing to do with the warm California air. “Why?”
“‘Cause you’re the best person I know,” Jensen answers. He reaches behind himself and cups Jared’s cheek in his palm, and Jared leans into it and kisses the heel of Jensen’s hand. “If there’s anyone in the world I want her to grow up to be like, it’s you.”
There are moments in Jared’s life when he can’t believe how much he loves Jensen. This might be one of them. Then the baby monitor in Jensen’s pocket buzzes and a soft cry crackles through the speaker, and Jensen groans.
“Damn. So close.”
Jared laughs sympathetically as Jensen pushes himself up off the chair and out of Jared’s arms. “Hey,” he says softly as Jensen starts to walk away. Jensen turns around and Jared tugs him back in. He hugs Jensen’s legs and presses a kiss to his hip from where he’s still sitting on the low chair. “Is there a room with a bed somewhere in this ridiculous McMansion of yours?”
Jensen raises an eyebrow and slides his hands into Jared’s hair. “Are you askin’ if you can stay here? I asked you to come, Jay. M’not gonna make you put yourself up in a hotel.”
“I meant a bed big enough for both of us.”
“Oh.” Jensen frowns just a little. “I … I want to. But she’s gonna be up every couple of hours, I …”
Jared grins and shakes him playfully. “M’not talkin’ about sex, doofus. Just wanna sleep with you. The non-dirty way.”
“Oh.” Jensen says again. Then he smiles and leans down to kiss Jared on the lips. “Yeah, there is. Been missin’ my life-sized teddy bear.”
“You like being snuggled. Admit it.”
JJ wails louder over the monitor and Jensen extracts himself from Jared’s arms with a sheepish smile. “Guess that’s my cue.”
Jared laughs. “Saved by the crying baby.”
Jensen starts to walk away again and Jared stands up and goes toward the table where he’d left his drink. But Jensen doesn’t make it all the way to the door before he’s turning around and walking back in Jared’s direction, grabbing him and pulling him in for one more kiss.
“I love you,” he murmurs. “Forever. No matter what.”
“I know,” Jared tells him. “Go. I’ll be here when you get back.”