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Felix’s hand hovers over his abdomen. He wants to feel the warmth of his own skin, but there is an equally strong urge not to touch. What if he feels something there? What if he doesn’t?
It’s ridiculous for him to feel so anxious here. Officially, they aren’t his rooms. He’s not the king or the king’s husband. But he sleeps here, has the majority of his things here, spends his heat here. This is his space. Going back to his own rooms would be nothing less than cowardice. He should want to be surrounded by his alpha’s scent right now, anyway.
Nevermind that Dimitri is not, officially speaking, his alpha. Felix raises the hand that isn't hovering over his abdomen and rubs his neck. It’s a solvable problem. It ought to be solved soon. Later today, maybe, if he can prevent Dimitri from overthinking. Surely he’s owed a miracle after everything.
Mitya, Felix thinks, trying to rehearse what the hell he plans to say. He shakes his head. No, best not to lead so softly. Dimitri.
The door opens suddenly, and Felix's hands freeze where they are. Absurdly, he feels exposed—as if Dimitri will see him touching his neck and know that he's thinking about a bite. As if Dimitri will see his hand hovering over his abdomen and know—
“Felix?” There's a current of worry in Dimitri's voice as he closes the door behind him. “I heard you went to the healer earlier. Are you well?”
What a question.
“I’m fine,” Felix snaps. He wishes, not for the first time, that he had any of the instincts that would make this whole thing between them easier. He doesn’t want to be some soft, sweet stereotype, but surely there is some kind of natural omega instinct that would solve a few problems.
To Dimitri’s credit, he doesn’t flinch back. His lips twitch up a little, and his open fondness just makes Felix want to bristle further. “If you are well enough to be irritated, I suppose I needn’t be too worried.”
Ugh. “Shut up. If you’re just going to be annoying, you may as well leave.”
Dimitri ignores him, sitting close enough that their thighs brush. He furrows his brow when he sees where Felix’s hand hovers. “Stomach troubles?”
Felix huffs. He lets the hand at his neck slide down and finally allows himself to actually touch his abdomen. “That’s one way to put it.” The thigh touching his stiffens, and he hears a sharp breath. Felix soldiers on. “Dimitri, I’m—”
Dimitri all but leaps off the couch. It’s almost funny. Felix did the same thing when the healer told him what his exhaustion, nausea, and tender breasts meant. He still feels like pacing around the room, but he’s not about to seem less composed than Dimitri.
“No.” Dimitri holds up a hand to his mouth, like he feels sick. He’s staring into the distance the way he does when he hears his ghosts, and Felix wants to scream.
“What do you mean no? You can’t just deny facts, Dimitri. There are decisions we need to make.”
Dimitri drops his hand, but he still refuses to meet Felix’s eyes. “Yes, you—you’re right. I owe you this much, at least. At least let me apologize first.”
“Don’t you dare,” Felix hisses. “Whatever you’re thinking, I don’t want to hear it. Neither of us expected this.”
“I have saddled you with a burden!” Dimitri finally looks at him now, eyes blazing with the same self-hatred that’s been driving Felix mad for years. “You allowed me into your nest, and in return I infected you.”
Felix grits his teeth and breathes through the fearscent coming off Dimitri in waves. “Even you can’t be stupid enough to think pregnancy is the same as infection.”
Dimitri has the gall to roll his eyes. “You know what I mean, Felix. You have always valued your independence, and now I have forced you to choose between that and a—”
He cuts himself off. The bastard can’t even say the word.
“A family?” Felix spits. “As always, you ignore alternatives that don’t let you blame yourself. There are ways to stop a pregnancy, especially this early.”
Dimitri looks pale. For a brief moment, Felix thinks he’ll object, though in his heart he knows Dimitri would never stop him. “Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know if I want to carry a child right now, but I’ll be damned if your selfishness is what decides it.” Felix says, forcing himself into a frail shell of calm. “I’d rather have a child with two fathers who want it, but I could raise it alone.”
Dimitri turns away, fists clenching. Felix can only imagine the possessiveness flooding his blood right now. He’d prefer to do more than just imagine it. “We aren't officially bonded. You still have options.”
“You know a bond isn’t only about a bite.” Felix’s hand jerks, almost going back to his neck. He stands up instead, getting into Dimitri’s space. “We've been pre-bonded since we were children! How else do you imagine you survived all those years alone?”
It’s not something they’ve spoken about since they were children. That doesn’t make it any less true.
(“Someday, I’m going to have your babies,” Felix murmurs sleepily. He’s curled up next to Dimitri, gentle pheromones filling the air around them. The scent of prepubescent children is weak, but they’re close enough that it hardly matters. “A million of them.”
Dimitri buries his nose in Felix’s hair. “I don’t think I can come up with a million names.”
“Don’t worry,” Felix sighs, already half-asleep. “I’ll do whatever you can’t.”)
Whatever else can be said about Felix Fraldarius, he remembers his promises.
“We still haven’t sealed anything. You are not bound to me.” Dimitri says it like he’s sure, the same way he’s been doing since the Tragedy. How unfortunate for him that Felix has never once believed it.
Felix grabs Dimitri by the jaw, gripping none too gently. “Do you respect me?”
Finally, Dimitri seems to snap out of his self-loathing spiral, at least on some level. “What? Of course I do. Have I done something to suggest otherwise?”
“Yes,” Felix says, with no small amount of irritation. “This.”
Dimitri stiffens, and Felix feels a sense of triumph, though not enough to overshadow his frustration.
“You’re trying to use me to punish yourself. You think that if you can just show me how horrible you are, I’ll keep you out of my nest and it’ll prove that you’re unworthy of being my mate or some such nonsense.”
“Since when are you such a student of the human character?” Dimitri sounds unsettled, and maybe Felix is supposed to dislike that, maybe he’s meant to feel an urge to soothe his alpha, but all he feels is satisfaction.
“I’m not. I’m an expert on you.”
With that, Felix turns on his heel and stalks into the bedroom. He slams the door behind him, barely soothed by the heavy scenting emanating from the bed. He’s taken to leaving his nest half-assembled after his heats, so it should be easy for him to put back to rights. Dimitri can be as obnoxious as he likes. It hasn’t changed Felix’s mind yet.
It’s ironic to be the one locked out. Dimitri stares at the door, certain for a moment that it is a final message. This is Felix’s reply. This is the punishment he has earned.
(“Mitya,” Felix calls, sending both sound and scent. It’s growing stronger, as Felix approaches puberty. “Please let me in.”
Dimitri keeps his bedroom door firmly locked. It feels awful. He wants Felix’s soft comfort so badly that he has to bite his lip not to keen for it. The taste of blood reminds him why he can’t allow Felix close. What happened in Duscur made him sharp. He’s dangerous, tainted, a ball of pain just waiting to share itself with those foolish or innocent enough to still see a boy where there is only a ghost.
Isn’t it his duty to protect Felix? Hasn’t that always been the plan? Surely, even if they do not bond, Dimitri can still hold true to that vow.)
Of course, if Dimitri were to say that out loud, Felix would be vicious. He’s made his thoughts on Dimitri’s remorse quite clear. Dimitri remains unconvinced that Felix has the right of it, but at this point, he should know better than to argue.
The door remains shut. Dimitri can’t bring himself to walk away. Even if this isn’t Felix’s way of locking him out forever, it could still be an indicator that Dimitri should sleep elsewhere tonight. And yet, despite the parts of him crying out to leave, to keep Felix and what grows inside of him safe, Dimitri cannot help but reach out and try the doorknob.
It turns easily, unlocked.
Well, there’s no use in turning back now. Dimitri opens the door and steps inside the room that houses Felix’s nest, where their scents entwine, where he apparently did what he once never imagined possible and dared to plant life in fertile ground.
Felix is perched on the bed, without a stitch of clothing. “It’s about time.”
He’s nothing like the perfect picture of an omega. Felix sits with his arms crossed, surrounded by softness and looking furious. He’s as far from delicate as the sky from the sea.
Dimitri loves him. It doesn’t make the fear go away—if anything, it makes the fear more potent. But perhaps it makes the rest worthwhile.
It gives him something to care for, and that is worth the peril.
Dimitri closes the door behind him, locking it without taking his eyes off Felix. Looking away would suggest weakness. Docility. Things an alpha is not meant to be, and while he doubts Felix cares about that part, he does know that Felix would never accept a mate who doesn’t challenge him.
It’s not easy to step forward and strip off his own clothing. It’s not simple to crawl on the bed, pausing just before the barriers to Felix’s nest. It’s nearly impossible to cross that boundary when Felix rolls his eyes and gestures him forward.
Dimitri swallows thickly once he’s close enough to feel Felix’s body heat. He’s trying to keep his head clear, but Felix has made the idea laughable. Perhaps that’s his plan. Muddle Dimitri’s mind until he can do nothing but acquiesce to Felix’s will. It wouldn’t be so bad.
Felix reaches out and takes Dimitri’s hand, guiding it to his own abdomen. It’s terrifying until Dimitri notices that Felix is shaking too, and then instinct takes over and he pulls Felix into his arms. The way Felix goes easily, even letting out a soft noise of comfort, of something like submission, nearly ruins Dimitri. Felix flinches at his own noise, which at least feels more normal. Still, he turns his head into Dimitri’s neck and does not protest the hold.
“Do you want this?”
It should have been Dimitri’s first question. This is more important than his atonement. Felix was right to call him selfish. Regardless of his own fears, it is Felix whose body is changed, Felix who must decide how wholly he wishes to change his own life.
Felix squirms a bit, as though he’s not sure whether he wants to press into or away from Dimitri. “I don’t know. Someday I want a family with you, but right now there are still so many problems. The council objects to every third thing you say, there are skirmishes at the borders, you won’t even bite me—”
Dimitri can’t help the way he stiffens at that. Felix glances up at him, clearly unimpressed. “Don’t deny it. You’ve had the opportunity.”
“I wasn’t sure if you wanted that,” Dimitri says, which is at least half a lie. He may not have been entirely certain, but he’d feel safe betting half the kingdom on his suspicion.
Felix sighs and leans further into Dimitri’s hold. He’s still plainly frustrated, but not enough to reject the soothing warmth and scent. “Then I’ll put it plainly. If you don’t bite me tonight, I’ll throw you out of your room until I’ve decided what to do about the pregnancy.”
Dimitri can’t pretend he feels no thrill at hearing Felix ask for his bite. For a bond, physical and real, holding them tied by their very blood. He wants it. Of course he wants Felix like that.
“You first.” Dimitri twists Felix in his arms until they’re facing each other. Felix looks confused for a moment, until Dimitri bends his neck. He watches Felix realize what he’s asking. What he’s offering.
“Oh.” Felix blinks, then licks his lips, eagerness writ all over him. “Well, that’s fine then.”
It’s more than just fine, and Dimitri knows it. There’s comfort in Felix’s desire, even as so much ahead of them still lies unanswered. This won’t solve their problems, not really. It’s not an answer.
It’s a promise. As Felix lowers his teeth, ready to bite, Dimitri thinks he prefers this, anyway. Answers leave once the problem ends, but a vow is something to keep forever.