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No. No.
I'd been with the Boys the whole time. Since the beggining. Since Robin. Hell, the day prior to this I wanted every single supe dead. Especially for Frenchie. Even of it took Kimiko and Annie, even Ryan. It was principal. It was justice. There was no equality without sacrifice. Supes shouldn't exist. No matter how hot Soldier Boy was.
But this was something else. This was fucking wrong. This is not what I had wanted at all. Over the past couple of years, I'd come to understand Homelander. Understand that, while on different sides of morality, we shared the same banality. The same sin. The same sickness.
Loneliness. An utter emptiness, the desire to be Ioved. Fully and truly accepted, valided by all. While I knew this was unrealistic, I still yearned. While I knew this was unrealistic, Homelander sought it blindly, fully, intrinsically. Without ever even coming close to accepting the overwhelming need within himself, while I smiled and knew that this world was doomed, he didn't falter. Not in any way that mattered. Not in any way that changed the crowbar tearing his scalp from his brain.
When Ryan charged his father I went cold. Still. Numb. I don't know why but I didn't expect this to be the end. Foolishness... arrogance? Who could really say at this point.
When John- Homelander jumped pathetically in a delicate attempt at flying away, I laughed. Now, just a few minutes later, my knees buckled and my face grimaced as tears muddled my vision. My fucking heart. I could have saved him. I know it. Stupid, stupid beautiful blonde piece of shit bastard. He's not worth my tears. He would have killed me as soon as he felt me getting too close, just like everybody else.
No. I could have fixed him.
The few times me and the Boys had run into him, I had understood. The few times he had come to me, alone, lost, I had descended into the cold blue of his eyes. Willingly. Exponentially. Though I could never leave with him, the cause of a very slight pain in my heart, because I knew it was a death sentence.
But this fucking felt worse.
I tremble from where I kneel at his side, hands reaching out and hovering over him shakily but hesitating to touch him. To feel the cold lack of life in his skin that'll make it all true. A choked out sob escapes my throat as my cheeks become much more damp than they ever should be in this moment.
"Oi..." Butcher mutters, eyes full of hesitation, questioning. Hughie's eyebrows are raised higher than a whore at Epcot, not knowing what words to chirp for once as his hands raise carefully.
"Y/N?" He asks, confused as Ryan. Though Ryan looks a tad more spiteful. Disgusted.
The weakest fucking sound escapes me.
"He..." I gasp. "He wasn't..." My hands reach out towards him before they clutch at my chest, curling in on myself as I let the tears fall freely, face furrowing painfully. "He let Legend go... that... that...." My chest starts to heave and everyone in the room exchanges concerned glances.
The wail I let out is both unreasonable and unequivocal. And final. So, so final as I take his delicate, crumpled body into my arms, holding him close as I suddenly shoot off into the sky.
Pieces of his flesh fall away from him as the wind tears around us, his blood likely dripping down hundreds of miles away, like sprinkles before a rain that never comes.
It falls along with my tears as I rip into the atmosphere, the sound of a sonic boom resonating across what seems like the entire world.
I don't know where I'm going. Somewhere calm. Somewhere soft. Kind. Loved.
That's all he always wanted.