Chapter Text
Divination had never been my strong suit at Hogwarts. It is safe to say that I am as much of a seer as Dumbledore was a muggle. Therefore, I found myself in no way capable of bringing shape to the feeling that took ahold of me, late afternoon of the 1st of May, 1998. All I know is that this sensation of dread imposed itself to me in the same way it had the day Ted died, last March, miles away from me, long before the news even got to me. I could explain it no more than I could ignore it. I felt it in my bowels: something was yet again about to threaten my broken family's fragile attempt at stability, putting me on edge for the remainder of the day.
I tried to reason with myself, or, to put it plainly, I buried my fears in lies I created to reassure myself until the sense of warning turned into unrefutable and real danger.
And it didn't miss.
The patronus came around 11 o'clock. I was in the kitchen, tidying up one last time before going to bed; baby Teddy Lupin was sleeping next door; Remus and Nymphadora were in the living room, tuning in to Potterwatch after having read about Potter’s sudden manifestation at Gringotts that morning. That's when I heard Kingsley Shacklebolt’s voice, coming from the living room. The lynx patronus faded just as I reached the couple near the fireplace.
"What's happening? What did he say?" I asked my daughter, who had an odd look on her face.
" He said we're fighting..." she answered, like she wasn't truly realizing what the words meant.
Before I could further interrogate, Remus managed to tune in to Potterwatch, and the sound of the young presentator’s booming voice filled the house: "...at Hogwarts, as we speak! I repeat, this is a call to arms! The Chosen One is at Hogwarts now, and he needs our help! This is the moment where we fight back! All volunteering wizards of age who would like to bring their assistance to our brothers and sisters at Hogwarts, assemble now at the Leaky Cauldron! Ladies and folks, we might finally be approaching the end of these dark times!"
We stared in silence at the small station as the message looped over and over again, for several minutes. Remus snapped out of it first. He leaped out of his recliner, wand in hand.
"I'm going."
"So am I," added Dora
Remus beat me to protesting.
"No."
"No?" she reiterated, her voice dangerously low. She followed him to the baby's room.
I kept a safe distance, giving them some privacy while paying close attention to what was being said through the ajar door.
"Dora, it's too dangerous..."
" I'm an auror, Remus, I'm the last person you should be addressing those words to."
" You don’t understand, you have to be with Teddy-"
"Mum can watch him just fine," she snapped. " I am not a housewife, Remus, I am a member of the Order of the Phoenix. How could I stay here when everyone else is fighting? Are you out of your mind? Our friends need me, the order needs me, the-"
" Teddy needs you," Remus interrupted, his tone urgent. " Look, what if something happens to me? You have to be around for our son. Do you understand?"
"But-"
"Dora, please."
She didn’t respond.
" I'll send a patronus when it's over. If you don't hear from me before tomorrow morning, well, things might not be going as planned. Goodbye Teddy, daddy will be home soon, hopefully."
I heard the sound of a kiss, then Remus emerged from the room. I escorted him to the door; Dora stayed with the baby. I tried to control my racing heart as he retrieved his coat. He then turned to face me.
"Andromeda..."
"Be careful," I reached for his right wrist, impulsively. " She's still grieving for her father, so you better not leave her too," I said, struggling to keep my voice even.
He rested his left hand on mine, looking me in the eyes.
"I won't if I can help it," he answered sincerely. I knew that was all he could promise, yet it was cruelly insufficient. I let go, and he left. The door shutting reverberated through the quiet house, with only the radio station still clamoring about. I went to turn it off and gathered the half-empty teacups that were lying around.
A few minutes later, Dora bolted from the bedroom, heading straight to the door.
"Where are you going?" I demanded.
She had changed from her bleak house dress into her signature excentric city clothes.
" Hogwarts. And don't try to stop me, it's a losing battle."
" Nymphadora, do you realize the risks you are running by going out there?"
I pinched the bridge of my nose. I just felt so tired of all the danger, lurking around every corner. Was my family really cursed to never live in peace? I felt so, so tired...
"I am an experienced auror and a member of the Order of the Pheonix," she clipped her words fiercely. " So yes, I am aware of the risks, given that it's literally my job. And I also am fully capable of looking after myself on the battlefield. I don't see why-"
" But this isn't about you, you see? Merlin, you're so selfish !" I snapped. " You're acting as selfishly, as inconsequently, as irresponsibly as a teenager!"
" I am not selfish and I am not a teenager," she growled. I had hit a weak spot. And me being who I am, I just had to push.
" Yes, you are. When you decided to get married to a werewolf over a decade older than you, I said nothing, because you are a grown woman and I hadn't any opinion to give you. And when you decided to have a baby in the middle of a war, while both you and your husband are deeply implicated in said war, I didn't find myself entitled to speak my mind either. But now you have to assume the consequences of your choices. You chose this situation, you are a mother now and you have responsabilities towards your child. You cannot walk away from him. Do you hear me? You can do whatever you want in your adult life but you have no right to leave him like this, knowing you might not come back."
I took a shaky breath, my entire body trembling from the intensity of my fury . My blood boiled hotter than a dragon's breath. In fact, I was the dragon, spitting all the fire I had been holding in for months, unafraid to burn even the ones I loved. Nymphadora held my gaze, her eyes ablaze, her hair vividly shifting to spiky formations, but the rest of her features made it clear that I had hurt her.
" You don’t understand, do you?" she finally said, her voice surprisingly toned down.
I had expected the usual turn our frequent arguments took. The passion and character of my rebel daughter had given me migraines more times than I can count in her youth. I had expected shouting, insults, tears even, but not this, this sudden vulnerability that, instead of showing weakness, showed determination, resolve.
" You never did quite understand me," she added bitterly. " Can't you see I'm doing all of this for him? I want my child to grow up without fear. I want him to be safe. I want him to have a bright future. That's why I have to go, I have to help, because if we don't win this, he won't have a future. And I believe we can win, but I would be dishonoring myself, my friends, my son and everything I stand for if I don't fight for what I believe. "
"But you have," I tried another tactic, adopting a soothing tone. She backed away when I reached for her. " You did your part, you did more than that, even. It's-"
" It's not enough! That was nothing."
" No, no, you helped save so many people, you-"
" I couldn't save dad!" she cracked. I froze."I couldn't save him, or the dozens of other people reported missing or murdered! All we have worked for wasn't enough then, but now, if we play it right, we can save everyone. If I don't show up now then it means nothing what I did before. I have to go, for dad and for Teddy."
Her humid eyes gleamed in the dim light of the fireplace as I stood speechless. She turned her back to me in a way that gave me the crushing feeling that I had lost this battle. But I couldn't let her go. Desperately, I called her.
" Dora, wait! Nymphadora, no, listen to me, you can't- Nymphadora Tonks don't you dare walk away from me!" My voice became shriller with every confident step she took towards the door. " Don't you dare! Don't you dare walk away from Teddy! Nymphadora-"
Clack went the door shutting behind her. I heard the cracking sound of Apparition. And then there was silence.
................
I stood in the middle of the living room for several seconds, my entire body frozen in shock, my heart so restless I felt like it was trying to escape my chest. I swallowed hard before sucking in a fragile, steadying breath, grasping my hands together to stop them from shaking, desperate to pull myself together. My mind felt empty, the surrounding calm that I used to cherish had become oppressive, suffocating, but I tried to ignore it, to remember how to think clearly.
I didn't know much about what was happening back where my daughter had just left to, and no way of getting information now that Potterwatch had been interrupted. All I could do was guess, until the next broadcast. And my guess was that, whatever was going down at Hogwarts was a dangerous gamble, and that, no matter the outcome, it would bear irremediable consequences to both sides. So, I shoved all of the somber worries and fears hovering in my mind, obstructing my judgement, in favor of practical thinking. How could I make myself useful? I couldn't fathom sitting around uselessly, at the full mercy of my deepest terrors.
After a moment of pacing, I went to my bookshelf and pulled a medical potions recipe book, having made a second guess to complete the first: there would be injured, probably deaths. I had no way of knowing the extent of the damage such a showdown would lead to, but I knew for a fact that it would not be pretty, it never had been and it never would be. Such is war. Therefore, exercising foresight, I decided to brew several batches of Skele-gro, Blood-replenishing, Wound-cleaning and Wiggenweld potions, along with a few Invigoration and Mandrake Restorative Draughts. I also went up to the bathroom to retrieve my small but precious stock of Dittany and Murtlap Essence . I established myself in the kitchen, displayed all the ingredients and ustensils needed, then got to work.
I didn't keep track of time, didn't let myself feel anything, not fear, not fatigue, not impatience. I concentrated all my nervous energy and will power into brewing these complicated potions correctly, batch after batch after batch...
Eventually, a fussy baby Teddy, upon his awakening, pulled me from my labour. I went to take him in my arms, soothing his nightly tantrum with gentle hushes. Only then did I glance at the clock above the fireplace. 1: 38 in the morning and no news at all. I stared glumly at the crackling fire, Teddy still squirming against my chest, the most hopefull part of me half-expecting someone, or even just a patronus, to appear through the flames. Finally, I opted to install Teddy's crib in the kitchen. I wanted to have him closer to me, his presence was, in its own way, a reassurance. I went back to work, after having checked the radio station one last time.
At a quarter to three, I heavily sat down in front of about two dozens of bottles of freshly brewed healing concoctions of all kinds. Teddy was sound asleep. I summoned the radio station and set it on the table among the flasks. I tried to tune in to Potterwatch, in vain. All of my suppressed exhaustion and stress escaped from me in one long, suffering sigh. I pressed my forehead in my palms, bitterly remembering the odd feeling of dread I had registered just a few hours earlier, utterly unaware of what was coming. And yet, even now, I felt, I knew, that the worst was yet to come. But acknowledging that certitude was unbearable to me, and in that moment, the only strength I had was for hope, and nothing more.