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Eren hates selling everything he makes of Levi.
He’s honestly not even sure why he does it. Well, money, obviously. Someone has to pay the bills, and the alternative would be to get a job, which would leave him with less time to focus on his art, and Eren would genuinely rather die.
An overdramatization, perhaps. But Eren doesn’t create only for the sake of creating; he creates because he must, because it is the only way he can keep the memory of his lover, of the one he so desperately fell in love with 2000 years ago in another life, the one who haunts his dreams and lingers when he’s awake. The one who slips through his fingers, whose memories always attempt to vanish from his thoughts, no matter how Eren desperately clings to them.
So he creates. He paints, he sculpts, he draws. Anything and everything that crosses his mind, before the memories slip through his mind and he forgets the details he so wishes he could hold onto. He must’ve created thousands of art pieces of Levi, between his sketches, his paintings, his sculptures. And yet, it can never be enough.
Armin thinks it’s feeding an unhealthy obsession. Mikasa thinks he should let go. But neither of them remember their past lives even though they allegedly believe him, and therefore, cannot possibly understand what it’s like.
Eren’s not sure anyone can, really. Through all his research, he hasn’t been able to find anyone who’s gone through his experience. Sure, other people have talked about past lives, he certainly isn’t the first one to mention such a concept, but it’s not quite like what he experiences. The fleeting memories coming disjointed and disordered, the moments of deja vus, the dread that fills his chest when he feels like he’s recalling something, but the images don’t come, not really.
He’s tried to find Levi, because if anyone could understand, it might be him. But, nothing. Mikasa isn’t related to him at all in this life and nothing ever comes up when he searches Levi Ackerman, as though the man never existed. It’s a slap to the face, one Eren frustrates himself with every single time he falls into a rabbit hole of research that doesn’t amount to anything.
Will he ever find him in this life? Or is Eren destined to be alone to atone for what he’s done in the last?
The truth is, he knows he doesn’t deserve Levi. Didn’t deserve Levi in the past, doesn’t deserve him now. But his selfishness makes him hope for more, makes him want something out of reach until he feels completely hollow from not getting what he wants.
In those times, he paints some more. Sculpts something new. Draws a memory. Always only of Levi. He never includes himself in what he creates, because he doesn’t think he deserves to.
Maybe, one day.
But that day is not today. He’s not sure his buyers would be that interested, either. Hell, he doesn’t even know why they’re interested in what he’s making to begin with. Of course, Levi is a beautiful, ethereal subject, but they don’t know that. They don’t know him. But maybe Eren’s love transcends the works, and that’s what they’re looking for. Eren doesn’t know. He doesn’t ask.
Of course, he creates more than just Levi, though anything he makes of him is what is always the most popular. Figures.
The exhibit is packed today. He steps away from his collection for a moment, leaving the main hall of the exhibition to get himself something to drink. One of the wines the art gallery offers, even if Eren hates wine. He needs something to take the edge away, something to drown his misery before it takes a stronger hold on him.
He absently looks at his phone, seeing a few messages from Mikasa asking how he’s doing. She knows he hates these exhibitions, hates parting with anything Levi related. If only he could bring himself to paint more of literally anything else, but he doesn’t have the time. Or the inclination, really.
He doesn’t reply to the texts, choosing to go back and finish the night after downing two of the champagne glasses, including the wine, he took from the waiter, heading back to his collection to find two familiar figures staring at one of his sculptures.
At first, he freezes. Even if he can only see them from the back, Eren knows who they are. He’d recognize Hanji’s hair anywhere, and the strange posture they often adopt. But most importantly, he’d recognize Levi’s back across time and space, he’d recognize his hair and his signature undercut, he’d recognize the way he stands.
How is Levi here? Is Eren hallucinating? No. If he was, he’d hallucinate Levi alone, not with Hanji. He hasn’t drank enough to hallucinate either, and this isn’t one of his many sleepless nights where he paints until he can’t see anymore.
Still, how?
“I told you it looks just like you!” Hanji aggressively whispers, nudging Levi. “It’s even the same height!”
“So?” Levi whispers right back, but loud enough for Eren to hear. “What the hell does that have to do with the face? It looks nothing like me.”
“Yes it does!” Hanji insists, tugging at his elbow. “You’re making the same face as we speak!”
“You’re stupid, I’m leaving,” Levi sighs, turning to leave but freezing in his tracks with his eyes meet Eren’s.
Pure silence falls. Eren’s breath is knocked out of his lungs, his heart stammers in his chest, and his hands are definitely trembling. Because even if he knew this was Levi even before he turned around, to be face to face is… something else entirely. He didn’t think he’d see those mercury pools again, the cute upward tilt of his nose or the sharp jawline Eren has pressed so many kisses to.
Eren is speechless. He doesn’t know what to think, what to do. Does Levi remember him? Does—
Hanji’s the first to break the silence with a dramatic gasp. “Are you the artist? Wow! Great work. Mind if I ask who your muse is?”
“Um…”
What is he supposed to say to that? Clearly Hanji doesn’t remember him, otherwise they’d know who he is and that the muse is standing right next to them. It must be like Mikasa and Armin, who don’t remember at all, even when Eren shared his memories with them.
But what about Levi?
Eren can’t find recognition in his eyes. Although there’s something in there, Eren’s not sure what.
“It’s… someone I knew,” Eren finally replies, his mouth feeling like cotton. The words that come out of him don’t even sound like his voice.
“Oh I see, I see,” Hanji nods, looking over to Levi who still hasn’t uttered a single word, and then back at the sculpture. “Quite a resemblance to our resident shorty.”
Oh. The trance is broken. Levi looks away from Eren to glare at Hanji.
“I mean, wow, uncanny!” Hanji continues. “Must’ve been a doppelgänger!”
Levi sighs, looking away from Hanji and back to Eren. The look in his eyes softens considerably, or maybe it's because Eren wants it to.
“You’re… very talented," he says, stiffly. "Excuse my friend. They don’t go out much.”
“Oi! Neither do you!” Hanji insists. “I want to buy something, what do you recommend, sir artiste?”
“Um…”
Is Hanji rich in this world? Because everything at this exhibit is pricey. Eren has no idea how to say that without sounding like he’s insinuating Hanji is poor.
“You’re not buying anything,” Levi snaps. “Where the hell would you even stick a sculpture? You have too much crap.”
“Aw but it looks like you,” Hanji teases, “I can stare at it when I’m lonely!”
“Ugh, no.”
Hanji pouts, but still turns to Eren and points at one of the paintings of Levi. “That one looks really sweet. What inspired it?”
The worst part is, Eren doesn’t even know. The memories are too fickle, too fleeting. He tries to create as much as he can while it’s clear in his mind, so he has a reminder when the memories are gone or feels too hazy for him to fully remember what happened.
“A dream,” Eren answers, cryptically. Though it’s the best answer he can offer.
This gets a quirk of a brow from Levi, who eyes him curiously and then the painting. “You have weird dreams.”
“Levi!” Hanji gasps and then laughs. “Sorry, he’s not socialized. You know what? I love the painting. I’ll take it! Must be rough parting with your creations. They look very…” Hanji trails off. “You create with such melancholy.”
“I think it’s love,” Levi mumbles quietly, his eyes on one of the paintings.
Oh.
But then Levi sighs, and adds, “What do I know? I don't know shit about art.”
“And yet,” Eren starts, a small smile on his lips. “You figured me out.”
Levi’s eyes are back on him once more, haunting and yet so closed off. What is he thinking about? What's on his mind?
Oh, how Eren wishes he could know.
But Levi says nothing, and once again stares at the painting quietly, contemplatively.
“You paint like a madman,” he murmurs, crossing his arms and curiously tilting his head to the side. Then: “Did you lose him?”
“Levi…” Hanji clears their throat.
Levi blinks, looking over. “Sorry. That’s personal.”
“It’s okay,” Eren assures. “I did.”
“I’m sorry,” Levi repeats, a deep frown on his face.
Hanji coughs. “Well I’ll… take the painting off your hands. I think it’s my favorite here.”
Levi looks like he wants to say more, staring at Eren with an unreadable look in his eyes. But he’s the first one to look away, the troubled look on his face remaining all the while Hanji rants about payment options, though Eren’s not the one who handles payment anyway.
One of the art gallery attendants must have overheard the conversation, and guides Hanji someplace more secluded to talk payments. They drag Levi along with them, and Eren wants to stop them. Wants to grab onto Levi, keep him close and search his eyes again for a sign, any sign that he isn’t the only one who remembers, the only one who’s holding onto a past he can never have again.
But Levi avoids his gaze, and he feels just as out of reach as he was when Eren didn’t have an inkling where Levi was, or if he had even joined him in this life.
What was Levi thinking, earlier? The troubled look in his eyes haunts Eren. Could he have remembered something?
But, wouldn’t he have stayed if he did?
Eren watches as Hanji discusses with the attendant, all the while Levi stares ahead, a frown on his face. Could it because of the paintings? The sculptures? Surely, seeing a mirror image of yourself must be strange. Could he be disturbed by it? God, Eren hopes not.
He wants to ask. He wants to march over to them, ask, plead, anything. Anything to continue this interaction, to get a few more moments with Levi. Because the moment he walks out of the art gallery, Eren will have no means of contacting him, no means of staying in touch. Not that there’s any reason why Levi would want that to begin with, Eren realizes.
And him?
Of course he wants to, but he remains frozen in place. Because although this is Levi, Eren comes to the striking realization that it isn’t his Levi. It’s a Levi who doesn’t know him, who has his own life, his own aspirations. Fuck, maybe he already has someone, too. And if Eren’s honest, he’s terrified to know. Terrified to reach out and face rejection, terrified to meet a Levi he himself doesn’t recognize beyond what he sees.
Because Mikasa is different than who she used to be. So is Armin. They’re still them, of course, but their circumstances in this life were so strikingly different to their lives 2000 years ago that it made them into different people. What if the same happened with Levi? Eren’s not sure he could handle it, looking into those mercury pools and not recognizing the man before him.
So he remains frozen, and watches as Hanji and Levi ultimately leave the exhibit, his mind screaming at him to move, to do something, anything. To chase after the man he once lost, the man who's been slipping through his fingers for so long.
But the fear haunts him, and in the end, he succumbs to it.
Regret grips him in the dead of night, when memories flood through his mind all disordered, broken, confusing. More so than usual. They leave him to ache, to so desperately miss Levi that he should’ve been brave, should have gone after the one he met, the one finally in his reach. Because any Levi is better than no Levi, and he should’ve known.
God, how could he have been so stupid? Eren nearly punches himself in retaliation, as if that would resolve anything other than give him an unexplained black eye. He cries in anger, body shaking as he clutches to his pillow with grief.
Maybe he can ask the art gallery attendant for Hanji’s information. They don’t usually share it, but, perhaps, they can make an exception. Eren will beg, if he has to. He will do anything to fix the mistake he’s made, to find the man he should have never let go.
He doesn’t sleep for the reminder of the night, painting the memories that haunt him, both of 2000 years ago and of last night, the troubled look in Levi’s eyes and the frown on his features. It does little to appease him, not like it normally does. In fact, it almost agitates him, reminds him of how stupid he’s been and plagues him with doubt about whether or not he’ll be able to see him again.
If the attendant doesn’t give him Hanji’s information…
No.
Eren can’t focus on that. So he focuses on the art instead, ignoring the tears that prickle at his eyes and the tightness in his chest. He looks at time every five minutes, counting the time until the gallery opens again so he can bolt there, and right the wrong he’s committed.
His heart is in his throat by the time 10:00 AM rolls around and it’s time for the gallery to open. He rushes there at an alarming pace, bolting inside the moments the doors are open. He goes straight to the administration, pleading his case and practically begging for information they refuse to release.
Strict buyer confidentiality, they claim. Which is bullshit, because Eren knows who bought from him. They heard Hanji talking it out with him. Not that it matters, because these people are assholes and don’t give a shit about people like him, the artists who keep them fed and line their pockets.
So Eren leaves the room with a bang after a screaming match, slamming the door behind him with such alarming force the glass almost breaks. He doesn’t give a shit, though, if anything, he wants to go back there and slam it some more until the glass door actually cracks open.
But before he can convince himself not to go back, his eyes meet a familiar figure standing in front of his collection, much like the night before.
Levi.
Levi is here, standing right in front of him.
Eren pinches himself this time, entirely convinced at first that he is hallucinating the man before him, staring ahead at the same sculpture from the night before. But this isn’t a dream, nor a hallucination. Levi is here, and Eren can’t believe it. Can’t believe his sheer luck. He won’t waste this opportunity this time, won’t waste another second.
So he makes his way to him, standing beside his long lost lover, taking him in for a moment before he dares to speak. He mulls over his words, thousands of possibilities crossing his mind until it goes blank, and the words that finally slip past his lips are:
“You came back.”
“Yes, I did.” Levi turns his head to meet Eren’s gaze, intense and searching. “I don’t know why,” he admits, the troubled look still persistent on his face as he turns his attention back to the sculpture. He gnaws at his lip, crossing his arms. The silence between them doesn’t last very long, though, Levi’s brows furrowing deeper. This time, he doesn’t look at Eren before he says, “that’s me, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Eren answers honestly. There’s no use hiding it. Maybe he should have, but… he can’t lie. Not to Levi. “I promise I’m not a stalker.”
Levi hums, noncommittal and absent, his eyes glued to the sculpture as if it has all the answers. “I know you’re not,” he says quietly, finally looking at Eren, “you don’t strike me as that kind of person. Still,” he gives Eren a skeptical look, “I’d rather think you’re a stalker who for some reason has a liking for my attributes than… well, the impossible.”
Yeah. Maybe that’d be easier. But the truth is far more cruel. The truth is that Eren has been alone, longing for his dead partner and drowning in memories that fade each time he tries to grasp onto them, and his art reflects that. The love. The pain. The melancholy. The yearning.
“I’m sorry,” Eren murmurs, though he’s not entirely sure what he’s sorry for.
“For creating? Don’t be,” Levi sighs, turning away from the sculpture. “You can’t help it. Probably why there’s so many.” There’s another drawn out pause, silence. Levi looks even more conflicted than before. “Are you afraid?”
“Of what?”
“You paint like you’re afraid,” Levi muses, “like you’ll forget. Do you? Forget him,” he nods his head at the sculpture, “or me, I suppose.”
“I do,” Eren replies, swallowing the lump in his throat. “It hurts every time.”
“I don’t understand any of this,” Levi admits quietly, his eyes shifting to Eren once more. The conflict is replaced with hurt and frustration. “I knew who you were before Hanji said that you were the artist, but it was gone in an instant. I don’t understand.”
Oh.
Oh.
“It started like this, for me too,” Eren tells him. He itches to move closer, wants almost desperately to take Levi’s hands into his own, to get any form of contact, any form of touch that will help ground him, help remind him that this is real, that Levi is right here, finally within reach, and he remembers. Not fully, not much, but enough. Enough that more will come through, that memories will start flooding back, sooner rather than later. Eren remembers all too well how it started.
He’d been in a museum during a school trip in the 10th grade, absently wandering the halls, bored out of his mind. Until his eyes landed on an artifact from 2000 years ago, a simple cup, but a cup that he knew was his. A gift, from Levi, in another life. Nothing came to mind right away, no images, no memories, but he knew. He knew that cup belonged to him, he knew he had been the one to chip it, too.
The memories came later, the next day. Haunting him when he closed his eyes, coming in like waves. Ebbing and flowing, never for long, but constant.
It’s when he started painting.
“More will come,” Eren continues. “You’ll see.”
“You want me to see?” Levi asks, his voice quiet. “You look fucking miserable and you want the same for me?” He turns to face Eren. “What is he to you? Me, what am I to you?”
“Everything.”
God, everything and more.
But Eren feels like he’s already said too much. Levi’s expression remains unchanged, betraying nothing of his actual thoughts. Still, his eyes express more, and in them, there’s the slightest bits of recognition. Or maybe that’s just what Eren wants to see.
“What do you want from me?” Levi asks with a small frown. “Because I may not know what any of this means, but what I do know is that I don’t want to be a stand-in for some ghost.”
“I know,” Eren replies. “I’d be happy with anything you’d be willing to give.”
“You confuse me,” Levi admits with a heavy sigh. “Everything in me is telling me I’m an idiot for coming here today, delusional even. But I…” he trails off, shaking his head. “I want to know you. I’m willing to give you that, to satisfy my own morbid curiosity.”
Eren smiles. “That’s enough for me.”
Is it really? No. But it can be enough. This is more than what Eren had thought he’d have in this lifetime.
Though it doesn’t look like Levi really believes him, judging from the skeptical look he throws Eren’s way. Still, a comfortable silence sets between them, Levi shifting his gaze back to the statue in front of him. A carbon copy of who he is, and yet… not. Eren is all too aware that although this is Levi, this is no longer the same Levi he knew, the one he shared so much with. This is a Levi who lived a whole life here, a life without him.
They exchange numbers before Levi leaves, their fingers brushing against each other when they exchange their phones. Eren feels electricity coursing through his veins at the simple touch, akin to feeling alive for the first time in… well, forever. Eren's always felt muted in this life, a shadow of who he once was. Is that about to change, now that he has Levi back in his life?
He supposes only time will tell.
A week passes, and neither of them have texted each other. Eren stares at Levi's contact number for hours on end sometimes, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a text that never comes, or for his fingers to finally type something that he'll send instead of deleting at the last second.
Eren doesn't remember being such a coward, and yet… this is how he acts. Terrified of sending one text, paralyzed at the thought of reaching out. Because, what if Levi changed his mind? What if Eren bothers him by texting him? What if Levi replies only reluctantly, out of a strange sense of obligation he might not want to shoulder? Worse, what if he doesn't reply at all?
But the truth is, Eren knows he has to do something. Because no new memories have come, and Levi's face is already starting to fade no matter how strongly he tries to hold onto it, no matter how much he stares at his paintings and his sculptures like his life depends on it. The longer he looks, the more they start to look wrong, like Eren's never managed to probably capture Levi's essence.
Eren needs to see him.
If only so he doesn't slip through his fingers.
So with a deep breath and a heavy heart, Eren types away and sends the text before he can delete it, again.
[Eren, 14:58]
hi levi, hope I'm not bothering you
[Eren, 14:59]
I was wondering if you were free for coffee today?
No response, at first. Which, Eren isn't surprised, it isn't like everyone is glued to their phones. It doesn't seem like Levi would be the type to be, either.
And yet, Eren stares at his screen, just in case. He barely blinks, and finally gasps when he sees the three tell-tale dots popping up on Levi's end.
He's replying.
He's replying.
[Levi, 15:08]
you're not bothering me
[Levi, 15:09]
I'm free today
Oh, thank god. Eren had mildly wondered if there was a possbility that Levi might've secretly blocked him, if he changed his mind and didn't want to deal with Eren after all.
He's so relieved he sags against the couch, closing his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts before he replies. He tries to calm his heart and the way it slams against his chest, loud and thundering.
But it's no use. His heart will never beat normally when he's talking to Levi. It never has.
[Eren, 15:13]
do you still prefer tea?
[Eren, 15:14]
we can do tea instead
Ugh, was that too weird? Maybe Eren should be pretending like he doesn't know this information…
[Levi, 15:14]
I'm okay with either, it doesn't have to be tea
[Levi, 15:16]
where do you want to meet?
Oh. Is Levi saying that only to be polite? Because Eren disinctively remembers Levi thinking coffee was too bitter when he first tried it, even if he grew accustomed to it in Marley. Still, Levi always favoured tea…
Is this Levi different? Is—
No.
It shouldn't matter. Eren is doing exactly what Levi didn't want him to do. Levi clearly told him he didn't want to be a stand-in for a ghost. Eren needs to stop comparing them. Now.
[Eren, 15:18]
there's a nice café next to the gallery?
[Eren, 15:18]
if that's not too far
[Levi, 15:19]
we can meet there then, are you free now?
[Eren, 15:20]
I am!
[Levi, 15:22]
great, so am I
[Levi, 15:23]
I'll see you there
[Eren, 15:24]
see you :)
Eren pockets his phone with excitement, rising from the couch and heading straight to his bedroom, where he changes into black jeans and a teal shirt that matches his eyes, hoping Levi will like the aesthetic. Honestly, he tries not to get his hopes up too much, but he still wants to appear… decent. He's always wanted to impress Levi, and that certainly hasn't changed.
With that in mind he walks to the café, heading inside to find Levi is already sitting there at a corner booth, coffee in front of him as he stares down at his phone, seemingly completely engrossed in it.
He doesn't even seem to notice Eren's here until Eren sits down in front of him with an apologetic smile on his lips.
"I'm sorry, did you wait long?" Eren asks, while Levi leaves his phone face up on the table. Eren tries not to look, but he notes a certain Petra keeps sending text after text, not that there's a preview for him to read.
Even if there was, he shouldn't be reading this. It's a private conversation on Levi's phone.
Still, Eren wonders, who the fuck is Petra?
Is it someone they both knew in their past life but Eren can't remember?
"Not at all," Levi offers him a somewhat tight smile, "I was… honestly glad to be out of the house. I came here earlier than I meant to. It's a nice café."
Good. So Eren chose well.
Levi continues. "I didn't know what you'd like so I only ordered one…" he slowly trails off, "sorry. I'm not good at this. I'm sorry I didn't text sooner, either. I really did mean to, I just…" he sighs, shaking his head, "I guess it doesn't matter. How are you?"
Eren smiles. He missed hearing Levi ramble, even if he can't remember the specifics of the rambles anymore, the memories too far away.
"I'm okay. Better now that I'm here." With you, Eren mentally adds, but he feels like it'd be too much to say.
Levi clears his throat, looking away from Eren. "I could order something for you, if you'd like. Any preferences?"
"I like mocha," Eren says. "With lots of chocolate."
"Okay… mocha with lots of chocolate it is," Levi finally cracks a smile as he stands. "I'm trusting you with my drink, keep it safe."
He steps away from the table, heading to the front. Thankfully it's not a very busy day, and Levi makes it back to the table in barely five minutes, setting a drink down in front of Eren.
"I'm surprised it took you this long to reach out," Levi remarks.
Oh.
Right.
Eren shrinks a little, shame blossoming in his chest. He tries not to grimace, yet he's sure that he does.
"I almost did. Every day," Eren admits. "I was being a coward."
Levi hums, quietly. "I think so was I. I wondered if I'd made the whole thing up in my head and…well, then you texted me."
"I'm sorry it took so long. I really wanted to," Eren says, "I just…" he sighs, shaking his head. "I was scared."
"Of what? That I'd ghost you?" Levi raises a brow. "I'm not that kind of person. Even if I hate someone."
"I know. I just…"
What if this all goes to shit? What if the love they shared doesn't transcend to this life? And if the memories no longer come…
Eren will have lost everything.
"I told you I wanted to know more," Levi cuts in, sitting up and leaning forward, "I feel like I've been walking through life like some…" he sighs, shrugging, "with my eyes closed, I suppose. The only time anything made sense was that day at the exhibition and… now. I want to know more. I feel… awake."
Oh?
"I thought you didn't understand," Eren notes. "You do now?"
"I do and I don't," Levi sighs frustratedly, "I have such moments of clarity, and then it's gone. I feel fucking insane, and I convince myself I imagined it but… I'm here now and I know I didn't imagine what I felt, those brief memories I had. But it slips away so quickly. Unless…" he looks down into his coffee, "I'm with you."
Oh.
"You feel the memories now?"
Levi falls silent for some time, his eyes glued to the cup. "Fragmented," he finally speaks, "and very random, but yes. I do. What about you? Any new exhibitions coming up from all the work you do?"
"No," Eren replies, a lump in his throat. "I haven't been able to hold onto anything since we met."
"And what about now?" Levi watches him carefully. "Do the memories feel… more solid to you as well being here?"
Eren shakes his head and sags in his seat. Why doesn't it feel more solid? Why is nothing coming to mind? Why is everything such a blur, more than it's ever been?
"Maybe I'm messing with your head," Levi mumbles slowly, "maybe I'm not at all what you expected and it's interfering. Or maybe you need time, I…" he sighs, "I'm sorry. I want to try something ridiculous. May I?"
Eren nods, straightening himself in his seat.
Levi sits up as well, his expression tense and twisted, yet unreadable to Eren. His eyes meet Eren's hesitantly before he reaches across the table and clasps his hand around Eren's, his fingers warm as they lace together.
Oh.
"I… figured," Levi starts, his voice scratchy and low, "I… maybe, touch… I don't know. It felt right."
Oh.
Eren's chest fills with warmth, unmistakable and so, so overwhelming. Only in the best of ways, of course. It feels so right that Eren doesn't realize that no memories come to mind, not even a sliver, not even a speck. Nothing floods his mind, nothing but overwhelming fondness and a need for more.
Levi's right. He feels awake, too, like he's finally risen from a slumber that followed him all his life.
"Thank you," Eren smiles, one he feels reaches his eyes, for once.
"I don't know if this will make a difference for the visions or memories, or whatever you want to call it. But," Levi looks down to their hands, "I thought doing this would feel right, and it does. I think… everything else might follow. This is uncharted territory." He squeezes Eren's hand gently. "But I'm patient."
"I'm not," Eren chuckles, the smile only growing on his lips.
"I know," Levi laughs quietly before he freezes and frowns. "I don't know how I know, but I do. Must be because of the memories. I can't see them right now, but… I can feel it."
"It often fades," Eren explains, regretably. "Until… until something new comes. It was mostly at night, for me. When my eyes were closed, right before I would fall asleep."
"I see." Levi falls silent, contemplatively staring down at their hands. "And you… like the memories? I imagine that you do, considering the art. Are all your memories of him? Me, I mean."
"Yes," Eren nods, absently brushing his thumb against Levi's hand. "It was all you. My L—"
No.
No, this Levi isn't his.
Did the Levi he knew even belong to him in the first place?
Eren clears his throat. "It was all you," he repeats, quieter this time.
If Levi notices the slip-up, he doesn't mention it. But he does squeeze Eren's hand. Maybe out of reassurance. Maybe out of pity.
Does it matter?
Eren just wants… this.
This intimacy, he thought he lost forever. This intimacy, he's forever craved.
Will there be more?
"Ever since I've met you," Levi starts, "that day at the exhibit… I think I've had memories," he pauses, "dreams, memories… whatever you want to call it. I don't know what any of it means. You seem to understand this more than I do."
Eren's not sure he actually does. He just has had more practice with it. Still, he remembers all the helpless nights, wondering what the images meant, and who could be the man who was haunting him. The name Levi didn't come until a year later, one night when Eren felt their lips touch for the first time, in a small tent by the sea.
"When it happens, you can call me," Eren suggests. "You can… tell me what you see. I can fill in the blanks."
Levi gives him a look, an indecipherable one, but… there's tinges of hope, Eren thinks. "I would…like that. I think that would've really helped me this past week… having someone to call."
Eren smiles. "We can do that, then. You can call me any time."
"Any time? What an offer," Levi cracks a smile. "It's only fair then that I offer to be… your reference. For your art."
"You don't have to do that," Eren says, perhaps a little too quickly. Levi raises a brow at that, and Eren swallows hard before he adds, "you seemed… uncomfortable, at the gallery. The first night."
The next morning too, as a matter of fact. Though, not quite as much as the night before.
"I wasn't… uncomfortable," Levi shrinks away and for a moment it looks like he might completely pull away, but he doesn't. "Lost, I guess would be a better way to describe it. I wasn't sure what to make of you or…what I'd learned. What I'm still learning. It scared me, it still does but…" he sighs, offering Eren a small smile, "it's not your fault. I think spending more time together might… help me unravel this."
"I want to help you," Eren says, gently squeezing Levi's hand. "There was no one to help me when the memories started. I felt so alone, wondering…" where you were. If you were here to begin with. "But you don't have to be alone. Because I'm here. You found me already."
Levi's cheeks gradually bloom into a bright red color. There's no mistaking the flush. Not in the bright lighting of the café illuminating Levi's face perfectly. "I should've reached out sooner," Levi murmurs, "I… felt alone. Cluttered. I'm sorry that I didn't."
Oh.
Of course.
God, Eren is so stupid. He should've known. He should've remembered how it feels like when the memories first start, should've realized what Levi was going through. But no, he was a fool, focused on his own fears and apprehension. He should've reached out sooner. It's on him, really.
Eren wants to wrap his arms around Levi and never let go. Apologize for his stupidity and beg for forgiveness.
But it'd be too soon, too forward, and there's technically a table standing between them, so he abstains, resisting the urge that overwhelms him.
"It's my fault," Eren insists. "I should've known better. I'm sorry. You don't have to be alone anymore. I promise."
Levi smiles in reponse, his smile sweet and inviting, even if Eren can still see hesitance in his eyes. Eren can't blame him; Levi doesn't truly know him, not yet. But he will. Because Eren intends on keeping that promise, no matter what.
And he does. In the next few weeks, Eren answers every call, every text, every instance Levi reaches out. He reaches out, too, and invites Levi to his studio, where he paints and sculpts him for hours on end. He learns that, in this life, Levi is an editor for a small publishing company, where they met Hanji, a writer he was assigned to in the first few weeks of starting out as an editor. He learns that Levi lives with Petra, his childhood friend, since college. At first, it was because neither could afford the rent on their own, and now, Levi says it's simply out of habit.
It certainly explains why Petra appears to always be texting him, not that Eren tries to look at Levi's phone when they're together. He just can't help where his gaze goes to when Levi's phone lights up, his chest tightening ever so slightly when he sees it's Petra.
It's petty jealousy, and he knows it. But he can't help it, because Petra got to grow up with Levi, got to see him every day for most of her life when Eren had to wait decades. It's not fair. He wishes he was Levi's childhood friend, that he was the one living with him and seeing him every day, sharing domesticity and intimacy he so craves.
But he knows not to show his greed, because he is thankful that he finally has Levi back. Even if it's not every day or every waking hour, he knows he finally has what he's been waiting for, what he's been longing for all those years. And for now, it's enough. It's more than enough, in fact. Eren doesn't even miss the memories that no longer come, because now, he has Levi in front of him, a Levi who's real and not a flicker that comes and goes in the dead of night.
His art is still full of love, full of yearning he now holds for the man he's found. But the melancholy no longer haunts his paintings, grief is no longer displayed on every sculpture he makes. His drawings are full of life, full of radiance and happiness he never got to display before.
Eren feels finally alive, like the missing piece he's always needed is finally here, making him feel whole and like himself again. Even Armin and Mikasa notice a change, though Eren isn't ready to tell them about Levi yet. Even if they don't remember and would have no reason to want to seek out Levi, Armin and Mikasa would definitely want to meet him, and it's too early for that. Eren doesn't want scare Levi or overwhelm him when it isn't necessary. Plus, honestly, Eren feels protective, and doesn't want to share the only joy he's managed to find in this life.
He wonders if Levi feels that way too. If it'd be too soon to ask. They've shared a few stolen moments, quiet touches and meaningful gazes that warmed Eren's heart, but nothing more than that. Nothing more than the touch of a hand, soft fingers lacing with his. Eren remembers those fingers feeling rough from the world they used to live in, and he marvels at how gentle, how soft Levi's touch now is in comparison.
This Levi didn't have to suffer the horrors he had to, in his previous life. Part of Eren feels terrible for bringing those memories back to him, memories Levi might've wanted never to resurface. Perhaps the memories would've come regardless of Levi meeting Eren, but… to call it a coincidence feels wrong. Eren likes to believe Levi's memories came so they could become closer, so Eren wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
But it's all speculation, nothing Eren can prove. The truth is, it doesn't matter the reason why, Eren is just happy to be able to share these moments with Levi, to regain what he thought he had lost forever.
Still, Eren doesn't overstep, doesn't cross boundaries Levi might not be ready to cross. He usually waits for Levi to be the one to reach out, invites him only when Levi already mentioned being available. What they have is too fresh, too fragile, and Eren doesn't want to disturb their unspoken agreement, the delicate peace they share.
So he patiently waits that night for Levi's call, though it doesn't come. Part of him worries and itches for his phone, wanting to call Levi just in case something is wrong, but… he knows his fears are baseless. There are days where Levi doesn't call, after all. He's often busy with work, staying long hours and sometimes even sleeping at the office. As an artist, Eren has the luxury of choosing his own hours and when he works, but he knows that as an office worker, Levi doesn't have this comfort.
It's fine. Eren can wait. He works on his latest painting, one of Levi sitting by the window and looking at the night sky, until his eyes refuse to stay open, and Eren drags himself back to his bedroom and drops on his bed, not even bothering to change or put his cover on.
He wakes up a few hours later, his throat dry and his eyes burning. He reaches for his phone to get the flashlight so he can find his water bottle, when he notices not one, not two, but three missed calls from Levi, and a text that says:
[Levi, 3:45]
call me
Fuck.
Eren's heart drops, and he immediately dials Levi's number, bringing his phone up to his ear. "Pick up, pick up, pick up…"
After a few seconds, the line opens and Eren breathes out a sound of relief, his heart stammering against his chest.
"Levi? Are you—"
"Hello?"
Oh.
This… is not Levi. A woman's voice answered the call, one Eren doesn't recognize. He swallows hard, various scenarios entering his mind. Is Levi at the hospital and his nurse picked up? Did something happen to him? Is Levi okay? Or is it even worse than what Eren is conjuring up in his mind, right now? Fuck, he—
"Hello?" The voice says, again, and Eren lets out a shaky breath. He can do this. He needs to know if Levi is okay.
"Hi. Um, who's this? Is Levi okay?"
"Levi's doing better now, I made him take some sedatives and he's finally sleeping."
Oh.
Okay.
So, not the hospital. Levi wasn't in some crazy accident and hanging on to dear life. Thank god. Eren can breathe. Still his throat constricts, his chest tightens, because what could've happened to Levi that require he take sedatives? Eren knew he had some on hand for particularly bad bouts of insomnia, but… Eren can't shake that there's something more. Something he should know, something he should do. He has half a mind to get out and go directly to Levi, even if that'd probably be crossing a line they haven't crossed, yet.
Can Levi ask this person if it'd be okay for him to? It must be Petra. Who else would have access to Levi in the middle of the night?
"Is this Petra?"
"Yes. This is Petra. Levi's girlfriend."
Levi's girlfriend.
Levi's girlfriend.
What?
What?
Eren blinks, stupidly frozen. He almost drops his phone, not believing a single word he's heard. Sure, he knew Levi and Petra were close, but, girlfriend? Levi never mentioned that. Would he not have? Well, he did talk about Petra. Multiple times. Did he think Eren should've assumed? But what about them? What about all the times Levi reached out to him, all the times they remained close, held hands, offering soothing touches?
Eren knows Levi. He wouldn't do that with just anyone. He was always very protective about his personal space, even disgusted when someone breached it.
Could it be that things are completely different now? Does this Levi casually touch the people around him like that, and it means nothing? Eren can't believe that. Refuses to, in fact. Refuses to believe that everything they shared thus far was a figment of his imagination, that Levi felt nothing for him.
But then, what? He has a girlfriend, too?
"Hello?" Petra says, when Eren has been suspiciously silent for too long.
"Yes. Sorry. Um… tell Levi I'm sorry I wasn't available to take his call. I'll… speak with him soon."
"Okay, I will! Have a good night, Eren!"
Oh.
She knows who he is?
Well… duh. She answered the call. His contact name must've been all bright and big on Levi's phone.
Part of Eren hates her kindness. Like she isn't threatened by him in the slightest. Like she knows who he is and never noticed Levi talking about him with affection or anything that might signal he ever had feelings for him.
Maybe because he doesn't.
Maybe because what they had remained in the past, and Eren was deluding himself thinking he could have that again in this life.
With a heavy heart, Eren hangs up and throws his phone at the wall, not even wincing when he hears the screen crack or the device fall to the ground with a loud crash. He doesn't care. Frankly, part of him hopes his phone is broken. Then he won't have to hear Petra's voice ever again, telling him words he wishes he never heard.
Levi's girlfriend.
As the shock starts to dissipate, Eren feels nothing but rage. He already hated Petra for getting to grow with Levi, for spending so much time with a man that used to be his, and now… Now, he has to live with the truth that what he wants, what he needs, he will never have. Because in this life, Levi isn't his, and probably never will be.
Can Eren even survive that?
[Levi, 10:27]
answer your goddamn phone
Eren stares at the text, crushing his phone with his hand. As it turns out, it didn't completely break when he threw it a few days ago, but the screen is definitely busted. Not that it matters.
Eren doesn't want to answer the phone.
Has he been avoiding Levi? Yes. Is he intending on stopping avoiding him? No. Eren isn't ready. He needs… time to process the fact that Levi has a girlfriend he conveniently never mentioned. And if Eren is honest, he's a little mad at him for it.
Alright, more than a little.
Because while they never explicitely told each other where their relationship was going and it was definitely a mistake on Eren's part for always just toeing over the line instead of directly telling Levi what he wanted; Eren would've expected Levi, who is in a relationship with Petra, to have known not to be so gentle and affectionate with him when he knew what they used to be to each other. When he knows he means everything to Eren.
Still, Eren knows he's acting stupid. He knows. Ghosting someone is petty as fuck and quite frankly, not his style. Or at least, not in this life. But part of him fears that if he lets Levi see his anger, his betrayal, his grief, then he'll lose him forever. And Eren isn't ready for that.
He never will be.
But it's getting harder and harder to ignore Levi's calls when they come through, like right now. Eren's phone is ringing with Levi's name and Eren's heart aches, part of him wanting to answer just to hear his voice.
But he has nothing good to say, so he doesn't. He lets the call go to voicemail and and stares at his one-sided conversation with Levi, watching the three dots pop up and go.
Until:
[Levi, 10:34]
suit yourself, I'm coming over
Shit.
Fuck.
No.
That's worse. Eren won't be able to hide anything from him then. Fuck. He has to stop this. Eren immediately calls Levi, not that Levi answers. Fuck.
Eren can't say shit, considering how much he's been avoiding him.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
He should leave.
Yeah.
Go to Mikasa's place for a few days. Camp out. Avoid his studio. Yeah.
Yeah.
He has to.
With that in mind he shoves some clothes in a random bag he finds under his bed, and rushes out the door. Though he barely gets to take two steps before he's faced with Levi, a familiar scowl on his face.
Fuck.
Eren shrinks. He hasn't seen that scowl in a very, very long time. Not once in this life, actually. Seeing it directed at him breaks his heart, though he supposes he deserves it. Still, it fucking hurts, and Eren's anger suddenly evaporates, making him feel so stupid and small.
"…Hi," he mumbles, swallowing hard.
"Hi?" Levi repeats, his scowl deepening. "That's all you have to say to me? So much for being there when I needed you," he scoffs.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Levi continues. "You told me I didn't have to go through this alone, you… you said that. So what the fuck happened to that? I've been calling you, I've been texting, and I know you see the damn texts. So… what the fuck, is that it, then? You have nothing more to say to me? What did I do?" The scowl has vanished from his face, replaced by something… colder. "Do I at least get to know that?"
God, Eren's throat feels so dry. He feels like the worst asshole in the world, like nothing in these past few days have been justified. With his anger having dissolved, Eren doesn't know what to fall back on, what to use as his armor. He feels so little, so foolish.
How could he have thought he could stay away from Levi? Levi, the love of his life. Levi, the one he's wanted for as long as he can remember. Levi, the one person he's been searching for his whole life.
And now, he's disappointed him. Worse, he's hurt him. It's clear as day on Levi's features that he's hurt.
Eren's an asshole. He deserves the scowl, the cold demeanor, the hard look in Levi's eyes. He deserves it all.
"I'm sorry," Eren lets out, "I was stupid. I was…"
Jealous? Angry? Heartbroken? Betrayed?
Does it even excuse what he did?
"That doesn't tell me why," Levi interjects, sighing frustratedly. "Why, Eren? Why the fuck did you ghost me? I thought… I fucking thought I imagined this whole goddamn thing. If Hanji hadn't been there the day I met you, I'd have thought I made that entire night up, too," Levi lets out, running a hand through his hair, exhaling harshly. "Where the fuck have you been, Eren? I thought you needed space for whatever reason and I tried to give that to you, but… christ, it's been days."
"I know. I'm sorry. I just. I need… time…"
"Time for what?"
"To get over you."
The words flow out before Eren can even think them through. They're stupid, stupid words, because no amount of time could ever possibly make Eren get over Levi. Years down the line and Eren would still love him, want him, need him. His love would never change. Never has, never will. It transcends time, transcends his lifetime. Eren loved Levi then, and he loves him now. Loves all of this new quirks, loves all the differences from the man he once knew. Because at the end of the day, it's still Levi, and he's still Eren.
And Eren will always love Levi, no matter what. No matter where. No matter when.
And now…
And now, Levi looks… offended. No, crestfallen. Confused. His eyes keep darting all over Eren's face, his lips parting as if to say something before shutting again firmly.
Until, finally: "I don't understand. Why…" he pauses, inhaling deeply, "why do you need to get over me?"
Eren frowns. Why? "Because you're with Petra."
The offended look returns. Silence falls and Levi's frown gets deeper and deeper. "Eren, what the fuck are you talking about? Petra's my roommate."
Huh?
"She said she was your girlfriend."
"I… .what? No she's—" Levi pauses, his face falling. "You… ghosted me for that? There was nothing going on between us, I've been…" he frowns, looking away, jaw tight. "She said she spoke to you. The night you didn't answer my call. You believed her?"
"Was I supposed to believe she lied?!"
Eren is so, so confused. Why would anyone lie about something like that?!
"I would've liked if you believed me over her," Levi shoots back bitterly. "Or at least done me the courtesy of asking me."
Eren shrinks.
Levi sighs. "No. Nothing's going on between her and I. I think she believes it will eventually, but it won't, because I've never once looked at her like that. We grew up together and our families got along well, that's it. She's not my girlfriend, never has been and… never will be."
"Oh."
Well, now Eren feels even more stupid. In his defense, he doesn't see why anyone would lie about something like that, to a stranger no less, but he disgresses. Her lie and her reasons why don't matter, not anymore. Though, they certainly make him feel like shit for believing it and distancing himself from Levi for absolutely nothing, absolutely no good reason at all. Not that any reason would've been good enough for Eren to take a step away from the man who's presence he always craves.
And yet…
Fuck, Eren's been so stupid.
"Yeah, oh." Levi crosses his arms, sighing heavily. "Why would you put yourself through this instead of just asking me? I thought we had reached a point where you'd be able to ask me. Did I hope for too much?"
"I was too mad," Eren admits. He at least owes Levi the truth. "I was too jealous. I… I couldn't think straight, anymore."
Levi falls silent for a moment. Eren shrinks even more.
And then Levi sighs, shaking his head. "She had no right telling you something like that. I should've said something to her earlier, I just… are you going somewhere?" He suddenly blurts out, his eyes glued to Eren's bag. "Are you leaving?"
Oh.
Right.
"I, um… I was. I was… running away," Eren confesses, and winces at Levi's dejected expression. "I'm sorry."
"You were just going to leave without a word?" Levi asks, frowning. "Are you still leaving?"
"No… It was just going to be for a few days anyway. So I could… clear my head."
"I see." Levi nods slowly, a conflicted look crossing his face. "I'm sorry I just… barged in over like this. I just," he sighs, "I was really worried after the last memory I had, the vision… whatever." He pauses, swallowing audibly. "You died, in it. You were dead, Eren, and I needed to hear your voice, some proof you were alive. I'm assuming that's the night Petra spoke to you?"
Oh.
Shit.
That's what happened that night?
Eren feels even shittier for not having been able to answer. Feels even worse for ignoring Levi when it's now clear he needed Eren the most.
"Oh, Levi…"
Levi says nothing. He continues to stare at Eren with an indecipherable, yet harsh look on his face before it crumbles into something close to relief. "There was a moment I couldn't tell which was real… those memories, or this life."
Eren can relate. Many times he's woken up confused, lost.
"I'm just…" Levi sighs. "I'm glad you're alive. I'm… really glad."
"Even if I'm a stupid asshole for ghosting you?"
Levi considers Eren's words for a moment before he nods. "You're a stupid asshole I don't want dead, so, yes… I'm glad. I… missed you."
Oh.
God, fuck. Eren loves him. Eren loves him so much. How did he even manage to stay away from him, even if only for a few days?
He's a fool. A goddamn fool.
"I missed you too," Eren tells him, his breath getting caught in his throat. "I want to take you in my arms and never let go."
"Oh." Levi clears his throat, looking down. His ears are suspiciously red. "Just say you want to hug…" he mumbles, meeting Eren's gaze with some struggle before he spreads his arms. "Come. The offer will expire in three seconds."
Eren can't help but smile. Oh, he's so, so fond. No one else could make his heart warm the way Levi does, no one could make his stomach flutter like this, either. Eren doesn't waste another second, he lunges forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Levi and burying his face in his neck, pulling him close and melting against him.
Levi tenses for only a moment before relaxing completely in Eren's hold. A soft, warm breath puffs against Eren's neck as Levi wraps his arms around Eren and squeezes him, tightly.
Finally, all feels right in the world.
Finally… Eren can breathe.
"You really scared me…" Levi mumbles, his voice muffled by Eren's shoulder. "Don't ever do that again."
"I won't," Eren promises, squeezing him tighter. "I promise."
"You better fucking not." Levi pulls back just enough to look at Eren's face. He still looks somewhat upset, but the harsh lines have faded from his face. "When I call you tonight, will you answer?"
"What if you don't have to call me?" Eren asks, voice low. Tentative. He watches as Levi tilts his head, his brows furrowed in confusion. "What if… you stayed here, tonight?"
"Oh." Levi's brows arch. Silence falls, Levi's contemplative eyes glued to Eren's chest. Finally, he nods slowly. "I'd…like that. Not really sure I want to go back home today anyway."
Right. Eren assumes he'll need to have a talk with Petra about… well, her lies. Or rather, her assumptions. Part of Eren can't even fault her, because he made that assumption too, about him and Levi. Not that he would've gone as far as telling someone they were dating, but… wasn't it going in that direction? Isn't it, now?
Perhaps it'd be better to put all cards on the table, to the tell truth that hasn't been spoken, hasn't been explicitly told.
"I want to be with you, Levi," Eren declares, teal eyes staring ahead, determined. "It doesn't have to be now, I don't mind waiting for as long as you'd need me to, but… I want to be with you. In this life. In the next. In all of them."
Levi falls silent once again, his eyes falling between them. At least he doesn't immediately say no or push away from Eren. His gentle hands even absently stroke at Eren's shirt, but…
Eren can feel some hesitance. Not that Eren blames him, not after the stunt the just pulled. But then:
"I…" Levi finally speaks up, "I had a feeling. I didn't know anything for certain, but I had a feeling it'd go down… that road. I wanted the same," his eyes dart up suddenly, "I want the same. But I've been afraid… that you're only interested because you're being guided by memories."
"I'm not," Eren assures, gently taking Levi's hands into his own and holding them to his chest. "I haven't had any new memories. And I can barely hold on to what I do remember. It keeps fading, slips through my fingers. What I feel is for you. I want new memories, new moments, new… everything. I want to make this life our own. I spent… so many years loving a ghost. But now… the man I want is standing right in front of me."
A telltale flush begins to blossom from Levi's neck to his face. Words aren't necessarily needed to tell Eren that what he said was well taken, but the ghost of a smile lifting Levi's lips certainly speaks for itself.
"When did you get so poetic?" Levi mumbles, looking down at their hands. "I… want new memories too. I don't want to be haunted by your death or words spoken in another life. I want this one. Not a forgotten life, with horrors I don't even want to remember…" he slowly trails off, his eyes lifting to meet Eren's, "do you love me, Eren? Me?"
"I do," Eren smiles, bringing Levi's hands to his lips, leaving a gentle kiss to his knuckles. "I know it's soon, but… I do. I love you, Levi. I always have. And I always will."
The flush to Levi's cheeks only intensifies and he quickly averts his gaze. Silence settles over them, though neither tense nor heavy.
"From the beginning…" Levi starts, "I… could see myself falling for you," Levi says, though his voice is quiet and strained. "I just… knew. After that first night we met, I told myself I was being a fool and I should stay away, but… I clearly didn't. I can't, anymore. I want more of this, more of us."
Eren smiles all the more, his eyes shining with affection for the man standing in front of him, for the man who holds his heart in his hands.
"You can have anything you like," Eren tells him. Assures him, almost. "Anything," he adds, kissing his knuckles once more.
"Don't ever ghost me again," Levi smiles the slightest, "but I'd… like a kiss, too. A real one."
Eren grins. "A real one, huh?" he teases; he can't help it. He cups Levi's face, leaning down, leaning close. Their breaths mingle, lips ghosting over each other's before Eren closes the distance and claims Levi's mouth with his own, his lips warm and soft and so, so inviting. Levi's hands rest on his own, inching closer. The kiss is short and sweet, gentle and soft; a smile lingers on Eren's lips when he pulls away. "Something like this?" he says, his tone warm.
"Yes," Levi murmurs, his eyes glazed as they meet Eren's. Words don't have to be spoken. Levi closes the distance between them once more, the kiss needier and deeper than the last, but it never wavers from loving and sweet. When he breaks away, his face is brighter than before and his lips tinted red.
"I love you, Eren," he says, a gentle smile on his lips.
Eren smiles, too. "I love you, Levi."
And I always will.