Chapter Text
There wasn’t supposed to be anything special about this island, really. They were just supposed to recoup, restock and of course refill the log pose. A calm autumn island with a plentiful harbour and a couple of villages, neutral townsfolk without any troublesome crooks or navies. It was all pirates like them could ask for. So, really, what was all this commotion about?
Sanji was a couple of flicks into attempting to light his cigarette as he heard, what must’ve been Usopp, raise high hell at something, shrieking and squawking loud enough for the people past the harbour to hear him. He looked to where it came, seeing that the crew had gathered to form a half moon around something.
As the cigarette caught spark he made his way over, squeezing in past Luffy and Chopper to see what they were all gawking at, surprised to see the crew's first mate and navigator standing in the spotlight. Usopp extended an accusing finger at the duo, disbelief on his face, “YOU’RE ACTUALLY MARRIED?????”
”MARRIED?!” Sanji dumbly parroted as the words reached his frontal cortex, newly lit cigarette dropping soundlessly to the ground where it hung from his slackmouth jaw.
”It’s for convenience!” Zoro told them irritably— and unconvincingly,— rubbing his scalp as he avoided their gazes like the plague.
”…What convenience?!!?!?” Usopp considered quickly before he squealed back, Chopper pointing a hoof towards them as he mirrored Usopp’s stance, to show his agreement with bravado.
It seemed Zoro wasn’t quite prepared for that question. The corners of his eye crinkled slightly as his eyebrows tightened, wearing quite possibly the dumbest expression they’d ever seen on the swordsman— and there were a few good ones to compete with. His head darted helplessly between his ogling crew and their avoidant navigator with desperation.
Nami didn’t humor him, didn’t even meet his gaze as she with wonder followed the lines of their Jolly Roger in her mind. Zoro looked like he’d much rather switch to their side, practically rubbing their chins in a joint motion, but ultimately manned up and forced out an answer. ”…tax cuts?”
There was a beat of silence, and then another, as seemingly even the wind had stopped its gentle dance to gawk at him for his answer. With how the two had waltzed onboard with such nonchalance you’d at least hope they could answer such a simple question, not to mention the countless others that had been thrown their way, such as are you having a stroke and are you fucking kidding-
But the silence was broken, eventually. Robin struggled to stifle a laugh, eyes forming into crests as she giggled gently into her hand. This was all it took for some of them to be brought back from this trance-like state Zoro’s tomfoolery had put them in, the man in question not trying to hide the breath he was choking back. And with that someone spoke up, loudly.
”WE’RE PIRATES WE DON’T PAY TAXES!!!!!” Sanji was the one to say what they were all thinking. During the whole ordeal he’d been uncharacteristically quiet from where he stood, clutching his pearls like an upper class mother as he shook like a leaf, but now seemed more like his usual self.
“What’s taxes?” It was the captain's turn now to throw his two cents into the pot of dumbassery, seemingly not grasping any of the crew's line of thought as he picked his nose absentmindedly. His question went unanswered, of course, in favour of trying to not sweep this whole ‘married on a whim’ thing under the rug.
Because really, there were no two people as unfit for each other as Zoro and Nami. A proud and tranquil swordsman, and a mischievous, money grubbing thief, who on Monday indebts the other for shits and giggles and on Friday blackmails him into hard labour.
“W-Well I think-!” Chopper nervously tried, hoofs clacking against each other from where they were being rubbed hesitantly, when a gut wrenching scream abruptly cut his sentence short.
"WHY HIM?” Sanji howled, falling to his knees in Shakespearean level despair as tears streamed down his face. He doubled over, pounding his fist into the wooden deck as he let his hair fall sloppily down his face.
You could tell it was getting to Nami, who couldn’t help but furrow her brows in annoyance, her cover of nonchalance being chipped away with every dramatic wail and whimper from the pathetic cook. Zoro wasn’t much better off, not trying to hide the ire from where it festered behind his eye. He clicked his tongue and tapped his foot impatiently, the wish for a bottleneck so clear on his mind you almost felt bad for him.
“Jeez, what’s the big deal?!” Nami finally outbursts. Her soothing voice— if you could ever call it that— seemed to calm the cook somewhat as he switched over to light snivelling, and without the deafening distraction, Usopp could finally utter the question that had lingered on his mind.
“How come you agreed to this, Zoro?” It was a good question. Zoro gained nothing from being married to Nami, at least not in any way she would ever agree on, so how did this happen? Even Sanji perked his ears.
“She begged me for a lavender marriage, why would I say no?” He crossed his arms as he answered. It felt almost knightly, coming from him, which all the more fueled the pity that swivelled in Usopp’s gut. Like watching the starving man give his last loaf of bread to the glutton.
Sanji certainly didn’t feel that way. You could see the gears turning in his head as his eyes rounded, it now being his turn to point the accusing finger as he pointed at Zoro, unapologetically yelling, "YOU'RE GAY?”
Zoro just looked at him like he was dumb for not noticing sooner. But then something dawned on him, something much bigger, and much more urgent. His finger darted towards Nami,“YOU’RE GAY?”
“What’s gay?” Luffy was not graced with a response.
Nami stuck her nose high as she turned to avoid the sight that had become of their revered Mr. Prince, missing how he instead flopped to his back, thrashing wildly as he started to wail hysterically again. It was a sight not too far removed from that of a toddler throwing a tantrum in the middle of a Walmart aisle.
“Am I gay?” Luffy dumbly pointed a finger at himself, and finally someone took him with enough grace to lend him an answer. And unfortunately for Usopp, he was the only one who considered it.
”… Buddy, I don’t know.” Usopp sighed exasperatedly, laying a defeated hand on his shoulder.
From there on anything that could potentially be seen as legible got tossed to the bottom of the sea, as between pathetic man-wailing and increasingly absurd questions they spiraled into chaos. The newlyweds took it with stride, ignoring every last one of them, face buried in their hands. Even the birds stopped to laugh at the mayhem.
But then finally, a loud voice managed to pierce through it, quieting the crew as she clenched her fists harshly. Nami’s patience had worn thin.
“Seriously, what's the big deal?! Nami exclaimed, pushing a couple of stray hairs out of her face before massaging gently at her temples, “It’s not like we’ll be tonguing and sucking on each other all of a sudden! Nothing's changed!”
“Ah!” Sanji tensed his body like he’d been shot, turning his head in a dramatic fashion as he hid his tears behind a dainty hand, “I can’t hear any more!”
“Me neither, what the hell?” Zoro grunted, in a much more uncivilised manner, throwing her a dirty look as an uncomfortable shiver ran down his spine.
Nami suddenly huffed in disbelief, for the first time since they arrived turning to her husband to childishly argue, “Fat chance you ever get to touch me on the lips!”
“Congratulations are in order, I suppose?” Robin cut between the squabble that was sure to escalate, smiling gently, even as her eyes glinted with something curious. Both Usopp and Chopper, albeit reluctantly, managed to murmur something close to a congrats, Sanji finally letting up his pestering, seemingly at the prospect of this other, beautiful lady onboard he could fawn endlessly over.
“I say we hold a celebratory feast!” The captain announced, not a bone in his body trying to hide the fact he was simply taking advantage of the situation. But as the crew agreed, enthusiasm practically radiating off of them as they excitedly planned for the dinner, Sanji couldn’t possibly stop them now.
”Hey, I’m the one pickin’ what’s on the menu!” He tried to sound proper from where he trailed behind them, but when Usopp, Luffy and Chopper started an impromptu conga line, there was no way to hold back the gentle grin that bloomed across his face. And so he watched, how they chirped animatedly towards each other, laughed and gleamed with excitement.
”How cruel…” He whispered.
“Since we’re supposed to be celebrating Nami… and him, maybe I’ll make some recipes I got from Cocoyashi Village…” The cook mumbles mindlessly as he starts pulling anything especially eye catching into his arms, hands working quickly and effectively as he hauls his findings to the counter.
Sanji was back in his element, taking inventory of the pantry as he planned for the evening. They had ordered a celebratory feast, and a feast is what they’d get. He’d acquired a good amount of produce through the town market, and even some kind of local-grain flour, so he was sure this dinner would be one worthy of celebration, even if the occasion wasn’t. But it was a problem that this had come in with such short notice, cutting the available recipes nearly in half as he fought against the clock. And alongside it came something else too, a gnawing feeling he couldn’t shake.
He calculated the time a loaf of bread would need to rise as he pulled the jar of sourdough yeast he carefully maintained out of the cupboard, a heavy sack of flour swung over his shoulder. He was scribbling wildly into his notepad to keep track of everything, noting that after combining the dough, he would quickly have to get started on the ginger beer and tangerine braised ham to be able to finish in time for dinner. He leaves to unload before returning to the pantry, eyes landing on a bag of rice he’d gotten for especially cheap.
“Heh, maybe I’ll force him to only eat rice balls… he must be tired of them, it’ll be perfect…” The words fell from his lips between half finished mumbles and whispers as he grinned evilly. He huffed in self satisfaction at the thought, jotting it down amongst the list of dishes. “That’s what he gets for sweeping Nami-san away from me…”
He heard the words fall from his lips, and his hand faltered as he considered them. What was this uncomfortable, creeping feeling that kissed at his neck? That licked along where shoulder meets throat as if it knew something he didn’t, mocking him as his hairs stood on end.
He sighs deliriously. His little display from earlier must’ve tired him, he rationalized, and so he brushed it off, even as it hugs around his torso and squeezes.
”The mosshead is still going to need a good amount of protein… a filling maybe?” Sanji opened the refrigerator with a sigh, somewhat thankful for the cold air as his body acclimated to it, pulling out various cuts of pork and a butchered chicken as he considered his options.
”Tuna…?” He trails off as his mind no longer bothered with anything that wasn’t related to his dinner, allowing a gentle normalcy to fall over the kitchen.
Meticulous fingers gently led the moulted goose feather into its vat of ink before the navigator could deflate with relief. She looked proudly at her newest map as she readied it to dry, missing the careful clacking of a heel behind her.
Nami pulled the fresh map carefully from her desk and strung it on a line amongst her other, less finished works, before happily humming to herself. She turned to clean up her desk and jumped as a figure sat loomingly in her chair, head carried by the palm of her hand. Robin cocked her head, ”So… why the whole marriage thing?”
The question earned her an unfiltered snort, Nami moving past her to organise the various tools and maps she’d utilized, ”Made a bet with some assholes at the casino. That idiot really is too kind for his own good sometimes.”
Robin continued to observe her as if she noticed the guilt tugging slightly on her movements. She allowed the navigator to sort her things in silence, following her observantly until she with a heavy sigh continued, ”…I guess I’ll toss him some of the winnings.”
”At least half, no?” Robin grins, and Nami matches her with a laugh, ”What’s his is mine, and what’s mine is his, the saying goes, right?”
”Hah! Not even a woman could take half of my money!”