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Heated voices from the living room made both Jackie and Shane alert. All those years and leaving Hayden and Ilya in one room together was still basically impossible.
Shane sighed and Jackie rolled her eyes. Whoever of the two men had started it, their partners were once again those to end it.
They had been in the kitchen, Jackie showing Shane how to prepare his favourite cake she made so that Shane would be able to make it himself.
Shane expected to see Ilya’s angry face glaring at Hayden, but actually it was the other way around. Ilya actually looked a little… helpless.
“I did not want to start argument.” He said, voice louder than usual, but genuinely clueless why this conversation had escalated so much. “You took it wrong what I said…”
Hayden threw his hands in the air. “Oh, so now it’s my fault that you can’t express yourself properly?!”
“Hayden!” Jackie let out in shock, a little at loss of words, hearing Hayden so out of it, throwing around unfair insults.
“No, is okay.” Ilya got up, now taller than Hayden. “I am sorry I was born in Russia.” Ilya sounded angry and he probably fooled Hayden with it. However, Shane heard the bitter undertone in his husband’s voice and knew immediately how hurt Ilya was. He knew how much Ilya sometimes wished he wasn’t born in Russia. How much happier Ilya thought he could have been if he hadn’t been born in Russia.
Ilya left the room. He had no idea where to go, this wasn’t his house. So eventually he just sat down on the stairs in the hallway, out of sight of everybody who was in the living room.
He sighed, felt his heart pounding wildly in his chest and his hands trembling. He had no idea what he was supposed to do with Hayden. That man hated him whole heartedly and as much as Ilya always used to say other people’s opinions weren’t his problem… this was. Because Hayden was Shane’s best friend. What if Hayden’s hate would somehow influence Shane? What if Shane… would see Hayden was right and devorce him? Maybe not immediately, but eventually.
Tears burned behind Ilya’s eyes. He had never intended to argue. Actually, most times he didn’t intend to argue. Sometimes he got angry in the process of arguing with Hayden, but today he was so so tired of it. Tired of being unable to say literally anything without Hayden finding a way to turn it against him. And no, Ilya wasn’t perfect. He knew that. In the beginning he had provoked Hayden on purpose many, many times. But since Shane and him were married he REALLY tried to get along with Hayden. Hayden didn’t make it easy for him, though.
‘You should be used to it.’ A tiny voice in his head told him. ‘Not being liked might just be your destiny.’
Ilya swallowed. Yeah. Maybe that voice was right, after all. Maybe solitude was his destiny. Maybe eventually Shane would realize Ilya isn’t the kind of man to love. It might just be a matter of time until Ilya is left with… nobody.
“Hey…” A soft voice startled him. He hadn’t noticed Shane stepping into the hallway. Ilya immediately wiped the tears on his cheeks away, but it was too late. Shane had seen them. And Shane also saw the sad expression and the shimmer in Ilya’s eyes.
“I did not want to argue.” Ilya whispered. “Please believe me.”
Shane took a few steps until he was one step higher than Ilya. Then he sat down, legs spread so Ilya was sitting between them. “I do.” He whispered.
Immediately Ilya’s anxious heartbeat slowed down a little.
“I can see you’re doing your best with him.” Shane continued. “And I also see – despite him being my best friend – that his behaviour is unfair.”
Ilya exhaled shakily and leaned back against Shane who wrapped his arms around the man’s torso. Shane was on his side… What a relief… Still the sadness didn’t fade. The feeling of doing nothing right didn’t fade. The fear of Shane turning against him suffocated him slowly. No matter the fact that Shane was currently here with him.
“Should we go home?” Shane’s voice was right next to Ilya’s ear now. And Ilya wanted nothing more than to go home, leave this situation and be alone with Shane. Only there was he truly safe. But then again…
“No.” He said. “We didn’t even eat cake.”
“That…” Shane smiled. “Is not important at all.”
“You looked forward to today.”
Shane kissed the top of Ilya’s head. “I looked forward to spending a lovely afternoon with the man I love and my friends. That didn’t include my friend being a total prick.”
“I don’t want to ruin your day.”
Shane pulled away and instead sat down next to Ilya. “Look at me.” He said softly, waiting for Ilya to turn his head, looking at Shane with sad eyes. “The day was ruined, not by you, but by Hayden.” He said.
“And honestly, I am kinda mad at him for that. I don’t really feel like eating cake anymore, but also…” He placed his hands on Ilya’s cheeks. “And that is the most important part: My husband needs me now.”
Ilya inhaled a trembling breath and another tear soaked out of the corner of his eye.
“I want to go home.” He eventually admitted, voice quiet.
Shane nodded and got up, offering Ilya his hand to pull him up. He knew his husband could get up by himself, but he was delighted that Ilya accepted the gesture.
He wiped the tears away, blinked a few times and put on a forced smile when they stepped into the living room. He wouldn’t give Hayden the triumph of seeing him so emotional.
“We’re leaving.” Shane announced and Ilya was a little delighted by Hayden’s shocked face.
“For real?” The man asked in shock while Jackie just smiled sympathetically at Ilya. Out of this couple she was definitely the one with much more emotional intelligence.
“Yes, Hayden, for real.” Shane said, grabbing Ilya’s hand. “Next time try to be a little less of a dick. Maybe we’ll stay then.”
Jackie gave Hayden a look that was unmistakably a ‘You had it coming’ which showed Shane and Ilya that Jackie wasn’t overly happy about Hayden’s behaviour today, either.
While Jackie hugged both Shane and Ilya Hayden stayed where he was and just called a goodbye after them when they were already more or less through the door.
The drive home was quiet. Ilya sat in the passenger seat of Shane’s boring car – that Ilya grew to like quite a lot – and stared out the window.
Shane had just turned down his best friend for him. Had left before they had even been able to actually get comfortable there for Ilya’s well-being.
He had actively called his best friend out for being a prick, angry at him for hurting his husband’s feelings.
All these thoughts rushing through his mind made him tear up once again. How did he even deserve a man like Shane by his side?
The answer was easy: He probably didn’t. But there he was, sitting right next to him, the most amazing, loving, kindest, good looking man Ilya had ever seen. And he was in love with him…? It didn’t make sense to the Russian, but oh was he glad that it was like this.
And yet there was still the fear that Shane would eventually get tired of him and all his problems, go look for somebody who was easier to love. Somebody Hayden would approve of.
Shane said nothing the whole drive. He rested his hand soothingly on Ilya’s thigh the first time he heard a quiet sob come from the man who sternly stared out the window. But he wanted to get them home first, before he turned all his attention to Ilya.
Ilya just kicked his shoes off his feet and walked off to the living room, sinking down on the couch.
Shane put Ilya’s shoes away neatly, then his own and also hung his jacket on a wire, before he followed Ilya. And his heart ached for the man he saw there, miserably leaned forward, face buried in his hands, shoulders trembling slightly.
If only Ilya would see himself the way Shane saw him.
With Anya right to his feet Shane walked over to Ilya and sat down on the couch next to him.
“Do you… want to talk about it?” He asked, smiling at Anya who lied down right on Ilya’s feet. And even though his husband was silently sobbing into his hands, Shane knew a small smile would appear on his face at that. Ilya loved that dog to death, and she was definitely the best thing that happened to him. To them. Because by now Shane loved her just the same.
As answer to Shane’s question Ilya shook his head. Shane sighed. “Okay. But look at me.” He said softly and waited patiently for Ilya to raise his head until his tear strained face came into Shane’s view. His heart sank at how unwell, sad and tensed Ilya looked.
“Okay, good. Thank you.” He smiled at Ilya encouragingly, raised a hand and stroked his fingers soothingly over Ilya’s jaw. “Now unclench your jaw. Can you do that for me?”
Ilya sniffed once, but Shane saw his jaw relax and knew Ilya stopped pressing his teeth together.
“Good boy.” He whispered, stroking softly over Ilya’s cheek, his thumb grazing the mole he loved so much.
He then took both Ilya’s hands into his. “It’s okay. You are not alone. Anya is here. I am here. I am not going anywhere.” Shane said in serious tone, knowing that sometimes Ilya needed this reassurance.
After all this time of living with Ilya and his depression Shane knew a lot about his husband’s worries and how to deal with moments like these. And soon Ilya’s hands stopped trembling, and no more tears ran down his cheeks.
“That’s it.” Shane whispered who had by now wrapped both arms around Ilya. “That’s it. Deep breaths. Relax. You’re safe. And it is okay. Whatever you feel…. It is okay.”
“I don’t deserve you.” Ilya finally spoke, voice broken from crying.
Shane shook his head immediately. “Stop. You do.” He said, looking firmly into Ilya’s eyes. “Nobody does BUT you.”
“You could find better.”
“Ilya…” Shane smiled sadly. “I wish you could see how amazing you are. There is nothing better. Nobody who could ever be better for me than you.”
“I’m complicated. Moody. Not easy to love.”
“Moya Lyubov…” Shane whispered, heart jumping at the smile appearing on Ilya’s face. This always worked. Shane using Ilya’s native language to call him sweet names or tell him he loves him always made him smile at least a little bit.
“It is very easy for me to love you, Ilya. It has been the easiest thing to do in my whole life.”
“But…”
Shane shook his head, Ilya fell silent.
“Falling in love with you was like coming home.” He continued. “Nobody understands me the way you do. Nobody sees me the way you do.”
Now Shane laughed, desperately wanting to loosen the tension in the air. “Come on, Ilya. You let me fold my clothes before sex and never judged for one second.”
Ilya laughed, too. Weakly, but genuinely. “Is sweet. I like that.”
Shane smiled but said nothing. Instead, he got up, grabbed Ilya’s hand and pulled him with him to the bedroom. He pulled his shirt over his head and took off his jeans.
Ilya watched curiously. “What is your plan?” He asked, eyes wandering over Shane’s body, because he was just so breathtakingly beautiful.
Shane smiled at Ilya. “We are going to cuddle. I am going to suffocate you with my love until you aren’t able to doubt anymore.” He decided and in just his briefs crawled into bed.
Ilya smiled, took off the same amount of clothing and slid under the blanket as well, immediately snuggling up to Shane. The feeling of skin on skin did something to Ilya. It calmed him down immediately, soothed him into relaxation and made it so clear to him that Shane was here with him, here for him and not going anywhere. And suddenly… he needed to feel even more of this.
He rolled onto his side, playfully pulling down the waistband of Shane’s briefs under the blanket.
Shane raised an eyebrow. “You want those off?”
Eagerly Ilya nodded. “No sex. Just cuddling.” He cleared up. “But want to feel more skin on mine.”
While Shane took off his briefs Ilya took off his own as well. And without any disturbing fabric between them they snuggled up again.
Ilya sighed contently. His hand gently ran up and down Shane’s side where he felt soft goosebumps built under his fingers.
Meanwhile Shane’s hand was busy stroking through the soft hair on Ilya’s chest. He loved playing with Ilya’s chest hair and treasure trail. It was so hot and manly and definitely one of Shane’s weaknesses on Ilya’s body.
Ilya flinched, his hand tightening on Shane’s waist, when he felt a gentle yet slightly painful tug on his chest hair and when he looked at Shane he saw the man very concentrated while carefully, playfully pulling Ilya’s chest hair, careful not to pull too hard.
Ilya laughed. “You have fun?”
Shane grinned up at him and nodded.
Ilya had no idea what to say, but his body was flooded with a wave of unconditional love and Ilya pulled Shane even closer, pressing his lips onto the other ones.
Happily, Shane leaned into the kiss, left Ilya’s chest alone and cupped his cheek instead.
Ilya’s hand still ran gently over Shane’s side, before moving further to his tummy that was the perfect amount of muscular. Ilya was more muscular than Shane, but to Ilya Shane was absolutely perfect.
“Love touching you.” Ilya whispered against Shane’s lips and the other one just let out a sound of approval that almost sounded like a purr. His hand started wandering again as well, down Ilya’s chest until now he could play with his treasure trail.
Ilya enjoyed every second of this moment. It felt so much more intimate than sex. Being naked together without the goal being getting off was so different. Just softly touching each other, kissing, feeling their bodies touch, feeling each other’s warmth and proximity… Ilya wanted this moment to last forever.
With a silent, surprised sound he opened his lips when he felt Shane’s tongue gently lick his lower lip. Out of the two of them, even after all these years, Ilya was the more passionate kisser, usually guiding the kiss while Shane just followed his lead. Therefore whenever it was Shane deepening a kiss, Ilya followed willingly.
The kiss was passionate but stayed soft, hands were everywhere, touching upper bodies, Shane’s hands drew lines on Ilya’s chest, connecting all the moles there while Ilya currently stroked Shane’s inner thighs, enjoying the feeling of soft skin under his fingertips. He had touched and kissed Shane’s body so many times and yet he never stopped being amazed by how soft his skin was and how good it felt to give him all the love and care he deserved.
‘Maybe this is how Shane feels, too?’ A silent voice inside Ilya’s head found the courage to speak up. It made Ilya smile a little. If Shane felt the same way as Ilya did there was probably really no way that Shane would leave him, because Ilya wouldn’t be able to leave Shane without breaking his own heart.
“What is on your mind?” Shane’s soft voice pulled Ilya back to reality.
Ilya smiled. “Just how much I love you.” He said, pressing his lips softly into the curve of Shane’s neck where it met his shoulder. Then he continued his kisses over the man’s collarbone, down his chest, before he couldn’t help but close his lips around a nipple.
Shane sucked in a breath. God, these damn things were way too sensitive. Or maybe his body just reacted wildly to Ilya in every way possible.
Lazily Shane stroked through Ilya’s hair, enjoying the attention he got with closed eyes.
Ilya’s lips moved over to the other nipple, closing around it as well, sucking gently.
“Love your body.” he whispered against Shane’s skin. “So pretty.” Ilya’s hand stroked over Shane’s tummy. “So hot.” His hand stroked lower. Through Shane’s neatly trimmed pubes, grazing the cock that was resting half hard on Shane’s thigh. “So perfect.” Ilya whispered another praise, smirking at the feeling of Shane’s dick twitching.
He still didn’t try to turn this sexual though, he just really loved touching every single inch of Shane’s body.
Shane pulled Ilya into a kiss as soon as he had ended his kissing journey over his body. He didn’t hesitate to slip a tongue into Ilya’s mouth, driven by love and affection and the need to show Ilya everything he felt for him with this single kiss. He hoped he would be able to somehow express how strongly he felt for him.
The kiss left Ilya breathless, Shane’s hands wandered now, over his chest, his shoulders, up his neck, cupping Ilya’s cheek before moving down again, over Ilya’s arms, back to his chest, down his belly where Shane traced the lines of defined muscles with his index finger.
Ilya broke the kiss with a silent gasp when Shane pulled on the hair under his belly button. “Hey. Mean.” He complained, but it didn’t sound dissatisfied at all.
“You are perfect, too, you know?” Shane whispered against the skin of Ilya’s neck. “Every inch of you is perfect.”
Ilya smirked but said nothing. Shane smacked his upper arm gently. “Always thinking dirty thoughts.” He pretended to be annoyed, but the grin on his face gave away how amused and happy he was.
“You know what I love most about you?”
Ilya looked at Shane, shaking his head. The next gesture touched him so deeply that he almost teared up again, because Shane kissed the place on his chest right where Ilya’s heart was beating.
“This thing here.” He said softly. “I know it’s been hurt and broken, and it has scars, but it’s beating bravely through everything. And it is beating for me.”
Shane now placed his hand right there and Ilya covered it with his own.
“Just for you.” He whispered, a single tear indeed running down his cheek.
Shane didn’t hesitate to kiss the tear away softly.
Ilya smiled. “Can you…” He hesitated, not knowing if that wish of his was appropriate.
Shane looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.
“Can you touch me a little more? Just need to feel your love.”
“Where do you want me to touch you?”
“Does not matter.” Ilya stroked over Shane’s cheek. “Wherever you want.”
“Mhm…” Shane made. “Here?” He asked, touching Ilya’s impressive chest muscles, squeezing lightly, massaging then, before brushing his thumb over Ilya’s nipple. Then he did the same on the other side.
“Or here?” He stroked up and down Ilya’s sides, his lips kissing along Ilya’s neck.
Ilya enjoyed every touch wholeheartedly. The affection and softness of every touch made him melt into the mattress.
“Maybe here…?” Shane continued and Ilya lifted his hips a little when Shane’s hand was unmistakably on its way to his ass. Shane squeezed it gently, massaged it, played with the cheeks a little.
Ilya sighed silently with pleasure of the softness.
Shane’s lips found Ilya’s again, his hands wandered further, now touching Ilya’s strong thighs. Oh, how Shane loved lying between them, head buried in Ilya’s crotch. He was hard now. Touching his husband just did that to him. He didn’t need to act on it at all, though. Not right now.
The soft, kneading touches on his thighs eventually made Ilya relax fully, his head was empty, no negative thought in sight. He was merely focused on Shane. Shane, Shane, Shane. Nothing else was important.
Ilya couldn’t help but moan when his husband’s hand grazed his dick. It was lying heavily on his belly, significantly stiffened and it hardened a little more when Shane used his index finger to stroke up and down the length.
Ilya took a few deep breaths, enjoying the sensation but trying to keep his body in check.
“Love that.” He whispered.
“Me too.” Shane said just as softly. “Definitely love this part of your body a lot.” He added. “And not just because it can make me feel really good.”
The words made Ilya laugh silently before swearing under his breath when Shane teased the tip a little.
“But also, because it is simply perfect and beautiful and it belongs to the man I love more than anything in this world.”
Ilya’s heart jumped. His dick did, too. Shane laughed. “Eager.”
“Sorry. My whole body loves you.” Ilya opened his eyes to look at Shane as he said that.
He placed his hand on the back of Shane’s neck and pulled him into a kiss.
The hand was still on his intimate parts, touching softly, gently and slowly Ilya was really getting into it. He understood, what this was. Shane showing his whole body the love he had for him. This wasn’t meant to turn Ilya on in the first place, but he couldn’t help getting a little riled up.
Shane stopped touching but left his hand lying right next to Ilya’s dick. “Do you want this to end with an orgasm?”
Ilya didn’t have to think about it, before he shook his head. “Don’t need one.” He said. “Just need you today.”
Shane smiled, it made his heart happy. Ilya was a very sexual person and while Shane wouldn’t mind at all to get his husband off, he was more than happy about the fact that despite Ilya being very hard now he didn’t need this to become about physical pleasure.
Shane was so caught up in his thoughts that he let out a silent yelp when Ilya turned them over, so he was now on top of Shane.
“Hi.” Ilya said, smiling and Shane laughed. “Hi.”
“More cuddles, okay?”
Shane’s breath had quickened a little, because their erections were now pretty much pressed together, trapped between their bodies, but he nodded and wrapped his arms around Ilya.
“Cuddles and… maybe kisses?” He asked innocently, trying to put on his best Shane-Puppy face.
Ilya laughed. “You don’t need that to make me kiss you.” He cleared up, before demonstrating it with a kiss.
“Cuddles… and kisses… and maybe a bit of this…?” Ilya tentatively rolled his hips against Shane’s.
Both of them moaned softly. Shane couldn’t help but nod eagerly.
“Again…” He whispered and was rewarded with another roll of Ilya’s hips.
And this was basically how they spent the afternoon. Cuddling, kissing, grinding against each other softly. Just being as close as physically possible without having sex. They did work each other up slowly, but gradually. However, none of them came. Keeping their promise to each other to not turn this overly sexual. This was about closeness and love, not about uncontrolled lust and orgasms.