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A boy with a trapper hat, a man with a short straight fringe, and a man with a short curly fringe walk into a bar.
And all promptly freeze upon seeing each other.
“What the fuck?” exclaimed the man with the short curly fringe.
The boy with the trapper hat gawked at his hair.
The man with the straight fringe rubbed his glabella, trying to ease the headache that was forming.
There were three barstools in front of the cocktail station. Dan from 2014 sat down on one of them. The bar was dark as night; an inky void.
“This is definitely one of the weirdest dreams I have ever had,” 2009 Dan said, taking a seat as well. “Is this going to be like a massive orgy, or do I need to kill you two?”
2018 Dan cringed at his voice. “You sound like a tory.”
2014 Dan fished out his phone. He phoned a number over and over again, but to no reply.
2009 Dan grabbed the Iphone from his hands, marvelling at it. 2018 Dan smirked and slid over his sleek new Iphone as he took a seat too.
2014 Dan retrieved his phone and called the same number again. “Stupid Phil. You really can’t count on him to even pick up his goddamn phone.”
2018 Dan laughed out loud. “Yeah. That doesn’t ever change.”
The youngest one of them leant forward. “Who are you? Are you…me?”
The two older men nodded. “You’re what, turning 18? I’m 27 this year,” 2018 Dan said.
“And I’m 23,” 2014 Dan said, crossing his arms. “Lose the hat. It’s too hot to be wearing all that in summer.”
2009 Dan obstinately shrugged his shoulders. “The hat stays on.”
The two older men groaned.
“Shut up. Look at your poodle ass hair,” the youngest bit out.
2014 Dan instinctively reached up to flatten down his fringe. “I can’t believe Phil let you keep that hat for so long.”
2018 Dan snorted. “He doesn’t get a say about fashion. He dresses like a child stuck in the 90s.”
“Wait, Phil? As in AmazingPhil from YouTube?” 2009 Dan asked excitedly.
The gazes of the two older men immediately softened.
“Yeah, he becomes a really good friend,” 2014 Dan said after a moment’s pause, and 2018 Dan shot him a look that did not go unnoticed by the youngest of them.
“But seriously though, why is your hair like that?” 2014 Dan asked 2018 Dan, finally putting his phone away and looking around for a server.
Dan ran a hand through his hair. “I got tired of pretending I’m something I’m not. Plus, my hair was breaking off from all that straightening.”
2009 Dan sighed and removed his trapper hat. “I want a drink.”
“We can’t all get drunk. It would not end well,” 2014 Dan asserted.
“Where’s Dil Howlter when you need him?” 2018 Dan joked.
2009 Dan frowned. “What?”
“Never mind.”
The boy looked around for the first time, really scanning his surroundings.
It was as if they were all floating in some kind of void, which made sense since this was some kind of elaborate dream.
But whose dream was it?
2014 Dan rapped his knuckles on the bar counter in front of him. “Hello?” he called out. “Is this self-service or something?”
Since silence was his only answer, he hopped over the counter and began pouring himself a drink.
2018 Dan scrunched his face up in disgust. “You better not be making a Jaeger pint, I swear to God.”
“Have some faith in me,” 2014 Dan said, mixing up a tequila highball, ingredients and utensils magically appearing and disappearing.
2009 Dan puffed out his chest. “I would like a beer, please.”
The oldest man rolled his eyes. “Yeah, as if you’re not dying for something sweet right now.”
“Uhm, no, I’m not gay,” the youngest one mumbled, pushing his hair in place and looking away.
Both 2014 and 2018 Dans’ heads snapped up.
“Well,” 2018 Dan started.
2014 Dan placed the drink in front of his younger self. “Nothing gay about sugar. That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Your mum doesn’t make sense.”
“We literally have the same mother!”
2018 Dan held up his hands. “Stop. This is getting way out of hand.”
2014 Dan sighed heavily and busied himself again, while the oldest of them looked over at the youngest, the latter trying his best to avoid eye contact.
“…You haven’t had your birthday yet, have you?” 2018 Dan asked gently.
2009 Dan shook his head.
“And…How long has it been since…”
“It didn’t work, did it?” 2009 Dan interrupted, almost bitterly.
2018 Dan closed his eyes. He remembered that pain all too well. “It gets better, I promise.”
“Does it?” 2014 Dan wheeled around, both skeptical and hopeful.
2018 Dan hesitated. Not that long ago, he was fighting with Phil, saying he wanted to leave Youtube, him…everything.
“’Course it does.”
2009 Dan scratched at his eyebrow. “How?”
“We find someone that genuinely likes us. And it makes all the difference,” the oldest replied, voice hitching at the end.
2014 Dan leant forward. “Does…does the feeling go away?”
2018 Dan shrugged. “If you mean the stress, no. You’re going to have so much to do; you literally have no idea. If you mean…the other thing, I don’t know. Maybe it will.”
“I mean, YouTube’s going really well right now. We’re even in the talks to do a whole tour and book launch, it’s amazing.”
“Yeah, about that,” 2018 Dan leant away from the other two. “I’m quitting YouTube,” he muttered.
“Pardon?”
“Come again?”
“I’m quitting. I’ve had enough of it. And, our mainstream career is taking off, I could just go do…literally anything else.”
2009 Dan frowned. “But…we always wanted to be making videos.”
“Sure, but it's not about the videos anymore is it? It’s how long they are, how many videos you put out, how it fits with the algorithm. We need money, we have bills to pay, a deposit to put down—”
“A what?”
2014 and 2018 Dan ignored their youngest counterpart.
“What does Phil think about all this?” 2014 Dan asked finally, crossing his arms.
2018 Dan shook his head. “Of course he said no. He wants to keep making videos until the heat death of the universe.”
“So you aren’t quitting?”
“No, I am. We’re going to take a hiatus from the gaming channel and focus on our own things.”
“What?” exclaimed both 2014 and 2009 Dan.
“You and AmazingPhil are friends?”
“You’re going to take a hiatus? But we’ve only just started!”
2018 Dan held up his hands again. “Slow down, please. You,” he pointed at 2009 Dan. “Ask it.”
“Do we meet AmazingPhil? Do we make videos with him? And do we not go to law school? Is Popsie mad at us? And—”
2014 Dan cut him off. “We dropped out.”
“…We what?”
“Yeah, we dropped out and moved in with Phil and got a job at the BBC so it all worked out. Except, apparently, this one here wants to throw it all away!” he said, rounding on 2018 Dan and slamming his hands onto the counter.
2009 Dan sat in shocked silence while 2018 Dan sighed heavily. “Please, just drop it, alright? I don’t need to hear it in my dreams, too.”
“Drop it? This is my future!”
“Our future! I’m you! No, actually, you’re me! That means you’ll eventually feel what I'm feeling now and you’d want to quit too!”
“Why would I ever want to quit a job where I get to sit at home and hang out with my best mate all the time?”
“Oh, I don’t know? Maybe the stalking? People trying to find out who your parents are, where they live, and where you live and then actually turning up at your doorstep? Or maybe that the whole Internet is trying to out you? Maybe how they film you and Phil at a Tesco just to see, I dunno, something, anything?”
“…What do you mean, ‘out’ us?”
2018 Dan scoffed at 2014 Dan. “You know what I mean,” he replied.
The three of them sat in charged silence, none wanting to speak first.
Then, 2009 Dan remarked, “So it doesn’t get better.”
2018 Dan sighed yet again. “I guess not.”
.
.
Creak!
“…Phil!”
Suddenly, the door (there was a door?) swung open, and a tall, lanky man with a curly mullet walked into the bar.
“Phil! You twat, where are you?” he called out, before stopping in his tracks at the sight of three younger versions of himself.
“Dafuq?” 2026 Dan exclaimed.
All four Dans looked at each other and all reached up and touched their hair.
2018 Dan gawked.
2009 Dan stared in disbelief and awe.
2014 Dan squinted. “And you are?”
“You.”
“Yeah, when?”
“2026.”
“Is that a mullet?” 2018 Dan asked.
2026 Dan smirked and turned his head to the side to show off the hair on his nape. He tugged at the short curls. “Looks good, doesn’t it? Phil can’t get enough of it. Where is he, by the way?”
2009 Dan’s eyebrows shot up. “We’re still with Phil. Even in 2026?”
2026 Dan knitted his eyebrows together. “Uhm, obviously.”
“Why? How?”
“What do you mean? You of all people know just how much we like Phil, ever since the first day we met.”
2014 Dan blanched and 2018 Dan coughed loudly.
“He hasn’t met Phil yet,” 2018 Dan said quickly.
“Really? Oh. Oh!”
2009 Dan was positively tweaking at this point.
2026 Dan cleared his throat and moved over, gingerly sitting down on the barstool that mysteriously materialised beside 2009 Dan.
“There, there,” he soothed, awkwardly patting 2009 Dan on the shoulder.
2014 Dan looked him up and down. “How’s life after quitting YouTube?” he asked bitterly.
“Oh, we didn’t really quit.”
2018 Dan whipped around. “No?”
“Not really. I mean, I’m still ghosting the Daniel Howell channel, but Phil and I got the gaming channel back up and running after, like, five years of hiatus.”
“What were you doing during that?”
2026 Dan shrugged. “I came out as gay and depressed and wrote a book about it. And also went on tour with my comedy live-show. That’s about it, I suppose.”
If 2009 Dan wasn’t freaking out before, he definitely was now.
“I’m sorry, you came out?” 2014 Dan repeated.
2026 Dan looked over at both 2014 and 2018 Dan. “How old are the both of you, again?”
“I’m 23, he’s 27. Don’t change the subject. What do you mean you came out? What for?”
“Oh. Yeah, he’s already planning it,” 2026 Dan said, jerking his head toward 2018 Dan.
All the Dans turned to look at 2018 Dan, who groaned. “Why are you always looking at me? Yes, fine. I’m thinking about it, but I haven’t actually done it.”
2009 Dan hunched over, curling into himself. “What do we need to come out for?” he asked, voice quiet and uncertain.
The three older men glanced at each other and then back at the youngest.
“You know how you feel like everything’s wrong right now?” 2026 Dan said gently. “And how you just want to disappear?”
All three younger Dans avoided eye contact and nodded their heads.
“I just want to feel like I’m doing the right thing,” said 2014 Dan.
“I just want to feel happy with what I make again,” said 2018 Dan.
“I just want to feel happy again,” said 2009 Dan.
2026 Dan smiled. “Coming out was the first step to all of that. Being truly authentic with myself and my work was the only way for me—for us— to be free. Free to do and create whatever without the stress that someone might see or say something.”
“…And Phil?” 2018 Dan asked.
“He comes out too. A bit after us. He went back into the closet for us. Coming out is the least we could do for him.”
2014 Dan slowly turned to face him. “How long has it been?”
2026 Dan grinned. “Coming on 17 years.”
2009 Dan’s eyes widened. “Wait, we start dating this year?”
“Uhm.”
“Oh!”
“Huh.”
2009 Dan stared at his older selves, confused by their reactions.
2026 Dan laughed. “Fine, yes, we did start dating in 2009. And in 2025, after years of speculation and bullshit conspiracies, we told the whole world how we’ve been together this whole time.”
2014 and 2018 Dan finally lost it and started yelling incomprehensibly at 2026 Dan, who just laughed his head off.
2026 Dan reached over to give his 17 year old self a fist bump. “You can do this. You will survive it. Phil will be the first of many who will help you find the courage to keep going every single day.”
2009 Dan finally smiled. “I can’t believe Phil likes me.”
2026 Dan snorted. “Not right now, he doesn’t. You’ll have to cyber stalk him. Remember this, he likes Muse and animals and you should apply for uni in Manchester.”
2009 Dan nodded earnestly.
2026 Dan stood up and stretched. “Alright lads, I’m off. I’m going to look for Phil.”
“Hang on, what do you mean you told the world—”
“That Phan is real? Yeah. And it was such a relief,” he told 2018 Dan, then laughed at his shocked expression.
Still chuckling, 2026 Dan left the bar.
.
2026
Dan slowly opened his eyes, and immediately turned to check beside him.
He calmed when he saw the sleeping form of Phil, and watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically.
What an insane dream that was. He’d tell Phil about it later when he woke up.