Chapter Text
The last thing Ryland Grace was expecting to see today was a message from his twin brother.
He had been packing up stuff for the day, students slotting out of his classroom as he reminded them of the homework that week on their way out. A small chuckle left him, those punks would probably forget till the last minute anyway. Despite his best efforts even he couldn’t defeat procrastination in his students. Not for lack of trying of course.
He’d zipped up his bag when his phone buzzed. Sliding the strap over his shoulder he pulled the device out without much thought, and promptly stopped in his tracks when he saw who messaged him.
Hey Ryland, sorry it’s been a long time, a lot and I mean a LOT has happened. But I wanted to see if you’d like to meet up sometime? I’m in the area this week. -Colt
Grace read it, then re-read it, then scrolled up to previous messages to make sure he wasn’t making this up. Him and Colt haven't… talked with each other for quite sometime, it must have been well over a year by now. And that’s fine, they didn’t have to stay so connected. He had to remind himself of that when cold memories drifted back to him. It was fine, people drift apart. That’s life. Heck, when he was in college he became pretty distant because of the stress he was going through. Reaching out slipped his mind a lot back then, which he hates even happened in the first place, but regardless he understands not getting back to someone here and there.
But this? This was different. Even though he wanted to think it was the same, it wasn’t.
Looking back at his old messages with his twin he knew he wasn’t making this up. The last message he ever gotten from Colt was last summer, and it read:
Please just stop checking in. If I wanted to hear from you I would have called, if I wanted to see you I’d come to you. I’m fine on my own, please stop worrying so much -Colt
But Ryland had continued to be worried. Of course he was worried for him. The accident could have been fatal, Colt was horribly injured and pushed everyone away that he could.
Growing up Colt always played off being hurt like it was no big deal, from the time they were kids all the way up to adulthood. It was just who he was and it was how he faced the world they were in. Ryland had looked up to him, despite being the exact same age. He admired Colt for that. So of course Ryland ignored the message, because that’s what colt would do for him. Of course he traveled hours just to see Colt. Of course he knocked and of course Colt opened the door looking just as bad as Ryland thought he would. He was worried and cared for Colt and wanted the stubborn man to remember that and of course-!
Breathe, He reminded himself, but it didn’t do much to dampen the sting the memory brought. Clearly things didn’t turn out so well after that.
And now here they were, strangers with the same face.
Ryland sighed as he brushed a hand through his hair, trying to sort through the racing thoughts in his head. That wasn’t fair, calling the two of them strangers, he knows colt and colt knows him. They grew up together, went through hell in their childhood, shared secrets and shared grief. For the longest time they were the only constant in each other's lives. But after so much time being on his own with no hope of the other coming back in his life? It felt fitting in a way that made his stomach twist uncomfortably.
The room suddenly felt warm, bordering on uncomfortably hot. Grace had to will his feet to move forward, maneuvering through the halls with muscle memory while staring at his screen. He barely paid attention to his surroundings, the only thing he could see was his phone and the only thing he could hear was his racing heart and unsteady breathing.
What was he even supposed to say? Respond like he would a year ago and pretend nothing happened? He could do that, shove his hurt far down and never let it see the light of day. He was good at that, maybe a little too good. Another part of him wanted to ignore the message all together, just like how Colt ignored his phone calls and voicemails. Unless Colt didn’t ignore the voicemails and actually listened to them… Somehow it was worse to think he’d go through hearing them and still ice him out.
Or he could respond and just see how it goes. Easier said than done, unfortunately.
What was once sadness had boiled over into frustration beneath his skin sometime ago. Devastation had bled into resentment that had a firm hold over him. He hated it, but it never truly went away despite good effort. Despite him pulling himself back up, despite him having someone there for him now.
Pushing through the school doors he was greeted by a bustling parking lot. Busses were loaded up while students scrambled all around him. Some were on their phones, others were fiddling through papers while trying to fit them into their already full bags. And then there were so many talking to friends, talking to family. Parents picked up their kids, pulling away once they were inside and buckled.
Grace saw a car pull up, a high schooler in the driver seat as he waited for his younger siblings. He knew the kid, he taught him a few years back, and now Grace has the privilege of teaching one of his younger brothers. And just like clock work, two kids raced over to the vehicle, both bickering about who would get shotgun as they ran.
It was all too achingly familiar for Ryland, echoes from a past that was so far behind him.
‘Okay, universe,’ Ryland thought to himself, ‘now that's just a bit on the nose, don't you think?’
Ryland sighed and clenched the phone tight in his hand, the pressure becoming a sting from the harsh grip. He was a grown man, and could ignore the hurt and anger that wanted to spill over. He could push it aside for a chance to see his brother and maybe bring him into his life once more, show him how much has changed. Maybe even show him who has changed him.
A sliver of hope shot through his mixed feelings at the thought, and that was the thing that finally made up his mind. Was he confident this was a good idea? No. But he at least needed to have one last conversation with the guy. If not for Colt then for himself.
His fingers were clumsy as he typed on the screen, and when he hit send he didn’t like how unsurety twisted at his gut even more.
I have some time later today, there’s a diner near my place we could meet at -Ryland
Grace kept it simple, despite everything in him screaming for him to say more. He closed his eyes.
Colts response was almost immediate.
That sounds great! Send over the address and let me know what time, can’t wait to see you, it’s been forever -Colt
*****
Ryland walked into the apartment, mentally and emotionally drained. He had walked home today, it was nice outside and he wanted to enjoy some time to himself. But instead of enjoyment all he found was anxiety eating him up. He’d sent Colt the address, they were planning on meeting around 7 tonight. And that was that, set in stone.
And as long as said stone didn't come flying back at his face like vengeful karma, he just might get through this.
He sighed, kicking off his shoes and setting his bag on the kitchen counter. His apartment wasn’t too small, he’s definitely lived in more cramped places in his life. He thinks back to the dorm room he shared with his roommate back in college, there was barely any room between their two beds and the door. And yet the walls felt too close, the air felt too thick. He was borderline claustrophobic in his own home. Ryland rubbed his eyes, not caring about how the motion skewed his glasses half way off his face, only being caught by his ear as they dangled just below his chin.
Water, he needed some water.
He drank from the glass greedily, hoping it would somehow wash away his growing fears. It didn’t. If anything the room now felt more suffocating, a harsh feeling that reached inside his body, shifting just below his skin in a way that mirrored his growing unease. Ryland sat the glass down, and leaned against the counter with a bowed head, pressing his hands into the edge while he closed his eyes.
How was this evening even supposed to go? Was it going to be just like old times or were they really so hopeless that they couldn’t get past a simple conversation? What if his relationship with his brother was too far gone? What if this would be the final confirmation he'd been asking for, the thing that tells him that Colts never-
Arms found his waist, and a warm body pressed against his back. He jumped, not expecting the sudden action to cut into his tumbling train of thoughts. Only then does the ringing in his ears become more apparent, and slowly the world around him comes back into focus.
“-land? Hey, you okay?” a deep voice fills his ears, and he sighs again, this time in relief as he brings a palm to rest on the hands clasped along his front. Suddenly, the thoughts are quieter, and one name reaches the front of his mind.
“Simon,” Ryland breathed out, chuckling a bit as he leaned slightly back into the man's hold, enjoying the comforting warmth he brought. “Gosh, you scared me.”
Simon hummed slowly, and Ryland could feel the vibration travel along his back, it’s nice. “Hmm, didn’t mean to,” Simon’s voice sounded steady as he spoke, the complete opposite of how Ryland felt. "I said your name a couple of times, thought you’d heard me…”
Ryland could hear the questioning undertone in his boyfriend's words. So, obviously, he sidestepped it all together, steering the conversation in a much safer direction.
“Huh well, I think I need to get my ears checked then, hearing’s almost as bad as my students these days.”
He felt Simon huff in a small laugh, and the warm breath brushed along his neck, making him smile even more. Simon leaned further into him and pressed his face to the back of his neck, his lips moving along his skin as he responded. “If that's how bad your hearing is then your ears might be too far gone, Angel.” Simon gave his stomach a little squeeze at the joke, and Ryland felt his face heat up at the nickname alone.
Ryland spun around in Simon's hold, not breaking out but simply maneuvering so he could see the man face to face. And there was Simon, wearing a comfortable loose green shirt, hair pulled back so half it stayed out of his face while the bottom fell behind him, half up half down. His facial hair framed his handsome face so nicely, while dark caring eyes scanned Rylands, exposing his thoughtful mind as it worked something out. What exactly that was, Ryland wasn’t sure. What he was sure of was that the man in front of him looked beautiful.
Ryland brought his hands up, resting them against Simon's shoulders, fitting against him like a piece finally completing a puzzle perfectly.
“Hi Si,” Ryland said just above a whisper.
Simon’s voice matched his own, “Hey Ry.”
“How was your day?” Ryland asked as he began to slightly sway the two of them from side to side, enjoying the feeling of being in the soft embrace.
Simon swayed with him easily, shrugging as he spoke, "nothing too exciting. Although, I think I finally fixed the leak below the bathroom sink. But we'll see if that holds up at all.”
Ryland smiled and shook his head fondly at the man. “It’ll hold, I think just about anything you fix up works like a charm afterwards.”
Simon hummed in acknowledgement, not deflecting the statement like Ryland thought he would. Instead Simon sounded uninterested in talking more about the sink, his observant mind clearly catching onto something. “Long day?”
A short laugh startled out of Ryland, having not expected the topic to change so suddenly. It was too bad, his mind had almost begun to forget what he had been so worried about. Almost. “Ha, what gave it away, was it something on my face?”
“You look tired,” was all Simon said, stating the simple fact like it was reason enough. Ryland mentally cursed himself for giving it away so clearly, though he supposed there's not much he could do to hide from that. Most of the time he’s coming home to talk Simon's ear off about his day. Not today though, his mind was elsewhere.
Ryland breathed, eyes drifting down to look at where one of his hands met Simon's shirt, his fingers fiddling around with the soft collar. It was one of Simon's favorites for when he was home, Ryland could only guess it was because of how soft it was. And he couldn’t blame him, when Simon was home Ryland wanted him comfortable too. Because when he was gone was when he was at work, weeks at a time working miles off the coast of California, and there wasn’t much he’d call “comfortable” out there. The weeks where the man is gone has been described to him before, and he's seen it all first hand.
The offshore Oil Rig was a bit older and it showed. Years out in open waters had not been kind to it, but it continued to operate like a semi fine tuned machine, making sure all of its workers did their part to keep things running as smoothly as possible. Simon was no exception, and Ryland fully believed he put everything he had into his job while there.
There was an official name for the rig, it’s what Ryland had first been told to call it when he stepped foot on its metal frame last year. The name Deus Portus, which quite literally translated to “Gods Harbor,” had a nice ring to it. Though with how run down the place was, Ryland wasn’t sure he’d describe it as anything “God” had a hand in. Discoloration had seeped into the structure in just about every corner of its walls, and paint had long been worn off in most of its sections. Ryland’s first thought when he saw some of the welded patch work was ‘oh god, this thing is gonna collapse any minute.’ And yet it had stayed stable, somehow.
He eventually learned what the people on the rig called it instead.
The Iron Lung
Now that was a much more fitting name in his opinion. The title alone captured the feeling of being stuck there for a time, he could only imagine what the residents felt while they stayed for longer. Simon had shared with him what it was like, and it was not pretty. It was a lot, mentally and physically draining to all those who stay offshore on The Iron Lung.
So Ryland, while he knew Simon could handle a lot, did not want to add on to his stress.
“It’s- I guess it has been a long day, well more like a long afternoon” Simon's face shifted when he added that to the end of his answer, his brows furrowed and he could see his mouth go into a straight line, stiff with growing concern. Ryland didn’t like that. “It’s nothing to worry about.”
“Well I think I’m gonna worry about it regardless,” Simon said, and the hands on Grace's back slipped below the hem of his shirt, allowing Simon's thumbs to tenderally rub small circles into his skin. Simon tilts his face to meet Grace's eyes, he hadn't even realized he’d looked away again until deep brown was in his sight. And dang it, the way Simon looked at him was so stupidly unfair, there was no way he didn't know what he did to Ryland with these looks. “What’s wrong?”
The feeling of anxiety returned again as his mind brought back the fresh events from earlier. “ “My, um-,” His voice caught. He sucked in an unconscious breath and fumbled some more. Common Grace, Ryland thought to himself, find the dang words.
Ryland felt his heart rate picking up, but he chose to ignore it, instead taking a deep breath and clearing his throat. And Simon waited like a stone patiently diverting a river, steady even as the water rushed all around him. And Grace was a drowning man looking for something to grab onto.
Simon needed to know.
“Colt texted me,” he finally managed to squeeze out, words leaving him far faster than they should have.
The swaying stopped, and Simon's thumbs paused their gentle motions. If he were anywhere else besides Simon's arms then maybe he would have missed the way Simon's eyes widened at the news, would have missed the way his muscle tensed only a fraction. But Simon didn’t say anything, instead he waited patiently for him to continue, which Grace was very grateful for at that moment.
“He- uh, he’s in town and wanted to see if I could meet up with him. Apparently he wants to catch up after so long, you know?” Ryland paused, allowing the information to sink in. And just as he saw Simon about to say something, he spoke again. “I already said yes.”
Silence encompassed them, and the cozy feeling from before was being drowned out by apprehension and fear. Grace knew Simon could feel it too, as several different emotions raced across his partner's eyes. A couple moments passed before either of them spoke.
Simon's arms fell away as finally spoke “Your brother.” It wasn’t a question, and Grace could practically see Simon trying to choose his words carefully.
He nodded, letting the man take a small step back away from him as the mood shifted, “my brother.”
“The same one who has ignored you this whole time?”
Ryland nodded again, leaning against the counter behind him, fighting hard to not look away while also struggling to figure out what was going through the man's head. “Mhm.”
Simon began to pace in a small pattern, not going too far from where he was standing. Ryland could practically see the gears turning in his head. “The same one who basically told you to fuck off when you were trying to help?”
“Well to be fair he asked me to stop-”
“The same one who put you through emotional hell?”
Ryland shook his head “Now that’s a bit dramatic, it wasn’t emotional hell-”
“Wasn’t emotional-?” Simon cut himself off as he almost laughed in disbelief. He ran a hand through his hair and paused in his tracks, a long breath pushed out of his nose as he continued. “Don’t do that Ry, don’t try to defend him now. We both know what all of this has done to you. You more than I, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen some ugly shit because of him.”
Ryland didn’t argue, because what was he supposed to say? It was… awful feeling like that for so long. The words Colt threw at him that night cut deep and for a while Ryland was sure the only thing he was going to feel for the longest time was the memories slicing into him over and over again while he pretended everything was fine. Things weren't fine or course, he knew that, there was no way for him not to. How else are you supposed to feel when one brother is god knows where, and the other you thought would be a constant suddenly shuts you out, locking all doors and taking the keys with him.
And Simon helped him through that. Still is helping him through that.
And he was so grateful for Simon, who had been a steady weight when he felt like the wind would pull his feet right out from under him. The two of them had grown closer, friendship turning into a quiet confession of love between two bodies in space, letting gravity pull them closer in a natural dance.
“I know” he whispered, looking at the floor, not like the knot that had found its way into his throat. “I just… I don’t want you to hate him, Simon. I’d still love for you to meet him someday, and for him to meet you. He’s my brother, and everything that has happened doesn't change that. It sucks, and I don’t like this all that much either but...” Ryland breathed, trying to keep his words straight, but the only thing that came out was him repeating the most important point to Simon. “He’s my brother Si and… I miss him even when I don't always want to…”
The words hung in the air, and Ryland believed it's the most honest he’s been with himself all day.
Simon stared at him for a moment, this time really taking in what was said. Ryalnd looked away. The only sign he got that Simon believed him was the quiet footsteps coming closer. The warm arms wrapped around him once more, only this time one was around his back while the other reached up to the back of Rylands head. Fingers laced though his hair while pulling his face forward to rest between Simon's neck and shoulder. Ryland didn’t hesitate in wrapping his arms around the other, feeling his body relax once more.
“Why now?” Simon asked quietly.
Grace opened his mouth to answer, but found himself stalling, because it was a good question. Why now? Why not at any point before this, all those months with nothing. So why now? His voice comes out quiet and unsure. “I don’t know,” he finally settled on saying.
“... I could come with, if you'd like,” Simon gently offered. Ryland felt his heart warm at the suggestion. He knew Simon would most likely prefer to be there rather than leaving him alone, but made sure Ryland knew it was his choice.
Ryland shook his head where it rested against Simon, “I’ll be okay on my own, we're meeting at the diner just a few blocks down town. I’m gonna walk over so I can clear my head before I see him.”
Simon nodded, fingers beginning to scratch at Ryland's head, which the blonde greatly appreciated, eyes closing as his mind drifted with the feeling. “I’ll pick you up afterwards then. I was gonna go for a ride later today anyways, though I was hoping you’d join me.”
Ryland laughed, feeling the tension in the air begin to break down. “Well I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait. What ever will you do?”
Simon chuckled with him, hand settling against his hair once more, gentle scratches pausing to instead hold him. They remained like that, enjoying the feeling of being able to hold each other.
After a nice minute of this, of the two of them standing in each other's warmth while the air began to settle, Ryland squeezed Simon tighter, leaning close to his ear.
“Please don't hate him Simon,” he quietly begged with every fiber of his being. If Simon decided he hated Rylands own twin with no sign of changing, despite never having met, Rylands not sure he’d be able to handle that. Ryland could understand the anger and frustration, he still felt it when it came to Colt. But there was also this gnawing pit in his stomach that chipped away at him every time Colt was brought up, something more firm than resentment ever could be.
Grief.
Simon sighed, closing his eyes and squeezing him back. “I don’t hate him.” Simon opened them after a second, looking Ryland in the eyes. He could see Simon wanted to say more, but held back. “I just love you so much” he said softly, voice carrying heaviness behind it even as the last few words came out in a breath.
Ryland smiled, his heart skipping a beat as he leaned in to give the man a gentle kiss. It was sweet and simple, no grand gesture, just reassurance of each other. I’m here, it whispered in the short moment. Ryland felt the way Simon pressed right back, and it was more than enough. I’m with you. He pulled away, looking back into Simon's eyes, voice low as he spoke. “I love you too.”