Work Text:
I
Jin's father texts him on a random Tuesday night. It's the first time he's reached out in five years, and Jin blinks down at the message in surprise.
His father isn't asking him how he is, or asking after him at all. It's an invitation to the premiere screening of his most recent film. Jin frowns, but replies almost immediately asking for two tickets.
"What's wrong?" Haruki asks from the kitchen where he's finishing up washing the dishes. "What did your mom say this time?"
Jin shakes his head and wordlessly hands Haruki his phone.
Haruki's face lights up the way it does when he's excited, but he quickly schools his expression into something more somber. "Are you sure you want to go?" he asks carefully.
Jin isn't, but it's been years since he saw his father and he wants to see him. He hates that he hopes that it'll be different this time -- that maybe, finally, his father will remember he exists and take an interest in him.
Not to mention that Haruki still idolizes his father. That's reason enough to go.
"You'll be with me," Jin replies, and Haruki wordlessly takes one of his hands in his own and squeezes it.
*
The tickets arrive at their door a week later. The premiere is a week after that. Haruki is clearly looking forward to it, an extra bounce to his step even as he casts worried glances at him.
"I'll be fine," Jin tells him, though he's still not sure that's true.
The film itself is thoughtful and beautiful.
It's about a young, orphaned girl who is shuffled from one well-meaning relative to another. Her relatives are all busy with their own lives and none of them are able to give her the attention and love she needs. The obvious themes hit close to home, and instead of being awed by his father's cinematography and storytelling, he feels something heavy and hard sink to the bottom of his stomach.
If his father understands neglect and the pain of it, then why doesn't he bother to call?
He rises for the standing ovation when it ends, but he feels like he's on auto-pilot, his mind racing.
His father and the main cast are interviewed afterwards, and he barely hears any of it. At the very end, when everyone on stage takes their final bow, his father looks right at him and pauses for a moment. Jin takes a deep breath.
The lights come back on and the theatre fills with sound as the audience begins grabbing their belongings and making their way to the exists. As he and Haruki do the same, he checks his phone. There's nothing from his father who knew he would be here.
Haruki meets his eyes. Jin shakes his head. Haruki puts his hand on Jin's lower back and keeps it there as they climb up the stairs to the doors and Jin focuses on that point of contact.
"Excuse me!"
They turn. A woman is waving them down. Around her neck, she wears a red lanyard marking her as a theater employee. "The Director would like to meet with you," she says when she catches up to them.
Haruki turns to Jin, and Jin stands up straighter, hardly believing this is happening. Then the theater employee says, "He's seen your work and was happy to see you in the audience tonight."
Jin freezes.
His dad wants to speak to Haruki, an upcoming director, not him. Of course. Why did Jin ever think differently?
But this must be a dream come true for Haruki. He needs to focus on that. He tries to swallow down the heavy thing climbing up his throat and forces a smile on his face. "You should meet him," he says, but Haruki's face has gone dark in a way Jin hasn't seen since high school.
"I'm quite busy," Haruki tells the employee, his tone disinterested and curt.
Without another word, his palm is on Jin's back again, and he's pushing Jin up the stairs and out the door. Jin lets himself be maneuvered, lets Haruki takes control. He's aware they're outside now, that his breath is coming out faster and harder, and that he keeps losing time -- they were crossing the street outside the theater a moment ago and now Haruki is gently tugging him down a quiet alleyway several blocks away.
"Jin," he says softly, and turns Jin's face towards him, his fingers warm against Jin's skin. His eyes are so gentle when they search his, and Jin breaks.
"He didn't even recognize me," he says quietly into the space between them, and Haruki is there, wiping his tears away with cuffs of his jacket, and leaning in to hold him. Jin fits against him like a puzzle piece, and weeps into his shoulder as that last little spark of hope he's carried for his father is finally snuffed out.
*
"You shouldn't have said no for me," Jin tells him later that night when they're lying in bed together. "He's your hero."
Haruki's wanted to meet him since before they met, and he could be an important ally for Haruki in the industry, potentially connecting him to opportunities and contacts, especially if he's already familiar with Haruki, enough pull him out of a crowd.
Haruki scoffs. "How can my hero be someone who hurts you?"
He says it automatically, instantly, and Jin doesn't know how Haruki always manages to do this -- to cut through the sticky, emotional layers Jin gets stuck in like a hot knife.
"I admired his films. He's a reason I'm a director now, but he's not a good man."
Haruki, sensing his distress, smooths his thumb over Jin's eyebrow, then down the side of his cheek. "How can he not want to be part of your life? How can I keep idolizing him when you're the best part of mine?"
Jin's crying again, but here, in their own home, in the bed they share, Haruki leans in and kisses his tears away.
*
II
Haruki leaves for three weeks for work. Jin isn't happy about it, but there's nothing he can do.
He wants Haruki to do what he loves. He just wishes he could go with him instead of working a job he's good at but doesn't care for. He hates coming home to an empty apartment.
What's worse is that Takase, a member of the team he managers, is getting married at the end of the month, and her wedding seems to be the only thing anyone on his team can talk about. Flowers, dresses, suits, venues, cakes... Jin hasn't thought much about the details of a wedding before, only that he wants one someday, and it's almost overwhelming.
He's happy for Takase. He just wants what she has and doesn't have to think twice about. He wishes it was that easy -- that it could be that easy -- that he could one day he could announce that he's engaged to Haruki and be genuinely congratulated by his coworkers.
Instead, he has to pretend to be single. He's constantly given unsolicited dating advice from his seniors, and he has to listen to his colleagues talk about what a shame it is he isn't seeing someone. He bares it with smile on his face because that's what he has to do, even though it feels like a fresh paper cut every time.
He's grateful for his job, he worked his whole life to get here and make good money, but it's increasingly exhausting to make the choice to wear a mask every day, and he wishes that he didn't have to anymore.
*
Being home alone isn't the same as it was when he was younger. It's a different apartment and there are signs of Haruki everywhere he looks -- Haruki's things dot the shelves, posters for his films are on the walls, and their clothing hangs together in the closet.
And Haruki actually calls. Every single day. If his schedule means they can't speak directly, he leaves voicemails. He also texts and sends photos.
The photos are Jin's favorite, after hearing his voice. Haruki sends images from set, and selfies he tells Jin to set as his wallpaper. There are photos of where he is, what he's eating, and notes on the people he's met. He always tells Jin that he misses him, that he loves him.
He doesn't miss a day.
Jin sends back his own messages, which feel mundane compared to Haruki's adventures -- what he had for dinner, a book he's reading, a photo of the television with he's favorite actor on screen just so Haruki can demand to be told he's better looking.
It gets lonely, but it's not the same, and Haruki always comes home.
*
Sometimes, when Haruki is away, Jin wears Haruki's clothing around the house. Hoodies and sweatshirts are his favorite to take and when Haruki catches him doing it for the first time in a video call, he's thrilled.
"Let me see," Haruki says, grinning, and even though Jin's embarrassed, he holds his phone out far enough that the grey sweatshirt he has on is in full view.
"You're so beautiful," Haruki tells him.
He's said these same words many times in many different situations, and the heat in his voice never fails to make Jin's ears feel warm.
"I bet that shirt smells like you now."
Jin brings the phone back to a normal angle, and snorts. "Only you would say that."
Haruki's smile turns impish in response. Jin knows that look, so he's not surprised at all when Haruki asks him what else he's wearing. He rolls his eyes in response, but if by the end of their call, the sweatshirt is the only piece of clothing he still has on, he's not complaining.
*
The lights are on and Haruki's shoes are by the front door.
Haruki isn't supposed to be home for another eight days.
"I'm home," Jin calls out like a question. Haruki appears from the living space, grinning as he barrels into Jin, embracing him and pulling him in for a kiss before he even has a chance to take his shoes off.
"We ended at three today and we're off until noon tomorrow," Haruki says, answering the unspoken question.
Jin stares at him in shock. Haruki's current job is four hours away by train. He's been working twelve-hour days on a good day and this is his first time off since this shoot started. He should be sleeping in his accommodations, not here surprising Jin on a random work night.
"Haruki," he says, breathless, and then he's the one pulling Haruki closer in order to kiss him.
When they finally part, Jin pulls at his tie, wanting to get out of his suit, when Haruki catches his wrist.
"I have something for you."
"A gift?"
Haruki smiles. "Close your eyes," he says playfully.
Trusting Haruki, Jin does as he's told. He's gently pushed into what he can tell is their bathroom by the change in flooring and he then feels Haruki's fingers and something he doesn't recognize against the back of his neck.
Jin makes a questioning noise. Haruki takes his hand and guides it upwards until he's closing Jin's fingers around a thin chain.
Jin's eyes open without permission, and Haruki gently turns them so they're facing the mirror together. There's a simple, thin gold chain around his neck, but that's not the only thing that catches his eye. Haruki is wearing a matching chain over his sweatshirt.
Haruki reaches for him, and Jin watches their reflections as Haruki tucks the chain under his collar and tie, hiding it from view.
The gesture is so thoughtful it knocks the air out of his lungs. They're matching necklaces. A symbol of what they are and a promise to each other, and he understands why Haruki wanted to give it to him before he changed.
The chain is beautiful and subtle. He can wear it shopping. He can wear it to the movies. He can wear it under his suit at work, the place he feels the most insecure. No one will know, but it'll still be there, against his skin, where he can feel it.
Haruki's smile is soft when he meets Jin's eyes in the mirror. "What do you think?"
Jin takes Haruki's face in his hands. Haruki's eyes search his, waiting for a reaction, an answer, and Jin kisses him once, twice, a third time. "Thank you," he whispers against Haruki's lips.
*
III
"I had lunch with a coworker today," Haruki says over the phone. It's late and Jin should be sleeping, but it's worth a little sleep deprivation to hear Haruki's voice. "Her name is Honda. I wanted to tell you about her."
Jin hums sleepily, not paying too much attention until Haruki adds, "She spent almost the entire time telling me about her girlfriend. She told me she felt a kinship with me since we're the ones on set mostly likely to be asked about marriage. She pretends to be single too."
Jin is suddenly wide awake, and the part of him that's always worried about a situation like this has him anxiously asking, "Does she know?"
"I think she suspects. That's why she trusted me. But no. I haven't told her anything."
Jin calms. Haruki is safe. They're safe.
Haruki's voice is gentle when he adds, "Don't worry. I'll keep an eye out for her. Make sure no one hassles her."
Jin hadn't even considered that, hadn't gotten that far, too preoccupied with his own fears, and even as Haruki moves onto other topics of conversation, Jin can't help but think about the woman with a girlfriend -- a set designer, Haruki had said -- who trusted Haruki even though Haruki could have her fired if he wanted to.
Jin knows that there are other people like them out there, many in fact, but he also forgets sometimes. Given his line of work and the company he keeps, he's never even met someone else like them, not that he knows of.
It keeps him awake that night -- the fear of Haruki being discovered intertwining with the realization that there are people like Honda out there, like Haruki, who see what others don't and who, without any prompting, take it upon themselves to watch each other's backs.
*
"I saw you in Hirukawa's IG story," Nemoto says and Jin's head shoots up from where he was staring into his drink. It's the first time he, Nemoto, and Kento have gotten together in two months, Nemoto and Kento both too preoccupied with their girlfriends and careers to meet up as regularly as they used to.
"What?"
Nemoto pouts, already into his third drink. "You should've invited me. Shiori wants to see the new Ghibli movie too."
Jin hadn't realized how much he tensed up until his muscles relax. "Hirukawa was in town for the weekend, so we met up," he says.
Kento shakes his head. "Given what Hirukawa was like in high school, it's funny that the two of you have become friends. I never would've pictured it. He was such a delinquent but I guess it makes sense."
Some of Jin's earlier apprehension comes back. "What makes sense?" he asks as neutrally as he can.
"That you two are together." Kento says, oblivious to the way Jin's hands are clenched into the fabric of his pants. Like it's a punchline, Kento adds, "You eligible bachelors need to stick together."
Nemoto and Kento laugh, but Jin doesn't stop feeling like he's about to drown.
The feeling gets worse when they start asking him if he's dating, and if Hirukawa is seeing someone, and although Jin has spent years in Nemoto and Kento's company, he wants nothing more than to get up and leave the table.
He doesn't. He stays and listens to them talk about their girlfriends and their jobs, making polite comments to show he's paying attention.
He's not sure what's different. He knew they would never consider it a possibility that he and Haruki could be together. He's used to lying to them, but it hurts in a way it hasn't before that the two people he considers his closest friends are two people he needs to pretends with -- are two people he can't trust.
When they set a date to meet for drinks next month, Jin dreads it.
*
His mother used to text or call him for one of two reasons. The first was to make sure he was obeying her and her plans for his life. The second was to set him up with "suitable" women she hoped he would someday marry.
Over the last two years, she's stopped contacting him for the former, not even pretending to check in on him anymore. Instead, all he gets is steady stream of messages like: Mariko is 26, works in finance, and comes from a good family. I've made reservations for Friday.
Jin sighs and lets his phone drop onto the counter harder than he should. He hasn't replied. He's not sure how many times he can say he's not interested and have someone willfully misunderstand him before he does something rash, like write back, Your marriage failed from the start so why would I listen to you?
His phone buzzes again. Against his better judgment, he looks at it.
You can't stay single forever, his mom writes.
He's starting to hate her. Maybe, he thinks, he has for a long time.
He's spent his whole life doing everything she wanted. Being quiet. Not complaining. Only keeping the two friends she approved of. Attending cram schools. Studying abroad. Getting a degree in something he's indifferent towards. Working her dream job six days a week. And it's still not enough. Nothing is enough for her, and as he gets older, it becomes painful clear that she wants to control his life, not be a part of it.
He sends back, I'm not dating anyone you pick.
His phone buzzes and buzzes and buzzes. He mutes it, and goes to do something else, even as his hands shake.
A year ago, Haruki, noticing what his interactions with his mother do to him, gently suggested he reply to her less and stop picking up her rare calls.
At the time, he had understood where Haruki was coming from, but the suggestion had seemed somewhat blasphemous. He didn't like her messages, but this was his mom, and he had a duty to her.
Now he thinks about that suggestion more seriously, about what exactly he would lose, if anything.
What he's sure of is that every time she reaches out to him, he resents her even more.
*
There's a jewelry shop by the station that Jin passes every day on his commute to and from work. Some days on his way home, Jin stops outside it, peering in at the elegant display cases. One day, he hopes to go inside and pick out an engagement ring.
The picture he has had of future wedding has always been nebulous, but with all the wedding talk at work, it's slowly gaining more details.
He pictures himself and Haruki in matching white suits. Their ties are black, their rings are gold. They're by the sea, there are white flowers everywhere, and they're happy.
It's harder to picture their guests. He used to assume it would be his parents, Haruki's mom, and their friends, with maybe some coworkers, but he can't imagine a crowd anymore, even in a future where things change and marriage is legal. Even if the world changes, people don't. Even if he's always been scared of disappointing and alienating the people the few people he has, he will. All because he wants to marry a man.
He looks forward to not having to risk his career, his income, and his home, just to hold Haruki's hand as they walk down the street, but will it just be the two of them against the world? Will there be anyone at their wedding at all, in the end?
Will it matter if he and Haruki have each other?
He watches a couple through the shop's window. A woman is clinging to a man's arm, beaming as she points to something in a display.
Jin sighs and turns away.
*
IV
Honda is going to be in town with her girlfriend. She invites Haruki to join them for dinner at a restaurant and Haruki asks Jin if he wants to go.
He isn't sure about this request. "If I go with you, then wouldn't they know..."
The corner of Haruki's mouth quirks upwards. "They don't have to know anything we don't tell them."
Jin frowns and Haruki senses his hesitation because he adds, "You don't have to come. I don't even have to go."
Jin can tell that Haruki wants to go, and Jin... Jin is still thinking about Honda coming out to Haruki even though she didn't have to. He keeps thinking of Haruki's reaction. He keeps thinking about what it would be like to be around other people like them for a change.
"It's okay," he says finally. "Let's meet them."
*
Jin wasn't sure what he was expecting, but Honda and her girlfriend, Kotani, are kind and friendly.
They talk about their jobs, mostly focusing on the production Haruki and Honda worked on together, and on how Kotani makes pottery. When the conversation moves to him, Honda and Kotani seemingly taking genuine interest in his finance job, Kotani even asking him some accounting questions.
If Haruki hadn't told him that Honda and Kotani were together, he wouldn't have known. There are signs though, now that he's paying attention. The way they lean against each other when they laugh. The way they touch each other's shoulders. They way they smile at each other. The use of their first names. They could be good friends, but they aren't and that makes a difference.
Haruki doesn't make any comments about having a crush on Jin in high school, or anything else to test the waters, and Jin doesn't offer anything either. Honda and Kotani don't push, don't ask even once what they are to each other, and they, refreshingly, don't make any assumptions either.
Halfway through the evening, their server mistakes them as two heterosexual couples. No one corrects them, and Honda and Kotani laugh off the slight, but it hits Jin that he and Haruki are part of the reason Honda and Kotani can go undetected here. He was aware of using other people's assumptions to stay hidden, but this is another layer that he hadn't considered before -- that being with other people like them may make it easier, not harder to remain unseen. That being out in public together could make them all safer.
Jin finds himself relaxing after that. He opens up more, and even hits Haruki playfully in the chest when he tells a horrible joke. At the end of the night when Kotani suggests that they should meet up again, it doesn't feel like a chore to agree.
*
They got out to dinner with Honda and Kotani again a month later. The week before, he and Haruki met up with Nemoto and Kento and the difference between spending time with them and with Honda and Kotani is palatable. Both he and Haruki are more relaxed. Jin, who usually doesn't speak much unless spoken to, initiates conversation, and they spend half the evening laughing.
Jin doesn't remember laughing this much in his life.
They still haven't come out, not officially. He's sure Honda and Kotani know, but that doesn't fill him with terror anymore. If anything, it's unexpectedly a comfort.
*
V
His mother shows up at his door on a Sunday afternoon.
It's been a month since he stopped taking her calls and replying to her messages so it isn't a surprise that she's demanding his attention another way. It is a surprise that she even knows where he lives.
He doesn't let her inside. She has some choice words to say about that as he leads her to a small cafe where he chooses a table as far away as he can from anyone else. She orders for them both, because of course she does, and immediately starts going on about potential future wives.
It's always been his job to do what she says, and he hasn't fully shaken the urge to roll over and obey, but this is the one area of his life she is never, ever going to touch.
"Let's talk about something else," he tries diplomatically, but just like over text, she ignores him.
"I only want what's best for you," she says, before continuing to talk about the daughter of one of her friends.
He doesn't want to be here having this conversation. He's tired from work and wants to be home, in one of Haruki's hoodies, enjoying his day off. If he's honest with himself, he doesn't want to see his mother at all.
"Stop trying to find me a wife," he says, cutting her off. He doesn't sound angry, even though he is. He just sounds exhausted.
She breaks off a piece of her pastry with more force than needed. "If you already have a girlfriend, you could've just told me."
He sighs. "I don't have a girlfriend."
She stares at him, incredulous. "You know, you never used to lie to me. What happened to my good little boy?"
"I've done everything you wanted me to," he points out.
"You never used to talk back like this, either," she says, ignoring his words again. "Is your girlfriend the source of this behavior? Really, Jin, I expect you to make better choices."
It's not lost on him that she married a man she didn't love for his wealth and connections, or that she decided to leave Jin alone as a child for months at a time, caring more about his grades than his safety.
"I just want what's best for you," she says when the silence stretches on.
He's been annoyed at her for a long, long time, but her doing this in person, the first time she's seen him in a year, is too much. There are so many things he wants to say. He wants tell her with cutting bluntness the myriad ways she's failed as a parent -- how she's still managing to fail now. "You say that, but you've only ever wanted what's best for you," is what comes out of his mouth.
He has never, in his life, spoken to her like this, and he has never, in his life, seen her face contort with rage like it does now. "What did you just say?"
"Did you ever ask me if I wanted to go into finance?" he asks with a calmness he doesn't remotely feel.
"It's a good career that makes you good money," she says, clearly exasperated. "What else would you have done?"
He doesn't know. Because of her, he never had a chance to think about anything else.
She finishes her pastry. He continues to ignore his. When he feels her eyes on him, he lifts his head.
"I could get you fired," she says.
He doesn't think he heard her right.
"If you don't get your act together and show me some respect, you may need to get a new job."
The threat is completely unexpected and his mouth falls open. He didn't think this conversation was going well, but this is something else entirely.
He's not sure she could follow through on it. He got this job on his own and his company relies on him. Even if she could, he could get another one in his field. Then it hits him -- this isn't about his job. It's about what it's always been about: keeping him under her control.
All this because he refused her choice of women?
He doesn't reply for a long moment, and it sounds like there's a windstorm building in his ears. He doesn't know where the courage comes from, but when he finally speaks, he says, "You've embarrassed yourself enough. I wouldn't think you'd want to do it any further."
Her eyes narrow. She opens her mouth. He doesn't hear what she says next. The storm is too loud.
Then she's on her feet. In a huff, she collects her purse and marches out the door, not looking back even once.
*
He sits on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.
He should be proud he finally said something -- that he finally put a foot down with her in a way that she'll be forced to reckon with -- but he doesn't. The storm that was roaring before has died down and left him feeling hollow in its wake. His chest hurts and he wants to cry, but the tears don't come. He sits there, replaying the conversation over and over, increasingly horrified by how quickly and eagerly she wanted to hurt him.
The sun has gone down by the time he moves. With shaking hands, he picks up his phone and dials Haruki's number.
*
It's a month later when Jin asks, "Do you think your mother will come to our wedding?"
They're in the car, on their way to the sea. They're not visiting Haruki's mother. They visit the sea often, but even though she lives by the shoreline, they visit her much less.
Haruki takes a moment to think about his answer. "If it was just her, she might, but if she's still with him, I doubt it." He says the last part of it quietly, his grip on the steering wheel tightening.
Jin has learned about Haruki's mother's second husband in bits and pieces. When they were younger, he knew he was a man Haruki avoided. As an adult, he knows him as a man who wanted a wife but not her previous child, who disliked Haruki for reminding him that his wife once belonged to someone else.
Jin wishes, not for the first time, that they had different families. That for once, Haruki's mother was less oblivious to the dynamics going on around her and actually did something to change them.
*
VI
Honda and Kotani invite them to spend a Sunday with them at their home, a property far outside the city where Kotani's family has been making pottery for generations.
He and Haruki spend the afternoon in Honda and Kotani's living room, overlooking the pottery workshop and back garden. The garden is barren now in the winter, but even without the foliage, there is not another home in sight. There's no one who can see them, even with the curtains open.
It's noticeable how much Honda and Kotani are more relaxed here, in their own space, moving around each other with familiarity, and Jin wonders how much extra privacy helps.
Maybe it's because of the privacy that the topics of conversation turn more serious as the day goes on. Kotani tells them how they got together as a couple -- how Kotani made Honda custom pottery for months before Honda clued in to what was happening. Without naming names, they also share stories about how some of their other friends, who are also like them, ended up finding each other.
Jin is nervously half-expecting it when Kotani asks, "How did you two meet?"
Haruki turns to him, head tilted in question. They have a standard watered-down answer about their friendship where they were classmates in high school and met again by chance when they were in university. But this is Honda and Kotani, who are just like them, and they're in their home, far away from anyone else they know.
The choice, as always, rest with Jin. He nods to Haruki, takes a deep breath and says, "Haruki had a crush on me in high school."
There's no disbelief or anger at the words or at the use of Haruki's first name. He eyes Kotani and Honda wearily, but Kotani just leans forward in her seat and says, "Oh?" clearly interested in learning more. Next to her, Honda smiles at him, her eyes soft.
Haruki, sensing how overwhelmed Jin is, takes over the story.
Honda and Kotani ask follow-up questions, exclaiming in shock when they learn Haruki used to be a delinquent.
It's still scary and vulnerable to make the decision to tell their story, their real story, for the first time. His heartbeat is pounding in his ears and he misses some of what Haruki is saying.
But no one assumes it's a joke or asks them to reconsider their choices. No one cuts them out of their lives either.
They move on to other subjects, and by the time they sit down for dinner, what Jin feels most of all is relief.
*
Haruki keeps smiling at him as they drive back into the city.
"What?" Jin asks.
Without taking his eyes off the road, Haruki reaches over and squeezes Jin's thigh. "It's just that I'm really proud of you."
Jin's still anxious, jittery from what happened, but he thinks that if he wasn't, Haruki's words would make him cry.
*
Honda and Kotani offer to introduce them to a gay couple they're friends with. Jin still has his fears and concerns, especially about strangers knowing who they are to each other, but agrees.
Nozue and Togawa are at least a decade older than them and work in the same field as Jin. He and Haruki meet up with them at a restaurant, and Jin immediately notices similarities between this dinner and the first time they met up with Honda and Kotani. He would have had no idea Nozue and Togawa were together if he hadn't been told in advance, four men having dinner together on a weeknight doesn't raise any suspicions, and he feels like he has the rare option to let his guard down.
They mostly talk about their respective jobs, and when Nozue and Togawa learn that Jin was recently promoted, they order another round of drinks to celebrate. They seem genuinely happy for him, making comments like, "Senior manager. At your age?"
Even though they've just met, something inside Jin shifts.
These strangers are happier for him than his oldest friends, than he family.
He thinks of Kotani and Honda, how they would probably celebrate too, if they were here. That it isn't just Haruki who cares about him anymore.
*
VII
He's putting away laundry when a jean jacket at the other end of the closet falls off its hanger.
It's a jacket he hasn't seen Haruki wear in years. He didn't even know that Haruki still had it.
When goes to hang it up again, he notices there's something bulky in its pockets. Curious, he reaches inside one of them and pulls out a small jewelry box. He knows what it is, what it has to be, even as he opens the lid with shaking fingers.
Inside the box, nestling between layers of red velvet, is a gold ring.
His knees give out. With a thud, he's sitting on the floor, the box cupped in his hands.
He was the one who was going to propose. He was going to do it the second marriage was legal. He had a whole plan for how he was going to take one of Haruki's favorite rings with him to the jewelry shop so he'd know his size.
Maybe it shouldn't be surprising that Haruki beat him to it. Haruki's never had the same reservations as him, nor the same need, economically or socially, to wait until legalization. He knew this, but it's so much more real now that he knows there's a ring.
There's another box in the opposite jacket pocket, and inside this one, Jin discovers two matching gold bands. Wedding rings. Not just an engagement ring. Haruki had bought them wedding rings too.
They're simple and beautiful, and they remind Jin of their necklaces. He wonders if Haruki got the rings at the same time as them. That was so long ago now.
His phone buzzes. The message on the screen tells him that Haruki is on his way home with their groceries, and with a start, Jin remembers what he was doing. He carefully closes the boxes and puts them back where he found in them, hanging the jacket back up in the closet.
He tells himself he's going to act like he never found the rings, but when Haruki arrives, grocery bags in his hand, he can't help but run into his arms.
He kisses Haruki on the cheek, then on the nose and the mouth. Haruki perks up even if he's a little confused. He was only gone for thirty minutes at most. "Jin?"
"I missed you," Jin says, his love for Haruki so overwhelming he feels it bubble up into his throat.
Haruki smiles and affectionately cards a hand through Jin's hair. "I missed you, too."
*
The day after Haruki leaves for another shoot, Jin walks into the jewelry shop for the first time.
He's worried they'll know he's buying a ring for a man, that he'll need to make an excuse and say it's for a brother or friend, but the shopkeeper shows him options without any questions asked.
The entire process is still nerve-wracking, but later, when he finds his own hiding place for a ring box in their apartment, his nerves switch over into a feeling of exhilaration instead.
Even though it'll likely be a long time before he'll be able to propose, it's not just Haruki who's prepared. He's ready too.
*
Haruki has a rare Sunday off coming up. Even though he's four hours north by train again, he's been so exhausted lately that Jin knows he won't be able to pull off another surprise visit.
"I wish I could see you," Haruki tells him over the phone, and it isn't until after they hang up for the night that Jin realizes he could be the one to go to Haruki this time. He'd have to ensure he didn't work late on Saturday and he'd have to find trains to get him back at a decent time on Sunday, but it's doable.
He also needs outside help to pull it off. Thankfully, Honda is working on the same production and is able to send him the address of the small home Haruki is staying in, the time Haruki should be off work, and a note that he should bring Haruki dinner.
It should feel ridiculous to go through all this trouble when it won't even give them a full day together, but it's easy to pack a bag and buy train tickets.
It's after sundown on Saturday when he finds himself on the outskirts of a town he's never been to before, waiting at a street corner holding a bag containing food from a nearby convenience store. He's struck by an inescapable fondness the moment he sees Haruki in the distance and calls out to him.
Haruki's head whips around, searching, and when he sees Jin standing there, his does a double-take, eyes wide. "Jin?" he asks, frozen, unbelieving.
Jin smiles, running to meet him, and Haruki's face lights up, his hands running up and down Jin's sides when they're close enough to touch, like he wants to make sure Jin's not a figment of his imagination. "What are you doing here?"
It's Jin's turn to be impish. "I heard you have a day off tomorrow and thought you could use some company."
*
Haruki has him pinned against the genkan wall the second the door closes behind them.
Then Haruki pins him against multiple other walls and surfaces in the house.
It's after well after midnight when they finally eat, bathe, and try to sleep. Even then, Haruki is watching him as they lie in bed, curled towards each other like parenthesis. "You really came all the way here," he says like he still can't believe it, like the last few hours weren't proof enough.
He pulls Jin against his chest, a hand against Jin's back, another in his hair. Jin breathes in the scent of his skin, feels the rise and fall of his chest, and is so grateful he decided to make the trip.
*
In the morning, Jin manages to convince Haruki to stay in bed with him, hoping Haruki will get some of the rest he needs. They doze, the quiet settling itself around them like a comfortable blanket, Haruki's hand cupping Jin's cheek as he smiles at him.
Eventually they get up, Haruki making them breakfast. Jin tries not to look at the time, knowing that it is slipping away from them. They end up back in bed after they've eaten, everything more languid this time around.
They take their time getting cleaning up afterwards too, and when they finally leave to get lunch, it's late in the day. Haruki gives him a short tour of the main part of the town afterwards, and walks him to the train station.
"Thank you," Haruki says when they have to part, and even though there's other people around, Jin briefly takes his hand in his own.
*
VIII
Months later, they're invited back to Kotani and Honda's for dinner. This time, Nozue and Togawa are invited too. Haruki sits next to Jin on one of their couches, his arm resting on the backrest behind Jin. Jin tunes out the conversation around him as he stares out the window.
It's summer now. The garden is brimming with life, lush and green with flowers of different colors blooming throughout it. On the path leading to the pottery workshop, there's an arched trellis that he didn't notice when they were here in the winter. It's covered in vines with white flowers that make him think of the decor he imagined for his and Haruki's wedding.
For the first time in a long time, he tries to picture what their wedding could look like. In his mind's eye, he and Haruki are still in white suits and black ties, and the ceremony is still taking place by the sea, but the rings on their fingers are the matching ones Haruki got for them, the ones Haruki still doesn't know he found.
The crowd gathered to celebrate them has changed more dramatically. His parents aren't there anymore. Nemoto and Kento are there but their image is faded. Their coworkers and Haruki's mom are likewise washed-out, but Kotani, Honda, Nozue, and Togawa are there, bright and colorful and cheering them on.
It's not what he ever thought the crowd at his wedding would look like. The people he wanted to be there the most aren't there, not really, not in the way that matters to him. At the same time, there are people attending, who mean the world to him, who didn't even exist in their lives a year ago.
Haruki shifts next to him, bringing him back to the present. Overwhelmed by the emotions he's feeling, Jin scoots closer to him, pressing against Haruki's side and leaning his head onto his shoulder.
This is not his usual behavior when there are eyes on them, but these are not eyes he needs to fear. He's surrounded by friends who know what he and Haruki are to each other, and who care about them more because it.
It's a marked contrast to the fear of rejection he's carried for years -- a stark difference to the disappointment he feels towards the people he thought were the only friends and family he would ever have.
This isn't a future Jin could've imagined for himself. Haruki's arm drops down onto his shoulder, and when he looks over at Jin, his mouth curving into a soft smile, Jin thinks maybe it's a better one.