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"I love you," Matthew whispers his confession with a gentle kiss on Taerae's head.
Taerae shifts in place, moving away from the comfort of Matthew's chest as his pillow.
The confession has been a long time coming; they've been skirting around it, waiting to finally say it and make it all set in stone. Matthew's timing was just right. It's not grand or dramatic, just an honest confession between them.
He sits up to face Matthew, tucking his legs under the blanket. Matthew follows suit, sitting up to face him too. Their knees rest against each others' underneath the fleece.
Taerae sees pure love in Matthew. He doesn't doubt Matthew's words. That's the crux of it all, really. Matthew loves Taerae, yet:
"You love others too, don't you?" Taerae smiles, fiddling with Matthew's fingers resting on Taerae's thigh.
"What do you mean?" Matthew asks with no judgement. His fingers find their way to intertwine with Taerae's.
"How am I different from the other guys you love?" Taerae asks, afraid to hold eye contact with him.
Matthew thinks carefully. He's teetering a dangerous line of hurting Taerae and being honest with him, but with the love in his heart and the sincerity of his words, he'll say his part.
"How I love you… How I love others… I think I can answer that with different questions." Matthew exhales a short laugh and a sly grin. "Who, what, when, where, and why I love."
Taerae squeezes Matthew's hand. He should be annoyed, he wants to berate him for not going straight to the point, but he likes it. "Tell me about them then," he smiles, letting Matthew begin his stories.
Who I loved was a perfect man, my ideal type, and someone I thought I could only have in my dreams. I met Jiwoong at the same time as you, and we got close really quick.
Before the cameras began rolling, Jiwoong approached Matthew with an attempt to befriend him. They ate together during camp meals and Jiwoong did his best to be a warm and inviting older figure to Matthew. He'd make use of his height and wrap an arm around him, he would allow Matthew to shrink and cozy up in his body heat. He'd check in on Matthew even when they weren't teammates anymore. He was patient with Matthew who had so much to learn about himself, the industry, and his changing views on his reality.
Matthew would also find himself in the laundry room of the Planet Camp with Jiwoong guiding him through each deepening kiss, high pitched whine, pull of thin cloth, drag of cologne, and giggle shared on each others' mouths.
"Baby, do you feel better?" Jiwoong rasped against Matthew's eager lips.
Matthew nods his head briefly before rushing to find Jiwoong's lips again. His knees weakened with the way Jiwoong pushed into him, his warm wet tongue sliding against his and the grounding weight of his hand on the skin of Matthew's waist.
They didn't have a lot of time to hog up the laundry room, nor did the laundry room have a door or lock. If anyone actually needed to wash their clothes, Matthew and Jiwoong's little moment was not the priority in the luxury of the camera-less room.
Jiwoong removed Matthew's jacket from his shoulders and Matthew broke their kiss. He looked up at Jiwoong with worried eyes. Jiwoong smiled down cockily at Matthew, before wrapping the arms of the jacket around Matthew's hips and tying it on his front.
"I saw one of the guys pass by. Go shower in my room, Gyuvin's in your room with Seowon. I'll use the bathroom after you," Jiwoong ordered, directing his head at the now empty hallway.
Matthew obeyed. Jiwoong was so confident with his instructions, he didn't think there was any reason to do anything else otherwise. The weight of his crotch was heavy once he was out of Jiwoong's space, and the sleeves of his windbreaker spared his dignity as he walked back to his shared room.
The cold water ran down his body—it woke him up back to the reality without Jiwoong sparing him from his own head. The next day, he had to spearhead his team in practice again, and Jiwoong would be his right hand as he attempted to lead his team for the dual position mission.
He was making his dreams come true with a dream man to come with it.
"Are you okay?" Jiwoong asked, walking in the darkness of Matthew's room. Seungeon and Yujin opted to stay in Jiwoong and Hanbin's room for the time being.
Matthew stayed silent, thinking about hiding under the covers. Maybe Jiwoong would get the hint. But his words wanted so badly to spill out at Jiwoong's very question, so he faced him.
"I felt betrayed," he said flatly, but his eyes glowed to Jiwoong like a fox in a dark forest ready to bare his teeth. Jiwoong saw him like a kit needing shelter.
"I was thinking about whether or not I should approach you today, but regardless I owe you an apology," Jiwoong admitted.
Even when Matthew was immature and unreasonable, Jiwoong cared for him. He allowed Matthew to express himself, putting his head down to be the bigger person for the boy he loved. Matthew was free to sulk and to finally be honest, even when the honesty wasn't cute or pretty. Jiwoong would always find him cute and pretty, he'd hold him close and tell him it's alright. He'd apologize, confront, and fix it for them both, like the responsible man he is.
He hugged Matthew after receiving forgiveness. His heart swelled at the light laugh he missed so much from Matthew's lips.
He found comfort in Jiwoong, confiding in him and wanting him. It felt like love.
"I wanted him too," Taerae scoffs.
Matthew's eyes crinkle in a delighted grin. "Who didn't?"
"You lucky bastard," Taerae shakes his head and he continues to listen to Matthew.
Everyone wanted Jiwoong, and Matthew was lucky to be the one Jiwoong wanted back.
No, not luck. He was exactly who Jiwoong wanted back. Jiwoong wanted to delicately love Matthew. He saw an innocence in Matthew that he hoped he could preserve and care for. He loved him in the way he wanted love to be: warm, accommodating, yet responsible. The two were the very picture of an ideal love fueled by desire and drive.
Matthew found himself sharing a dorm room with Jiwoong and Yujin once they moved into their new dorm building. The couple didn't do any funny business, at the very least not with Yujin around, but living with Jiwoong gave Matthew every reason to get closer with his hyung.
"You're so cute," Jiwoong would coo at his every action, and Matthew ate it up. Who wouldn't be so convinced with any word someone as charming as him would say? He always knew what to say, and he always said it with a floral quality to it. It's almost like Jiwoong knew that he was building Matthew back up, finding and creating any of the confidence he slowly lost and making him more beautiful than he once began.
Jiwoong was a perfect man to Matthew. He is still a perfect man in Matthew's eyes. He is kindhearted, sensitive, attractive, charming, handsome, every good word in the dictionary and thesaurus. He was the pinnacle of an ideal, and an ideal that Matthew was able to experience.
"Hyung, what's wrong?" Matthew asked from his spot on Jiwoong's chest.
Jiwoong composed himself for a second and flashed his charming grin. He ran his fingers through Matthew's hair, petting him like it would smoothen any thought in Matthew's head. "Nothing you have to worry about, baby." He planted a kiss on his forehead and guided him back into a comfortable cuddle.
"You know I'm here for you, right?" Matthew hums, muffled againt Jiwoong's pec.
"Of course, baby."
"Can't you trust me just this once?!" Matthew broke. It all built up; the fatigue of debuting, the surmounting support and hate, the threats to their security, the way everything they do is under a microscope, all of it was getting to Matthew. All he wanted was to support his boyfriend too.
"Matthew-ya," Jiwoong stayed calm. He knew all of this. He saw it all coming through his own experiences and all his friends in the industry. This was a given. "It's okay, let it out."
"I am! What are you doing?" He spat back.
"Baby, calm down. You're stressed," Jiwoong coaxed, reaching over to embrace Matthew. He wanted to ground him back to reality, but this was Matthew's reality.
Matthew saw the bruise on Jiwoong's hip from falling in dance practice. Jiwoong's snores have gotten louder with the lack of rest. He could barely convince Jiwoong to sit down and share a meal with him. And Matthew has to deal with Jiwoong shushing him, petting him, quieting him, and all of it working.
Matthew gave up. He went limp in Jiwoong's arms and he exhaled out of his nose.
"Very good, baby. It's okay, this will all be okay soon. I'm right here."
They heard knocking on their door. Jiwoong let Matthew sit down on his bed while he answered it. They were greeted with Hanbin taking up the doorframe and Hao in tow. Matthew could hear everything, it made him feel like a kid.
"I heard Matthew yell, what's going on?" Hanbin asked, Matthew shrunk in on himself. He couldn't face the door.
"He's stressed from everything. I think he'll be okay, unless you think he'd prefer your company," Jiwoong explained. The light from the hallway shifted and Matthew assumed that Jiwoong motioned over to him.
"And you?" Hao spoke to Jiwoong. Hanbin walked over to Matthew. Matthew didn't speak and Hanbin didn't force him to.
"What about me?" Jiwoong replied to Hao.
"Are you holding up, hyung?" It was gentle. To Jiwoong, it was pity.
"Aish, that's nothing for you to worry about," Jiwoong reassured with a confident grin. Hao wasn't convinced, but Hao also knew he had no power to sway him.
"I'm the leader and your friend, of course I'm worried," Hanbin piped up from beside Matthew.
"And I'm your boyfriend," Matthew yelled in his head.
"We'll talk another time. Thanks Hanbinnie, Hao." Jiwoong finally relented and he took his spot on Matthew's side. Hanbin stood up after giving Matthew a reassuring pat on his back.
Matthew felt the insult line his throat and stomach. He stayed silent the rest of the night. He knew anything else that would come out of him would be laced with thick anger and venom. Neither of them needed that.
Jiwoong started patting Matthew's hip, lulling him to sleep. With a kiss on the top of his head, he whispered sweet nothings to his baby. "I love you, Matthew. Things are uncertain now, but that will never change. I love you." His hand continued to pat a slow rhythm, and Matthew chose to sleep.
He couldn't say it back.
Matthew was always there for Jiwoong. And that's exactly where he stood with Jiwoong. He was there, and not much else.
They broke up after a month of stagnancy.
"I don't think we should continue this, us, anymore," Matthew said.
"What's wrong, baby? We can still fix this," Jiwoong offered. Matthew could see the sting and shock in Jiwoong's face.
"I know you can," Matthew held his hand, his palm looks extra small against Jiwoong's hand. "But I can't do the same for you."
He still loves Jiwoong and Jiwoong still loves him. The breakup only truly stings when either of them delve into it, but it was true and necessary.
They didn't try to fix it. They love each other enough to know this was not the relationship that needed fixing, it was a relationship that needed growing.
Matthew grew with Jiwoong and in his growth, he was mature enough to know that it was the right thing to do.
Jiwoong helped Matthew grow, and he was mature enough to accept the end of their relationship. He's proud to see Matthew take care of himself, it's what he wanted for him after all.
With Jiwoong, I love who he is, and he deserves someone who would love him the same.
"That was the first time we ever saw you so mad," Taerae shares.
"You saw that?" Matthew looks surprised.
"Matthew, we all lived in one dorm separated into 4 rooms. Did you think we were deaf?" Taerae scoffs, and Matthew accepts his naiveté. "I was… We were worried about you. You were so well adjusted, until we heard you that night."
"I would've thought you'd think I was some moody kid, especially after everything I did in Boys Planet," Matthew reasons.
"You? No way. To me you were," perfect. Happy, optimistic, likeable, friendly, kindhearted, yet professional, grounded, and honest. "…alright. And then you weren't. It felt like a reality check."
"I got better after a while!" Matthew defends and Taerae laughs at his voice pitching up. "Much better, really."
"Better how?"
Matthew settles back into his seated position. "Sorta like… him,"
What I loved was my best friend. I have years full of the purest love just from being with Hanbin. He met all my expectations; I know what love is because of him.
Without any question or doubt, Hanbin met Matthew and took him in under his careful wing. It was never out of pity; he saw Matthew and he knew he found forever in him. He could feel it. Matthew could feel it too.
Matthew fell in love with his best friend. It's an inevitable fate for two ambitious boys who had to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Even with all the changes, all the rejections, and all the hardships—they had each other. It was only natural to love Hanbin because Hanbin oh so loved him.
They were perfect for each other. It was the romantic story of two young guys meeting in the midst of chasing their dreams. When everything could go wrong, they were what was right.
It all worked out. Together, they were a perfect fit. They both had similar hobbies and interests, other than dance they were crafty and adventurous. They bonded over their favorite animes, idols, and video games. They were in the same company and they were both in the lineup for a predebut boy group. They finally had a shot at their dreams with each other.
"Hyung, I love you."
"I love you too!" Hanbin pinched his cheek, and Matthew had to lay it on thicker.
"No, hyung. I love you more than… as a friend."
"I…" Hanbin paused and assessed the situation. His ears were still turning red and his chest pounded at the realization dawning on him. "I'm not sure."
"It's okay!" Matthew immediately reassured, letting go to Hanbin's hand. The risk of his brash confession crashed into him then and there. "It's okay."
"But we can try. There's no harm in trying." Hanbin held his hand again, giving his knuckle a gentle kiss. "I'll always love you back."
There's harm in trying. But, he trusts Hanbin and himself in making it as harmless as possible.
There it began, they were boyfriends. They did everything they could with their circumstances to be good boyfriends while balancing their training.
Hanbin spoiled Matthew in private. He loved treating him out and doing things for him. Matthew would come home to his bed carefully tidied with his stuffed toys tucked in. He often found his water bottle already filled up before he could leave the dorm for morning lessons. He would receive small trinkets on random from Hanbin. He'd feel a soft kiss on his forehead after dozing off on Hanbin's lap. He would be on his way to exit the classroom of his language lessons and his bag is already on Hanbin's left shoulder.
Matthew was Hanbin's little prince. And prince Matthew sought out for his muse.
Hanbin had playlists dedicated to him, songs about him, for him, or related to him. He received cheers and encourangement texts all the time, all with lovely typos and almost-there translations. Hanbin was brought to different dates, new places, activities together, and time to be alone.
They looked for hidden spots and plotted the right timeframes to make out. Heavily petting each other under the covers of their 4-man dorm room or Hanbin's childhood bedroom. They'd sneak in enough touches under tables and in practice. Their longing touches that want to show off how much they care, but end up weighing more and more with each graze.
It was a secret relationship, a trial run that never got past all the tests.
When he heard heeled footsteps in the hallway, Hanbin stepped away from their kiss and he dropped Matthew's hand. He knew the exact rhythm of the cutthroat trainer's steps and he knew exactly when to grab Matthew's hand again. But, Matthew's hand was already in his pocket by the time Hanbin reached out and no amounts of pecks would get Matthew back into the mood.
Matthew reached over to squeeze the inside of Hanbin's thighs, while the rest of their roommates snored in bed. The other trainees didn't care that they'd sleep on the same bunk, it's no problem at all. Until it became a problem with Hanbin fighting the blood rushing to his crotch, his grip stopping Matthew's wrist, and the confusing feeling of distaste and desire to have Matthew on him and getting caught nutting in a room full of other trainees. Hanbin declined Matthew's advances and they both eventually went to sleep. Hanbin slept with an uncomfortable hard-on and a woke up feeling groggy and heavy.
Hanbin lowered his head when one of the trainers found his performance to be subpar. He heard it all: he's too old to give anything but 100%, it's either he goes all in or he gets out, the condescending offer of staying as a dancer instead of his dreams of being an idol. It was humiliating to hear the comments in front of the rest of the trainees who respected him; it was humiliating to hear it with Matthew in the same room. Hanbin peeked at the mirror and all he could see was Matthew fuming in his place, he looked ready to speak up or fight. They caught each others' eyes in the mirror and Hanbin shook his head at him, and Matthew sat still to stew in his anger. That was all he could do for Hanbin. 'What was that about? You're just going to let that happen?' 'I don't want to fight, them and you, Seokmae.' And Matthew didn't.
After a call with his family, Matthew stayed outside the dorm building for fresh air. Hanbin knew he was on call with his family, but he felt compelled to look for him. He found Matthew sitting on one of the steps of the fire escape, staring at nothing in particular with his phone in hand. Hanbin racked his brain and did what he could to help him. He held Matthew's hand and pulled him to get on his feet to join him for a free dinner (his treat!) and maybe sneak out for an hour at the PC bang. Matthew let go and politely declined with an apology, excusing himself that he's too tired to go out. Hanbin walked Matthew to the dorm and he gave Matthew his space. He gave him a kiss, and Matthew didn't move—he accepted the kiss without kissing back. Hanbin took the cue and instead called for the two other roommates to join him out for dinner (not his treat) to give Matthew some privacy for a few hours.
They had a monthly evaluation as an 8-member trainee group. Hanbin and Matthew both had notable parts and they were greatly complimented by the trainers and mentors and they could feel each other radiating with every comment towards them. They bowed to the staff and they all filtered out to leave the boys cheering among themselves in the room. Their dreams were getting closer and closer. Hanbin and Matthew held each other close, and they felt their hearts soar in pride.
"I want to debut with you, Seokmae," Hanbin sighed into his sweaty hair.
"We will. I have no doubts about it," Matthew muffled to his damp neck.
That was all they needed. They needed each other; they were happy to be with each other.
On a Tuesday afternoon, now that they both don't have any training schedules, companies, or concrete near-future plans anymore, they set a date at a nearby park.
After four months of trying, it was due time for them to accept their impending breakup.
Matthew was afraid of breaking up, even if he knew they needed to. He was going to lose his best friend, but he'd rather lose him with clarity than grow to resent him. Hanbin didn't deserve a half baked version of Matthew, and Matthew as his boyfriend was the worst person he could be to Hanbin. This was the harm in trying, and Matthew had to accept it. Matthew struggled to find the right words—the words that would end his friendship with Hanbin.
"Matthew, you know I love you, right?" Hanbin looked around and when the coast was clear, he held Matthew's hand.
"Of course. I love you too," Matthew focused his eyes on Hanbin's face. He didn't realize they were unfocused in the first place. His fingers were unconsciouly intertwined with Hanbin's fingers already.
"I told you I will always love you, and I still mean it." Hanbin's thumb caressed Matthew's. He let out a shaky sigh and his grip tightened. "I think we should break up."
Matthew looked straight at Hanbin and he could feel the tremble in Hanbin's hand and the pink on the tip of his nose. He lit up, at the face of their failed romance, he laughed. Hanbin didn't know if he should feel insulted, but the bright smile on Matthew's face melted any worries he had.
A weight was lifted. They both laughed at their failures, but that's what they knew best. Trying, failing, and still being by each others' side until they find their success.
"I missed you," Matthew groaned, lightly slapping his hyung's tummy.
"When did I leave?"
"I missed you as my best friend."
Hanbin would retort, but he knew exactly what Matthew meant. "I missed you too."
Matthew tried to love him in the way he knows, but there was always something missing. No, not missing; they're both whole and complete in love. It's just never aligned for each other.
Hanbin loved him, Matthew loved him. But, they didn't meet the expectations of a romance. So, what is love?
"I wanna know, know, know, know," Taerae softly sings to himself, but Matthew still hears it.
"What is love!" Matthew sings back, breaking the serious mood.
"I'm sorry. It was right there." Taerae's ears turn pink and his smile timidly tightens at the edges of his lips.
"Don't be sorry. I sang along too," Matthew draws a question mark in the air like the song's choreography, and he points in Taerae's space to poke his nose.
Love isn't the same for everyone. I knew that, but it made sense to me when I saw it right in front of me.
Matthew was watching it and he was watching how a different love made sense. Someone new, someone different.
He made Hanbin happy, in the way that Matthew couldn't. Matthew wasn't jealous, but he was envious. Not of Hao being the one Hanbin chose, not at all. He was envious of Hanbin who finally found his match. Hanbin finally had it all, and he rightfully deserved it: he knew what love was to him, he found it, and he got it while chasing his dream.
Hao did everything sincerely, and Matthew observed him. He may be Hanbin's ex now, but he'll always be his best friend first and foremost. He had to make sure he was a good guy to his best friend; he had to make sure no one would hurt Hanbin, he should be the only one.
"What does he like?" Hao's soft and deep voice was gentle in Matthew's ears. Kuanjui was listening from the end of Hao's bed and Keita was fast asleep on his bunk.
"What do you mean, hyung?" Matthew leaned against the bunk bed ladder, he wasn't going up to his bunk any time soon.
"Does he like flirting? He seems like a shy type. Would it overwhelm him if I touched him? I didn't realize how touchy I got with him when we had solo practice together for the signal song…" Hao spoke and groaned at his own words.
The mature image Matthew saw in him morphed into one of a regular friend who has a crush on his best friend. He liked that a lot. "He likes touches. Don't worry, hyung."
"As his best friend, do you think I have a fair shot?" Hao asked and backtracked. "That's too much to ask from you, I'm sorry."
Matthew sat up and reassured Hao. "No, it's fine! He likes flirting, but he's bad at flirting back. He has an innocent flirting style, so you can push it a bit more if you want. He doesn't know when to say no, so make it worth it." He smiled at his final point. "I think you're a great shot."
Hao smiled at him, the kind that would make anyone feel cared for under his gaze. "Hanbin's lucky you're his best friend."
'You're so lucky I'm your best friend!' 'Of course, Kuanjui.' 'At least agree like you mean it!'
As the two bickered, Matthew thought about what Hao asked. He never actively thought about what Hanbin likes. Unconsciously, he's sure he did. He cared about what anyone would think, that's natural, but he never went beyond what he knew about Hanbin as his best friend. He assumed best friend Hanbin would be the same as boyfriend Hanbin, but that was never really the case; and it was the same case with Matthew.
"I like him, Seokmae. I don't know what to do."
"But you're sure about him?"
Hanbin paused and nodded meekly with his cheeks turning rosey.
Matthew held Hanbin's hand and soothed him with some caresses on his hand. "You're okay, hyung. You should go for it, no harm in trying, right?"
Hanbin snorted at the words. "You're right. There's no harm in trying." He kissed Matthew's hand and squeezed his hand happily.
Hao was careful, but also forward. He took the steps Matthew didn't think about taking. He asked questions and observed Hanbin. Even when Hao could tell Hanbin liked him back, he waited until everything was more certain. They were basically a budding couple throughout the show, but they only made it official after securing their debuts. It was a choice both of them wanted, not wanting to let their romance get in the way of their careers and dreams.
In front of Matthew, with his balcony-level front row seat, the two shining boys held hands and held each other like there was no tomorrow. Hao left a kiss on Hanbin's neck. Hanbin offered his hand to Hao as he waltzed up the stairs to his place. He proudly did it with cameras all pointed at him, confidently basking in the love he has for the boy next to him. Even when it should have scared him, even when there were staff and mentors warning him not to take the risk, he allowed himself to be seen.
Matthew applauded the two. It was a sight he sincerely knew was well deserved, both in rank and in heart.
As each day passed, it was clear how hard and fast the two fell for each other. Hanbin loved to spoil Hao and Hao revelled in it. Matthew watched his best friend feed Hao bites of yogurt by the spoonful, giving him fruit chunks from his drinks, carrying his handbags to schedules—and they both went through it all with proud smiles. Hanbin revelled in feeling helpful and in feeling wanted, and Hao gave him the attention he wanted.
Hao wasn't just a taker either. He took to heart all his observations on Hanbin, and he silently but firmly took care of Hanbin with his new role as an idol, leader, and de facto director. He stayed back to make sure Hanbin didn't overwork himself. He encouraged Hanbin to go on dates with him as a way to sway him to take breaks for himself. He would join Hanbin in meetings, his presence was a hurdle for any staff to take advantage of Hanbin's strong desire to do anything for the success of his group. Hao protected him, and he felt pride in the security he brought for him.
Hanbin found his prince in his knight, And his knight knew how to fight.
It has been over a year since their unofficial debut as a group, and everyone accepted their relationship without much problem. Every member had their fights, the kinds that didn't smooth over after a day or so, so a fight between the two lovers wasn't so farfetched of an occurence. What no one expected was how under wraps their fight would be; if they didn't all live in the same building and without Gyuvin also living in their dorm, no one would have been the wiser.
So when Hao called Matthew's phone to ask if he could come over, that was the only time Matthew was made known of their fight.
"A week?!" Matthew exclaimed after Hao gave him all the context.
"We didn't want the members to get involved. This has nothing to do with work, it has everything to do with… well, us," Hao explained. "I want to make it up to him, but I'm still mad at him. Fuck, Matthew, how do you deal with him when he gets like this?"
"I couldn't," Matthew laughed. "And you know that."
"I really forget you two dated," Hao giggled. "How did you smooth things over with him? What did you do?"
"Looking back at it, we never fought," Matthew hummed. "He didn't let me in and I never pushed, so we didn't even reach the point of fighting. Huh, I never thought about that."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up past wounds," Hao apologized, a little confused with his own words. What wounds were there to bring up when there was no fight?
"No, this is good. I think I'm glad you two are fighting, weirdly enough," Matthew hoped Hao would hear him out. It wasn't the best phrased hook. "He's been more honest ever since he met you. He was always honest, but now he's honest about himself too."
"I'm glad." Hao physically relaxed, the tension on his shoulders sinking naturally.
"Hanbin loves quality time. Don't allow him to distract himself more than he probably already is," Matthew recommends. "He'll come around, especially for you."
"I was going to invite him for dinner with my mama, but we haven't spoken outside of work." Hao bit his nail, realizing the severity of his words. "That's too much, huh?"
Matthew thought about it for a while. "I won't lie, it's a lot. That would be way too much for anyone else. But knowing Hanbin, I think it just might work," Matthew sighed. His best friend sure was a lot of work. He loved him for it.
Hao squeezed Matthew's bicep and thanked him, he didn't want Matthew stressing over any more than this. He gave him a chaste kiss on the forehead in gratitude.
"And how has your heart been doing?" Hao asked, directly facing Matthew. He was done with his own business, but that didn't mean he was just going to leave. Hao was there too throughout all of his relationship with Jiwoong, just as much as the rest were.
"It's been…" Matthew didn't know what to say. Something about Hao: it was hard to lie to him. "It's doing its best."
"Unsolicited advice, even if your heart is doing its best, you need to see your best friend too." Hao smiled gently. "Hanbinnie misses you."
"I… But…" It was never any use arguing with Hao. "I will. Thanks."
"Love you, Matthew." Hao stood up and made his way out of Matthew's door.
"Heh. Love you, hyung," Matthew muttered. Hao didn't even hear it.
Matthew received a text update the next day, a forwarded photo of the two of them in the car. They wore face masks and had an obvious gap of space between them. 'You were right. Thank you Matthew, really.'
His dorm's keypad beeped and Hao knocked on his door. He showed off a plastic bag full of takeout food.
"I brought some home for you. Thank you again, I appreciate it. Let me make it up to you." Hao placed the food on Matthew's table and Matthew stood up to greet Hao properly with a hug.
"You didn't have to do all this. Thanks, hyung." Matthew smiled, happy to smell the waft of food from the containers. "As long as you two are okay, that's all that's important. There's nothing to make up for."
"I still will."
Before Matthew could disagree, Hao blew him a kiss and waved.
On their next schedule, Hao's name was on the morning schedule of hair and makeup while Matthew's name was on Hao's slot at the end of the makeup list. Matthew had the luck of a few more minutes to nap, a few minutes to take his time, and the luxury of seeing how everyone else was styled.
Only after the group gathered together to listen to the producer's directions did it occur to Matthew that this was Hao's small way of making it up to him. He didn't have to, but he still did.
I had to figure out what love is to me. I've seen what love Hao has for Hanbin. I don't know if Hanbin sees it, but through Hao I see love as something confident, sincere, subtle, and so stubborn.
And in seeing my best friend so in love and so loved, what I love is Hanbin: my best friend unconditionally.
"If Hanbin is your what," Taerae clarifies with a serious tone.
"Yes?"
"Then is Hao hyung your…"
"Don't say it."
"How hyung."
"I'm not continuing this anymore," Matthew closes his eyes, lying back in bed and taking the blanket from Taerae's gets to cover his torso. All Taerae can see is his exaggerated pout with a smile he can't fight off.
"No, we're already so far in! I'll be quiet, I'll be quiet!" Taerae laughs, pulling the blanket to expose Matthew to the chill of their room.
Matthew squeaks at the cold. He sits back up with a laugh.
When I loved was before our first comeback. I was still young and naive, but I had the independence to do everything what I wanted. It was with Gunwook and Gyuvin that made me feel so young yet so capable of loving.
Matthew had a few months to adjust to his life as an idol. He was happy to struggle here, after all it was everything he was working so hard for. He was beginning a new, completely different chapter in his life at the young age of 21. And that was exactly it: he was only 21. And now, he was single.
He was on his fifth month with a steady contractual payment and a hopeful comeback awaiting him. He safely spent his money without worries, only buying little luxuries that he deserved. He had a grasp of his responsibilities and his influence to his fans and to the general public, no matter how big or small he may be in their eyes. As early as age 21, he found security and stability where he was, finally getting a grasp of himself and his stature.
He was experiencing his life as a rookie idol. And well, he was also on his second heartbreak still looming in him.
See, Matthew didn't cry often. But just that once, he let it out in front of Gyuvin. Behind the safety of Gyuvin's closed door, Matthew cried and Gyuvin cried along with him.
Matthew had to admit Gyuvin blubbered cutely. He himself was a silent crier, he spoke with his voice breaking and his tears falling, almost as if his cries are a separate action from his words.
"We needed to break up, and I'm happy he and I are still in good terms. I don't feel like an obligation and he shouldn't feel responsible for me anymore. We're doing even better now, but it's hard, you know?" He wiped off the snot falling down his philtum. "I couldn't get it right with Hanbin or Jiwoong. I don't want to treat the breakup like it was worse than it actually was, but something about it still hurts even if I wanted to call it quits," Matthew vented with his cheeks were red and damp. "Maybe I'm not suited for love."
"Matthew hyung," Gyuvin wailed and drawled, weakly slapping him in frustration. "Don't you dare say that!"
He needed help and he wanted advice. He went down the roster of his friends and it wasn't looking too good for a while. All his friends outside the group were busy or unavailable, and his members consisted of his still-fresh ex, best friend and ex, his best friend and ex's current boyfriend, two friends he was still getting close to, Gyuvin… yes! Perfect!
Gyuvin looked out for him and he knew how to do it. He wasn't even 20 yet, but he's had experiences in the past and he had his own hopes for his present. He had girlfriends and boyfriends, heartaches and fondness—all of which helped him empathize with Matthew.
They spent the afternoon sitting on Gyuvin's floor. Ricky was invited to hang out with some other friends and Gyuvin made the first step to reach out to Matthew as well. It was an unexpected hangout for the two of them, and it was one they both needed.
"Do you want to date around?" Gyuvin asked as his tears calmed down.
It's a lie to say he was concerned about a dating ban. No one listens to a dating ban, everyone just keeps their secrets. So Matthew looked for an excuse, a better lie for now.
"I'm not ready to date," Matthew sighed. He's thought about it, but it left a sour taste in his mouth with how recent the breakup was. "It's too soon."
"So you do still want to date, just not now."
Matthew stayed silent. He didn't want to answer.
"And when will you be ready again?"
Matthew stayed silent again. He didn't have an answer.
"Oh, hyung." Gyuvin huffed out his nose and draped himself on Matthew, his long arm wrapping his shoulder in a loose hug. "Give it some time, but two breakups shouldn't stop you from pursuing love. We have to make these mistakes. Live a little."
"I'll do my best."
After two months, Matthew found himself at the recording studio lounge waiting for his turn to sing his parts. Hanbin proudly showed off and old photo he had with Matthew to the rest of the members on the couch. Jiwoong got closer to Matthew's space as he listened to Matthew happily explaining the origins of the photo to his hyung. As the wait passed, Gunwook was by his side squeezing his biceps in satisfaction. There, Matthew was comfortable, and he was happy, and he was still so loved.
On the next recording day, Jiwoong laughed with Matthew, their hands still naturally reaching over to touch each others' knees out of habit as they joked around. As Jiwoong teased Matthew, Gunwook sat in the gap of space on the couch between Jiwoong and Matthew. He found himself sinking lower and lower in his seat, leaning his warm cheek on the skin of Matthew's knee through his ripped jeans. The hum of Gunwook's throat tickled Matthew's knee, and Matthew's hand gravitated to pet Gunwook's head. He could feel Gunwook melt on him as he continued to practice his lines. Matthew's own arm wrapped around Gunwook's wide back, cradling him like its second nature.
Gunwook made small moves and it got more and more frequent as time passed. His hands reached under Matthew's sleeve, sliding through the expanse of Matthew's skin. He bracketed Matthew's frame, holding him from behind like it was nothing. He'd invite Matthew to sit on his lap in place of an available chair. He wanted him, and it was getting obvious. And Matthew let him, he even flirted back.
Over "friendly" dates, they would fight over the bill. Matthew made the excuse that he's older, and Gunwook rebutted with how Matthew never completely respected Korean age seniority. They tiptoed out of the dorm building for late night plans, forgetting that they don't have trainers and managers on their backs anymore. In the practice room, they were glued to the hip until the music starts and they performed like there's no thread tying Gunwook back to Matthew once they call for a break.
Matthew was charming—he'd admit that himself—and Gunwook was charmed. It felt good to finally feel the affections he's been long wanting, the outward and proud displays of affection that screams attraction. Gunwook wrapped himself around Matthew, and if anyone commented or looked at their direction, he held on even tighter.
In theory, everything fell into place with Gunwook.
They were walking home from a dinner date and their fingers intertwined loosely. Out of impulse, Matthew kissed the knuckle of Gunwook's hand.
"I like you, hyung," Gunwook confessed. He stood tall beside Matthew, but his pink cheeks and shaky voice made him small. "I don't need you to like me back, and we don't even have to date. I just want my intentions clear: I want to win you over. This isn't all purely friendship to me, I hope you understand."
Gunwook talked a lot, and Matthew knew that he only really rambled when he couldn't think straight. He made sure not to let go of Gunwook's hand.
"It doesn't just feel like friendship to me either," Matthew sighed. "But I don't think I can completely reciprocate it just yet."
"That's fine with me," Gunwook smiled. With a weak breath, he took a few more steps closer. With all the courage in his body, he found Matthew's eyes and faced him properly. "Is it fine with you?"
"Please, keep going," Matthew finally laughed, and Gunwook leaned in to give Matthew a kiss on the cheek. He was a breath away from his lips, and Matthew didn't know where he wanted it to go.
They walked home in a comfortable silence. Only when Gunwook reached the door to his room did he let go of Matthew's hand.
Matthew found himself on the floor of Gyuvin's room again. "I don't know."
"And neither does he," he replied easily from behind a pile of unfolded clothes. "You'll only know if you try. Plus, not to air out dirty laundry, but he's never dated before."
Matthew ignored how Gyuvin was literally and figuratively airing out dirty laundry. "That scares me."
"Everything about dating again scares you."
"I don't want to mess this up. I got lucky with Hanbin and Jiwoong, I can't risk it going bad with Gunwook."
"You're thinking too much, so I'll give you one more thing to think about: if you don't take this risk now, when else will you? What's the difference between now and next year? Getting smarter and wiser doesn't come with age, it comes with what you do in those years."
Gyuvin continued to fold his clothes, and Matthew flopped on his floor groaning at his dilemma. Ricky entered his room to see the view and he stepped over Matthew to begrudgingly help hang some laundry.
He left the two to their own devices. He opened the door to Hao greeting him. "Hi hyung, is Gunwookie still awake?"
Gunwook waved from bed and Hao took the hint to give the two some time alone again.
"I like you too," Matthew immediately said. "I'm a little nervous to date again, but I don't want you—us—to wait."
"I've never done this before. I hope that's okay with you," Gunwook smiled up at him. He looked relaxed and content. He was a complete 180 from the boy a few hours ago.
"I'm happy it's me, then." Matthew took a step to get closer to Gunwook. He gave him a kiss on the cheek, just like Gunwook did. He was barely an inch away from his lips.
On Jiwoong's living room couch, Gunwook and Matthew lounged around while he wasn't home. It was a perfect middle ground between Matthew's bed that's too short for Gunwook's height and Gunwook's high bunk bed that's too cramped for Matthew.
"This isn't what I expected having a boyfriend would be like," Gunwook whispered with Matthew resting on his shoulder. He was ready for Matthew to fall asleep on him, and once he began to snore he would leave for his own room.
"What did you think it'd be like?" Matthew askes, suddenly curious.
"I don't know… I thought it'd be," Gunwook paused for a bit and laughed. "Nevermind."
"What is it? You can't just say something and not finish it." Matthew whined poking on Gunwook's side.
"It's not your fault. It's really me," Gunwook's arm wrapped around Matthew's waist, almost uncertain if he could keep Matthew on his side. "I thought there'd be more to it, you know? Everything we're doing now, we did it as friends too. Except, you know…"
Matthew pinched his thigh and Gunwook yelped back into his main thought.
"It just wasn't what I expected," he concluded. His thumb mindlessly rubbed circles on Matthew's rib. "But, I'm glad I'm with you."
Matthew knew this pattern. That was him three years ago, that was him months ago, and he's doing it again as the other side. "I'll do better. We can make this work, okay?"
Gunwook nodded and smiled at the assurance. That's when Matthew heard it loud and clear. "I love you, hyung."
"I love you, Gunwookie." He whispered back, melting back into his embrace.
"That was his first time," Matthew rasps, the memory of it coming back to him.
"I did not need to know that!" Taerae grimaces, feigning mild disgust with the information. Gunwook is his good friend and he's his roomate for fuck's sake. He knows the two of them had their fair share of fucking, but Taerae doesn't need the recap of events right now.
Matthew realizes his wording and backtracks immediately. "No! Not like that!" His hands wave defensively. "I was his first confession, first boyfriend, and his first kiss! Okay, maybe I was also his first time, but—"
"Stop reminding me!" Taerae grimaces, softly babbling and covering his ears to mute out Matthew's words. He doesn't find it gross per se, honestly the image seems pretty hot, but he would rather be spared of the details at the moment.
"Okay, okay," Matthew takes a deep breath to organize his thoughts and choose his words. He pulls Taerae's hands away from his ears to rest back on his lap. "So, about that time,"
Matthew worked harder, and did more. That's the point of dating: strong feelings come with the responsibilities of preserving them. He looked for ways to brighten the relationship and Gunwook did too. They went on more elaborate dates, Matthew and Gunwook spent on gifts that the other would like, they fucked on days that their bodies could afford it, and they slept on the same bed after each days worth of trying.
Every touch was fully meant, every kiss was clear, and every date brought them closer. It was a given that any opportunity to get paired up, they were the duo. On camera, off camera, in front of crowds, and in the privacy of their own homes: that was them. The closer they got, the harder it was to take a step back and see a bigger picture between them.
It was all going well. There were no issues. They both got what they wanted. In theory, it was perfect. But theories didn't always align with reality.
Gunwook cried hard. The sight always squeezed Matthew's chest into a tight knot. His tears fell, his nose was bright red, and his tall frame trembled as he looked for comfort. "Hyung, I'm sorry."
Matthew let him calm down. His tears and snot were warm on Matthew's shoulder. "Shh, don't be. Please, don't be sorry."
"I really thought if I tried hard enough, it would make sense."
"I know. I thought so too," Matthew smiled, his own tears fell as well. His throat felt thick, like there were more words stuck that didn't want to come out. "Things don't always turn out how we think, and that's fine. We're learning."
Gunwook's hands gripped onto Matthew's back, it was a firm and shaky grasp. "Please don't hate me. I'm sorry, I don't want to ruin what we have."
"I would never hate you. When I told you I love you, I meant that. You didn't do anything wrong." Matthew comforted him, he hoped his few words were enough. His worries weren't his own, but it was all so new to Gunwook.
"You didn't do anything wrong either." Gunwook continued to sniffle and his words bubbled up. "Can we still be okay after this?"
"I don't see why we can't," Matthew smiled through his warm cheeks and ears. He remembered the comfort and relief he had with Hanbin and Jiwoong. He understood Gyuvin's acceptance to risks. He was experiencing love and life.
Matthew didn't leave Gunwook alone, but they were no longer a couple by label and relationship. Gunwook hugged Matthew tight and Matthew gave him a final kiss on his forehead. He looked at Gunwook laid on his bed, his lips naturally formed a pout and his legs curled in to compensate for his height. He's still young, he had so much more to look forward to outside of Matthew.
Gunwook's breathing finally steadied and Matthew could feel his stomach rise up his throat. It wasn't bile or anything nauseating, but it was a sharp feeling. It was a hot guilt that engulfed him from the inside. It was all a natural course of events, but it still hurt. He never wanted to hurt Gunwook, and there he was being his first heartbreak as well.
"I'm sorry about that, hyung." Gyuvin comforted in Matthew's room. He sat on Matthew's computer chair while Matthew sat on the extra stool beside him.
"No, don't be. You were right, even with my risk and us not working out," Matthew smiled. It was bittersweet, but he knew one thing was for sure, "I'm not scared of dating anymore."
Gyuvin ran a hand through Matthew's hair, petting him fondly. "You're suited for love, hyung."
"Can you do me a favor though?" Matthew asked up at Gyuvin. Gyuvin's hand paused on his head. "Please take care of Gunwook. He needs a friend."
Gyuvin smiled at the request, he couldn't help but rattle Matthew out of endearment. Man, he loves his friends.
Matthew gave Gunwook some space. He didn't want to overwhelm him with any absence, but he had to lessen his friendly affections in the meantime. Matthew was reassured with Gyuvin's presence, carefree and careful with him and those around him.
It took a good two months for things to return to almost-normal. Gunwook and Matthew flirted with no strings attached, hands littered on each others' bodies completely aware that it meant nothing more than touches on skin. They shared light laughter between them, their fondness for each other was still sincere. They knew where the other stood. They were meant for the young chase, not yet set for a destination.
When I made my mistakes with Gyuvin and when Gunwook made his mistakes with me, that was the perfect time in my life to experience love.
"I thought you two were cute," Taerae comments. "I wasn't exactly surprised seeing you two break up, but I was still sad it happened."
"What do you mean?" Matthew tilts his head in confusion. That wasn't exactly the reaction he expected from his current boyfriend.
"The month after you two broke up, it was like…" Taerae pauses and takes a sharp inhale through his teeth. "It was weird. I didn't want to get in your guys' business since thought it was because the breakup was bad. I didn't think it was because you two are so…"
"Caring? Loving? Considerate?"
"So F," Taerae nods to himself. It was the perfect description for him.
Matthew shook his head in disbelief. Of course that's how Taerae sees it.
A cloud passes by and dims the light of the sun through the curtain. Time is passing a lot faster while he tells his stories to Taerae.
Where I loved was Seoul. When we moved to our second dorm and we all got new roommates, I felt at home again when I lived with Ricky.
Matthew has lived in Seoul for almost four years by the time he'd switch dorms. It's nothing new, he'd learned how to get up and go again and again: from Canada to Seoul, from his grandma's guest room to his first, second, and third past companies' dorms, from one room to another with each new mission in the Planet Camp, from travelling country to country on tour, and from needing to move to a new company dorm for their security. He was grounded in the way he knew he was always fleeting.
Living in Korea as a Korean-Canadian was fine, it had its difficulties and struggles, but any type of change does. He still spoke Korean at home in Canada, just not at the same speed and vocabulary as everyone in Seoul did. He could find most of the same food he knows and loves from his childhood, just in hangul or sold as a different brand. He has friends in both timezones, and he struggles to find and make time for both—that's normal for any adult nowadays.
Matthew knew that thriving in Korea after everything he's been through was the best option for him. He's grown enough to accept his hardships and make it a part of life. He owed it to himself to make the most out of his deserved, yet painful, journey to success.
Ricky's house slippers lightly slapped against their wood floor, already warning Matthew of his presence. "Matthew, I think our bathroom light is broken," he complained to Matthew in English.
"What the fuck, again?!" Matthew stood up and joined Ricky to inspect the scene. He flicked on the switch and the light didn't even try to flicker at all. Matthew entered the shower to run the water to test their water heater as well. Matthew checked if it's a problem with their light or another electrical malfunction.
"Is it warm?" Ricky asked, following Matthew each step of the way.
"Yeah, we just gotta have the lightbulb changed. Again." Matthew wondered if it was worth doing now or maybe when there's daylight.
"Do you think we can ask help from hyung?" Ricky asked and grimaced with his own question. He avoided contacting that fuckass manager as much as he could.
"I think we got this. It's not like he's really our preferred line of action either," Matthew laughed pulling out his phone to shine a flashlight to illuminate the room. "Wait, help me find a flathead screwdriver and the wattage of the bulb. The screw looks janky though."
Ricky rummaged through the toolkit in their laundry room and he couldn't find a screwdriver. There was a Phillips screwdriver and an box of different lightbulb options. Each bulb came in a box with a small pamphlet of instructions and the overwhelming amount of Hangul gave them both a headache. Usually lightbulbs have English or Chinese translations, where are they now?!
"Do we call hyung?" Ricky asked again, his voice going soft. Their manager lived with them, but it's not like he actually stays in the dorm when there are no promotions. That's always been great news to them.
"That's our last option. For now, call Gyuvin," Matthew opened a Youtube video on how to unscrew a light cover, a Wikihow article on how to unscrew a screw without a screwdriver, and a Reddit post explaining lightbulb wattage and the dangers of screwing the wrong lightbulb.
Ricky stepped away to call Gyuvin for help, and Matthew could faintly hear his soft, low voice. 'Qubing, are you home? Yeah. Yeah, we need help. No, don't be scared. Our lightbulb is huài le—broken. We just need a screwdriver. Can you go to our floor? Yes, now. Thanks, bye.'
Gyuvin entered their dorm to a cute and almost pitiful scene of Matthew and Ricky seated inside their dark bathroom illuminated by an instructional Youtube video playing. The voice of an old man with an American southern accent echoed in their bathroom, showing different alternatives to unscrewing a screw. Matthew sat on the floor while Ricky propped himself on the closet toilet seat. They looked at the different lightbulbs and eyed each other with no clue what they're looking for.
Gyuvin borrowed their stepstool and asked the two to shine their flashlights on the light cover. He pulled out a screwdriver and found a good replacement bulb from those in the small box on Ricky's lap. In no time, Gyuvin replaces their bathroom light. What took the two boys almost 20 minutes of troubleshooting took Gyuvin 2 minutes tops.
"Damn. How many bisexuals does it take to change a lightbulb?" Matthew joked, and Ricky laughed immediately.
"Three; one to change the lightbulb, and the other two to call him over to change it," Ricky chuckled.
Gyuvin smiled with them in the lit bathroom. "I don't get it," he giggled in English.
Ricky explained the joke to Gyuvin in a mix of Konglish and their own language. The joke got lost once he had to explain it, but it's a step they all took to try and understand each others' humor. Matthew excused himself to go back to his room, probably giving the two best friends their space.
"Anyway, thanks Gyuving," Ricky exhaled, patting his butt. "Bye. Go back to gaming,"
Matthew could faintly hear Gyuvin giving Ricky an offer to go out for dinner. Ricky's voice was much softer, so he couldn't guess his response. Matthew did eventually hear Ricky groan and a small smack of lips and a smack of a hand presumably to a butt, and he chose to feign ignorance.
Ricky entered Matthew's room to lay on his bed while Matthew continued scrolling through his work on his PC.
"You didn't wanna join Gyuvin for dinner?" Matthew asked, still focused on his computer.
"Nah, I'm good here." Ricky stretched and got more comfortable on Matthew's bed. "I think I'm all Korean-ed out after reading the lightbulb instructions."
Matthew laughed at his cute roommate. He has to admit, he felt the same. He's usually reliable enough to handle things like that on his own, but the shared struggle was comforting. He felt that with most of the G group trainees, and he felt it the most living with Ricky. It's all in the small things that no one would realize makes them feel so foreign and out of place, but he feels just right with Ricky.
Matthew loved Ricky's company. He stood up from his PC after saving all his work and he walked towards his bed. "Get out of my bed, bro."
"You know I won't," Ricky giggled. Matthew shrugged and lay on Ricky's tummy, an act of protest for his friend who chose to not listen to his order to get out his bed.
Matthew gave him a kiss on the cheek, one that he would give often. Ricky learned that complaining would bring him nowhere, so he began to accept it as normal between them. He looked forward to it, really. It was their own special little thing.
Matthew could be a reliable friend to Ricky. He was a good friend. Not just as a hyung or as a "chingu", whatever difference that may make, but as simply as a friend. He didn't have to think about honorifics or social rules on politeness and age. He could speak at the same time he thought, and Ricky was almost the same.
When the time came that Matthew was still grounded to the dorm, and Ricky was fleeting, he had to accept it. He isn't gone for good, he's just not as easily accessible or always around like he used to be. That was reality for Matthew: he misses him, but that's the best way to know that Matthew really loved him.
There was an LA-Shanghai boy living with his favorite Canadian-Korean friend in a dingy, messy, company dorm. Both were so far away from any form of home, family, and familiarity, they bonded in a language that only they knew. In a place where they were both lost and foreign, they were home.
He's still around, he's still in Seoul too. He just moved out and moved on, to better things for him. But, there's always an empty room that Ricky once occupied. It's a room he'll always keep vacant for Ricky to visit any time.
Thanks to Ricky, I learned that I loved Seoul. I loved in Seoul.
"You should call him soon," Taerae nudges, giving him a reminder to find that small spark again. "Go buy him some gopchang or something."
"I should. No one else shares tomato egg rice with me." Matthew's thumb caresses Taerae's ankle. "But that can wait."
"I'll remind you about it later."
"Yes please!"
Matthew looked out the window. The light passed through their thin white curtains, enough to still show off the city view without feeling too exposed. He gathered his thoughts, and thankfully Taerae's still willing to listen.
Why I love was our favorite member. Yujin grew up before our eyes. He has a good head on his shoulders and a better heart in his chest; I wanted him to find love in all the ways he could.
Matthew observed Yujin from afar. Yujin went to the rest of the boys for most things: Hanbin and Hao were his de facto guardians, Gyuvin coddled him like he was his own blood, Ricky was his best friend since they've known each other the longest (and it shows), Gunwook and Taerae were his go-to hyungs for fun and improving his skills, and Jiwoong cared for him as a wise older brother both personally and in his career. So to Matthew, if he was just going to be another older brother to Yujin, then he'll be a damn good older brother to Yujin.
"Does Yujinnie have a crush?" Matthew teased Yujin in the safety of their private Airbnb in Osaka.
Yujin stayed quiet and the rest of the boys got louder with his lack of an answer. "It's not like I can do anything about it, I don't even know if they me back. Plus, there'll be rumors; I'll get distracted; I'll get in trouble..." Yujin's voice softened and only Matthew really heard his final point. '"I don't want to lose them over this."
"But you like this person, don't you?"
Everyone shut up again until Yujin said a soft 'yeah'. The rest of the boys erupted again and Matthew laughed beside him. While they waited for the commotion to subside, Matthew spoke to him firmly. "You like this person. Why stop there?"
Before Yujin could think about an answer, the other three boys swarmed him for details. Matthew joined in eventually, but he also took his step back to let the other guys coddle him to bits.
That was their dynamic; they were a comfortable symbiotic hyung-dongsaeng relationship. Yujin looked for support and advice from the rest of the guys. Matthew never wanted to act like he knew it all when he didn't, so the best he could do was to be his best and maybe Yujin could see him as a good example.
Just like at the company gym during a dead hour, they worked out together for the first time. Matthew sprayed and wiped two benches while Yujin grabbed a pair of 15kg dumbells. He did a few test curls with them, evidently shaking and losing balance as he powered through a short set.
Matthew whistled at the heavy weight. "What'll you work on?"
"My arms," he motioned at his general upper arm area and Matthew invited him to the spacious floor in front of the gym mirrors.
Matthew was already doubtful with that answer. He was expecting Yujin to be more specific with the focus: shoulder, bicep, tricep, forearm, general upper body strength, but he digressed. "Let's stretch first, then I'll join you. How does that sound?"
"Okay," Yujin agreed. It's not his first time at a gym or working out, but it was his first time working out alone with Matthew. If there's anyone whose credibility he wouldn't doubt, it's his healthiest hyung.
Yujin copied his stretches, feeling his muscles properly warm up. Matthew clapped and grabbed a pair of 7.5kg dumbells for himself and showed Yujin the proper form.
He posed in front of the mirror with his back straight but relaxed, ribcage tucked, back and core engaged, and knees slightly bent. He looked so sturdy and the weights had the perfect amount of resistance, struggle, and smoothness in Matthews hands.
Yujin grabbed his weight and copied Matthew's form. With his permission, Matthew maneuvered him around to achieve the right positions, but with one lift of the weight, his form broke. Matthew sighed a giggle and watched Yujin's expression from the mirror. Wordlessly, Yujin swallowed his pride and grabbed the pair of 5kg dumbells, and he did his first set of curls and rows alongside Matthew.
"You don't have to lift heavy to gain muscle, you know? Enough reps with proper form and lower weights is more effective than heavy weights and bad form. That's a recipe for injury."
Yujin continued to lift, finding his rhythm as he pumped. "Have you gotten injured from working out?"
"Once, yeah. I was with my sister in Canada and we went to the gym together. Our coach left us alone and I thought I could show off how strong I was by deadlifting more than I could handle. I strained my back and could barely lift for a month," Matthew recalled, grimacing with the ghost-ache on his lower back. "I think you should invest in a personal trainer if you want to work out in the long term."
"Really? I've been following Youtube videos, and it's been working so far."
"It is! Look," Matthew squeezed Yujin's flexed bicep and nodded at the firm limb. "But also, it's nice to have someone guide you. It makes it easier and ensures you don't get hurt."
"Okay," Yujin nodded, letting go of the weights after finishing his set. He watched Matthew do his 15 reps of overhead tricep extensions, and followed suit after him. Matthew did a combination of front and lateral raises, and Yujin did after. "I don't need a PT."
"Hm?" Matthew doubted that, but he won't force him. "Whatever you say, man." He shook his head and began to cool down with stretches again. Yujin stretched as well, taking more time than he ever had to cool down his body after a workout.
"You can be my PT," Yujin half joked as he grabbed his gym bag from the floor. He grabbed Matthew's as well, handing it over to him. "In a month, I'm gonna be so jacked like you." Yujin flexed again as a joke.
As much as Matthew laughed at Yujin's antics, he saw and felt the reward of his sincerity in the boy posing like a bodybuilder in front of him in the mirror.
'Matthew opened his phone the next afternoon to a few texts from Yujin.
My body is so sore.
I've worked out before, but i can FEEL my muscles today.
Why do you do this, being buff is not worth it
ㅋㅎㅋㅎㅋㅎㅋㅎ
It feels good!
👎
They didn't need to have a grand or serious dynamic together. Their relationship was built on the simple foundation of being around each other and feeling good about it.
Yujin cleared his throat. He was seated beside Matthew in the minivan while the rest of the members were still running late. "Hyung, can I tell you something?"
Matthew locked his phone and looked at Yujin. "Of course, what's up?"
"Remember back in Osaka, you called me out on not doing anything with my crush." Matthew nodded and waited for him to finish his statement. Yujin's eyes darted everywhere inside the van, all but facing Matthew. "I confessed that I had a crush on them. We aren't dating or anything yet, but they like me back. I'm glad you pushed me to do something."
Matthew had so many questions. How did Yujin do it? Does anyone else know about this? Was it scary? Did he plan to go serious? Was his crush safe and trustworthy? But only one question came out of his mouth.
"How does it feel?"
"It feels great," Yujin shyly admitted.
Matthew didn't think he knew much about love and life yet, but he knew that what Yujin felt was love in its purest.
"It does, doesn't it?" Matthew smiled and sunk into his seat. The other membets would be arriving anytime soon, but he was glad to spend that moment alone with Yujin.
"You're in love with Taerae hyung, right?"
Matthew jumped at the sudden question. He was hesitant to answer but his head nodded ever so slightly. His body moved before his mind processed it, and he slid the van door slightly closed.
Yujin smirked to himself with a shrug. "I think you should go for it. I don't know what's stopping you."
Matthew had to just laugh. After everything, all his mistakes and learnings, all his realizations and regrets, without knowing most of all Matthew has gone through, Yujin saw through him so clearly.
"My little bro is turning into a cool wonderful man."
"You're pretty cool too, hyung."
Matthew took that as his own push as well. After all, he had no reason to stop himself from loving when it felt that good. Unexpectedly, his own expression of love bounced back to him.
I saw love through Yujin. I didn't want him to be afraid of love and I didn't want him to be afraid of getting hurt. In the end, he taught me that love is more than the absence of fear, but it's also simply a good feeling. Why wouldn't I want that?
"Wait, Yujin said that to you?" Taerae asks.
"Well, yeah. I don't know how how long it would take for me to admit I love you without him spelling it out for me," Matthew smiles shyly.
Taerae is quiet, his brows furrow for a bit as if the comment bothered him. Matthew's smile fades and he immediately focuses on Taerae.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No, no, sorry. I just remembered something." Taerae shook his head to clear the memory. "So what about me? What else is left…" Taerae thinks for a bit. "Am I your how? No, you already have Hao-how hyung, even though he's a what. What else is there? How much? Would?"
As Taerae as he tries to continue Matthew's collection of stories with him in the picture, Matthew looks at him with so much fondness. Taerae is so clear in front of him. He feels like he's completely woken up and he's back in his wonderful reality with Taerae all over again.
"I don't think you're any of them."
Taerae chuckles a bit, anticipating a cheesy reply from Matthew's end.
"I have no question that I love you. You're my answer."
Taerae blushes, the sincerity laces Matthew's words and he can't bring himself to deny him the gratification of a defeated grin. Taerae was right, it was a cheesy reply, but it's the kind that Taerae loves to hear.
I love an imperfect man. You became my ideal type: being with you has been like a dream. I met you long ago, but continuing to get to know you is one of the best parts.
After an intense round of choreography practice, Taerae coughs in succession. Matthew pauses his own drink of water to hand over his own bottle of water to Taerae. When Taerae drinks from it, he can feel the thickness of his swallow and he knows that warning sign of his worsening cold like a bright, blaring, siren. His brows furrow and he takes a sigh. He should go on vocal rest while it's early. He'd rather be sick now than during promotions.
Matthew tries to grab the bottle from him, but Taerae fights to hold onto it. "Get a new bottle," he whispers sharply.
"Excuse you, that was mine. It's fine, we all share, come on." Matthew is persistent. Worse for Taerae, Matthew is also strong.
The bottle found its way to Matthew's hand and he receives a childish taunt from Matthew with his lips pursed in a satisfied grin.
"Fine," Taerae said louder. He'll begin his vocal rest on another hour. "If you get sick, that's your fault."
Matthew lowers the bottle from his lips, and he looks shocked at the statement. "You're sick?"
"Don't worry about it, it's not that bad." Taerae brushes off. "But I don't want you catching it."
"Don't tell me not to worry about you," Matthew rolls his eyes, handing the bottle back to Taerae. "Drink a bit more, maybe you can sweat it out too."
Taerae laughs at the change in demeanor. It's really not that bad, but he appreciates it. He takes another swig of Matthew's water and crosses over the practice room to grab a disposable face mask and a fresh bottle of water for Matthew.
"Here," he throws it lightly at him. "Now you can't complain that I took yours."
Taerae knows he's initiating a shallow round of bickering, probably enough to actually aggravate his throat, but it's alright. That's them, they argue, bicker, and disagree, but it's always rooted in an implicit respect for the other. The fights never go beyond the shallowness of what he wants.
Matthew waits for Taerae in his room. Taerae's room is warm when he keeps his door closed, but it's never a problem. Taerae is fresh from his shower, clad in a tank top and a tattered pair of boxer shorts. He stands to hold Taerae in a sweet embrace, nuzzling the side of his neck from behind. His own bare arms stick to the thin layer of sweat, condensation, and lotion on Taerae's skin.
"Did you wait for me?" Taerae asks, his hands finding their way to Matthew's bicep near his chest.
He can feel Matthew's nod on his own neck. The tip of his nose tickles with the up and down motion.
"Good, I was going to wait for you too," Taerae hums, stroking the skin of his arm. Matthew lets himself indulge and he lifts his chin to plant kisses down the side of Taerae's neck.
Taerae turns around to give Matthew a better reach on him. He also makes use of the position to take his fill of Matthew as well and roam his fingers under Matthew's shirt.
"Feels good?"
"Yes, always," Taerae rasps.
They drop onto Taerae's bed. They continue to make out, Taerae's hips grind on Matthew's thigh. Matthew's knee raises to put pressure on Taerae's crotch. Taerae's high whines are loud enough to cause a complaint and that urges Matthew to keep going.
There's a loud knock on Taerae's door. 'Just letting you know, we can hear all of it,' Gunwook's voice calls from behind the door. Matthew snickers at the thought of bothering Gunwook and Taerae groans at the interruption.
Taerae stands up and opens the door to find Gunwook nowhere to be found. He sighs and returns to Matthew, straddling his hips and sinking down back to kiss him.
"Taerae," he points out the ajar door.
"Nothing he doesn't know anymore." He can feel the wave of cold air conditioning from the outside. "Hurry up, I want you."
Matthew pulls him in with a smile. If he notices any figures pass by, he guesses he just has to put on a show.
Matthew wakes up from his nap on the couch to find a few more members in the practice room. He slept pretty well that day, but he could use a few more minutes of shut eye. The ruckus of squeaky shoes and excited voices chatting away is enough to properly wake him up and get into practice mode.
Jiwoong takes notice of him trying to wake up and he finds it cute enough to coo at. Matthew's cheeks are still puffy and he scratches his eyes with his hand barely forming a fist.
"Matthew, you really look like a cute baby," Jiwoong coddles, helping him stand up from the couch.
Hanbin is near enough to join in and fix Matthew's hair. "Baby Matthew," he lilts happily.
Taerae observes how enamored the two hyungs are with Matthew. He couldnt help but scoff in jest. "He wishes."
"No I don't," Matthew mumbles as Jiwoong and Hanbin's hands find ways to prod at his defenseless sleepy body.
He finally wakes up properly and they get to practice. It's their regular routine, nothing to write home about. But, Matthew does still keep Taerae's reaction in mind.
They get home and Matthew can't brush off the thought of it.
"Taerae, this toy is cute!" Matthew points at the display of mini cars.
"Matthew, look at this one," Taerae focuses his and Matthew's attention on a gacha machine of 5 of Matthew's favorite Pokemon as options.
They go home with thinner wallets and bags full of fun treats for themselves.
"You're so cute," Matthew casually says as they unbox their loot. "You like toys like me, so you're cute."
"You're my toy," Taerae lilts, not sparing Matthew a glance while Matthew has to regain his bearings at his words.
Matthew comes home carrying the delivery order meant for the whole dorm. He places it on the kitchen counter and unconsciously grabs plates for everyone without being ordered to.
"Wow, my sweetie," Taerae exclaims, grateful to be on the receiving end of his caring acts.
"My honey, let's play League!" Matthew singsongs into their Discord call.
"Yes, my wife!" Taerae singsongs back.
They giggle heartily at the ping of Gyuvin unmuting his mic to loudly groan in disgust and mute again.
"Jagiya, come on, I'm sleepy." Taerae taps his foot waiting for Matthew to finish grabbing all his stuff to join him in his van.
Matthew skips over and while they walk, he notices the petname for the day. They've been enjoying using 'jagiya' the most, as of late. "I'm surprised you haven't called me baby yet."
Taerae responds unhelpfully, breaking into song. "Call me, baby, babe, call me, baby, myeot beonirado, call me, girl" He shakes his head and motions his hand to refer to Matthew as the 'girl' EXO sings about.
Matthew doesn't help the case either. "You're the one!" His voice pitches higher to match the song's melody.
They reach the van and they sit side by side at the backseat. Taerae leans his head on Matthew's shoulder, comfortably finding the right angle for a short nap during their ride home.
"I don't call you baby because you don't like it," Taerae mumbles. He doesn't care to elaborate on the fact that it's in reply to Matthew's earlier question about being called baby. 'Plus we're the same age."
Matthew reaches behind Taerae's back and uses his arm to support Taerae's weight as the car ride continues. His thumb strokes Taerae's side, lulling him to sleep.
I love who you are, and I know in my heart you love who I am too. I'm happy to be your equal.
You became the best friend I fell in love with. I knew I wanted to spend more years falling in love with you.
Matthew always found Taerae somewhere in the periphery with him. He tried to talk to him back in the Say My Name practice room, but it was cut short with the chance to change teams and there went Matthew's chance to get close with him.
So, when Taerae and him made the awkward joke in an interview admitting that they are uncomfortable with each other, the shared laugh and shy glance was enough to get them moving. Even as new friends, they worked hard to make their friendship work.
"You hate seaweed soup?" Taerae asks. Matthew nods, but his face expresses so much hate and disdain at the imaginary taste of brine and umami. "I would have never guessed."
"What happened here?" Matthew gently holds Taerae's left hand. Taerae explains his birthmark and how it peeves him to constantly explain that he's not hurt nor does he box. "Gotcha. You won't hear it from me again, at least."
"Yellow? I thought your favorite color is red," Matthew looks baffled scanning the self-profile sheet Taerae's answered.
"My favorite color is red, but yellow is the color that represents me," Taerae elaborates. That's important to him, he answered the questions properly.
"My favorite color's blue. Just so you know," Matthew shares and Taerae nods. That gets stored in his mental filing cabinet of things Matthew likes.
"Okay?" Taerae tries to act unbothered, but it doesn't show when Taerae looks for gifts on his vacation and he chooses blue items for Matthew.
Matthew receives a text from Taerae. It's a link to a Youtube video for a song he knew from years ago.
I found this song again, it reminds me of you. It suits your voice, if you ever want to cover it.
I'll check it out!
Matthew listens to the song and he looks for it on Spotify to add to his own playlist. He goes through his own playlists to find something to share back.
I think this has your vibe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPJSsAr2iu0
I want to know what vibe you think I have
i hope my vibe is the guy singing??
YES THE MUSIC
NOT THE MUSIC VIDEO!!!
IT'S THE MUSIC
I should really start sending u guys Melon links smh
the song reminds me of you
i like it ㅎㅎㅎ
Matthew laughs at their back and forth. The melody of the song Taerae sent loops in his headphones.
Matthew knows things are getting more serious with Taerae. They already established their feelings, but Matthew feels like he has more to prove. He searches for a restaurant he would like, hopefully something fancy and worth his courtship. He considers texting Hanbin (Sung and Park) in a desperate attempt to make sure he's doing things right. Surprising him with red roses might be too much, even if red is his favorite color. Would Taerae even like flowers? Is he a flower guy?
Instead of overthinking it, he leaves his room and his heavy footsteps stomp down the fire exit to Taerae's floor. He enters the passcode on the keypad and goes straight into his room.
"Do you like flowers?"
"They're okay," Taerae removes his headphones, a little frazzled by the random question.
"If I get you flowers, would you be happy about it?"
"If they're from you, sure?" He pitches up and he holds his hands up to pause Matthew's interrogation. "Wait, is this about our date?"
"Yeah," Matthew deadpans.
"You're doing too much. Don't spoil me, I'll feel like I owe you," Taerae requests, shuddering at the thought of being underprepared for his date with Matthew. "Just give me things when you feel like it, not because you should get me anything."
"Oh," Matthew listens intently. That's what happened with Hanbin, but put into words. That makes sense. "Yeah, got it."
He bought a duck keycap for Taerae a month later. It was something he's been wanting to get for Taerae for over a year or so. Taerae carries it around when he travels, and he attaches it with every keyboard setup he buys.
Hanbin called Matthew over to a lunch out at a restaurant far from the company building. They always make each other the perfect excuse to get away from their usual routine, a special reminder that they are best friends before they are coworkers.
Hanbin orders his go-to dishes, and Matthew orders something new each time. The assurance of something they'll eat and the experience of trying something new is what makes their meals so balanced.
"So you and Taerae," Hanbin eases in after a bout of silence.
"So me and Taerae," Matthew repeats.
"You love him?" Does everyone know?! …Does Taerae know?
Matthew nods lightly, but he can't bring himself to say it. "I like him, hyung."
Hanbin sighs, and he noticed the choice of words. "You know what to do," Hanbin smiles reassuringly.
"I'm going to try."
"I'm sure you will," Hanbin grins wider, dissipating any worries on Matthew's shoulders. "You have my blessing."
"Really?"
"And Hao's, and Jiwoong hyung's," Hanbin adds. So they've talked about it too. Does everyone know?! "Don't take this opportunity for granted."
"Record a duet with me. It will be fun," Taerae initiates when he was alone with Matthew at his mini-studio room.
"Me?"
"Who else?" Taerae looks around the room and finds no one else he could be referring to. He grabs his phone and begins playing a song. "Here, just try."
Taerae catches up with the incoming verse. Matthew knows the song, and he harmonizes easily with Taerae. They don't know half of the lyrics, but mumble-singing them is enough to enjoy the song.
They catch each others eyes in the small room, and it's so easy to sing along. After a few seconds, Taerae averts his gaze to close his eyes into a belt. He can sing that note without difficulty, but sustaining eye contact with Matthew sent him into a flurry.
Matthew gets on his knees to plead out the lyrics of the song. They're both into it, it's pleasant and bright. They sing without any pressure, even if they go off-key, this is a song between them. Matthew looks up at Taerae, and he loses rhythm at the moment, his lips speak before his mind can think.
"I'd wanna be next to you," Matthew says, snapping out of the performance. He catches himself and sings back the ad libs. "Right next to you."
Taerae harmonizes again, but it doesn't feel like they're singing. The song ends and Bruno Mars' popular funky track autoplays on Taerae's phone. It's out of place considering how much closer Matthew and Taerae are now and how thick and intimate the air is in Taerae's vocal studio.
"Let's do it," Matthew says softly. It may be in Taerae's head, but he could almost feel Matthew's breath against his lips.
They pull away after a second. Their cheeks both hurt from fighting their grins. If their hearts combust by the sheer force of their rapid heartbeats trying to hide from each other, at least they'll die with a smile.
You love different from me, but you do it so purely. You're confident, sincere, subtle, and so stubborn. I love you unconditionally.
When I'm with you, I feel like a young lover going through all my firsts again with you. I want to grow old with you.
I'm not afraid to make mistakes with you because I want to make us our best experience of love.
Taerae isn't very touchy. He's awkward about it, only really clingy with those he's comfortable with. When he would get excited with Matthew, he'd attempt to hold his hand, but it would be an awkward grasp over Matthew's closed fist or a controted hand around Matthew's wrist. He's done that more than once, making it endearingly awkward for Matthew to try to hold him normally.
So when Taerae saw Matthew's hands loosely clasped together, his hands moved before he could think about it. His long fingers rested on Matthew's palm and his thumb held it firmly. Matthew opens his hands for Taerae to properly reach, but that's when reality hit Taerae.
He blushes immediately while retracting his hand in a shy jerk. He hides his grin behind his hand. Matthew places a hand on Taerae's knee, letting him know it's okay.
On top of his knee, Taerae's hand reaches over and intertwines his fingers overtop Matthew's. He can hear Taerae mutter, "Just hold his hand, it's not that hard.'
Matthew takes the cue and weaves their fingers together in a comfortable hold. He loosely swings their wrists in a casual sway. "That's better."
Even with his sense of confidence, he still feels giddy. He feels like he's a schoolboy with his crush. His face tingles with pride and a silly smile that he can't hide. Taerae's smiling too, a shy smile that he's trying to hide with a bite of his lips and his gaze facing elsewhere.
Taerae and Matthew feel the world go silent. In that moment, it's just them.
They sneak out of their lodging before anyone else would notice. Everyone's too busy getting ready for bed or packing up equipment. They found a spot at the roof of their accommodation. It's isolated enough to have their privacy and open enough to still breathe.
It's a calm walk up the stairs. They're in no rush and their footsteps are light. Once they reach the roof, they lean against the ledge of the balcony to see the view of the distant skyline and the nearby shore. It's peaceful.
Matthew's shoulders slump at the lack of tension. Taerae can feel his jaw loosen up. Both of their backs rise and fall with their deep breaths of fresh air.
In one look, they meet eyes. They know.
As they tilt their heads to meet in the middle, eyes closed, their lips touch ever so gently. With just barely a graze, their kiss ends and they pull away to look at each other again.
It's a good first kiss. It's simple, comfortable, and most imporantly: it's them.
"Yeah?" Matthew whispers with a hopeful smile.
"Yeah," Taerae smiles back before leaning in again.
Matthew can feel the curve of his lips against his own. His nose exhales a soft chuckle as he adds pressure to their second kiss.
The crowd gasps in gradual realization. He waves them off, but all the attention gets to him. Taerae sinks into to a deep squat as he covers his face with his hand. It's humiliating to him. Why is he crying in front of everyone?!
All the members crowd around him, some giggle fondly while the others immediately move their microphones away to comfort Taerae in their privacy. There are enough of them to take care of Taerae, but it's still a moment that they know is hard to control.
Matthew joins the boys in consoling him. It took a few minutes, and a few members reassure Taerae that they'll request the director to not include most of his personal moment in the public release of the taping.
In the green room after the showcase, Taerae groans in embarrassment and overwhelming emotions. As much as they all tease, no one judges him. Everyone had their moments, Taerae's just happened to be during the showcase.
Matthew rubs Taerae's back, giving him a steady rhythm for his breathing to follow.
"I'm okay now," Taerae reassures Matthew. Matthew doesn't let go.
Matthew takes a short sniffle. He smiles brightly with sad eyes. "You're a pretty crier."
Taerae laughs through his tears. His eyes squint and the last of his tears fall down his cheek. "Shut up!"
Taerae seethes, but he waits until they're alone and in private. The rest of the guys filtered out of the practice room, and it's just him, Matthew, Gunwook, and two staff friends cleaning up after dance rehearsals. Matthew's ready to go and he waits for Taerae to join him, but Taerae asked to stay behind.
The two staff friends and Gunwook wave goodbye to them, and the two have the responsibility of closing the air conditioning and lights before leaving.
"What's up?" Matthew asks once the door closes.
"Just wanted to talk about a while ago," Taerae's tongue pokes out through his cheek. He's pissed, and Matthew can easily guess that. "We were filming behind content."
"And what about it?"
Taerae thinks back and his eyes narrow at nothing in particular.
Matthew had Gyuvin roaming his hands all over his torso, calling him (and everyone around them) 'jagiya' with a false threat of a kiss he'll never give. Jiwoong would spot a camera and find a way to make intentionally exaggerated and documented clips of him acting sweet to all the members, Matthew happened to be in Jiwoong's line of vision that day. Hao tucked his hair and spoiled him in compliments, openly gawking at how handsome he is that regular day. Matthew kissed Ricky's cheek, obscured by the camera to see the kiss but the smack was loud enough to leave little room to interpretation.
Matthew walked towards Taerae and, right in front of the camera, he knocked their heads together to a false-kiss. He laughed and pulled away to get back into the choreography after slapping his ass. Taerae felt like a fool, charmed and left to deal with the consequences as if it's just a joke to him.
"I want to keep some parts of us private. I'm afraid I wouldn't know when it's fanservice or when you're sincere," Taerae requests, there's a bite in his words.
"Fanservice?" Matthew exclaims. "I didn't play anything up for the camera, what do you mean?"
"So everything you did a while ago was real? Even when it's not for me?" Taerae questions, he's grinding his teeth with a figurative Matthew getting chewed up between them.
"You don't have to be jealous of the guys," Matthew defends. "There's nothing going on with me and anyone else anymore, you know that."
Taerae holds up a hand to stop what Matthew has to say. "I am not jealous. Don't look down on me like that."
"Then don't look down on me either!" Matthew fights back. "You make it seem like I'm some unloyal guy who would flirt with my exes! How about you treat me like I have some decency?!"
They don't speak for a day. They have sharp looks and there are some pointed actions. Matthew enters the extra van and he calls the other members in their makeshift company studios if they want to join his ride home. Taerae opts to book a taxi to visit his friends' dorm for a night.
"Did you fight?" Hanbin asks Matthew.
"Yeah."
"Should I be worried?"
Matthew paused for a while and his thoughts on the matter made him unconsciously unclench. "Not really."
"Oh okay. I'm not gonna try to understand that." Hanbin raises his hands to let go of any responsibility with the knowledge he now knows. "I'm happy for you though or sorry that happened."
Matthew laughs and shoves him playfully. "We'll fix it soon. For now, like hell am I going to talk to him."
"That would've killed me years ago," Hanbin muses.
"Exactly why we didn't work out," Matthew teases and Hanbin flips him off.
After a day, they have dance practice again. The cameras are set up before their scheduled time began, and Taerae is the first in the room. He makes his rounds with the cameras and Matthew happens to be the second person to show up.
Instead of pulling the same silent treatment they've been giving each other for a day, Taerae approaches him. He intentionally catches him in front of the camera and he slides his hands all over the curves of his delts, biceps, and triceps.
"Are you ready for practice, Matthew-ssi?" Taerae's sticky voice sings in a teasing tone. Oh so that's how they're going to go around this, huh!
Matthew copies his hands and he places it on his waist. "Of course, my jagiya."
Gunwook holds onto Matthew while the choreographer details their mistakes in monitoring. Matthew moves around to make the hold more comfortable with their sweaty exposed skin.
Taerae scooches closer to Jiwoong on the couch, his hand lingers on Jiwoong's thigh as they both use their phones over the break. Jiwoong readjusts his position to show off his screen to Taerae.
Matthew and Taerae crowd Hanbin's space, cornering him and Hanbin barely fighting it. All their breaths and natural scents blend in the corner of the wall and mirror, they leave him alone when the performance director calls everyone back for rehearsals.
Taerae and Ricky play fight over Matthew's hand. 'He's mine!' 'No, he chooses me!' Matthew stands in the middle of their skit, unsure if he's allowed to leave.
Hao asks Matthew for a massage on his calves. His groans pierce through the whole practice room, enough to notice other members avert their eyes from the massage and pray parts of their bodies doesn't respond to what they can hear. Hanbin left the room to take a moderately long restroom break.
Taerae clings onto Gyuvin. He holds him in a backhug, not letting go like a koala on a tree. His cheek is cutely squished against his back and Gyuvin holds Taerae's arms to keep him in place while he walks around the room. He has a Taerae backpack on, proudly complaining about it to the cameras.
"I'm Yujin's favorite!" Taerae declares while Yujin quietly sits beside Matthew. Yujin just nods, aware that it's easier to say yes than to argue.
None of the clips made it to the final edit of the behind the scenes video. They all receive a passive-aggressive email from the marketing team about proper decorum when cameras are rolling but they all mark it as read and move on with their days.
They go home and Matthew knocks on Taerae's door. Taerae opens it, and he wants to close it at the sight of Matthew behind the door.
"Get out," Taerae says.
"I'll go, but I want to say I'm sorry," Matthew simply says. "I won't do it again. I didn't know what I did would bother you so much. But still, I'm sorry."
Taerae opens the door and lets him in. Matthew sits on Taerae's bed, waiting and hoping Taerae speaks up too.
"I'm still pissed. I'm not jealous, and I don't care what you do with the members. It doesn't matter to me that you dated them, I'm not that shallow."
"I know. I'm sorry about that. It was a sore spot for me."
"I'm sorry too," Taerae sighs. He stands in between Matthew's open legs. "I didn't realize I'd be this possessive. I'm not jealous of the guys, but I think I was afraid you didn't mean the things you did to me."
"Never," Matthew reaches up to cup Taerae's cheek. He hopes Taerae leans in, but he can only hope. He needs this to be on Taerae's terms.
Taerae leans in and catches Matthew in a kiss. "Never do that again, though."
Matthew kisses him back, holding his torso to pull him onto his lap. "Yes, sir!"
I'm not afraid to make my mistakes with you, not when I know you and I will always get back on track.
I want to go everywhere with you.
Matthew just ended a call from home an hour ago. He has to continue on with his day, and so he will.
His mom and dad's voices still linger in his head. In the middle of the company pantry as he reheats his microwaveable chicken breast for lunch, a tear falls from Matthew's chin and he didn't know what to do. It keeps falling and falling, and he can't will it away. He inhales and it comes out as a sniffle. Fuck, it's freely falling.
He clears his throat to maybe feign nonchalance, and he considers looking for an escape route. Not until he feels a presence from behind. A large hand places itself in the middle of his back, and it calms him in the same way it makes his breath shudder.
Taerae can't comfort for shit, but he will god damn try. His palm goes up and down Matthew's back. He doesn't try to say sweet nothings, he never wants to hear it, so why would he subject that to Matthew?
He'll let Matthew cry. He'll just make sure he won't cry alone.
They walk around Akihabara together to shop and take in the country. Matthew scans for Japan exclusive Pokemon card packs, while Taerae and their favorite tour manager tags along. Raindrops begin to fall, and they sprint over to a nearby open restaurant to seek refuge from the elements.
Matthew removes his jacket and his thin white shirt is thankfully spared from the rain and from Taerae's piercing gaze.
"I hope the rain lets up. I don't wanna waste one of our free days cooped up in a restaurant," Taerae watches as the window fogs up with the downpour.
"I think we can buy an umbrella at a convenience store nearby if it weakens a bit. But," Matthew pauses searching through his phone and translating the menu. "I don't mind it since you're here."
Taerae turns away and looks back at the menu, fighting back the happy smile rising on his cheeks. "You won't have time for your Pokemon cards. Don't be silly."
Matthew shrugs and calls for a waiter to take their order. Their manager sits across the two boys, and he takes a photo of the two "friends".
Underneath the table, Taerae's hand finds Matthew's. As they wait for the food to arrive and the weather to improve, they stay warm in the midst of it all.
Matthew sends an array of photos to the groupchat. Taerae sees it all when he wakes up, and Matthew could only respond hours later. It was a staggered week of contact and a moment of weakness for Taerae.
"I was snowboarding!" Matthew exclaims in the video call.
"I'm so jealous," Taerae whines. He's currently laying down on a foam roller on the floor of Matthew's room. "I should go to Canada with you."
"You'd do that for me?" Matthew smiles to the camera.
"Of course I would, you're having such a great time at home. I wish I was there," Taerae continues to whine, lazily rolling up and down.
"Promise me that, okay? You'll actually join me one day," Matthew says softer and closer to the camera.
"Just tell me when, and I'll pack my bags," Taerae salutes with a limp arm and a wide smile.
Matthew imagines it. Taerae can take the guest bedroom, or maybe he'd sleep on a mattress in his own bedroom like a sleepover. He'd probably enjoy sledding, but get tired halfway. He wonders if Taerae could handle the amount of snow compared to what they're used to in Korea.
"Matthew?" Taerae's voice breaks him out of his daydreaming.
"Sorry! Yeah, I'd really like that!" He replies back. He greets him goodbye once his mom and sister are ready to leave for brunch. Taerae greets him as well, telling him he's going to bed soon.
Taerae peeks in Ricky's ajar door to find him fast asleep. Taerae takes a shower in Matthew and Ricky's dorm and he settles himself in Matthew's bed, hugging Matthew's stuffed animals in place of him. He can't wait for Matthew to come back home.
Taerae is in the middle of assembling an acrylic shelf. He assembles and disassembles it, too impatient to read through the small print of the intructions. His eyes cross a bit and his glasses fall from his nosebridge. He's four mistakes away from giving up and accepting that his car models will just need regular dustings instead of a shelf.
"Let me help!" Matthew grabs the instruction pamphlet from the side.
"Actually, yeah, can you read it for me," Taerae sighs, frustrated with the item.
Matthew reads it out in earnest. He adds accents and stresses on the wrong letters. Taerae doesn't correct him, at least not while he's focused on building the stupid shelf.
Matthew understood it enough to take over the build, letting Taerae rest. Soon enough, it's properly assembled and ready for Taerae's figures.
"Kkeut!" Matthew cheers to Taerae.
"Good!" Taerae teasingly responds in English.
Matthew didn't expect that response, but he likes it. Taerae looks a little too proud of his one-liner, and thankfully Matthew is so smitten by him that it actually gets a fond laugh out of him.
Matthew brought Taerae out to Han River for an early evening stroll. They take a breather on one of the cement steps overlooking the water.
"Taerae, do you like me?" Matthew asks nervously but steadily. He's ready for any answer Taerae will give.
"You're stupid if you think I don't," Taerae simply replied back.
"But, I think…" Matthew's throat gets choked up. He wants to say it, as easily as it always came for everyone he loves. "I…" love you! I love you. I love you, Taerae! Matthew takes a breath and in his exhale he says it. "like you so much."
Taerae smiles and sits closer to him. He's more than happy to hear those words from Matthew.
Without sparing a glace at anyone or anything else around them, even when it scares him to be seen so clearly or to make a move do loudly, he kisses Matthew's cheek.
It's a wordless reply, one that doesn't need a language to convey what he means to tell Matthew.
I found a home in you. Things feel familiar and safe with you.
I'm not afraid to love you, even when it hurts. Loving you feels so good.
Taerae feels out of place in the company gym. Matthew didn't allow him to use his room's weights and foam roller anymore after he did one set of lifting and instead chose to take a nap on Matthew's bed.
Taerae gravitates to the floormats with medicine balls and foam rollers. Matthew ends his reps on the leg extension machine and follows Taerae to his mat. Taerae lays down in a comfortable position, resting his back on a vertical 90cm foam roller to stretch his shoulderblades.
Matthew towers over him. Taerae looks up at him quizzicaly.
Matthew bends down and holds Taerae's torso in place, pulling Taerae's arm across his chest.
"Ow!" Taerae yowls. "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" Matthew only lets go after a slow 8-count. Matthew does the same on his other arm and Taerae continues to wail in pain.
"If you want to use the foam rollers, fine by me. But at least use it to its full potential," Matthew remarks, finally letting go.
Taerae stands up and pokes his tongue out at Matthew. He will admit, his shoulders and back feel much better, but he won't say it out loud.
Matthew takes over on the mat and starts foam rolling his quads. Taerae looks around to see no one around in the gym to witness this. He knows Matthew is releasing the tension from his thighs, but he is also a pervert. He will also admit that. So he stares at Matthew as he slowly grinds the front of his thigh against the roller and groans with each press against a small knot.
Matthew exhales after he feels relief and he does final stretches on the flat of the mat. He motions to the exit with Taerae. He places his hand on the very spot he targetted for Taerae's stretches.
"Feels good?"
"Yeah," Taerae replies, holding his medium sized towel politely in front of his body.
They go back home. Taerae's body feels sore the next day. His back, shoulders, and asshole couldn't handle the extent of Matthew's strength.
"We should go on a hike," Matthew recommends happily. He just returned from a hike with Xiaojun, and he's still as chipper as ever. Xiaojun on the other hand looks ready to collapse as he waits for his ride back home.
"You will not find me climbing a mountain with you, thank you very much," Taerae shakes his head. "That's a death wish for me."
Xiaojun nods at the reply, barely acquainted with Taerae finds a voice of reason in him. He's damp, panting, and really fixated on a guardian dog the two found close to the peak of the mountain. Matthew laughs at his friends' disdain.
And Taerae finds himself on a mountain, panting for his life. This is what he gets for constantly seeking death in his waking life.
Matthew walks beside him, intentionally slowing down his pace to stay in track with him.
"You're still okay? We can take a break anytime," Matthew worriedly asks.
"No. It feels good. It's fine," Taerae reassures him. He's going to reach the top of that mountain even if it kills him.
(It almost does. He doesn't know how he can muster the energy to hike back down. But he's still proud of himself. And Matthew is proud too!)
"You're in love with Matthew hyung,"
"Yeah, I am," Taerae immediately replied to Yujin. It felt like a confrontation, but something about Yujin brought all of Taerae's defenses down.
"Why?"
Taerae looked at Yujin with confusion. He's usually grossed out at most displays of affection in front of him, especially being constantly around other couples. "Do you really want to hear about why I'm in love with him?"
"No, why don't you go for it? You love him, why stop there?"
It was all so sudden, a surprising interrogation, almost like a well-meant provocation. "Why stop th—Who taught you all this?"
Yujin smiled at his brewing answer. "My cool PT did."
A crowd of fans screamed loudly at their event. Everyone was at their best behavior, taking in all the support. It's humbling and it's a reminder of where they are.
"Matthew oppa, I love you!" "Taerae-ah, I love you too much!" "Bbangiz ppo-ppo please!" "Zerobaseone is my love!" "Please do a cheek heart!"
As the crowd erupted, they greeted everyone as much as they could. With a goodbye, they bowed to every fan and camera present in the room. On Hanbin's cue: 'Zerose!', they all yelled in unison: 'Saranghae!'
Returning to the regular volume of their waiting room, Taerae and Matthew sat side by side on the couch.
Matthew glanced at Taerae's face and Taerae looked back in curiosity. Matthew shook his head, letting him know it was nothing.
Even after everything, Matthew was still afraid.
He's said it before, but it was never in the right ways until after it was over with the person he loved. He'd scared to say it because he doesn't want to lose him with the declaration.
"I think I have an idea of what's in your head, it's okay," Taerae mumbled as his thumb stroked Matthew's thigh. "You don't have to say it. I already know."
Matthew nodded, placing his hand on top of Taerae's.
I find love in you, in every and all ways.
Taerae settles beside Matthew in bed. They already know their preferred positions.
Matthew lays flat on his back with two pillows below his head; Taerae tucks himself on Matthew's right arm with his head on his pec; Matthew covers their torsos with his gray fleece blanket; Taerae kicks the blanket to expose both his feet and Matthew's right foot keep them both perfectly warm and cool at the same time.
In the complete darkness, they can't see each other. Their eyes are closed. They drift between the planes of wake and sleep.
His chest rises and falls; he loves him.
His skin feels like his own; he loves him.
His ears ring in the soft quiet; he loves him.
He wakes up with the sun hitting his eyes and the man he loves still in bed with him.
His arms wrap around Taerae, and he wakes him up in the process. Taerae grumbles against his chest and yawns, inhaling the natural scent of Matthew's skin. He settles back into Matthew's chest, rubbing his cheek on the fabric of his pajamas and resting his hand over Matthew's heart.
"I love you," Matthew whispers his confession with a gentle kiss on Taerae's head.
Taerae removes the blanket from his legs and he lays down beside Matthew's seated form.
"What about you, have you loved before?" Matthew asks, looking down at him. His hair forms a cute halo against the pillow.
Taerae shrugs. "Yeah."
"How am I different from the other guys you loved?" Matthew settles into his seated position, excited to hear Taerae's side of things.
Memories of Taerae's own who, what, when, where, why pass through his mind: a sharp smile, a gentle voice, crow's feet and laugh lines, rough fingers and excited steps, and a loudly pounding heart.
"You're not that different," Taerae admits, smiling at his realizations.
"Tell me about them then," Matthew takes his turn to sit back, propping his cheek against his knee waiting for Taerae's stories.
Taerae pulls Matthew to lay back down in bed, settling them both back into the comfortable position they woke up in. "They're all you."
Matthew closes his eyes and basks in the sweet words.
"I love you too," Taerae whispers his confession back with a gentle kiss on Matthew's chin.