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Dear Non,
This will probably be the last letter I write to you, and you deserve to know why. It's not your fault, but I know you well enough to understand that nothing I say would stop you from blaming yourself.
You did an admirable thing. Taking that syringe and putting the weight of humanity on your shoulders. I wish I could know why you did it. Why you abandoned the comfort of safety just to save us? We don’t deserve it, Non. Not a single one of us.
Where should I start? It's been three months since Ning flew away on that helicopter. Since you let Muk plunge that syringe into your neck. Does it feel that long to you? Does it feel longer?? If you were to return to the world of the living, would it feel like no time passed at all? There's so much I want to know. Want to ask.
Earth was the first to go.
Not because of the flesh-eating monsters ruling Thailand, but because of me. He gave me no choice. It was you or him, and I will always choose you. I don’t know if it was quick. To be quite honest, I blacked out when he held a gun to your head and pulled the trigger. The clip was empty, but the rage in me was not.
He didn’t hesitate. So neither did I.
All I remember is Thorn holding my shaking body in his arms and the glossy look in Earth’s eyes as he stared off into nothing. I remember tackling him, our bodies colliding. I remember blood pooling under his head after, falling out like yolk from an egg. He was upset about his friends, I knew that. I understood it. But that wasn’t your fault, Non. The person responsible for killing his friends was already gone.
Most of the group stopped bothering me after that. They didn’t dare come near you, which was smart. Only Thi and Thorn entered our bubble. They weren’t going to hurt you. I knew it. I think you knew it, too.
I'm not sure how or what happened, but the group started dying off from dehydration. Starvation. Or the virus. It didn’t matter. The point is, they are gone now. But you’re not gone, are you, Non? I can tell because you react to my voice when I speak. You watch my movements. You get restless when the zombies come a little too close to our hiding place.
No one thought we’d last this long with you like this, but I knew since you opened your eyes and stared at me. I knew you were still in there somewhere.
Prao left yesterday. I'm honestly shocked she lasted that long, considering. It was during a run to get more supplies, and Phu said she was careless and loud, leading to her death. He didn’t get a chance to kill her, really kill her, I mean. Do you feel her? Is she connected to you now?
There are only five of us left, and two of us are injured. So I had no choice but to go. That's why it happened. I told Thorn to only take what would fit in our bags and nothing more, but he’s always been pretty stubborn, the asshole. He dropped a case of water bottles, and they came after us.
Don't be upset with them. I was only doing what I had to. They would’ve gotten Thi if I hadn’t jumped in the way. It was an idiotic move. Who puts their arm out in front of a thing trying to eat someone else’s flesh? I had no time to think. I only knew that Thi is your best friend and you’d be upset to come back and find he’s gone.
Phu suggested we cut off my arm, but the virus spreads too quickly for that. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to write to you, would I?
Don't feel sad. I don’t. I knew I'd go eventually, especially after that syringe went into your neck. I saw my death flash before my eyes and knew I wouldn’t make it. Not without you. I'm honestly shocked I lasted this long.
When I came back from the run, you immediately looked at my arm. Like you knew the moment I got bitten. There were tears in your eyes before you started thrashing around. It was the first time you snapped your teeth at me. You were angry, I think. Even now, you’re calm, but I can see the hurt in your dead eyes. I hope you still come back. Ning needs you.
My eyes feel heavy, but I want to say this last thing before I go. I love you. I loved you since that night after the club when you held me in your arms. No one has ever held me like that. Not even Ning. You became a beacon during a dark storm that night. And you have been my guiding light ever since.
I wish I had been more selfish. I thought staying away was the best, but now, I wish I had kissed you. Held you the way you deserved to be. Loved you openly without a care for who would see and judge. They say when you die, you return to the moment you were most happiest in your life, even if just for a brief moment. I have no doubt that my happiest moment was being with you. When I see you, I won’t be a coward this time. I'll grab you, kiss you, and tell you everything I never had the nerve to say in this life.
I'm sorry, I have to leave you. I'm sorry I didn’t stay alive. I'm sorry, I was too scared to tell you how I felt. How much you mean to me. I want you to know I really did try my best. It's time for me to go now, Non.
So let me go.
Love,
San.