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Every neuron in her brain was on fire, screaming that this shouldn’t be happening.
Kisa Tachibana had her back against the closed door of Sarafumi Takashina’s dorm room, his hands pressed to the wood on either side of her, trapping her between them. His eyes were an intense, blown scarlet, his pale blonde hair in a slight state of disarray, and his breath coming quickly from their frenzied jog to this place of relative privacy. Kisa could feel her own heart thundering within her chest, so hard she thought he surely must be able to hear it. The way he looked at her, with his lips parted for air, his eyes flitting over her features, made her skin flush with heat.
They had been rehearsing together for the final Univeil performance, and had gotten so engulfed in their work that they hadn’t realized how late it had become. The performance was only a couple of days away now, and the pressure on the both of them was severe and somewhat suffocating. They rehearsed until they were dizzy from fatigue, but something else grew between them as they went over the scene where Adra is shot, over and over again…
Kisa hadn't realised that, due to the long hours of practice, the lines between the play and their real selves had begun to blur. The intensity of the scene, of holding Fumi in her arms, submerging herself in Sissia’s despair as he whispered sweet words to her in Adra’s pained voice, begging her to sing, to carry on their hopes for a united world… the feelings swelled and became tangled in her heart as she gazed into Fumi’s eyes. The reality that, like Adra, Fumi would be leaving Univeil soon, hit her hard, making real sadness bloom in her chest. Then there was a long stretch of silence as their eyes met, their lines forgotten, and Kisa felt her pulse quicken as Fumi’s hand lifted to stroke over her cheek, which hadn't been in the script. She shivered when his thumb ghosted over her lower lip, tugging on it ever so gently… she felt something powerful wash over her when it occurred, but she hadn’t had the time to register what was happening before Fumi had surged up, taken her by the hand, and dragged her out of the training room, jogging with her through the halls to the dorms.
And here they were. The door had slammed shut, and Fumi had forced her up against it, trapping her between his arms. She stared up at him, her golden eyes shining with a confusing mixture of anxiety and anticipation. She watched his chest expand as he took in a breath.
“Tell me to stop,” he said quietly. She only watched him, unsure what to say in response. “I’m at my limit here. If you don’t tell me to stop now, I don’t think I can…”
His words trailed off, but he arched his back, bending himself down, bringing his face close to hers. Kisa inhaled sharply at the closeness of him. She was familiar now with his scent, like black tea and jasmine with a hint of spice, but it was so strong now, along with the warmth of his breath upon her face…
“You… you’re not going to stop me?” He whispered, hesitating with his mouth hovering above her own. “Kisa, I can’t hold back anymore. Please. Tell me to stop.”
She’d never seen him so conflicted, so discomposed. His shoulders trembled as he leaned close, his half-lidded eyes watching her intently, waiting for any sign of hesitation. But there was nothing that she wanted more than to close the distance between them. It had just felt impossible to achieve up until now, but she wanted it so much…
Her hands lifted between them, and slipped gently over the taught muscles of his neck. He shivered at the contact and let out a hiss of breath, and she inclined her head, allowing her forehead to rest upon his own.
“Fumi-san,” she whispered back to him. “Don’t hold back.”
His eyes widened, then he let out a laugh. “Damn it,” he replied, his voice cracking. “Even when I think I have you all figured out, you still find ways to surprise me.”
One of his hands rested upon her cheek. Her eyes closed at the touch; his fingers felt so soft, so gentle on her skin. They left a pleasant tingling sensation in their wake as they flitted down her chin to her throat. Her attention became focused on those sensations, as his fingertips slid to the collar of her sports jacket. They hesitated there and though she waited, they only rested lightly against her skin. Fumi’s forehead pulled away from her own and she opened her eyes again.
To her surprise, Fumi looked a bit sad. He lifted his weight off of the arm that still supported him on the door, and instead took hold of the wrist of her hand that had snaked to the back of his neck.
“No. This isn’t how I want this to happen.” He whispered, furrowing his eyebrows. “Come here.”
Still holding her wrist, he turned and led her further into the room, towards the staircase to the loft. She felt another flash of adrenaline as she realized he was leading her to his bed; this was an escalation she hadn’t been expecting.
His bed was the same size as her own, a regulation single, but he had a red comforter and jet black sheets, a surprisingly masculine choice for a guy whose whole career until recently had been as Quartz’ star Al Jeanne. She recognized them from when she'd come to see him when he was sick, but they held a different significance now. He guided her to sit on the bed, then he knelt on the floor before her, taking her hands in his own.
He kissed her palm, softly, reverently, lingering over it. Kisa felt another shiver rush through her; how could such a small action have such a powerful effect on her?
“Kisa,” he said her name with a contented sigh, then he looked up, locking his gaze with her own. “Every day you’ve spent at Univeil you’ve had to hide your true self. It pisses me off sometimes, knowing how much harder you’ve had to work than everyone else just to get through each day, and what you risk if you fail. Your resilience and bravery amazes me. Even though I’ve spent the majority of my time here pretending to be a woman myself, I still can’t imagine the weight of having to continue with that charade in my daily life… if I couldn’t be myself, I think I’d combust.”
He laughed then, a sound so clear and light it felt like a balm to Kisa’s heart. She could feel herself blushing from embarrassment at the praise he gave her; she truly didn’t think she’d done anything that laudable. But hearing it from his lips, knowing he’d been aware all this time of her struggle, made warmth blossom within her regardless.
“That’s why…” he continued. “That’s why, when we’re finally alone together, like this, I want to make sure I treat you the way you deserve. As a woman.”
“Fumi-san…” Kisa whispered.
“Kisa, you know how I feel about you,” his eyes continued to bore into her own, not allowing her to turn shy and glance away. “It’s been agony to keep my hands off of you, to keep up the lie. It almost makes me glad I’m graduating, because I don’t think I’d be able to keep this up for much longer…” he chuckled darkly at that. “I’ve grown a lot over the past couple of years, but I’ve never been very good at controlling my desires. And tonight, watching you sink so deeply into Sissia’s character, and watching her fall apart for Adra over and over again… it made me realize how rarely you’re allowed to do the same. To let yourself go, to show how you really feel. And I was suddenly consumed with this need, this desire to hold you, to show you that you’re loved and wanted, and—”
Fumi stopped then, biting his lip. “I’m babbling. I better get to the point before I start sounding desperate.” He laughed at himself again and ran a hand through his hair, then tilted his head to smile at her. “What I mean to say is… Kisa. I love you. I have for a long time. I love you for all that you do, for how hard you try every day, for how brightly you shine upon the stage, for how much of yourself you sacrifice for the sake of others, but most of all… I love you for who you truly are. I need you to know that you’re beautiful. That I want you desperately, and that I desperately want you to want me in return. When you’re with me, Kisa, I want to make you feel like the woman you are.”
Kisa swallowed thickly, feeling her heart beating loudly in her throat. She thought she felt heat burning behind her eyes, the tell-tale sign of building tears. “Fumi-san…” She blinked hard to try and will the tears away, and twitched her lips into her best and brightest smile. “You sure know how to sweet talk a girl, huh?”
Fumi lowered his head as he huffed out another laugh. “Comes with the job, I suppose,” He lifted his head and shuffled a little closer, resting his hands on Kisa’s knees. “The number of love scenes where I’ve been on the receiving end of similar declarations… but that’s neither here nor there. As long as what I’ve said is wanted and appreciated. I’d love to hear it from you, in return.”
Kisa cocked her head. “Hear what, exactly?”
Fumi grinned. “That you want me,” he replied, easily and without hesitation.
Kisa felt heat flood her face. Even her ears felt hot. She couldn’t help but press her hands to her cheeks and felt the warmth radiating from her skin. “Do… do I really have to say it?”
His smile looked downright devilish. “Yup, I’m afraid so,” his hands slid up her thighs and over her hips to her waist, where he held her with strong, gentle fingers “There’s no getting out of it, not this time. I have an ego of my own that needs appeasing, you know. Otherwise we’ll be stuck sitting like this forever and Quartz will have to find a new leading couple with only two days to go until the curtain rises. Hmm… come to think of it, Kuro would probably love that, knowing him. The guy’s like some sort of gremlin that feeds on chaos.”
Kisa couldn’t help but laugh, which put her a little more at ease. But she was intensely aware of Fumi’s hands resting high upon her hips, and just how wide and long his fingers were compared to her own. His skin also radiated warmth through her clothes. The closeness of his touch made adrenaline course through her again. She opened her mouth to speak, but her breath caught in her throat. She felt so overcome with anxiety, she didn’t know if she’d be able to actually say it—
“Hey,” Fumi whispered. One of his hands went up to cup her cheek again, turning her head to look into his eyes. “Deep breaths, with me. In…”
Kisa’s breath shuddered as she struggled to inhale along with Fumi. She focused on the calming colour of his eyes, which made things easier.
“…and out.”
Her breath left her easier than it entered, and she felt some of the tension leave her shoulders. Fumi was so tuned into her emotions he knew exactly how anxious she felt. She loved how effortlessly empathetic he was.
“I… I can’t be as eloquent as you, Fumi-san, but…” Kisa forced herself to breathe again, trying to calm her racing heart. “Sometimes it feels like you know what I feel better than I do. You’ve always been there to support me, to guide me, to pull me forward when I feel myself stumbling. Even now, I’m struggling, and you’re helping me with each next step.” She giggled shyly, a very feminine sound she would normally be horrified of emitting in front of others. Here, alone with him, she felt safe enough to let such things out unfiltered. “Your acceptance means so much to me. I don’t know how I would have survived these rehearsals without it…” She hesitated then, realizing she was veering off topic. “I mean… I don’t think I’d be half the performer I am if I hadn’t had you there to guide me and show me what was possible. You’ve helped make me who I am, and I owe you so much. But even more than that…” She lifted her hand and stroked it over his arm, up to his shoulder. “You’ve shown me what it feels like to love someone. To… desire them.” She said this quietly, almost afraid of the meaning of uttering it out loud. “And… I do desire you, Fumi. So much so that it frightens me. I’m afraid of what will happen if I give in to it, if I cross that line…” Her voice trailed away then.
Fumi grinned. “Are you aware you dropped the honorific there at the end?”
Her eyes widened. “Did I? Oh… um…”
He chuckled. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. Ignore me. You’re afraid, eh? Of what?”
“I’m afraid that if I start listing everything I’m afraid of, I won’t be able to stop,” Kisa laughed.
Fumi’s smile was kind and understanding. “The thing about lines,” he began. “Is that they’re almost always scary, until you cross them, and then you often find that the world isn’t much different once you’re on the other side. Sometimes it’s best to just cross it without thinking— it’s the anticipation that’s the scary part.”
Kisa swallowed thickly. “Really?”
Fumi nodded. “So… kissing.”
Kisa felt her heart leap into her throat. She wondered if it was at all possible to blush harder than she had been already.
“For an actor, you’re remarkably bad at hiding your embarrassment,” he teased. Fumi’s hand stroked through her hair and came to rest at the base of her skull. “Kissing doesn’t have to be a big, scary thing. The first time I had to do a kissing scene with another guy I was all nerves, until it happened, and I realized it wasn’t a big deal at all. Sure it was only stage kissing, not the real thing, but still. Here, let me show you what I mean…”
His face moved in and, without giving her a chance to think, he pressed his lips to her own. Kisa’s eyes flew wide at the contact, but he drew back before she could process it and react. He smiled his usual, radiant smile.
“See? The world hasn’t fallen apart, has it?”
Kisa was frozen in shock for a moment before she realized that, yeah, not much had changed, except for the way her heart felt like it would jackhammer its way out of her chest at any moment. She frowned. “That wasn’t fair.”
“Oh?”
She let her face twitch into a pout. She really was letting her defences slip, acting so much like a girl. “First kisses are supposed to be special,” she whined. “Not something inconvenient to just get out of the way.”
Fumi hung his head for a moment. “Ah. You’re right… sorry. That wasn’t very cool of me.” He looked away, thinking, then turned back towards her with a smirk. “All right, then. Let’s do some improv. It should be special, huh? Then show me. How would you make it special?”
Kisa huffed with frustration. Why did he have to turn it around on her like this? But she wasn’t one to back down from a challenge, especially a creative one. She squared her shoulders and looked at him closely, her mind racing with all the possibilities.
The first problem was their positions; it was all wrong. With Fumi kneeling before her, almost like an adult crouching to be on the same level as a child, he had all the power in the situation. That had to change.
“Come here,” she said, guiding him to sit on the edge of the bed beside her. He sat down, watching her with curiosity, waiting patiently for a sign or signal he could play off from her. With him sitting next to her like this, however, the difference in height between them was obvious; it felt like he was towering over her. That wouldn’t do.
She got to her feet and went to stand before him. She planted her feet wide on the floor, unconsciously giving herself a powerful, rooted stance. Now it was she who was looking down on him, and the change in perspective made her feel strangely powerful.
She stepped in between his knees and reached down, wrapping one of her arms around his waist. She continued to lean forward until he was forced back onto his elbows, and she used her other hand to support herself on the bedspread as she loomed over him. Something about his posture changed, then; his back arched slightly in her grasp and his shoulders curved, making attractive hollows appear above his collar bones. He tilted his head ever so slightly and elongated his throat, and suddenly Kisa felt like she was holding something delicate and precious, something she needed to be gentle with.
“Fumi,” She said, unaware that her voice had deepened a half-octave. “You’re so beautiful.”
Fumi’s eyelashes fanned over his half-lidded eyes, and his lips parted enticingly; Kisa couldn’t take her eyes off of them. She felt a powerful magnetism from him that drew her in, until she was mere moments away from touching her lips to his.
Then Fumi giggled, and the illusion crumbled.
Kisa suddenly became aware of how absurd the situation was, and stepped back. Fumi couldn’t help himself from dissolving into a fit of giggles on the bedspread.
“Fumi!” She whined, covering her face with her hands. “Do you have to laugh at me?”
“I’m sorry!” He cried, digging his fists into his eyes. “I just wasn’t expecting you to go full Jack on me like that…!”
Kisa frowned. “I… I did? I’m sorry, I just… it felt like the natural thing to do, and…” She balled her hands into fists and rounded on him. “Besides, what was that coquettish thing you did with your body when I held you? You turned into a Jeanne in my arms!”
He sat himself up and smiled at her. “I know, but I couldn’t help myself. You were just so dashing and masculine, I just couldn’t help but play the Jeanne against you.”
Kisa groaned. “I’m so embarrassed…”
Fumi reached forward and pulled her towards him. “Hey, it’s all right,” he cooed, as he tugged her back to her previous place on her feet between his knees. “It was pretty hot, actually, if I'm being honest. But this is an excellent illustration of my point. You’re so unused to allowing yourself to be a girl, you had to retreat into acting like a Jack to do something like this that you’re anxious about.”
Kisa hung her head, feeling like a failure. Despite his assurances, she was sure she must have been unattractive to him just then, acting so manly as a defence mechanism. “Maybe…” She began, her voice hesitant. “Maybe I should try again as Chicchi—”
Fumi wrapped his arms around her waist and tugged her close, resting his chin high on her sternum and looking up at her. “How about trying as yourself?” He asked with a grin. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, Chicchi’s attractive and all, but what I really want is you. Just bog-standard, wonderful, adorable Kisa.”
Kisa felt flustered and a little panicked. “But, but I don’t… I don’t know how to…”
Fumi pulled her down, easing her to sit on one of his thighs so their eyes were on the same level again. “Then let’s find out,” he murmured to her. “Let’s see how Kisa responds to this….”
He entwined his fingers in her hair, and smoothed his other hand over her waist, making her shudder. His eyes were locked on hers again, bright and intense, and he wore a sultry expression as he leaned closer. Kisa's heartbeat quickened and she couldn't help but close her eyes, then she felt his breath on her face when he whispered, “Kisa… you’re so beautiful.”
He used the same words she had said to him only moments ago, but the deep timbre of his voice and the way he held her in his arms made her feel like she was going to melt from the heat of it all. Then she felt his lips touch hers for the second time, and a jolt of electricity surged through her, making her tense up in his arms. It was such a different feeling compared to the first time he’d kissed her… She became fixated on the sensation of his lips against hers, but she didn’t know what to do with her own. She just sat there, still as a statue, as Fumi’s lips gently roamed over hers.
Then, all too soon, he pulled away with a soft “smack”, and Kisa dared open her eyes again. Fumi was smiling, and… were his cheeks perhaps a little pinker than they’d been before?
He hummed happily, and tucked a stray lock of Kisa’s hair back into place behind her ear. “That… was really nice,” he said to her.
“I…” she stuttered. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m sorry.”
“Hey,” he chided. “How much experience do you think I have with kissing, anyway?” He laughed when her eyes narrowed with disbelief. “It’s not like there are many actual girls in this school for me to practise with.” Kisa frowned at that, and he couldn’t help but chuckle again. “I need the practise too, you know. Will you help me out, partner?”
Kisa felt a blush creep over her cheeks again, but she couldn’t stop herself from nodding. His arms were so warm and comforting wrapped around her, and the gentleness of his eyes made her want to fall into them. He closed the gap between their lips again and she once more felt herself tense up.
“Mmh— relax,” he murmured into her mouth. “Remember to breathe.”
She inhaled sharply through her nose and willed her shoulders to loosen as his lips gently moved over her own. Somehow she found the courage to reciprocate, trying to press her lips back against his, and he hummed happily at her attempt to keep up. They spent a few long moments experimenting with pressure and positioning, tilting their heads and leaning into each other, before Fumi parted his lips and very gently took one of Kisa’s in between his own.
“Mnh—” She murmured in surprise, and she felt his mouth curve into a smile.
“This is fun,” he whispered, before diving in to pull at her lips again.
Kisa felt like she was losing herself; heat was curling its way deep inside her, and she felt dizzy from all the new sensations warring within her. Embarrassment, anxiety, excitement, desire, it all surged together and made her feel a little sick, but also somewhat… daring.
She likewise parted her lips, allowing them to intertwine with his, and this time it was Fumi’s turn to gasp as they both got a small taste of each other. She really was beginning to feel dizzy now, as something new seemed to take hold of her. Her hands went to cup Fumi’s cheeks and she leaned into his embrace, deepening the intensity of the kiss and drawing a quiet moan from deep within his throat. Hearing that sound from him felt exhilarating.
“Kisa,” he breathed, then she felt his tongue tease its way across her lips, testing her boundaries. She fought against the urge to pull away in surprise, and instead pushed past her hesitation and opened her mouth to him, giving him permission to go further. When his tongue reached inside her mouth and touched her own for the first time, she felt a shiver ripple through his body as well as her own.
She was surprised when Fumi reflexively pulled back, his breath coming in quick short bursts as he turned his face away from hers to nuzzle into the crook of her neck. She placed her hands on his chest, feeling a little concerned as she felt his heart racing beneath her fingertips. “Fumi?” She asked. “Is everything okay?”
He chuckled again and took in a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, it’s wonderful,” he replied, then pulled his head back up to look into her eyes. “I’m just a little overwhelmed. You’re just so…” His gaze flitted down to take in her lips again, then he grinned shyly and glanced away as his cheeks flushed red. “Damn. You’ve got me too worked up.”
Kisa couldn’t help but smile at his antics. It wasn’t often she got to see bashful Fumi, and it made her feel a surge of pride that she was the one responsible for it. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him. “Do I really have that much of an affect on you?”
He sighed and stroked his hand over the small of her back. “You have no idea, Kisa,” His voice was heavy, husky. “You drive me crazy.”
She couldn’t help but giggle at that, and ended up curling into Fumi’s chest, unable to look him in the eyes anymore. It was all so unbelievable, so wonderful, like she was being forced to squint away from something that was too bright to look at directly. She couldn’t believe how happy she felt in that moment.
He held her tightly against him as he rested his chin on the top of her head. Kisa, for her part, became enamoured with the sound of his heartbeat, strong and steady in his chest. Beating for her. The sound was heavenly.
They sat like that for a few long comfortable minutes before Fumi cleared his throat. “Hey, Kisa…”
“Hmm?”
“How do you feel about getting some more practise in?”
Kisa smiled. “Yeah, sure. Let’s practise.”
And they did. For so long that Kisa’s lips became sore from the unfamiliar friction. They held and touched each other but kept their hands above the belt, and Fumi was respectful, keeping their practise to kissing and not allowing his desires to take things further. They lost track of time as they explored each other’s mouths and experimented with their tongues until Fumi’s phone buzzed loudly in his pocket, shocking them back to reality.
He apologised as he tugged it from his pocket to silence it, then he barked a quiet laugh when he got a look at the screen.
“What is it?” Kisa asked, wondering what could amuse him so much.
He turned the screen towards her. There was a notification from Neji— something about the choreography of the final dance he wanted to ask Fumi about— but more importantly, the clock read 1:56am.
Kisa’s eyes went wide and she felt a surge of panic go through her. “How on earth did it get so late?!” She cried as she jumped off of Fumi’s lap. Fumi couldn’t help but laugh at her panicked reaction.
“It was nearly midnight when we left the training room,” he replied. “So, yeah, that feels about right to me.”
Kisa groaned. “I need to get to bed… I have class in the morning, not to mention rehearsals…”
“Don’t we all,” Fumi sighed, then he stood. “Here, let me walk you back to your room. It’s the least I can do.”
“No, no!” Kisa protested. “You should get to bed! I can make it back to my room just fine on my own—”
Fumi raised a hand to silence her. “Look, I have the greatest respect for your acting abilities, but you’re a terrible liar. If we were caught together, though, we could just claim we lost track of time rehearsing and were on our way back to our rooms. It wouldn’t be too far from the truth, either.”
Kisa gave his arm a playful punch, and he chuckled.
“Come, Sissia,” he said cheerfully, standing tall and angling his head in a way that instantly transformed him into the dashing Arbine dancer, Adra Hybird. “Allow me to escort you to your tent.” He crooked his elbow, offering it to her with a sweeping bow, and Kisa couldn’t help but play along.
“Many thanks, Adra,” she replied, slipping easily into the Quatran accent as she curtsied and hooked her arm into his. “Let’s away, before we’re overtaken by dawn.”
They dropped the act when they reached the hallway, but Fumi did linger her at her door to give her a quick, daring kiss goodnight just before she closed it. The mischievous glint in his eyes when he did so stuck with her, and she ended up getting very little sleep that night.