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Narcissa had been losing her for a long time before she left. It was in the way she stood, the way she walked. Narcissa wasn’t surprised when she left; she could only feel heartbreak, like she lost a part of her. Because there she was, losing a sister.
~*~
To say she was shocked when she received an owl in the dead of night would be an understatement. Who else would be sending her something that couldn’t wait; something she needed to see right now? Then she saw the writing, the perfect penmanship they were forced to have, not a letter out of place. It was Andromeda. She was sending her a letter, it made sense why now. If she had gotten the letter during breakfast there would have been questions, consequences. As she opened the letter she felt a tear slide down her cheek; she knew that there wasn’t a choice, at least for her there never was.
Dear Cissa,
Hello my dear sister, how have you been? I know I have been burned from the family tree, and I wouldn't dare send you a letter while home because I know the consequences. I wanted to inform you that you’ll always have a place at my home if you are in need. That we are still sisters, we will always be. How are your N.E.W.T’s going? How is Bella?
Love you always, Andy
What couldn’t be farther from the truth, there might be a place, but it could never be filled. Andromeda had left her. Alone. In a home which she knew so acutely what happened; what would happen. This would be her punishment, as Bella had already been married, lost to an invisible pull of insanity that had always been strong; now stronger than ever before. So all that was left was her, in the house, the name. She must marry whoever her father found most suitable. But she could never truly leave, no matter how much she wanted to.
Dear Andromeda,
Did you think about the consequences of what would happen to me when you left? How could you do this to me? If we are still sisters, why would you leave me here alone? Bella is doing worse than ever before, she has slipped so far that I fear there's no coming back. You chose this.
Regards, Narcissa Helene Black
~*~
The letters had continued as she knew they would. Narcissa found she started to enjoy them, as a place to vent, to put to the horrors of her daily life to someone who had experienced them as well. There was always a feeling: she could leave, if she truly wanted. She did; however, she couldn’t find it in herself to leave; to walk out of the place she had called home for so many years, even if it was anything but truly her home.
She couldn’t leave Regulus, not when he was going to lose his brother. To lose her as well, she feared would push him to the edge. Losing his last tie to life would surely cause him to lose himself. There was also her sister, Bella, who she loved ever so dearly, but was already so far gone . She feared that if she was to leave there would be no one who cared enough about her sister. Her parents clearly didn’t. It's not like she could come with her to Andromeda's. She was married. She was happy.
~*~
Dear Cissa,
I am pregnant with a girl. We plan to name her Nymphadora Narcissa Black-Tonks. Would you be her godmother? I know it's a lot to ask, and could get you in trouble. There isn’t another soul I could trust with this job. I hope your first N.E.W.T’s year is going well. I know I was stressed out of my mind.
I love you, Andromeda Carina Black-Tonks
Dear Andy,
I would love to be her godmother.You gave her my name? What an honor. I will be fine as long as it doesn’t get out. How far along are you? Maybe I could meet her; it would be amazing to see you again. I know the dangers, but I have been good this school year. My N.E.W.T’s are annoying; however, I am doing well so far. They may let me leave the house more this summer, but you never know.
Love, Narcissa Helene Black
~*~
Narcissa couldn’t believe she was going to be a godmother; that there was a chance she would be able to see her sister again. She had something to be happy about, something huge. There was never a time when she wanted to leave more. To be free of the chains from her family. Chains which held Narcissa in place. Surely they had to love her, right? She was their very flesh and blood. There had to be hope– hope that would forever keep her tethered to the very thing she wanted to leave most. She had to be loveable, her parents had to love her. Even if it was in the deepest place of their hearts. They had to because they were her parents. Even if they never acted like it. Even if they never had shown her love before.
~*~
Dear Cissa,
I am due the 3rd of August, so you should be able to meet her. You can just floo over to Diagon Alley and Ted or I can meet you there and take you to our place. Maybe you could even stay? I know it's risky to ask none the less we would really love to have you more in our life. I love you Cissa, I really truly do except I do not think it would be wise for us to meet before then. The chances we get recognized are too high. You can come over on the 31st of August and we can spend the day together. You can meet Nymphadora then as well. Don’t be reckless; remember to stay safe.
All my love, Andy
~*~
They would love for her to stay. She wants to, yet she knows she can’t– she won't. She hasn’t told a soul yet .She is betrothed to Lucius Malfoy. It is permanent now. After the 31st she will never get to see her sister again. She won’t even be able to receive the letters once the school year is over. She is on borrowed time. It will all come to an end the day she is married:after that it is over, forever. To have had it, even fleetingly, is better than to never experience it at all. At least,that's what she is told.. However Narcissa can’t shake the thought, what if this loss is my last straw?
What if all that is left is the static feeling of nothingness? What they had was never going to last, she knew that. Despite this, the hope she would see her sister again kept her going. The loss of what could have been–of that hope just may be her end. Even having known it would have to end. She enjoyed it; their exchanging of letters as if nothing had changed.She had dared to dream these letters would be a forever thing not just a for now till never again.
But Instead, it was written in the stars. They would burn; ever so slowly, but they would. Their stars would come crashing down, one by one until it was just her. The flower of the family. The name that hadn't followed tradition.The only one they had left.
~*~
Some people loved the summer holidays, Narcissa didn't. Her home was a hopeless place of dark hallways in a mindless mansion. It leeched the color from her skin til she was as pale as porcelain. It took the spark from her eyes until they were so blank they looked black, their frosted silver withering to a muted gray. At least they had a library, fields of tall grass, far away from any other soul, save for the ones who resided within the mansion itself.
Narcissa’s days were spent in the fields of tall, blowing grass. She did anything she could think of: she read, and did school work both under the sun, praying it may bring a bit of color back into her face. She completed mindless word puzzles of every variety and painted vivid landscapes.
Oh, how she loved to paint. She painted the skies above, stars twinkling in the night or white clouds swirling in the blue sky. The forest, trees tall and sturdy hiding the landscapes beyond. She painted, grass stretching as far as the eye could see, swaying and bending to the wind. Narcissa made the most beautiful paintings,– pouring her soul into each one, every color and stroke of her brush on the canvas purposeful and neat.
In the end, she was simply counting down the days until she could see her sister and niece. She would have to meet Andromeda’s husband, surely being a mudblood didn’t make him all that bad. Yes, she could tolerate him, for she knew that this was the last time she could ever see her sister.
~*~
It was the 31st of August; the last day of the summer holiday and the last time she would ever see Andromeda Black, her sister, her first friend.
She flooed to the Leaky Cauldron. When Cissa stepped out of the fireplace she was greeted by a tall, sandy blond haired man, with a lazy smile on his face. Dressed as if he were a muggle, he wore a tee-shirt of some muggle band and blue trousers. He saw her and his eyes lit up with joy as his mouth split into a wide, cartoon-like, gleeful grin.
“Hello, I'm Ted Tonks, you must be Narcissa?” He sounded nervous, like she could hate him for simply the crime of existing. Which a small, selfish part of her did, so he wasn’t very far off. Nonetheless, he made Andy happy, so for that Narcissa loved him ever so dearly. The simple pleasure of a grin on her sister's face had been missing for so long before her departure and she couldn't hold much over Ted if he was the one to bring it back. Even if Narcissa wished she would've been able– been enough, to bring it back.
“Yes, I am Narcissa. It is a pleasure to meet you.'' She stuck out her hand to shake Ted's. That's what was expected, wasn't it? What she hadn’t expected was to be greeted instead with a hug. She had especially not expected a hug from a man she had only just met.
“Well we must be going shan’t we? Andy is expecting us any minute now.” With that he gave her the address and they both flooed to Andy and Ted's cottage.
~*~
Narcissa had barely stepped out of the fireplace when someone was tackling her in a hug so big that you would think it was at least 3 people.
It was Andy.
Andromeda.
Her sister.
Andromeda had the biggest grin– one that had been sparse before, one Narcissa had missed– it was not unlike the one Ted had greeted her with. This was the happiest she had ever seen Andromeda since they were children chasing each other through the fields. It had been a few years before Andromeda had gone to Hogwarts. Before she ever realized that their home was less like a home, instead sharing more qualities with a prison. A prison where they were to be trained to be the perfectly poised, pure-blood wives they were expected to be.
Now Andromeda looked nothing like the person Cissa had watched run through the night over a year ago.Today she had a baby in her arms and a playful grin on her lips.
“Oh Merlin, look at you Cissa!” Andromeda was holding her face in her hands, speaking so fast only those who had known Andy for years could translate what she was saying.
“My baby sister, you're here, you came, I was hoping you would. You look so grown up, how have you been?” Andy rambled.
Then they were hugging again. Andy was squeezing her tight. As if it were the last time she would ever see her little sister– her flower, again. What Andy didn’t know was that this was the last time they would meet for many years to come. Those letters would remain her only memories of Narcissa. Eventually, Andy would reread those letters searching and scanning for bits of Narcissa she had lost. She would come to memorize not only the words of those letters but the feel of the parchment between her fingers.
“Look at you and your darling little girl! Oh! Her hair, I thought it would be brown like yours,” Narcissa’s voice had a fondness to it that many never heard at all. A fondness that certainly wouldn’t be heard for years after this day.
“Oh and it has been a dreadful summer. The only reason I was permitted to leave the property today was due to my O.W.L’s; 10 Outstandings.”
“She is a metamorphmagus,” Andy explained. “Her blanket is pink so her hair is as well., Isn’t it darling? Oh! I was about to ask about your O levels.That's amazing Cissa! You did better than Bella and I. You always were the brightest of us three,” Andy rattled on barely stopping to breathe, let alone allow for a response. Narcissa didn't mind this; truthfully it was what she expected Andromeda to do. It also helped that Narcissa preferred to listen rather than speak.
“Oh, you're too kind, really, Andy. How are you?” At this, Andromeda's face lit up in a special way; it was pride if Narcissa were to guess. Andy recounted how motherhood had been so far, how wizards heal much quicker than muggles, at least that's what she had come to understand fromTed's explanation. She praised her daughter, explaining she was “just truly amazing.” She described how marriage was the best thing that had happened to her her words creating a painting of the joy and love that filled her life
It was nearly noon by the time they were both up to date with the happenings of each other's lives. For the first time since their childhood the pair were able to bond and connect as sisters. At last there was no outside influence pitting them against each other or forcing them to compete for love, nor for attention. They simply just were. Narcissa realized she had forgotten how peaceful it was to be free of that pressure, from the standard of perfection.
After dinner, Cissa was expected back at the manor. Tomorrow she would be on the train to Hogwarts. It almost seemed as though Andy knew that it would be years before the pair could meet again. As though she could feel it in her very soul. The hug they shared was so tight Narcissa nearly couldn’t breath. Still, they held onto each other for dear life. Before her departure, Narcissa made sure to take a picture with Nymphadora and Andromeda.That way she would know who her Aunty Cissa was.
~*~
That night back in a room that never felt like hers– a house that had never felt like home– Narcissa packed all of her belongings for Hogwarts. She shrunk her art and grabbed new books for the upcoming school year.While she packed shouldn't help but shed a tear. In that moment of quiet it had finally sunk in. She would never see Andromeda again. All she would have of her sister for the rest of her life was her perfect penmanship to remember her life.
~*~
After all the first day activities had settled Narcissa sat alone, painting in the astronomy tower., It was there she noticed a familiar owl perched on the railing. The owl carried one of those letters she so treasured. Just like always, the letter began with her nickname, the one Andy had called her for as long as Narcissa could remember.
Cissa,
I really loved seeing you yesterday! I hope we can do it again. I know that we won’t be able to for many months. It would be difficult, but perhaps we can write more often? I hope it's a yes. I forgot how much I missed spending time with you until we reunited yesterday. Have you seen Reggie or Sirius? If you haven't, please check on them for me. I got a letter from Sirius the other day;I wanted to make sure they’re both okay without getting either of them in trouble. I hope your classes go well tomorrow, fingers crossed, right?.
Your favorite sister, Andy
Of course Andromeda would have wanted to meet again. When had she become so naive as to think that they could remain sisters? The world inside their letters was far from reality. It was a bandage left on too long in fear of the sting that would come when it was ripped off. The real world: the world in which Narcissa would be married off the second she graduated, there was never any choices left to her. No way the two could still be sisters; not after Andy had gotten herself burnt off the tree. Sooner than later, she would be unable to keep up with the letters at all. For now, at least, she would do her best, try her hardest, to keep the bandage on.
Dear Andromeda,
I enjoyed seeing you as well. By next summer I am afraid our mother and father will continue to get more and more strict as the days go by; it will be harder and harder to get away. I hope you understand. I will try to write you as often as possible but you said it yourself: this year will have an even greater course load than the last and I must keep my standard O’s. I will check on Regulus and Sirius tomorrow. Hopefully their summer was better than my own. I can really only hope that classes are easy tomorrow.I worry I painted more than I studied this summer.
Love you more than you could possibly know, Narcissa Helene Black
~*~
She wasn’t a monster, she would have checked on Regulus and Sirius anyway. Now though Andromeda's letter worried her.What could have happened? Her aunt and uncle had always been worse than her own parents, surely it must have been dreadful had it required them to write Andromeda.
The next day, she made a point to talk to Regulus.While she sat next to him in the Great Hall, she couldn’t help but notice him wincing. The action necessary to move to put food on his plate seemed too much. On top of that he wasn’t even eating.
“Reggie, is everything alright? What happened this summer?” Narcissa whispered. She understood how the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black treated their children behind closed doors. She, like all her cousins had been taught it was a secret and must be kept that way.
“I am fine,” the words were sharp and metallic as if Regulus could cut her with them. She knew he was lying.She also knew she couldn’t call him out: not here. She couldn’t help him here either.
“I mean it, Cissy. Go away. Now.” Regulus knew. that Narcissa knew exactly what had happened.He didn't have any desire to talk about it, her knowing about it was plenty. Alas, the Black family's stubbornness had not skipped Narcissa;she would get what she wanted.Even if that meant she had to drag him out of the Great Hall by his ear.
She did in fact end up having to drag him out by his ear. Stubborn fourteen year olds had to have someone watching out for them; Merlin knew his parents weren't.
“Cissy will you please stop, I can walk you know, this is so embarrassing.” Regulus grit his teeth and stumbled after Narcissa. He may not have been happy with her but at least someone was looking out for him properly.
It was bad.Truthfully, the worst it had ever been. A simple healing charm would be insufficient. She was unsure how to help him.
“Reggie, why didn’t you tell me? You have to be in so much pain, is Sirius just as bad?”
“Er- yeah I think so, he took most of it. I tried to stop him but he wouldn’t listen.”
“Of course he did, the brave Gryffindor idiot,” Narcissa muttered with a roll of her eyes, still evaluating Regulus’s injuries. Of course Sirius was worse, he was always trying his hardest to protect his brother.
“I am going to go get his stupid arse right now. You stay here, got it?” Narcissa was annoyed. Of course they hadn’t just come to her. They always had to wait for her to track them down and make sure they were okay. All the while they suffered needlessly. I was absolutely ridiculous and frankly idiotic. And while the latter was common from Sirius she expected better from Reg.
Thanks to Sirius’ stupidity and perhaps pride, she had to march up to the Gryffindor table and drag him by his ear.If Regulus was stubborn, Sirius was 100 times worse, at least.
“Sirius, get your stupid arse over here this minute or, so help me Merlin. I will drag you right out of this Hall by your ear just like I did your brother. I am too tired to deal with this bullshit this morning.” In a turn of events, shocking to none, Sirius also had to be dragged out by his ear. Blacks were stubborn and yet these two may have just been the most stubborn ones to date.
“This is bullocks, why did you drag us both down here?” Sirius sounded annoyed but he had no idea what was coming.
“Because both of you are idiots who won’t just come to me when you are hurt and instead force yourselves to suffer. Now wherever you are hurt I need to see right now so I can try to fix it. If I am unsure how, I will write to Andy so she can provide further instruction.Contrary to what your mother may say, you two don’t deserve to suffer,” Narcissa was exasperated,these two didn’t understand that they didn’t deserve to suffer by their parent’s hand–by anyone’s for that matter– they never had, and they never would..
It didn’t take much of an evaluation to conclude they were far more hurt than Narcissa knew how to treat.That left her with really only one course of action.
“Now you both know I will come find you when I can heal the rest. Spare me please, but you will be forced to come back. If you didn’t like being dragged out this time, I promise you definitely won’t like it the next either."
With irritated sighs they each stomped away back to their house tables, without speaking so much as a word to the other. The two were almost a mirror of the other, even if they remained oblivious. It reminded Narcissa so much of Andy and herself. Narcissa could only hope this time the elder would bring the younger along when the day came. It would be the only opportunity to end their generations old cycle of loss and abandonment.
~*~
Dear Andy,
I need your help. I did what you asked and l checked in on the boys.They are so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I don’t know how to fix it this time. Do you have any spells that could help? I can tell what I did was not nearly enough;they are still in pain. I am clueless as to what else I can do.
Je t’aime de toutes les manières, Narcissa Helene Black
Dear Cissa,
After looking in every healing book I own, I found Fondio Tillsammans for bandaged and splinted fractures, as well as Brackium Emedo for healing broken bones. I hope those are enough. Thank you for checking on them. I know it can be difficult but they need someone to look after them.
Love you forever and always, Andy
~*~
Once Narcissa knew what spells to use she just had to learn how to perform them. As usual the letter arrived in the dead of night. She would have to find her cousins at breakfast. If they weren't being too stubborn they would expect her to heal them no matter what. They couldn't just ignore her.
When Narcissa entered the Great Hall, she scanned the room for her cousins. However, she couldn't seem to spot the two black heads of hair at their respective tables. Instead she sat down to eat breakfast; she could play their waiting game all the same. How would they know she had gotten the letter back? That she had spells to heal them? Why were they not eating? Narcissa would just talk to them both after she healed them. If she managed to find them, that is.
In a second scan of the great hall Narcissa noticed Lupin limp in with the rest of their little posse. That was one found, only one to go. The meal was almost over before she saw Regulus walk in, more pale than ever. How would these boys ever learn that suffering wasn't okay, nor was it necessary? Those two were going to be the death of her.
Narcissa stood from her seat at the Slytherin table and grabbed Reggie. Before quickly making their way across the great hall to grab Sirius. As the three cousins walked to the first empty class room she could feel the brothers icy cold stares at each other. These two boys needed to get it together if they were going to make it through whatever was coming their way.
“Now you two show me what is left to heal.” They begrudgingly obliged. “I am not afraid to stand here all day. Hurry up; we shouldn't be late for class.”
“Cissy it's really not that bad, I promise.” Regulus said,holding back a wince.
“You don’t lie to me Regulus. I know you don’t want to be weak, but it's not weak to ask for help. Especially when you need it.” He allows her to heal him. Narcissa even notices his faint smile from his pain being relieved.
“Thanks Cissy.”
“You're very welcome, now go get some toast.” Regulus collected himself. She watched as the walls came up, reorganizing his mind, becoming the perfect spare. “Now it's your turn, Sirius.”
“It's really not that bad Narcissa, I’m fine,” Sirius bit out. Her younger cousin had always reminded her of a dog, especially when hurt or angry. He was violent and rash, biting out in defense even to those trying to help.
“You aren’t fine and we both know it, so come on now,” finally he did. Perhaps it was because he knew she was right– not that he would ever admit it– or because he knew, ultimately,her intentions were good.All that mattered was that she could help him, that someone was there, for now at least.
It was a good thing too, he was the worst she had ever seen. Her dear aunty must have been having her own sick version of fun over the summer, and it showed.She healed him as best as she could, then sent him on his way back to his friends. They were his only hope to ever leave their family. His only hope to change. She prayed that he would leave:that he could change.
~*~
Dearest Andy,
The boys are taken care of; your spells worked. Selfishly, I wish you were still here, by my side.Realistically I am so happy you left because you have a future, an amazing bright one where all the stars align for you. You're a galaxy out of all us stars. I always hoped, prayed you would leave. I am glad you found Ted and he got you out. However, I am bitter because you're free; you got your freedom from the noble and most ancient house of black. So noble we are. I am forever bitter that you have so much while I can't have anything at all. When you left you cursed me to stay. I still love you and that's the worst part. I can't let you go, because as much as I wish to hate you, I love you…
That was the unsent letter. The letter that could never be graced with more than her tears and the flames of the common room fire. One that never saw the morning sun. The ink hadn’t even dried before there wasn’t a letter to send. After this letter Narcissa learned the power of unsent words. The words of the person she wanted to be. Because Narcissa had no choice she would marry a man she despised, she would have his child, she would raise him with what love was allowed. A meek existence. The only one she was allowed.
The next letter she would send would be written the same night she learned the power of her unsent words, words that were meant to burn a family, becoming ash themselves.
Dear Andy,
The boys are taken care of; I made sure of it. A handful they were. The blacks’ stubbornness, coming back to bite me. They think they are just so grown up. We did when we were that age too I am sure, but I think they just might be. Anyway how is dora? What color is her hair this week? Tell Ted I said hello.
Love you, Narcissa
Dear Cissa,
I am glad the boys are taken care of. They need someone in their lives to take care of them and sadly this seems to have fallen to us. Dora is amazing; she is getting so big you wouldn’t believe it. Her hair changes daily today is pink. (Her favorite, I suspect.) Yesterday was purple and the day before that yellow. It is very inconsistent as you can tell. Ted says hi and that he hopes your classes aren't terrible. Oh how we don't miss school
Love you, Andy
~*~
Their letters would continue till Christmas:the day Sirius left. That was the last day she wasn’t watched like a flight risk. She was a flight risk. She wanted out, but her fate was sealed, much like Regulus’. The ones they never really wanted– the so-called ‘spares’. That summer her world changed; her absence was no longer unnoticed. Her marriage was planned and her family joined the dark side. She was finally trapped completely. There was no chance for escape, if there ever had been . Forever she was trapped in the world she hated: now with her husband to be. Without her sister. Expected to bear the next heir of the Malfoy fortune. Never allowed to ever say the name of her lost sister.
~*~
The second war is over now, she can see her sister again. Did she even want to? What would she say? Would she ask why the letters stopped? Why she never told her the complete truth? But she gets to see her again, that's all she could ask for. She finds her son, her boy, and tells the aurors everything she knew: all for the chance to escape imprisonment, for the chance to experience freedom for the first time in her life.