Chapter Text
Rin is never good at expressing what he truly feels. What Rin is good at is isolating himself and twisting his words to oblivion; he doesn't care about the image other people see of him. But somehow, a strange individual sees beauty in him, befriends him, views him as a normal being, and is not afraid to approach him.
The said person, Hiori Yo, made Rin understand the idea of loving someone without remorse. Hiori reached for him, searched for warmth in him. No. Hiori generated warmth in Rin.
Hiori always approaches Rin with care. He knows when Rin is agitated with someone, or when Shidou’s just shitting on him on purpose, when Rin feels bad after letting his mouth run, when Rin looks at Hiori’s eyes and see somber in them, or when Rin accepts his hug, reciprocating his feelings. Hiori sees how Rin’s eyes turn downcast and will look for his presence. Hiori always hears how their friends say, “Rin turns to a different person when he’s with you,” an exaggeration, really, but Hiori can’t blame them when his boyfriend exactly acts like it. His boyfriend sucks at expressing what he truly feels; he’s not a monster, an asshole, sometimes, yes.
The two shared a promise, more like an agreement, with each other of to do not to make promises if you do not have the ability to fulfill them.
“Do not ever make promises like that.”
The sunset hits the two figures sitting at a bench, basking in the sea breeze. Hiori turned his head to see his lover, frowning, a different frown Rin usually has on his face when he’s talking to someone that is not Hiori.
“What d’ya mean about that? Isn't it normal for two lovers to make cheesy promises?” Nudging the other with a teasing manner, making the other grumble more, “That is lame.” Rin pointed out. Hiori, receiving the reply, raises his hands in surrender, “Okay, Mister Edgelord, how about a pinky promise?” Now raising his pinky finger, “Come on, it can’t be that bad. Humor me, pretty please.”
With a sigh, Rin faces the cyan-haired boy, linking their pinky, “What now?”
“Let’s wish for a fun relationship.”
Stunned by the other’s words, controlling every movement, Rin looks at Hiori, and there he sees how Hiori’s eyelashes reach his cheek when he blinks, the way those eyes land on him, the way his hair sways with the wind. “What exactly do you mean by fun?” Hiori just nods at him with such a carefree smile that Rin absolutely despises. It makes him vulnerable; it makes his insides churn in a foreign way, making his heart beat fast. “You’re dating me, what’s fun in that?”
Hiori hunches over as he laughs, a melody that again makes Rin’s heart beat fast. Hiori faces him with eyes full of adoration, the sunset glows onto his skin, making him ethereal, breathtaking even as Rin let out a ragged breath.
“Ya hated it when I said I wanted a long relationship with ya,” Hiori started, still locking gaze with Rin’s aquamarine ones, “then, I wish for fun moments with ya with all the time we’re going to spend together.” Hiori’s voice echoes in Rin’s mind and heart? He might be going crazy as he thinks he caught Hiori’s eyes glistening; he may need to see an eye doctor sometime soon.
“You’re overthinking it.” Rin managed to mumble, intertwining his hand with Hiori, “Well, you’re not that bad. I guess.”
“Ya guess? Sorry for not reaching your expectations then,” Hiori sing-songed, earning a click of tongue from the former, “Don’t say that.” Rin knows the word expectations left a bitter taste on Hiori’s life, and hearing his boyfriend casually saying that, especially to him, makes him feel a bit uncomfortable.
“‘Kay, I’ll shut up.”
“Don’t shut up.”
Rin again heard Hiori’s sweet laugh as he removed his gaze from him, returning his gaze to the sea in front of them. He felt another hand grab his cheek, then lips landing on the cheek facing Hiori’s direction. “Ya make me so happy, I hope ya know that.” Leaning his head on Rin’s shoulder, letting his eyes enjoy the view of the sea.
When Rin lowers his eyes, he sees Hiori’s closed eyes, his free hand resting on top of their intertwined hands. A tingle bloomed in Rin’s heart. What Rin does next is place a kiss on the head resting on his shoulder.
In Hiori’s and Rin’s apartment, Hiori has gathered his groupmates for their upcoming presentation while Rin is away with the student council work. Yup, Rin in the student council. Hiori’s friends still look at him funny when he reminds them that Rin is going to be late because he’s at the student council and that they can work on their activities at their apartment.
Their conversation strays away from their activity to Hiori’s very own love life. Hiori adores his friends, really, but sometimes their mouths don’t know when to stop, too. With Yukimiya looking at him with a look that obviously says ‘I’m sorry’, Hiori exchanged a sorry look with him too.
“Learn to turn off your thoughts, shit-head,” Raichi grumbles towards Isagi, typing a bit too furiously on his laptop. Kurona, who’s taken aback at his friend’s words, nodded, “Right, right, that is rude. Apologise to Hiori, if Rin heard what you’ve said, you’re dead, dead.”
Hiori only laughed when Isagi apologized to him and accepted it, it is sincere of course, but let his head wander around the words that left Isagi’s mouth. Yukimiya, the reliable friend he is, managed to divert the three’s attention back to their main activity.
“Your relationship’s the type that will not last long.”
Hiori knows his friend is brainy, a genius if you may, though sometimes he over-analyses things. Shaking off the thoughts, Hiori tries to focus on the contents of his laptop.
…
He and Rin are aware of that. That is why they don’t make promises like let’s stay for eternity or whatever cheesy, they keep it realistic, every relationship doesn’t last long or goes into the rainbow road. They've been together for almost two years, well, in two weeks exactly, it'll be two years. Seven hundred thirty days is many days, right? There were ups and downs, misunderstandings, going through a day with giving each other a cold shoulder, and isolation, mostly that was on Rin’s side. Still, they talk it out. Good communication is not one of Rin’s fortes, but he’s an adult who’s able to grasp the situation they are in. Hiori talks, and Rin will listen, or it’s the other way.
It’s not like Hiori likes the idea of him and Rin breaking up, but also, he cannot imagine the future him and Rin still together. Was their relationship a bit too into reality? Hiori pondered and felt his chest tighten at the thought, can’t he and Rin also be cheesy? There are a lot of times when Rin is unconsciously funny in front of Hiori; he’s never always guarded, there are a lot of times…
How long are they going to keep up with the relationship? Is Rin even happy in their relationship?
It is an awful thought, Hiori admitted to himself, adjusting his position, still typing on his laptop after Yukimiya gave him instructions.
Rin left his and Hiori’s apartment with a heavy heart; he would not admit it in front of his boyfriend. They were supposed to rest, catch up with things happening when they’re apart, watch a horror movie, or go on a walk near the sea and sit in their favorite spot. But his great brother insisted that he needs to visit home. His relationship with his brother is complicated. When did Rin have a not-complicated relationship with someone? There are only four people he recognizes as ‘okay’ in his life. His Mom, Dad, Sae, and Yo only.
He was greeted by his mother with a hug, Rin mumbles I’m home, before letting his mom pull away. “I thought you’d bring Yo.” Did Rin forget to ask Yo to come with him? He comes home to Kamakura lots of times with his boyfriend, so why did he forget to ask his boyfriend to come this time? Rin mentally blames his brother, making him lost from his own thoughts.
Rin told his mother that Yo’s busy with his group activity, which is technically not a lie, because literally yesterday, he came home with, instead of his boyfriend alone, there were four other men in their apartment. Surely next time he will not forget to ask him to come.
“I’m surprised you didn't invite him.” Sae is sitting on the couch with a phone in his hand, probably talking with his stupid-insect-shitsmear boyfriend. “He is busy, you heard it well.” Rin sat on the opposite couch, far from his brother. “Why'd you ask me to come home anyway? You could just, I don't know, visit me and Yo there?” Grumbled Rin, typing on his own phone to message Hiori.
“News flash, brother, our parents wanted to see you too.” He saw his brother roll his eyes at him, then stood up to leave.
Returning the action he just received from his brother, Rin too stood up to talk to his mom.
“Mom, Yo said hi.” Showing his phone to his Mom.
> Yo, 10:34
good to knoww
tell your family i said hi!
Rin, 10:35 <
of course
> Yo, 10:35
yay
10:37
[image attached]
yuki and others are here again if u dont mind
and nanase karasu too
Rin, 10:37 <
dont let them burn the apartment.
> Yo, 10:38
yea 🙄
love ya
Rin, 10:38 <
love u too
(Yo reacted 💙)
read, 10:38
“I'm glad Yo's doing well.” His mom looked at the photo Yo sent, it was the seven of them in the living area, a fond smile spread on her face.
“You're doing well too, I assume.” His mother added while mixing the curry she's cooking. “Yeah, everything is well,” Rin answered shortly, because there were no other things to say. Both he and Yo are content with what they have right now. “Good to know, dear. Can you prepare the dining table for us?” Nodding at his mother's words as he does the work in peace.
After their lunch, the siblings cleaned and dried the dishes. Sae followed Rin to his room.
“Do you need something?” Said Rin, sitting on his own bed while Sae sat in a chair near his desk.
“I got you and Hiori something.” Placing the bag on Rin's table, “Bought it in France.”
Rin looked up to see a bag on his desk, raised an eyebrow at his brother, who in the world would put their gift on the desk instead of the person who will accept the gift? Itoshi Sae.
“Okay, thank you. I'll tell Yo.” Rin turned his head down again to do whatever he was doing before. Sae lets him and leaves the room quietly.
Hiori sighs dreamily after reading the message he received from his boyfriend. That did not escape Karasu’s eyes, “Ya look tired, did something happen between you and Rin?” Hiori listens to his friend's concern, him tired?, swatting the hands of Karasu's away, “Whaddya mean about that? No, nothing happened. This fuckin’ activity happened.” Hiori pointed at their laptops with force.
That satisfies the concerns of the older, Karasu huffs a laugh, then ruffles Hiori’s already unkempt hair. “Sure, but if something happens, I'm one call away. Ya know that.”
“I know, I know. Thanks, ya smart guy.”
It was past five in the evening when Rin came home. Rin was again welcomed by Hiori’s friends in their living area, and they were watching a live League of Legends game on the TV. Rin scanned his eyes around. It is not messy; Hiori’s friends probably cleaned up before, or they have decent etiquette when visiting a friend’s home. Well, they did this a lot of times; they're probably used to it.
After he greeted his boyfriend and his boyfriend only, Rin sat at the table, away from Hiori and his friends, who were on the couch and floor in front of the TV. The seven of them erupt in cheers time to time (that are not too loud or they will get a complaint from their neighbor or, more likely, from Rin), Rin watches them from afar, feeling a bit slushy inside, watching his boyfriend have a wonderful time with his friends. The way Hiori’s eyes closed from laughing too much, or when Karasu commented on something, his eyes lit up with interest, or when Isagi pointed out something, and Hiori would also point out what caught his eye, or when Nanase pouted at something, Hiori would give him a gentle smile.
Does Hiori also feel happy when he’s with him? Is he holding back Hiori from experiencing happiness?
It was an awful thought, Rin felt uneasiness creep up to his throat. Why the hell would he think about that? Such lukewarm thoughts pestering his brain, of-fucking-course Hiori is happy with him. They will never start a relationship when one is unhappy anyway.
After hours, finally, Rin tried not to let out a sigh of relief when the game they were watching finally ended. The six of them said their goodbyes, now leaving him and Hiori alone.
“How did it go? Your visit to your family, I mean.” Said Hiori, placing a kiss on Rin’s cheek before placing himself next to Rin. The two on their bedroom after a long day, it is one of the moments Rin anticipates every day. “It was fine.” There’s nothing more to add. Hiori just hummed. The two caught up with the events happened, and the two decided to call it a day. Rin resting his arms around Yo’s bit smaller frame, nuzzling his face at the crown of the other’s head, smelling the minty shampoo Yo uses, Rin again let his head wander around the thought of if Hiori is not content with this relationship.
Will Yo be happier if he lets him go? Maybe? Rin reaches for Yo’s hair to caress, will letting Yo go help him to see the true purpose of life? Maybe Rin is more selfish than he thought he was. Rin mentally slapped himself. What he needs is to rest, not to overthink about what Yo thinks about their relationship.
It’s been a week of Rin giving Yo the cold shoulder, coming home late to see Yo’s friends at their apartment, and seeing Yo’s smiling face, enjoying the company of his friends. Yo is doing fine even without him, and that was enough for Rin. If this will be the key to let Yo feel the happiness he deserves, then Rin will gladly do this all the time.
Hiori is, in fact, not having fun. Sure, he enjoys the time he spends with his friends, but he misses his boyfriend. The two live in the same space, go to the same college, sleep in one bed, and yet Hiori felt his boyfriend was gone, and what's left to him was a soulless body of Itoshi Rin. Hiori bites his lip at the thought. He needs to start making his own move before Rin slips away from him. Things were going great, and suddenly Rin pulled out a confusing move. What the hell happened to them?
“Ya know, ye’re not good at hiding yer feelings. The activity was already done three days ago. What’s the new reason for ya to look depressed? ” Damn Karasu and his observant nature. That is, Hiori doesn't want to open his and Rin’s problem to their friends. Hiori knew his friends could help him reflect on his thoughts, but, listening to his gut feeling, Hiori did not have the heart yet to talk with everyone.
The seven of them are together again. Hiori thinks it is about his friends noticing Rin’s absence and his glum state. Karasu and Hiori are in the kitchen preparing something edible for them to eat.
“It’s nothin’ big, just Rin building a wall between us,” Hiori replied, focusing on the popcorn he’s mixing. Noticing his friend stopped moving, “Come on, the game will start in ten minutes, move it.” Turning his head to see Karasu, looking at him like he had grown a second head. “What?”
“Nothin’ big, do ya hear what ye’re saying? Hiori, ye’re not that dumb to not notice things, or ya chose to stop noticin’ things?” Karasu maintains his voice down, although his voice laces anger in it. His eyes pierce Hiori’s existence. This is the reason why he doesn't want to open up yet. Hiori already feels tired, and Karasu’s not done yet. “Do ya trust me?” Hiori shortly replied, eyes almost pleading with his friend, “I promise, I will come to ya if somethin’ happens.”
Hiori hears him sigh. Karasu has been his best friend for a long time and has been one of the friends he trusts fully, that Karasu will always accept him with open arms. The older had already heard and seen him in a state of full tears, ranting about how overbearing his parents are. “Whatever. do what’ya want.” Hiori is thankful that Karasu stopped pressing on him. Focusing on the bright side, Hiori beams the older a smile before bringing the popcorn for the others, leaving Karasu alone in the kitchen.
Just as Rin was about to leave the council’s room, just before his day could get better, he received a message from Hiori’s best friend.
> Karasu Tabito, 15:54
talk to yo when u got home
I dont know and i dont want to snoop further but i hate seeing my friend lose the light in his eyes
fix whatever the fuck is going on between you and him
read, 17:15
I already planned it, nosy crow. Rin is no coward; he always faces reality, no matter what happens. When he got home, surprisingly, it was only Karasu and Nanase there with Yo. Before Rin could ask where the others were, Karasu stood up with Nanase following him. “This is our cue to leave. See ya tomorrow, Yori.”
Rin knew his eyes were in perfect condition when he saw Karasu peering in his direction with eyes staring directly at him.
Hiori bid his own goodbyes; now the two were left in an awkward air. When did it start to feel like a stranger to your own lover? Hiori shifted uncomfortably on the couch he’s sitting on, fiddling with his phone.
Rin hates it. Rin hates how Yo is acting in front of him right now. He felt his insides boil in anger. This is not how he should feel when he’s with Yo, of all people.
“So… What’s happenin’, why are ya shuttin me out all of a sudden?” Hiori started, still not looking into Rin’s eyes or direction.
Rin stands there, absorbing the questions he heard. Rin wanted to scoff at what he had heard. Him? Shutting him out? “Don’t do that, I’m askin' ya nicely.” So he let out the scoff he was thinking, Rin replied in a sigh, “I am not shutting you out, you could've worded it out properly. I am doing you a favor.
“Favor of what exactly? You could've worded it out properly.” Hiori now raises his head towards him, eyes that used to look at Rin with fondness now narrowed at him. Repeating what the former just said to him, heat lacing every word.
Rin felt a muscle in his jaw tighten, “I’m letting you enjoy your life instead of being stuck with me.” He feels his heart stammering at every second he spends in the living area with Yo, the air making him forget how to breathe properly.
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about? Do ya enjoy leaving your partner alone and what? Let me spend my time here alone, at our own apartment?” Yo stood up to level Rin’s eyes, “Rin, you do me a favor and open up with me.” Yo feels his hands trembling in his sides; he is never a fan of arguing with someone. Yo wonders if he looks exactly like his mother right now. It stings his eyes, Yo exhaled, he’s letting this affect him way too much.
“There’s nothing to open up about.”
“There is, ya jerk. What ye’re doin’ right now is stupid. Didja hit your head before decidin' ya need to clear things with me?”
Yo thinks he should calm down and have a conversation with Rin like a mature adult, but what Rin is doing right now is not helping him with the situation. The younger just scoffed, let alone rolled his eyes at his sudden outburst.
“I’m saying is,” Rin’s point finger landed on Yo’s chest, “You need to learn about being happy without me around you.” Fierce glowered in his eyes, piercing straight to Yo’s narrowed ones. Rin is aware of his heavy breathing, how his heart is twisting, and how horrible he feels seeing Yo’s eyes widen in shock. Truthfully, Rin cannot read the face Yo is making.
Swatting the finger away from his chest with force, Yo continued to glare at the younger, “Ya could have stated it straight instead of twisting your words! Ya want to break up with me!” Yo took a step back and scanned the person in front of him, emotionless as ever. Yo let out a dry laugh. So this was it? Foremost, he and Rin are aware that not all relationships will last full of love, but why does this hurt Hiori so much? Why does this situation make Hiori want to run away? Yo thought he stopped running away a long time ago. Why is everything happening all at once? It’s making him dizzy.
“That is not what I am trying to say, Yo.” Rin was again struck by what he heard before; he’s an asshole who cannot understand the feeling of being loved. Rin only loves what’s best for Hiori.
“Then, what is it, Rin-kun? What could it possibly mean if it is not ending the relationship with me?” Rin doesn’t know what to say. He just stands there looking at Yo’s sorry state. He should be wrapping his arms around his lover, but instead, he looks at him with an unreadable expression, standing still as if a chain is wrapped around his legs, hindering him from moving freely.
“I’m not going to be angry if that is what ya want. I’m glad someone made me feel loved, even if its in short time.” Hiori’s voice breaks, a small smile still plastered on his face despite in the verge of breaking down.
“Yo, that is not what I meant. You know how hard it is for me to do this.”
“Do you think this is easy for me? All I ask is for your honesty.”
Rin hates this.
“You’re being difficult.”
Rin is lying to his teeth and needs to stop talking.
“You don’t understand how I feel when you’re not with me.”
Rin’s hand should be clamped in his mouth.
“You don’t need me in your life.”
Rin needs Yo in his life.
Yo needs Rin in his life.
“Who are you to say that?” Hiori’s voice cracked, “Rin, I want you to calm down. Please.” Yo reached for Rin’s hands, which was a fail, as Rin pushed his hands away. “Don’t say a word impulsively.”
“Stop it. There is no need to fix this, we’re just hurting ourselves.” Rin wants to bash his own head against the wall.
Yo laughs that sounds far from joy, “You’re making this difficult for us. Rin, ya told me you want me to learn to be happy when ye’re not around. You are lying. Ye’re not on yer right mind right now.” Yo gave up on reaching out for a touch from Rin, his throat bobbed as he swallowed the lump forming, “Let’s talk tomorrow morning again, say it to my face if you really want me out of your life.”
“I’m tired, good night.” Rin watches Yo retreat, his shaky voice lingers in his mind. Rin didn't hear the door lock click, meaning Yo still welcomes him in their bed. Does he still have the privilege to sleep beside him after saying hurtful words to him?
In the end, Rin still slept with Yo feet apart as the older faces the wall. The morning Rin didn't want to arrive came, he woke up without Yo on the other side. Of course, that will happen.
He saw Yo sitting in the dining area, already freshened up, and an out-of-place overnight bag was settled on the couch. Rin did not miss those red-rimmed eyes.
“First. I want to say that I don't hate you. I love you too much, I wish you were aware of it. I know you hate hearing these words, but let me say this again: you make me feel alive.”
Will things change if Rin stops Hiori from talking? Rin watches his lover pour out his emotions that he cannot save. His heart twists painfully, but at the same time, he doesn't know what to do, how to stop the pain.
“Again, I respect yer decision if ya want this to end.” He hears him laugh, laughing should be done when you’re happy, his eyes not mirroring the pain in his voice.
“I already told you, I don’t want to break up, we don’t need to do it.” At this point, Rin doesn’t know if these are the right words to say.
“Then say it, what do ya want? Rin, nothin’ will happen if we keep on doin’ this.”
That snaps the last sanity holding Rin down, “Then leave. You sound like you don’t want to fight for our relationship. THEN GET OUT!” Rin slammed his hands on the table, his voice roared down the entire apartment, saw how hard Yo flinched, looking up at him with fear. Rin paled when he realized what he had done.
“DON’T SHOW YOUR FACE EVER TO ME AGAIN!”
All you people do is give up on me and leave me wounded. Rin, with all his fury, almost snapped the chair’s leg. He stomped down to enter their bedroom, his bedroom, leaving the cyan-haired spiraling with his thoughts alone.
Rin saw how Yo’s lips quivered, and his eyes welled up with tears, and it was all his fault. He does not cry, Rin can't cry; he's done this on his own. He deserves to be called a shitty person. Wiping his eyes harshly, making his vision darken and blurry, he does not care at this point. If he's going to be blind, so be it.
He heard the front door closing. Yo didn't slam the door, he never does. Yo knows he's sensitive when something or someone is loud around him. His heavy breathing sounds louder than the door closing, Yo must've also heard him breathing like an animal nearing its end.
All Rin could do was lie down and stare at the ceiling.
I wish I were a kinder person. Hell, Rin is aware that wishing for something he's not working on is not going to happen. Fuck. Rin curses him to sleep, praying to all the gods for Yo’s safety wherever he is right now.