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“Si, Mama , I hear you. I’m sure you will make an excellent abuela . No, I’m not getting any younger.” Rafael sighed into the phone, “You do realize that I am not physically capable of making you a grandchild, right?... Si…Ay, te amo, mama .” He ended the call and dropped the phone onto his desk. “ Mierda .”
“Counselor, anything I can help with?” His assistant poked her head into the room. He must have been louder than he thought.
“No, thank you.” He waved her off and closed his eyes as the door clicked shut. He had too much to deal with, and now his mother was on his case again about her lack of grandchildren. He flipped open the case file in front of him and got back to work. He had to prep witnesses today, he didn’t have time to think about smelly, obnoxious tiny humans. He wasn’t even cut out for relationships, what made her think a defenseless child could rely on him?
*****//*****
You could always adopt, Querido. You don’t need a lady friend to have babies nowadays.
Rafael rolled his eyes at the text message.
Thank you for the brilliant insight, Mama. Now go to sleep.
It was late. Rafael plugged in his phone and pulled up the sheets. He wished he could turn off his brain as easily as he turned off the lights. Babies were not on his radar. They shouldn’t be on his radar. Babies hated him. He wasn’t a huge fan of them either. If he hadn’t given up on love so long ago, maybe it might have been a possibility. But alone? No way. He tossed and turned until he drifted off to sleep.
~~~~
“Papa! Papa!” The little girl bounced over to Rafael and leapt into his arms. He picked her up and spun in a circle, grinning widely.
“Hey mija ! How was school?”
“ Excelente ! I learned how to write my last name, wanna see?” She wriggled free from his grasp and ran back to the sitter, who passed her the small sequined backpack. Rafael’s heart swelled at the sight of the off center, inconsistently sized letters. “See! B, A, R, B, A! Mine is easy cuz it’s only four letters and two are repeats. Amora, she has a really long last name and it’s got like EIGHT letters!”
Rafael laughed, “Well, I guess Amora has to work harder, huh?”
“Yeah, but I helped her. She didn’t know how to write a Y. I can do a Y. Wanna see?”
Rafael sat on the bench and waved goodbye to the babysitter, “of course I do, querida .” He pulled his daughter into his lap and watched her little tongue stick out the side of her mouth as she concentrated on her letters.
~~~~~
Barba sat up straight in his bed, panting. He looked around, recognized his surroundings, then dropped backwards and groaned. His mother had gotten into his head. That, or the Chinese food last night was bad. He wasn’t cut out to be a father. It was early, but he figured he’d get in a workout and coffee before heading to the office. Clear his head.
*****//*****
Barba stood on the other side of the glass with Olivia. His blood was boiling, listening to the piece of dirt in the other room actually BRAG about luring young girls into his apartment. He didn’t understand how Carisi could stand it, how he could say those things without vomiting. He could tell the younger man was disgusted, how his hand was clenching and unclenching against his thigh, the line of his shoulders was bunched and tense, but he SOUNDED so…slimy. He’d taken his brash Staten Island ‘bro’ routine and convinced this moron that he’d get a slap on the wrist for raping 11 pre-teen girls because “in some places they’re already married with kids, amirite?” Finally, Carisi handed dirtbag the pen to sign his ‘statement’ (he’d avoided the use of the word ‘confession,’ which was smart). The minute it was signed, Olivia and Fin burst in and roughly cuffed him.
“What the hell, man?! I explained it all! They wanted me! You get that, right?!” The guy yelled as best he could, with his face smashed against the wall.
Carisi stood and stretched his neck, then grabbed the pen and paper off the table. “Yeah, you explained it all right. And I got someone on the other side of that glass who’s gonna LOVE putting you away for a LONG time,” he said with a sneer. He followed the trio out the door, and when he saw Barba on the other side of the glass, he practically collapsed against the wall. “Ugh, I need a showah. How come I always get to be the skeevy detective?”
Barba smirked, “it’s the residue of that pornstache. You can pull off skeevy.”
Carisi made a face at him. “Har-de-har har. You’re hilarious, counselah. I think it’s just my clear prowess at undercover work.”
“Sure, keep telling yourself that, Detective. Now let’s nail this son of a bitch. Maybe I’ll forget to have him put in solitary…save the taxpayers a trial.” Barba pushed past Carisi, but froze when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey now, Counselah, no mistrials, right? What’s got your panties in a bunch? He’s a garden rate scumbag, yeah, but your face is all…pinchy.” He waved his long fingers around the general direction of Barba’s face.
“Wrinkles, Detective. Happens to the best of us with age. And stress. Goes with the grey hairs you give me.” Barba walked away from the younger man, hoping his ‘pinchy’ face didn’t give him away. He’d always hated anyone who would hurt someone else, especially someone innocent or defenseless, but cases involving kids were starting to hit him a lot harder lately. Less of a boiling rage, more of a punch to the gut. Instead of wanting to see these bastards behind bars, he wanted to have the joy of strangling them with his own two hands. He wanted to protect these kids. The fact that all of these girls had been in foster care, and it had taken some of them months to come forward because they all feared not being believed? That was a knife to his heart.
Kids shouldn’t feel like they were so worthless that nobody would believe they’d been hurt.
But these kids had spent years in foster care. Transferred from group home to group home until they were certain they weren’t wanted, that nobody cared about them.
Kids should never feel unwanted.
Spur of the moment, Barba veered off course. Instead of heading back to his office, he headed down to ACS. As he walked in, several of the case workers waved to him, but were too busy to stop and chat. He’d worked on a lot of their cases during his stint with SVU. Awkwardly, coffee in hand, he looked at the brochures on the wall.
“Counselor?” Barba jumped and almost spilled his coffee.
“Jeez! Uh, yes, Diane, how are you?” He shuffled the things in his arms and shook her hand.
“I’m good, how are you? Who are you here to see today?” The assistant asked, ushering him to an empty desk to set his papers down.
“um…nobody in particular, actually. Just…” For once, the great lawyer was at a loss for words. He felt his face heat up as he gathered his things in a more organized fashion, “never mind, I just got detoured. I’ve got some work to do. Hopefully I won’t be needing to talk to anyone here about a case for a long time.”
“Unfortunately, that’s not likely, Counselor.” Diane said with a frown. “Here.” She placed a green folder on top of his stack, face down.
Barba laughed sarcastically, “giving me more work? Thanks!”
The older woman patted his cheek, “I get the impression it’s what you were looking for. Now shoo.” She waved him out the door.
*****//*****
“So you want to become a Foster or Adoptive Parent ?” The brochure headline and cheesy fake smiles of the stock photo glared at him from across his desk. The sneaky woman had given him the information and application packet. Maybe his mother had called ahead. She always claimed she was a little psychic.
“ Mierda .” Barba snarled, pushing the papers onto the floor. He wasn’t cut out to be a parent. He worked long hours, his father was…his father. He cared more about his job than anything else. It was his life. He didn’t have room for anything else. Or anyone else. He’d come to terms with being too damn old for love, why was he all of a sudden yearning to bring a child into his home? Into his heart? He stood, picked up the papers, and dropped them into his trash can before shutting off the lights and heading to bed.
~~~~~
“Barba, she’s amazing.” Olivia sat with Rafael in the park as they watched their kids play. “I can’t believe she’s only 5, she’s so smart.”
Rafael smiled broadly and laughed, “well, of course, look at her father!” His little girl was playing with Noah and correcting his “math” of stick and rock addition and subtraction.
*****//*****
“No offense, Counselah, but you look like crap…” Sonny seemed to appear out of nowhere, swooping alongside him in the courthouse hall. “Need more coffee?”
Barba grunted and handed Carisi his empty cup. He’d stopped sleeping well since he started having the dreams. His waking self was PISSED at his dream self. Dream self was so damn happy and his smile drove Awake self crazy. Barba didn’t smile. Not like that. He worked too damn hard to let himself smile like that. He barely noticed when Carisi scuttled off to get him a refill.
The worst part was, he WANTED to smile like that. He hated that his mother was right. That she DID seem to be getting more psychic. Or maybe her pushing was what was driving these thoughts. It didn’t matter. He’d been perfectly happy living alone, working to the bone to put horrible people behind bars where they belonged. OK, maybe not HAPPY, but content. It was what he was good at, it was his contribution to society. He’d pushed away thoughts of family and children long ago when he committed to this career. He’d tried relationships, and they always failed because of his career. The fact that these thoughts were rearing their head NOW, when he was closer to retirement age than he’d care to admit? It wasn’t fair.
He thought about the application Diane had given him. Over the past several days, he’d taken it out of the trash, filled it out, tossed it back in the trash, taken it out, reread his answers to the questions, and most recently left it in his office desk to review one more time. Maybe if he could get one more conviction. Prove to the world he was good enough.
With the decision made, he forgot to scowl at Carisi as he handed him the fresh coffee. Judging by the way the detective’s face lit up, he might have even smiled.
Two days later, he got that conviction. The jury barely sat down to deliberate before returning the verdict, and Barba smiled politely at the detectives congratulating him, the family thanking him, as he collected his papers. As usual, he refused the invitations to celebrate the win with “his team.” He walked back to his office and saw the folder slightly poking out of his second drawer. The bright green staring at him accusingly.
It was late. He could do it in the morning.
But would he? Would he lose his nerve?
His hand reached for the light switch, then stopped. Just do it, pendejo . He swung back into his office, grabbed the folder, and strode confidently down to ACS.
“Counselor, to what do we owe the…” Diane looked at the folder in his hand and smiled. “took you long enough.”
Barba rolled his eyes, “It’ll probably be denied. I work long hours, I’m single, I’m not a good candidate. But you gave it to me, so I’ll add to your paperwork.” He handed her the packet and tried to hide the slight shake to his outstretched hand.
The woman took the folder and patted his hand. “You’re a good man, Mr. Barba. You’d make a wonderful father. I’ll put a rush on this for you.”
Barba shook his head, “No need, Diane. Don’t put someone else behind just because you know me.”
* psh * Diane shook her head, “Rafael Barba, you need to live a little. There are a lot of children who could help you do just that, and who would be blessed to be safe and secure with someone like you. I’m putting this on the appropriate desk tonight. Now go get some rest.”
~~~~~
“Papa! Papa!” The little girl was screaming as two masked men dragged her away. Rafael was running after them, but he was too slow. They pushed her into a van and drove off. Rafael pushed himself harder than he’d ever run before, screaming the whole way. His heart pounding out of his chest, screaming for help, but nobody noticed.
He collapsed on the sidewalk, scrabbling for his phone that wasn’t there. His tears were hitting the sidewalk as he begged for a phone, or for someone to call 911, but everyone kept walking. He’d worn his heart outside his body, and now it was being ripped away…
~~~~~
Barba woke up screaming and in a cold sweat. Tears were running down his face and he couldn’t push the adrenaline down, even after realizing it was a dream. There was no little girl to love. Nobody who could be used against him. Nobody to be taken. He grabbed his phone and started to make the call to cancel his application.
But it was 3am. Nobody was there.
Go back to sleep. It can wait until morning. They’ll probably deny you anyway . He tried to convince himself everything would be fine. This was why he shouldn’t have someone so vulnerable in his life. What if he lost them?
*****//*****
Barba never made that call. SVU caught another case, it never ends. He focused all his energy, day and night, on putting the bastard away. They’re all bastards. All he sees, day in and day out. Two weeks later, the jury was deliberating, and he got a knock on the door.
It was Diane from ACS. “Letter for you, sir…” she handed him the sealed envelope. “Figured I’d hand deliver it, instead of making you wait for the mail.” She stood in front of him expectantly, shifting her weight from foot to foot, wanting him to open it.
He took the envelope and licked his lips nervously. “Thanks.” He sat it on his desk and looked back up at her.
“I’ll…see you soon, then, Counselor…” She smiled politely and left.
Barba stared at the envelope. Plain, manila paper, printed address label. No glaring letters saying “Congratulations!” But nothing screaming he’d been denied. He checked the clock. 5:45pm, definitely late enough for a drink. He poured himself a decent amount of his good scotch and sat down in front of the envelope.
After drinking half the contents of his glass, he tore the seal and pulled out the group of papers.
“Dear. Mr. Barba;
After careful review of your application to become an adoptive parent, we regret to inform you…”
He didn’t read any more. He stared at the letter blankly, letting his other hand drape over the drink on his desk. He’d tried to prepare for this. He expected this. He wasn’t a good candidate. He didn’t know why he’d even applied. And they knew it.
His back was to the door, and he was too lost in his thoughts to hear the click of the latch. “Hey Counselah!” Carisi grinned at him briefly. Until the older man barely responded. “What’s going on? It’s not more death threats, right? Barba?”
“No, Detective. Not that.” Barba tried to nonchalantly wipe the tears that hovered behind his eyes, but then a thin hand covered his.
“Hey, what the hell? Don’t tell me it’s nothin’, OK?” He stroked a long thumb over Barba’s knuckles, then looked down at the letter in his lap. “ACS? Barba, you…”
Rafael seemed to snap, then. He pulled back from Carisi and threw the papers across the room. “Yeah, and they weren’t stupid enough to accept me, OK? Good for you, Detective, you caught the great ADA Barba in a moment of weakness. Now go brag to your friends or something, and get out of my office!” He grabbed the door and slammed it open, swinging an arm toward the exit.
Carisi just looked at him. That kicked puppy look. The one Barba pretended to hate, but somewhere deep down he found somewhat endearing. “Barba…”
“NO! Don’t ‘Barba’ me! I had a brief moment of insanity and thought I might be able to have a life outside this job. That’s not in the cards. I’m fine with that, I just need to get this out of my head. So, detective…Get. Out.”
Carisi stepped forward. “I can stay.” He ignored Barba’s hand on the door and cupped his face in his hands. “If you want.” He stroked his hand across Barba’s cheek, sweeping away the tears that had started to fall.
Barba wanted him to leave. He didn’t want anyone to see this. He’d been stupid to think for even a second that he’d have a chance. He’d actually been jealous of his best friend, seeing her so happy with Noah and still doing her job as well as she did. He’d been weak. He was being weak RIGHT NOW. And Carisi was there. Seeing him. The real him. Touching him.
Slowly, he closed the door. He leaned forward slightly, pressing his forehead against Carisi’s shoulder. He nodded, sliding his hands around the slim waist of the man in front of him as he let the tears come.