Chapter Text
When he was 14 years old, Isuke found some of his mother's old photos of him and burned one.
On the top photo, he was six years old and with some classmates. The kid had a huge grin. It stupidly thought it was surrounded by friends. Isuke now knows that they're all bullies who took the opportunity to manipulate the weird kid. He tried his best to avoid looking at the photograph's main subject. However, he couldn't stop staring at it, disgusted. That little girl with the bob and green cardigan was not him. He hated that kid, as did the rest of his peers. It was so wrong in so many ways.
He knew his parents already put the lighters and incense in one of their new kitchen cabinets. He snuck over and took one of the lighters with long necks. He didn't want to risk burns on his fingers since his parents would see them and find out. Then he went outside and turned that top photo into fuel, watching the flames dance before he doused them with water. That felt really good to him.
He reached for the next photo. He didn't expect to see that it was much more recent, as he thought the whole stack was ancient. He was 13 and won a school award. His hair was cut short for the first time here. He was surprised to see that his parents were so supportive when he came out. They didn't have the greatest relationship when he was growing up, especially with his father. He could never figure out what he was doing wrong that upset or offended them. And they always complained about how he was too much of a crybaby for his age. But things were changing now. He knew what cues to look for and how to control himself. He could be a normal boy now. He was reborn.
He hesitated, not sure if he wanted to burn this one. The ashes of the previous one were still flying around, causing him to then realize that his mother would be furious if she found out. He went back inside, trying to stay discreet. Some satisfaction from burning that first photo still remained.
A little less than two years later
Aira went to get the door. She's been expecting a guest. She and Isuke mainly talk online in Nightcord, but they've met face to face a few times. The first time was in their shared Sekai, a solitary island surrounded by vast endless ocean.
Rui was glad to see that Aira had a friend over. They and Tsukasa adopted Aira when she was eleven and knew she struggled to talk to others. She physically couldn't speak at times. She temporarily forgot how and it was like something blocked her throat. Talking to others also made her feel extremely stressed. Whenever she did manage to speak, she'd never say the right thing. She would either kill the conversation or overcompensate and unintentionally interrogate her speaking partner. Rui understood that loneliness very well, as they once knew it too, but couldn't imagine how her life was before she felt a parent's support.
The two aren't as close as Rui wants, but they still care for her very much. She can be distant and doesn't like talking, but she writes beautiful poetry (lyricist for the circle). She is also extremely attached to Tsukasa.
Isuke stood outside the entrance. He had a relaxed posture, slightly slouched. He was wearing jeans and a black band tee with a green logo. His mom forced him to bring along his jacket, which he carelessly hung over his shoulder. It was beige and definitely clashed with his preferred fashion. He had his muddy red hair done in his usual style (something like sorcerui but shorter, I don't know stuff about hair so I can't describe it).
Aira looked at him from inside the doorway. She looked tense but excited. She was dressed casually and had her light teal hair let down.
The two spent most of their time gaming together. Aira loves platformers and Isuke preferred shooting stuff. After a few hours of that, they went downstairs to watch that new Ohara movie as they planned to. While the end credits played, Aira fell asleep on the couch, tired from the long day. She hates the heat and kicked the blanket she was wrapped in off. Isuke picked it up, folded it, and placed it on the arm rest. He sat back down beside her, loosely holding on to his beige jacket, when Rui entered the living room. They wore a colorful patterned shirt with lots of bright green splotches. Their glasses hung from a shirt pocket.
They sit together in awkward silence for a few moments. Isuke looked down at his hands, fidgeting by pinching himself. Then he spoke.
"Kamishiro. Sorry. This feels so random, but I had to bring it up. A couple years ago, I chose to analyze a stage play you wrote for my literature project. It was The Aliens."
"Ah... That one is one of my more personal pieces. Well, I'm genuinely flattered." Rui responded.
Isuke continued, "I actually never heard of you before that. It was on a list of recommendations from my teacher. I didn't expect it to resonate with me so much. It was a really strange feeling, reading that script. It probably would've felt weirder seeing it live."
The plot was about an alien child trying to navigate life on earth. To avoid humanity's abuse, it painted itself tan, hiding its green skin. It separated from its only friend, a seemingly human girl who somehow shared its green color. The paint was extremely poisonous. It was bound to someday kill it if it kept wearing it. However, the alien wouldn't dare wash it off. It would lose everything it worked for and the humans would hate it again. Being sick and miserable was worth it. It wanted to forget itself and become a normal human.
"Well, theatre is best experienced performed. Reading a script is vastly different from seeing it acted out. Every actor interprets characters differently. And there's so much blocking that you can only see when it's in front of you. Not to mention staging and effects, I can go on and on about those two. Every visit to a theater is a unique once ever experience."
Isuke lowered his jacket. "Yeah, no thanks. Stuff like that isn't really my thing. I already hate going to concerts, even for my favorite bands. I don't like being part of the audience. It feels weird telling you this. I read that interview you did with some TV show host where you talked about the production of it and the plot, how it's based on your own life. I have to ask you this. How... How do you..."
He struggles to get the words out despite the fact that he was desperate to ask this.
"How do you overcome that shame? Of knowing that if you could've just been born differently that things would have been so much easier. Everything is my fault, but I feel like I was so close to avoiding it."
He further ducked his head down, now really embarrassed. Isuke hated talking about himself and didn't want to say something that was almost revealing.
"Right. You don't know me. I don't know you. I never really thought of myself as the kind of guy who'd get really parasocial with famous people. I'm not even a big fan of yours. You don't know anything about me, my question makes no sense."
Rui turned their head to look at Isuke. He seemed to be trying to hide himself, covering his head with his beige jacket and holding the sleeves down tightly. They figured he was embarrassed, as they could hear him quietly insulting himself, trying so hard to keep it muffled by the jacket.
"Otori, I'm not going to judge you for this if that's what you're worried about. I don't mind odd questions at all! I know you're so important to Aira."
He spoke from under the jacket, but he loosened his grip. "I am? I can't really see myself as important to anyone."
Then he drops it, though he remained hunched over.
Rui thought for a moment and then said, "Do you remember how The Aliens ended?"
"No. I guess I was too focused on the first part. My teacher said I did great at explaining the metaphor but needed to elaborate more on the second half."
"The alien reunited with the green girl and they found two others that also shared their green skin. It wasn't alone anymore and it finally felt safe enough to wash off the paint and try to recover. It knew it would be okay in the human world if they stayed together."
Isuke lifted his head up and looked at Aira, still asleep. Her hair fell over her face and was sprawling across cushions. He thought of Suiren and Taisei, the other members of their group. All four of them have faced isolation and could understand that emptiness. Not only that, they all understood how it felt to be green amongst humans. Aira and Taisei seemed to accept things and said they were fine with their solitude. Aira had only one person she needed to impress, Tsukasa, to show thanks for saving her life. Taisei distracted themself with art and fandom. She hated interruptions too, so she's fine with everyone avoiding her. Suiren doesn't want to become a simple equal to humans. They want to go above them, be worshipped and become almost godlike, so they dedicated themself to music and chasing fame. After 15 years of being dehumanized as lesser, they want to be dehumanized as more. Isuke was the only one who was desperate to fit into the norm and be a regular person, so he painted over and resculpted himself. Ironic since Taisei's the artist (though Suiren's pretty good too).
"If you're saying I found my others, not really. Aira, she's definitely my closest friend and one of my only ones," his eyes seemed to light up as he looked at and talked about her, but they went dark again soon after. "But I'll never feel safe taking all the paint off, even with another green person."
There are many things Isuke hated about himself. He hated his height. He hated the empty space in between his legs. He knew what part he was missing and what he needed gone. It doesn't matter how others saw him. He still knew the truth. He hated the way his mind worked too. He can't do anything right. He finds many things confusing. What people say, ask, expect of him, the faces they make, are all so confusing. He learned to recognize things, find patterns. He was an actor, hiding under a character and costume. It was like he memorized all the answers to the test but still couldn't understand a thing. There are so many things he lacked and parts of him he wanted gone. It doesn't matter how others saw him. He still knew the truth. She will always haunt him even as he tries so hard to run away. He'll never be free.
He often worries about how others perceive him. He plays the part of an easygoing laid-back guy. The real Isuke was calculating but also extremely anxious. After all, he spent his earliest years as a bullied outcast girl. He never wanted to go back to that. One's life relies on how one is perceived. He changed himself and moving to Shibuya have his reputation a fresh start. However, he hated how he felt like a liar. He wished all the lies he put up could all become true.
The young alien was crying. It was silent, no sobbing chokes and just leaking eyes. He stupidly hoped and believed that the paint could somehow hide his tears. He was wrong. As the drops dragged themselves down his face, patches of green exposed themselves. Little streaks were being washed away. However, there was something off about the green. Wearing the paint for so long tainted his skin and his true color still could not be revealed. It also looked horribly unhealthy, almost like it was rotting. He lost himself by trying to hide.
The older one watched him. They were proudly green. However, they could still relate to him even though it's been decades. Humanity is too cruel to those who can't fit in their molds. Isolation leaves permanant deep scars, disfiguring one for life. It creates shame and it's nearly impossible to come back and rejoin the rest of the public. One can never forget how it feels to only be allowed to just watch from afar. A little bit of that emptiness always lingers, even when others try to fill your heart. One must cover their imperfections to avoid harm. Paint was protection.
But it was also a double edged sword. It kept one away from embracing dreams and real happiness. One can't be relieved from loneliness as a fake. Any love you receive won't enter, as you've blocked your heart off. One can never grow or truly change or live their own life. Humanity needs to learn to be more accepting. People should not need to paint themselves. Painting puts all the pain and hatred on the wrong person.
"Don't talk to me," Isuke managed to get that out and then covered himself with his beige jacket again.
A few hours passed and it was night. Like when he came here, it was just Aira and Isuke standing in the doorway.
"Bye Isuke! I'll see you in Sekai tomorrow!"
"You'll probably hear from me sooner. You know how late I stay up on Nightcord."
"Isuke! I told you that's bad for you already."
"Yeah, you and Taisei both. At least you're not a hypocrite. Taisei's even worse. You should be saying that to Taisei, not me. Anyways, bye. I don't want to keep my dad waiting, he's been in the driveway for a while. Oh, and I had fun today. I'm glad I saw you."
Tsukasa arrived home a few minutes after Mr. Otori drove away.
"Rui!"
"Welcome back, darling. I take it rehearsal went well?"
"Yes! I know I'll shine even brighter on opening night!" Tsukasa posed and then continued. "But that's not what I'm so desperate to rant about. Aira had their friend over today, Emu's nephew. Yes, I believe that's him. How did it go? I spoke with Emu the other day. She told me a bit about him! His father had him get a job running a game stall at Phoenix Wonderland and they've been seeing each other more. He moved here last year and that's when his father introduced them to each other. She seemed extremely nervous and was so jittery when she talked. As if she was afraid of him! I've been dying to know more since then. I wonder what could've made her react so strangely..."
"He was a fascinating young man. I was able to speak with him for a bit, but I don't really know what about him could've frightened Emu." They did have a pretty good idea, but that wasn't Rui's story to tell. From their short talk, they knew Isuke would hate that being told. "I do hope we can get to know each other more. I like how happy Aira is when they're with their friends. And I hope we can meet Takiue and Aoki soon."
A few moments of silence pass.
"Tsukasa, thank you. I'm so glad I could find someone like me."
"Rui, where is this coming from?"
"Otori said something to me and it reminded me of how much I've changed. He wouldn't want me to talk about what he said. And when we see Emu next week, I'll have to thank her too. And Nene, but she'll be overseas for months with her girlfriend. I'll text her, she needs to hear it too. Thank you, so much. For understanding me and showing me that I wasn't made wrong. And for giving me the chance to dream."