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"Do you know how it is when you lay in your bed, stare at the ceiling, and just feel present?”
That’s a question Dee tackles every night before slumber.
It doesn’t matter that the ceiling is blank. It doesn’t matter that he loses sleep. But at the same time, he’s not exactly sure what matters now.
His gaze will stay stuck on the ceiling, the textured canvas of white paint.
Nothing amusing. Nothing special. Yet he can’t bring himself to do much else.
It hurts. Or does it? It’s hard to tell whether he’s feeling empty, sad, or just there.
He should be doing something productive. And if he does this at night, he should be sleeping. But he doesn’t. Heck, he should be talking to someone about what’s probably an issue or something unhealthy.
His father, his mother, Lif, or even Heavy at this point.
But no. He just lays there, stuck to the mattress and eyes stuck on the paint above him.
Is he even lying there? Is Dee really there on the bed doing nothing?
Surely he’s not.
Dee’s smart and productive. He’s a prodigy who could do anything if he wanted to at this point. The boy basically runs a business to make money off of desperate people who need to cheat. He’s the son of someone with so much musical talent. He’s the son of someone who’s brave and of much strength.
That’s who Dee is. Or at least, that’s what everyone tells him.
But is he?
Sure, he’s decently smart, but who decides that? And he can’t do much; he’s probably just a liability. His “business” is sucky, and he’s just exploiting people. He has zero musical talent. His tooth was cracked when trying to protect his younger brother even when he knew he had minimal strength.
He was useless, wasn’t he? A shame.
No one needed to tell him twice. No one needed to point out the obvious. The fact that he’s just idiotic, selfish, useless, weak, and not worth it all.
What did his family even love him for? Why did Lif even want to be his friend?
Didn’t they see who he was? That he was garbage? That if anything, it would be better off if he just died-
BRRRNG!!
The sound of the obnoxious alarm cut through his relentless thoughts. He couldn’t really tell if that was good or bad as he rolled over to turn off his alarm.
Just another day when he plays an insignificant role in the world. Absolutely joyous.
The boy gets up, tired and groggy. He does his average morning routine before he looks in the mirror, dragging a hand over his face before he stares at the reflection and finally finds Dee.
Putting on a facade was never hard for him, but sometimes it felt like covering up something that wasn’t even there. Hiding the empty.
But at the same time, he felt as if he must do so. That he must hide, so Dee doesn’t become who he is inside. Because he’s not worth it. The money wasted on him, the care toward him, nor the concern people would have. Why would they even be concerned? He’s a waste. Useless garbage. Would people even miss him if he was gone-
“Dee?”
Dee looked up at the sound. Huh. He was in the kitchen? I guess he was thinking about that stuff without realizing he was walking down the stairs. Now he was sitting at the table and had been staring at a plate of food his father made.
Speaking of his father, Glam was the one who spoke, who called his name. Hopefully Dee didn’t arise any suspicion from zoning out. Or was it zoning out? Eh, whatever. Still his fault, Glam would probably start getting worried.
“Dee? Something wrong?” Glam inquired once more, his voice as calm and seemingly polite as ever.
Dammit. He did it again. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“Oh, no, nothing’s wrong. Sorry, father.” Dee responded, tone still nasally and monotone like normal. But why did his voice shake slightly when he said “nothing”?
“Alright then. But I am always here.” Glam responded, a clear undertone showing his suspicion. It was no secret that Glam too was a prodigy. Quite analytical and perceptive.
So, it was no surprise that he was already skeptical. But that didn’t stop Dee from pausing at the moment of Glam’s statement and a chill to run down his spine.
“Yeah... yeah, got it.” Was what Dee said for there wasn’t much else to mention. He knew just saying that he was fine or alright would just make his father even more dubious. So that was that as he continued eating. Hopefully no one else noticed anything, and even if they did, he just needs to keep this up until the feeling passes. It always does. It’ll be gone in a few days... right?
The morning passed as ususal. Or at least, as usual as it is for others with the minor exception of Dee and Glam.
Back at home, Glam was worried. Everyone had their off days, but this felt different.
The bags under Dee’s eyes were darker and deeper. He had an expression of contemplation on his face, but part of it just felt... empty. And the stutter. Dee never stuttered. The boy was always confident and blunt with his words, seemingly independent all the time. So why? It was all on Glam’s mind as he washed the dishes that morning.
As for Dee, he was walking to school with Heavy. His posture was slouched as he stared down toward the pavement. His steps felt heavier than usual as he stayed silent, pretending to scroll on his phone as he walked slightly behind Heavy.
When he noticed he was starting to zone out, he made sure to focus on whatever was going on, including Heavy’s ranting which was a bit too energetic for the morning.
Before long, the two reached the school and went into their respective classes. Lessons went by like normal for Dee, but he didn’t really pay attention. He was just tired and it’s not like he didn’t know the material. But he needed to stop zoning out. He needed to stop just doing things as usual without even feeling like he’s actually there. Someone would notice it. He just has to hope no one has already...
As classes passed as usual, so did days and nights of decreasing sleep.
Dee zoned out but had learned how to control it sometimes. He started getting six- no, five hours of sleep? He didn’t remember. He started to forget simple things more often. His notebook which he left at home one morning. His earbuds which never made it to his bag one day. It was fine though, and even if it wasn’t right now, it would be.
And as Dee struggled, so did Glam. But for different reasons.
Glam witnessed this in the morning. The heavy eye bags, the slouched posture, the silence, and the expression on Dee’s face. Contemplative, maybe even frustrated, but still the slightest bit empty. He didn’t intervene yet though. But he knew something was wrong.
What was surprising was who did say something.
It was a usual Wednesday afternoon. School just let out and the pair, Dee and Heavy, were walking back home together. Heavy was exhausted. After all, it was a Wednesday of all days, and not to mention the quizzes and homework he had. So even though Heavy was still telling Dee all about his day, he wasn’t as boisterous and paid more attention to things other than his story. And that is when he finally sees it.
To him, nothing had been different. It was just a tiring Wednesday at first. But it became more when in the middle of his rant on the day he had today, he looked closer at Dee.
The deep sigh someone has when they just can’t right now.
The deep eyebags that were darker and sunken in.
The paler complexion.
And the way Dee just seemed... tired.
Not the normal kind of tired Dee usually is. But just done with it all Heavy supposed.
So, he decided to slip in a little comment between his recollection of his school day. After all, with what he could tell, his school day wasn’t as bad as Dee’s.
“And so, after those quizzes, I think I earned myself a well-deserved break at the park with those stray cats.” Heavy said with his usual playful tone as he walked among the pavement; his steps weren’t as relaxed as usual from his slight worry though. But surely his older brother was fine, right?
“Speaking of a break, when’s the last time you had one, Dee? You look like a vampire, have you gotten much sleep at all recently?” Heavy’s voice was just as teasing as usual, but there was the faintest undertone of concern and seriousness.
“Oh, um, I took a break not too long ago. And my sleep schedule shouldn’t concern you.” Dee spoke with his usual deadpan tone, but he was a bit startled at the sudden open-ended question directed at him. After all, he was zoning out a bit when he was staring down at the pavement beforehand.
“Ya sure? Those eye bags look darker than that one bug pony villain from My Little Pony, that one kid’s show you watch.” Heavy teased, not really remembering the name of the character since My Little Pony was never his thing.
“Her name is Queen Chrysalis.” Dee said sharply despite his nasal and exhausted tone. “And I’m fine.” The last statement was more aggressive than he intended.
Heavy’s smile weakened slightly as it carried a tinge of solemness after hearing Dee. But he persisted because surely his brother needed someone.
“Um, I know I already asked this, but are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m fine.” Dee said; his tone was even sharper and seemingly irritated. That didn’t stop Heavy from continuing though.
“I know, but are you confident that you are-”
“FOR THE LOVE OF- I SAID I’M FINE!” Dee snapped as he finally turned to face Heavy. His facial expression was tense like his clenched hands at his sides. His eyebrows were furrowed while his eyes were wide.
It wasn’t rare for Dee to get mad, but something about this just felt different.
Heavy opened his mouth to speak before closing it. He gritted his teeth for a moment to brace himself before responding.
“Okay, okay, chill out. It’s okay if you’re not alright Dee-
“I don’t need your help. I’m fine.” Dee said, still quite loud and seemingly irritated. “Why wouldn’t I be? I’m Dee after all.” The older boy felt the sting of tears pricking at the edge of his eyes but continued.
“I’m some teenage prodigy.
Some boy who has it all together for himself.
I am capable, I have potential.”
His voice started rising again, but it was strained like his breath and expression.
“So why wouldn’t I be fine? After all, Dee’s so independent, Dee’s so smart, Dee’s even making his own money. But if Dee’s all that, then why am I not? If that’s Dee, then who am I? I’m not independent if I’m ranting about this sob-story to you like this, I’m not smart enough to know when I can’t do something and when I need to stop zoning out, and that money’s just a reward for being selfish!”
Dee paused from where he stood, taking a moment to breathe in a way. He looked down at Heavy, who had an expression of sympathy and concern. Before long, the younger boy spoke up.
“Dee, it’s okay-”
“No, it’s not!” Dee cut Heavy off, clearly pained with the tension obvious in his tone and facial expression. He looked frustrated, maybe even distraught.
“I’m just some useless, pathetic little garbage who never even deserved any of this! I don’t deserve your concern; I’m just a shame.”
His tears welled up at the rims of his eyes, threatening to fall out.
“I’m an embarrassment!
I’m nothing!
I’m just some irredeemable filth that should be thrown away! Tossed away to rot because I incurred that-”
Dee paused as his breath hitched slightly when Heavy suddenly pulled him into a firm hug. The short boy held Dee in a steady embrace; fingers clenched tightly at the back of Dee’s white jacket. His words came out muffled but still firm.
“Don’t say that.”
Dee looked down at him, teeth gritted together, and eyebrows furrowed as beads of tears welled up. Dammit. He shouldn’t be crying. He was weak already; he didn’t need more proof that he was pathetic. But before he could spiral, Heavy spoke again.
“Don’t say that kind of stuff about my older brother. He’s amazing and smart, and sure he can be annoying or can’t do some things, but everyone has their flaws. And if people think Dee doesn’t, then they’re idiots. He’s a human like everyone else and no human is truly perfect. But that doesn’t mean they’re worth any less. That doesn’t mean they’re undeserving of love and concern. And that definitely doesn’t make their issues, their feelings any less valid.”
Dee stood there, frozen for a moment as his breath hitched. His hands slowly unclenched from the once tight fists they were before slowly and slightly shakily raising them to reciprocate the hug.
At first, the return in embrace was slightly hesitant. But then tight and heartfelt as Heavy felt Dee’s head tilt downward and heard quiet sobs accompanied by sniffles.
The moment was melancholic, vulnerable, and definitely not perfect. But it was something even after all this time.
As Dee’s quiet sniffles became louder sobs of pain that was once suppressed, Heavy’s grip stayed steady as the pair just stood on the sidewalk like that.
And it may not have been the ending. It may not have been the closure Dee needed.
But it was a start. And sometimes,
Even if we feel like we’re drowning,
Even if we feel lost,
And even if we feel drained,
That is what we need: a beginning.