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The music was loud, but no one minded, everyone was having too much fun to care. Forty or maybe fifty people all shoved into the same self proclaimed frat house they had been going to every week of finals season.
A cyan haired man was flirting with any boy who would give him attention, which was most of them. A man in pink and yellow, the colors he was known campus wide by, was quizzing his friends on random trivia. Two short brunettes were yelling at each other over nothing. The point is, no one stood alone, not even Mumbo.
He may have been slumped against the wall, looking off into the crowd, eyes clearly caught on something, or someone more likely, but he was not alone. Cub stood next to the quiet man, matching his mannerisms but in his own, personal way. An untouched red solo cup rested in Mumbo’s hands, he knew he’d probably feel better if he drank it, but he could not bring himself to lift it any higher.
He continued to stare into the crowd, his eyes set firmly on his best friend. Well, his best friend and the man standing with him. He looked so happy with that man, so excited to be alive, so free, it made Mumbo’s heart twist. He hated to see his friend so happy, well, so happy because of someone else. It was selfish, he knew, but his heart made up its mind a long time ago.
“Do you think they notice us staring?” Mumbo questioned Cub. Both of them continued to look at the men across the room, not really caring if they were noticing.
“With how much they are staring at each other? No chance," Cub responded before taking another sip of the cheap beer he grabbed.
Mumbo wondered how he ended up like this. When did he start staring, when did Cub join him, when would the men across the room care to notice? He did not just wonder this tonight, but every night and day he saw those two together.
“I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” Cub muttered, just loud enough for mumbo to hear.
“Hm?”
“Being ‘just friends’ with Scar. It pains me to see him so happy with Grian of all people.” Cub finished his cup, eyes still locked onto the tall man he had fallen for years ago, the man he would never get. “No offense,” Cub added.
“None taken, I’d say the same thing about Scar and his smug smile.” Mumbo handed Cub his cup, knowing he would enjoy more. “It’s just—” Mumbo hesitated, unable to vocalize his words in a singular steady motion. “—If we can’t be friends, then we would have nothing. We both know who they would pick if they were forced to choose.”
Cub did not respond, Mumbo did not expect him to. It was a difficult thought they both knew they had to swallow sooner than later. The night dragged on while Mumbo and Cub stood still, eyes still resting upon their respective roommates. Mumbo noticed the way Scar encouraged Grian to drink as Cub noticed the way Grian became more and more touchy towards Scar. Both hated what they saw, and yet neither could look away.
A few more hours had passed on by, Mumbo and Cub were still in the same spot as before, only now, they were sitting on the messy floor. No one bothered talking to them, everyone knew what they were doing after so many house parties. A couple more empty cups surrounded Cub.
Cub was never good at handling his emotions, always keeping them deep down, but get enough alcohol in him, and you might just see a hint of a tear forming in his eye. Mumbo sometimes wished he could be so calm and quiet all the time, to not let his emotions take control of him. He was getting there, slowly, no one had seen him over react in months. But he could still feel it, deep down in his chest, Mumbo felt everything. One of these days, he was going to burst, and there's no coming back from that.
The house was beginning to empty. The fighting brunettes left alongside an albino man. There were no longer trivia questions being shouted out in the corner. And the cyan haired man, well, he was still there, but he was likely spending the night with one of the house residents.
Scar walked towards Cub and Mumbo, Grian following close behind. “You always drink so much,” Scar remarked to himself as he helped Cub up off the floor. Mumbo knew Cub was fully capable of walking out on his own, but he did not want to ruin it for the man. Any time Cub could spend with Scar where he could forget Grian existed, was something valuable to him, Mumbo was not going to go and wreck it. “Thanks for watching out for him every time Mumbs.”
“Of course.” Mumbo hated how Scar would sometimes call him ‘Mumbs’, nicknames were for friends, Scar would never be his friend.
Mumbo stood up alongside them, knowing he would need to guide Grian home. Right on cue, Grian fell forwards onto Mumbo, wrapping him in a loose embrace. Grian hummed, “That was my hugging noise,” he quickly added. Mumbo felt a warmth in his chest return. He knew the feeling would not last forever, but it made him happy to know that Grian would be coming home with him instead of Scar, even if that was only because they were roommates.
“Cya soon Grian! And thanks again Mumbo!” Scar yelled as he walked out the door, Cub holding onto his arm.
Mumbo helped Grain stay standing as they made their way back to their dorm. It was less than a mile away but it felt like forever as Grian kept yapping Mumbo’s ear off about his crush that Mumbo could not help but hate. “Guess what mustache man?” Grian started as he tried to look his friend in the eye.
“What?” Mumbo responded, knowing he would most likely not enjoy whatever would come out of the blond's mouth next.”
“He asked me out on a real date!” Grian shouted. Mumbo saw the joy in his face and hated himself for being jealous. He did not respond to Grian, but the man did not notice. He was too caught up in his own joy to recognize the silence from the man he had been calling his best friend for nearly four years now.
Mumbo grabbed Grian by the hand, wishing it was under different circumstances, and walked forward, not looking back to match Grian’s eyes. “C’mon, let's go home, it’s really late.”
Grian happily obliged. He did not grab Mumbo's hand back though, he let him hold it alone. Grian did not even notice this small detail, but Mumbo did, Mumbo always did.
Once back at their shared dorm, Mumbo helped Grian get into his bed. Grian was too drunk to be coordinated enough to do it on his own, and the bed was too high off of the ground for him to fall onto it. As mumbo was dragging a blanket across Grian’s body, he heard him mumble something under his breath.
“Hm? What was that Grian?”
“Thanks Mumbs,” Grian responded in a much louder, false whisper.
Mumbo smiled at the appreciation Grian was giving him, but it quickly faded as he heard the nickname. Mumbs. Not only was that a name Scar had made up, but nicknames were also reserved for friends. Mumbo would be nothing more than a friend to Grian.
“You’re one of the best people I have ever met,” Grian started. “Yer a great friend Mumbo.” Mumbo did not respond, again. He was pretty quiet that night. Not like Grian would have noticed either way, he was too drunk to realize anything and from the sounds of it, he was already asleep.
Mumbo got in his bed across the room from Grian. His eyes looked up at the ceiling, they traced the cheap popcorn tiles. Mumbo knew if he closed them for longer than a blink, the tears would begin to spill. He hated feeling emotional, especially over something as dumb as a boy not liking him back.
~~~~~~~~
Mumbo laid face down on a couch in the back of the library. Cub sat at the table next to him, working on his computer. “Its just like, he's so amazing,” Mumbo started to go off. “He has an Architecture internship already lined up in a big city. And here I am, I’ll probably be going back to my old farming town just to be another local mechanic.” Mumbo groaned, face still against the cushion of the couch.
Cub took a swig from his water bottle. It was getting nearly empty and Cub was clearly annoyed by this. He kept typing on his computer, not ignoring Mumbo, but not responding to his moaning either.
“Scar is literally already working for an exterior design company, how can I compete with that?” Mumbo lamented. “He really is the better option for Grian. Oh—” Mumbo cut himself off, realizing who he said that to. “—Sorry.”
“It’s all good, I already talked to Scar this morning. After exams are over, we will go our separate ways and forget about each other.” Cub continued to drink from his water bottle, refusing to make eye contact with Mumbo who was now looking up at him.
Mumbo eyes the bottle as he sets it down. It was hard to tell as it was opaque, but Mumbo believed it had to be empty by now. “How are you handling it so well?”
“I’m not.”
Mumbo stood up. He towered over Cub who stayed seated. He felt bad for bringing anything up. He wished Cub was more comfortable expressing his emotions, but he could not blame him for being so quiet. “Sorry. Here, let me go refill your water so you don't have to pause studying.” Mumbo reached for the bottle before his hand was quickly grabbed by Club's.
“Dont touch that.” Cub's grip tightened as he finally made eye contact with Mumbo. They were red and unfocused. Mumbo recognizes that look anywhere.
“Cub,” Mumbo said with a quiet but sincere voice, “how much have you drunk this morning?”
“That's not important.” Cub shoved mumbo away, releasing his grip.
“It is important, I want you to be safe. I care for you.” Mumbo's mind was finally off of Grian and Scar, he was too concerned about the only other person he would call a friend. Sadly, that did not last long.
“Oh, that's such a lie. All you care about is Grian.” Cub slammed down his computer and stood up. Mumbo was still taller than him, but not as much as before. Despite his violent actions towards Mumbo's hand and his computer, Cub’s voice stayed the same. “If you actually care for me or our friendship, you’ll tell Grian the truth tonight.”
“Cub—”
“Listen, the sooner you tell him, the sooner you can recover.” Cub looked Mumbo in the eye one last time before walking out. “If you need me, I’ll be at Jevins. I’m staying there until the semester is over.”
And just like that, Mumbo stood alone in the back of the library. He knew he needed to make a choice, Grian or Cub. Mumbo knew which decision was the right one, it was easy to understand, it was just hard to admit.
Mumbo took his phone from his pocket, the cracked screen cutting his finger slightly. It did not take long for Mumbo to find Grian's contact. He stared at the profile photo, it was a cropped group picture of both of them alongside Cub and Scar from three years ago.
Mumbo remembered that day very well, it was the first time Grian and Scar met. Mumbo and Cub had already known each other from a mutual class, and they thought it would be a good idea to invite their roommates to tag along on one of their hang outs. What a flooshish action now in hindsight.
That day was the first time Mumbo could recall feeling true jealousy, or maybe it was envy. Mumbo could not tell if he was losing Grian to Scar, or if Scar just proved Grian was never his to begin with.
He clicked the button to begin typing his message, but his fingers only hovered over the keyboard. It hurt him to admit he still was choosing between staying stuck in Grian’s friendzone, and being genuine friends with Cub. Mumbo took a breath and finally started typing.
Mustache Man: Hey G, can I talk to you? Preferably in person
He waited for Grian to respond, not long, but long enough.
Pretty Bird: sry, with scar rn, later?
Mustache Man: Sure, I’ll be in our room.
Mumbo wondered if Grian would even notice the period added. A small detail, one that always made Mumbo over think, but he did not even know if Grian thought of it in the same way. Maybe he did not know Grian as well as he thought— or maybe hoped he did.
Mumbo took his time walking back to their dorm. It was not too far from the library, but Mumbo was in no hurry to get there. It was a lovely day out, many couples and groups of friends were spending their time in the courtyard. Mumbo saw many familiar faces, all people he recognized from the parties. Parties Mumbo only went to because of Grian. Mumbo was too much of a hermit to know any of them by name, only their drunken faces.
Mumbo started to think to himself, about all that might change if he told Grian the truth. On one hand, Mumbo could start to forget about him, who knows how long that would take, but he could finally start. And on the other hand, he would lose his roommate and best— good friend. He needed to correct himself, Cub was his best friend, not Grian. It hurt to admit it after all these years, but it was true, Cub was the one always there for him, not Grian.
Once in their shared room, Mumbo continued to let his mind race with all the realities of him telling Grian the truth. He realized Grian was more than a roommate, friend, and crush. He was his connection to others, if it were not for Grian, Mumbo would likely not even have other friends, including Cub. He was the reason Mumbo tried to be better, better at school, better at taking care of himself, better at being honest, just better all together.
Even once Grian started to spend more and more time with Scar, he would still make time to be with Mumbo. He was a genuine and kind friend, but that was the issue, he was just a friend. Mumbo could not stand idle knowing he needed more than that.
Hours passed and Mumbo began to hear Grian fiddle with the lock on the door. Mumbo smiled ever so slightly, he found it endearing that even after four years, Grian never managed to do it right on the first try.
“Finally,” Grian mumbled as he swung open the door.
Mumbo noticed the smile on his face, it made his own drop. He recognized that look anywhere, it was a joy only Scar could give Grian, Mumbo could never match it.
“Oh my goodness, Scar is just the sweetest—”
“—Can I talk to you Grian?” Mumbo cut him off, knowing he could not turn back now.
“Um, yeah sure,” Grian sounded unsure, he could tell something was off about his Mumbo, and he never really worked well with confrontation. He took a seat on his bed, trying to make the atmosphere feel a bit more casual.
“You really like Scar, don’t you?”
“Yeah? You know that. What is this all about Mumbo?” Grian lied, he could tell where this was heading. He had known about the way Mumbo felt for quite some time now, still, he hoped Mumbo would not say anything. Once he vocalized it, Grian could not hide from it any more.
“It’s just—” Mumbo stopped, he did not want to get all emotional. He did not want to lose his friend but if he did not do this, he would lose a friend he was beginning to understand was more important. With a breath, Mumbo started again, “I’ve liked you for a long time, Grian. And I know you don’t feel the same. I’m tired of pretending to be just friends. If you don’t want more, I don’t want any.”
Mumbo felt his chest tighten as his throat trembled and eyes shook. But no tears came, no outburst of emotions, no unnecessary feelings. He could not look vulnerable.
“Well, I guess we aren’t friends anymore. If you had told me four years ago, when you first started to like me, then maybe we could have been something, but it’s too late now. You are not the man I once knew. What happened to the Mumbo who cried when watching The Notebook? What happened to the Mumbo who would ask me if I wanted to stay in for the night, rather than go to another dumb party. What happened to the Mumbo who cared? Who was open? Who was happy with who he was?”
Mumbo thought back on all the flaws of himself he tried fixing for grian just to now find out that maybe they were all he needed. “I thought you hated those things?”
“Yeah I’d tease ya for crying over a movie or for staying in like a hermit, but that's all it was, just teasing. I found it cute if anything.” Grian’s voice started to trail off as he thought about how different life could have been if one of them just spoke up all that time ago. “But it’s too late now, Mumbo. I’m sorry.” Grian stood up and grabbed his keys, not wanting to let the conversion continue any longer. “We’re just friends, Mumbo, and if you can’t handle that, then we are strangers.”
Mumbo was left in silence as Grian shut the door. He finally let the tears well up and spill over as he realized what he had done. Grian had known all along that and yet Mumbo was still mad at himself for not saying anything. How different life could have been if only he had been less shy.