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He doesn’t notice the pain until it is all over. Doesn’t realise it is something separate from the ache of his muscles in a fight. Doesn’t realise it until he is sitting (not sulking, despite what his father says) in the Falcon, the adrenalin that sustained him in the fight draining from his body.
The other aches fade. And while that one does as well it returns when the other never do. It returns in a cycle that turns closer in frequency and greater in pain with each return.
It takes a few cycles of it for him to figure out what it is. A few more for him to realise exactly how far along he is.
Kylo pushes himself to his feet despite the aches it shoots through his body (not just from the labour but the injuries he got from the fight still tender and fresh). He stand sand leaves the cockpit they had all gathered in (him more unwilling then the others). He ignores the demands that he tell them where he is going.
The Falcon hasn’t changed layout from when he was a child. He doesn’t know why he expects it to but he feels like it should have. Feels like everything should have changed constitutions completely from his absence. He knows his uncle’s life did. It is strange to realise his father’s hadn’t. Strange to think that Han Solo is the exact same Han Solo with or without his son.
There are no scars on the Flacon to mark his absence. The pain must be getting to him because he is of half a mind to search out the places he had hidden toys in as a child, pretending to be his father and ‘smuggling’ them, hidden from even his parents’ knowledge. Of half a mind to see if the words and symbols he engraved into the ship are still there. To see if it still shows the evidence of his life once within it.
He finds himself pacing the spaces of the ship as his body prepares to birth. Finds himself pacing and being haunted by the memories of his own childhood, haunted by his decision to leave it all behind. He wonders if his child will feel the same wonder at the ship as he did when he was young. He wonders if they will hate it the same as he did when he was older.
He knows neither are possible. He will not stay long enough for the child to even know of the Millennium Falcon as something more than just another worthless smuggling vessel. He will not let his failures pile so high as to allow him his child to not receive the Supreme Leader’s guidance.
The contracts get stronger and he finds himself bracing for them. Finds himself leaning against walls and listening to his groans echo through the ship as his body burns in its preparation for birth. He cannot stop the reaction and can only hope he is far enough away from the cockpit that the echoes do not reach the others. He knows if they do the others on the ship will worry either for him or the possibility of destruction coming to the vessel that is transporting them all back to the Resistance (back to his mother).
The day so far had been one where the universe apparently decided to make every wish of his end up going the worst possible way. Why should this be any different?
His uncle at least is quick to figure out what is going on. Takes one look at him and tells him to relax and breath while he goes and gets Han. Ren wants to yell at him that he doesn’t need nor want his father but by the time the pain from the contraction has passed enough for him to regain the ability to use words his uncle has already left.
“You’re kidding me right?” his father demands when he shows up and really Kylo wishes he was. Chewie leaves the two of them there but neither really questions where the Wookie is going, too focused on each other (and in Ren’s case the pain cycling through him). “Well, today can’t get any worse.”
“Trust me, I feel much the same.” Even between the contractions there is pain, not as bad but certainly there and Kylo hopes the permanent grimace on his face is read as dislike of the situation, not a reveal of it.
Another contraction hits and Kylo cannot help but groan at it despite his want to be strong in front of his father. To show that leaving only made his stronger, made him unbreakable. To not show any sign that he needs his family’s help.
He shuts his eyes and tries to focus on breathing and keeping the noises suppressed. Tries to remember all the training he had been given in dealing with pain, in minimising its effects on him so he can keep fighting.
When the contract passes he opens them again and finds that his father has moved so he is supporting him, looking like he is pained from having to watch Ren suffer. Kylo almost spits how he doesn’t have to be there. That he is free to leave Ren alone. That he is not wanted. He is too weak though. Too weak and afraid of being alone while his body tortures itself to bring his child into the world.
“How close?” Han asks and Ren doesn’t need to read his mind to know he fears the answer to the question. Knows he’s hoping that they will make it back to the Resistance base in time. Ren hopes that as well but his doubts that they will be able to grow with every contraction.
“Close.” Too close. He feels like he should have had more warning, more time to prepare mentally. He supposes he probably did, he just ignored it in his want to destroy those who ruined his plans.
“Come on, should at least get you somewhere more comfortable.” His father leads him through the ship and Ren knows where he is taking him before they reach it. Knows the paths in the ship and the best ways to move around it to get to the various rooms. The ship hasn’t changed layout since he was a child, and the nostalgia of the walls suffocates him.
If Ren wanted the ship marked from his absence the captain’s quarters gives it. There are no signs of his father in the room. All evidence of any life claiming the space as its own years old. The room hadn’t seen inhabitants for years and Ren has a feeling it wasn’t his father who slept in it last.
Han grumbles at the sight of it, grumbles about people taking his ship who “didn’t even know how to take care of her right.”
It is weird thinking about his father being separated from the Falcon. For his childhood the two of them were synonymous, where tied unbreakably. If someone said one was coming or going somewhere they meant the other as well. It was weird to think that the first returned mark of his family on this room will be him giving birth.
This is the room he will give birth in. He doesn’t know if it is his body or the Force telling him that fact. All he knows is that they will not make it back in time. That his child will be born in what used to be his father’s quarters of the Millennium Flacon (the room he was likely conceived in).
His face apparently tells his father his realisation and Han’s expression turns serious.
“It’ll be okay,” Han says but his face has the same tells as it did when Ben was a child (back when Uncle Luke thought it funny to teach his young nephew how to tell when his father was lying). His father is unsure and Kylo understands. This isn’t the situation he wanted to be in when giving birth. Still, it is hard to feel sympathy for his father when he is the one that is going to be giving birth.
His father is still his father and cannot help look for an out to a situation he does not want to be in. It takes another contract and Ben allowing himself to groan from pain if only because it is better than him screaming from it but Han leaves the room, while demanding to know where ‘the Wookie’ got to.
Apparently Chewie had his head on better then Han and had gone to organise towels and water. He makes a sad sound at the sight of Kylo lying on what had once been his father’s bed suffering from the pain of his body preparing for birth.
By the time Han arrives back Chewie had climbed into the bed and gathered Ren into his arms. Kylo had protested, of course, but the warmth of his uncle’s body does make the pain slightly more bearable. The presence of the other reassuring. It reminds him of his childhood, and burying himself in the Wookie’s coat after scrapped knees, both for comfort and the ability to hide any tears in the thick pelt.
He has a feeling the same memories come to his father when he enters the room to the sight. A nostalgic smile that appears on his face for a moment before the memory of what is currently happening takes it away.
“How you feeling kid?”
Kylo wants to throw something at him for the ‘kid’ title. Wants to demand that he isn’t a child anymore but the Leader of the Knights of Ren. He doesn’t feel it though, feels more like a child then a powerful warrior. Feels scared, and small, and desperate for someone to take the pain from him. Desperate for someone to give him an easy solution that fixes everything in a nice clean way. He isn’t going to get that and the focus he has been using to try and maintain a mask of unaffected stoicism is quickly fading from the pain. “Hurts,” he says because there is no point lying anymore.
His honestly apparently surprises his father or maybe just the whole situation is one that Han Solo does not know how to process it (he’d enjoy the fact if it didn’t remind him about how far from the ideal situation they are in).
“Yeah, well, that’s sort of what it’s supposed to be like,” his father says giving him a look that holds much too much sympathy for what Ren deserves or can handle.
He wonders briefly what his birth had been like. It was never talked about when he was a child and he never had much want to ask. The thoughts don’t last long, a contraction soon distracting him from them. It is worse than the others and he finds his hands knotting in his uncle’s fur and the sheets of the bed. He grits his teeth and tries to breathe through it. Finds himself falling back on meditation tasks long near forgotten to bear through it.
He barely hears his uncle’s sympathetic roar though the echoes of his own groans of agony that ring through his ears. Barely comprehends anything past the pain within him and fighting back the urge to bare down.
It passes but he knows the relief will be short lived. Knows that another will come and one after that and soon he will not be able to stop his body from pushing. Knows that there is only more pain, worse pain to come and-
“I can’t,” he bites his lip but the words have already escaped. Are already placed on show for his father and uncle and more just keeps spilling out. “It hurts too much, I can’t.”
“Ben look at me,” his father says and he realises Han has moved so he is kneeling in front of him, his hands on Ren’s shoulders. He hates his old name, hates hearing it in his father’s voice, and hates all the memories it drags up. He is too exhausted to react to it though. Feels as if he has no energy left yet knows there is still more to spend. He manages to focus on his father though, focus and glare at him for using his old, dead, name. For reminding him that he cannot escape his family (as if being on the Falcon isn’t enough). “You’re going to be fine. I’m going to be right here and you are going to be fine.”
There is a panic to his father’s eyes and Ren knows his father doesn’t want to be there. Knows he wants to run far away and not have to deal with it. He also knows his father isn’t lying saying that he will stay. Knows he won’t abandon him to it no matter how much he might want to.
The next contract hits and he once again finds himself gripping into his uncle’s fur as he braces through it. His body is ready. His child is ready. He just has to admit it.
It takes another contraction for him to admit it. The pain starting to build up to a point where he doesn’t care that it will get worse, so long as it will be over soon. So long as the agony will stop and his child no longer in his body.
He had almost forgotten how much his robes hid the swell of his stomach that accommodated the child. He knew what he looked like under them and had forgotten how good of a job his clothing did at hiding it. His father stares at the bulge fearfully before meeting his eyes with a glare. “You were fighting in this condition?”
“It was necessary.” There were things that had been put in place before he found out about his pregnancy. Tasks that wouldn’t be paused just because he had a child growing within him. Things that even he had not control over. The universe kept turning and he couldn’t afford to stop if he wanted to win.
His father goes to argue but Ren doesn’t hear the words if any actually come out because the next contraction hits. They are getting stronger still, unbearable so, and he can no longer fight the instinct to push. Cannot stop his body from forcing his child into the world.
He tries not to think about the fact his father will see him give birth. Tries not to think of the fact that his father is the one helping him give birth. Instead he screws his eyes shut and focuses on breathing and pushing until the feeling of being unbearably stretched gives way and his body finally lets him relax as the cries of a newborn fill the air.
He opens his eyes to see his father swaddling them in one of the blankets and he manages to find his voice if only to ask if they are okay. Ask if they are healthy or if he has caused them harm in his attempts to ignore his body’s need to rest while carrying them.
“As far as I can tell she’s perfect,” Han replies and Chewie makes a celebratory noise because it’s a girl!
“Give her here,” he says and there is a moment of reluctance in his father’s eyes but she is handed over. She is handed over and his father is right. She’s perfect. And Kylo knows that he would do anything to keep her safe and make her happy. He would burn the whole galaxy if it was what she needed.