Chapter Text
I, myself, am no man, that ever has found life as something particularly interesting. Is there any value to life, truly? Perhaps. It's not like I ever knew. I was familiar with a man, that man taught me the value--of certain things. Maybe, just maybe, there's more to life than it seems. Yet, I fail to seize it. Each day, I try to kill myself. Over and over, and over, and over, and over again. Each time, something stops me. A certain feeling, fear. Do I fear death? No! I'm a suicidal man wishing to commit double-suicide with a beautiful woman! Or so I let on. Possibly, I fear what comes with death. The consequences. Why do I care? If I'm dead, it's not like my surroundings will affect me anyway! I'm literally dead. Whatsoever, I may feel--a little guilty. That's what stops me.
"Become a good man, be someone who protects people."
So, anyways! I'm going to try out a new suicide method! Well, not so new. Overdosing is nowhere near original, but I did find these really nice pills in Yosano's office yesterday. I couldn't bother reading the label, whatever, any type of pills can do the job. What's the harm in swallowing a few? Not like anyone can stop me anyway. As I go on stuffing myself with pills, the world around me starts to blur. And then darken, getting quieter. Even in a moment like this, I feel most alive. Ironic, isn't it? I'm mortal, I can feel pain, I can feel fear. And even so, everything passes on. No matter how much you try to hold it, you'll have to let go. That's simply how this world operates. Good or bad, it has never mattered to me. I can feel my hands going numb, for a moment--I can feel my heart race. A familiar feeling fills me. Nowhere close to terror. Yet, this feeling is so terrific. This helplessness, not being in control. Not knowing what to expect. Maybe, it's not so bad after all. What's bad, is not for me to decide. I only get what I deserve, don't I? Maybe it's regret that I'm feeling, maybe it's fear. Saying quite frankly, I'm not sure. In this certain moment, I wish someone came to rescue me from the nightmare I put myself in.
As everything faded to black, I could hear a voice call out. "Dazai, Dazai." It went on repeating my name as if it's a broken record. Maybe it is. Would be a real funny prank. It kept chanting it over and over and over again. The sound started to get annoying. "Dazai, Dazai! " It screeched, making me jump in terror. I woke up in the place I passed out in. It seemed to be night already, judging by the scene outside. Strange, someone from the agency would have found me by this time. By that someone - I mean Yosano. I sat up, my back hurting. I stretched, my neck cracking as if it was about to break. Then my knuckles, and then my spine. I moaned in some sort of twisted pleasure. The cold floor brought some sort of comfort, it's a familiar feeling. You'd think I'd be disappointed cause I survived, right? You wouldn't be entirely wrong. I can't help but feel relieved in the same time. I look around the place, the place is no stranger to me. I've been in Yosano's office way too many times, for all kinds of reasons. Well, she never got to use her ability on me. It was my request. I mean, after all, being healed at the edge of death - that's awful. I'd rather die.
As my gaze runs around the room, I spot something. The sound has been toned down, yet it still keeps going. It's getting quieter and quieter, closer and more intimate. I could hear but a whisper now. I could feel a presence, it didn't feel foreign. I have felt it before. Was it someone I knew? Who was hiding in the shadows? I could feel the burning intensity, someone was definitely there. I swinged my head back, before my eyes I saw it. A shadow covered by a cape. It held a scythe, I couldn't make out its face beneath the hood. It was the stereotypical caricature of death. The one you'd see in cartoons. The sound was coming from it. Once I fully turned to look at it, the whispers went away. The shadow was sitting in Yosano's seat at her desk. Its back turned to face me. I couldn't decide what to think on this exactly. Was I hallucinating from the pills? Most likely. Was it an ability? Or was it someone playing a joke on me? I couldn't help but let out a nervous laugh. It was a pathetic Sound. I could almost feel ashamed from what I've let out. The shadow then twisted its head to me. "Dazai." It called my name. "Dazai." It called my name again.
"Who are you? " I asked, contemplating whether I'm going insane or not.
"Dazai, how many times will you keep doing this? " ...
"What do you mean? " I asked it, confused. I mean, that's a weird thing to ask so casually. It's talking as if it knew me personally.
"How many times will you try to kill yourself? " Its question rang through my ears, painful as ever. I held my breath, till the pain has gone throughout the whole of my body before I could look it in the eye. The pain didn't last long, yet I felt like I was crocheted full of knots. I have never felt as tangled. What a weird feeling. I stared at it, not knowing what to say. I'm not surprised by this question anymore, I've heard it from practically everyone. It was said so many times, that I almost went deaf. It's as if I had a hole in the middle of my head. The hole would bleed through my bandages. I don't wear them anymore. I cackled at the absurdity. A complete stranger asking me that, how funny.
"Who are you to ask me that? " I replied, amused. I couldn't take the question seriously anymore. It's pathetic, really. The shadow didn't budge, not even a little. It was steadily standing in place, as if it was stuck in one position. It was difficult to stay stable myself, just looking at it.
"Your friend, Odasaku. He wished for you to become a good man, no? A good man wouldn't break a promise. "
"I know that. " My words quickly burst through the door, which is my mouth. "Then what are you trying to achieve? " "A man has to cure his boredom somehow, ya know? " I replied, more light hearted. For a second, I didn't sound like myself to me. Strange, it was typical of me to say.
"Is it really boredom you're trying to cure?"
" ... "
"I don't know. " Was I trying to find a purpose? A place to belong? Was I trying to find the truth of what exactly happens after death? All of my life I wished to find a purpose. And I found it, right? To be a good man. Now I'm part of the detective agency, I help people. I've got people who care about me, I've got a mentee, I've got a partner. A work partner of course. I couldn't find a woman that I could stay with. I doubt I could ever stay with anyone. I rewinded the conversation, just a mere second back. I heard it say --
"Your friend, Odasaku. He wished for you to become a good man, no? How does it know about him? The question struck me, I couldn't breathe for a moment. My eyes widened, for a short time that couldn't be caught. If it knows about Odasaku, what else is it aware of? How does it know about the promise? This creature, this shadow, is way more dangerous than I thought. I couldn't lay my guard down, vulnerability -- is something I've hated with a passion. It's the only time where you're naked, your vital organs..Or feelings exposed. You look back, then suddenly you feel a sharp pain in your back. Then it bleeds, bleeds painfully. Though it's not the physical pain that hurts, it's the anger. Being mad at yourself for not foreseeing this. For trusting whoever was behind you. I feel tense, I'm not sure what to do. I stare at that darn wretched thing that's sitting in front of me. I hate it. I hate this feeling more than anything. I'm not prepared for the next action, it knows my soft spots.
"How do you know about him?"I asked, my voice quietly trembling. I wasn't sure what to expect. I stared at him, my back straightening as if I wanted to assert some kind of dominance. Though, I knew doing that would make me seem even more pathetic than I already am right now. That disgusting thing, looked at me. I could tell, even though its face isn't visible under its hood. It was tense, I glared at it, it did the same. Before I knew it, it was gone. It dissapeared right before my eyes. I wasn't sure what to make of the situation, that just happened. Should I fear it? Probably. It knows a little too much about me, and I don't like it. I don't. I don't at all. It was late out, so I decided to head back home.
No one was at the agency, it was strange no one has noticed me before. Maybe they did, but decided to leave me laying on the cold floor. I wouldn't want to bother anyone with my existence anyway. I walk down the stairs, on the way I see the cafe that's underneath the agency. It's a really nice place, I enjoy to hang in there with my coworkers. But, it's definitely not a place where I belong. It's currently closed, of course. I know one place that would take me in, which would be the Lupin Bar. Maybe I'll go there instead. I don't wanna go home, I really don't. There's no one to welcome me there. I walk down the quiet street, no one passing me by. I'm left with my own thoughts, with my own self which I so hate. I can't face who I truly am, who I turned to be. I doubt I deserve to be alive at the current moment. I've done horrible things, I've searched for a purpose. What is my purpose? Better question, where do I find it? Besides from keeping my friend's purpose, nothing matters anyway.
I reach that shady old street, that I've grown so close with. I see that familiar sign lit up with the words displayed "Lupin Bar". I remember, I once had 2 dear friends who I used to drink with. Then it all fell apart. Everytime I go there, I hope to see his face. I know it's not possible. It's foolish, it's stupid, it's pathetic. I pass through the pathway down to the bar. That old atmosphere surrounds me, reminding me of my haunting past. The same light hanging off the ceiling, flickering every once in a while. The same waiter who served me all of these years. He heard all of my conversations, everything I talked about there. I sit on that old uncomfortable chair, that's too close to the counter. I glance at the waiter, he does the same
. "Anything you'd like?" He asked me, I've heard this sentence more than I could count. Repeated over and over again. It's all a cycle, a never ending cycle.
"Whiskey, please." I said, putting my arms against the counter. I folded my arms neatly, as if making a nest for my head to rest on. I observed as the waiter started making my drink. The formula never changed. It's all the same as always. The same, only this time he is missing from his place. He passes down the drink to me, it slid right into my hands. I held it gently, staring at the ice floating in the moist liquid. I wasn't here to drink my sorrows away, I'm not sure what I came here for. I chugged it down anyway, even if it didn't bring me any pleasure. But honestly? Nothing brings me pleasure anyway. I feel numb, no matter what happens to me. I always come back to this darn feeling. I fall into despair over and over again. I can't stop it, I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving something so familiar behind. I don't know what to do next, I'm lost.And so, I fell unconscious once again.
I was woken up from the waiter nagging at me shortly after. It's as if a mother was waking up a child for school, only he doesn't actually care like a mother would. As if I deserve for anyone to care for me. I'm a terrible being. I can't even call myself human, I'm something worse than that. I don't deserve the title of a human being. I sigh heavily and head out, the sun was beginning to rise. I guess time for work.
I spent the entire day pissing off Kunikida, and lazing around. Nothing important happened. He yelled at me like usual for not doing my paperwork, which I couldn't bother doing. Once my shift was over, I didn't want to go home again. I asked Atsushi whether I can go hang with him, but he told me he was busy. Dissapointing really. I don't wanna be left alone again.
I decided, that I'll go watch the skies at the rooftop. Once I arrived at the rooftop, the wind engulfing my whole body. I was hoping it would take me with it already. The skies were sunny, as if giving me hope for the next days. No clouds in sight. It's pretty sad, I was hoping I could count them like sheep before sleep. Sheep? That's funny. I was met by a familiar face. Well, not face exactly. It would be better to say, I was met by a familiar shadow. This thing tries to be so mysterious, it pisses me the hell off. It didn't have its scythe this time, I guess it didn't have a need for it.
"What are you doing here? "I asked it, curious. Not every time you get to see death at a rooftop. I mean, seriously! I can't even tell whether I'm going crazy or not. I might be actually. It turned to face me, the atmosphere wasn't as tense as last time for God knows what reason. Wouldn't say this thing still doesn't creep me out though. It knows too much. I could see a bony hand peeking out from its long sleeve. It had his arms crossed, was it unhappy to see me? Wow, how great. There was nothing but silence, I was expecting an answer that would never come. To ease the awkwardness, I decided to follow up with another question.
"You never told me who you are, mind telling me? "I prolongingly stared at it, my coat being played around with by the wind. The wind ruffled my hair also, leaving it even messier than it already was. The breeze was quite strong today, it nearly blew that Shadow's cape off. I am quite curious about how it looks truly. Maybe there's nothing at all underneath all this cloth. Who knows?
"Your kind likes to call me death. I am the one who takes the chosen with me." It replied, with that monotone voice just like recently.
"Mhm, I see. Then, will you take me with you?" I blurted out, not even thinking. What a stupid question! Surely I can laugh this off. "On one condition." It said. I was growing even more curious! Would it want me to sign some kind of contract?
"What kind of condition?" I asked expecting all kinds of outcomes. I mean, it could say anything! There's no limits to a condition.
"You must sleep with me."
"Never mind, I did not expect that.