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The apartment is the kind of quiet that means Jay has a girl over. The low hum of the TV, the sound of clothes against skin, the susurration of hushed voices. Matt fell asleep a few hours ago; an ill-advised midday nap-turned-REM that had him yawning upon rising. The type of sleep that makes you more tired. He rolls over to check his phone and finds it’s 9pm. From downstairs, Jay’s soft, self-conscious laugh drifts into Matt’s room.
“Jesus christ,” Matt mumbles. He wonders if Jay even knows that he’s home, wonders if he’s gonna fuck this girl on their couch. Wonders if he could wander downstairs, blame his appearance on something stupid. A glass of water, a beer. Jay, I haven’t eaten all day.
Matt thinks it over for so long that soft voices turn into the sound of kissing. Matt rolls his eyes. Jay’s always making that mistake. If it were Matt with that girl, they’d skip kissing and get straight to business. Jay always lets girls get attached, and then, inevitably, he has to break things off with them and they get crazy. And then Matt has to listen to them call Jay an asshole and a loser, which is fair because Jay is an asshole and a loser, but only Matt should get to call him that, since. Well, since girls don’t really get Jay. Jay is too gentle with girls. He’s kind of a pussy, in that way.
Matt rolls out of bed, throws a t-shirt on and considers sweats before deciding that this is his house, so he’s allowed to walk around in his underwear if he wants. He walks downstairs and — Aaaaaand.
Jay’s in the girl’s lap, which is odd. And the girl’s hands are, like, weirdly big. One is on Jay’s back, the other tucked down the back of his jeans. Matt just stands and stares for a little, trying to make sense of the scene. And then the girl pulls back and, in a voice that is decidedly too low for a girl, says: “Fuck, you’re so hot.”
“Holy shit,” Matt says.
Jay’s head whips around, his eyes wide, and then he’s scrambling off the guy’s lap. Because it is a guy. Jay was sitting in a guy’s lap, and making out with him, and the guy’s hand was down the back of his pants, and — “Matt!” Jay shouts, zipping his jeans up. “Matt, I can — Matt, it’s not —”
“Uh,” Matt says. He feels frozen. Nothing is really computing. The guy is just sitting there. He has a hard-on. Matt glances at it and then looks away like it’s burning his eyes. “Uh, Jay,” Matt says.
Jay walks up to him and Matt flinches back. Jay pushes him, a hand to his shoulder. “Listen, Matt,” he says.
“Hey, man, should I go?” says the guy.
“No,” Jay says, as Matt says: “Yeah, you fucking moron.”
Matt pushes Jay back. He pushes him again. He grabs Jay by the hair and yanks.
“Hey, guys, break it up,” the guy says.
Matt sees red. He doesn’t have words for this douchebag, doesn’t have words for the way he gets up and adjusts his dick and tries to separate the two of them with his dick-hand. Doesn’t have anything to say, isn’t sure what he’d say even if he did. He keeps beating on Jay, keeps pulling his hair, scratches at his cheek.
Jay socks him in the gut and Matt tries to kick him in the balls. They struggle to the ground and keep whaling on each other. The guy stands there awkwardly for a minute, tries to pull Matt off of Jay again, and then he’s gone; swift footsteps and the slam of the front door. Matt straddles Jay.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were a faggot?” Matt asks, grabbing at Jay’s face, shaking him from side to side.
“Fuck off,” Jay gasps, scratching Matt’s neck. His nails are longer than Matt’s, a little jagged from how he bites them. The mark stings. He might even be bleeding. What a catty bitch. “You’re the faggot.”
Matt stares at him, eyes wide. “I’m the faggot? Jaybird, are you forgetting what I just walked in on?”
Jay tries to wiggle out of Matt’s grasp, kicking his legs, but Matt holds him down. “You’re such a fucking loser,” Matt giggles. “Can’t get any pussy so you’re going around trying to fuck guys?”
“That’s not —” Jay gasps.
Matt laughs. His heart is beating out of his chest. He lifts Jay by the shoulders and slams him back down. “That’s not what’s going on? Then tell me, Bird, what’s going on?”
“Nothing — nothing, I was just trying —”
Matt tilts his head. “Trying. What were you trying?”
“I don’t know,” Jay shakes his head. “Matt, let me go.”
“No,” Matt says. “Why would I let you go?”
“Because —”
“Because what? Because what, Birdie? Why should I let you go?”
“Matt, stop being an asshole,” Jay grunts, slapping at him like a girl.
“I’m not being an asshole,” Matt says, grabbing Jay’s face again, pinning one of his arms down with his other hand. “You’re the one being an asshole, because you won’t answer my question. You’re being rude, Jaybird. What’d your mom say about being rude, huh?”
“Fuck off,” Jay gasps, trying to buck him off. “Get off me, Matt.”
“Hey,” Matt says, voice soft. “You know what’s funny, Jay? You’re not even fucking trying to get me off of you. I know you’re stronger than this, you little freak. You’re probably getting off on it. Ohh, my god you’re such a fucking fag, how did I not see it before?”
“Matt, shut the fuck up,” Jay snarls.
“I bet you’re hard right now,” Matt snorts. “You’re such a little bitch.” He pushes at Jay’s face, grinds him down into the carpet. “Are you getting off on this? Is this good for you, Birdie?”
“Matt, this really isn’t funny,” Jay whines.
“I’m not trying to be funny, I’m trying to get some answers out of you, dumbass.” Matt shifts his weight back and finds Jay hard underneath him. “Ohh-ho-ho,” Matt laughs. “You’re so predictable, Bird.”
Jay, flushed red, shuts his eyes tight. He bites his lip with his stupid rabbit teeth.
“Uh-uh,” Matt shakes his head. “Look at me. What were you gonna do with that guy?”
Jay, eyes still closed, lets his head loll to the side. “I don’t know, Matt. I wasn’t gonna do anything.”
“No? He had his hand down the back of your pants. Were you gonna let him fuck you?”
Jay goes impossibly redder. “No,” he says, but it sounds like yes. “I didn’t know you were home.”
“And that makes it okay? You’re allowed to be a faggot when I’m not home? Who said?”
Matt watches as Jay’s eyes go wet at the corners. It’s the most beautiful Matt’s ever found him — red in the face, tears in his eyes. Matt watches his chest hitch, watches him stifle sobs. And then he starts unbuttoning his shirt.
The crying stops abruptly. Jay’s hands fly to Matt’s wrists. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Isn’t this what you want?”
Jay shakes his head, incredulous. “Isn’t this — Matt, what is this?”
“I’m gonna fuck you,” Matt says. “That’s what you were asking for, so I’ll do it. You should say thank you, Bird. Look at what I’m willing to do for you.”
Jay’s hands fall away from Matt’s wrists, so Matt keeps unbuttoning. He blinks up at him, eyes wide and wet.
“You could’ve just asked me,” Matt says, pushing Jay’s shirt over his shoulders. “Instead of getting some other guy to do it.”
“No I couldn’t’ve,” Jay croaks. “You would’ve called me a faggot.”
“I have been calling you a faggot,” Matt says, flicking Jay in the forehead. “Haven’t you been listening? Just because you’re a faggot doesn’t mean I won’t fuck you out of the kindness of my heart.”
“That’s not how that works,” Jay says, lifting up so Matt can slip his shirt out from under him.
“Why isn’t it?”
“Because you’re not — Matt, you’re not gay.”
Matt shrugs. “Neither are you.”
“Matt,” Jay groans.
“Are you?” Matt says, cocking his head to the side. “Wait, Bird,” Matt laughs, “are you gay?”
“I’m not fucking —” Jay pushes at Matt. Matt holds him back down.
“Wait,” Matt says, pressing Jay’s arms further down into the carpet. “This is actually awesome. Girls love gay guys.” Matt runs his nails down Jay’s chest. He scratches at his nipples until they’re hot red. “I should just walk you around on a leash and be like, ‘hey, girls, this is my gay best friend Jay.’”
“What would that even —”
Matt slides off of Jay’s lap. “Take your pants off.”
Jay does, immediately, wiggling his hips to slide his jeans over his ass. He kicks them off his legs and lies there in his boxer briefs, dick tenting them. He goes to lace his fingers together on his stomach and then thinks twice about it and rests his hands at his side. Matt laughs, finding the whole thing really fucking funny.
“Jaybird, I obviously meant you should take your panties off, too,” Matt says, snide. “You’re not being very efficient.”
“Sorry,” Jay says, pulling those off too.
“Hey, not even any backtalk? Aww,” Matt says, reaching up to grab Jay’s jaw and shake him back and forth. “Who’s a good boy, huh?” He shoves his fingers into Jay’s mouth for good measure.
Jay all but spits them out. “What the fuck, Matt? Stop talking to me like I’m a dog.”
“Right, because you’re not a dog, are you?” Matt nods. “What are you, Jaybird?”
“I’m — I’m a man, Matt. Obviously. I’m a human man.”
“No,” Matt scoffs. “God, you’re no fun. You’re such a wet blanket. No wonder girls don’t like you, no wonder the only action you can get is from fucking loser guys.”
“He wasn’t even,” Jay says. “He wasn’t even a loser. He was in tech.”
Matt has to stifle hysterical laughter, his eyes going wide with the effort to keep it in. “‘He was in tech’,” he says in a girly voice. “I should call your mom, let her know about your new boyfriend who works for fucking Google.”
“Stop talking about my fucking mom, Matt,” Jay whines, rolling onto his side. Matt reaches out and puts him on his back again.
“Then don’t be annoying,” Matt says. “You said you aren’t a dog, so what are you?”
“Matt,” Jay groans. “I don’t want to play this game with you.”
“No? Oh, you just wanna get laid,” Matt says, like the thought is just occurring to him. He reaches down to wrap a hand around Jay’s dick. He squeezes maybe a little too hard. “How fast do you think I can get you off?”
Jay doesn’t answer. He pushes his hips up into Matt’s grasp.
“Impatient,” Matt says, dropping Jay’s dick. “Better question: How long can I draw it out?”
“Fuck off, Matt,” Jay moans.
“Oh, so you didn’t want to play my other game, and now you’re all against this one? It could be fun, Bird. You don’t get to come, and I get to play with you for as long as I want.”
Matt looks at Jay’s face, looks at the way his eyes are glazed over, his mouth is cracked open. He’s flushed across the bridge of his nose. His lips are bitten red, his tongue resting against the lower one. Anyone who walked in right now could tell what they’ve been doing just based on his dumb face.
“That doesn’t sound fun to you?” Matt coos.
“You’re a fucking freak, Matt,” Jay spits.
Matt blinks. “And you’re still gonna let me fuck you. It’s sad, honestly, Jay, that you have absolutely no standards. You’d let anyone up your ass.”
Jay’s dick jerks, leaks wet against his stomach. Matt rubs his fingertips over the head. “You’re just like a girl. Actually, you’re even more pathetic than a girl. You’re getting wet over someone making fun of you.” Matt pushes at Jay’s mouth again, slips his fingers against his tongue. “Is that what you’re into, Bird? Did you get hard when you got made fun of in high school?”
Jay shakes the fingers out of his mouth again. His canines scrape against Matt’s skin. “You got made fun of in high school,” he says, voice weak.
Matt rolls his eyes. “Semantics. You were a loser by association.”
Jay blinks up at him with wet eyes. The apartment is so quiet he can hear the electronic hum of their media center, the cars on the street outside. Matt brings his hand back to Jay’s dick, holds it gentle, barely jerks him off, just moves his hand featherlight along the length of it.
“Matt,” Jay huffs.
“I don’t like being mean to you, Bird,” Matt lies. He brings his other hand to Jay’s balls and rolls them around. “I wish you’d give me a reason to be nice.”
“Matt,” Jay gasps.
“How long does it take you to get it up again after you come?” Matt asks, tightening his hand on Jay’s dick. Jay doesn’t answer, just stares at him with his mouth open. Matt giggles. “God, you look so dumb right now.”
Jay’s eyes screw shut and then, with Matt barely even jerking him off as much as petting him, he comes over Matt’s fist.
“Holy shit,” Matt laughs. He strokes Jay through it (he’s nice like that) until Jay makes a choked off noise, his knees flying up to his chest. “Jesus christ, Bird. Two pump chump over here.”
Jay starts letting his legs fall back to the floor. Matt shoves his knees back up.
“No, stay like that,” Matt says. He presses his dry thumb against Jay’s asshole and grins when Jay shouts. “Have you ever done this before?”
Jay’s bright red, his eyes watering again. “I don’t wanna talk about it, MJ.”
Matt stares at him, puzzled. “You don’t want to tell me if I’m taking your anal virginity?”
“Oh my god,” Jay groans, putting his hands over his face.
“Have you at least done it to yourself?” Matt says, spitting on his fingers and rubbing one against Jay’s hole. He watches his face while he does it, watches him give the world’s smallest nod. “You really are gay,” Matt marvels. He thinks about Jay on his back on his bed, fucking his fingers in and out of himself. “Do you think you could dress gayer? So we could use it for the act?”
Jay takes his hands away from his face, squints at Matt. “How would that —”
Matt slips a wet finger inside of him.
“Jesus — fuck,” Jay grunts.
“Like, the tides are kind of turning on gay guys, you know? Having a gay element in our act could really change things for us.”
“Matt, shut up,” Jay whines.
“Right,” Matt says. “You want all my focus to be on fucking you. You’re such an attention whore. I can’t talk about anything else but my fingers in your ass, I guess.” Matt shrugs, slips his middle finger inside along his first, pressing in deep. “So, were you gonna let that guy do this to you on our couch? Or were you gonna bring him upstairs?”
Jay doesn’t say anything, just squirms on Matt’s fingers, his face screwed up.
“You should really answer, Bird,” Matt says, clicking his tongue. “I can just stop if you’re gonna be a bitch.” He starts moving to pull out.
“No, no, Matt,” Jay says, frantic. “Keep going, please. I was gonna. I don’t know what I was gonna — Matt, I didn’t think that far ahead, I was just kind of — Please, Matt.”
He’s crying again. Matt stares at him, eyes wide. “Hey, Birdie, it’s okay. I’m not gonna stop. Just talk to me, alright?”
Jay nods, reaching up to wipe his eyes. He sniffs. “Yeah, okay, Matt.”
Matt wiggles his fingers around, tries to shove a third in. “You have to loosen up, Jaybird. Relax.” He puts a hand against Jay’s belly, which jerks as soon as Matt touches down. “See? You’re so tense. And you’re doing this with me, your best friend. How were you gonna manage with some complete stranger?”
“He wasn’t a stranger, we — we went on a date.”
Matt blinks. “You what?”
“Matt,” Jay sighs.
“You went on a date with that faggot?”
“Matt,” Jay groans.
“No,” Matt says, slipping his fingers out of Jay. “That’s insane. You know that, right? Where’d you go? Did you go get coffee? Did he talk about fucking algorithms?”
“It’s really not that big of a deal.”
Matt shakes his head, baffled. “A gay date isn’t a big deal? What if one of your girls saw you out with a guy?”
“‘One of my girls’? Matt, what are you even talking about?”
Matt shrugs, feeling crazy. “I’m just saying, like, you could ruin your street cred with girls for the rest of your life if they saw you, fucking, canoodling with some fag over iced lattes.”
“We went to a movie,” Jay says, hackles up.
Matt barks a laugh. “You went to a movie!?”
“Why is that — why is everything such a fucking thing with you, man?”
“We go to movies,” Matt says, feeling his face start to flush. “What’d you see? ‘Cuz I won’t get to see whatever it was, now, and that’s not fair, Jay.”
Jay blinks at him. And then a knowing expression unfolds over his face. He chuckles. Matt is going to explode.
“What? Why are you laughing?”
“You’re jealous,” Jay hisses.
“I’m not jealous. I don’t want to go out on a date with some guy in tech.”
“Matt, you know that’s not what I’m —”
“Just shut up,” Matt says, pushing Jay’s knees back further, folding him in half. “I’m gonna fuck you. And it’ll be fine, and we won’t have to talk about that guy anymore.”
“His name’s Mike,” Jay says, grinning.
Matt, with his heart beating angry in his throat, pulls his briefs down under his dick, spits in his hand and slicks it up, presses it up against Jay’s hole in lieu of saying anything, scared if he speaks it’ll be something incriminating.
“Jesus, Matt,” Jay moans, his head tipping back. The length of his neck taunts Matt. There’s a hickey under his jaw. Matt feels like he’s going to pass out. He pushes into Jay a little at a time, hips shaking as he holds back from bullying his way in.
Once he’s inside, Jay can’t be quiet. His every breath is a whimper. Matt attaches his teeth to Jay’s throat and bites hard. Jay’s hand flies to the back of Matt’s head, threads his fingers through his hair.
“Fuck,” Jay groans.
“Is it good?” Matt asks, pulling back. “Better than that guy would’ve been?”
Jay gives him an uncharacteristically soft smile, scratching Matt’s head. His chest is flushed all over. His dick sits half-hard between them, leaking against his belly with every push of Matt’s hips. “Yeah, MJ, it’s good.”
“You like it?” Matt gasps, fucking harder.
“I — fuck, Matt,” Jay moans.
“You do,” Matt says, answering his own question. “You like it.”
Jay nods, head tipping back.
Matt’s head fills up with things he could say. Things to push Jay’s buttons, things to push him closer to the edge. He wonders if the guy had a condom in his wallet. If he would’ve fucked him with it on, if there would’ve been that barrier between the two of them. Matt’s fucking him raw. Matt’s gonna come inside him. Matt —
Matt’s breath hitches, and he grinds his hips in deep as he comes.
Jay makes an unintelligible noise, reaches down between the two of them to jerk himself off. Matt slaps his hand out of the way and does it himself, his fingers clumsy as he wraps them around Jay’s dick.
“Oh — fuck,” Jay coughs out as he comes over Matt’s fist again, weakly spurting over his already come-mottled stomach. Matt watches his toes curl. He watches Jay breathe, his body trembling.
Matt feels his gut swim. He feels nervous, suddenly, like he’s done something wrong, like this is going to fuck them for the rest of time. He pulls out of Jay, sees him wince, sees his come drip out after his dick. He goes lightheaded.
“I think I’m gonna die,” Matt says, gravely.
Jay blinks up at him. “What?”
He feels like a rabid dog. He plants a hand on Jay’s chest and feels his heart beat. Jay gives him a wry little smile. He puts his hand over Matt’s. Matt wants to kiss him.
“You’re so fucking gay,” Jay laughs.
“Me? You’re the one who went on a gay date, Bird,” Matt says, voice thready. “You were the one who was gonna — have gay sex with some loser.”
Jay’s face goes shy. He looks unrepentantly faggy. He presses his fingers — long, piano-player — between Matt’s. “Hey MJ,” he says.
Matt looks at him. Really looks at him; his unfairly pretty face, his cheeks red. He’s fucked.
“You wanna go see a movie tomorrow?”
Matt’s chest hitches with manic laughter. He nods, helpless.