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Tanner opened the window above his bed to help the smoke floating around his room dissipate faster before he flopped into his bed. One of the downsides of smoking is that the smell always permeates. Thankfully, his friends didn't mind the smell, either indulging in it themselves or tolerating his habit regardless. He had already put away his pre-roll in a discrete plastic tube and dumped it into his junk drawer, which, to be fair, all of his drawers were junk drawers, but that was just part of his charm.
He had told himself before lighting his pre-roll that this would be his last one for a while. He wasn't committing himself to quitting completely, but due to his recent weight loss journey, he also wanted to lessen other bad habits. He wasn't the most prolific smoker, but he did feel the tiniest bit of guilt every time he'd smoke, especially compared to someone like Nick, or Larry. He just wanted to focus on being healthy this go around with his weight loss attempt, instead of becoming overeager and gaining back twice the weight in the end. He figured it wouldn't hurt him to be more clearheaded during his endeavor.
He slapped his hand around the top of his nightstand, searching for his LED remote. He was lying on his back in his bed, already too lazy to sit up and actually look for the tiny thing. He had the covers kicked off towards his feet. His body was running hot tonight. He made a small sound of triumph when he recognized the flat rectangular shape under his palm. He easily changed the lights to a dark blue without looking at the buttons. He sighed in satisfaction as his eyes no longer felt like they were being assaulted. He let the remote go, losing it once more to the mess on top of his nightstand.
He folded his hands over his stomach, consequently getting distracted by the texture of his shirt. He was enamored by the contrast between its softness and the grittiness of the print on it that had been peeling off slowly each time he washed it. He got lost in the nice feeling textures, thinking of nothing in particular as he rubbed his palms up and down his front. He hadn't realized his thoughts were running until his mind was suddenly completely blank for the first time in what felt like weeks—months, even.
Unfortunately for him, as soon as he realized that, all the thoughts that would get tangled up in his head like a cheap pair of wired earbuds in a crowded purse came flooding back. He sighed in resignation as he ruined his own peaceful state of mind. He bit his lip as one recurring thought in particular came to the forefront. You know Larry doesn't like you as much as he used to. He's just being nice about it because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. And it's all your fault, too.
Tanner groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, bringing his palms to his eyes as if to protect himself from his thoughts. He knew that wasn't true. It couldn't be true. If he flipped through his recent memory of the moments he'd shared with Larry, there was no indication that the other hated him, let alone that he had become completely disinterested in their friendship. It was a stupid thought. He was being stupid.
But he couldn't disregard these feelings, despite how truthful they were or not. He had to tell himself that it was just his depression or his ADHD acting up, most likely a combination of both. He was just being sensitive, and Larry had been a perfectly fine friend to him the entire time they'd known each other. In fact, Tanner would say that Larry had become an even better, more attentive friend in the past year, ever since Tanner had to move back to Washington for a period of time to clear his mental, and reconnect with his family.
Some friends might've drifted a little due to the distance, but he and Larry had been in contact regularly. Their Discord calls had become a highlight of Tanner's time back home. Tanner truthfully believed the distance had inspired Larry to become better at attending to their friendship, and they were better at overcoming obstacles together now. More aware of what made the other tick. It was, of course, different from living with each other, not as passionate, if Tanner had to come up with a word for it. But there was no valid reason for Tanner to think that he and Larry had drifted…
But it was a thought that haunted him. He could be honest with himself about that in the comfort of his own head at least. Outwardly, Tanner could say that Larry hadn't actually done something concrete to make him think the other was losing interest in him, but there was a feeling that had been planted in Tanner's subconscious back when their interactions had been limited to those Discord calls in Washington. When he moved back to Texas, he had thought that sprout would be uprooted, but on the contrary, its roots only dug deeper once he saw Larry face-to-face daily again.
It was probably just Tanner, but he swears there would be a tangible tension that surrounded the two of them sometimes, especially when they were alone together. In the past, they would have had a sort of flirtatious tension arise between them, due to their sexual jokes, but it had always been fun. It was a dynamic that Tanner was comfortable falling into with his friends. Something he had picked up way before him and Larry ever met, and Larry had never told him he was uncomfortable with it, so there had been no reason to stop it at that time. But the tension that would fill a room when they were together now wasn't any of that—it wasn't fun at all.
It was the kind of tension that activated Tanner's fight or flight instincts. It made him feel like he'd misstepped with the other, but was still completely unable to identify the reason why. It made his palms sweat with nerves. And Larry never acknowledged when it would happen, so Tanner wouldn't either. He'd be left feeling adrift and cold, even though he would be right next to one of his best friends.
The only reason for this new awkwardness that Tanner could think of was his girlfriend, which he didn't like to think, because he wasn't trying to blame her for anything (especially when this problem was probably completely made up in Tanner's mentally ill head). When they first got together, they had a conversation about him and Larry. Specifically, the flirtatious nature of their friendship. She hadn't completely forbidden him from flirting with Larry here and there, but she had made it clear that she didn't appreciate it when they would get physically close with each other. Which was completely fair, and Tanner had no problem with that boundary. Tanner wouldn't say he was particularly jealous, even in relationships, but he could sympathize with her.
After that conversation, however, it had been surprisingly difficult to stop touching Larry. It wasn't that Tanner desired Larry in that way, but it had been a habit built up over time, and it had been a solidified part of their friendship, especially after moving in together. It had essentially been quitting another relatively harmless but annoying habit, and Tanner had eventually been able to stop the flirtatious touches and stick to what he'd agreed to with her. So it wasn't a problem anymore, or it shouldn't be. But Tanner couldn't help but make things like this a bigger deal in his head.
So try as he might, he couldn't prevent himself from thinking that this was the main reason for the weird tension he and Larry shared now. He hypothesized that Larry had noticed his physical distancing and had taken it as a sign of drifting apart on Tanner's end. It was the only thing his usually dull intellect could come up with for the reason why Larry was able to invoke that tension with him.
The biggest thing that confused him, though, was that Larry had never directly said anything about feeling pushed away by Tanner, or even acknowledged the tension. The younger boy seemed completely content, ignoring the elephant in the room, which made Tanner doubt there was even an elephant to begin with. Larry would still readily joke around with him and smile at him with his black sparkling eyes like nothing was going on with them, which made Tanner always hesitate to bring any of this up to him.
It never happened with the other guys either. This was one reason why Tanner had even noticed it had become a "thing" in his friendship with Larry in the first place. He never felt so nervous and sweaty around Nick, Isaac, and Grant, two of whom also lived in the same house. So it was a problem/not-problem that only happened with him and Larry.
At the end of the day, all of this could definitely be a symptom of Tanner overthinking things. That option was always on the table, too. But there was always a tiny voice that pulled Tanner back again and again to doubting this was all solely in his head.
Tanner was only able to stop his stormy spiralling thoughts once he realized tears were springing to his eyes. He didn't need to cry tonight. He pushed his palms into his eye sockets harshly and rubbed the tears back to where they came.
He finally opened his eyes after closing them through that entire monsoon of emotions. He attempted a breathing exercise he'd read about from a mental health webpage as he dug around for his phone in his tangle of sheets. He resignedly unlocked his phone for another rewatch of Adventure Time.