Chapter Text
October was rapping its knuckles on your patio doors, but inside this house, it was warm. Smells of something cooking and soul jazz seeped past your front windows. The light was low, oranges and yellows against the black evening outside. It was Erwin’s birthday and your sleeves were rolled up to the elbow.
With the back of your hand, you wiped your face. The stew was simmering, the chicken was resting. Roasted potatoes laid on the tray above the caramelised carrots, both of which you were very proud of.
The old induction fans above the stove were whirring away diligently, but their age meant that the kitchen steamed up no matter how high you cranked up the power. This meant that the door separating the kitchen and dining from the living room was all fogged up in the checkered glass amongst the wooden frames. Still, you could just about see the silhouettes of your housemates when your eyes wandered to them. Levi, a smudged figure fixing the pillows on the couch and talking over his shoulder at the other smudged figure. By his beloved 80s Hi-Fi stereo system, Erwin was changing the tracks.
You had always had a hard time differentiating the artists Erwin listened to, but it was a mix of jazz and soul that gave you a sense of familiarity and joy. Your feet shifted to the syncopation between the drums and the trumpets as you stirred the stew to keep it from sticking. It was no different from all those warm summer afternoons you spent cooling off in Erwin’s bedroom, listening to him explain the genius of Freddie Hubbard while he queued up the discography. Levi would be leaned up against Erwin’s headboard, working quietly on his ThinkPad laptop, that blocky old thing, and you would be splayed across the rest of that double bed, stripped down to your sports bra, baring yourself to Erwin’s table fan.
The memory brought a smile to your face, but not as much as the faint laughter coming from beyond the foggy door. That subtle but rich happiness in Erwin’s voice.
It thrummed inside of you. An old, old kind of love.
You were checking on the hidden cake where it sat in the cupboard with the candles and lighter when you heard the doorbell ring. Soon, there was a flood of voices. Or more so, one voice ringing out above the rest—
“Big twenty-one!” You placed the lid over your simmering work and looked out to see the vague shape of Hange and their arms raised with a bottle in each hand. Beside them, you saw a meeker shape and you knew that it was Moblit.
Your phone buzzed in your pocket then. A message from Petra.
I think I’m lost x-x!!
You wiped your hands on the sides of your pants.
send me a vid lmao i’ll come get you
A few moments later came a video and from the looks of her surroundings, she seemed to have ended up on the street on the other side of your house, below the slope of your yard. You texted back: ok ok stay right there
One last cautious check of your stoves before you pushed open the door to the living room. The music and conversation clarified, and Hange piqued up at the sight of you. “Oh there you are!”
“Hi hi, sorry—” You accepted their hug as you made your way through the space, past Levi and Moblit and their quiet conversation. “Petra’s on the wrong side of the house.” Erwin was by the door, greeting Nile and taking his jacket from the man’s hands to hang. You squeezed by them to get to your shoes. “I’ll be right back,” you told the pair.
Erwin handed you your jacket before you could ask for it, and that was that. The evening was bringing autumn into sharp reality for you and you shoved your hands deep into your pockets as you sped for where Petra was.
You had known Petra since the beginning of university, but somehow, you had yet to invite her to your house until now. After all, her flat was closer to campus, and so you never really had the occasion to bring her out this far. Maybe some part of it was on you though. The house policy on other kinds of guests was clear, and maybe you had internalised it a little bit too much, extended it a bit too far.
As you rounded the bend, a car drove by, and its headlights illuminated the shape of a ginger-haired woman. You called out. “Hey! Petra!”
“Oh hi!”
You met her halfway on the street and greeted her with a hug. You felt the softness of her woolly coat and smelled the sweetness of her floral perfume. When you pulled back, you noticed too, just above the darkness, the shine of the necklace on her collarbone, the colour on her lips and cheeks. “Damn, you look really good,” you complimented as you let go of her and began to lead her back.
“Thanks,” she breathed out. “I’m trying out the whole makeup thing. Do you think it’s too much?”
You looked at her. “No, not at all. I think that colour really suits you— Actually, you know, I have a lip gloss that you might like, if you’re into that pink.”
The street sloped upwards as you approached the turning point. Your mind was half on that stew still, and hoping it wouldn’t magically go up in flames in the few minutes that you were gone, or that the oven would suddenly explode your vegetables into embers and charcoal.
“So is everybody there?” Petra asked.
“Yeah. It’s me, you, Erwin, Levi, Hange— they’re a friend. Hange and Moblit are Levi’s coursemates. Maybe Eld and Oluo know them?” Petra murmured an affirmative to that. “And Nile, who’s Erwin’s friend from his course, is here. I don’t know much about him. He’s kind of intimidating, I can’t lie.”
As you approached your house, you noticed the front door being kept open by a figure leaned back, arms crossed, looking out into the streets.
Your eyes met with Levi’s. “Hey.” Going up the steps. “Getting air already?”
He huffed, that motion shaking a few strands of hair from his forehead. Levi was wearing a black jumper that contrasted so strikingly against his pale skin, his hands now shoving into the pockets of his dark jeans. “Maybe. Or maybe I just knew you forgot to grab your keys when you ran off.”
As you reached the final step, you watched as Levi’s gaze found Petra, who was staring at him with a slightly wide-eyed expression. “Hi,” she said, when it was clear Levi was waiting for her to speak. “I’m Petra. I’m friends with Eld and Oluo? And obviously, you know,” and she gestured at you kind of awkwardly.
“Oluo,” Levi repeated that name as though he had a strong opinion attached to this person. “Yeah. I know them.”
“Yeah,” Petra breathed out. “I knew them from school.”
You watched as Levi really looked Petra up and down. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking, not by that impassive expression he often held in unfamiliar company. The greys of his eyes were dark in the evening’s shadow.
“Come on, let’s get you inside,” you said to Petra, feeling a strange something brewing in the air. Maybe it was just nerves. Maybe it was that. “Dinner’s basically ready.”
“Okay, yeah. Nice to finally meet you, Levi.”
“…Yeah.”
*
The Hubbard catalog had transitioned to Chico Hamilton by the time everybody got seated around the table. It was a buzz of conversation and the kind of life that was different to the one normally residing in this house: busy, and wide.
“—You are a fantastic chef,” Hange exclaimed for about the third time tonight, words barely squeezing by the large swallow of roasted potatoes going down their gullet. “Seriously, what’s the secret? Did you go to culinary school when you were young and not tell anyone? Or is there some crushed-up magic whatever in all this?”
You laughed and hid your blush behind a drink of rose. “I was struggling enough with normal school as is, where the hell would I get the time to do that?” You shook your head. “No, it’s just… I don’t know. I learned to cook because it was fun. That’s all. And I like making good food for the people around me.”
Erwin smiled down at the bowl before him. He knew this was intentional. This stew was one of the first recipes you had ever cooked for him.
It was in the first year of the three of you being friends, and he had kept much to himself then— didn’t want to burden his new friends with his baggage, didn’t have the bravery that you did to live with your heart on your sleeve.
Still, you happened to message him on that particular morning about hanging out and he told you— Sorry, I can’t. I’m visiting my mum today. I can do tomorrow though?
You understood immediately what kind of day it was.
If you want to be left alone, that’s okay, you told him. But I’m trying out a new recipe today. Levi will be here too. Do you want to come for dinner?
Erwin wouldn’t find out until years later— though he had always suspected it from the beginning— that you hadn’t planned anything until you found out it was his mother’s anniversary. That you called Levi immediately after Erwin had agreed to come, and the two of you made a plan to make sure that he wouldn’t be alone.
The stew wasn’t anything complicated. It was just—
“Some Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, beef stock, the mirepoix, and— oh, if you’re looking for a secret ingredient,” you said to Hange, “I guess it would be a little bit of soy sauce. Soy sauce is usually my secret ingredient in every recipe.”
Erwin broke into one of the meatballs, the memory still swirling in his mind.
That night, he and his father had sat at the dinner table with you, your mother, and Levi. Your mother was a stern but generous woman, and she did not pry into the reasons why you had invited not only your friends but also a parent to your home. You were making jokes that your mother had prepared the other dishes in case your stew came out poisonous. It was anything but.
There you were then. A fourteen-year-old girl, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, serving up bowls of compassion to a boy who didn’t know how to ask for it. That was you. Endlessly giving.
Erwin didn’t have any memories of his mother, but he felt that if he did, they would feel something similar to the memory of that night. Your care, and the comfort of a home-cooked meal.
That was who you were. Endlessly giving. To a fault.
He felt a nudge against his ankles and he looked up from his thoughts to see Levi’s eyes boring into him. The man tilted his head a little, as if to say, You good?
Erwin just smiled and nodded.
*
Levi had gotten Erwin a new pair of headphones, said Erwin was clinging onto that old pair like a sentimental geezer, and you had gotten Erwin tickets to a jazz night at this new speakeasy opening downtown. The tickets were digital, so you had written him a card as something physical to give him.
The message in there was long. Levi noticed that when Erwin sat back in his chair as if to settle into the moment, to really consider and savour the words in front of him, as it were.
He could not imagine attempting something like that himself. Has Levi ever written a letter? Words were always yours and Erwin’s thing. It was all sharp and wrong like stones in his mouth whenever he tried to express himself.
With your attention on Erwin as you watched the man read, Levi glanced and saw your glass empty. Wordlessly, he slid it to himself and poured you the rose that you were drinking. You noticed it from the corner of your eye and you murmured a soft thanks, and Levi pretended it was nothing. Like these little things were nothing.
“So, Levi.” He turned his head to the sound of his name. Petra had hers tilted in a question, lipstick faded from food and drink, but the blush was still present. Not the kind of blush you ever wore. “What do you like to do outside of class? You seem like the type that takes your studies pretty seriously.” She then added, with a soft huff of laughter, “Unlike my friends.”
Levi fiddled with the bottom of his wine glass. It had been empty for a while now; he had poured himself enough for the toast and drank that amount and left it there, because he knew better. His thumb rubbed along the curve. “Yeah, I guess that’s right. I study. I work my part-time. It’s nothing exciting.” He shrugged. “Outside of that, I try to stay active, and I swim a few times a week.”
“Levi was on our school’s swimming team,” you chimed in at that, and Levi couldn’t help but immediately sigh under his breath. You were annoying like that, always taking the opportunity to brag about him like he was your son or something. “He’s really good at it, he won two golds for us back then. Fastest time for the 50 meter, was it?”
There was more to it than that, but the specifics didn’t matter. He didn’t know why you were bringing this up in the first place. “We were just competing against other schools. It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“That’s still really impressive,” Petra said. When Levi finally found the mind to look at you to maybe send you a subtle scowl that’ll tell you to knock it off, Erwin had pulled your attention and was whispering to you with a soft smile spread across his whole face, card in his hand. “Did you take lessons for it or was it just training from your school?”
Levi knew he was answering Petra with something, something about how he’d stay after school sometimes and ask for extra practice. He left out the reason why, but he was watching you from the corner of his eye as you spoke to Erwin over Nile’s empty seat as he left for the bathroom. You had that smile on your face that said everything, and Erwin might as well have been palming your face as he thanked you for your kindness and compassion.
Unlike you, Levi didn’t believe in metaphors from the universe, but in moments like these, even he couldn’t help but think back to that one particular summer, that one particular trip. To that fossil beach and the ammonite piece that was handed to him after it broke in your hands. It had been years since he last saw your piece or Erwin’s, but all the same, he knew. He knew his piece of the puzzle was the smallest.
*
“Happy birthday to you…”
Erwin knew that he could never forget you, not for as long as he could remember anything, not for as long as he was still himself. But when the candlelight framed your face where it was on his birthday cake, a ‘21’ standing proud and ablaze, he knew that in his heart, you were there.
Beside Erwin was Levi, leaned against the wall but with a small smile in his eyes and his voice soft and low as he sang to Erwin. Erwin had always held the belief that Levi could be a fantastic singer with that voice of his if he ever found the confidence for it, but that was Erwin’s selfishness coming through. Always asking for too much. No, once a year, he got to hear Levi sing to him, and that, he could learn, was enough.
When the cake settled and the flames slowly danced to a simmer, the wax burnt away, and Erwin’s eyes closed. He made a wish then that was really just a confession, as all his birthday wishes had been ever since he met you and Levi.
Let them find happiness.
Let me continue to be beside them.
Was that greed? Erwin never knew the answer to that.
*
After the cake and some more conversations, the party had simmered to a quieter kind of buzz. You took Petra upstairs to make good on your offer of the lip gloss.
“Your room is really nice,” Petra said as her eyes wandered. You rummaged through your desk.
“Thanks. It’s a bit messy, but.” The lip gloss in question was one you hadn’t used in a while. From memory though, it felt like it would suit Petra better than it did you. “Take a seat wherever, this might take a moment.”
Petra sat down on the edge of your bed. The ceiling of your room sloped with the shape of the roof and your windows cut through the edges of that slant to look out into the rest of the neighbourhood. You had posters, pictures, and letters stuck to the wall. It was hard to feel like she wasn’t intruding, but her eyes couldn’t help but sweep over your room and take in your life’s details. Some pictures were with a woman whom she guessed was your mother, others were with friends whose names she didn’t know.
But most of them, most of them, were with Levi and Erwin. They spanned across time. Some were so old that—
“Were you taller than Erwin?” Petra exclaimed, standing up to get a better look at this one particular photo stuck on the side of your wardrobe. It was one amongst many, but the way this photo was positioned with a larger barrier around it from the other pictures was what drew Petra to it: it looked important.
“Oh,” you laughed, looking up from your search at your desk to follow Petra’s gaze. “Yeah, that was near the very, very beginning. I was the tallest one for a few months before they started to catch up. Puberty's a bitch."
“Well,” Petra laughed, looking back at you. “I think one caught up to you a little more than the other.” She looked back at the picture with a kind of wonder. It seemed to be a photo taken from just a phone: you, Levi, and Erwin, all in uniform, sitting on the bus with sunlight pouring in from the window beside Levi. You were holding the camera above the boys from where you sat in the middle to capture the three of you, your smile sheepish but still bright. Erwin had a very straight bowl cut at the time, and he looked past his bangs to smile up at the camera, too, all toothy and unabashed.
And then there was Levi, who looked like he had just turned his head and realised what you were doing. His eyes were a little wide. There, they seemed to bulge against the quite skeletal frame of his face.
Petra didn’t know if she should ask. “He looks really thin in that.”
You paused in your search, which had migrated to the bottom drawer of your dresser. “Yeah.” Your lips went dry, and your words even drier. “Yeah, he looks better now, doesn’t he?”
When you looked down, the lip gloss was at the top of the makeup bag you were searching through. Pristine, barely used. “Found it,” you said, grateful for the easy turn of subject. You met Petra as she returned to the edge of your bed. “It doesn’t really fit my kind of look. I think it’s a complexion issue. If you like it, feel free to take it.”
Petra nodded and accepted the item in her hands. She didn’t move immediately to the mirror on your desk to try it out, however. “I knew the three of you were close, but I didn’t realise how close you were.”
Your hands fell to your lap. “I guess it’s hard to quantify it to other people. I would call them my brothers because maybe that would help contextualise it, how close we are, but it never really felt like that, you know?” You ran your thumb down the grain of your pants. “They’ve always just been my best friends. They’re my boys.”
Petra’s face was warm under the orange light of your bedside lamp, but even more so, her eyes were catching the light like ambers. With the way she had them downcast, it was like you could see through her pupils as she sunk into deep thought.
“You know, Levi isn’t anything like what Eld and Oluo told me.”
“Oh yeah?”
“I mean, I knew that that would be the case anyway, just because each of their versions was so different from each other.” Petra let out a quiet huff. “Eld says he’s just there. He’s quiet and keeps his head down and doesn’t really talk to anybody except Hange and Moblit. Oluo, on the other hand, I think, has an actual crush on him. He’s always talking about how Levi was the student on the course, the guy who gets the highest grades, the guy professors ask to help other students. ‘Getting grouped with Levi is a surefire way to get high grades’ and ‘people on this course should take a page from his book, and maybe we wouldn’t have such a shit pass/fail rate.’” Petra was muttering under her breath now, mocking Oluo’s words by speaking them in a different pitch, but it was clearly without actual venom.
“And?” you prompted. “Now that you’ve met him, what do you think?”
Petra fiddled with the bottle of lip gloss, fingers following the smooth cylinder up and down. “I think he’s a bit intimidating, yeah, but he seems like a good person. He clearly picks his people very carefully.”
You didn’t disagree with that at all. It was rare for someone to tell you that they had an actively positive first impression of Levi. You were more used to explaining to people that he was just a bit rough around the edges and that he meant well. It was rare, but of course, Petra of all people would understand. Petra was the kind of person who just understood people. It honestly baffled you that guys weren’t throwing themselves at her—
“Has he ever had a girlfriend?”
You looked up at the same time from your thoughts as Petra did, as if both of you were equally surprised by the question that came out.
“Sorry,” she said quickly. “I was just thinking out loud. Because he’s so guarded, you know? Except around his friends, I guess. I can’t imagine him… well, yeah. I was just curious. Especially because with him and Hange—”
A bark of laughter escaped you. “Him and Hange?!”
“Y— Yeah? A lot of people think that they’re together or at least, you know, that something is going on there.”
You didn’t want to laugh in her face at that, it felt rude, but oh, you could not help it, not when—
You would think Four-eyes would be able to see how hopelessly fucked Moblit is for them. Maybe they need another pair of glasses, one that isn’t so covered in their own bullshit.
You shook your head, a smattering of thoughts and jokes passing through your mind all at once as you recalled how Levi had spoken about the situation over the past few years.
Kinda feel bad for the guy. Hange isn’t ever gonna reciprocate. Pretty sure they’re asexual.
It was on your tongue then, and it returned to haunt your tongue now. Maybe Hange didn’t feel anything for Moblit, or maybe they were just a little bit oblivious. Maybe they didn’t know how to express it. Wasn’t that you? You knew he wasn’t asexual, at least you were about ninety-five percent sure, but he still had yet to show interest in sex and romance, even now, even after he had graduated high school, even after his mother had already…
“Sorry,” Petra breathed out, clearly noticing your mind going away. “I wasn’t trying to dig for gossip.”
“No, it’s fine,” you said, blinking away the tinge of melancholy that was threatening to take hold of you. “I don’t think I should say too much about Levi’s life, but I can tell you definitively that there’s nothing between him and Hange.”
You watched Petra let out a breath at that.
And you noticed it.
“Oh okay then,” she whispered. She stood up before you could catch too much of a glance, but there was a small smile ghosting the corner of her lips as she made her way to your desk with the lip gloss, and you noticed. She was relieved. Why was she relieved?
Oh.
Oh.
There it was. Petra was putting your lip gloss on, and it suited her just as you expected. But Petra was beautiful. She always had been. For a moment, you could see her sat at this desk, doing her makeup in your seat, in your room, before a night out. She could. She could.
She was beautiful and kind, and she saw that he was good.
Oh. Your stomach knotted in all sorts of ways.
Did she know that if she just reached to the left of her for that small wooden box beside your Shakespeares, she would find your piece of the whole? Your heart was five inches from the mirror, that fragment that could be made whole, and she was beautiful in your pink.
If it had been her and not you all those years ago, would Levi be in here now, kissing the excess off her corners?
“Keep it,” you whispered. “It suits you better.”
*
By midnight, people were gathering their things to leave towards the nearest station for the last train. Petra’s woolly coat tickled your nose as you hugged her goodbye. The contact made you ache. You were making a decision then. When she pulled back and looked up at you with a glossy-lipped smile, you decided that this was worth doing. You’ll help her. You’ll give her the best chance she can have to catch up to the many years you and Erwin had on her. You’ll help her get in.
“Text me when you get back,” you said to her.
Your mind was already swirling with ideas. Maybe you’ll run it by Erwin, too, just to ensure that this will all work.
Petra left with the others. And just like that, the world was returning to the three of you. A kind of sigh, which came from the house itself, followed the last person out, and then the place fell back to a familiar, good kind of quiet. Levi got to his feet, and you didn’t have to follow him to know that the sharp clicks of cutlery and plates that came moments afterwards were from his gathering hands.
Erwin was sitting on the armrest of the couch, a wistful look in his eyes as he looked towards the back garden. There was something in that blue that looked like introspection, like you could see that he was seeing outside his body, reflecting.
“Hey,” you said softly. “What are you thinking about?”
Erwin blinked out of it and smiled a thin smile. “It’s nothing.”
“Yeah?” You raised a brow. “You sure?”
Erwin seemed to consider something then, before he offered with a kind of heaviness in his voice, “Let’s get some air.”
The request struck you as strange, but you nodded anyway and followed him through. You passed by Levi as he was rolling his sleeves up high by the sink. If this was anybody else, you would say something like ‘you sure you don’t want any help?’ but you knew this was his work. This was his version of dinner, his version of music, the act that he gave. He’ll hide it behind some complaint that you didn’t dry the glasses properly and that Erwin was slow and inefficient. That wasn’t it, and all three of you knew that.
Erwin slid the door open and let you through first. Once more, the autumnal air nipped at your cheeks. The two of you sat down on the patio. Without daylight, the back garden was too dark. The kitchen light could only reach so far.
You thought about how you would say it. Erwin, I want your thoughts on something, you’ll start. I think Petra might have a crush on Levi, and Petra is really nice. She’s the kind of girl who would understand him, be patient, and be loving. What do you think? How would you go about setting them up?
“For my birthday.” Erwin’s voice found its way above your thoughts. Soft, but assured. “May I ask for one more gift?”
There was a sincerity in his words that twisted your heart all strange and left your mind momentarily empty of schemes. Downcast eyes and an almost sheepish look on his face.
“What is it?” you asked.
Erwin reached forward then and clasped a hand around yours where it rested by the wrist on your knee. In this autumnal evening, his hand was endlessly warm and all-enveloping.
“I’d like to have your honesty. For a moment.”
“My honesty?”
You looked up and his eyes were wide with a kind of hope.
“My honesty,” you echoed again. “About what?”
“Yourself,” he said. “I’d like some honesty about yourself.”
You followed his gaze through the sliding doors towards a figure you could not see from this position. But the lights were on, and the sink was running, so he must still be working diligently at the dishes.
“Where does your heart go when you think of him?”
Oh.
It was like stones filled your stomach at those words. You thought of Petra. You thought of Levi. Stones. Ache. Pieces.
When you glanced back at Erwin, he was already looking at you with those piercing blue eyes. Too knowing. Erwin was too knowing. Oh, you knew he knew. The two of you had just been lying to each other for years, avoiding the topic like it was a dormant thing. Never at risk of eruption. Why was he trying to stoke the flames of it now?
“I…”
His hand held onto yours a little tighter, as if trying to press bravery into you, instill the courage necessary to speak.
You could only manage a weak deflection. “What do you mean by that?”
“I mean it like… that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Erwin said, not letting go of your hand. “It comes with the birthday, I think, or maybe the start of this academic year, and how fast it’s all been happening.”
You swallowed the thought— the thought of graduation, of the end of your academic career and all that will come with it— and washed it down with Erwin’s reflective tone. “Oh yeah?”
“Yes. I’ve been thinking…” His thumb ran down the valleys and hills of your knuckles. “I’ve watched it for years, you realise. For so many years now, I have not said anything.”
Your heart throbbed painfully inside your chest.
You looked back to the kitchen so that you would not see the illusion shattering between the two of you, the illusion that none of this was happening, and that Erwin didn’t know.
You imagined to yourself what Levi was doing now. Could he know? Could he feel it in the air that you and Erwin were talking about him? Could he know what you wanted to do with him and Petra?
Erwin didn’t need to pay even a dot of attention to know what you were seeking. You always had that instinct, though you hid it well from most other people, of seeking out Levi in a room, no matter what. It was one of the many reasons why Erwin needed to speak to you.
He squeezed your hand again.
“I understand why you have avoided the topic. I do not fault you or have any judgments.”
“Erwin…” Stop. Please. Don’t say it.
“But I need to know that you, at the very least,” and his voice dropped into a severe firmness, “know in your heart how you feel.” His fingers slid down to wrap around the very tips of yours. “I need to know if you can be honest with yourself.”
His words were like physical weights, and your gaze was a prisoner to his as it drew you back. That familiar vortex of blue. How it frightened you, what those eyes could see.
“I don’t know,” you whispered. “I don’t know what being honest about this would look like. I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
His gaze softened, his brows furrowed with a quiet sadness, and you felt this deep gutted feeling. Was he disappointed in that answer?
“I see.”
“All of it is too complicated. Too much,” you found yourself continuing, that deflated tone of his spurring on a need to fix this. Maybe there was something you could say that would explain yourself and not brand you as the coward that you knew you were. “There’s just too much between us three. Any feelings that I might have, Erwin, I just know that it can’t be pursued. It’s too messy. I… I love you two too much. This—” this friendship, this house, this life, “—means everything to me. I couldn’t. I’d be blowing up this whole world of ours for nothing but a selfish curiosity. I just can’t do that.”
Erwin looked at you then with a kind of conflict in his eyes that you did not understand. It looked like pity to you. Like he pitied your ignorance or cowardice.
Or maybe— it was empathy?
He said your name then, and you felt in your stomach how you longed for him to tell you what to do. It was a childish instinct, but Erwin had always been the person with the good advice, the plans, the one with steady hands. You wanted his advice on Petra, but maybe the advice you really needed was about yourself.
“There is nothing wrong with seeking answers,” he said, voice warm but hard in conviction. “It’s within your right to want to ask. Tell me that you know that.”
You grimaced. You couldn’t lie to him. This never felt like something you deserved. Levi was the one thing you always felt was out of reach, the one thing you had never held ambition for, not even in asking the question.
“This world of ours won’t look like this forever,” Erwin continued. “Lives change. We get older.”
“Yeah, I know,” you said, voice muddled with conflict, “but we’ll be alright, won’t we? We’ll stay together.”
“I hope we do,” Erwin said, though something in his eyes told you he had his doubts. “But friends grow apart for so many reasons. We get careers of our own. Families.”
“I know that, but…” You tucked your lip beneath your teeth. This was never something you truly thought about. For whatever reason, it felt impossible to you that petty things such as families or careers would break the bond each of you had with each other. Your lives have always been intertwined, ever since the three of you met.
“We’ll be okay,” you said. “We’ve always been okay. We’ve survived so much.”
Quietly, Erwin spoke. “Or is it that you think he’ll always be yours?”
Your attention snapped. “What?”
The quiet firmness in his voice. There was intensity in his eyes now. Pressure, growing. Beam lights and dogs on a search. “You think that he’ll always be like this, accessible to only us. Am I correct? So what do you think will happen when he finally decides to venture out, away from us? When he starts to work? When he moves out?” Erwin’s hold on you was all-consuming now; no hands forcing you still, his touch on you still filled with love, but you couldn’t move, couldn’t look away. “Are you hoping that nobody will see him as we do? That nobody will appreciate him or desire him, so that he can continue being ours?”
You found yourself shaking your head with wide eyes. “No. That’s not what I—”
“Or are you hoping that he will reject others’ advances? That his unsociable and guarded nature will be his downfall, but we’ll be in that pit of darkness to lick his wounds every time he falls?”
“Erwin.” You didn’t realise it until it was too late, but his name came out in a plea and your eyes felt unreasonably hot against the evening chill. “Please. Stop. I never meant it like that.”
Erwin paused for a moment before a small breath left him, and his shoulders sagged. He lifted your hand in his and pressed it to his cheeks.
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be cruel.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
A low breath passed. It was another moment before you could manage to gather your thoughts after the barrage of those deep-seated questions that you truly did not know the answers to.
But you had at least something to try to prove your innocence with. “I don’t know if you saw, but Petra seems to have a thing for him.”
“Yes,” he said, shifting. “I was wondering about that.”
“She’s not said it outright, but I can feel it. It’s obvious to me that there’s something there.”
Erwin continued to caress your hand to his face. “Is this something you’ve been considering? Levi and Petra?”
“Not until today,” you muttered. “But there’s something there, and I think it’s worth considering, isn’t it? Petra is a good person. He needs somebody like that.” You took a pause to think of how to word this. “For the things we can’t do for him.”
Erwin really took you in then, your words and your voice and that sad, little expression on your face. He knew exactly what you were talking about, the elephant in the room. Levi wasn’t some sexless, loveless being. He had needs, but those needs weren’t ones that could easily be fulfilled with his kind of personality and studious lifestyle. Erwin was similar, but at least he had a girlfriend in high school. At least he knew that if it was something he really wanted to pursue, he could. Levi was…
Erwin felt his own reprimand coming at himself. He was doing exactly what he had described just moments ago— being presumptuous on the idea that Levi couldn’t find someone if he wanted to, and that he couldn’t venture out to the world without the two of you.
But he knew what you were talking about and was seeing the strange mirror-held-to-mirror paradoxical infinity.
“We shouldn’t make decisions for him,” Erwin said, voice muddled with conflict.
“No,” you agreed, “but you understand what I’m saying, right? I’m not trying to horde him for ourselves. If anything, I want him… to find love. Levi deserves to experience that kind of love, and I know he’s not going to make a move unless we— or I— help him.”
Erwin let out a quiet breath. Oh, if only you could see what he saw. He couldn’t be the one to tell you, you’ll never understand until you discover it for yourself, but he saw the answer right before his eyes. He was sure it was what you saw in Petra.
He couldn’t tell Levi either, what you’ve just confessed, and that had been his life for years, this impossible coupling of conditions.
No, you needed to find this out for yourself. It was the only way forward for both you and Erwin.
“You’re suggesting we set him up with Petra.”
“Yes,” you whispered, before you could doubt yourself. “Or at least, try. At least let him see what’s possible.”
Let him see what’s possible. Yes, that was what Erwin needed to do for you. He needed you to see. He needed you to know, by virtue of Levi proving to you and Erwin, that you were the inevitability, not Petra or anybody else. Perhaps then, Erwin could finally find some peace, and his wish, his wish of many years, could come true.
This was a gamble.
Erwin wondered if deep down, you were betting on the same result as him.
He opened his mouth, and so did the patio doors open behind him then, and before either of you had the time to pull away from each other, you heard—
“Hey.”
A sound whipping through the air, and then a dull thwack. A towel now covered half of Erwin’s face.
“If you plan to woo her, take it to your room, birthday boy.”
You tore your hand out of Erwin’s grip so fast you could’ve taken some extra fingers with you.
“It’s not—!“
“I didn’t clean the kitchen just to turn around and see you dirtying the patio.”
Erwin’s laugh came out in rich huffs as he removed the towel with his newly freed hand. The intensity and conflict that was swirling in him but a moment ago was gone, replaced by a warm endearment in his eyes.
“God forbid a man expresses some physical affection to a friend.” Erwin stood up to meet the gaze of Levi where he was, arms crossed and back leaning on the open door frame.
Levi couldn’t help but scowl a little as Erwin did that, rising in height until the bastard was looking down at him, really down. “Is that what you’re calling it?”
“Hm.” Erwin folded the towel in his hands. “Sounds like someone’s jealous.”
“Tch. What the hell is wrong with you?”
Levi’s body pushed itself off and out of its lean. As he skulked away, walking past the now immaculate kitchen— sparkling counters, put away pots, pearl white dishes drying on racks— his ears caught under the overhead lights.
Erwin could see the blush of pink at the tips of his ears. He was so obvious. If only you could see it.
When he glanced back at you, he was met with hopeful eyes, eyes belonging to someone who was at the end of their rope, too, whether you knew it or not.
Things were going to change. That was the fact of life. He could only try and hope that it could change for the better this way.
“I’ll help you with this,” Erwin said. “I’ll talk to Levi and see what I can glean, and you’ll foster more opportunities for the two to meet. But,” he said your name then, so soft that you could mistake it for a plea, “I need you to understand that I’m encouraging this as a search for answers. Levi will find his truth in the process, too, and if things turn out the way I believe they will, the question will come back to you.”
Erwin took a step closer.
“When that comes, don’t wait to make your decision,” he said. His body was haloed by the kitchen light, by your home. It was warmth and warning in his voice that made your chest so tight. “I’m saying this out of love. I’d hate to see the two of you be so… short-sighted to the very end. Inaction is just as selfish as curiosity. Promise me that you’ll choose the truth, whatever that may be.”
You couldn’t stop looking up at him, despite it all. Oh, you always did.
Eventually, a sigh left you. “You get so preachy sometimes, you know that?”
Erwin smiled and reached a hand out towards you. As your hand slid into his, he knew the promise you were making in exchange for his help. “And you always hear me out like it’s a Sunday.”
*
In your bedroom, by the light of your bedside lamp, you were in the process of undressing for bed as you responded to Petra.
of course! I’m glad you had fun :D great to have you over
Your thumb hovered over your phone in indecision. You shouldn’t rush this. It’ll do you no good to be too forward.
see you on tuesday :p don’t leave me to fight the fight alone
Mind still swirling with plans. On auto, you opened your dating app and saw the three new messages you hadn’t responded to yet. Two of them came from people you were likely to gently reject soon. The third came earlier this evening and was the one you opened.
From Zeke: hope your evening’s going well darling x
hi yeah it was nice :) celebrated my flatmate’s birthday, how was your day?
Zeke was a new addition to your life. It was uncomplicated fun. Last week, you went on a date with him— museum, good for conversation— and then promptly got to fucking that very evening.
The talk you just had with Erwin was now giving that memory a new coat of guilt. Fuck.
Zeke texted back a minute later. it was fine, made some good headway on my paper x
You cleaned your face of your makeup. we’re still good for this weekend?
of course x
Your hand, somewhere along the way of discarding a cotton pad, found its place atop your small wooden chest. It was the size of your palm. The piece inside, even smaller. The thought of the bowling and drinks awaiting you was supplanted by the press of an ammonite piece in your palm.
The coil at the centre of the piece rubbed along your fingerprint like a copy. You replied to Zeke with something, something like flirting, but you were feeling the septa of the old creature under your thumb, and you thought of Erwin’s words. Lives change. Friends grow apart for so many reasons. The question will come back to you. Don’t wait.
Could you bear this responsibility? Holding the fate of all these people in your hands, could you be trusted not to crush it?
The ammonite was in three, and you had always felt undeserving to be its centre.
*
Levi laid in his bed that night with nothing but citylight to illuminate his room. His room was sparse. There was never anything to look at except his own thoughts. In his hand, he held something small, turning it over and over with a pincer grip. Once upon a time, he sat atop crates in a back alleyway with a knife like this, waiting. His hand was barely the size to hold a handle back then.
Now, the ammonite was the sharpness he caressed. His piece of the puzzle was the tail end of the shell. Along that edge, his thumb grinded along the fossil’s ridges to feel it like a reminder.
It was stupid. What was he holding this in his hand for?
The sentiment swirled in his chest. It was an old ache. Why did he fidget with this small, dead, forgotten thing whenever he was feeling this way? This way. Fuck, what even was that?
A few minutes ago, Levi heard the creaks and groans of the stairwell as the two of you made your ascent. Erwin’s footsteps were heavier than yours, and yours went up much further, to the third floor.
A few minutes ago, he felt Erwin walk from the stairwell down the hallway, and then, he stopped. Erwin stopped in front of Levi’s door, and he lingered there for too long for it to be nothing.
What was Erwin doing to him? When Levi closed his eyes, he felt something sharp and it wasn’t the ammonite; it was in his lungs, in his guts. The image of your hand caressed to Erwin’s face by the man’s own palm was pressed to the back of Levi’s eyelids. The taunt Erwin made, that he sounded jealous, echoed in his head like a shitty record stuck on repeat.
Damn it. For the few seconds Erwin stood outside of his door, Levi wanted to get up, open the door, and ask him, When the fuck are you going to tell her?
How many years had Levi watched you and Erwin circle around each other? It was beginning to feel cruel. Get it over with, you coward, he wanted to tell him. You’re twenty-one now, grow a fucking spine.
But Levi was in his bed with a hand closed around a damn fossil, so who was he to say shit? No, he and Erwin were the fucking same, and there was no honesty to be found anywhere in this house.
*
Erwin shut the door to his room, the last to retire properly. With a delicate touch, he set your birthday card by the wall against his desk, your words propped up and just about visible.
I love you, Erwin. Ever yours, and then your name. He loved seeing your name on something that was now his.
Transitive property. But Erwin knew it meant nothing. Just like your words, ‘I love you,’ he had it in his possession but it couldn’t truly be his.
This was all inevitable. Erwin had watched it for so many years: so many conversations where you had practically admitted it to him, so many moments Levi let slip.
He was just now finally finding the courage to posit the question to the universe, to his world, to you. He’ll put it in your hands.
Inside his dresser was a small box, and inside that box was a pouch that once held a gift from a relative, some expensive bracelet that he regifted to you without saying much of it, because he knew it would suit you better. The pouch now opened to the top of an ammonite, and he brought it with him to his bed. Sat by the edge, he nursed the fossil between his fingertips.
Things will change. Nothing stayed whole forever. The proof was in his hand.