Chapter Text
The idea has been playing on Felix’s mind for a while now.
Hyunjin’s arms are wrapped around Felix’s middle, his heat burning into the back of Felix’s neck. One of his rare, touchy moods. Felix has been taking through it for nearly an hour.
“-I’m sure I’ll get it if I keep practicing. I’ve always wanted to improve my vocal, you know, outside of my deep voice. Sometime, I wanna release a song where I go into falsetto.”
Felix breaks off for breath. Hyunjin’s eyes are on him- sharp, fast, the kind of look that usually lands a camera lens. The attention unnerves him sometimes. How Felix could talk forever under it, if he let himself, and Hyunjin would probably let him, too.
And isn’t that the point? The easy warmth, the way Hyunjin lets him in where he lets no one else. The question sitting on Felix’s tongue for weeks, and every time he’s talked himself out of it. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong thing to say.
“I wish you didn’t let me talk so long.” Felix tips his head back, watching Hyunjin’s gaze flick away. Hyunjin famously dislikes touch, except in select circumstances, with select people. And even though Hyunjin has let Felix get as close as he can without crawling inside him, eye contact has always been the last wall. “I feel bad.”
Hyunjin blinks. “No, I don’t mind.” He presses their palms together, curling his fingertips to cover Felix’s. A clear size difference. Hyunjin’s snickering even before Felix snatches it back.
He takes a breath. Another. The question presses against his teeth. “Hey, Hyunjin-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you sleep with people?”
Something that is important to Felix is openness. It’s just Hyunjin, he tells himself. And isn’t that the point?
Hyunjin stares, dumbfounded, then lets out a sharp laugh. “Do I?”
Felix sighs. “I mean, have you?”
Hyunjin wrinkles his nose. Sniffs, a little haughty. “Of course I have. What do you want to know?” His tone takes on the teasing edge he uses for Stay, and Jisung at his worst. “Am I good at it?”
Felix raises his eyebrows, questioning. “Are you?”
Hyunjin scoffs but takes it in stride. “Am I?” he parrots.
Felix presses his lips together to avoid making a face. “I hate it when you do that.”
“And I love it when you’re annoyed.” Hyunjin’s arms move from his middle to wrap around his shoulders, nudging Felix’s head back, into his neck. Felix fixates on his arms. Lean muscle, sharper than it was even a few months ago, like skin over ice.
“Wow, Jinnie.” Felix presses his fingers curiously into Hyunjin’s upper arm, testing the give. He grins admiringly. Hyunjin makes a sound like he’s been punched. “You’re so strong. You’ve been working out so much lately.”
Hyunjin scoffs, edged with pride. “You say that about everyone. You’re a sucker for muscles. So greedy, Lix.” He shudders when Felix trails his fingers further up his skin. “Yongbok. Let me- let me just-”
He pushes Felix’s hand gently. Felix makes a sad noise but lets go. “Did you know that Lino-hyung and Hannie are sleeping together?”
Hyunjin’s smirking again. “You really can’t keep secrets, Lix.”
Felix’s eyes widen. “You- you didn’t already know?”
“I did,” Hyunjin snorts. “I’m just surprised it took you up until now.”
Felix gasps and shoves him. “You knew and you didn’t tell me?”
Hyunjin shrugs, and brushes Felix’s head with his fingertips, like consolation. “I guess they’re in love, then.” Hyunjin doesn’t sound like he’s asking.
Felix answers anyway. “Maybe they aren’t.” He twists around, pulling out a protesting sigh, but Felix likes being face to face. “You don’t have to be in love to have sex.” Hyunjin presses his lips together. “And the contract. Other people are too risky, even idols.” Felix hesitates before barrelling on. “Except for group members.”
“Really?” Hyunjin’s voice is guarded. “Why Minho, then?”
“Jisung’s impatient, you know?” Felix raises his eyebrows for emphasis. “I think he wanted Minho-hyung to be first. He has a lot of experience, and they’re so close.”
Hyunjin is silent for a moment. His expression is careful. “Why are you saying this?”
Felix smiles carefully. “I was just wondering. Because, we’ll be together for a long time, yeah? I want to try too.”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows shoot up. “With Minho?” Sharp. “He’s not right for you, Lix. He and Jisung may not be together, but they’ve never been nothing. And-” Hyunjin falters. “And- Minho’s dorm is cold-”
“What?” Felix laughs. “Hyunjin, I was asking you.”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows shoot up. Felix bites back a laugh and braces his hands on Hyunjin’s shoulders, waiting for the eyeroll, the comeback, the rib Hyunjin always has on his tongue.
Hyunjin just stares.
Thunderstruck. Stunned in the way that Felix had only seen once before- when Felix was cut from the debut lineup. Hyunjin looks like that. Like he’s been slapped, like the ground has blown out from under his feet.
And Hyunjin isn’t deflecting, isn’t volleying back, he’s just looking at Felix like he’s said something world-ending- and Felix gets it. He does get it. He just wishes it could’ve been anyone else.
Felix laughs to break the silence. Waves his hands, cutting off Hyunjin’s stare. “Never mind. Let’s talk, yeah? What anime have you been watching lately? I think I heard you mention it to Jisung earlier.”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows draw together. “Haikyuu.” Then, “I thought you were just into girls.” His voice is strangely tight. “Are you still?”
Felix looks at his hands. “I think so?” His voice lilts up at the end- unintentionally hesitant. He does want to be fully honest, and the truth is that he’s never seen men that way. “Yes, I meant. It’s just- you know?” Felix flushes.
“Why?”
Felix stares at him, trying to figure out the question. Hyunjin glances away before they make eye contact, and Felix gets the idea that he will let it go unanswered if Felix does, too.
Felix presses his thumbs into Hyunjin’s shoulders anyway. Needy, insistent. It has always been so important to him to know what Hyunjin is thinking. “Why what?”
Hyunjin blows out all the air in his cheeks. His expression is wary. “Why me?”
Felix isn’t gay. He hasn’t had much chance at exploration, but he’s sure that he would know after four years in a group with seven, very handsome, very accessible men. But- theoretically- Felix knows Hyunjin is into both men and women, like how Minho is exclusively into men.
Again, theoretically: Hyunjin excels at everything he puts effort into. He would make it good. He would make Felix feel safe.
Further than that, it’s not really something he can say out loud.
Hyunjin is the person Felix will reach out to if the whole world is drowning. Ridiculously gentle. Unapologetically haughty. Sharp, aloof, but sparingly warm. Hyunjin has always been warm to Felix.
For the longest time, Felix thought of Hyunjin as another reason to live, to the point where he sometimes needed to stop and calm down. Because Hyunjin has always been that. Someone he can think too seriously about.
Instead, Felix says, “I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.”
Hyunjin goes silent again.
Felix itches to move. Take Hyunjin’s fingers and lace them properly. Pull faces until Hyunjin is choking out crazy, startled laughter. It feels like the worst thing in the world to be doing nothing.
“Do you bottom?” Hyunjin asks finally. Felix nods before he can stress about it. “How do you like it? What- prompted this?” Hyunjin’s eyes widen. “Oh, god. Felix. Are you a virgin?”
Felix flushes, clamping his hands between his legs defiantly. “You don’t want to sleep with me if I’m a virgin?”
Hyunjin keeps staring, waiting for an answer. Felix nods.
“Oh my god.” Hyunjin throws his head back, staring at the ceiling. The long line of his neck gleams pale in the dorm lights. Felix stares. Waits again.
He might still be a virgin at twenty-two. How is it fair? It isn’t. Felix knows there are some idols that go out and have sex. Not with people in their group, or other idols at all. There are services the company provides- it’s safer to be open, they’re only human after all.
Felix isn’t gay. He probably should’ve gone that route.
But how could he? Book an appointment with a stranger, when Hyunjin existed? Hyunjin, who lives a dorm away, lets him eat first, treats him so gently? Hyunjin, who always lets him in?
And Felix loves Hyunjin. Not in that way, but enough to bridge the gap.
“Okay, then.”
“What?”
“I mean okay.” Hyunjin’s voice is sharp, his expression pinching right after. Hyunjin rarely means the worst of what he says. “For you. Okay, I’ll do it.”
Felix gasps. Flings his arms around Hyunjin, piling all his weight onto him, before burying his face in his shoulder. Hyunjin hisses at the added pressure, but his arm clamps around Felix’s back to drag him nearer. “Really?” Felix pulls back quickly to see his reaction. “You mean it? Hyunjin.”
“God- don’t be so-” Hyunjin huffs out a breath. “You knew I’d say yes- don’t act so surprised.”
“I didn’t know.” Felix presses his thumbs into the space under Hyunjin’s eyes, covering the mole underneath his left. Hyunjin twitches, blinks. His eyelash brushes Felix’s fingertip. “How could I?”
“You know.” Hyunjin’s voice is agitated. “I can’t ever say no to you.”
-
Hyunjin becomes careful with him.
That’s what Felix notices first- not the smirking during lives, the way Hyunjin appears with water before Felix even realises he’s thirsty. It’s the gentleness. Hyunjin is always secretly considerate, but most of the time it takes form as something that looks like coldness.
Hyunjin says he wants to pick the time. To make sure Felix is ready. To make sure Felix is sure, even though he would never ask if it wasn’t.
After a week, Felix stops wondering and starts waiting.
He doesn’t mean to, it just happens. When Changbin stays late at the studio, Felix finds himself outside Hyunjin’s dorm, and Hyunjin always lets him in. Felix opens his mouth, and Hyunjin always feeds him. They watch anime in silence, shoulders touching, and Felix thinks, This is enough. This is good.
It’s not enough. It’s good, but it’s not enough. It’s Felix’s nature. He’s always ached for more.
Felix wonders if it’s regret, all the nothing, all the not enough, but then Hyunjin laughs after Felix spills jjajangmyeon down his chin, and Felix finds it hard to believe. Probably not regret, he thinks. Probably just Hyunjin.
He keeps waiting.
-
Hyunjin asks him one night, lounging on Felix’s bed, still breathless with laughter.
“Do you still want to?” Hyunjin asks. “Tonight?”
And Felix hadn’t imagined that far, not past the asking. Had gone in with a feeling, not a plan. The feeling that it had to be Hyunjin. The feeling that if he didn’t ask, he wouldn’t at all.
He knows the answer, all the same.
“Please.”
“Lix,” Hyunjin says. Felix glances over in time to see a bottle fly towards him. He catches it, startled, and turns it over.
It’s lube.
“Go to the bathroom.” Hyunjin isn’t looking at Felix directly, but is eyeing the cabinet. His expression is closed. “Clean up, okay? And just… be careful. See how many fingers you can take.”
Felix stares at the bottle, stunned. It’s opened, half-full. “Hyunjinnie… I haven’t…”
“I’m going to open you up anyway.” Hyunjin says it with all the gentleness of a poet, a true romantic. “I just want you to try first. You’ll be more comfortable with this if you’re clean, and if you’ve had a chance to prep.”
Felix blows out the air in his mouth. “Okay.” Suddenly, crazily, he wants to ask Hyunjin to go in with him. He knows some of their members do shower together- most of the time it’s just that, nothing more. It’s fun, light, everyone loves touch.
Felix loves touch, but he loves Hyunjin more.
Felix goes to the bathroom. Showers, taking care to scrub every part of himself clean. He attempts, under cover of heated water and floral-scented soap, to push a finger inside himself, but his body rejects it so violently that he curls up in the steam, gasping.
He finishes up quickly, drying his hair and tying it back with elastic. Wrapping a towel around his waist. Felix hesitates then. Should he put his dirty clothes back on, or walk out in the towel? He doesn’t know what Hyunjin wants, or what he’s expecting.
Felix’s solution to things in general to not think about them too much. Leaving the clothes in the washbasket, he braces for the rush of cold air before opening the door.
Felix only has time to register the face- dark hair, darker eyes- before Hyunjin reaches behind his head, yanking the door shut. Then, hands on his shoulders, walking him backwards until his spine presses into the wood.
Felix stares up, eyes wide, and Hyunjin kisses him.
Slow and sweet. So hungry that Felix loses his breath. Felix opens his mouth on a gasp and Hyunjin presses another chaste kiss there before crossing the gap to taste. His mouth is unbearably familiar. Hot enough to burn into Felix’s skin and stay there, forever.
Felix has never kissed a girl before. Hyunjin is probably better than most girls. Felix can get used to this.
More than used to it.
Felix can get drunk on him, he’s sure. If he has enough time, if he has a good enough taste. Maybe he’ll come apart on it someday, and all he’ll be able to think is Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin.
“Hyunjin.” He can’t say anything else. “Hyunjin.”
Hyunjin kisses his name off Felix’s lips. One of his hands curls round the back of his head, and he tugs on Felix’s hair, laughing when he jerks. “Cute, aegi.”
“Don’t.” Felix wraps his arms around Hyunjin’s neck, tugging until Hyunjin relents and presses his lips to Felix’s, sweet. He kisses like he’s loved a thousand times.
Felix clutches Hyunjin’s shoulders, knees buckling. He sucks in a sharp breath as Hyunjin’s hands find the back of his thighs, dizzy even before he is lifted up. Felix hooks his legs around his back, nails digging into his shoulders. It must hurt, but Hyunjin doesn’t say anything.
“So strong,” Felix murmurs. “I’m kind of heavy.”
Hyunjin sighs against Felix’s collarbone. Kissing up his jaw, until he reaches his lips again. “You need to be taken care of,” Hyunjin says finally.
Felix’s world tips, swoops again when Hyunjin starts to move. He clutches harder, presses his lips into Hyunjin’s shoulder, over his T-shirt. Digs his heels into his back to stay up. It doesn’t mean anything, because Hyunjin is already pushing him down, onto the bed.
The mattress is cool against his beck, his own damp hair sticking against his neck. Hyunjin leans over him as he hooks his fingers into the towel, pulling it open. Felix can feel Hyunjin’s cock, pressed, hot, into his leg. All for me? Felix’s throat seizes up before he can ask.
All for me?
Hyunjin suddenly wraps his fist around Felix, dragging out a sharp gasp. Hyunjin smirks and doesn’t pause. His hand moves in a slow stroke, finishing at the tip, before he presses his thumb gently against the slit. Felix lets out a startled moan.
“Hyunjin.” His fingers scrabble uselessly at Hyunjin’s wrists.
Hyunjin hums in answer. “Cute.” He sounds almost awed. Another stroke, making Felix jerk and whine. “You’re so noisy, Lix. I knew you’d be.”
“No- no you didn’t.” Felix clenches his teeth, but a strangled gasp escapes as Hyunjin’s fingers brush against the underside of the head. He stares, stunned. “Jinnie.”
“Lix,” Hyunjin says again, like it’s a sentence.
“Hyunjinnie.” Felix flinches, mortified, as a spurt of precum drips down the head. Hyunjin smiles and presses his thumb against it, coaxing out more. “Hyunjin, you’re doing this on purpose.”
Hyunjin raises an eyebrow. “Doing what?”
Felix grits his teeth. “Embarrassing me.”
“Embarrassing you? Would you like me to stop?” Hyunjin’s hand shifts back- maybe nothing, maybe everything- and Felix panics, hands flying to Hyunjin’s shoulders to clamp him in place. He screws his eyes shut, burning all over. “Oh, aegi,” Hyunjin laughs.
Felix glares at him through tears. “Maniac.”
Hyunjin brings his other hand up, brushing the space under Felix’s eyes. The hand still wrapped around Felix’s cock flexes slightly, making him hiss, prickling all over.
There are still times when Felix looks at Hyunjin and has to stop for a minute, because he doesn’t get how someone can be so aloof- loving- intense.
Intense. It all boils down to that. How Hyunjin looks at him sometimes, when he doesn’t know Felix can see. Like this. Like now. Pupils wide enough to drown the irises, wide enough for Felix to go down too.
Hyunjin’s hand curls around Felix’s neck again, yanking him forward again. Felix whines and squirms. He’s too turned-on, too sensitive to respond properly. He wants to eat Hyunjin, but he’s falling apart, and from the way Hyunjin’s looking at him, it might end the other way round instead.
“I hate you.”
Hyunjin smirks against Felix’s mouth. The hand curled around Felix’s length goes still, curbing the river of fire coiling in his stomach. Felix gasped, whines in protest. Hyunjin rests his other hand on Felix’s hip, keeping him from rutting his hips forward. “Words.”
“But, Hyunjin-” Felix is aching in places he didn’t know he could. “Please.”
“Patience, Yongbok. You’ll get what you want.” Tongue in cheek. Hyunjin’s smile could end wars.
Felix’s breathing shallows. “Please,” he tries again. He’s a broken record, on repeat. Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin.
“What did I say? Use your words, Lix.” Hyunjin’s other hand moves off Felix’s cock, making him whimper in panic.
Felix sobs, squirming. “Never mind- just touch me-”
Hyunjin pulls his knee up to his chest, cutting him off. Felix feels exposed enough to hurt. Butterflies exploding in his stomach. It really couldn’t be anyone else.
“Hyunjin.”
“Felix.” Hyunjin mimics his inflection, halfway between mocking and loving. His hand tightens on Felix’s leg as he shifts to lash out, and Felix stills instantly. “Oh.” Hyunjin sounds shocked. “You’re so cute.”
Felix twists to gaze at Hyunjin, lips slightly parted. As their eyes meet, Hyunjin makes a faint noise, and then his hands are on Felix’s shoulders, forcing him to back down. The moment Felix’s back meets the mattress again, he feels the shift, the absence of heat.
“Where are you going?” Felix tries not to sound panicked.
Hyunjin doesn’t say anything. When his fingers come back, they’re slick and warm, trailing up Felix’s thigh until he squirms and begins to babble again.
“Oh- Hyunjin, please. Please.”
Hyunjin coos again. Sweet. Felix has only heard this from Jisung to Minho, Minho to his cats. Pretty. You’re so pretty, baby. My angel.
None of it is new, but it has never sounded like this.
Hyunjin moves in between his thighs. Felix can feel the length of him, hot and velvety against his thigh. He’s still wearing sweatpants. Felix wants them off.
“How far did you get?” Hyunjin breathes. Felix hears the snap of the bottle as he opens it again.
“Not far-” Felix shudders as Hyunjin kisses the shell of his ear. The skin on his neck beside it. “It was hard- I’m sorry-”
Hyunjin grins, tongue between his teeth. “That’s what I’m here for, right?”
It’s said lightly, but still doesn’t sit right. “No- that’s not it at all-”
Hyunjin drips cold lube directly over his hole, cackling when Felix recoils, giving him an injured look.
“You pabo.” Felix tries to elbow him.
Hyunjin laughs again. Wild and unselfconscious. “Careful. You might bruise.” Felix huffs, then chokes as Hyunjin’s fingers begin to circle his hole lightly. “I’m going to put one in.”
Even with the warning, Felix makes a punched-out noise. His body immediately pushes out, panicked.
Hyunjin inhales sharply at the amount of resistance. Felix bites his lip, but Hyunjin doesn’t force it in- waiting, then trying again, slower. Felix gasps as his fingertip finally slides inside, fisting his hands in the sheets. Squeezing his eyes shut.
Slowly, patiently, Hyunjin eases the finger further. “Hurts, baby?”
“Yeah,” Felix murmurs. He has to tell the truth. “Not much.”
“Mmm.” Hyunjin shifts slightly, and Felix clenches around him, gasping. “Fuck, Yongbok. You’re going to break my fingers.”
Felix huffs, burning all over. “Don’t.” His head falls back again as Hyunjin shifts his fingers. He can’t tell if it’s further inside or out, left or right- all he can feel is Hyunjin, and he’s moving. “Where do you think you’re going?” Felix gasps.
“Nowhere,” Hyunjin whispers. “Calm. Be calm.” He laughs again when Felix lets out a frustrated sound. He squirms, aching, nowhere to put the heat inside him. Slowly, trying not to draw attention, he lifts a hand between his legs.
“So impatient, Felix.” Hyunjin slaps his hand away, twisting their fingers together before pinning them to the mattress.
Felix hisses, breathless. Close to coming, or dying, or both. It’ll probably be worth it. “You’re taking so long.”
“Be patient,” Hyunjin says through gritted teeth. “I’m not going anywhere. Neither are you.”
Hyunjin’s finger moves again, working up a steady rhythm. The stretch already feels molten, like being split open- something electrifying. Felix’s breathing shallows as Hyunjin adds another, pushing in and out, agonisingly composed.
“How long?” Felix gasps desperately. “Please, how long?”
“Mmm.” Hyunjin’s eyes flicker from Felix’s face to the space between his legs. The look on his face is so intense that Felix wants to curl up, shy away. So intense that Felix wants to crawl forward and kiss him. “I want to do three fingers. Less might hurt.”
Felix tries to pull back his smile. “You cannot be that big.”
Hyunjin smacks Felix’s inner thigh, making him yelp in shock. His face burns as his cock begins to leak, hard, onto his stomach.
Hyunjin notices. “Oh, Felix.” Pleased. Wondering.
“Don’t,” Felix says miserably. “Haven’t you tortured me enough?”
“And I’m the dramatic one?” Hyunjin snorts, and adds a third. Crooks them all upwards, until it brushes Felix’s prostate, turning his vision white.
Felix sobs when Hyunjin finally pulls all three fingers out. Dragging them teasingly down Felix’s thighs, leaving a slick trail behind. Felix pushes himself up at the sound of rustling, watching as Hyunjin hooks his fingers in his own waistband, pulling his sweatpants down his hips.
The shape of his erection had been visible even with the sweats on, but Felix has never looked at him this blatantly, completely unclothed. Hyunjin is big. Felix knows, the rest of Stray Kids knows, but Felix thinks he’s the first to see. Smooth skin, the beginnings of a flush. Lean legs, toned by dance and discipline. They’re long, too. He’s so tall.
Hyunjin has always been especially handsome.
He settles between Felix’s legs easily. His fingers are cold by now, still slick. He runs them up Felix’s thigh again, pressing until he shivers. Hyunjin’s other hand reaches round up to pull the elastic out of his hair, replacing it with his fingers.
The first brush of Hyunjin against his hole makes Felix flinch back, clench around nothing. Left hopelessly empty. Hyunjin smirks fondly. Leans in to kiss Felix’s shoulder, push his knees up further up, further apart.
Hyunjin presses back again. Prodding around Felix’s hole, but not inside- missing on purpose.
Felix sobs. “Hyunjin.”
Hyunjin gives him a sideways smile. “Felix.”
He presses inside.
More. Hyunjin is more than Felix expected, all fronts. Hotter, big enough to hurt, to make the stretch burn, to make stars burst behind his eyes.
Hyunjin bottoms out, hips flush against Felix, his breaths shuddering. His hand moves, restless, up from Felix’s waist to his shoulders, his neck. Smoothing the dark hair back from his face protectively. Hyunjin has always been that, especially since debut. Changbin used to make jokes about Hyunjin pissing on Felix with how much they stuck together then.
Felix’s eyes suddenly burn. Hyunjin’s hand moves down again, from to his cheek to his lips. Felix thinks he hasn’t noticed the tears until Hyunjin presses their foreheads together.
“What is it?” Tender. Adoring. They are a breath away from kissing again. “What is it, Felix? I’ll help you.”
Felix’s breath shudders. “I’m scared.” He doesn’t know how he’s lived so long without this. Every version of Hyunjin, under his fingertips. He doesn’t know if he can live without it again.
Felix wants to drag himself away. Nothing else will ever be this good.
“Of what?”
“This won’t change anything, right?” Felix asks. “We won’t change. Not like anyone else.”
“No, Felix,” Hyunjin says patiently. “We’re not like anyone else. We couldn’t be.”
The first stroke is hard enough to make Felix slide up the mattress. Hyunjin swallows Felix’s panicked whine, curls a hand behind his head to shield it from the headboard. He moves to wrap his other hand around Felix’s cock, angling his hips upwards.
Again. Hyunjin matches the rhythm of his strokes with his thrusts, and it feels so good that Felix is terrified. Terrified and ripped apart, hurtling towards the edge. Hyunjin excels at everything he does. Of course he would be good at this, too.
It’s almost embarrassing, how fast Felix breaks. He cums with a cry, curling in on himself, pressing impossibly closer to Hyunjin. Searching for his lips in the dark. I love you. Love you. He’s said it before, so he says it again.
Hyunjin doesn’t respond. Teeth gritted in concentration, eyes pressed shut. His strokes increase, faster, harder, chasing his own high, until Felix is sobbing from overstimulation.
Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin.
Hyunjin’s hips stutter, and then Felix feels him release in pulses- warm, stretching him so full that he whimpers, clutching Hyunjin’s shoulders.
“How is it?” Hyunjin’s voice is strangled.
“It’s a lot- Jinnie, it’s a lot-”
Hyunjin’s still moving, slower now. Rolling their hips together, riding out their high. “It’s fine,” he murmurs. “I’ll get it all out, Felix.”
“I don’t want you to.” Felix cringes, waiting for Hyunjin to tease, but he says nothing. “You’re so warm.”
Hyunjin smiles slightly. “No, you.”
He pulls out with a wince, making Felix shudder. A gush of sticky cum spills from between Felix’s legs, slowing to a drip once Hyunjin is fully out. It stains the mattress between them.
“Oh,” Felix says, dismayed. “It’s dirty.”
Hyunjin’s gaze is piercing. “Sleep with me tonight. I’ll help clean you up.”
Felix refuses to move by himself. He hooks his arms around Hyunjin’s neck and his legs around his waist, burying his face in his neck. “Ah-” Felix gasps as he is lifted off the bed. “It’s cold.”
Hyunjin does a terrible job of hiding a snort.
Felix gives Hyunjin an incredulous look. “I know you didn’t just laugh at me?”
“What were you expecting?” Hyunjin says dryly.
Felix glares. “I’ll hurt you.”
“Yongbok, you could never hurt me.”
In the shower, Hyunjin kneels before him. Carefully pushing two fingers inside, scissoring to coax the rest out and down the drain. Warm water, soap. He gently scrubs the leftover cum from between Felix’s legs. Dries his skin and hair, before pulling something soft and oversized over Felix’s head. Hyunjin’s hair is still dripping. He doesn’t seem to notice.
When Hyunjin arranges them back on the bed- face to face, but not touching- Felix reaches out, trailing a finger down the bridge of Hyunjin’s nose. Hyunjin stares at him.
“Will you hold me?” Felix whispers. “Only until I fall asleep. If that’s okay.”
Hyunjin presses his lips together. “Okay, then,” he says. “For you.”
Felix falls asleep warm again.
-
“Yongbokkie, why are you dancing so terribly?” Minho asks patiently.
Felix tries not to sulk, because Minho is right, and he’d approached Hyunjin with much less tact. Yah, Hwang Hyunjin! Are your legs broken? Do you need me to break them for you?
“My stomach hurts. It’s fine, though,” Felix adds quickly. “It’ll be okay in a day or two, yeah?”
Minho presses his lips together. “You need to be careful.”
“Okay, Minho-hyung.”
Their first comeback stage isn’t particularly soon, but they’ve all been busy with individual promotions and their synchronisation is suffering as a result. Felix watches Minho’s back as he goes back to check on the formation. Voice lowered, talking to Chan.
They eat lunch. Minho and Chan order for them: beef and pork bulgogi, rice- though they’re technically supposed to be avoiding that soon. Felix burrows into Jisung’s side.
“Not hungry?” Jisung’s cheeks puff out, packed with rice. His arm comes automatically around Felix’s shoulders. The only Stray Kids member who likes touch as much as him.
Felix shakes his head. Jisung feeds him a few spoonfuls from his bowl. Hyunjin stares, and looks away when Felix notices- probably wishing he’d gone for beef instead.
Minho opens his mouth expectantly. Jisung points at him with his chopsticks. “Not yours.” Minho scowls.
“Can we go out tonight?” Jeongin asks.
“We better.” Seungmin scrapes his bowl loudly. “We’ve been working hard. And I want to beat all of you at noraebang.”
“Um, no,” Hyunjin says.
“I want to go,” Felix says.
“Maybe,” Hyunjin concedes. Seungmin laughs pointedly. “Okay, I won’t,” Hyunjin snaps. “I need to practice, anyway.”
Felix pouts. “Who will hold back my hair when I drink too much? Who will dance with me?”
“Minho,” Hyunjin says.
“Jisung,” Jisung says.
Hyunjin’s lip curls.
Jisung wraps his arms around Felix. “You’re so uptight. Piss on him if you mind so much.”
“Let’s not,” Chan says pointedly. “Minho, you ready to continue? I want to go over the bridge again.”
-
“Why are you being so strange?” Seungmin asks brutally.
It started out as a movie night for the 00 liners. Then Minho decided to take Jisung a coffee date, and Hyunjin wanted to practice the choreography. It ended with Felix on Seungmin’s bed, head lolling on his shoulder whilst Seungmin sniffed and pretended to be disgusted.
“Have I?” Felix eyes his own bed warily. He’d changed the dirty sheets, stuffed them into the washing machine before the sun had even risen, but he keeps imagining the stain.
“Like, not just the awful dancing.” Felix gives him an injured look. “Well, I’d say sorry, but I’m not.”
Felix gasps. “Tsundere.”
Seungmin ignores him. “You’ve been acting weird around Hyunjin. For, like, weeks.”
“Weird how?”
Seungmin side-eyes him. “I don’t know. Just weird.” Onscreen, two boys glare at each other, then both turn to look at a girl. Equal longing. “I always wished they got together instead,” Seungmin murmurs.
“Seojun and Jukyung?” It’s Felix’s first time watching this drama, but Jisung has already told Felix most of the storyline from his own first watch.
“No. Seojun and Sooho.” Felix chokes on his water. “What? You don’t see the chemistry?”
“Um.” Felix considers. “I don’t really see it. Aren’t they both- you know- boys?”
“Really, Felix?” Seungmin raises his eyebrows. “Aren’t you gay?”
Felix gapes at him. “What?”
“You’re not?”
“You think?”
“Oh.” Seungmin turns back to the screen.
Felix stares at his back before grabbing his shoulders. He pulls wilfully, not letting up until Seungmin turns around. “Excuse me?” he demands. “Explain?”
Seungmin rolls his eyes. “Because- ew, not so close, you’re going to kiss me! Because you’re so into muscles and shit. And you love skinship. Disproportionately.”
“I’m tactile.”
“Ugh, whatever!” Seungmin gives him a faintly disgusted look. “Stop sighing, I want to watch Seojun fall in love.”
-
Their most recent comeback is the most gruelling yet. Minho works them all late into the night, wakes them early in the mornings, takes charge of cooking when takeout is inevitably restricted. Chan rushes around, talking with the producer, double and triple checking dates. Jisung’s nail-biting habit resurfaces.
Felix spirals.
He’s always been an overthinker. Usually it has served him well- kept him on his toes, drilling choreography until it’s perfect, catching mistakes in the mirror before anyone else can. But lately his distractions aren’t professional anymore. They’re not even explainable.
When Hyunjin touches him casually- tugging his hair at formation, hips bumping during transitions- his skin stays warm long after the contact ends. The heat lingers. Spreads. Soon, Felix starts seeking it out, positioning himself closer in the lineup, finding reasons to brush past. And he’s always done that, but it’s not the same. Not with anyone else.
“You’re acting so weird,” Jisung grouses, three iced americanos into his morning. Seungmin eyes Felix suspiciously, but doesn’t say anything.
More practice. Vocal recordings. Jeongin shoves a camera excitedly into his face, tells him to say a few words to Stay. Felix goes back to alarming blonde a few weeks before the comeback stage.
“Look at you,” Seungmin gloats. His foil has already been taken off, toner applied. His newest look is pale pink that shouldn’t work, but does. “You won’t have hair left by the time you hit thirty.” Felix shoots him a look, but Seungmin is only ever brutally factual.
Felix begins to watch Minho and Jisung. Minho’s hand on his back, the way Jisung leans in without looking. He watches Hyunjin’s lip curl as they pile on top of each other in game nights. Hyunjin catches Felix’s eye across the circle, and rolls his eyes. Mouths, isn’t that romantic?
Hyunjin has always been hard to read. Felix is sure about most things, but not him. He will tease and smirk, but sighs acceptingly when Jisung initiates skinship. He winds Minho up and volleys insults with Seungmin, and flirts with Changbin on lives until Changbin hides his face. With Felix, he’s normal, like nothing has changed. And isn’t that what he asked for in the first place?
Felix considers other members. Chan is handsome. Changbin is handsome. He imagines kissing them, and he feels nothing. He imagines kissing Hyunjin again and has to stop walking for a second.
He pictures kissing a girl. Sleeping with her, a real scenario, and the image won’t form. He knows what he’s supposed to want, but he can’t picture it.
As their breaks become shorter and dance practices become longer, Felix’s dreams deepen, until they’re impossible to break out of. The weight of Hyunjin on top of him, the gentle rib in his voice. The way he felt so close to his bones.
And Felix has dreamed about Hyunjin before, but nothing like this. Nothing that he couldn’t laugh about later, recounting over breakfast. Nothing that he couldn’t tell Hyunjin at all, because who dreams about that?
It’s because Hyunjin is his first. It’s because anyone would want it again if it felt that good.
It’s because I really, really trust him. Not like Felix trusts anyone else.
Felix keeps chasing the feeling.
-
Felix doesn’t like to let arguments sit. He’s normally the one to approach first to talk it out, because he likes to solve things right away. Especially with Hyunjin, especially with Jisung, because they’re the type to grow cold after disagreements. They’re the type to say, what is there to solve?
Only, it isn’t an argument, and Hyunjin isn’t being cold. Felix is just being greedy. Because he’s been aching, and empty. Because he always liked touch, but he didn’t know he could be that close to someone. And now he knows, he wants.
“My life, my rules.” Jisung dumps a packet of ramen into a pot with a flourish, then fishes out the powder sachet from boiling water with his fingertips, wincing.
“Are you okay?” Felix takes his hand carefully. “Do you want me to get ice?”
“It’s not that bad.” Jisung pouts, negating the point. “You’re going to say ‘I told you so,’ aren’t you?”
“No!” Felix says instantly. “How could I?” Jisung gives Felix the kind of look he gets when he wants to laugh at him.
He dumps the seasoning into the pot. “I won’t be able to do this later,” he laments. “Comeback’s soon, so if I wanna get bloated, I’m doing it now.”
“Um, I still don’t think it’s allowed.”
“Food tastes better when it’s not allowed.” Jisung pokes at the ramen block. “Dude, I’m so bored. Minho-hyung won’t fuck me anymore.”
Felix blinks, startled.
“It’s for selfish reasons too!” Jisung continues heatedly. “He cares more about his dance than me.” He’s joking. Overdramatic, trying to make Felix laugh.
“He probably just wants you to be okay. That’s what love is, isn’t it?”
Jisung bursts into laughter, hard enough to fall off the counter. Felix pouts. “Aish, don’t look at me like that. I wasn’t laughing at you. You’re just really funny.”
Felix gives him a dry look- but this is a fair way to segue into what he’s been dying to ask. “Do you think you can have sex platonically?”
Jisung, predictably, answers the question with a laugh. Non-sequiturs don’t faze him in the slightest. “Yeah, sure.”
Felix goes for it. “Even… repeatedly?”
Felix likes Jisung, because Jisung doesn’t ask questions. “What are me and Minho-hyung doing? You know, a week ago-”
Felix scrunches up his nose. Jisung hits his shoulder.
“Yah, don’t look so disgusted!”
-
“Imposter!” Jisung yells as soon as Felix steps into the gym. “What are you doing here? Working out?” He laughs at his own joke.
Felix shoots him a disgruntled look. “Is Chan here?”
“You move on so quickly,” Jisung mourns. “I swear we had something special.”
To be honest, Jisung’s complaints aren’t entirely unfounded. Felix almost never ends up working out when he goes to the gym, but it’s not for lack of trying. Chan and Changbin just seem magnetically drawn to him struggling. They end up coming over to teach him proper form and demonstrate reps- and Felix is bound to get distracted. He has a healthy appreciation for the human form.
He never really wanted to bulk up, anyway.
Felix finds Chan on the bench, finishing off his last set. Changbin hovers nearby, spotting him.
“Hey.” Felix crosses his legs and smiles.
Changbin points at him. “You’re not supposed to be here. Are Hyunjin and Jisung not enough for you?” He shakes his head disapprovingly. “Greedy, greedy Lixie.”
Felix sulks, but Changbin just smiles wider. “Channie-hyung, I have a question.”
“Wait a second.” Chan’s arms shake as he lowers the bar again. Felix doesn’t know how much weight it is- just a lot. He finally sits up after completing the set, wiping his brow with a towel Changbin offers. “What’s up, Lix?”
“How often do you have sex?” Felix asks shamelessly.
Changbin chokes on his water. Felix thumps him, hard, as punishment for previous transgressions.
“Not often,” Chan says warily.
“When did you last?”
“Like, three months.” Chan determinately avoids eye contact. “Give or take.”
“Appointments?” Felix asks, but he doesn’t have to guess.
“Yeah.” Chan coughs awkwardly. “Why?”
Felix hesitates, then goes on. “If I wanted to… you know, book one. Would you help me?”
Chan blanches. “You?”
Felix huffs. “Is it really that surprising?”
Chan hesitates before answering. “From you? Yeah.” He gives him a searching look. “Everything all right?”
“Yes!” Felix says, frustrated. “I’m not Jeongin, you know?” Chan coughs awkwardly. Felix sucks in a gasp. “You traitor.”
“No!” Chan deflects uselessly. “It was once. Heavily supervised. Careful. And not an appointment.”
“Are you saying you had sex with Jeongin?”
“No!” Chan blanches further. Changbin sniggers. “Stop asking questions! Just- are you sure?”
“What’s so surprising?” Felix huffs. “Do I not seem sexually active?”
“I just thought- you know- you’re the kind of guy to wait, that’s all. For your person. Isn’t that what you always said?” Chan steadily turns redder, always uncomfortable with this kind of talk. His idea of fanservice has always been decidedly brotherly.
Felix wrinkles his nose. “Whatever.” He turns to stalk away, but Chan takes hold of his arm. “What?”
“If you really want to, I can.” Chan’s expression is suddenly very serious. “I’ll make sure he’s gentle. Treats you well.”
He.
Felix stares at Chan. He looks so earnest that Felix’s stomach twists, before he can even consider the possibility. Scratch the itch, the horrible emptiness inside him. Maybe it will cure Felix, if it’s good enough. Bad enough.
But, the moment Felix considers it, he knows he can’t. That it’s never been just the act, but also the person, and it’s hard. Letting someone that close. Letting someone in that far. He only ever really had room for one.
Felix drops his head. “Never mind.”
Chan lets go of his arm. He doesn’t press.
-
It’s on one of their rare off days, during a time that Felix knows Changbin will be busy in the allotted composition time he has with the rest of 3RACHA, that Felix comes to Hyunjin and Changbin’s dorm.
Felix loves watching Hyunjin draw, because he looks so serious. Intent and concentrating, like he’s somewhere beautiful. Felix settles himself on Hyunjin’s chair, shuffling closer until he’s halfway on his lap, and watches the flicker in Hyunjin’s expression as he resists the urge to look up.
“Drawing?”
“Um.” Hyunjin presses his lips together. “Sketch?” he offers in tentative English.
Felix grins. “What’s it going to be this time?”
Hyunjin taps his pencil against his lip, still staring at the paper. “What do you think?”
Felix looks at the paper. A sketchy outline, the beginnings of a pout. “A face.”
Hyunjin gives Felix a radiant look. The tip of his pencil presses back down.
“Who?”
“Not telling.” Hyunjin’s eyes lift into crescents aggravatingly. The kind of look he gave Felix when Felix called him hyung when they first met, not knowing that you didn’t do that with people born in the same year.
Felix huffs and rests his chin on his hands. Seungmin and Felix keep tacky posters on the walls. Hyunjin and Changbin keep flowers on the windowsill. Orchids, delicate enough that they’d be withered in someone else’s hands, but Hyunjin is a romantic under all the hair and attitude. He probably talks to plants as he waters them.
“Lix, it’ll be a quick one,” Hyunjin says, taking Felix’s silence for petulance. He swaps pencils for one with a lighter tip. “How was your day? Did you eat?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you try out that fried chicken place you were talking about earlier?”
Felix forgot that he’d told Hyunjin about it. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t.” Hyunjin gives him a sharp look. “Don’t be like that,” Felix says. “You know how it is.”
Hyunjin sniffs. “Well. You have to take care of yourself, Lix.”
“I will.” Felix lights up as his eyes land on the old sketchbooks, neatly stacked on the corner of the table. He picks one up. “Can I?”
Hyunjin gives him a wary look. “Go on.”
Felix flips it open. Flowering vines, sketched in pencil. Some are washed in gentle watercolour. Felix recognises the rough outline of the flower from their Thunderous set. Eyes- a lot of them. Closed, open, with painstaking detail in the lashes. Sometimes, there’s half a face- an eye, lips, a nose. Freckles scattering across one cheek.
Felix gasps and points. “That’s me.”
Hyunjin barely glances up, but his expression flickers, embarrassed. “Congratulations, Felix,” he simpers in English.
“Don’t.” Felix clutches Hyunjin’s arm, and Hyunjin hisses. “You drew me.”
“I draw everyone. You have a very drawable face.” Hyunjin spins the pencil along his fingertips, then raises it to trace Felix’s outline in the air. His expression pinches again when Felix glows.
Felix draws out his words a bit, cute, “Thank you.”
“Don’t flatter yourself.” Hyunjin doesn’t actually mean it.
Felix gives the page a loving look. Hyunjin sighs loudly and flips the sketchbook closed, returning to his page.
Felix watches as Hyunjin begins to sketch again. His eyes are dark and serious. He looks too sweet to be intimidating, too intimidating to be sweet.
“Hyunjin, I’ve been thinking.”
“Oh, no,” Hyunjin says dryly. He sketches over one of the lines accidentally, and makes a frustrated sound, lifting his eyes. Felix grabs the rubber for him. “About?”
“That night.” Felix takes a deep breath. “I want to do it again. If you want to, as well.”
Silence. Hyunjin presses his lips together. His expression is frustratingly neutral. “Lix.”
“Yeah?”
Hyunjin holds a hand out for the rubber.
Felix makes a sad noise. “Answer my question.”
Hyunjin tries to take it instead, and Felix closes his fist, cradling it protectively. He gives Hyunjin his most pleading look.
“Oh, you really don’t want to do that,” Hyunjin warns. “I’ll- I’ll-” He breaks off. “Lix.”
“Hyunjin-ah.”
Hyunjin bites the inside of his cheek, his expression turning resigned. “Are you going to take hostage of it until I say yes?”
Felix didn’t think about it like that. “Well.” He looks down at his fists. “Not if you really, really don’t want to. But I don’t think you really, really don’t want to.”
Felix glances up as Hyunjin drops his gaze back down to the paper. He bypasses the ruined line, instead sketching lightly over freckles Felix didn’t notice him draw. Adding in a blush along the curve of the cheek. Felix wonders why he didn’t just say who he was drawing outright.
Me.
“And you really, really want to.” Hyunjin doesn’t look up.
Felix’s mouth is dry. “Yes, please.”
“I thought you wanted to book an appointment.”
Felix’s cheeks sear immediately. He feels grossly betrayed. “What?” he tries weakly.
Hyunjin smirks. “I’m Changbin’s roommate. You know he’s a talker.”
“Not for much longer.”
“Oh, Lix.” Hyunjin huffs out a laugh. Then, lower- “Did you? Book an appointment?”
“No!” Felix says passionately. “I would’ve told you. You know I would’ve.”
“Why?” Hyunjin says. “So you could make me jealous?”
Everything feels strange. The look on Hyunjin’s face, the way he says it. Why would he say it? “What do you mean? Why would you be jealous?”
“Nothing.” Hyunjin’s expression pinches. “It doesn’t matter.”
Felix can feel heat crawling up his cheeks. “No, tell me.”
“Drop it.” Hyunjin says it so sharply that Felix falls silent. “Sorry, Felix.” The apology is immediate. “I didn’t mean to say it like that. I was up late last night- I’m not thinking straight.” Hyunjin runs his hand distractedly through his hair. “What changed your mind?”
Felix has always only ever wanted to be truthful, but at that moment, the truth feels too big, and he’s not sure he’s got it right, anyway. “I just want it to be with someone I know, you know?”
“Why not Chan, then? Or Minho?”
Felix sighs. “You know Chan’s straight. And weren’t you the one that got bothered when you thought I wanted Minho at first?”
“I did not get bothered,” Hyunjin says, straight-faced. “Anyway, you’re avoiding the point.”
“I’m not!” Felix shoves at Hyunjin half-heartedly. Hyunjin just snickers. “You’re being deliberately slow. You know I trust you, Hyunjin. I trust you the most.”
“We already did it once. You liked it that much?”
Felix flushes. “You- you didn’t?”
Hyunjin quickly wraps his arms around Felix as his face scrunches. Felix presses closer, until he’s entirely on Hyunjin’s lap. Bathing in his touch. “Of course I did, baby,” Hyunjin murmurs. “You were so good, Lix. You were perfect. I’m just trying to understand. I thought you just wanted me to give you your first time. Does that mean you want it to be something regular, or do you just want to try a different way?”
Felix buries his face in Hyunjin’s neck. “I liked how it was. I don’t mind if it stays the same. I just really like being close to you.”
“Find out as we go along,” Hyunjin translates. “Yeah?”
“It doesn’t have to be sex,” Felix says in a rush. “Just-” And he feels selfish, so greedy, exactly what Changbin said. “-can you kiss me, please? I really like kissing. And just, sometimes- if you want- I wanna share a bed.” Felix curls in on himself, embarassed.
Hyunjin is silent for a few beats. Then, “We already do that,” he points out unnecessarily. They’ve all shared a bed with each other one time or another.
“More.” Felix suddenly wants to pass out. Talking has never been this tricky for him. “But only if you want to as well.” Felix uncurls his fist, pressing the rubber guiltily into Hyunjin’s hand. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” Hyunjin looks like he means it, but he has always been especially accommodating with Felix. “I’m okay with it. I’m okay with you.” There’s a pause. “Look up, Felix.”
Felix tips his face up, and Hyunjin steals a kiss. Felix pretends to be annoyed.
He doesn’t know why he was getting so worked up about it. An overthinker to a fault.
Hyunjin says yes. Felix should’ve known. Hyunjin always says yes.
-
Felix hurts his back a month before their comeback, and it throws them all in a loop.
A herniated disc. In the grand scheme of things, it shouldn’t particularly impact their stage. It shouldn’t force Felix to take a hiatus. They won’t have to rerecord their song.
Minho spends forty-eight hours hunched over their dance footage, rewriting formations. The changes aren’t dramatic, but enough that they keep slipping up, frequently enough for nerves to be on edge. Chan’s stress headaches return. Seungmin goes from teasing to unnaturally serious.
Hyunjin doesn’t say anything, but he stays close.
Closer than usual, almost territorial. Closer than someone who claims to hate contact should be. When Felix sits, Hyunjin appears beside him. When Felix stands, Hyunjin hovers at his elbow, close enough for Felix to feel the heat of him before he turns. During breaks, Felix presses sweat-sticky cheeks to his, and Hyunjin doesn’t pull away. Doesn’t even pretend to mind.
At breaks, Hyunjin needles him- snide remarks, exaggerated eyerolls, like some kind of penance for his softness.
At night, when Hyunjin thinks Felix is asleep, he will trace the edges of his back brace. Lightly. Endlessly. Up and down, as if coaxing it to heal.
-
“We should go out and celebrate,” Jisung says, the night after their first stage. “Drinks. Ooh- noraebang!”
Seungmin’s eyes gleam instantly. “Yes.”
“Fine by me,” Hyunjin says. “I suppose I could spare a night.”
“I suppose I could spare a night,” Jisung mimics, and Hyunjin throws him a filthy look.
“It has to be all eight of us, hyung,” Jeongin insists. “It’s tradition.”
“Hmm,” Chan hesitates. “We’ve got important appearances in the coming weeks.”
“Please?” Felix says. “We’ve worked so hard, yeah? It’s only right to celebrate.”
Chan relents quickly. “Fine. But we’re wearing hats, staying low-key, and we’re not going to a bar- we’ll take the soju directly to the noraebang.”
Felix glows, and Jeongin nods vigorously. Seungmin and Jisung exchange superior looks- rivals, especially now.
Chan talks to the managers. Wrangles them a room, promising to be back before two, even though they’ve easily pulled off all-nighters before. They arrive in the karaoke room bundled up with hoodies, a beanie to conceal Seungmin’s pink hair.
Once they arrive, they arrange themselves on the sofa, neon purple and pink lights gleaming off of leather. Chan kneels to take out the bottles. Seungmin, Jeongin and Jisung pile together, fighting for warmth, and Felix squeezes in next to Seungmin. Hyunjin perches on the sofa armrest and wraps around Felix like a blanket.
“Let’s start?” Seungmin suggests after the first round of soju, already scrolling through the song catalogue.
“I’m not nearly drunk enough to embarrass myself like this,” Hyunjin sighs. Jisung laughs and leans over to sling an arm around him, and Hyunjin pretends not to smile.
“Innie first?” Seungmin suggests.
“No.” Jeongin hides behind his soju. Seungmin leads them all in a round of raucous cheering, and Jeongin caves with a groan.
Seungmin predictably destroys the scoreboard. Even though they start off mostly sober, they all get thoroughly drunk, especially Jisung, coping with their losses.
“I can’t say I didn’t expect it,” Seungmin says, accepting his victory with all the grace of a king. “But it was all over the moment we saw IU’s Good Day.” He nods, acknowledging Minho, who slumps over Jisung’s lap dramatically.
-
Comeback stages are the best part of Felix’s life- the adrenaline, the fans, the proof of their work- but he’s secretly relieved when their promotions wind down. When they can wake up past noon, and Chan’s shoulders finally drop from where they’ve been hovering near his ears, and their only obligations are guest appearances and the occasional individual schedule.
Felix releases Deep End. He watches Hyunjin, Jeongin and Jisung’s vlive later that night, pressed into his pillow, and Hyunjin calls his voice pretty. Says it was his favourite.
They sit together in the yellow Two Kids Room, and Felix tells Hyunjin exactly what he thinks of him, and it’s ridiculously easy. Hyunjin asks him if he meant it afterwards. Of course. Why wouldn’t he?
Chan calls them ‘fire and water’, and Hyunjin cackles when he watches the clip.
They go out to a café together, and Hyunjin almost spits out Felix’s drink when he tries it. It’s so sweet. It’s like coffee candy. Hah, Yongbok, you drink coffee like you.
Over their last few comebacks, they’ve been steadily gaining more traction. Jisung gets thoroughly drunk one night in celebration, and Minho has to haul him home.
Hyunjin is the first to land a luxury brand deal- a global ambassador for Versace. Chan cries, and Jisung pokes fun, and Hyunjin looks stunned, like he doesn’t know how good he is. Like he doesn’t know that the world loves him.
Sometimes, Felix thinks the same.
I love you. He’s said it before. Love has always been easy to him. But this is completely random, grossly uncoordinated. Felix catches himself in the middle of normal moments. Hyunjin complaining about Jisung’s cologne, Hyunjin tripping over nothing and pretending he didn’t, Hyunjin laughing with his whole body, head thrown back, showing all of his teeth. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin.
Felix has always been completely open with himself, but this feels inexplicable. Like a door he keeps circling but he can’t walk through. Like the words exist but won’t line up right in his mouth.
Promotions end, and suddenly they have time.
Minho and Jisung go on more coffee dates. Sometimes they’re spotted, sometimes not, but they’re always smug about it on the group chat. Seungmin posts more covers on SKZ-RECORD. Jeongin starts gaming again. Chan composes with the door open.
Hyunjin starts to take Felix on drives.
It’s never anywhere in particular. The first time, he knocks on Felix’s door on a night when Changbin is down the hall with Chan, buried in a composing session that’ll run until dawn.
“I want to take you out.”
“Where?”
Hyunjin shrugs. “Nowhere.”
Felix would follow Hyunjin anywhere. Even nowhere.
Driving with Hyunjin- Hyunjin driving him- is different from driving with a purpose. They loop around the lake near their dorm, windows cracked, cold air slipping in. Felix learns quickly that Hyunjin favours going out after sunset, after the water goes dark and the starts settle into it. It’s more intimate, he’d explained once, offhand. And then, Easier to paint.
The parking lot is nearly always empty.
Felix watches Hyunjin trace shapes in the air, describing exactly how he will paint it- the moon’s reflection, the way light breaks on moving water- and thinks, I love you. And then, I want to kiss you.
Sex was out of the question during their comeback. But sometimes, when Changbin was out, when Seungmin was asleep, Felix would crawl into Hyunjin’s bed anyway. Press his cold fingers into his wrists until Hyunjin grunted and pulled him closer. Burying his face in the crook of Hyunjin’s neck, breathing deep: soft linen, sleep-warm skin.
No more kissing, because Felix didn’t ask, and Hyunjin isn’t the kind to initiate.
He’d said it was okay. He’d said he wanted it too.
It’s normal to want it if it feels so good. I won’t trust anyone else the same way.
Felix says it on their eighth drive, because if he thinks about it any longer he’ll never do it. The moonlight spills silver over the water. Hyunjin’s head is tilted back to the car ceiling, laughing at nothing. Felix watches the way it moves through him.
“Can I kiss you?”
Hyunjin gives him a stunned look. Different from the look he gave him when Felix asked him to sleep with him. The kind he had when he got the brand deal, when Felix came back from his elimination. Like he couldn’t believe his own luck. Like he was waiting to wake up.
“Okay.”
-
Sometimes, Felix gets fixated on things. Anime, snacks, League of Legends. Watching a screen until his eyes burn and Seungmin confiscates his phone and he gets a stern lecture from Chan. Felix tries to manage it.
But, Hyunjin.
And Felix doesn’t understand, because Hyunjin is so far from a girl, so far from everything Felix thought he would like. He keeps thinking, justifying, trying to reframe it. Seungmin or Jisung, or maybe even some stranger. He can’t imagine feeling a fraction this way. Not with anyone else.
Felix wonders, if Chan finds out how much space Hyunjin takes up, he’ll get another lecture. But surely, out of all things, Hyunjin must be the best for him?
Sex becomes part of the rhythm- always unplanned, always welcome. Days when Changbin or Seungmin are busy- compulsive vocal practice, late-night 3RACHA meetings. Felix learns Hyunjin’s language by heart- that Hyunjin’s breath catches when he ties back his hair, offering the grip to tug. That he likes building up a slow, deep rhythm until Felix is falling apart beneath him. That he likes it when Felix sobs, but not when he cries. Hyunjin has never been able to take that.
That he likes Felix best from behind. Hyunjin can never willingly meet his eyes for long.
Felix has his hair dyed dark- a break from the blonde, to give it some time to breathe. The first time he’s gone back to black in nearly two years. When he comes out of the styling room, Hyunjin stares.
“Yah. Yah, Yongbok.”
“Different, right?” Felix asks, amused.
Hyunjin reaches out, twisting his fingers in the hair at Felix’s temple. New black over his knuckles- Felix watches Hyunjin stare at it in the mirror. Watches his throat move as he swallows. “You dyed it black.”
“Yeah, I did.” Felix lets him touch, grins at him lovingly. “I look like a whole new person, yeah?”
Hyunjin keeps touching. Keeps staring.
That night, Felix does a TikTok live. Hyunjin slips in a quarter of the way through, settling behind him on the sofa, curling his hands over his shoulders and pulling until Felix leans into him. Hyunjin barely talks, says he’s not tired, and falls asleep on Felix’s shoulder halfway through, breathing warm against his neck.
Sleeping Hyunjin makes Felix worry somehow. All that power, all that guardedness, trusting Felix enough to relax against his back. After Felix ends the live, he leans back, Hyunjin’s hand splayed on his stomach. Felix has never been good at falling asleep quickly, so he tries to sit still instead, moving as little as possible so as not to disturb him. Trying to match the rhythm of Hyunjin’s breaths.
Felix gives up quickly.
Slowly, carefully, he reaches up. Traces the veins on Hyunjin’s hand with a single fingertip.
“What are you thinking, Yongbokkie?” Hyunjin’s voice is dreamy, still half under.
Felix sighs, drawing his hand away, internally scolding himself. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”
Predictably, Hyunjin surfaces. He sits up just enough to look at him, eyebrows contracting. “Tell.”
Felix blows out all the air from his cheeks. “Don’t laugh,” he warns.
“That’s not something I can control,” Hyunjin says, straight-faced. “If you’re being silly, I have to laugh.”
Felix scrunches up his nose at him, but says it, shyly. “I want to give you a blowjob.”
Hyunjin pretends not to hear him. Felix knows it’s pretend because his fingers flex slightly, and then his arm winds round his waist, pulling Felix back against his chest. Felix rests his head against Hyunjin’s heart, listening to it rattle against his ribs.
“You don’t mean that,” Hyunjin says finally.
Felix presses his lips together. “Why?”
“Because!” Hyunjin says, and doesn’t continue.
Felix sticks his lower lip out and cranes his neck up. Hyunjin kisses him obligingly. Again on the nose, like an added gift. His mouth is sweet.
“Where did this all come from, Yongbok?”
And, to be honest, the idea started with guilt. The way Hyunjin would carry him to bed once, twice, six times. The way Hyunjin would push Felix into oblivion, then piece him back together afterwards. The way he’d kneel in the shower afterwards, and clean him up so gently that it hurt.
Felix would just lie there, skin still tingling, and promise himself. Next time, I’ll do something. Return the favour. Make it equal.
But then Hyunjin would touch him again, and his thoughts would collapse in on themselves, and all he could think was Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin, and what’s wrong with me? and how can I ever do this with anyone else?
And Felix wants to make Hyunjin feel good, wants it like a physical ache, but he just doesn’t know how. He’s never known anything else. Doesn’t want to know anything else.
Somewhere along the way, it stopped being about the guilt.
Like the way Felix likes kissing, but now it’s hard to imagine anyone else on the other end. Like the way Felix isn’t gay, but he craves the stretch, the burn, the way his body learns to open. Like the way thinking about Hyunjin stopped being a fantasy and started being want- hot and heavy in his chest, pooling low in his stomach, keeping him awake at night with his hand between his legs and Hyunjin’s name caught in his throat.
Felix has always been more than a little curious.
“Yongbok, you don’t have to do anything for me,” Hyunjin says, forever on the same wavelength. “I like you- I like things as they are.”
“What if I want to? I’ve heard it feels good, you know?” Felix’s source is Jisung, who has a terrible gag reflex, who chokes on rice cakes and uncut meat.
Hyunjin blinks. “You- can’t be serious.”
“I am serious,” Felix huffs. “You think I couldn’t?”
“Never said that.” Hyunjin’s thumb circles on Felix’s hip placatingly. “I just don’t get you sometimes.”
“Then tell me.” Felix softens. “I’ll explain, yeah?”
Hyunjin’s lashes sweep down. “You said you wanted to blow me.”
Felix nods.
“Why? Is this preparation for something? What is the reason?” Hyunjin’s voice is strange.
“Does there have to be a reason?”
“No.” Hyunjin presses his lips together. “There doesn’t have to be.”
“Then do you wanna try?”
Hyunjin gives him a hard look. Finally, he exhales, tipping his head back. “Okay, then, Lix. Fine- oh! Oh- Felix.”
Felix looks up from the floor questioningly. He’s already off the sofa, knees on the ground. Jisung has always been especially graphic about positions. “Yeah?”
“Felix.” Hyunjin says his name like testing if it still means the same thing. “Now?”
Felix gives him a look on the edge of laughter. “When did you think?”
Hyunjin stares at the empty space beside him, then back at Felix on the floor. “Are you sure? What if you- what if it doesn’t fit?”
Felix immediately makes a face, and Hyunjin snorts inelegantly. “Unless you don’t want it,” Felix adds, a little petulantly. “Then I won’t.”
Hyunjin reached out a hand slowly, and tangles it in Felix’s hair, close to his scalp. Felix’s chest tingles warm at the contact, the casual possession of it. “But what if you choke?” Hyunjin’s voice drops, suddenly soft. “I don’t want you to die.”
Felix smacks his thigh. “You’re really overselling yourself, Hyunjin-ah. Let me try, yeah? We’ll see if I die or not.”
Hyunjin raises his eyebrows. “Of course I wouldn’t let you die,” he says archly. His voice is light, but his eyes aren’t. He pushes himself to the edge of the sofa, thighs parting. “Go on, Lix.”
Felix scrunches his nose at him. Hooks his fingers experimentally in the waistband of Hyunjin’s sweatpants, listening as Hyunjin’s breaths turn shallow, before pulling them down.
Even though Felix has seen Hyunjin before, it sometimes makes him dizzy if he thinks too much, too serious, about it. He’s never seen another person’s cock, apart from Seungmin’s accidentally, and everyone’s seen Seungmin’s accidentally, so it doesn’t really count.
Hyunjin isn’t an accident.
Getting him hard is easier than Felix expected- embarrassingly easy, the way Hyunjin responds to him, even as his expression stays strangely professional, completely intent. Felix wraps his hand around Hyunjin’s cock, then leans forward kiss the head. He gives it a few kitten licks. Presses his tongue against the slit, tasting heat and salt.
When Felix closes his lips completely around the tip, Hyunjin’s head falls back, neck gleaming in the dorm lights. His breathing turning ragged.
Emboldened, Felix tries to take more. He gags immediately, eyes watering, throat convulsing. Hyunjin’s fingers tighten in his hair, and Felix’s throat tenses in preparation, but Hyunjin tries to pull Felix off instead of holding him down.
Felix makes a protesting sound, muffled around Hyunjin’s cock, and Hyunjin lets out a low, broken moan.
“Felix.” His voice is almost pleading. “Be careful.”
Felix tries to answer around him, and Hyunjin twitches on his tongue, hissing through his teeth. Felix finally pulls off, coughing, trying to catch his breath.
“Try breathing through your nose.” Hyunjin’s words are strained. Careful, even now.
Felix pouts. “I’m trying.”
When he swallows down Hyunjin’s cock again, he takes it in deeper- overly ambitious - until his throat burns and his eyes well up. It’s worth it, all worth it, to see the look on Hyunjin’s face, hear his strangled moans. His grip on Felix’s hair tightens, tugging just shy of pain.
Felix thinks, maybe unfairly, that he can do this forever.
The strain of it, the heat. Hyunjin’s face above him, his eyelashes fanned against his cheeks. The veins shining blue in his hands as he grips the edge of the mattress. Felix presses his legs together, embarrassed by how desperately hard he is, how obvious it must be.
Hyunjin comes with a broken sound- hot and sudden, spilling over Felix’s lips, down his chin. Felix makes a distressed sound as he tries to swallow and fails. Hyunjin laughs, breathless, his eyes dangerously soft. He kneels beside Felix, pulling his sweats back over his own hips like an afterthought.
His gaze slides down, lingering between Felix’s legs, where the mess must surely be showing through. His gaze is hungry but warm. Felix wants to hide.
“Good, Lix?” Hyunjin drags him forward, kissing him before he can answer- tongue pressing in immediately to taste himself on Felix’s mouth. He pulls back after a few seconds, gagging. “That’s rank.”
“It’s yours,” Felix says sulkily. “And I like it. I think it’s perfect.”
-
They’re sat down together on a rainy Tuesday. Just the two of them, and Chan, who won’t quite make eye contact, and the managers. They look so serious that Felix’s stomach drops before anyone says a word.
They deliver it in as little words as possible.
Something about fans that aren’t really fans. Something about death threats, but they don’t use that exact phrase. Something about shipping, but it’s never been like this for Minho and Jisung, never this pointed, never this vicious.
Something about distance. Something about until the situation dies down.
Felix stops listening after that.
Hyunjin barely reacts. Okay, he says, like it’s nothing, and Felix knows it doesn’t mean nothing- knows that Hyunjin has always folded his feelings inwards, has always needed things said aloud to process them- but there’s a difference between knowing something and hearing it. Felix nods along anyway, agrees quickly, just so he can get out of the room.
Felix panics.
Because things are changing. Because people are seeing through him, and he’s only just realising there was something to see. Because he won’t be able to touch Hyunjin for a while now, on camera at least, and the distinction doesn’t matter but it does, it does, because what if the distance leaks? What if it stops being for the cameras and becomes for them?
What if Hyunjin believes it?
Felix breaks down a week later. Curled on the floor of his dorm, back against the bed. His chest is splitting open, ribs separating, lungs refusing to fill. He presses a hand against his mouth to muffle the sound. He can’t think. He can barely breathe.
Seungmin finds him, and turns white, the normal snark on his lips wiped clean. Felix clings to him, fingers digging into his arms, and Seungmin lets him. Holds his phone at an arm’s length, dials, says something that Felix can’t hear over the roar of blood in his ears.
Then, Hyunjin is there.
He appears in the doorway, takes one look at Felix on the floor, and drops down beside him. His palm presses flat between Felix’s shoulder blades. Felix crumples into his chest, fingers fisting in his hoodie.
“It’s fine,” Hyunjin murmurs into his hair. Rocking him, slow. “It’s fine, Yongbok.”
Seungmin is still there, watching, but Hyunjin brushes a kiss on Felix’s crown anyway. Felix wants to kiss him properly, even with Seungmin around, even if the cameras are around, because something in Hyunjin’s face makes him brave.
“Nothing will change,” Hyunjin promises again. “We’ll be okay.”
“It’ll be hard- you know- other people-” Because of course they aren’t the first of their kind. There have been fall-outs, departed members, messed-up group chemistry. They’ve all worked too hard to be another unexplained disbandment.
“We won’t be like them.” Hyunjin’s eyes are steady, fixed a point away from Felix’s. “What did I tell you? We’re not like anyone else.”
-
Preparations start again- longer and more arduous, because this time, it’s for a tour. Felix practices into the night- his body remembering the herniated disc, even as his mind tries to forget. Minho watches him, cat-like, for the first week, then relaxes incrementally.
Felix’s hair is bleached, then dyed blue for the occasion. He sits in the salon chair, scalp tingling, watching Seungmin spin distractingly on the chair next to him. Half of his fringe is covered in foil- a new, two-toned look.
“You’re going to lose all your hair by thirty,” Seungmin says, not for the first time, because there is only so much it can handle, after all.
Felix wonders what he’ll look like at thirty. If Hyunjin will still trace his face in sketchbooks then, the same careful hand, the same concentrated frown. If Hyunjin will still reach for him in the dark. If thirty will feel like this- young and alive and so full it hurts.
Hyunjin exists in his periphery. A voice during warm-ups, leading them through stretches. A body at group meals, close enough that Felix could reach out and touch if he wanted to- and he wants to, always wants to, but there are cameras sometimes, and managers sometimes, and Chan all the time, and the memory of that Tuesday when they were told to be careful. So he doesn’t.
Felix feels like a child sometimes. When he wakes Hyunjin up to accompany him to the bathroom when he remembers It. When Hyunjin swaps their bowls if Felix’s food is too spicy. When Hyunjin has to calm him down from nightmares.
When Hyunjin pulls him closer, tucks Felix’s head under his chin. Breathes slow and even until Felix matches him, one hand splayed on his chest, counting heartbeats down from panicked to calm.
He doesn’t ask, What is it?
Felix doesn’t answer, Losing you.
They’re busy. Too busy for private talks. Felix falls into bed too exhausted to think, and when he does, it’s about formations, lyrics, the next thing. Variety shows. Costume fittings. The stylists make gentle, professional comments about his silhouette in new stage outfits.
Felix begins his fast again, like he always has, a month before comeback.
It’s not that he doesn’t eat. He just likes to be careful. Sometimes, he will spread photos from his debut days on his phone screen. And he doesn’t hate how he used to look, remembers exactly how hard he worked, but something sinks anyway. He’s always had a specific visual in mind. Delicate. A sharper look. It requires attention.
Everything’s fine, until it’s not.
The DANCERACHA live starts normally. Felix is curled between Minho and Hyunjin- the first time Felix has been able to sit this close to Hyunjin on camera in months.
Looking over the live later, it’s disheartening, and silly, and downright embarrassing how Felix gets. Turning towards Hyunjin when he speaks and glowing, like a sun-seeking flower. All his feelings clearly written on his face, free to watch by anyone. It makes Felix wonder how people didn’t notice sooner, why managers didn’t tell him off harsher, why Chan didn’t pull him aside earlier to tone it down.
It all goes wrong, less than halfway through.
Hyunjin offers him his favourite bread snack. Asks him about the fried chicken place he was talking about. Says they should go sometime.
Felix says no, not until after promotions. It’s his rule. He doesn’t want anyone to worry.
Hyunjin’s face does something complicated. His mouth twists, and for a moment, he looks like he might say something. Then, his expression shutters. He goes quiet for the rest of the live.
After the live, Hyunjin still doesn’t speak. He’s wound so tight that Felix can see it in his shoulders, his clenched hands, the way he won’t look at anything but the wall. Felix reaches out and presses his fingers gently into the tense muscle between his shoulder blades- the spot that usually melts under his touch.
Hyunjin flinches. It hurts more than it should.
“You’re not eating.” Hyunjin’s voice is tight and controlled. His jaw works.
Felix pulls his hands away. “I am. Just carefully.”
Felix doesn’t understand why it’s an argument. Why Hyunjin can’t just let it go. He tries to explain- the visual, the sharpness, the way he needs to look- but Hyunjin’s face cycles through red, then white. He walks out, and Felix is left with Minho’s careful silence.
They don’t speak for weeks.
Felix doesn’t like arguing. He doesn’t get why people do it. Doesn’t get why they can’t just talk it out and be happy.
Hyunjin doesn’t get it.
It’s their worst argument, since they were trainees and Felix didn’t know how to talk to people, didn’t understand that Hyunjin’s particular brand of care sometimes looked like indifference. Felix goes to sleep alone, because he can’t bring himself to knock on Hyunjin’s door, and Hyunjin doesn’t knock on his.
Seungmin watches them both with narrowed eyes. He plays his music louder and leaves snacks on Felix’s desk- ones that Felix likes, but he won’t touch right now.
Minho and Jisung are conspicuously gentle with the both of them. Jisung drapes himself over Felix during breaks like a human blanket. Minho corrects Hyunjin’s form with unusual patience, doesn’t snap even when Hyunjin misses the same transition three times in a row. Felix has probably had more touch in these few days than the last few months, excluding everything he’s done with Hyunjin.
It’s not enough. Of course it’s not enough. It was never about the amount, it was the person, always the person, always Hyunjin. It couldn’t be anyone else.
Felix crashes and burns one night when Hyunjin is out.
It’s stupid. It’s just a drive- Hyunjin goes on drives alone sometimes- but this time Felix doesn’t know where. Didn’t get asked to come. He curls on the sofa trying very hard not to think about the empty passenger seats and who might fill them, when his phone lights up with a notification.
Hyunjin has started a livestream.
Felix glances warily at Seungmin across the room, bent over a lyric sheet with his headphones on. Then, he clicks.
Hyunjin’s face loads on the screen. Head tilted back, exposing the pale shine of his neck, the line of his jaw gleaming in the car lights. He’s speaking already, voice dreamy and directionless, the kind of conversations they had when they still had time.
“What’s your favourite anime?” Hyunjin reads off of the chat. He smiles. “Haikyuu. What’s yours, Stay?”
A flood of comments, too fast to read. Felix doesn’t.
“The sky is really pretty,” Hyunjin says. He points the camera out the window- pink and gold bleeding into dusk. Then back to his face, soft focus, contemplative. “‘Is this your favourite sky?’ No. I like it when it’s dark. Easier to paint. ‘How are you?’ I’m always fine.”
Felix closes his eyes. Breathes through it.
Hyunjin talks. About the tour, about nothing. Teases Jisung’s sleeping habits, mentions his newest art project: a gift, but he won’t say for who. The chat speculates wildly, and Hyunjin smiles, smug.
His eyes go back to the chat. And then he says it.
“‘I heard you got into a fight with Lix recently. Was it your fault?’” Hyunjin’s voice is very soft. He continues in the same breath. “Agreed. It was my fault. How could I argue with Lix? An angel without wings.”
Felix presses the heels of his hands against his eyes until he can see stars.
-
They arrive in Seattle for the first leg of their tour two days before the actual event.
It should relieve Felix. Because even though he still puts aside time to learn Korean, it’s difficult. America means signs he can read without translation, crowds whose overlapping voices he can understand without focussing on one. It should feel like coming up for air.
It should, but everything is already changing too fast, and Felix doesn’t know how to keep up.
Felix hates arguing. Hates being ignored, being frozen out, being treated like a stranger by someone who knows exactly where to press to hurt the most. Hates the unfamiliar ache in his chest when Hyunjin smirks in response to Changbin’s flirting, when he kisses the top of Jeongin’s head. My favourite hyung, Jeongin beams- an open secret. My favourite dongsaeng, Hyunjin replies, and Felix feels like he’s drowning.
It’s silly to be jealous of Jeongin. He knows Hyunjin loves them all.
Hyunjin’s hair is dyed right before they leave, and Felix catches himself staring at it in different lights. Fluorescent hotel lobby: almost white. Honey in the American sunlight. He wonders if it’d look brown at night, under nothing but streetlight through the window. He doesn’t go to find out.
They go to see landmarks in their free time. Jisung shares his cheesecake, feeding Felix bites off of the same fork, and Felix lets him because at least someone still wants to touch him. Hyunjin’s nose twitches from where he sits before he turns to pick a fight with Minho. Chan warns Jisung and Felix not to get sick, and Changbin waves him off. Live and let live.
Yolo, Jisung adds in an exaggerated accent, and Chan sighs fondly.
Seungmin complains about his feet. Jeongin finds a stray cat near the hotel and refuses to leave for twenty minutes, crouched on the sidewalk making soft noises. Minho takes a thousand pictures, and posts three. Pretty weather, he captions them. They all feature Jisung prominently- Jisung and the American skyline, Jisung mid-laugh, Jisung looking at Minho like he’s the only thing in frame. Minho isn’t showing off the weather.
Rooming is fluid. Sometimes Felix is with Changbin, sometimes Jeongin. When Chan assigns him with Jisung, Minho materialises and whisks him away with a look that dares anyone to comment. Felix ends up wherever.
One night, it’s Hyunjin.
It’s Hyunjin, and Felix hides in the bathroom. It’s Hyunjin, and Felix peeks through the lock to watch him slowly unpack his things, eyes trailing over the room. It’s Hyunjin, and for a second, Felix watches as Hyunjin buries his face in his hands and he shakes.
It’s Hyunjin, and when Felix comes out, his eyes are dark, and his face is white, and he’s giving Felix the look he used to give him all the time but never let him see. A look he’s only ever caught in glimpses, in reflections, the space between one breath and the next. Like Felix is precious. Like he really is the angel that Hyunjin calls him all the time.
Felix feels close to tears.
“I’m sorry,” Felix barely manages to get out, and Hyunjin kisses him. Once, twice, three times. Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin.
Felix cries, and tries to say sorry again. Hyunjin won’t let him.
It’s fine, Yongbok. We’ll be fine. No, nothing has changed. I promise.
-
The sixth night, they’re still in Seattle, and it’s still Hyunjin.
There’s a soundcheck during the day- pulling nerves tight, setting them up for the concert that following evening. The venue echoes with empty seats, and Minho runs them through formations. Changbin pulls Chan aside to mutually stress over a transition. Felix’s back aches, even after all the time and rest. He tries to be patient with himself.
He finally returns to the hotel room to find Hyunjin already stretched out languidly on the bed. His expression bored, until Felix steps inside.
Felix was just out with Chan and Jeongin, wearing plain, discreet clothes, to avoid recognition. A black cropped T-shirt and unbranded track pants- two stripes of white lined from the hem at his hips to his ankles. The waistband sits low, the V-cut of his hips visible above it.
Hyunjin’s eyes slide down and fix there.
“Yah.” Hyunjin reaches out, and Felix comes closer instinctively. Without pausing, Hyunjin hooks his fingers in the waistband of the track pants and yanks them up, over his hips. Felix’s heart flutters. “Don’t wear that shirt. You’ll catch a cold. Where were you?”
“I was checking out cafés with Chan and Iyen.” Felix lays his palm flat against Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin curls his fingertips to cover Felix’s.
He sometimes watches videos of their debut days- where something possesses Hyunjin to press his palm against Felix’s, and Felix flushes like a kid with a crush. Embarrassing.
“Was it nice? The peace and quiet?” Felix teases.
“For a period,” Hyunjin says coolly. Felix rolls his eyes, until Hyunjin’s hands curl around the back of his thighs and abruptly urge him backward until he’s shrieking and giggling in a panic, stumbling to sit on Hyunjin’s lap.
Hyunjin toys with a strap on the back of Felix’s cropped shirt in silence. “I have something for you.”
Felix’s heart glows. “What?”
“A- painting.” Hyunjin sounds painfully embarrassed, like he’s arrived at death’s door with pennies. “It was- it’s not very good, I didn’t have much time- it was supposed to be for your birthday.”
“You already got me something for my birthday.” French scents, from their time in Paris. They went in early September, falling perfectly on Felix’s birthday.
Visiting the Musée d'Orsay. Hyunjin’s face- wide eyes, wild smile- isn’t Paris so romantic? Because Hyunjin has always truly been the romantic out of the both of them.
Trying snails. Hyunjin laughing at the face Felix made, then swapping their dishes to give Felix his own. No, it’s fine. I don’t mind.
Watching the night view on the Seine, stars sunk in water. Hyunjin telling Felix offhandedly they should go back sometime.
My heart is still floating in the Seine, Hyunjin posted on Bubble later that night. I have no choice but to get it back next time~~~
Seungmin had shown Felix the post with snarky commentary. Felix saved a screenshot.
“Yes,” Hyunjin says agitatedly. “I know, but it didn’t feel enough. It’s ridiculous, anyway, the painting’s terrible, I didn’t have enough time. I was going to scrap it, but something is better than nothing.”
“You didn’t give me nothing,” Felix protests, but he really wants the painting. “Where is it?”
“In my suitcase- but do you have to-”
Felix leaves Hyunjin’s lap, making him sigh. He carefully lifts the lid of Hyunjin’s suitcase. The painting is immediately visible- packed carefully with glassine paper and bubble wrap. Felix curls his fingers around the edges, pulls it out.
And it’s him. He knows it’s him from the moment he pulls it up. Gentle acrylic, washing the hair dark, flushing the cheeks pale pink. A lot of detail in the eyelashes. Freckles, scattered across the cheeks. Pouty lips.
“What picture did you use?” Felix suddenly feels self conscious. The painting is too pretty. He couldn’t imagine ever looking like that in real life.
“No picture.” Hyunjin blinks. “Just you.”
“Is it really? How you see me? All the time?” Felix’s mouth feels dry. “Oh, Hyunjin.”
“Oh, Felix,” Hyunjin volleys back, like he does when he’s embarrassed. “Stop looking at it. Come here.”
Felix goes back to Hyunjin unresistingly. Face-to-face this time, hands on his shoulders. Hyunjin’s face twitches, like he’s trying not to laugh. His cold fingers ruck up the back of Felix’s cropped shirt, seeking out bare skin.
“I meant it.” Hyunjin’s voice is low.
“What?”
“Don’t wear that shirt, you’ll catch a cold.”
Felix huffs a laugh. He’s definitely been through worse. “It’s not that cold yet. Don’t worry so much.” Hyunjin still looks unamused. “What, you think I look bad in it?”
Hyunjin presses his lips together. “Good. You look good.”
That night, Felix sleeps curled against Hyunjin’s chest. Felix wakes Hyunjin in the middle of the night to accompany him to the ensuite bathroom. Hyunjin makes fun of him for still being scared of It.
When they return, Felix presses his cold feet against Hyunjin’s legs. Hyunjin hisses but wraps his arms tighter.
“So cold.” Hyunjin sighs. It lands on Felix’s neck. “You need to be taken care of.”
“Take care of me, then.”
Hyunjin’s breath shudders behind him.
“I’m sorry, Felix. About shutting you out.” Hyunjin’s voice is fragile, like if Felix breathes wrong, it will break. It’s always been so hard for Hyunjin to talk seriously. Like it hurts. Some electric current that makes him sigh and bite off his words before they’re fully formed. “Usually I’m good at controlling my emotions but once I explode, I’ll keep on thinking of all the difficult times so I really break down then. It’s really hard to pick myself back up, I tend to leave the pieces as it is.”
“It’s fine,” Felix whispers.
“But it’s not,” Hyunjin insists. “I can’t get mad at you. It’s like… it’s like being mad at a child. You can’t. It’s not right. They can’t do anything wrong.”
-
The concert is their best yet. Green lighting, washed over a black stage, their faces projected. They perform their latest tracks. A surprise performance of Stay- Chan hides behind Minho when the crowd sings the explicit version, and Seungmin takes over, cussing freely, beckoning Jeongin to join him.
Felix watches Hyunjin.
The pleased look on his face when Stay screams his lines. His confidence he radiates onstage, glowing like there’s too much of him to fit in one person. Their hands link during the choreography, and Hyunjin tugs on his ponytail, like always. Felix reaches round obligingly to pinch his ass.
At the water break, Hyunjin pulls Felix close with an arm around his shoulders, and empties a bottle of water over both their heads, laughing when Felix sputters. He still can’t bring himself to snap out of it and step away- not until they’re already dripping.
During the last ment, Hyunjin gestures Felix over, mic to his lips.
“I think angels come here,” Hyunjin says in English. His black roots gleam in the green stage lights. His gaze is warm and steady, a slow burn.
Felix grins. His heart gives a painful, wonderful lurch. “Angel?”
“Angel,” Hyunjin confirms. Then, slower, testing the words- “And you’re… angel.”
Felix laughs, bright and surprised. “And I’m angel?”
“Yeah,” Hyunjin says decisively. “Yeah.”
The crowd screams around them, but Felix barely hears it.
-
The return to dorm life settles over Felix like a familiar blanket. Late mornings, a lot of coffee. The steady comfort of being home. Felix wakes to sunlight slicing through the curtains and Jisung already in his kitchen, bed hair defying gravity, scowling at their empty fridge.
Felix works through the tangles with his fingers whilst Jisung complains about Minho abandoning him for a video call with his cats.
“It’s probably got cum in it,” Seungmin snarks from the doorway, and Jisung laughs so hard he folds in half.
It’s later that Seungmin says it.
“I don’t know how Jisung does it.” Felix is sprawled on the bed, Seungmin in the desk chair, spinning idly. Jisung has migrated to the kitchen again, scouring it for any snacks worthy of stealing.
“What?”
“Fucks casually.” Felix winces at the curse, but Seungmin barrels on, as he does. “Like… that’s really unique. Being able to keep a good friendship like that.”
“Yeah,” Felix echoes. Seungmin’s face is strangely pensive. “What’re you thinking, Seungminnie?”
“Minho-hyung has always liked Jisung a lot more than Jisung likes him,” Seungmin says. “Of course, they like each other, but for Minho, it’s always been Jisung.”
Felix frowns. He doesn’t like talking about sad things. Doesn’t like the weight that settles in his chest when he thinks about wanting something someone else can’t give back.
It’s too good to be that with Hyunjin. Rather than something ripped out, it feels like something slotted together. Soft and breathless, a beating heart inserted inside a chest. Oh. That’s what it is. That’s what it’s always been.
“Do you think it’ll be a problem for the group?”
“Probably not.” Seungmin sniffs. “Actually, it definitely wouldn’t be a problem, had it been anyone else in the group. Apart from Hyunjin.”
Felix’s throat clenches. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Seungmin says, “anyone else in the group could hypothetically sleep with anyone, and it would be okay. Channie-hyung, Innie. They’ve all done it. It’s all just… physical.” Seungmin’s voice is heavy with something. Not judgement, but an edge of disbelief. Seungmin has always been able to think rationally.
“You don’t need to be in love with someone to sleep with someone,” Felix points out. “It must be different, right? When you are. When it’s someone you… can’t stop looking at.”
“But you know what kind of guy Hyunjin is, right?” Seungmin eyes him doubtfully through his fringe of two-toned hair. “He’s a romantic. He feels very deeply. If he sleeps with someone, it’s not a fluke. It’s because he wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.”