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“Shadow Milk!”
Shadow Milk jumped, being pulled out of his thoughts.
He was sitting by himself on a lawn chair beside the pool, out of range of the splashes of water, but still close enough to hear the laughs and screams of glee as people pushed each other in.
“Come on, join!” Eternal Sugar continued , beckoning him over.
Shadow Milk shook his head at her, leaning back into the plastic of the chair.
She shrugged and turned to push in Burning Spice.
Shadow wasn’t scared of being pushed in, but he was busy with something else: hating himself.
He painfully returned to the train of thought that he had just been pulled from and pulled his knees up to his chest.
Stupid. Stupid. STUPID. He thought, burying his face in his knees.
If someone were to look at him, they’d think that he was trying to relax, not that he was in full breakdown mode.
He didn’t even know what was wrong with him, he just felt.. different… and wrong. He hated everything about himself, but even if he shape-shifted into another form, the feeling would only be gone temporarily.
He got up before anyone noticed that he’d been in that position for too long and slipped inside of the house. It was his house, but the pool was basically the other Beast’s property. He never used it nowadays, not liking how he looked in bathing suits.
It’s just so stupid, he thought, closing the door to his bedroom and locking the door. Why can’t I be normal? He closed the blinds.
Shadow Milk stepped into the bathroom and closed the door, glancing at his reflection in the mirror. His shoulders were too broad. He shapeshifted into a different form and sighed. He should’;t be so fickle, changing forms every other day.
The scars didn’t help.
He turned away from the mirror and sat down on the ground, pulling out his phone to check his messages.
The Beasts were still outside having fun, but there was a text from Pure Vanilla.
Vanilly ❤️: wyd
You: nothing
Vanilly ❤️: can I come ovr
You: nrn I’m busy
Vanilly ❤️: Alr
Vanilly ❤ ️: u sure ur ok? U seem down lately
You: I’m fine Nilly, thanks for checking up.
Shadow Milk checked his social media and sighed at the sight of much more put together people not crying on the bathroom floor. Was he crying? Yes. Shit.
Why did Pure Vanilla care about him so much? Shadow Milk tried to be outwardly normal to people, and none of his friends could see through his veil of deceit.
None but Pure Vanilla.
Why him? Shadow Milk thought, powering off his phone. He needed to sleep, to escape.
——— ——— ——— ———
Shadow Milk grabbed a bag of chips and a can of Monster, setting them on the counter.
“That’ll be 6 dollars, 18 cent,” the cashier said.
Shadow Milk grabbed his wallet out of his pocket to pay, but stopped short when he saw the contents. Right. Only a lip gloss, a wadded up five, and some pocket lint was in there.
“Never mind,” Shadow Milk muttered, placing the items back on the shelf and leaving the 7-11. He could just steal some of Black Sapphire or Candy Apple’s food if he was hungry. He wasn’t even hungry, really, just broke.
Why did he buy it?
The stupid impulse buy of the expensive top made no sense at all.
It did when he bought it, though. It was cute on the model, but the way it was cropped and matched his hair almost perfectly made him buy it.
It was stupid, he didn’t even wear it once because he was to fucking insecure.
Shadow Milk entered his house and was about to go up the stairs when he stopped and did a double take, for there was a blonde figure on his couch that was most certainly not there before.
“Vanilly?” Shadow Milk asked, “what are you doing here?”
“Black Sapphire let me in,” Pure Vanilla said, “I wanted to know if you are okay,”
“I told you, I’m fine,” Shadow Milk said, starting up the stairs.
Pure Vanilla followed, “listen, I can tell when something is off about you, and I know that something is making you feel bad,”
When should he stop caring? When would Shadow Milk want him to stop caring?
Shadow Milk sighed and entered his room, leaving the door open for Pure Vanilla. He sat on his bed and faced the other, crossing his legs.
“Fine, let’s assume that something’s wrong. What are you going to do?”
Pure Vanilla’s answer was simple, “Support you.”
This cookie.
Shadow Milk wrapped his arms around himself, tucking his knees up to his chin again.
“I dunno,” he started, “I just feel… wrong.”
“Like you did something wrong?” Pure Vanilla asked, “or something else?”
“No, it’s like I don’t feel right in my body,” Shadow Milk said, holding himself tighter, “but not all of the time, if that makes sense.”
Pure Vanilla nodded and sat down on the chair beside the desk.
“It goes up and down,” Shadow Milk said, “and I don’t know how to stop it,” he looked up at Pure Vanilla with tears in his eyes, “is something wrong with me?” How the other got him to open up so quickly was a mystery.
Pure Vanilla reached out to rest his hand on the other’s shoulder. Shadow Milk somehow didn't flinch like he probably would have if it was anyone else.
“Of course not,” Pure Vanilla said, nothing but kindness in his eyes, “you’re just figuring yourself out.”
Shadow Milk sighed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, smiling slightly at the words, “I’m a mess,” he sighed.
“You’re not,” Pure Vanilla said, sitting next to Shadow Milk, “but if you don’t mind me asking, how exactly are you feeling when you’re ‘not feeling right in your body?’”
“I…” Shadow Milik sighed, “ughh it’s so stupid,”
“It’s not stupid,” Pure Vanilla reassured him, “Nobody is judging you,”
Shadow Milk rolled over and buried his face in a pillow, “I feel like..” his voice was muffled, “I want to be a girl,”
Ughhh he sounded so stupid now that it was said out loud. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Pure Vanilla would probably leave him, and he’d never shoot his shot because the healer probably only liked men and-
The feeling of a hand on his shoulder brought him out of his spiral.
“It’s called being genderfluid,” Pure Vanilla said, smiling at Shadow Milk.
“What is?” Shadow Milk asked, brushing his hair out of his eyes.
“Feeling like you’re constantly a different gender,” Pure Vanilla said
“There’s a word for that?” Shadow Milk asked, the redness in his face going away.
Pure Vanilla nodded and Shadow Milk smiled softly as the pieces clicked together slowly. Fuck that, dismorphia, he- no not he. Maybe they were a demi-girl thought, sitting up straighter.
“I dunno,” Pure Vanilla said, “it was sort of similar when I figured out that I was pansexual. I thought that you could only like one gender or the other, and I was very conflicted when I liked people of all genders.”
“I thought you only liked men,” Shadow Milk said, their face growing a darker shade of blue.
Pure Vanilla smiled, “No, I don’t like people for how they dress or look. It’s for their personalities.” He chuckled slightly.
“So, just hypothetically speaking…” Shadow Milk started, “would you like a person like me like that? Hypothetically, of course.”
“Well you were the person I’m looking for, then yeah,” Pure Vanilla said, “hypothetically.”
“So, hypothetically,” Shadow Milk said, “do you like me like that?”
Pure Vanilla smiled, “are you asking if I want to be your partner?”
Shadow Milk blushed. Pure Vanilla was her longtime crush. “Maaaybe…”
Pure Vanilla leaned in and pecked a quick kiss on the side of the other’s cheek, just above the corner of their mouth. “I accept.”
Shadow Milk smiled and turned in to kiss the other on his mouth fully. The other’s face was bright red.
They started to pull away, unsure, when Pure Vanilla took her face in his hands and pressed his lips to Shadow Milk’s. All of their pent up feelings mingling together as their mouths melded into one.
Shadow Milk opened her mouth, feeling the sigh of air as the other began to explore their mouth with his tongue.
In a sudden rush of emotion, Pure Vanilla pushed Shadow Milk down onto the bed, pressing them into the mattress. Shadow Milk just accepted it, wrapping their arms around the other’s neck.
Eventually, Shadow Milk pulled away to catch her breath. Pure Vanilla sat up carefully, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking and-”
“I liked kissing you,” Shadow Milk said, cutting the blonde off.
Pure Vanilla smiled, “I’ve always wanted to kiss you,” Wait. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.
“You know what? Same.” Shadow Milk’s old smile was back, they weren't feeling depressed, at least.
Shadow Milk scooted over to Pure Vanilla and rested their head on his lap.
Pure Vanilla really didn’t expect the day to go like this, but he didn’t mind. Shadow Milk finally opened up to him, at least.