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“Nick! Diane’s here to see you!”
Nick paused his movie, frowning at the sound of his mother’s voice calling up to him. Why was his aunt here to see him? He just got home a few hours ago from a night of babysitting his cousins. Had he done something wrong? He thought back over the evening, trying to pinpoint anything she could be here to lecture him about. He’d made sure his aunt and uncle came home to a clean house, picking up and putting away the toys the toddlers had left strewn about and vacuuming up the crumbs they’d left in the wake of their frequent snack sessions. He’d bathed them both and wrangled them into their pajamas and gotten them to bed at a decent time. Sure, he’d been an hour late with that, unable to resist when they begged him to read them one more bedtime story, but he’d sworn them to secrecy, and he didn’t think they would have tattled on him. He hadn’t broken anything or stolen any precious family heirlooms. So why was Diane here?
He made his way downstairs, finding his mum and aunt seated together on the living room couch, voices low as they talked intently about something. He was pretty sure he heard his name, but he couldn’t make out any other individual words. They looked up and fell silent as soon as he entered, and his mum stood and gestured for him to sit next to Diane. “Have a seat, Nicky. Diane has something she wants to talk to you about.” She shared a look with her sister that Nick knew held some sort of secret message. His mum and aunt were so good at communicating through looks and facial expressions, able to have entire conversations without uttering a single word.
“I better get back to work. The laundry isn’t going to fold itself!” his mum said in a sing-song voice. She kissed the top of Nick’s head before mussing up his hair. Nick shot her a look, combing his fingers through his locks to arrange them back into some semblance of order before turning to face his aunt.
“Nick,” Diane started, her tone neutral and face unreadable.
“Am I in trouble?” he blurted out before she could say anything else.
Diane startled. “Trouble? Of course not, Nick, what made you think that?”
“Oh, uh…” He shrugged. “I dunno, I just…didn’t know why you wanted to talk to me. I just assumed I’d done something wrong and you were here to tell me I couldn’t babysit the twins anymore.” He looked down at his lap, feeling a bit self-conscious that he’d assumed the worst and that the only possible reason his aunt could be here was to scold him and ban him from watching his cousins.
Diane laid a hand on his arm. “Oh, Nick, that couldn’t be further from the truth! The twins absolutely adored having you watch them last night. They won’t shut up about you, actually! Every other word out of their mouths is Nick.”
Nick flushed with pride. At 15 years old, he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do when he grew up, but part of him thought he might like to do something with kids. Coach maybe, or even teach. He was good with kids, and they liked him. Or at least, the ones who were related to him did.
“I’m actually here because you forgot something.” Diane reached into her purse and pulled out a pill bottle. A cold dread settled in Nick’s stomach, and he vaguely felt like he might throw up. “I found them in the upstairs bathroom.” She held the bottle out toward him.
“Those aren’t mine,” he said quickly.
His aunt cocked her head. “Nick, who else’s would they be?”
“They’re…uh…my girlfriend’s!” Nick exclaimed, snatching the bottle from his aunt and shoving it into the pocket of his hoodie. “She…um…came over last night after the twins were asleep, and we watched a movie together. She must have forgotten them. I’ll make sure to give them back to her.”
“Nick,” his aunt said gently. “You don’t have a girlfriend.”
“I…I do. She’s…a secret. Yeah, I…uh…haven’t told anyone about her, not even Mum.” He squirmed, feeling his aunt’s intense stare boring into him, but he had to commit to this lie, convince her it was true. “It’s uh…pretty new, us dating. Her coming over to watch a movie was like, our official first date. Something low-key, you know? So it wasn’t intimidating. I felt like going to a proper cinema would have been a bit much, and I can’t afford to take her somewhere nice for dinner. Although, maybe after a few more babysitting gigs, I could.” He shut his mouth, realizing he was just babbling now, flying by the seat of his pants as he tried desperately to make it seem like his pretend omega girlfriend was legit.
Diane laughed softly, a bemused expression on her face. “You’re a terrible liar, darling. Nick, those are clearly your suppressants. Your name is on the label.”
“No, they’re…” Fuck, what excuse could he make up now? Nick felt his eyes pooling with tears before one spilled over the edge of his waterline and trailed down his cheek. He stared down at the floor, fists clenched tight, willing himself to disappear.
“Nick?”
He finally looked up, seeing his aunt’s concerned face watching him. Another tear escaped, this one streaking down the other cheek. “Fine. Yeah, they’re mine. Surprise, I’m an omega.” He spat the last word out, hating it, hating what it meant, hating himself for being it.
“Oh, darling…” The next thing he knew, Nick felt his aunt’s arms enveloping him, and he fell forward against her, sobbing into her blouse. She rocked him, much like his mum used to do when he was little. “Let it out, Nick, it’s okay.” He cried until he could barely breathe, hiccupping and gasping as his aunt rubbed slow circles into his back, murmuring softly. He couldn’t hear the words past the sounds of his weeping, but the tone was soothing, like a balm on a burn.
When Nick’s tears finally subsided, he pulled back from his aunt’s embrace, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He looked down at her ruined blouse, all tear-stained and snotty. “Sorry,” he mumbled, not sure if he was apologizing for the blouse, for being an omega, for lying to her, or a little bit of everything.
His aunt reached back into her bag and pulled out a package of tissues. “Here,” she said. He took the pack gratefully and plucked out a tissue, blowing his nose and drying his tears.
“Thanks.”
Diane gave him a small smile. “You’re welcome. Now, why don’t we talk about why revealing your secondary gender to me caused such a strong emotional response?”
Nick sighed. Curse Diane and her psychiatric degree. “Do we have to?” He winced at the sound of his voice, all whiny and weak.
“Well, no, but I think it would help you, Nick. I get the feeling that you are deeply ashamed of being an omega, so much so that you would go as far as to lie to your sweet, caring aunt, making up some ridiculous story about a fake girlfriend in order to try to hide your secondary gender. Is that accurate – are you ashamed?”
Nick nodded miserably.
“Let’s unpack that. Why do you feel ashamed of your secondary gender?”
“Am I getting charged for this?” he asked, attempting levity. “Or is this a free psychiatric session?”
Diane laughed. “Sorry, dear. It’s hard for me to turn that part of myself off. But I do think you’d benefit from talking about it. You seem to have a lot bottled up inside. Have you talked to your mum about it at all?”
Nick rolled his eyes. “Mum is constantly telling me how wonderful it is to be an omega and I don’t have to feel ashamed about it and there’s nothing wrong with it but…” He shrugged.
“But?” his aunt prompted.
“But it’s…easier for her. She looks like an omega. I don’t. People take one look at me and think, Alpha. I’m athletic, I’m strong, I’m muscular, I play rugby. There’s this expectation that my secondary gender should match my appearance, and it doesn’t. And so… I don’t want people to be let down if they find that out, or worse yet, feel like I misled them intentionally.”
“Nick, you do know that appearance doesn’t have a direct correlation with secondary gender, correct?” Diane said. “Studies have debunked that. Stereotypes persist of course, because the human mind is constantly looking for patterns, ways to group things together in order to make sense of the world, and yes, many omegas fit one particular set of physical characteristics and alphas fit another. But that isn’t the case for everyone.”
Nick sighed. His aunt was right, but it still didn’t quiet the thoughts in his head. “I just…thought my life would be different. That I would be different,” he said softly. “Ever since I presented, I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be.” A lot of that had to do with the very confusing fact that his heats weren’t normal and he had never once experienced sexual desire during them, but there was no way in hell he was about to bring that up with his aunt.
“Nick, you’re 15. Everyone feels that way at your age. You’re not supposed to have it all figured out yet. It’s okay to be learning new things about yourself, to not know how you fit into the world. Your identity is something that is constantly changing. I know it’s a little scary and confusing, but trust me. Someday you will look back on the person you are now and barely recognize him. And it’ll be okay.”
Nick swallowed hard around the lump in his throat and nodded. He didn’t trust himself to say anything, afraid that all that would come out would be a sob. He’d done enough crying today, thank you very much, and all this vulnerability had him feeling a bit too exposed for comfort.
“Can we also talk about why you felt the need to lie to me? Besides, of course, the desire to protect yourself and keep your identity a secret. I’m sensing there’s more to it than that.”
Damn, his aunt was good. She saw right through him. Guess that was what made her such a great psychiatrist; she had a true gift for reading people. “Um…well…I guess I was worried how you might react. That you…wouldn’t accept me.”
Diane placed a hand on his knee and squeezed lightly. “And why would you think that, Nick? Have I ever made you feel like I couldn’t be trusted with something like this?”
Nick shook his head. “No…but…I just…” He sighed heavily. He didn’t know how to talk about this.
“Take your time, darling.”
Nick was silent for several minutes, Diane’s hand never straying from his knee, its weight a comforting reminder that his aunt cared about him. “I guess I was worried that you’d see me differently, if you found out I was an omega. That’s why I’m so afraid of anyone finding out my secondary gender. I don’t want to be treated like a completely different person, but I know the minute I start telling people I’m an omega, I will cease to exist as the Nick I am currently. And that…really scares me. I don’t want you to see me as weak and…and less worthy of love.” His bottom lip trembled traitorously, but he refused to start crying again.
“Nick, there is no universe in which I would ever, ever think you are weak or less worthy of love because you’re an omega.” She moved the hand from his knee and placed both hands on either side of Nick’s face, guiding his head up to meet her gaze. “I love you so much, Nick. Your secondary gender has no effect on how I feel about you. And while your concerns about being seen differently are valid, if the people in your life don’t accept you as you are and don’t continue to treat you as they did prior to knowing your secondary gender, then those people don’t deserve to be in your life.”
A fresh wave of tears collected in the corners of his eyes and threatened to fall. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I…really needed to hear that.”
“In my opinion, omegas are the kindest, sweetest, gentlest souls alive. But they are also so strong and resilient, the true backbones of our society. It’s a bit of a controversial thing to say as an alpha, but I truly believe it. We alphas are nothing without our omega counterparts. I feel so proud to have yet another omega in my life. My husband, my sister, and now my nephew.” She pulled Nick into another hug, and Nick lost the battle against his tears as the dam broke and they flooded down his face.
Once he had pulled himself together again and gone through another several tissues from Diane’s pack, his aunt said, “I really appreciate you opening up to me, Nick. I know this wasn’t easy. I’m very proud of you.”
She stood, grabbing her purse and laying a hand on his shoulder. “If you ever want to talk about this more, I’m here for you. Don’t keep all these feelings bottled up; it’s not healthy, you know.”
Nick rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”
“I’m serious, Nick. If you want, I can set you up with a colleague of mine who specializes in secondary gender based therapy. It might be beneficial for you to work through some of your negative feelings and insecurities around your secondary gender, to help you not only get to a place of acceptance but of pride. I want you to love yourself as much as those around you do, to embrace this part of yourself and see it in a more positive light.”
The thought of pouring out his complicated feelings around his secondary gender with a total stranger made Nick’s skin crawl. This impromptu, unofficial therapy session with his psychiatrist aunt was emotionally draining enough. But his mother raised him to be polite, so he said, “Yeah, maybe. I’ll think about it.”
Diane’s phone pinged. She pulled it out of her bag and sighed. “The twins have evidently gone on a hunger strike because their dad didn’t cut their sandwiches into fun shapes.”
“Oops,” said Nick guiltily. “That might be my fault. I found some cookie cutters in the cabinet and thought it would be cute to cut the bread with them, and well…”
His aunt tsked, smiling. “You set the bar far too high, Nicholas Nelson. I might not have you back to babysit after all… Now I have to go home and deal with the spoiled monsters you’ve created.” She leaned down and hugged him again. “Thank you again for watching them. And thank you for talking with me. I love you.”
“Love you too, Diane.”