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The sauna was Mondo's sacred place.
It was the place he went to, to cool off after a long day of dealing with his annoying classmates. It was the place where at the edge of hell, he and his bro had sealed their manly bond, securing a life long friendship that made his school days so much more bearable than it had been before. It was a place that he found himself returning to when life just became too much.
It was a place that Daiya would have loved.
A place that Daiya would have appreciated so much more than he does.
It was a place that his own thoughts convinced him that Daiya should be the one sat there right now instead of him.
Today was one of those days.
The days where no matter what he was doing, his mind would be plagued with these intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that time and time again, without fail, would put him in a blind panic.
Because he knew that they were right about everything.
Nothing could distract him from them. No matter what he was doing. No matter where he was, or who he was hanging out with at that point in time. These thoughts always crept up into the back of his mind.
'You should be the one in a grave, not him'
He knows it's true. He's always said it. He's sure his mother thinks it too.
Daiya has been everything he wasn't. He was cool and collected; popular and always got along with people. He was more of a leader than Mondo could ever hope to be, and he fucking knew it.
He should be the one who's dead right now. He doesn't need to be reminded of that every damn day. Yet, his brain likes to remind him of such.
Every. Single. Day.
The thoughts never go away. It was inevitable that Mondo would think of him. Why wouldn't he? Daiya was his brother. He practically raised him up to be the man he was today.
And some 'man' he is.
A man that yells when he's nervous and can't pull any girls. A man that get's into fights for no reason and upsets the people he cares about. A man that under so much pressure, decided that killing his own brother was better than accepting any of his weaknesses.
No, it wasn’t 'pressure'.
It was Jealousy.
He was a coward that can't own up to his own actions, even now.
Nobody truly knows what happened that day. Not his closest gang members, not even his closest friends. Not even his own mother.
Nobody had to know this. Mondo would be ruined if people knew this, his legacy, and the gangs’ would come crashing down alongside him. So like a record player, his mind would be the one to remind him, just in case he forgot why he was even here in the first place.
The steam from the sauna did nothing to subdue his clouded thoughts. Usually his bro would be here with him to distract him of the pain. But not today. Mondo is alone. Just as he should be. He deserves to be alone.
He doesn't deserve to have friends. He doesn't deserve to be in this school, just like he doesn't deserve to be happy.
Daiya deserved to live so much more than he did.
Suddenly it's getting hard to breathe. He wonders if this is how Daiya felt as he took his final breaths whilst Mondo held him in his arms. Except there was no one to hold Mondo in their arms. He had only the increasing heat and steam to comfort him.
Good.
He deserves it.
Drops of sweat poured from his body onto the hard floor. His breaths became ragged and his heart was beating at a thousand miles an hour. His hair had completely flattened out at this point, along with the 'manly' persona that came along with it.
His body continued to shake like a leaf as he attempted to stand from the bench. His knees threatened to buckle under his weight. He's sure he looked pathetic right now, but it was hard to care when he was too busy trying to catch his breath. His sweaty hands just about managed to to catch himself against the wall beside him.
He can't even think anymore. His brain is clouded. It's too hot in here. He can't even breath.
He just wants his brother back.
A sudden noise brought him back to his senses. Loud, indistinguishable noises were coming closer and closer to where he was. The closer they came, the more Mondo was able to hear what they were. They were voices he knew very well. It was hard to mistake that boisterous coach’s laugh, and the obnoxious bragging of a certain red headed boy.
His breath hitched.
He can't let them see him like this. Not like this. Never like this.
His legs were already leading him out of that damned place before he had time to comprehend it.
His sharp breaths were far more distinct now that he was in the quiet corridor. He wasn't sure how he hasn't collapsed yet. He can't help but think that fainting would be a far better fate than having to go through this.
It had never gotten this bad before. He hadn't felt like this since the funeral. He should be over this already. He should be over the panic attacks. He should be over the random flashbacks of his brother’s death coming back to him any time he felt at peace. He should be over the all-too-realistic nightmares of that day torturing him each night.
Jesus christ, if he keeps this up he’s sure to end up right along with him. He needs to calm down. But it's still too hot. Even in the cold corridors. It's too hot.
How the hell is anyone supposed to calm down in a situation like this?!
*click clack*
Mondo could hear faint footsteps in the distance.
*click clack*
They’re coming closer.
Mondo doesn't move. He doesn't have the energy. All he can do is stand there, praying that the steps fade away so he can try and gather his thoughts together.
"Kyoudai?"
Mondo doesn't turn.
"Kyoudai why are you standing in a towel? You know that is against school policy!"
He can't move.
He doesn't wan't anyone to see him like this.
But he can't move.
He can't do anything.
Suddenly the steps stop. A firm hand is placed onto his shoulder. A familiar hand. The hand of a man he has grown to trust over the years.
"Kyoudai are you listening to me?"
Mondo couldn't respond. His throat was clenched. It felt like thorns were stabbing his neck. The only response he could muster were pathetic squeaks as the sharp inhalations of breaths quickened.
It was then that his bro realised.
"K-kyoudai? Kyoudai are you alright?!"
Unable to talk, Mondo shook his head aggressively, tears he didn't even know had built up began falling down his face.
"What's the matter bro?!"
He offered no response.
Tears continued to fall down his face. He doesn't even try to wipe them away. There's no point. It's too late. His bro has already seen how weak he is.
"H-hey it's going to be alright! Uh- why don't we go to my room so you can tell me what's wrong? Would you like that?"
Taka spoke loud and clearly, but the soft tone of his words was something Mondo had never expected to hear. They pierced through the aggressive, jumbled thoughts telling him all these terrible things.
But it wasn't like Mondo had the time to appreciate that. All he could do is nod as he was led to his best friends room.
"Please excuse the mess, I haven't had time to tidy my room as of late."
Taka kicked his book bag to the side. His revision notes swishing across the room as they fell out. Such calming noise went unheard by Mondo. All he could hear was ringing. Loud, piercing ringing.
Mondo sat on the bed. He can't even see anything. The water pouring from his eyes made sure of that. All he could do is stare at the ground in shame as his vision remained blurred.
The only senses he could comprehend was his sense of touch. He became somewhat relieved when he felt a pair of strong hands grounding him on the bed.
"Kyoudai, can you feel this?"
No response.
"Mondo, tell me what you feel... please"
His throat still felt like it was closing in on itself, so Mondo simply placed his hands on top of the cold ones holding onto his shoulders.
"Alright that's good! Mondo you're breathing very rapidly, I need you to try and steady your breathing okay? Try to calm down for me."
Mondo always listened to his bro.
Taking his advice, he squeezed his eyes shut. He took long, hard breaths, just as his kyoudai was instructing him to. Already he could feel his panic subside, but his heart was still racing like a motherfucker.
"Good. You're doing very well Mondo. Do you feel any better now?"
Mondo nodded slowly.
"Alright, I'll go get you some water, keep breathing like that, okay? I'll be right back!"
When he felt the hands lifting from his shoulders, that feeling of safety and security began to lift as well.
Mondo desperately clung onto them.
"Don’t... please don't... not yet...."
His voice cracked as he spoke. God, he sounded so pathetic. But he couldn't afford to care anymore. His kyoudai would never judge him. They were bros. He trusts his bro. His bro would never leave him.
"O-okay then, I'll stay here a while longer"
Taka's hands returned to Mondo's shoulders, but Mondo didn't remove his hands. They stayed like that for a while. Taka would give Mondo instructions.
"Try to think about the things you can see, the things you can feel. Think about where you are right now bro."
"I'm.... in yer room"
"Exactly! You aren't trapped inside that head of yours anymore. Physically, you are here with me! Whatever worries have plagued your mind should mean nothing to you right now. You are here with me bro, and I won't leave you until you feel better!"
Mondo opened his eyes. Sure enough, he was indeed in his bro's room right now. He could feel the comfort of the mattress underneath him. He could smell the familiar smell of Coconut and coffee in the air. And more importantly, he could see the determined look on his bro's face as he held onto his shoulders. Taka smiled when he noticed Mondo was able to look at him in the eyes.
Mondo just prayed that he couldn't see the haunting secret he was keeping within his soul.
"See bro, you've already made progress! Do you feel a little better now?"
"...Uh huh"
"Great, now would you like for me to get you some water or would you like for me to stay a while longer?"
"uh... y-yeah, I think I need a drink"
"Okie dokie!"
Taka, as swift as ever, retrieved a water bottle from his bag and offered it to Mondo. His voice was hoarse and felt dry from all of the crying.
"Here, take this water bro!"
Wordlessly, Mondo took the water, chugging down the whole thing like he had been dehydrated for days. Finally the thoughts have stopped. The ringing subsided and for the most part, he truly felt like he was fine.
He's fine now.
"Sorry for freakin' out, that's... that's never happened to me before..."
"It's no problem Kyoudai! I was really worried! Are you sure you feel better? Would you like me to run you a bath to cool off?"
Mondo shook his head.
You don't deserve him.
"Yer.... yer too good to me man"
"Mondo don't say such things! It is you who are too good for me!"
His bro smiled, but Mondo couldn't smile back.
"No. No I ain't man. I don't deserve you I...."
You don't deserve anything.
The panic he had thought had subsided started to build up again. Taking notice of this, Taka knelt down to his level once again.
"Mondo, listen to me. You mean the world to me, don't you ever let anything convince you otherwise! I- I don't know what it is you are dealing with right now, but I know that you will be able to overcome it!"
God dammit.
Don't cry. Don't break down.
"So please, tell me what is the matter? I promise that whatever it is I will not judge you for. I want to help you in any way that I can!"
He spoke firmly. Not an ounce of pity or condescension was heard in his voice.
Just pure support.
Support that he never thought he would ever get to have in his life.
"I-it's just- I-"
Suddenly, all of the barriers that Mondo had spent years to build had cracked open.
"I just, I really miss my brother man..."
Mondo couldn't stop the tears from falling even if he tried.
Years of self loathing and hatred suddenly poured out of his soul in waves. All he could do was curl up into himself on Taka's bed and cry.
"I'm such a piece of shit bro, I've done so many horrible things to people- I don't deserve to be here!"
"Bro, you are not a 'Piece of shit'! You are a wonderful human being! Sure you've made mistakes, we all have, but those mistakes do not define you as a person! You deserve to be here just as much as everyone else does!"
"No I don't Taka! All I do is let everyone down- All I do is hurt people- It's like you said, all I do is use my talent to hurt people-"
Taka gasped. They swore to never bring up the time before they became bros. The times where neither understood the other. The times that neither of them liked each other. Taka's hands returned to his shoulders once more, this time far more aggressively.
"Mondo don't you dare say that! You know that I only said that before I got to know the REAL you, so don't you ever bring back old things I said! Because I realise that now NONE of what I said is accurate! I- I may not know why you are feeling this way about yourself... but- but if what I said is making you feel this way- then I can NEVER forgive myself!"
Well done Mondo. Now you've made your best friend cry.
"S-shit bro- I'm sorry- I didn't mean it like that-"
"Then why? Why are you saying all these cruel things about yourself Mondo?! Help me understand! I don't like seeing you think so lowly of yourself! I can't bear to see you hurting like this bro!"
Taka waited for a response. Tears were now spilling from his face as he stared at Mondo. The silence was deafening. Mondo would prefer the ringing in his ears if it meant he didn't have to feel the room becoming so tense. He could feel Taka's eyes on him, waiting expectantly for his answer. He knows his bro hates secrets. But there is no way he can tell him about this. But Taka isn't going to accept any excuses.
"It's because I'm weak"
"w-what..?"
"I- I'm so fuckin weak Taka... you were right from the start. You were so fuckin right..."
"Mondo, you are anything but weak-!"
Mondo stood up, suddenly he was face to face to his teary eyed Kyoudai.
"If I weren't so weak then my brother would be ALIVE right now! But he ain't here anymore- because I'm fuckin WEAK Taka!"
Taka stared in shock.
"My own brother's dead because of me."
"Mondo.... I-"
For once his kyoudai was left speechless.
Now he knows. Now his Kyoudai knows how truly weak he is. Now he knows how much of a monster he is.
It's strange how he didn't catch on sooner. He was the person he was the closest with after he killed his brother.
"Mondo... why do you think that? What happened with your brother was an accident! I don't understand why you are still blaming yourself for this!”
Don't tell him.
He will hate you if you tell him.
Mondo's mouth opened and closed for what felt like minutes. He doesn't know how to respond.
So he answered with silence.
"You don't have to tell me. I can't even imagine the pain you've gone through and- and I feel like such a bad friend for not realising it sooner! And I'm so sorry about that bro!"
"No bro, don't blame yerself for this! You ain't got nothin' to be sorry for! You are the best damn friend a man could ever have! You've always been there for me, even tho half the time I don't deserve it. Yer the one of the only people I know I can trust in the whole world, so don't you think yer a bad friend because of my shitty problems, okay?!"
Taka nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"I just wish I knew how to make you see you the way I do."
......
"S-shit man I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset ya- I-"
"No bro it's okay, I know how much your brother meant to you."
"He'd be so disappointed in me man."
Taka gripped tighter on his shoulders. It was almost as if he was begging for him to believe his words.
"No he wouldn't Mondo! He would be very proud of you! Look at how far you've come! Your grades have improved, you've learnt to control your temper, and you even have a plan for your future! That is why I am sure, no, why I KNOW for a fact that your brother is looking down upon you with a smile on his face and pride in his soul! So don't you ever forget that, got it!?"
All Mondo could do is stare at him doubtfully. He felt so guilty to watch his bro's face drop for a third time because of him.
"Mondo.... please believe me! You have come so far and you deserve every right to live! You aren't just some delinquent who uses his talent to hurt others, if anything it is the opposite! You were the one helped Chihiro gain the confidence he needed to become stronger! Sure, you have a tendency to break the rules, but when it all comes down to it you are strong man with who truly cares about the people around you, and I think that alone makes you anything but weak! In fact, you were the first person to ever treat me with such unconditional kindness! I truly wouldn't know where I would be if it wasn't for you, so don't you ever speak so poorly of yourself again, do you understand me?!"
Mondo nodded.
"Now get over here so I can give you a hug!"
Mondo didn't even have the time to take a step towards his bro before he was swooped into a passionate embrace. He never wanted to be the one who made his bro cry. He promised himself he'd rather be dead than to do such a thing. But given the circumstances he felt that he should just forgive himself for the time being. It's the least he could do for himself right now. The way Taka spoke made him think that maybe, just maybe, he was being too hard on himself.
He had spent so long focusing on all the bad parts of himself, that he hadn't even considered that he even had any good parts. He leaned into the hug, clinging tightly to the back of his best friend. Maybe this was what he needed all along. He never broke his walls down for anyone, but if this is what comes after; peace and comfort, then maybe Mondo wouldn't be so hesitant to do so again with the people he trusted.
His rested on his bro's shoulders as the last of his tears washed away. He's sure his bro wouldn't appreciate the tears on his clean uniform, but under these circumstances, he's sure he wouldn't mind.
All at once, it felt like all of his worries, all of his fear, had temporarily been washed away. It almost made him forget that he was still only wearing a towel. For once he felt that maybe, just maybe, things would get better for him.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for alla this bro... I feel better now"
"You have nothing to apologise for bro! Just please- never speak ill of yourself! You are worth so much more than realise! You truly are very important to me!"
"T-thanks, you mean a lot to me too bro"
The two of them stood opposite each other, both of them wiping away at their tears. It was silent once more, but it wasn't awkard. It was just pure comfortable silence. There were no words to express what they had just experienced. So for a while, nothing was said between the two.
That was until Mondo finally broke the silence.
"Thanks for bringing me out of that bro, I seriously don't know what I woulda' done without you"
"It's not a problem at all bro! I'm just glad I was able to help you! Please don't be afraid to come to me for help if you ever feel like that again, I am always willing to help you so long as you need to me to!"
"Yeah, I will. H-how did you know what to do?"
"Hm?"
"Well y'know... when I started freakin' out and shit, how did you know that getting me to think about my surroundings or whatever would help me outta that?"
"Oh! Well that's just something I learnt from experience!"
Experience? His bro experiences these too? Jesus, that makes him feel really shitty. His bro goes through this hell without anybody being there to help him break out of it? Mondo will make sure to change that from now on.
"Well, I myself have had my fair share of panic attacks, but it is my father that has them regularly. It frightened me at first, seeing him freaking out of no-where! So I took it upon myself to research methods to help him cope."
"Oh, Shit really? Wait, so does that shit happen like, randomly? All the time?"
"Yes, that is why I worry about him when I cannot be with him, like when I'm at this school. But we call regularly and he seems to be fine as of late!"
"Yer a real great person Kyoudai."
Taka’s face reddened as he fumbled with his collar. As someone who was always giving out praise, it seems he still wasn't used to receiving any in return.
Mondo should be the one to change that too.
"T-thankyou kyoudai, that really means a lot to me!"
"I mean it, you really are somethin' special bro. And.... you know you can always come to me if you ever go through somethin' like that too, right?"
"Oh, absolutely! You are my first option for everything bro! You know that"
Mondo blushed.
He wasn't used to being a first option...
"H-heh, thanks bro.."
As always, that damn night-time announcement interrupted the two during important discussions.
"Well, I guess I should prolly get outta your hair now.... and go get my clothes from the locker"
"Oh don't speak like that brother! You act as if your a burden, WHICH I have already stated that you aren't"
"Heh, yeah, thanks bro, I really appreciate alla this, really."
"Of course! That's what brothers are for right?!"
"Yeah... that's what brothers are for."
He doesn't deserve him.
"And don't worry bro, I won't write you a slip for indecent dress this time! Just be sure not to have a panic attack in the sauna again. Ha ha ha!"
Mondo laughed.
"Thanks man"
He truly doesn't deserve him.