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It had been years since the incident.
Yet somehow, it managed to find Nene and haunt her again at the worst time possible.
The nightmare about that day had shaken her up so much, she couldn’t just sit there with her anxiety consuming her a minute longer. She had to do something to calm herself down. Though, she was pretty groggy, and she was too tired to move around too much. She wanted to stay in her room, and playing a game just didn’t sound appealing.
Instead, she remembered something else she could do.
Nene looked for where she hid her razor blades. One of them looked relatively unused and in good condition. It would work. She’s doing this again for the first time in months.
She thought about the times she had seen Rui’s scars on his arms and thighs over the past year. Nene never pointed them out, but she couldn’t help but dwell on how deep looking they all were. The ones she could see were all purplish and wide.
Why couldn’t she ever go that deep?
She almost felt a bit jealous of those scars.
She also saw a significantly large, yet faded vertical scar on his right arm. She wondered if it was from a failed suicide attempt and the thought of it made her sick. If she just tried harder to help him, or even heard him trying to kill himself, she could’ve run over to try and stop him.
But that didn’t matter anymore.
He’s alive now, and they’re working together….
But she’ll never be good enough.
She felt as if she was just going to mess everything up again.
What’s the point if she can’t even cut herself right? Most of her scars from when she was in that other troupe have faded fully, and the ones that were still on her were barely visible.
What’s the point if she can’t even suffer right?
She had to at least try to do better.
Before she even realized she was, her skirt was lifted up and she was already cutting herself again.
A shallow one
Another shallow one
Another
More and more scratches all of over her leg.
I’m so weak, I crumble over something so small, but I can’t even do *that* right.
It was a double edged blade. Nene pressed her thumb against the other side. It hurt, but she stared at her leg again. She hoped to apply pressure this time. She stared and stared and bit her lip. She had to close her eyes to trick herself into doing it.
She counted down in her head.
3…
2..
1
And she swiped as fast as she could while vaguely pressing down. She opened her eyes.
It was hard to tell due to how fast the blood was rushing, but she could definitely see white and it was gaping open. Finally, something that would leave a scar…
And again. The second time wasn’t as deep, but it still gaped open unlike the others.
And a third time, it was deeper than the first 2. She could clearly see the white this time when she opened her eyes. Maybe even a bit of yellow, but it was hard to tell.
Seeing it like that finally made her feel better. She looked at her thumb that she used to apply pressure and it was cut and bleeding as well. She accidentally ended up getting some blood on her skirt and her bedsheets.
To Nene, it still felt as if it wasn’t enough.
But being in this state of bleeding out was somewhat comforting. Middle school was a bad time for her. And she would cut and cut herself. It brought her a feeling of comfort, and that feeling of comfort is the one thing Nene would gladly go back to from that time.
Fuck, I can’t still perform, I can’t do it, not like this..
No, I can’t say that. I have to keep going. I can’t let them down.
I still have to succeed…!
She got up to get a bandage for her thumb. Maybe after she could clean up the blood from her bedsheets. Or just leave it and go back to sleep. She definitely had to clean her clothes, though.
She didn’t really want the others to see her like this.