Work Text:
A/N:
Hey, back again. Will probably be back soon.
Mike Queerler, I am in your walls.
Wrote this instead of sleeping, don't mind me.
~~~
July 31, 1985
Hey Will
Sorry if this is awkward. I don’t really know how to write letters. I wrote Dustin one last summer while he was away at camp and when he got back he said that it sucked. So I hope this doesn’t suck. I wish you were here. If you were here, we’d probably be sitting in my basement just like always. Or maybe not. Maybe I’d be hanging out with El. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you this summer. I should have. I guess I just got distracted. But I promise I’m going to write you so many letters that it’ll be like we’re not even apart! Except, letters take forever to send and I probably won’t get your reply for another two weeks. Annoying.
I hope your drive went well. I can just imagine you sitting in the passenger’s seat of Jonathan’s car drawing in your notebook. I hope you draw all the things you see on your road trip so that I can see them when I come and visit you. You’re such a great artist that it’ll be just as good as photographs! I guess Jonathan might take photos too but I don’t care. Photographs are boring. They just show you what your eyes already see but your art is better than that. Your art shows what you see. I wonder what I look like through your eyes.
You only left yesterday but it already feels like you’ve been gone for weeks. Is that weird? Hawkins just isn’t the same without you. I keep catching myself reaching for my radio or turning my head. I keep expecting you to be there but you’re not. I can’t remember the last time you weren’t just there. Actually, yes I can. It was the week you went missing.
And now I’ve definitely made things weird. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I brought that up. I don’t know why I’ve written any of this. I’ll probably just throw this letter away and try again tomorrow.
From
Mike
~~~
August 7, 1985
Dear Will
I’m sorry I haven’t sent you any letters yet. I keep meaning to but my mom started going to this new workout class and she always makes me watch Holly while she’s away which is stupid because she’s Nancy’s sister too but Mom says that she’s trying to give Nancy more ‘independence’. Whatever. It doesn’t really matter. They’re just lame excuses. I’m just trying to say that I know I should have written to you by now. I was hoping to send one by Wednesday so that it’d get there the day you guys were supposed to arrive in Lenora. I don’t know. Maybe it’s stupid but I guess I just liked the idea of it waiting for you when you got there. Like a welcome home present. You probably don’t care about that though.
I bet you’re having a great time in California. I bet you’re enjoying the sun and the warmer weather. It’s a lot better than Hawkins, isn’t it? I just don’t want you to forget that Hawkins can be nice too. I know we don’t have beaches and palm trees or anything. But we have the Indiana State Fair and Pizza King and the color green. I heard there’s hardly any green in California because it’s so sunny all the time that the grass is burnt and brown. I think it’d be sad to be in a place that doesn’t have a lot of green. Not that I hope you’re sad.
I mean, I hope you’re a little sad because I am too. I don’t know why but everything just seems so much worse now. I’m bored all the time. And Dustin and Lucas are great. And Max is fine, I guess. But I guess we’re all just feeling depressed or something. Maybe it’s just because summer is almost over.
I don’t want to go back to school. Mr. Clarke had to cancel AV Club this year because the school cut its funding which is total bullshit because the cheerleaders just got all new uniforms and the last ones weren’t even that old! It’s like the only things people care about are being pretty and popular, but I don’t even know why because all of those people are usually boring or stupid or both!
Sorry. I don’t mean to complain. I just hate everyone at that school. They all look at me like I’m sort of freak, and maybe I am but I don’t get why that’s such a bad thing. And all of the other things that they say too. Like when Troy calls me a fag says that we’re nerds. That’s basically just him calling himself dumb, right? God, he’s so stupid. I hope you don’t have people like that at your new school.
I know you’re probably busy but you should write to me. If you have the time. Or maybe call me. That way we don’t have to deal with the bullshit of waiting two weeks for a reply. And I can hear your voice.
From
Mike
~~~
August 10, 1985
Did you know that Lucas is trying out for the basketball team!!
I don’t even think he was gonna tell me but when he came over earlier he was all sweaty, and when I asked him why he finally admitted that he’d been at try outs. Lucas! Trying out for the basketball team! Can you believe it? If you were here, I know you’d be on my side. You always agree with me. And you’d agree that Lucas trying out for the basketball team is a totally stupid idea. Like why does he want to hang around those asshole jocks anyway? They’re all a bunch of mouthbreathers. He says it’s just because he likes the sport but I know that’s not the real reason. We’re starting high school and he sees this as his chance to start over. To be cool.
I tried to talk some sense into him but he got mad at me and left. Nancy must have heard our shouting because she came down and yelled at me for being too loud. When I told her what happened she called me a bad friend, but I don’t think I am. Lucas is the bad friend. He’s literally ditching us for the enemy!
I probably won’t send this. I don’t want this to be my first letter to you. I just needed someone to talk to and it felt easiest to talk to you. Ironic given that I still haven’t sent you a single letter.
Maybe I am a bad friend.
Sorry
Mike
~~~
August 15, 1985
Dear Will
How’s California? You’re probably settled in by now. I still haven’t gotten a letter from you yet but that’s okay. I haven’t sent you one either. I think about you a lot though. School starts again tomorrow and I can’t help but think how weird it’ll be without you there.
Do you remember our first day of school back in fifth grade? Our moms made us take pictures together. I was wearing a hand-me-down sweater from Nancy and I was so scared that someone at school was going to notice that it was a girl’s sweater, but you said I looked cool. We ended up missing the bus because our moms lost track of the time. When we got to the school, I remember walking up the path with you, thinking that this year would be different because we were the oldest at the school now. I thought that meant that we wouldn’t get bullied anymore. During recess that day though Jenna Ramsey called me Frog Face after I accidentally hit her with a stick while me and Lucas were dueling. Turns out everyone else liked the name because it stuck. Even now, people sometimes call me that.
I hate that name. I hate it so much. But it’s whatever. You don’t need to hear me whine about the same old bullshit. I hope your new school is a lot better than ours. I hope everyone is nice. I hope you can take an art class. We have to take algebra one this year. You probably do too. I know you’ll hate it but you’re smart. You’ll figure it out.
How’s everyone else by the way? Does your mom like her new job? How’s Jonathan? I’d ask how El is but I already sent her a letter so I’m sure I’ll hear from her soon.
Looking forward to your letter
Mike
~~~
August 22, 1985
Hey Will
I got my first letter from El today. She said that you guys had a fun trip driving through the country. She told me about all of the places you guys saw. I wish I’d been there. She made it sound so cool. Maybe we could do a road trip of our own one day. Maybe if you ever move back to Hawkins I’ll fly out to California so I can drive back with you.
I’m glad to hear that California’s just as sunny as I thought it’d be and that your mom likes her new job. El barely mentioned you in her letter. She said that you guys got milkshakes your first night and you laughed so hard you accidentally spilled half of yours onto the table. But that’s it. I don’t know what you were laughing at. I don’t even know how you’re doing. And I know I should just ask. I should just write to you. I am writing to you. But even as I write this I know I’ll trash it just like all the others. I don’t know why. I think I got it into my head that my first letter to you has to be perfect. And the longer I wait to write the more perfect it has to be. At this point I don’t even know why I bother trying. I guess it’s just nice to talk to you even if you’ll never reply back.
Maybe you’ll write me first, that way I’ll have something to reply to. I know it’s stupid given that I haven’t sent you a single letter, but I was really bummed when I only got a letter from El. I thought you’d write too, that you’d send them together. Maybe yours just got lost in the mail. Maybe that’s the excuse I’ll give you if you ever ask why it took so long.
School is just as shit as I thought it’d be but I don’t want to write anymore to you about that. I just want to talk like we used to. You were always so easy to talk to. You still are. Only now I worry that you don’t want to hear anything I have to say.
We’re still best friends, right? I hope you think so because you’re still mine.
Your Best Friend
Mike
~~~
August 28, 1985
I couldn’t wait any longer.
I called you yesterday, and you picked up. Not your mom or Jonathan or El. It was you.
Will, I missed your voice so much. I missed you. I didn’t even tell you that. I didn’t tell you about the unsent letters or the fact that I hate Willie P. because every time I hear the teachers call him ‘Will’ in class, I always think they’re talking to you. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s driving me crazy. I thought that talking to you again for the first time would make things better, but it didn’t. It made it so much worse.
When you told me you had to get off the phone to go eat dinner, I almost begged you to stay. God, I sound pathetic. You’re definitely not allowed to read this letter. Ever. I can’t even read it back to myself. This is so embarrassing. Maybe I’m coming down with something. My mom always says that the start of the school year is a cesspool for germs. Is aching in your chest a sign of the flu?
RIP
Mike Wheeler
P.S. That was a joke by the way. I’m not dying. At least I hope I’m not.
~~~
September 1, 1985
Dear Will
I’ve tried to call you a couple of times since our last call but I keep getting the busy signal. I know you said your mom uses the phone a lot for work, but it’s starting to get really annoying. I wish you’d just call first. You know I’d answer. Don’t you?
Anyway, you’ll never guess what happened this past weekend! I got Holly to watch Star Wars with me and she loved it! Her favorite character is Princess Leia, obviously, but I still think Han Solo is the best. Maybe for Halloween you could come visit and we can dress up as Star Wars characters. Dustin would probably want to be Darth Vader or something. And Lucas would be Boba Fett. El and I could be Leia and Han. You know, like a couples’ costume. And you could be Luke! It’d be perfect because you and El are kind of like brother and sister now. And Luke is the main character. The whole franchise would be nothing without him. Kind of like how Hawkins sucks without you.
Things aren’t all bad though. I’m finally bonding with Holly. I mean, she’s still a baby, so it’s not like we’re friends or anything. Can you even be friends with your siblings? But she’s not so bad, I guess. She’s started drawing a lot now too. It reminds me of you. I try to help her sometimes and tell her the things you’ve told me, but it’s not the same. I know if you were here you’d give her awesome advice. I’m a poor substitute for Will Byers, artist extraordinaire.
Nancy’s calling me to dinner now, so I should probably go, but I’m going to try and call you again tomorrow right after school. Maybe then your mom won’t be using the phone.
Talk to you soon
Mike
~~~
September 7, 1985
Will, guess what!
I met the coolest guy at school today! He’s like super old! Wait, no. That came out wrong. He’s not like some creep I met in the parking lot or anything. He’s a student at the high school, except he got held back a couple times. I think he’s Nancy’s age? Anyway, the point is he’s super cool. His name is Eddie and he’s the leader of this club called Hellfire. It’s a DnD club!
Shit. Just writing this, I realize it’s probably really shitty of me to get excited about DnD after I wouldn’t play with you all summer. And I know you said you wouldn’t join another party. But I’m not joining another party. It’s still me and Lucas and Dustin. We’re just adding members. And we still need a cleric, so whenever you want to come back to Hawkins, there will be a place for you.
It’s just that Eddie makes us feel less like losers and more like cool outcasts. Like the Breakfast Club. He’s so confident and sure of himself. And everyone hates him but he doesn’t care at all! It’s like nothing ever bothers him! We have our first meeting next Monday, and I just know that Eddie is going to be a great DM.
I think you’d like Eddie. I know he’d like you.
Your Loyal Friend
The Paladin
~~~
October 31, 1985
I told myself I wouldn’t write to you again.
I know by now that I’m never going to send these letters. I tried to send the last one. I put it in an envelope and got all the way to the mailbox before I chickened out. I thought it’d be a good one, you know, for my first letter. Because I seemed happy. I mean, I am happy. Sometimes. But it still wasn’t good enough.
I told myself I wouldn’t write but it’s Halloween and I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m sorry you had such a bad Halloween last year. I hope this one is better. It has to be because last year’s really sucked. Except, a part of me feels like this one sucks worse. Because even though I was sad over El and you were scared about the Mind Flayer, at least we were together. Now I feel crazy again and I’m alone. Sometimes I get so mad at you for leaving. And I know that’s bad because I don’t feel mad at anyone else. It’s just you. Because you’re supposed to be my best friend, Will.
Why do I have to go through high school without my best friend? Why do I have to spend Halloween without you? It’s all so stupid. None of us even went trick or treating. We didn’t even really decide not to. We just never brought it up.
Holly came back from trick or treating with my parents about an hour ago. She was Little Red Riding Hood. She let me have a piece of candy from her stash too. Just one. I took the Reece’s Pieces. I don’t even really like them that much, but it reminded me of you. Are they still your favorite candy?
Nothing really happens here in Hawkins, but I’m scared of missing everything that’s happening in Lenora. What if you’re different now? What if your tastes have changed? What if the next time I see you, you’re someone I don’t even know?
Whoever you are, I want to get to know you again. I want you in my life, Will. Always. I know I probably don’t do a good job of showing it, but it’s the truth.
Happy Halloween
The Han Solo to your Luke
~~~
November 6, 1985
Fuck.
I can’t
Will, I want you to know
I tried calling your house so many times today, but when Jonathan finally picked up the phone, he said you didn’t want to talk right now, which is such fucking bullshit because he probably didn’t even tell you I called. If you knew it was me on the other line, you’d pick up, right?
God, Will, I want to talk to you so bad. I need to know you’re okay. I can’t sleep. Not tonight. It’s almost the seventh by now, but it can’t come fast enough.
I never should have let you leave. Not this summer. And not that night either.
Letting you go was the worst mistake I ever made.
I’m sorry, Will.
I’m so sorry.
~~~
December 13, 1985
Hey
I’m sorry. I keep apologizing in these letters but I guess that’s because I can’t say it to your face. Or over the phone. I called you today to tell you that I wouldn’t be able to make it for Christmas Break. You said it was fine, but I know it’s not.
You hung up so quickly but even before that you were quiet. I tried to fill the silence but I think that just made you angrier with me. Or maybe you’re not angry at all. Maybe I just want you to be angry because that would mean you care. I’m worried you’re moving on, that you don’t care about me anymore, or at least not the way that you used to.
You used to be the one person who I felt like actually liked me. My parents and sisters had to because they were family. And Dustin and Lucas were great, but I know sometimes they found me annoying. And they annoyed me sometimes too. But it was different with you. You were always different.
You’ve always been so nice to me, Will. I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I like it. You always listen when I talk, and you don’t think my interests are weird or boring. Even El doesn’t And you have a great laugh. I love making you laugh. I love that you find me funny instead of annoying. I love that you’re so smart and creative and empathetic. Sometimes, I think you can read my mind.
Maybe that’s our problem. Maybe our friendship is like a radio signal and now we’re too far out of range. The connection is too spotty and we can’t communicate. I can’t tell you half the things I want to say to you. Is it the same for you too?
This is Mike signing off
Over and Out
~~~
December 24, 1985
Merry Christmas Eve, Will
I’m at my grandma Phillis’s house right now. I locked myself in the laundry room to write this. I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I was in Lenora with you like I was supposed to be. Screw family Christmas. You’re my family too. Plus, you don’t smell like my Uncle Simon. And you don’t give me awkward cheek kisses like my aunt Ruthie. Not that I think kissing you would be awkward. I mean, obviously you would never kiss me. I’m not saying that. I’m not saying I’d want you to kiss me either. Or that I wouldn’t want you to.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.
Is it weird having a Christmas without snow? Are you going to go to the beach today? What do people in California even do for Christmas?
Last week, I saw this comic in a store. It was from some publisher I’d never heard of. But the art was really cool, and it was all about this boy who discovers that he has magic and he has to fight these monsters that try to attack his home town. He reminded me a lot of you. Shy and a little dorky but really, really brave. I almost bought it for you as a Christmas present but I knew it wouldn’t get to you in time. And I realized I’d probably have to write a letter to go along with the present and we know by now how terrible I am at those.
If I did write you a letter though, a real letter, I’d probably say something like:
Merry Christmas, Will.
I miss you and I hope you’re having fun in California! Don’t forget to think about your good pal Mike from time to time!
God, that sucked. I really suck at this. I know if you ever read these, you’d probably laugh at me. Or maybe not because you’re nice like that. But I know you’d want to. I think I’d probably let you read them too, if only so I could hear your laugh again. That’s all I want for Christmas. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s a great laugh.
Shit. I think that’s my mom at the door. Gotta go.
Love
Mike
~~~
December 27, 1985
Hey Will
I’m back in Hawkins again, and I just had time to re-read the last letter I wrote you. I had to stuff it in the bottom of my shoe when Nancy’s back was turned while we were leaving to go. Holly caught me, but I managed to convince everyone that she was just seeing things. Thank god she’s still young.
I don’t even know why I went through all the trouble of keeping it or why I kept the rest of them. They’re wedged together behind my dresser, but the pile keeps growing and I’m worried that soon it’ll be noticeable that I’m hiding something there.
The point is that I re-read my last letter. I mean, not really. That would be embarrassing. All of the stuff I write to you is embarrassing. But I couldn’t help but notice the way I signed off to you. I didn’t even really think about it. I was in such a rush to hide what I was doing from my mom that I didn’t even realize what I’d written until today.
It’s not weird.
Tons of people sign off their letters that way. Even to their friends. But I can’t help but feel guilty. Because whenever El writes me letters, she always signs them ‘Love, El’. And I never say it back. It just feels too awkward. Like a pit forms in my stomach and I just want to run away from it. I know that probably makes me a shitty boyfriend. I feel bad about it. I do. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I thought that maybe it was just like that because I’m not a super affectionate person. I mean, you’ve met my family. We aren’t exactly the all-american dream, even if my mom likes to pretend we are. So I thought maybe it was just the sentiment that I struggled with. But then I did write it. I scribbled it down without a second thought. Like it was an instinct. Like saying ‘I love you’ wasn’t this scary thing at all, but something that was just the truth.
It almost felt nice to write. It made me feel closer to you somehow. It’s kind of funny to think I could feel close to you when you’re so far away, when you probably barely even think about me.
Love
From
Love
Mike
P.S. It still feels nice to write.
~~~
January 17, 1986
Happy Belated New Year
1986. Crazy, huh? I wonder what will happen this year. I hope it’s peaceful. No getting kidnapped or possessed. No almost dying. Just no horror. Please. Whatever is out there, just stay away.
Maybe if it’s quiet here in Hawkins for long enough, your mom will let you guys move back. That way next school year we could be together again. Nothing fun happens Freshman year anyway, so we just won’t count it. We can start over. You can join Hellfire. Did I mention that you’d get a cool t-shirt? And we can sit together at lunch. We’d probably have a ton of classes together too. We could study for them on the weekends. Or not study. We could just hang out in my room like we used to, reading comics and just talking.
I know it probably sounds like I’m letting it go to my head, this fantasy where you’re back and things aren’t weird between us. But I’m not crazy. And I’m not just talking out of my ass either. This isn’t like with El where I built up this romance between us in my head, thinking that it’d be perfect, that she was perfect and perfect for me. Because I know you so much better than I know her. And I don’t care about the distance or the fact that you haven’t called or written. I know you want to talk to me too. And I know that if we did, if we really talked again, we’d find our way back to each other.
So, just come home. Come back to Hawkins, Will. So we can talk. So we can be friends again.
Love
Mike
~~~
February 14, 1986
Hey
I sent El a Valentine’s Day letter a couple of weeks ago. She should have gotten it by now. I just said that I missed her and that I wish I could give her flowers. I still didn’t say I love you. But whatever. It’s fine. I just can’t do anything right. Can’t be a good boyfriend to El. Can’t be a good friend to you. Can’t stop messing things up. Can’t stop missing you.
I wish I knew how to fix it, to fix everything. I wish I knew why I feel so wrong. It didn’t used to feel like this. When I was a kid, everything felt easier. I almost wish we could go back to that, to when we didn’t have to worry about girls or our future. Now, when I think about the future, it makes me nauseous. I think about my parents and their lives and I genuinely want to throw up. I can’t be like them, Will. I wouldn’t be happy with their lives. I don’t even think they’re happy with their lives. And if growing up means that, then I never want to grow up. You had it right before. We should just stay kids and continue to play DnD in my basement forever. Or maybe we can move out of the basement, find a place of our own or something, but everything else will stay the same and we won’t have to be miserable adults.
I think that’s the part that scares me the most. I can’t picture myself not being miserable in the future. When did that happen? And why?
No one else seems to get it. Dustin and Lucas have all these great plans. Dustin wants to be a NASA scientist and have at least four kids. Lucas wants to be an engineer and I know he’d marry Max in a heartbeat if she’d let him. They’ve their entire lives figured out, and I’m just stuck. I don’t know. I guess I thought maybe you’d understand. You’re always worrying about the future. I know you get that from your mom. It’d be nice to have someone else to worry with. Crazy together and all that, right?
I’m not worried about you though. You’re going to have a great life, Will. You deserve it. You’ll live someplace cool, far from Hawkins where you don’t have to think about the Upside Down or any of that other shit. You’d probably get a dog and live in some tiny apartment, but it’d be cozy and have lots of great artwork. And you’d have some really cool art job, like a comic book artist! Remember when we said we’d write a comic together some day? Maybe we could. I could write it and you could do the art. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? Maybe I should bring it up to you again next time we talk. Whenever that will be.
Love
Mike
~~~
February 22, 1986
Dear Will
My dad and I got into a fight today. I don’t remember the last time that happened. Not because I never get on his nerves. I think we all constantly get on his nerves, but he’s good at ignoring us when we bother him. But today I just couldn’t let it go. There was some news story on the tv about this kid our age who has AIDS. They were talking about how he was going to school even after his diagnosis. I don’t see what the big deal is since it’s not an airborne contagion, but apparently everyone is freaking out about it. My dad said that the kid shouldn’t be allowed back until he’s cured, but my mom said they haven’t found a cure yet. I think they should just let the kid be.
But then my dad kept going on and on about it. And then he said that it was just what happened when people were allowed to be ‘deviant and unclean’. I didn’t even know what he was talking about. Not at first. But then he used that word, the one that those stupid mouthbreathers used to call me at school, and I don’t know, I just lost it. I started screaming at him, and he got all defensive. My mom tried to get in the middle of us, but ultimately it was Nancy who finally pulled me away.
She brought me upstairs and sat me down in her room and told me to calm down. She asked me what happened and when I explained it to her, she agreed that it sucked and that our dad was wrong, but she didn’t seem as bothered by it as I was.
I’m still bothered by it, though I have no idea why. I think it’s just because I feel bad for that kid. I mean, he’s our age, and he’s probably going to die soon. I think I was also mad because my dad was wrong about another thing too. The kid wasn’t gay or anything that my dad insinuated. He got sick from a blood transfusion. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was just unlucky.
And I don’t see what’s so wrong about being gay either. I don’t see how a person could be bad just because of who they like. I think it’s way worse to be someone like our dads. People who just say shit even when they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.
My dad came into my room a little bit later to talk it out. My mom put him up to it. It was fine, I guess. We’d both calmed down by then, or at least, I was pretending to be calm about it. He basically just lectured me about being too sensitive and patted my knee like that would make up for everything. On his way out, he told me to be careful not to act out like that again or people might think I’m gay or something. I’m not. I’m definitely not. I don’t know why he said that. Dads just suck.
From
Mike
~~~
February February 29, 1986
Dear Will
It’s so cold here in Hawkins. We got a snow day yesterday, which was nice. Me, Nancy, and Holly all stayed inside playing board games. Then, Holly and I bullied Nancy into watching ‘A New Hope’. She tried to act all high and mighty about it, but I could tell that she liked it. Now that Star Wars has been a success, I think I’m going to try and get my sisters to watch other stuff too. Imagine if I could turn Nancy into a nerd! I think I’d probably write that on my headstone. Here lies the beloved brother of Nancy, the Nerd.
Oh, also Mr. Clarke says hi. He asked me how you were doing the other day in the hallway, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I hadn’t talked to you in weeks, so I told him that you were doing really good. It’s not really a lie. I’m sure you are good. So, yeah. He says hi.
I don’t really have much else to tell you. I’m just bored. I think I might call Dustin later and see if he’s around to hang out. It’d be even better if you were here, but you already knew that.
I really miss you, Will.
Love
Mike
~~~
March 3, 1986
Dear Will
How are you?
I know you can’t answer since I’ll never send this to you but I really want to know. I want to hear about your day, about your week, about the last several months really. I can’t believe how long it’s been. Did you know that this is the longest we’ve been apart since we met?
I didn’t know it was possible to miss a person this much.
I miss visiting Castle Byers. I miss going to the arcade with you and getting brain freezes from the slushies there. I miss walking to class with you. I miss your house. I miss having sleepovers there and staying up way too late, whispering in the dark so that no one would hear us and tell us to go to bed. I miss laughing so loudly that we woke the house up anyway and got scolded for it. I miss laughing with you. I miss your sense of humor. Quiet but sharp, a little dry and a little teasing. I miss the way you tease me, not like you’re making fun of me, but like you find me amusing. I miss that smile you pull whenever I catch your eye after our friends say something dumb. I miss watching you draw and how you get all focused and get that crinkle between your brows. I miss you playing new songs for me, trying to ‘educate’ me like Jonathan does with you.
I miss your hair. There, I said it. I miss that stupid bowlcut. I miss your eyes, your big, bright eyes. I miss the way you used to touch me and how it always made me feel warm. I miss the way I was your favorite friend.
I was your favorite, wasn’t I, Will? Well, either way, you were my favorite. You still are. I hope that’s okay.
With All My Love
Mike
~~~
March 8, 1986
Dear Will
I think
There’s something that’s been on my mind
~~~
March 10, 1986
Dear Will
I don’t know how to feel anymore
~~~
March 11, 1986
Dear Will
Do you hate me
~~~
March 15, 1986
Dear Will
I’m going to see you in seven days. I finally booked my flight. It feels surreal that after months and months of waiting I’m finally going to see you again.
I know I should be happy about that. I am happy. Seeing you is what I’ve wanted this whole time. But I’m scared. I’m scared things will be different, that you’ll be different.
I got so anxious about it that I went for a walk the other day. I made it all the way to Castle Byers without realizing it. God, Will, I’m so sorry it got destroyed. You’ve lost so much. I wish I could make things better for you but I’m so bad at everything that I’d probably ruin that too if I tried.
Maybe it’d be easier not to try. Maybe I should just let you go. Except, I don’t want to do that. I really don’t. Thinking about not being your friend anymore makes me sick and thinking about trying to talk to you again also makes me sick. Basically, I just feel awful about everything. So there’s that.
I didn’t get back from Castle Byers until really late. Like way past dinner time. My mom was so mad at me. She yelled at me for almost a whole hour, but I barely reacted. It’s like there’s something broken inside me. Maybe I’m cursed.
I wish I could be normal. I wish feelings weren’t so difficult. I wish I could feel the right way or not at all. I don’t know if I’m angry or sad or in love. They say love makes you crazy, right? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe my dad was right and I’m just being too sensitive. I don’t mean to be. I promise I’ll try to be better in the future. And when I see you again, I’ll be totally normal.
See you soon
Mike
~~~
March 19, 1986
Dear Will
Only three more days.
Nancy backed out of going to California at the last minute. She says she’s too busy. I think she’s crazy. I don’t think there’s anything that could keep me from getting on that plane and seeing you. And she’s with Jonathan, so it should be way worse for her. Because they like each other. Only, if that were true, I should miss El more than I miss you. I do miss her. I miss all of you. But I can’t imagine ever writing her letters like this.
It’s probably just because I’ve known you longer, but I feel like she and I never really talk. At least, not about the important stuff. We just talk about stupid stuff. And we kiss. The kissing is fun, I guess. But sometimes it’s boring. Have you kissed anyone in Lenora? Do you have a girlfriend too? I hope you don’t. That came out wrong. I mean, it’s fine if you do. But you’re Will. You’ve never cared about any of that stuff.
I guess I’ve never really thought about you with a girl before. Well, you danced with that one girl at the snow ball, but she was all wrong for you. Plus, she called you Zombie Boy. God, I wanted to punch her for that. But you looked like you wanted to dance with her. Did you like her? I can’t remember you talking to her after that.
I can’t imagine anyone who’d be good enough for you. So I hope you don’t have a girlfriend yet. I’ll help you find a good one if you want. The best one. But you don’t have to get a girlfriend. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t because if you started ignoring me for her like I did with El, I’d probably lose my goddamn mind. I don’t want to share you, Will. It’s selfish, I know. But it’s true. Sometimes I don’t even like sharing you with Lucas and Dustin. How fucked up is that? It’s not like I own you or anything. I definitely, definitely don’t mean it like that. I just want you to be happy. And I want it to be me who makes you happy.
Love
Mike
~~~
March 20, 1986
Dear Will
Are there clouds in California? It seems like it’s always cloudy here. But maybe it’s not. Maybe I just miss you.
I think that’s what I’ve been trying to say this whole time, in all these letters. Not the clouds part. Well, it’s kind of about the clouds. Because I keep thinking about how sunny it is where you are. I keep thinking that you must be so happy.
Maybe when I see you again, I’ll ask about the clouds. I’ll ask if you missed me too. Because if you did
Because then maybe I’d tell you that I
Will, I love
I think I love you
~~~
March 21, 1986
Hey Will!
I’m seeing you guys tomorrow. Tomorrow! Can you believe it! I can’t wait. I especially can’t wait to see El! I’m going to bring her flowers from Hawkins. I just hope they can survive the plane ride.
I got my final letter from El this morning. She said that she’s having a great time at school and that she has lots of friends. I’m glad. She also mentioned that you’ve been painting. And that you have a crush on a girl. Guess you won’t need my help finding a girlfriend after all!
You know, I don’t know why I was so nervous to see you before. We’re friends. I was being weird. I promise I won’t be weird tomorrow.
We’re going to have so much fun! See you soon!
From
Mike
A/N:
!!Important Update!!
I've uploaded a part two for this fic! It takes place post-season four from Will's POV with Will finding out about the letters! Please go check it out in the Clouds & Shadows Series!