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Satoru did not know how long he sat and stared at the text.
It glowed on his phone in a lonely blue bubble.
“Want to meet? Usual spot at 1700?”
He didn't know what it meant. Or what it implied. What it would mean if he went or didn't go? Most of all, he didn't understand why his heart ached so at those simple words. But he knew, the words weren't what caused his heart to ache. It was the name above them.
Suguru
Three little letters, but he felt like they took his breath away every time he tried to speak them into the world now.
How ironic, considering how easily they had rolled off his tongue once upon a time. It had felt as much a part of him as it had been Suguru’s. Suguru and Satoru. Satoru and Suguru. Thats how people referred to them. As a pair. If they were ever seen alone, others looked around because the other would soon follow. Peas in a pod. Birds of a feather. They had been called all of those. And here they were. As far apart as they had ever been. Satoru wondered if his pain was because his other half had been ripped away. Like the pod had been torn open and the peas scattered. Like the birds had been trapped in separate cages to be taken to the opposite ends of the earth.
“Thats a bit dramatic”, Satoru told himself with a wry smile. Suguru wasn't on the other end of the earth. He was in the same city. And soon he would be in the same place because Satoru would go see him. He would go see his best friend because he had never really had a choice in the matter. He knew it, and so did Suguru. Suguru had called him. Satoru would go. It was as simple as that.
He lay back in his bed, and his mind wandered to a few years ago. A day just like today, in this very apartment. It had been a quiet afternoon, and they had been laid in bed together. Suguru was lying perpendicular to him, using his chest as a pillow as he read his book, while Satoru played on his phone. Silent coexistence as the shadows of falling cherry blossoms wafted down the wall behind the bed. Satoru didn't notice when Suguru put his book down, but when he looked down, his best friend’s eyes were on the wall behind them, watching the shadows of falling flowers with a faraway look in his eyes. Satoru looked ahead at the window where he could see the flowers falling, and for a moment, he wondered why his friend did not watch the pretty pink petals fall instead of their dark shadows. But he lost the thought in the spiralling flowers as he too watched them fall. When he looked down again, dark brown eyes were focused on him now. The same kind of faraway look in them as they stared at his face. They did not flinch or draw away when he caught them. The dilation of those pupils was the only thing to show him that Suguru saw him, too. He stared at him unblinking for a long minute as if there were deep deliberations behind those eyes before he blinked and smiled. And suddenly the spell was broken, and Satoru could breathe again. His lips curved easily, mirroring the smile on Suguru’s face even though he didn't know why.
“What were you thinking of?”
Suguru asks, and Satoru struggles to answer. He tries to summon his last few thoughts, but they had flitted through his mind like the falling petals outside his window. So he smiles a little more and replies.
“Nothing”
Suguru hums and closes his eyes. He stretches and drops his book on the floor before rolling over onto his front. He pushed himself up on his hands and leaned closer to drop a quick kiss on Satoru’s lips before he rolled himself out of bed and stood up.
“I’m hungry”
He announced as he stood and stretched some more, Satoru’s shirt riding up his bare thighs. Nothing in this felt strange to Satoru. Yes, they were best friends. Yes, they kissed in private. Yes, Suguru curled into his arms on nights when the dark got too close, and Satoru held his body in his arms as both of their hearts tripped and stumbled over all the unsaid words between them. They were best friends. The bestest of friends. But nothing more. Their world did not allow it. They were jujutsu sorcerers. Satoru was the Strongest. He was the Six-Eyes. The Honored One. The son of the Gojo clan. Suguru was a simple boy from the Geto clan. He was a special grade sorcerer, but nothing next to the Limitless one. Still, they were strong and even stronger together. But with their strength came great responsibility. Satoru had always known this. Had learned to walk with the weight of his destiny on his little shoulders. But it was new to Suguru. He had known he had a gift with his cursed technique, but he had had no idea just how powerful he was until he had come to Jujutsu High and had seen the awe in the eyes of his peers. Because even among the skilled and brilliant sorcerers of Jujutsu High, Suguru Geto stood out. In a cohort with the strongest sorcerer of their generation, this unassuming boy from the countryside had shocked people with the strength and mastery of his cursed technique. And Satoru, Satoru had taken notice. He had been on the other side of the gym, laughing with some of his classmates, when he had heard a hush fall behind him. He had turned around, and the quiet skinny boy with long black hair had been stood in the middle of a circle of people. He had stared as one of their seniors had pulled himself up from the floor and backed away, never turning his back on the boy, almost as if in fear. The crowd had still stared, but the boy had turned his back and walked away, and everyone went back to their lives as if his turning his back had broken the spell. Satoru’s friends had continued talking, but he heard nothing as his eyes tracked the boy quietly making his way outside the gym. He stood and followed him as if in a trance. As he walked across the gym, he heard the whispers.
“So strong”
“Got that big bully”
“Who is he?”
Satoru had the same questions, but he didn't stop to ask. He walked outside the gym and walked a bit before he saw a small figure in the distance. He walked towards him, not knowing why. But it felt like he was being pulled. Irrestibly drawn to his fate, and someone who would change his life for good. He walked to the small, hunched-over figure on the bench under the great old weeping willow on campus. And as he got closer, he saw the unmistakable tremors of tears in the boy’s back. He spoke softly, so as to not scare him.
“Hey”
One word. And the boy had turned to look at him. Big brown eyes had met his piercing blue ones. They were red-rimmed, and his lashes were thick and clumped together with tears as he looked at Satoru. They were the biggest things on an otherwise slender face with a fine nose and small rosebud lips. Dark hair framed his face, falling loose from his tight bun, long and uneven as if he had tried to cut it himself.
“Hi”
The boy had replied. And that had been it. Two words. Two boys. Two souls.
They had become inseparable. Satoru had quickly learned that behind those big brown eyes lay a sharp mind and a sharper tongue. But underneath it all lay a soft heart. A heart that cared for lost puppies and the quiet children around them. A heart that woke up early to cook Satoru’s favourite foods and quietly packed extra for the quiet kids, with no one to pack their lunches. Satoru had finally found someone who could spar with him. His equal in skill, if not in power. Suguru was clever and made Satoru work, testing and challenging him in a way no one else had. So that every time he managed to pin him to the floor, Satoru knew that he had earned each victory as Suguru smirked at him from the floor. Their friendship had slowly expanded beyond sparring and clever wordplay to the quiet moments like the lengthening shadows of dusk. He couldn't recall exactly when Suguru had started to wear his clothes or when he started cooking for two. But slowly, they had started spending almost every waking moment together. And even the not awake ones. Satoru did not remember when a sleepy Suguru had started to curl against his side, leaving him no choice but to hold him through the night. But he remembered vividly the first time he had kissed him. He had woken up first, as usual, and had been greeted with the sight of a mess of black hair on his chest. The mess had moved, and two brown eyes had materialised in their midst, followed by a sleepy smile.
“Hi”, he had said. As if it was nothing unusual to wake up on your best friend’s chest. Like they had always woken up like this. And just like the day they first met, Satoru had felt the pull. He held his chin and pulled him up to kiss him. There was no uncertainty in the kiss. Just like everything else, it felt right. It felt natural. Suguru had matched his pace and kissed him back. No pause. No doubt. Like he had been waiting. Like he had always known. They pulled apart after a short while, even though it had felt like an eternity had passed between their lips, and Satoru had smiled and said,
“Hey”.
It felt like another lifetime. A different life and different people. But it had been just a few years ago. And then the mission that had changed it all had happened. Riko. It still stung when he thought about the weight of the girl in his arms. He had failed. He had failed to protect her. He could vividly remember Suguru’s face as they had stood over her cold body in the morgue. But even more vividly, he could remember Suguru’s face when he had returned from the dead. There had been shock at first as those brown eyes had looked up to see him standing there. There was a brief pause, and then, impossibly fast, there had been a familiar weight crashing into him and beloved arms were holding him tight, and his favourite voice was whispering his name over and over. Like a prayer and a chant. Like a mantra and thanks. Suguru hadn't cried, they told him. When they told him the news of Satoru’s death, Suguru had simply sat down in shock and shut down. No words. No actions. Just a bowed head as the world moved around him and reeled from the fall of the Strongest. But as he wrapped his arms around the waist of his best friend, Satoru had felt the wet warmth of tears on his shoulder and a soft kiss pressed into his neck quietly, invisibly.
They were the strongest. They were not allowed weakness. They were not allowed to have anything precious in their lives. Nothing, they were afraid to lose. They had duties and unselfish obligations to save the world. Curses grew stronger, and Sukuna was stirring. Tirelessly, they fought them together. The curse breaker and the curse eater. But when they returned to their shared home, Satoru swore that he could see the curses sometimes still stuck in his best friend’s throat. There would be nothing marring that smooth, slender neck, but Suguru’s words would stick in his throat. They would struggle to come out, and he would avoid food like he couldn't manage to swallow any more. He would sit by the window and stare out at the sleeping city. Sometimes Satoru would wake up in the middle of the night and see those familiar brown eyes staring at him in the moonlight. He would smile, but the smile never reached his eyes. But he would kiss him and whisper bedtime stories in his soft voice until Satoru fell asleep to the steady beat of his heart and scent of cherry blossoms.
The cherry blossoms swirled around him as he walked up to the bench under the willow, where a figure sat with his back to him.
“Hey”
He whispered again, and those brown eyes turned to look at him. They crinkled in a smile, and Satoru felt like no time had passed. He knew those eyes. He knew that smile. He knew the man in front of him like he knew himself. And yet as he looked at his robes and his long black hair, now open in the back, he didn't know him. This man, set on a dark path. Not the boy who had held his hope in his chest. But he still smiled as Suguru said,
“Hi”
He joined him on the bench, side by side as they looked down on the school and, further away, the city.
“You came”. There was no surprise there but an acknowledgement of the choices Satoru had made.
“You called”. It was an answer to an unspoken question.
“I needed to speak to you”
“I’m listening"
“I need you to step back, Satoru”. A pause as he took in a deep breath like he was filling his lungs to weigh himself down so that he didn't run away before he said his piece. “This war…it is escalating in ways you can't imagine. Dark things are stirring, Satoru. And I need you to walk away.”
“Afraid you can't beat me?” A weak attempt at humour, but his smile dies when he sees the tortured expression on Suguru’s face.
“You could say that. I’m scared I’ll lose”. A weaker attempt at humour and that smile, the one that Satoru hated, the one that didn't meet his eyes.
“Whats wrong?” Satoru had to hold himself back so that he didn't reach out and pull him in closer. This wasn't his Suguru. The one he used to tuck into his side at the slightest discomfort and wrap his Infinity around so that he could shield him from the world. This was a man. A grown man who had made choices that took him away from Satoru and everything he had loved. And yet, those eyes. Those damned brown eyes turning into liquid honey with the sun and red-rimmed. They would be the death of him. He knew that.
“I…” Suguru swallows and closes his eyes. A nervous habit that he used to do when he couldn't find his words. He had always picked his words carefully. Like carefully arranged dominoes that revealed a grander pattern when he had finished his piece. A strong image of control, even when the world fell apart around him. And he had allowed only one man to see past it. Satoru had seen. His piercing blue eyes had caught the tremor in his clenched jaw. The nervous way he used to fiddle wth his own fingers as he explained his plans for missions. The way he would do and undo his bun while they waited. Satoru hadn't needed his Six-Eyes to see these things. He sees the same tick in his jaw and his trembling fingers in the man in front of him, and Satoru grips the bench tight so that he doesn't reach out and pull him closer. They weren't those boys from a lifetime ago anymore.
When he opens his eyes again, they are blank. Like there's nothing behind them as he looks at Satoru. Like he had turned himself off when he had shut his eyes so that only the words he needed to say remained. His body had stilled, too. No emotion or expression in them as he looks straight at Satoru, yet somehow not meeting his eyes.
“You need to step away from the fight, Satoru. You do not know the dangers. If you intervene to save the humans, I will unleash every curse under the sun at once, and we will all die”
He says his piece without blinking and stands up stiffly.
“Suguru?”
Satoru can't help the way his name slips out of him. He had felt like he had left his body when Suguru had turned those lifeless brown eyes on him. He had watched him say his piece and stand, and his soul had rushed back into his body and called out one last time to the missing piece of itself.
And somehow, it had worked.
Suguru stops. He freezes in place. And the stillness in him is broken. His fingers twitch again, and his head turns slightly to the side so that Satoru can see his profile. His nostrils flare, and his jaw ticks again like the cold ice that had enveloped him had melted. After an eternity, he turns, and his eyes are back. Warm and beautiful as they look at Satoru, and until his dying breath, Satoru would remember the tears that glimmered in them.
“Please” he utters. It's soft. The word leaves his lips like a kiss as it floats back to Satoru.
And Satoru closes his eyes as he feels the words press against his lips.
“I can't”.
And Suguru knows this. He closes his eyes in acknowledgement, and a tear glistens on his long lashes as he stands in front of Satoru. His silhouette stands against the setting sun, casting a long shadow that envelops Satoru. Half turned, his long hair blowing in the wind and falling petals resting in it. When the tear falls, Satoru feels like it had landed on his own heart like an asteroid - a calamity.
“I had to try”.
Suguru opens his eyes, and there are more, clumping his lashes and snaking their way down his face, taking the paths that Satoru’s lips once followed. His voice has the slightest tremor in it, the slightest tremble that only Satoru realises as a sign of the total devastation inside him.
“I know”
And he doesn't just mean that he knows why Suguru had come. He means he knows him. He knows his face and his soul. He knows his heart and the way his lips curl when he is truly happy. And he knows that something is killing the love of his life like a cancer, working its way out and carving him out from the inside. He knows that he has always been one to swallow his pain, in more ways than one, and that the vision he presents to the others is just a mirage. But he can't say it all. He cannot put those words into the world because that would mean that he would have to take Geto Suguru into his arms and never let go. Their world wouldn't allow that. And Satoru remembers how Suguru had called their power a curse a long time ago in their little student apartment, whilst looking out at the stars, and the weight of the world had lain on two young boys. He understands it now.
But as he returns from his mind and looks into those beloved eyes again, he realises that Suguru had heard all those words. Even though he had never said them aloud, Suguru had heard them. He looks at him for a long moment as if he were committing this picture to his memory. Satoru, sat in the glow of the setting sun on their bench and crowned with cherry blossoms. Then he smiles again. It somehow reaches his teary eyes, and Satoru doesn't know what that means.
“Goodbye Satoru”
“Goodbye Suguru”
And the words left unsaid stretch between them like Satoru’s own infinity, a world within a world.
With the passage of time, Satoru heard about Suguru from others.
Tales of cruelty and unbelievable atrocities. As those around him curse the name of Suguru Geto and say that he is just as bad as the worst demons, all Satoru hears in his mind is the repeating chant of “not my Suguru”. This couldn't be the same boy who had nursed birds back to health and fought bullies for weaker children.
The world moved on, and when he sees his best friend again, they are on opposite sides and mortal enemies. He has students to protect, and they depend on him. But fate or Suguru is kind, and they never have to face each other directly.
Then the Night Parade of 100 Demons happens. Satoru rushes to the place, his heart crashing with worry. For Yuta, he tells himself, but his heart whispers, “for Suguru too”. When he gets there, his student is long gone. He survived. But the love of his life isn't. His side is mangled and burnt, and Satoru knows that the time is short. And yet, when he sees him, Suguru smiles His old familiar smile. And those eyes, look at him, clear and happy. And this time it is Satoru’s eyes that betray him as he realises that he is crying as he walks closer.
“I tried”
“I know”
“It doesn't hurt too bad, you know”. Suguru smiles as he whispers, hiding his pain until the end. “He is very good, your student. You have trained him well. He will make a fine sorcerer”.
“He will”, Satoru agrees, because talking about his young charges was easier than talking about them.
“I want it to be you”, Suguru says softly, and his eyes do not waver as they stare into Satoru’s electric blue ones.
“I can't”
Please
It's that word again. And Satoru remembers the last time he had denied that plea and set them all on this path. So he agrees this time, hoping that he can change their paths this time.
He closes his eyes as he inhales and kneels closer. He touches that beloved face, and Suguru leans into his touch softly. Satoru feels the words pushing against his lips, a lifetime’s worth of confessions begging to be released. Suguru smiles and tilts his head up as much as he can, like he understands, and Satoru follows without thinking. He presses his lips to Suguru’s, and it's like their first time. He kisses him, and Suguru swallows all the words that Satoru had been saving behind his lips. But he still smiles when Satoru pulls away. Like he hadn't tasted Satoru’s tears and nothing else had mattered besides their kiss.
“You’ll be okay”, Suguru whispers as he caresses Satoru’s face with his unhurt hand. When Satoru starts to protest, Suguru smiles and holds his face. “You are strong, my Satoru. the strongest of us all. You will heal the world in a way I never could.” Satoru doesn't understand how Suguru can keep smiling at a time like this, but he smiles like this is the happiest he has ever been.
“I can't”
“Yes, you can”, Suguru reassures him like he was encouraging him with his sit-ups, not preparing to kill his best friend. He waits for Satoru to get into position and smiles again.
“Im glad I met you Satoru Gojo”
“I’m glad I met you, Suguru Geto”
Brown eyes meet Blue one last time.
“In another lifetime…”
Darkness.
The darkness never leaves Gojo after that. And he holds it close like his new black blindfold. He goes through the world, doing what he is supposed to. What he is told to. Ordered to. The Strongest, holding the world together. He lost friends and gained more. He taught his students to be better than him. He told them it was to make sure that they survived, but in his heart he knew that it was to make sure that they survived even without him.
He goes to Suguru’s apartment to clean it, and everything he owned fit into two suitcases. A lifetime made small. Everything was tidy and clean, but there was nothing of Suguru in that room. Satoru hated it. There were no photos or cute ornaments like he used to collect. No paintings or books.
As he turned to leave, Satoru tripped on a loose floorboard. When he bends down, he sees that it was covering a small storage space. In the hole is a small box and a diary. Satoru freezes as he recognises it immediately. Suguru had always been writing in that thing. He sits down heavily on the floor because his legs refuse to move and stares at the treasures in his lap. He opens the box first because he's a coward and immediately wishes he hadn't. Inside were photographs. All of them, of Satoru. Some were selfies of them together, but most were of Satoru just being himself. There was a pressed cherry blossom and one of Satoru’s old sunglasses, cracked but preserved carefully. He picks up the diary and opens it.
Inside, he reads how Suguru had seen their days together. Page after page of stories, and most of them, with Satoru in them. Satoru finds himself smiling and crying as he reminisces with Suguru.
“Today I joined JuJutsu High…”
“I made a new friend today. His name is Satoru…”
“Satoru and I played a prank on Yaga…”
“Satoru laughed so much today…”
“Satoru took me home today…”
The pages talked about their missions, often filled with Suguru’s dry commentary. Satoru snorts as he can almost hear his best friend saying those things as they bully Utahime together.
When the pages came to the mission with Riko, Satoru slowed down. He feels his heart grow heavier as he reads and relives that mission. When he reads about Suguru’s pain over Riko’s death, his own heart twists in sympathy. His best friend had suffered in silence for so long. But the diary entry ends with the line -
“ And Satoru is dead.”
The end of that sentence had a hole in it like a hand had viciously driven the pen into the page.
Satoru remembered with a jolt how Toji had nearly killed him and delivered the news to Suguru as he stood over Riko’s body. He had never thought about what it had meant for Suguru to receive that news. The next few pages are ripped and covered in angry pen marks. They go on, and at times Satoru can even see blotches where the ink has run that look suspiciously like tear marks. Then, towards the end of the diary, there is one last entry.
“Satoru came back. He said that he had almost died but that he had managed to heal himself using the Reversed Cursed Technique. I can't allow that to happen again.
We kill these curses, and they just keep coming back. I think the solution is to eliminate them at the source. Then sorcerers wouldn't get hurt and die trying to keep everyone alive.
Then, maybe Satoru can have a normal life. Maybe he can just be himself without having to be the Strongest and worry about keeping everyone safe. Then he wouldn't have to be hurt again.
I will find a way.”
There are no more entries after that.
As if Suguru had decided that nothing else was worth writing about after that. As if a life without Satoru in it had not been worth documenting. Satoru feels the breath leave his body as he realises what had set Suguru on his path. It had always haunted him, but he had never considered this as a reason.
Satoru doesn't remember how long he stays there, holding on to the diary and the box and soaking in the last memories of Suguru.
He gets back to life and teaching. And fighting the demons who come to take the ones he loves, and as he watches them get hurt over and over, he wonders if Suguru was right.
And when Sukuna cuts him down on the anniversary of the worst day of his life, he can't help but smile.
Suguru had been on his mind the whole day, and he was finally going to be with him. “How fitting”, he thought to himself as blood gurgled from his mouth. He would finally be reunited. Then he remembers Suguru’s last words. And as his life force fades away and another Six-eyes awakes in the world, Satoru prays to every God in the universe to send him to another lifetime where he can speak the words that were left unsaid. A lifetime where the hope that Suguru held may come to life. And he smiles as his last thought is of brown eyes crinkling in a smile and a familiar voice welcoming him home.