Work Text:
Living a life you don't deserve is suffocating. Ohse of all people would know this, of course, since he's the only person on earth who really, really doesn't deserve to live. As much as he wishes to die, his useless attempts are always stopped by the people around him.
“Ohse-kun, stop it! We want you to live! Please!”
But is there really anything good in life for a dirty maggot like him? For someone—something so disgusting, that it shouldn't even be allowed to have a body of its own, for something that's taking away unnecessary space that could be filled in with something so much more important than him?
He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to live like the rest of them. It's practically a sin for him to be here.
As shitty of him it already is to exist on earth, nothing makes him worse than telling these useless whines to another.
“Huh, so that's how you feel?”
“Yes..being this shitty is..immoral. An absolute crime. So..I want to know..”
“How could I die?”
Asking a question like that was selfish of him, and he could feel that deep inside. That guilt of asking someone who had nothing to do with his worthless problems to help him figure out a proper way to die made him want to scratch through his skin till he'd bleed out.
But all of that…sort of felt..okay? He knew he wasn't being judged, even if he should be. Fumiya's always given Ohse a much, much more different feeling than anyone else he was living with. Fumiya seemed sort of laid-back with how calm he was compared to everyone else whenever Ohse attempted to kill himself, and Ohse felt as if those worries he had told thousands of times to him would never leave outside of these hangouts..if you could even compare all those times to that.
“A black hole is suitable for you, I think. Gone in an instant, and it's very simple, yet different.”
“A black hole…”
To be consumed…thats the right answer to everything.
If Ohse could just be eaten alive by a black hole, he wouldn't be a nuisance anymore. To the world, or to his friends. But dying that way wasn't possible for him, no matter how much he wanted it to be.
Every night he was awake, he'd either stare up at the ceiling or paint. His mind would roll endlessly on multiple thoughts, ranging from worst to worse.
Dying by consumption…
‘Would that be possible without a black hole?’ he always thought. Maybe, if he was eaten by a wild animal. But it'd be too painful—for the others, that is.
And if this black hole wasn't consuming him whole, his shitty life sure was.
On the day he planned to leave everything behind, he was dragged back and stopped with those same words again.
“You’re not a nuisance..you're great to talk with..we like you!”
‘They don't actually need me, though.’ he thought. They were all just keeping him here so they'd have an useless bicycle to just crack jokes about, that's what it all was about, of course!
But if that'd really be it…then why…
“Why are you guys being so nice to me? Are you all out of your minds?”
This happiness…Ohse was undeserving of it. He didn't deserve these good people around him, not in any world, any universe.
They all looked at him as if he was some sort of pale white ghost, which he might as well have been. They were shocked, scared, or maybe even angry at him. But he was a piece of shit, so they all had every right to be.—
“Alright, I get it Ohse.”
Of course…Of course Fumiya would get it. After all, he's had to suffer through all of his complaints for so long—
“But this painting won't do. I won't accept this.”
‘Huh..? What is wrong with him!?’ Why would Fumiya not take it? Was it not good enough? Was it disgusting because a creature like Ohse made it? What was wrong with it, or what was wrong with him?!
"There's only six people in this picture. Ohse, you're not in it.”
Why should he be in it? The painting's supposed to be perfect, and he's anything but that. He'd ruin the painting, he'd…
“So don't just leave us with this shitty, lonely painting to remember you by.”
Was…Fumiya right?
Should he really not leave them with a painting like that? What difference does it make if he's in the picture or not? What difference does it make to Fumiya if he's not there? Why does he care? Why does he care about a shitty, good-for-nothing loser like Ohse?
This was all too much for him to think of, it felt painfully consuming.
—————
In the end, he stayed anyway. Why? He didn't know, but he knows he shouldn't have.
“Oh, Ohse.”
‘Shit shit shiiiit!!!’ It was Fumiya again…Ohse didn't have the courage to properly talk to him then, nor does he have any courage right now…
“Come with us to eat, yeah? Iori made something real good to celebrate that you stayed.”
“I'm sorry…but this piece of shit can't possibly join…I’d just ruin it all for you again.”
“Huh.”
The silence was deafening. Neither of them said a word for a few minutes, and they just awkwardly looked at each other eye to eye.
“You're already working on the painting again?”
“Mhm..yeah..I need to get it done as soon as possible, so this filthy bug can get out of your way.”
“I see.”
…
“The others still want you to come downstairs, though. They told me they won't eat anything till you come along, so…”
“..Ah.”
Why was there so much pressure put onto him? Why would they be willing to starve themselves for the sake of him being there with them? What benefit was there for anything they were doing for him?!
“Come, you can continue that later.”
Ohse twitched when Fumiya's warm hand fell to his shoulder…yet, it was oddly comforting, despite the air suffocating his lungs during the ‘depth’ of the moment.
“..Okay.”
—————
Everyday after that continued the same as it did before, nothing changing his daily, shut-in life while living with 6 other people.
He'd still go outside and sit by the water, looking out as far as his eyes could see.
Sometimes, Fumiya would be there, too. Even if Fumiya's presence didn't change that strange feeling of loneliness, it still brought warmth to his cold, empty body.
“Fumiya-san..I still…want to reach that black hole.”
“Hm? Well, maybe it's possible, maybe not. It's impossible to tell things like that.”
“I guess so…”
…
“Why..—”
He wanted to ask ‘Why, all the way back then, did you invite me to live with you?’ He wanted to know why he was really here, and what Fumiya was possibly getting out of it.
“Why..uh..shit, sorry. This piece of crap was about to utter out stupid bullshit..”
But he couldn't bring himself to, and he didn't know why. Maybe it was more comforting to just think that he wanted Ohse to be around him, rather than knowing what kind of odd reason he was actually in the house for.
“Mmm..You wanna go get ice cream?”
“Uhh..sure..but, do you have money..? I didn't take any with me, sorry…”
“Sure sure sure, let's go.”
Maybe Ohse didn't need to know what was actually going on inside Fumiya's head at all…Maybe it was better to just let those thoughts wander out his head, and let this warmth consume him whole.