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The bed shifts beneath Ilya, letting him know Shane is awake. He keeps his eyes closed though, even once soft lips press against his forehead. Ilya knows how much Shane enjoys his morning rituals after spending almost two weeks here at the cottage and he's learned the smell of coffee brewing is enough of a signal to let him know Shane's yoga session is done.
Rolling over, Ilya all but buries his face in Shane's pillow, breathing in the smell of the other. It only takes him a few moments to realize it's going to be one of those days and it weighs heavily on him as the realization sinks in. Part of Ilya had hoped being at the cottage could hold all of this back, could really change things for him, but now…
Peeling one eye open, Ilya watches the sun rise over the lake through the wall to wall windows in Shane's room and tries. He really does.
The time spent at the cottage has been better than he could ever have dreamed; better than he ever allowed himself to imagine. His emotions have run the gauntlet, from highs to lows, from sharing things he's never told anyone to moments so happy, he has a had time believing their real. After last night though, spending the afternoon talking with the Hollander's, he finds he isn't surprised he's finally crashed.
With a sigh, Ilya listens to Shane move around the cottage, hears the sound of coffee being made, and knows the other will be seeking him out soon. The world weighs entirely too heavily on him right now and Ilya finds himself only waiting for the inevitable: the questions about him still being in bed, the demands he get up, the comments about how lazy he is-
"Good morning, Ilya," Shane murmurs right before placing another soft kiss to Ilya's temples. A mug is set down on the table next to the bed and fingers carefully wind through his curls.
Ilya tries to find the energy to squeeze out a greeting. At his silence though, the bed behind him sinks slightly as Shane slides back into bed behind him. An arm wraps around his middle, a hand splays over his chest, and somehow the pressure lets him take then deepest breath he's taken of the morning so far.
When it comes back out shaky, he can feel Shane tense behind him. "Ilya? You doing ok?" The other man asks carefully.
Ilya only manages to take another deep, shaky breath in answer as he waits for Shane to catch on, waits for the words and harshness that always follows.
The hand moves from his chest to his arm and starts to run softly over his skin. Lips are pressed to the bare skin on his back in the spots that would normally drive him crazy, but today feel muted and muffled. He knows Shane is waiting for an answer, a reply of any kind, but he only continues to watch the sunlight dance across the lake.
When Shane finally stops trailing his lips over his skin, Ilya braces himself, knowing it must finally be coming. He's so tense, he almost misses the moment Shane goes to pull back; at the last second, Ilya moves his hand up and manages to graps onto the tips of Shane's fingers, holding him in place.
I just need a moment, need to pull myself together, need-
"I'm here for you, Ilya," Shane whispers into the space between them. "Whatever you need. Whatever I can give you. I'm here."
A whine builds in Ilya's throat and almost manages to slip out before he can swallow it down. His chest tightens all the same at the words and he wants so badly to believe them, to fall into the trap created by them.
Shane's fingers squeeze his arm, grab onto his hand tighter. "Is it… are you having…" Shane starts, the words trailing off. Ilya knows the pattern, knows Shane's brain is trying to put pieces together. Find words to questions he can't answer right now.
He's terrified of those questions. Of what his lack of answers will bring.
With the silence and the waiting crushing him, Ilya forces the words out of himself even as he feels his eyes burn because of them: "I just need a little extra… I'll stop being lazy soon, I just need-"
"Lazy?" Shane interrupts and Ilya feels the first tear slip past. "Ilya, you're on vacation, you're allowed to stay in bed longer if you want to. Why do you think you're being lazy?"
Groaning softly, Ilya takes a deep breath and- "It's true," he says, his voice deeper and softer than normal. "I have days where I am lazy. Where the world is too heavy and I am not strong enough to pull away from it… I'll.. I'll get up soon."
Somewhere along the way, his words thicken as more tears slip from his eyes. He knows Shane will hear them. The other man hardly ever misses anything like that. At least, not when it comes to him.
Sure enough, Shane's arm wraps around his middle once more, the hold tighter than it was earlier. "Ilya…" he whispers.
"I'll stop being lazy, I will, I-"
Blankets shifting behind him is all the warning Ilya gets; Shane shifts back, pulling Ilya with him, forcing the man to rollover as he goes until Ilya finds himself face to face with the man he loves. He can barely manage to look at the other, chest tight as the fear of what he will find in those eyes creeps into him, and the only thing he can do is bury his face into Shane's chest.
Both of Shane's arms wrap around him instantly. One hand goes to his curls, the other splays across his back, gripping him tightly, pulling him closer. "Ilya," Shane breathes out. "Please talk to me, tell me what's going on. What can I do to help?"
Ilya shakes his head, not knowing where to even begin. How could he possibly explain to Shane the weight on his chest after all of the beautiful moments they have had? How could he let the other know what it feels like to have run so high and low and everywhere in between until he feels completely wrang out and empty?
After being so afraid to even come to the cottage, afraid of being recognized, afraid of what actually sharing a living space with his lover would feel like… To being so open and vulnerable for the first time in his life, sharing stories about his mother, about the life in Russia he can never return to, of realizing exactly what he is giving up.
Even the moments of intense joy and happiness, of laying on the couch, cooking, fucking, sharing their feelings… Falling even deeper in love until Ilya couldn't tell if he would ever be caught by his own demons again.
He was doing so well, so incredibly good, until he started to think about the fact that their two weeks was almost up. The thought crossed him mind late last night, once they had returned from Shane's parents house. He had tried to put it out of his mind immediately; no sense dwelling on something that wasn't right in front of him.
As the night progressed, as he and Shane fell into each others arms, sweat and other fluids soaking the sheets, he couldn't stop thinking about how many few times they had left to do this. Couldn't hold back the tightness in his chest as he started counting the days, months, until they could be this close again. It wasn't even just the sex he found himself worrying about, but all the rest of it as well.
As Shane continues to run his hands over Ilya's back, Ilya can only bring himself to keep breathing, keep from breaking down completely as it all rushes and swirls around inside of him. All of the emotions mixing with the echos in his mind, the words of others telling him how worthless and less than he was on days when the world was too much… Ilya clings to Shane, trying to anchor himself in whatever way he can.
"I don't think I want this week to ever end," Shane whispers out of no where. Ilya latches on to the words, needing something to keep him from spiraling further.
"I mean, of course I can't wait for the season to start back up again, for games to get going again, but…" Shane takes a deep breath and Ilya does his best to match it, even if his is much more shaky. "This has been the best couple of weeks of my life. Getting to spend time with you, not worrying what others might find out, might think, not having to hide…"
Ilya chokes back a sob.
"And I know we talked about our plan, how to be closer, how to spend more time together," Shane continues. "But I don't know how I'm supposed to wait for all of that. How I'm supposed to know what it feels like to spend such a long stretche of time with you and go back to not seeing you for days and weeks."
It's all Ilya can do to keep breathing, to keep holding onto Shane. Part of him wants to revert to his old defense mechanisms, wants to put up his shield and be angry and push Shane away from him. It's protected him in the past so many times, but now…
"Part of me thinks you feel the same way right now. That you don't want this to end either. Not that I think… I don't know if that's the only thing on your mind, but…"
Shane's words trail off and Ilya knows he is waiting for him. Waiting for Ilya to fill in the blanks, to turn to the person who anchors him in this world in ways he's never asked for, never allowed himself to want. When the words do come to him, he almost can't bring himself to say them.
"I've lost so much," he whispers through the tears. "I've lost… And I don't want you to know what that feels like. Not the ways I have."
Shane pulls back at those words and Ilya closes his eyes, squeezing them tightly. The hand in his hair lowers, moving until it cups his face. Soft strokes under his eyes let him know Shane is brushing away his tears, even as a soft kiss against his forehead only serves to cause more to fall.
"Please look at me?" Shane asks so carefully. Ilya has never been able to resist that voice, especially not in that tone. With a soft whine, he pulls his eyes open and finds one's full of so much waiting for him.
"I love you," Shane murmurs and Ilya clings to the words. "I love all parts of you."
"I love you, too," Ilya manages to say, even though the words are softer than ever. "I don't want to lose this. I don't know-"
"You won't," Shane interrupts. "We won't."
It's such a simple reassurance. One that shouldn't be able to hold as much promise as it does. All the same, Ilya feels something in him let go and unravel at the words. The heaviness is still there, the feeling of the world being too much is something he knows won't go away any time soon but…
As the two continue to stare at each other, Ilya allows himself to believe things will work out eventually. That they will get more time together, more time for this, for each other. This time when Shane moves to press a kiss against him, Ilya meets him half way.
It's quick, chaste even compared to what their kisses usually are, but Ilya doesn't mind. Instead, he burrows back into Shane's arms, pressing up against that strong, smooth chest he loves so much. Shane's heartbeat in his ear grounds him, along with the hand that threads back into his hair.
Shane takes a deep breath. "Whenever you're ready, we'll figure out the next step. Even if it's just reheating the coffee, making breakfast, and ending up on the couch in a pile of blankets for the day."
"I think I would like that," Ilya whispers after a moment.
He's spent. Drained. And from past experiences, the feelings will last so much longer than he wants them too. For once though, he knows he doesn't have to go through it alone. Or hide exactly how he's feeling.
"For the record," Shane starts after another stretch of silence passes between them. "I still don't think you're lazy. Even now that I think I know where that idea might have come from."
Ilya can only sigh. The words will always dance around in his head during times like this, but knowing Shane doesn't see him that way helps more than he cares to admit. "Breakfast sounds like good idea," he whispers.
"Whenever you're ready," Shane replies and it's everything Ilya needs to hear and more. Everything he never realized he was missing.
"I love you…"
"And I love you, Ilya."