Actions

Work Header

How Many Times Will I Drown?

Summary:

Dove had died last year. Andrew had been hallucinating her for that whole time. He was struggling, it was his fault Thomas had gotten hurt. It was honestly pathetic how much his grief consumed him. Andrew knew it was stupid to be so disgusted in himself, his twin sister, only person other than Thomas who understood him, was dead. Grief is how he should react, but all he could see is all the wounds he had dressed for Thomas that he somehow gave him with his own grief.

Notes:

Title inspired by The Ballad of Costa Concordia by Car Seat Headrest

Thank you to my best friend for the idea (@raul_raul)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Dove had died last year. Andrew had been hallucinating her for that whole time. He was struggling, it was his fault Thomas had gotten hurt. It was honestly pathetic how much his grief consumed him. Andrew knew it was stupid to be so disgusted in himself, his twin sister, only person other than Thomas who understood him, was dead. Grief is how he should react, but all he could see is all the wounds he had dressed for Thomas that he somehow gave him with his own grief. 

Andrew should be happy Thomas Rye, the one he had been in love with for all of high school. The one he had spent his nights laughing with, the one whose auburn hair was burned into his head, the one who always had ink on his fingers. Thomas 

Andrew should be over the moon, they had won the fight against his monsters, he and Thomas were both okay, Thomas had collapsed into him when it was all over.

He whispered “It will stop hurting,”

Andrew had whispered back “All my stories are about you. They always will be. Tell me if this is real. Please.”

”Kiss me” the kiss was slow and a little bloody. It was real it was truly Thomas. The walk back to school was longer than it should have been. The trees were painted with dawn.

They got back to their room as Andrew’s alarm went off. Thomas started to laugh full and lovely as always, but his eyes were gaunt and tired. Andrew knew he looked the same, his clothes dirty and bloody from his story, his hair was tangled and full of leaves. 

He was not going class, he didn’t care what they did to him. He was sleeping. Thomas was already changing into fresh clothes and wiping the dirt from his face. Andrew followed suit, he was about to get into his own bed when Thomas cleared his throat. Andrew turned and fell almost immediately into Thomas’s arms. Maybe they were really okay Andrew hoped as he fell asleep. 

Screams 

andrew was running. he heard Dove behind him yelling that thomas wasn’t real. he knew she was dead and yet…

and yet

and yet

DOVE DOVE DOVE DOVE DOVE

he was crying, screaming. the screams were coming from him. he was screaming, he was crying. Dove was staring at him only it wasn’t the right Dove. she had blood coming from her head. she was crying, trying to talk but all that was happening was bleeding. 

he was hungry. thomas was staring at him. there was a meal of something in front of him. he began to chew against his will.  

FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD 

he was crouching over a toilet. puking his guts up. it was the food he had eaten with thomas until it WASN’T. blood and leaves

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG

HELP HELP HELP HELP

He was screaming, Thomas’s arms were already around him. The held him tighter until Thomas’s face came into focus. Andrew stared into his eyes. They were really nothing like the eyes of dream Thomas.

Andrew was crying into his shoulder. The warmth of sleep surrounding him, soft, sweet, and smelling like Thomas. He let Thomas whisper about how much he loved Andrew and how it was okay to miss Dove.

Andrew was awake, he knew he only had more dreams waiting for him so he stayed awake. He wanted to stay here forever it was safe and homey here in Thomas’s arms. Thomas slept the day away and Andrew watched over him with grief and love in his heart. 

Notes:

Is this me coping because I just bought Hazelthorn and I’ve been told it’s worse? Maybe

Can you stop me? No

Did I finish this book over a year ago and am still recovering? Yes

Kudos and Comments are appreciated

Thanks for reading