Chapter Text
Guy remembered the very first time he truly paid attention to the words that showed up on his body.
It was the night of his 15th birthday, and it fucking sucked. Even on his birthday it seemed like Guy could not catch a break. He was lying in his bed trying to get himself to relax after his dad’s most recent beating. He had thought maybe since it was technically a special day his dad would reel it in to just a little screaming maybe a small fight but, no. It was stupid to think his dad would even remember what day it was let alone care about it.
Now here he was lying in bed as bruises bloomed over his pale freckled skin, trying to breath through the pain hoping nothing was damaged internally.
He knew at the end of the day it was his fault for putting himself between his parents. He was always doing stupid shit like that, but if he didn’t protect his mom who would? Things had gotten so much worse ever since his brother Mace moved out. That’s not to say things were ever sunshine and rainbows when Mace was around but it sure as hell wasn’t like this. Ever since his brother left it seemed that it was happening more and more that he’d have to take an extra beating to protect his mom, to keep the peace. It wasn’t like his dad needed an excuse to beat Guy but it was exhausting having to pick fights with his dad so his attention would be on him instead of her.
Everything felt unbearable.
The soft light spilling in from the window as the sun began to set burned his eyes, he squeezed them shut making his headache worse. The pounding in his head was like a thousand drums behind his eyes. The touch of his sheets against his bruised flesh made him itch as he wrapped himself further in them, cocooning himself to try and feel secure, safe. The need to be tucked in tightly contrasting against the overwhelming feeling of needing to not have anything touching him was suffocating. He needed to calm down but he didn’t know how tonight.
Everything felt horrible.
He was just so physically and emotionally drained. He wanted to sleep, sleep and pretend this was all just a bad dream he could escape from That maybe he could open his eyes and be somewhere new. That when he opened his eyes again, he wouldn’t be in pain, he’d have a normal family that loved each other. A family where the idea ever harming each other physically was unthinkable, unheard of. Unfortunately, he could close and open his eyes as many times as he wanted but things were never going to change. So instead of wasting anymore energy on wishing for things that would never be he decided to focus on what felt like impossible task number two: find a way to get comfortable and relax.
Guy rolled over gently to try and take some of the pressure off his right side where his ribs felt on fire. As he slowly flipped, he cushioned his head with his hand and that’s when he saw it. The handwriting itself wasn’t necessarily sloppy, but it also wasn’t that neat. It was different than all the little notes he’d seen previously. Notes that had been sloppily written as quick reminders. The message was written somewhat small on the inside of his wrist. It looked almost hesitant but still somehow carried a bit of cockiness to it.
I figured this little game of chicken we’re playing is getting old
His heart began to pound his chest, puffing out a short laugh, suddenly, the concerns that had made such an ever present home nestled deep in his chest about his father and his anger melted away as a new fear accompanied by a little hit of excitement filled its place. His soulmate. Guy had been too unsure about writing to them when he had turned 14. It had been drilled into him by his father that he was unworthy of the honor of having a soulmate. That even the universe was not cruel enough to saddle some unfortunate soul with being linked to Guy in such a way.
Deep down Guy knew that wasn’t true because he had seen little marks and notes written on his skin. Things he knew couldn’t have been from him, but they also had never been directed at him. So, he let doubt consume his mind and make him believe it was for the best he never said anything. Now, as he struggled to sit up, Guy wished he hadn’t been so afraid.
He searched for a pen on his night table to respond with shaking hands.
So, what I’m hearing is I’m the winner
Winner? More like chicken. Too scared to write me? Kinda lame.
Shame and anger flared up in Guy. What did they know? They didn’t know him. They had no idea why he’d held off for so long. Barely even a real conversation in and he had somehow already messed up with his soulmate.
Fuck you. He wrote back.
We’ll get there, babe, now that I’ve finally got us talking.
Why’d you never write back?
Back? So that meant one of two things then. Either his soulmate was older and had written a real introduction on their 14th birthday and because he wasn’t 14 yet he didn’t get to see it or his soulmate thought using Guy as a glorified post it note was a good introduction.
He sat with that for a while. How much should he really say? They were supposed to be his soulmate so if there was anyone he could be honest with it was them, right? After what felt like hours but could only have been a few moments he decided to try and play it cool.
Well to be fair I only turned 15 today and for the past year you’ve never directly written anything to me.
Plus, my dad might not be too happy about the whole soulmate thing
Why would your old man be upset about that, doll?
Wait 15?! No shit? That explains a lot
Guy felt himself flush at the endearment and then more at the shocked reaction to his age. The use of doll caught his attention in more ways than one. In his experience, though he was willing to admit that maybe 15 years wasn’t that much experience, he’d never heard a girl call a boy doll.
How old are you?
Are you a dude?
19…yeah?
Guy stared at his arm helplessly. Great! Just fucking great! No, not only was his soulmate older than him, but they were also a dude. A fucking dude! His dad had beaten him straight into the E.R. over way less, this might actually get him killed if he ever found out. Guy had always secretly hoped his soulmate would be a man, but he never actually let himself believe that they would be. He assumed it’d be some girl and that would be that. His feelings about other boys wouldn’t matter because it would be a girl. That, evidently, was not the case. Then doubt reared its ugly head again because what if his soulmate wasn’t okay with him also being a dude. Obviously, he’d already assumed Guy was in fact a Gal given the fact that he had already chosen to call him doll. What is this was all some sick joke the universe was playing on him?
Apparently, Guy had taken too long to reply because he was treated to a cryptic message from his soulmate of
Thigh
It took a moment before his brain caught up and he eased himself out of his pants, wincing with every movement, to stare at his leg to see words peaking out from the hem of his boxers. Pushing his boxer leg up out of his way, he read the small writing.
Are you not a girl?
Guy choked on air. What did he say? Was his soulmate also not safe? Was he disgusted at the idea that Guy was a man? No, it couldn’t be, they were soulmates. The universe literally chose them for each other there is no way the universe would be that cruel that his soulmate would be homophobic. At least that’s what he hoped for as he wrote his reply. Guy had to catch a break somewhere, didn’t he?
No, I’m not.
Misplaced guilt suddenly twisted in his gut like a snake that threatened to choke him from the inside out as he scribbled out a quick
sorry.
Luckily for Guy, for once, the universe was smiling down on him with his soulmate’s hasty reply.
No, no, sweetheart don’t be sorry. We just gotta be careful. can’t have people finding out.
Once again Guy was left wondering if his soulmate was safe or maybe he was simply just ashamed. It seemed based off the current conversation it could go either way but maybe it if Guy was lucky, in a sick twisted way, they were in similar situations. A way they could understand each other.
How come?
Ever hear of don’t ask don’t tell?
You’re in the military?
Air force, baby
So, Guy now knew two things that we’re certain about his soul mate. He was a he and he was incredibly fond of pet names. It felt nice in a way. It made him feel loved like maybe just maybe whatever was so broken in him that made it impossible for his father to love him enough not to beat him and for his mother to not love him enough to leave wouldn’t matter here. That his soulmate would be able to see past whatever made him so unlovable and wouldn’t mind. It gave him hope that for his soulmate he would be enough, broken or not.
Time passed, seasons changed, they both grew, and they continued to talk through the writing on their skin.
Guy would tell his soulmates of his plans to become a teacher and a child psychologist how he wanted to make a difference for other children like him. His soulmate would often tell him tales about his time in the Air Force, as much as he was able and when his life shifted, he talked about his job as a test pilot. It felt so surreal somedays that there was just this person, his person, just out there somewhere. A person that was made for him and he for them at times it was an incredible feeling. It could also be so incredibly frustrating.
None of it really made any sense when you really sat down and thought about it. The idea that the universe gives you this person but only when you turn 14 and even then, you can’t write names or anything really useful seems so ridiculous at times. It was laughable even that he (and so many others like him) was just stuck in this limbo effect of knowing his soulmate but not really. Guy wanted to hear his voice, his laugh, see him smile, feel his touch. Unfortunately, none of that was even a possibility until Guy turned 18 and even then, who knew.
None the less having the connection they had gave Guy a new hope for the future that he had never given himself to indulge in before. A hope that he could have a real future with someone who loved him.
That was all until his soulmate went silent for over a month.
It wasn’t unheard of for them to go without speaking for a small amount of time, but this length of time was unheard of in the past four years.
It was Guy’s 18th birthday and he was hoping for a miracle. It didn’t have to even be a message directed to him, just anything that showed Guy his soulmate wasn’t gone. The day passed and still nothing by the time he laid down to sleep. Not that he’d be able to sleep with the storm that was raging in his chest. The only thing Guy knew for sure was that he was alive otherwise his name would have appeared on his wrist.
Knowing the other was alive was a relief but that relief wasn’t enough to alleviate the deep hurt that remained in his heart. It was as though all the roots Guy thought he was planting with his soulmate began to wither and rot right before him.
He felt so stupid. So angry.
He should have seen it coming, it made perfect sense that even his soulmate would abandon him too. He had probably realized over the past few years that regardless of what the universe thought, Guy wasn’t worth it. Whatever, he didn’t need a soulmate. He didn’t need anyone.
Eventually after another month of complete radio silence his soulmate did pop back up but with no real explanation for his absence. He never even offered a real apology for disappearing. It didn’t matter, Guy never replied. In the end his soulmate gave up trying to talk to him after a few days with very little fight. It hurt to see how little it mattered to his soulmate, but it was better this way. He didn’t need him and clearly his soulmate felt the same.
So, as it often does, time continued to pass.
Slowly his life moved on, he managed to get away from the hell hole that was his parents’ little apartment. As much as it hurt and as hard as it was to leave his mother behind, he knew he had to. He often wished that he could have taken her with him, gotten them both out of there and given his mother a chance at her own life. He often wondered what that might have looked like for her, what kind of person she could be if she wasn’t constantly consumed by fear. The life he knew she really deserved but that life would never be for her. He knew she’d never leave his father except in death. That didn’t mean he had to throw away that life for himself. That dream of something better. He so deeply wished that he had been enough for her to leave since it seemed she herself wasn’t reason enough to be free, but it wasn’t his cross to bear any longer.
It was his time to make his own way in this world.