Chapter Text
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths
Enwrought with golden and silver light
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams
I have spread my dreams under your feet
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. -W. B Yeats
Thursday June 11th, 2009
The floorboards creaked, murmuring in surprise to the presence of a moving creature in the house. Dan carefully made his way through the corridor, careful to put as little weight as possible on his steps. Morning had not yet broken and the world outside the window stood dark and still. He made his way to the bathroom, where Dan pulled on his garish green work uniform and clipped his name tag on.
“Daniel, Happy to help” read the ASDA name tag. Dan was no such thing .
He stared at his name in the mirror, scratched on with smudged sharpie. Someone looked back at him, blank faced and weary eyed. It was an odd thing, to not recognise oneself, to feel completely distinct to the body staring back at you. He expected to look in the mirror and see a much younger version of himself. He knew had grown physically from when he was in school, but Dan knew that not from anything had seen within himself but from a more logical understanding of the passing of time and its effect on his body. To him, the boy standing in the mirror was completely alien from the curly haired kid that had once stood on his tiptoes to barely see the top of his head reflected in the finger printed mirror.
It was still him. The same dour, brown eyes. At 18 years old, he stood over six feet. His limbs heavy and clumsy, but with a youthful scrawniness that Dan could simply not eat away (and not for lack of trying). His work uniform hung loose on his frame. He wanted to go to back to bed.
Dan made his way downstairs, which was as hauntingly still as upstairs. The furniture in Dan’s house was very old but somehow remained pristine, a sign of its infrequent use.
Dan pushed the door open and stepped into the cold morning. The sun was already creeping up behind the horizon, but he felt no inclination to stop and watch as the hills became painted with orange sunlight. Dan knew the way to the ASDA so well that he didn't have to give much thought to the movement of his feet as they carried him away. The wind was cool and light as it danced around his brown fringe, which had been straightened and combed down yesterday morning to keep it in control. His thin, long legs carried him past the cobbled road outside his house and into whatever excuse Wokingham had for a town square, which was brought to life with voices kept quiet in the waking morning.
He walked for a while. From hills to parking lot after parking lot. The ASDA stood on another parking lot, which Dan finally made it to only six minutes after he was meant to.
The next eight hours went by slowly. Dan’s mind remained almost fully empty as he went through the motions. Checking customers out, mopping the floor. How can I help you’s and toilet paper on aisle six’s came naturally, without much force. Dan struggled to think of too much these days. His brain heavy and dull, like a sort of fog had decided to settle within him. It helped, in a way, as it stopped Dan from twisting thoughts into dreadful scenarios but it also kept him in an odd state of half awakeness. He didn't mind it. It was better then before.
At 3, Dan was done with his shift. He gathered his stuff, counted the money in the register, and made his way out. He nodded at the young woman who replaced him when he finished the shift, whose name he had never bothered to ask. The two had never spoken, actually, but it didn't seem like either of them cared. Dan was now free to do with the day as he wanted, so he made his way home.
When Dan finally made it back to the safety of his bedroom, he splayed down on his bed and opened his laptop. He hadn't received any Myspace notifications. His profile remained completely blank but for a single picture of a piano. It used to be his piano, but that was some time ago now. Dan opened another tab and searched for Youtube. He liked Youtube. He liked watching people his age talk about their lives and friends, sometimes it felt like a facetime call where he listened attentively to someone who was eager to talk to him.
Dan’s eyes scanned the screen until they stopped on the video. AmazingPhil had posted. He broke into a slight smile despite himself and clicked on the video, quickly plugging in his headphones to ensure he wouldn't disturb the evening silence.
A lot of AmazingPhil videos followed a similar structure. The dark haired protagonist, Phil, mostly spoke to the camera about his occurrences. He was charismatic in an easy going sort of way, where you could tell it took some practiced effort to talk in front of a camera but not too much to make him seem stiff and procedural. Dan thought Phil was particularly handsome. His bright blue eyes contrasted strikingly with his strong aquiline nose (he remembered learning that word in art history a level and it seemed adequate). Dan quite liked his stupid jokes and relaxed energy. The video was a particularly good and unusual one, where Phil started out splayed on the floor, leaning on his bed and seemingly asleep.
He Wakes
Read the screen. Dan was immediately interested, this wasn’t like Phil’s usual videos. The video went on to explain that Phil (or whoever the protagonist was) remembered nothing of his past:
You are his only hope
Informed the video. Then Dan was given two options, Poke Phil or Explore.
The video was like nothing Dan had see on youtube before. It was a chose your own adventure space extravaganza that somehow occupied Dan’s entire afternoon and managed to keep him from drifting into foggy thoughts. Dan felt an odd sort of thrill whenever Phil looked into the camera, his blue eyes big and curious. Sometimes it felt like Phil was looking right at him. Dan spent all afternoon clicking and re-clicking on all the options. How did he think of this? Dan wondered How long did this take him?
In a moment of giddy admiration for Phil that seemed a little childish for his age, Dan pulled up the video comments and wrote:
danisnotonfire: awesome video!!!11!1!! its my birthday today- can i get a happy birthday XD
Nevermind that it was the first time Dan had even considered his birthday today, what was he even meaning to achieve with this? Yet, before he could think about the embarrassing ordeal too much, Dan pressed send.
He shut his laptop and went to bed.
The next morning was none too different from the last.
Dan’'s days tended to meld into each other. He sometimes wondered how long it had been since the last time he had spoken out loud to someone who wasnt a customer. He wondered that if the day came when he did speak again, his voice would be completely gone, like a muscle long gone unused; worked thin and weak.
Sometimes he'd fantasize that he lived alone. That his parents was long gone, and Dan chose to live alone in this big empty house, separated from the rest of the world by choice. His fantasies were always shattered when he saw a glimpse of another person, sometimes in the kitchen or walking past the halls. Like a sort of specter, haunting the corners of Dan’s life. He did his best to avoid any sort of conversation with anyone, especially his family. His silent days became a long cycle of repetition, motions following motions.
However, that day did end up being different. As soon as Dan got home from work, he opened his laptop to a notification that made him catch his breath:
AmazingPhil: thanks XD happy birthday!!!!1!!1