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Lily ran out into the corridors of the dungeons. All of it was too much. She can feel the corset of her dress pressing into her ribs and restricting her breath. She felt the baby hairs falling out from her updo and tickling the high points of her face. It was uncomfortable and restraining. Lily tried to take deep breaths in and out, desperate to regulate every thing in her body. Desperate to push down that feeling of disgust and dread as she replayed Davies' words in her head. She clawed at the wall of the corridor begging for some balance in her ever spinning world.
"Evans!"
He followed her. She knew he would.
James had provoked Davies all night. He badgered Davies about his pureblood views and questioned his morals. She felt Davies stiffen next to her, clinging onto his arm hoping he wouldn't fall for the bait James placed. She was hoping he wouldn't utter the words she knew Davies was thinking.
"Well, of course I'm bothered by all the muggleborns joining the wizarding community! It's outrageous! They're taking up jobs and spots in elite schools. I'm not saying what Voldemort is doing is right, I just think that we should be handling muggleborns better."
Lily had dropped his arm immediately, she felt her throat go dry and her eyes widen. He insisted over and over again that she was an exception. Why does she always have to be an exception? Why can't she just be it?
Davies fell for James's bait and said all the things she was scared of him thinking. He thought she was unworthy scum, taking away from him. Lily's blood boiled, the same dirty blood that Davies spit on. Lily was frustrated, venom and vitriol burned her insides. She felt the impulsive and disgusting urge to scream and throw things, an emotion she carried often and was ashamed of. Instead, she did what she knew best. She got mad at James.
"What?!" she screamed at him, spinning on her heel. Her head felt dizzy as she moved fast and let go of the wall. He didn't back down from her glare, instead he stepped into the light of it and held his head up.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know he would say that, honest. I just thought I would poke fun at him."
"You didn't know?" she screeched. "Of course you didn't know, Potter, of course! That's always your excuse, that you didn't know. You said that after that day on the lake too. You always say you don't know, but that can't be your excuse every time. You aren't some child just learning how to walk. You KNOW how those people are!"
Lily tugged at her hair, exasperated and tired. James stared back at her intently, his eyes wide behind his glasses. She can see guilt and anger swirling in his irises as he stared right back at her. He did that a lot. Stared at her. He never broke away first. Sometimes Lily thought that they would be stuck staring at each other for hours because James never knew when to back down.
"And did you?" he shot back, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Did you know he was like that? Because if you did, you should know better, Evans."
His words stuck her because she did know. She did know that Davies was some self-important pureblood, but she had tried to overlook it. Just like she tried to look it over with Snape. It's like she keeps taking chances on these men she know will wreck her spirit, she doesn't know why she does it. Maybe if they never talked about it, she could find comfort in him. Maybe he could like her.
"Oh, don't give me that crap, Potter. 'You should know better', what do you even know about me? Maybe I am as stupid and airheaded as they think! You don't bloody know me, so fuck off and leave me alone!"
Lily spat these words at him with as much poison as she could. She hoped that she sounded angry enough that James would leave her alone. She willed James not to see right through her.
"Don't give me that crap. You're a smart bird, Evans. You're top of the class, and have a such a sharp wit you could cut down forests with your words. So what are you doing?"
"Go away. Find someone else to stick your insufferable savior complex on."
"My insufferable savior complex? What about your incessant need to do everything alone and act like some broken loser."
"Stop repeating what I'm saying!"
"You did know, didn't you?" James said, his voice rising. "You did know, and you still went out with him."
"I thought he was different!"
"No, you didn't, Evans!"
He was yelling at her now. He's never yelled at her.
"You didn't think he was different, you know exactly what kind of prejudiced freak he was, and yet here you are parading around with him like you're his lucky keychain! Yet you feel important enough to stomp around and tell me I'm no different than 'them'"
She had said that to him after he the incident by the lake. She looked at the way James folded into himself after he said it out loud. Her words had struck him in a way she didn't know it did.
"I didn't mean that."
"You can't even so much as look at me, but you can go out with him? Why?"
"I don't know."
"Tell me, Evans."
"No!"
"TELL ME!"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
The words tore through her and ripped her apart. She felt her throat burn, and the angry hole in chest grow deeper. She grabbed at the wall again to steady herself. Her heart beat relentlessly against her chest, threatening to hop out and splay itself on the corridor floor. Every emotion rose to the surface and encompassed her, hot and unforgiving. She felt sadness, loneliness, anger, and guilt. She thought about Severus, her childhood friend and the person she thought understood her, and how he called her mudblood. His words had cut through her mercilessly her and stole away her childhood innocence. In a moment, Lily lost every good thing about growing up isolated in Cokeworth. In a moment's notice Lily's childhood had been burned and buried in front of her. She heaved deep breaths and shut her eyes tight. Even with her eyes closed, she knew James had drawn near to her. Close enough to stop her from falling, but not close enough to touch.
She thought about Davies. She had picked him because he was secure and offered her a world she could only imagine. He was her gateway to the pureblood way of living. No one was judging you based on your blood purity. Lily could apply for jobs or walk down the streets of Diagon Alley without feeling like she didn't belong or was unworthy. He had rich pureblood friends who splurged and splurged on vanities. They had rich laughs and rich clothes. When she was with him, Lily could pretend to be something she was not and she liked that. She liked the version of her that wasn't muggleborn. She envied that version of her, but she knows it was all a fantasy. That one day it would all catch up to her and tear her down to pieces.
"Lily?"
"Stop."
She heaved more heavy breaths, in and out, willing the tears burning at her eyes not to flow.
"You don't need him to be worthy, Lily. You already belong."
Lily felt her stomach churn because James had read her like a book. He saw right through her. It's like he reached right into her mind and soul and plucked her thoughts straight from her. He couldn't just leave her alone and let her brew in pain. She didn't know whether to resent him or give into him, but his tone was soft. It was kind and welcoming. She felt his palm fall heavy on her back and rub her gently up and down. She leaned into the touch and let go of the wall, letting James's hand stabilize her.
"I thought they'd like me more if I was with him," she said, her voice quiet like his, but it was sorrowful.
James used the hand on her back to pull her into an embrace.
"I just want them to like me, James." she sobbed into his shoulder, giving into the tears. "I just want to get a job, live a life, and be accepted. I'm tired of playing myself up. Always smiling pretty and bowing to others. I want someone to like ME, James. Just one damn person. I'll even get down on my knees and pray to the entity that keeps fucking me over if it means I'll have someone."
He stroked her hair and rested his chin on top of her head.
"I like you, Lily. I like you just fine."
Lily closed her eyes and relaxed against James's chest. She could hear his heart beat in his chest and soon hers followed his beat. She listened closely and breathed slowly, letting her feelings wash away like soft waves crawling away from the shore.
"Don't be with him," he paused, his voice was barely a whisper. It could've got lost in the wind if Lily wasn't so close to him.
Lily just hummed in agreement.
For the first time in a long time, Lily felt like she belonged, right there, in his arms.