Chapter Text
Sunoo sits on an ottoman at his own album release party, completely alone.
Two half-full flutes of champagne rest next to his hand. One is his, and one is some model’s whose name he’s already forgotten. Sunoo could tell five minutes into their conversation that the model was looking to hook up and ended up ignoring him until he left for greener pastures.
The party is happening around him, but Sunoo really has nothing to do with it. Half of this is the nature of the industry, where a lot of people who worked with Sunoo on his album, or who own the building Sunoo recorded in, or the label that’s distributing it, all get together to celebrate and network and sleep together. The other half of it is Sunoo’s fault.
Normally he would be floating around the room, latching onto producers as he drunkenly thanks them and getting the big suit execs to take shots with him. Last year, after he’d released an EP he swore was going to kill him, Sunoo got so fucked up drunk with his bassist that his manager banned him from drinking at company parties for six months.
Tonight he’s just not feeling it, even though he should be.
A full album is no small feat. Sunoo spent over a year writing the album, pulled songs that had never fit into any of his old releases, and rewrote lyrics up until he was physically in the recording booth. It took him days to lock down on the song order, and three different photoshoots for him to finally have a picture he liked enough for the cover. He’d been taking classes on sound mixing, and sat with them in the booth to actually help on the back end for once.
This album, Converge, was a bit of a magnum opus for Sunoo.
And listen, he’s had people tell him his entire career that pop music isn’t serious. That his music is for girls birthday parties and bachelorette weekends. But Sunoo likes that. He’s always adored his fan base, and the videos that go viral of them screaming his lyrics at clubs or crying to the break up songs with their friends. The fact that he impacts people like that is deadly serious to him. Converge is serious to him.
But Sunoo is alone.
There are people who care about him at this party. Jungwon, his manager. Christine, the bassist he spent a night in the hospital with over suspected alcohol poisoning. All of the people he works with regularly. Riki, the kid he’s kind of taken under his wing. Just not the person he’s hoping would actually be there. With a deep sigh, Sunoo grabs his champagne flute and downs the rest of it, then grabs the model’s and finishes that one too. It’s kind of chic, he thinks to himself, moodily drinking champagne at a party that’s supposedly all about him. That one song, it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to, floats through his head and Sunoo vaguely wonders if he would be allowed to sample it for a single.
Before he can get too far into new music, Jungwon plops down next to him, two full espresso martinis in his hands. Sunoo takes one wordlessly and gulps down as much as he can fit in his mouth. Jungwon sips at his as delicately as he always does. Sunoo shoves down the petty urge to knock his glass so it spills onto Jungwon’s pristinely white dress shirt.
“What’s wrong, Noo?” Jungwon asks gently, eyes wide with understanding Sunoo doesn’t want to look too deeply into. “You’re usually more energetic on such an exciting night.”
Sunoo shrugs. They both already know. “He’s not here.”
Jungwon sighs and glances around the room. “He’s not, is he.”
Silently, Sunoo stares at two people making out in the corner. It’s not technically supposed to be that kind of party, but there’s usually a few couples who take it too far. It’s a guy and a woman, a pairing Sunoo honestly hasn’t seen in months, and it looks like they’re having fun. Probably too much fun, geez. The guy is grabbing at the woman’s waist like he’s trying to meld her into his skin. Sunoo can’t help but think of when he used to get kissed in public like that.
“You know,” Sunoo says, narrowed eyes moving to focus on where the bartender is leaned over the bar flirting with who Sunoo thinks might be the CEO’s wife, “he played the Rangers tonight.”
“He’s probably tired then,” Jungwon says.
“Yeah,” Sunoo says, downing the rest of his martini. Jungwon hands over the rest of his and waves over one of the guys tray passing champagne. “I didn’t even really invite him. I just said he should try to stop by if he could. Guess he can’t.”
Jungwon nods. “Right. He might not have felt welcomed.”
Sunoo reaches and grabs more champagne, even though he hasn’t finished Jungwon’s espresso martini. They’re kind of gross anyway, not enough cream, and Sunoo can tell the espresso is old. He hopes it’ll still have enough caffeine to keep him awake until he can leave.
“They lost.”
“The Rangers?” Jungwon asks, then hums when Sunoo shakes his head. “So he’s probably licking his wounds.”
“That makes two of us,” Sunoo mutters into his champagne.
“You gonna see him after this then?”
Sunoo shakes his head again. “It’s still preseason. He’ll be fine.” And Sunoo doesn’t really want to deal with a whiny mopey hockey player while he’s drunk. Sunoo isn’t the best at hiding his emotions on a good day, and if he has to try to sneak into a hotel, or remind his doorman that he can’t ask his boyfriend for an autograph, tonight is going to end up even worse than it already is.
“Sunoo,” Jungwon starts, but doesn’t say anything else. Sunoo takes in a big deep breath and holds it for four seconds before he lets it out.
“Not tonight, Jungwon,” Sunoo pleads, “I know I’m being a buzzkill. But not tonight. Please.”
Sunoo sees Jungwoon nod slowly from the corner of his eye. “So, what’s the plan for tonight then?”
With a final breath, and a silent reprimand at himself for letting things get to this point, Sunoo finishes the last of the espresso martini and takes a big gulp of the champagne. “Let’s just fucking party,” he tells Jungwon, smiling as genuinely as he can manage and giggling when Jungwon yanks him to his feet.
***
THE SONIC INSIGHT
THE LIFE AND LOVE OF SUNOO
Following along with SUNOO as he opens up about developing relationships, the importance of grounding yourself, and finding privacy
By G. MatthewsOn a random Tuesday three months ago, the sun was hiding behind the clouds, the air was cold enough to continuously fog up the windows of my car on the drive into Manhattan, and the traffic was exactly as bad as it’s always shown to be in the movies.
And despite it all, by nine thirty in the morning I was sitting in Sunoo Kim’s living room with a steaming cup of tea settled on the coffee table in front of me.
“Hot drinks are a must first thing in the morning,” Sunoo told me as he drank his own tea, swirling the dark amber liquid in his cup thoughtfully, “it helps your throat, and sets you up for the rest of the day.”
I nodded sagely, though I had no idea what he was talking about. How could I argue with Sunoo Kim about an area of his extensive expertise?
Sunoo Kim, who has been heralded by many as this generation's Most Important Popstar. Sunoo Kim, who spent most of last year blazing through the charts. Sunoo Kim, whose next album, Converge, is set to be released in October.
Converge, is what brings me to Kim’s home bright and early. I ask him about it as we sip at our tea, wondering aloud what a title like Converge could mean.
“When two people’s lives start to intertwine, and they choose to live these two separate lives but together, it’s a beautiful, raw thing. That’s what Converge focuses on.” He smiles slyly before I can ask who Converge is about. “We need to get to practice. Let’s go.”
Converge, which I got the privilege of listening to before showing up on Kim’s doorstep, is Sunoo Kim’s sophomore album. His first album, Sunlight, was a hit, reaching platinum status in just three days. Sitting next to Kim in his manager’s van, listening to him quietly hum to the old rock classics of the sixties, I’m confident this album will reach the same accolades, if not surpass them.
The album opens with the soft, melancholy notes of sunday night, the intro to our inferred characters meeting. “I wrote it in less than an hour,” Sunoo tells me when I inform him it’s a personal favorite from the album, “it was one of those moments where the words just spill out of you, desperate to escape with nowhere to go. The album starts with sunday night because that’s where the story begins, of course, but also because it was the first song I finished for this project. The project wouldn’t exist without it, honestly.”
After sunday night comes nine other tracks, all having something to do with love, whether it’s platonic or romantic. When I gently nudge the idea of the story being about friends turning to lovers, Sunoo shuts me down. As we walk into his rented practice space, he explains that this is something he’s never experienced before and thus has no memories to pull from.
“I only write if I have something to say.” Sunoo’s parting words as he leaves to go warm up.
As I observe Kim’s practice, I’m joined by his manager and long time friend, Jungwon Yang.
Yang has been seen surrounding Kim since he first broke into the scene five years ago with an explosive single, On Top. At every tour stop, red carpet, or casual viewing around New York City, Jungwon Yang is always to be found wherever Sunoo Kim ends up. His presence has been embraced by the singer’s fanbase, many of them finding comfort in the knowledge that their pop singer has a reliable friend by his side. “Doing this work and staying the boy next door is impossible,” Yang was recently quoted saying while speaking to fans outside of a venue’s back door as they all waited for the emergence of Sunoo Kim, “Sunoo is lucky to have amazing friends to help him do it.”
A cheeky response, certainly, but I quickly realize as the day moves forward that it’s shockingly honest.
Sunoo Kim is not the isolated, tortured artist we’ve seen from other celebrities in the past. As we move from venue to venue, first practice, then a meeting to confirm his music video, Kim greets each person we come across warmly, often asking after ailing family members or growing children. When asked, he claims that every person working for him is part of his personal ecosystem. “I should know them as well as they know me,” he explains, “that’s how the ecosystem stays healthy and continues to grow.”
Kim’s ecosystem seems to be thriving. The staff members milling around openly joke, many stopping by to ask Kim questions directly rather than going through his management, some even start up conversations about TV shows seemingly the entire office is watching. “We try to cultivate a certain vibe around here,” Sunoo waves off my concern when I ask if it all gets to be overwhelming after a little bit. “If we’re all friendly things get done faster, easier, and with more care. When your staff feels appreciated, it’s felt throughout whatever work is being done. Even if it’s something as unseen as filing papers.”
It’s an impressive talking point for someone as young as Sunoo Kim. At twenty four, he’s been a household name since his first single came out when he was eighteen. Since then, he’s done all that he can to stay grounded to reality, not wanting his ego to be inflated with the attention he receives.
“It’s easy to become this huge asshole that walks into a room and everyone tries to avoid you. Like that first scene in The Devil Wears Prada when they’re all running around trying to change these little things about themselves before Miranda walks in. I’ve always been scared of becoming that guy. I would hate that.”
I have to ask. “Is it easy to fall into that role?”
“I come from nothing,” Sunoo tells me, “my parents didn’t have money when I was growing up. I would vacation in New York for the summers with my sister because our aunt would pay for us to go. She wanted us to experience life outside of what we were accustomed to, you know? It’s really only because of her that I have all of this now. And honestly, being the kid who had nothing and then becoming a man that can have anything can change you. Quickly. I knew that, and of course Jungwon knew that, and we both did what we needed to fight against the compulsion.”
Summers in the city for Sunoo Kim started when he was just eight years old. His aunt, a woman Kim describes as living as opulent a lifestyle as she could, had a high-rise apartment on the Upper East Side. Next door was the Yang family.
As he grew up, Kim would spend his days in school dreaming of returning back to the city. It’s there in Korea, at a small school desk, that Kim realized he wanted that life for himself one day.
“There’s just something about summers in the city,” he reminisces, “it was the only place I ever let myself dream of being on the stage.”
Kim had always been interested in singing, recalling the days when he would walk around his house singing to himself fondly. As a child in a family that wasn’t financially well off, he never considered he’d get the chance to attempt singing professionally.
Until he was ten years old, and his aunt sent him to greet the new family who moved in next door.
Naturally, that’s when he met Jungwon Yang and his parents, who have had an impressive catalogue of talent they’ve worked with. Suddenly Kim was introduced to a whole new world he hadn’t expected to voyeur into. Slowly but surely, he admitted to himself that his true dream was singing.
Still, he didn’t tell anyone for years. He didn’t want to worry his parents, and he didn’t see the path he could take to achieve it. Jungwon Yang, however, did.
“I think it was one of those things where it’s this teenage sense of false bravado,” Yang laughs when I bring up what Kim has told me, “when I was working to convince Sunoo to get in the same vocal lessons as me I wasn’t considering his home life, I just thought he should at least ask. The worst thing they can say is no, right?”
No is the opposite of what his aunt said when Kim finally relayed to her his wishes. Two days after he sat her down and told her what career choice he was making, she was sending him to vocal lessons beside Jungwon Yang with a check in hand to pay for it. “She gave me a few hundred dollars in cash, too. In case the instructor said no.” Kim smiles brightly as he tells me, a happy flush taking over his cheeks as he remembers the extent she went to to get him what he wanted.
They both attended the lessons that summer. Unfortunately, the next summer Kim was attending them alone.
When I ask Yang what made him decide not to continue them, he admits it was Sunoo Kim himself. “He was so passionate about it. I was going because it was something I did, not because I loved it. But Sunoo loved it, more than I thought I ever could. I realized going down that path meant a lot more work than I was willing to give, especially after having this revelation that some people, like Sunoo, just belonged to the craft. Or, the craft belonged to them. I’ve never been able to decide which I think it is.”
After his second summer of lessons, Kim’s vocal coach gave him some advice. He needed to continue vocal lessons throughout the year to continue to improve.
This presented a challenge. Kim’s parents had no idea he was taking the lessons at all.
“I didn’t want to worry them. I knew how hard it is to break into the industry, and I knew such an uncertain future for their son would stress them out.”
Kim spent a month thinking it through after his return to Korea, then confessed to his parents what he’d been working towards.
They were worried, Kim tells me, but they understood more than he thought they would. His parents spent the next month trying to find a suitable school for Kim to study in, before he admitted to them that what he truly wanted was to move to New York full time.
“Were they okay with the idea?”
“Not at all,” Kim grins, shaking his head, “it took a lot of begging for them to agree.”
Three months of begging, it turns out. After his first semester of school that year, he was sent back to his aunt’s. This time to stay.
The rest is well documented through a series of interviews, Youtube videos, and an impressive back catalogue a fan made of Kim’s now deleted Instagram posts detailing his experiences in New York. Which brings us back to the present.
“Looking back on it now, it’s kind of incredible I ended up here.”
Which brings us to where we are now, Kim sitting at the head of an oval table that takes up most of the room while I observe him from where I’m tucked into a corner. Throughout my day with him, this is the most confident I’ve seen him. He doesn’t hesitate to argue with the people who are essentially his bosses, not when it comes to his music.
Later on, I’m told that this is a fairly common interaction. Sunoo Kim always has a direction he’s going in, and he’s completely unwilling to change it ninety-nine percent of the time.
Yang tells me it’s what makes his albums so compelling. Kim tells me he’s been this stubborn since childhood. Both are clearly true.
The version of Converge that I listened to, the version that Kim is arguing about so passionately, tells the familiar story of love. While typically that means the feelings of falling in love, the tracks of Converge are interspersed with the musings of what happens when cracks start to form in a relationship.
“Relationships aren’t always as simple as they seem in the movies,” Kim explains his album as we head to our last stop for the day, a small studio all the way in Tribeca that Kim’s personal stylist works out of. “When you start to realize oh wow this might take some work, you have to admit that there might be some issues. Then you have to decide if you want to continue. It’s a beautiful and painful moment, regardless of what decision you ultimately come to. That’s a lot of what inspired the album.”
Kim’s musings remind me of Ruby, the closing song on Converge. Famously, rubies are made with extreme heat and pressure under the earth. Ruby seems to be lamenting about similarly overwhelming pressures one faces in a relationship. Rather than clarify the true meaning behind it, Kim says he wants his listeners to take what they want from it. Those are the best songs, he claims. The ones that can mean something different to every person regardless of the fact that they’re all listening to the same song.
Converge isn’t all about romantic love, however. Death Do Us Part spins the tale of finding your soulmate in a friend, and the relationship that blooms from that.
Spending the day with them, I can’t help but to infer that Jungwon Yang may be the subject of the song. Sunoo Kim confirms it when I bring up my hypothesis. “Yeah, Jungwon is definitely one of those people for me,” Kim giggles as he admits to it, studying Yang as he rolls his eyes and turns his back to us. “He gets embarrassed by it, but it’s true. We spend almost every day together, and I still call him all the time. We get each other, you know?”
I do know. It’s easy to see it if you spend any time around them at all. Still, as close of a bond as they have, they both swear it’s always been friendship between them. “People assumed we were dating before I was ever in the paper,” Sunoo shrugs, not seeming bothered in the slightest. “It’s never bothered me. Jungwon is a great guy, it’s honestly a compliment that people think we would be good together.”
“And you are. Just not like that.”
Kim shakes his head emphatically. “Not like that.”
At the studio, we’re making final decisions on a few different outfits for appearances coming up, as well as Kim’s outfit for his album launch party. I say we, because Kim is determined to include my opinion in every conversation.
“I’m not styled every day,” Kim assures me through the curtain as he changes into his second option for the launch party, “I’m not crazy. But if Getty Images is there, I definitely have a team behind every decision.”
“Or if you have someone to impress?”
Kim laughs loud enough that it echoes through the room. “Sure. Then too, probably.”
While Converge is an album dripping in romance, Kim is incredibly tight lipped about any new ventures that could have inspired it. The privacy is hard won with the level of his celebrity. It comes from a lesson learned the worst way. “When you love someone and things don’t work out, it’s made so much worse with the noise from the outside world. Everyone wants to know who was wrong and who was right, who they should hate and who they should love. If you don’t give them that, they start to make their own conclusions. It’s hard to reach a place with someone where you decide; okay, I’m okay with you being in this line of fire and all that entails. It’s almost impossible.”
Kim’s first relationship ended more with a sizzle than a bang, not that the internet would believe you if you told them that. Since then, he’s kept his cards closer to his chest. Converge is the first glimpse the world has gotten into what could potentially be Kim’s love life in years. The track River shows a peek into why that might be.
“People drift apart even when they’re still together. I don’t find it all that uncommon to look up one day and realize there’s a river of space between you and you can’t figure out how to bridge the gap. Knowing that possibility is there scares a lot of people, I think. It certainly scares me.”
The last option for the launch party is my personal favorite. Kim’s too, considering he stays in it for much longer, discussing plans for alterations more seriously than he had the other ensembles. He sits in it on the couch with me while I ask him if there’s anything else about this album he wants people to know, feeling out if it’s as good of a sitting outfit as a standing one.
“The story of Converge is a convoluted one. The songs show the ups and downs of relationships, and I hope the listeners can follow along with them. Maybe come out the other side with a better understanding of the good and bad that comes from being in love. What I’ve learned, what Converge has taught me, is no matter how badly you want it to, a relationship isn’t going to be as simple as we all think. I find that beautiful, and compelling, and I hope other people do as well.”
Converge is definitely as fascinating as Sunoo hopes for it to be. I let him know as he stands to go change. Sunoo thanks me, asking after my opinions on how the outfit stood against the sitting test. We decide together that it’s the right pick, and Sunoo disappears behind the divider.
Thinking back on all we’ve discussed for the day, and the deeply understood notes of Converge, the journalist in me has to try one more time. “Will there be someone to impress at this party?”
Sunoo emerges from the changing area, unkempt but back in his street clothes. “Maybe,” he offers, a soft blush adorning his cheeks and making him look softer. Sweeter. “Hopefully.”
Available on all streaming platforms, Converge by SUNOO releases October fourth.
***
Sunoo wakes up with a pounding head and a dry mouth.
He’s simultaneously exhausted and too wired to go back to sleep, and he blames the espresso martinis for screwing up his circadian rhythm. When he manages to get enough gunk out of his eyes to see his clock clearly, Sunoo sees it’s nine o’clock. With a groan, he peels himself off his couch and into the bathroom.
After he uses the bathroom, Sunoo sets about washing his face and getting some life back into himself. Sunoo thinks if he tries to get in the shower the steam will actually make him vomit, so he just leans over the sink and washes his armpits with the expensive hand soap his mother sent him for his seasonal dry skin.
Feeling thoroughly ashamed for being a mess, Sunoo orders some bagels to be delivered, hoping some extra carbs will soak up whatever alcohol is still swirling around in his stomach. Then he slumps back across the couch and tries to remember what it’s like to not be hungover.
Not even five minutes into Sunoo’s I am not sick I am fine I will not throw up meditation, he hears his front door’s lock spin and open. He immediately shoots up. There are only two people currently in New York who have a key to Sunoo’s apartment. Sunoo is pretty sure Jungwon went home with one of Sunoo’s guitarists, and unless something went really wrong, he shouldn’t be over at nine in the morning. Which means that it has to be-
“Sunoo-yah,” Sunghoon’s voice calls from the entrance.
God fucking dammit, Sunoo thinks before he responds, “In the living room!”
“Did you order delivery from across the street?” Sunghoon asks, “I brought it up for you.” Sunoo barely registers what he’s saying to him. As far as Sunoo knew, Sunghoon and his team were supposed to be heading to Philadelphia for another preseason game. After they both bailed on each other the night before, Sunoo didn’t think he’d see Sunghoon for at least another week. He was supposed to have a week to prepare.
Moving on autopilot, Sunoo rolls off the couch and meets Sunghoon in the kitchen. Sure enough, Sunghoon is holding a bag full of Sunoo’s bagels.
“How many did you buy?” Sunghoon laughs, “Are you expecting people over?”
Sunoo takes the bag wordlessly and grabs his bagel with plain cream cheese. “Have you eaten? You can have one if you want.”
Sunghoon takes one and starts horking it down. Sunoo has to consciously stop his face from scrunching at all the crumbs spraying around his kitchen. He thinks at one point he might have thought it was cute that Sunghoon always eats like he’s being timed. He wonders when that stopped.
“What are you doing here?” Sunoo asks. “I thought you were leaving early this morning.”
Sunghoon shrugs. “You didn’t come over last night and our plane doesn’t take off for a few more hours. Figured I’d come say hey.”
Sunoo barely stops himself from scoffing. “Yeah, well I got home late last night.”
“I can see that,” Sunghoon says, smiling teasingly at Sunoo’s lack of clothing. “What were you doing all night?”
Sunoo can’t even tell if it’s the hangover or his own boyfriend making him sick as he sets his bagel down. “I was at my release party.”
“Oh, right,” Sunghoon nods in understanding. “I forgot about that.”
Tears well up in Sunoo’s eyes and he ducks his head down so Sunghoon doesn’t see. There’s a gaping black hole in Sunoo’s gut that even he doesn’t understand. He should have expected this. It’s not like their relationship has been amazing the past few months. He doesn’t even have the right to be hurt after what he and Jungwon decided last night.
Just then, Sunoo’s phone screen lights up with a text from Jungwon asking to meet up for coffee. Sunoo can’t agree fast enough. He takes as big of a bite of his bagel as he can manage and then offers the rest of it to Sunghoon.
“Are you still low carb for your tour?” Sunghoon asks
“Oh, so you remember I’m going on tour,” Sunoo mumbles as he walks to his bedroom.
“What?” Sunghoon says as he follows, bagel still in hand. Sunghoon knows Sunoo doesn’t allow food to be eaten outside of the kitchen unless he’s hosting a party, but Sunoo doesn’t feel like fighting about it today. He’ll just ask the cleaners to make sure to get under the couches super good on Monday.
“I said I’m always low carb,” Sunoo says as he yanks off his old boxers. He debates washing his crotch the same way he did his armpits, but ultimately decides he’s too embarrassed to do that in front of Sunghoon and pulls on a clean pair of underwear. “That’s why we can’t ever get Italian, remember?”
Sunoo goes to grab a pair of jeans but is grabbed around his waist and yanked against Sunghoon instead.
“Right, right,” Sunghoon murmurs against his ear, wrapping his huge hands around Sunoo until they almost meet each other around his middle. Sunoo clenches his thighs together. “That’s why you’re so easy to throw around.”
For a split second, Sunoo actually considers it. In the year and a half he’s been with Sunghoon, they've had a lot of issues, but their sex life has never struggled. It’s probably the only aspect of their relationship that hasn’t dwindled to a toxic wasteland in the past few months. And Sunoo loves having sex with Sunghoon. He loves how close Sunghoon holds him, how he worships his body, how after they’re done Sunghoon will stay inside him and stare at Sunoo in pure adoration as they catch their breath.
But Sunoo can’t do that today. Not only because he has to meet Jungwon (that’s never stopped them before), but because every time Sunoo has sex with Sunghoon he remembers that he’s in love with him. He remembers that there was a point in time where Sunghoon was in love with Sunoo. When it didn’t matter that there was an hour drive time between them, they still couldn’t stay away from each other. The time when Jungwon deleted Uber off Sunoo’s phone because he spent a thousand dollars going back and forth to New Jersey in a week. And then Sunoo took the train, got spotted, and Jungwon had to hire him a private driving service.
Every time Sunoo has sex with Sunghoon, he has to remember when Sunghoon would actually make his way out to New York City. When he used to send Sunoo pictures of newspapers that had Sunoo’s face on the cover. When Sunoo was profiled in Vanity Fair and Sunghoon had four of his teammates all sit at different stores to try and get a copy (“for my sister,” he’d told them, and then bought a magazine frame and hung it in his bedroom), or when Sunghoon refused to let Sunoo give him physical copies of his EP so he could buy the special press on his own.
Sunoo can’t deal with any of that. Not today. So he pushes Sunghoon off of him, tells him, “You’re covered in bagel crumbs,” and hides in his walk-in closet while Sunghoon looks for a lint roller Sunoo already knows he doesn’t have.
When Sunoo comes out dressed, Sunghoon is sitting on his bed bench.
“I have to be at the airport in an hour,” Sunghoon tells him.
Sunoo nods. He knows.
“We haven’t seen each other the entire time I’ve been in town.”
“I was busy,” Sunoo says, offended. What Sunghoon is implying is obvious. It’s Sunoo’s city, so he should have made time. Sunoo always makes time. Well, too bad. This time, Sunoo got drunk off shitty espresso martinis and champagne and then threw up from the terrible mixture until Jungwon poured him into his towncar and his doorman got him up to his apartment. Sunoo is willing to bet Sunghoon played his game, had a few drinks in his hotel bar, and was in bed by one once he realized Sunoo wasn’t coming over.
Sunghoon’s eyebrow raises. “I was busy too.”
“Doing what, losing a game?”
“Why are you talking to me like that?”
Sunoo stops buckling up his belt so he can look Sunghoon in the eyes when he asks, “Why didn’t you remember my party last night?”
“What?”
“You didn’t stop by.”
“Sunoo,” Sunghoon’s voice is low, the way it always is when he’s about to say something he knows Sunoo won’t like. “Would that have been a good idea?”
Sunoo stares at him for a second. The true answer is probably no. It’s not a good idea. Sunoo is out, Sunghoon is mostly out, but no one knows they’re dating. Sunoo wishes Sunghoon weren’t always so honest. If Sunghoon had ever invited Sunoo to even one of his games, and asked if it was a bad idea, Sunoo knows his answer would always be that he didn’t care.
“There wasn’t any press past nine.”
“I wasn’t even out of the arena until almost midnight.”
Sunoo sighs and finishes buckling up his belt. “Have you listened to the album?”
Sunghoon flinches. He’s so subtle that Sunoo wouldn’t have noticed if he didn’t know Sunghoon so well. But he does.
“Alright,” Sunoo scoffs, walking out of the bedroom and into the hall.
“Sunoo,” Sunghoon groans, chasing after him, “it came out at midnight! When would I have had the time?”
Sunoo doesn’t look at him, just starts yanking on his boots as he says, “You got out at midnight didn’t you? Same time I managed to find a corner to check your score.”
Sunghoon doesn’t say anything, not that Sunoo expects him to. There is nothing left to say. The words bubble up in Sunoo’s throat, but he doesn’t have the nerve to actually say them.
“You can hang out here until you have to leave for the airport,” Sunoo says as he grabs his jacket and bag and heads for the door, “have a safe flight.”
It’s silent as the door shuts between them.
***
#SUNOOUR @sunooupdates
Sunoour starts in exactly one month! What dates do you have tickets for?‘ @sunoosunshine
dallas!gia @SUNPRNT
both ny dates i literally can’t wait!yu @bbylove
la!
:) @femmeksn
seattlemark @myfirstsunoo
san francisco and seattle! SUNOO WAIT FOR MEEEEEE
SUNOO @kimsunoo
what is everyone’s favorite song off converge and why is it death do us partJungwon Yang @jungwon
so true
SUNOO @kimsunoo
makes me laugh every time wonnie responds without caps since i know he has to manually fix the autocorrect lolJungwon Yang @jungwon
some of us have to have proper grammar for our jobsSUNOO @kimsunoo
what is a job
***
They really don’t see each other for a week.
Sunghoon texts Sunoo four hours after Sunoo leaves him in his apartment, a simple the album is great. congrats, sun that Sunoo hearts and then ignores. Jungwon asks if they broke up once Sunoo tells him that Sunghoon surprised him at his apartment and Sunoo has to admit that he pussied out of it.
“Pussies are strong,” Jungwon tells him as he sips at his dirty chai, “you’re a chicken shit.”
Sunoo goes to sleep that night listening to Mitski and crying silently into his pillow. He has interviews in the morning that he can’t be puffy for so he puts on his cooling sleep mask, but it keeps slipping off from the tears. Mitski shuts off at one point too, when Sunoo’s speaker dies because he always forgets to plug it in, and that just makes him cry harder. Sunghoon had tried to buy him a back up speaker multiple times, after all the times Sunoo’s speaker died while they were using it. He can’t figure out if he’s glad he never got used to having two, or sad he won’t be able to keep a piece of Sunghoon once they’re officially over.
Sunoo’s glam team is amazing, of course, so any leftover puffiness after he wakes up early to ice roll his face is covered up nicely. Sunoo talks about his album with a practiced smile plastered across his face, giggling about the exciting flutterings of early love and the settled feeling once you accept you’re in love. Sunoo doesn’t know why Sunghoon couldn’t have half broken his heart before he was done recording his album, but Sunoo wishes he could punch him in the face for it anyway.
“There is one song,” the third interviewer says, ignoring where Jungwon is motioning for them to wrap up, “track seven, Exposure, that’s caused a lot of discussion online. Do you mind discussing the lyrics' meaning?”
“Oh,” Sunoo says in a high pitched voice. “Sure. Um, I think that when you fall in love, when I’ve fallen in love before, there’s always a moment where I’ve had to realize ‘oh, this person could really hurt me.’ You know? It can be scary to hand over parts of yourself to someone and kind of have to blindly trust that they’ll take care of you. But Exposure is about trusting that person anyway, and overcoming that fear.”
The interviewer nods, smiling. “And have you found someone to trust?”
Sunoo laughs, trying to blink quickly before any wetness can gather in his eyes. “I have a lot of people I love, yeah. A lot of different kinds of love, but people I trust to hold me up when I need them to.”
Sunoo watches the Devils lose to the Flyers that night on mute, eating a sad wilty salad and blaring his 90s angst playlist. Sunghoon gets two assists and Sunoo texts him for each one, hating himself the whole time. Sunghoon texts him back after, lamenting their loss, and Sunoo sends a heart back in sympathy. And then an ass pic that he refuses to follow up with phone sex as a punishment for Sunghoon ruining their relationship.
The rest of Sunoo’s release week is so busy that he doesn’t catch Sunghoon’s season opener, and he doesn’t let himself feel bad about it. Sunghoon texts him twice, a photo of the LOVE sculpture, and a picture of his breakfast with a reminder to eat.
The second one makes Sunoo break down into hysterical tears thirty minutes before he’s supposed to be on stage for Stephen Colbert. When they first started dating and didn’t have the time to be together, they would send each other pictures of their meals throughout the day. Sunghoon said it was so they could still eat together.
This time it means that Sunoo has his face parallel to the floor, letting tears fall straight into a tissue so they don’t make his make up run.
“Sunoo, come on,” Jungwon mutters, folding another tissue into a point and shoving it into the outer corner of Sunoo’s eye.
“I’m okay,” Sunoo whimpers, “I’m sorry, I’m okay.”
Sunghoon has practice every day, and games basically every other day, so when Sunoo’s press for his album is over, and he’s sure Sunghoon will be in New Jersey, he has Jungwon drive him to Sunghoon’s apartment.
“Did you tell him you were coming?” Jungwon asks once they get out of New York.
“Not exactly,” Sunoo mutters, hands wringing together.
Jungwon’s hands scuff his wheel. “So are you even sure he’s home?”
“He doesn’t have practice until one,” Sunoo tells him. They’ve been texting. Kind of. Plus, hockey players are superstitious, and Sunghoon is superstitious about numbers. Sunoo knows he won’t get to the rink until noon at the earliest. He’ll be home.
It takes them a minute to find parking, but it’s still not long enough. The car comes to a stop and Sunoo grabs the duffel bag with all of Sunghoon’s things before he stills and stares at where the sleeve of Sunghoon’s favorite striped sweater is hanging out. This is really it.
“I’ll wait for however long, okay?” Jungwon says, “Take your time.”
Sunoo sniffles. “Are we sure this is the only option?”
“Sunoo, you can do whatever you want,” Jungwon reaches out to grab his shoulder, “I’ll support you no matter what. But are you going to be able to deal with this while on tour?”
“I still love him,” Sunoo whispers sadly, “and when things were good, they were so good.”
“I know,” Jungwon agrees quietly.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know,” Jungwon says.
Silence settles over them, only broken every now and then when Sunoo sniffles. Jungwon is staring straight ahead, trying to give him some semblance of privacy with his emotions, and Sunoo can’t help but laugh.
“I can’t believe you’re in Jersey.”
Jungwon makes a face. “Yeah, I know. The things I do for you.”
Sunoo smiles sadly at him and takes one last look at Sunghoon’s stuff. In a moment of weakness he yanks the striped sweater out and tosses it into the backseat, then zips up the duffel.
“Alright, I’m ready,” Sunoo says, ignoring Jungwon’s knowing look. “I’ll try to be quick.”
Jungwon drives Sunoo to the front of Sunghoon’s building to drop him off. Sunoo has Sunghoon’s key, but when he gets up to his door, he still knocks. A courtesy, he supposes, for someone who’s about to dump his boyfriend. Also Sunoo’s key is already in the duffel and he has no interest in trying to dig it out in the middle of the hallway.
“Sunoo?” Sunghoon seems genuinely surprised when he opens the door. Sunoo supposes there’s no reason he shouldn’t be, considering Sunoo hasn’t surprised him at his house since the beginning of summer. “What are you doing here?”
“Hey,” Sunoo tries to smile, but he has no idea if it comes across or not. Sunghoon still looks mostly confused. “Can I come in? We need to talk.”
Sunghoon moves to the side to let him in. Sunoo shuffles in, wondering if Sunghoon will recognize the duffle he’s dragging with him, but Sunghoon is busy sticking his head out in the hall to make sure no one is there.
Sunoo walks to the living room and scoots the duffle next to the arm of the sofa. Sunghoon comes in behind him, trailing a hand across Sunoo’s back as he asks if he wants anything to drink.
“Let’s just sit down,” Sunoo says, rubbing his sweating palms against the thighs of his jeans. He can’t tell if wearing a hoodie was a bad idea for Sunghoon’s warm apartment or if he was going to sweat uncontrollably no matter what.
“What’s going on? I have practice this afternoon so I don’t have much time.” Sunghoon asks as he steps over the coffee table to get to the sofa. Sunoo sinks down into an armchair.
Sunoo stares at the duffle on the floor. Truly tries to think how stupid he would look if he grabbed it and walked back outside. Jungwon would probably refuse to drive him back to the city.
“Hyung,” Sunoo starts.
Sunghoon sits up straight, called to attention. “Hyung?” He laughs, “You haven’t called me that in months.”
Sunoo’s mouth twists. “Hyung,” he starts again, motioning to the bag this time, “I brought you your stuff.”
Sunghoon’s gaze catches on the duffle this time. He stares for a few seconds, face tensing and then smoothing out.
“Sunoo,” Sunghoon tries to smile again but Sunoo can tell that it’s not genuine, “that big apartment and you’re still sensitive about me leaving my things over?”
“Hyung,” Sunoo says, “I think we need to break up.”
The already wavering smile falls off Sunghoon’s face entirely. Sunoo feels kind of like he’s going to throw up, and also guilty for feeling that way, since he’s the one doing this. Sunghoon’s head is shaking, like he’s not understanding. Or maybe he’s just telling Sunoo no.
“Where is this coming from?” Sunghoon asks. “Is this about that party? Or the album? Because we talked about that.”
It’s lingchi, Sunoo thinks. Death by a thousand cuts. They started bleeding out before either of them noticed.
“Your season has started,” Sunoo explains, “I’m about to go on tour. We already barely see each other and it’s only going to get worse. It’s been a week of the regular season and we haven’t even really spoken to each other.”
“You were mad at me,” Sunghoon says, dejectedly running a hand through his hair, “I texted you but I can’t force you to answer.”
Sunoo presses his tongue against the sharp point of his back molars so he doesn’t say anything mean. He doesn’t want their break up to be full of them yelling hurtful things at each other. Even if Sunoo has a few choice words he would love to get off his chest.
“I wasn’t mad at you, I just had nothing to say.”
“Well that’s mature,” Sunghoon mutters into where his face is resting in his palms.
Sunoo makes a nasty face since he knows Sunghoon can’t see him. “Sunghoon, it’s not working. We’re not working, and I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to try and drag this out any longer.”
Sunghoon lifts his head up from his palms and lets his hands fall between his knees. For a moment they stare at each other. Sunoo thinks about when they first met, at a weird socialite party that had more coke than air, and Sunoo was a little freaked out but mostly intrigued by the jacked guy on the other side of the room who kept staring at him. Their first date, in an empty restaurant owned by someone Sunghoon knew, when Sunoo asked why every time he looked up Sunghoon was staring at him and Sunghoon said it was because he couldn’t believe Sunoo was real. The first time Sunoo realized he had enough time to sneak over to New Jersey for the night and still make his schedules the next day and Sunghoon sat facing him all night, telling him over and over again the he had to always remember how Sunoo looked in his apartment so when he missed him it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
“Okay, then,” Sunghoon says, voice hoarse. Sunoo feels burning behind his eyelids that he pointedly ignores. “I’ll go grab your stuff from my bedroom. You can get your stuff from out here.”
Without another word between them, Sunghoon gets up and walks into his room, closing the door behind him. Sunoo takes a moment to get himself together, texts Jungwon, and then starts going through the rest of the rooms. He knows he has an apron in the kitchen, and a throw blanket that he takes from the living room. There are two mugs in the pantry and a Le Creuset casserole dish that Sunoo has honestly been meaning to grab forever. Sunoo grabs his plush key ring stash from the key hook and his slippers from the closet. He’s carrying a lot before he remembers that he left a tote bag and heads back into the kitchen when he sees it.
Sunghoon’s fridge is littered with Sunoo. Pictures of them together, of just Sunoo. Postcards Sunoo has sent, letters he snail mailed Sunghoon the week Sunghoon had influenza a and was quarantined all by himself. Take out menus from Sunoo’s favorite spots. There are pictures of Sunghoon’s friends and family as well, some newspaper clippings from when Sunghoon first joined the Devils. But Sunoo has definitely overtaken most of the space. Sunoo thinks he must have seen this fridge a million times before, but he’s never noticed how much of himself is in there.
Before he can get too in his head about it, he hears the bedroom door open. Sunoo grabs the tote bag from where it’s hanging on the side of the fridge and runs out of the kitchen, shoving whatever will fit from his hands into the bag as quickly as he can. Sunghoon is standing in the living room again when Sunoo gets there, a New Jersey Devils duffel bag in his hand.
“It’s the only extra I had,” he explains as he hands it over, “sorry. You can just toss it once you get home if you want.”
“I can mail it to you,” Sunoo offers.
Sunghoon is shaking his head before Sunoo can even finish. “No, that’s fine.” It’s quiet for a second until Sunghoon clears his throat. “So, uh. Should I walk you out?”
Sunoo jolts into action like he was jabbed with a live wire, hooking the duffel over his shoulder and securing the tote bag. “No, no. That’s fine. I’ll uh.” Sunoo pauses, taking one last look around the apartment and at Sunghoon. “I’ll see you around?”
“See you around,” Sunghoon says softly, smiling sadly. “Good luck on the tour.”
“Good luck on your season,” Sunoo says as he starts taking steps backward.
Sunghoon waves awkwardly. Sunoo does the same once before he spins around and walks himself out. When the door closes behind him Sunoo turns to lock it before he remembers he doesn’t have the key anymore and has to turn back around. He hopes Sunghoon remembers to lock his door.
Jungwon is waiting in the same spot he dropped Sunoo off in, and Sunoo hurries to dump his bags in the trunk and hop back in the passenger seat.
“How did it go?” Jungwon asks gently.
Sunoo’s mouth opens to form the words, it went okay, but all that comes out are guttural sobs.
“I know,” Jungwon coos, leaning over to pull Sunoo into his chest. “I know. It’s going to be okay, I promise.”
***
SUNOO - Converge: The Making Of The Album
1,958,645 views
2,476 comments
@cloudylove218 - 1 day ago
13:02 sunoo looks soooooooo good here
@LeeMatthewArt - 23 hours ago
Great album! Love seeing all of the creative decisions
@djkenn118 - 2 days ago
this album is so lovely. so stripped back and vulnerable. i can’t stop listening to smoke signals
@sunooooo0624 - 5 hours ago
i love seeing jungwon always taking such good care of our sunoo <3 i hope you stay happy forever my love
@user-sunoo - 10 hours ago
sunoo’s smile could genuinely create world peace. congrats on the album gorgeous
@buffylvr - 11 hours ago
lesbians <3 sunoo!!!!
***
Eventually, it is okay.
Sunoo goes straight from Sunghoon’s apartment to tour practice. He planned it that way on purpose, so he wouldn’t have time to sit and despair about his failed relationship, and he doesn’t. Sunoo literally has close to no time to wallow in his heartbreak. For the next two weeks he is carted from practice to vocal lessons to the gym from sun up to sun down. A few times Sunoo still has the energy to slip the striped sweater on and cry until he falls asleep, but eventually he can’t risk any more pictures of his swollen eyes popping up online so he stops that too.
Sunoo cancels his ESPN+ subscription since he won’t need it anymore and buys Univision instead, once he decides that some good should come out of misery. He tries to learn Spanish as he eats his prepackaged dinners from his nutritionist and watches telenovelas or women’s soccer matches, whatever is on for the hour he’s home and not asleep every night.
Jungwon is busy figuring out different interview opportunities. Sunoo keeps begging to do a kitten interview with Buzzfeed, but Heeseung, his publicist, thinks it would be funnier if Sunoo read thirst tweets.
“That doesn’t fit my image at all,” Sunoo frowns. “I don’t think I could even read some of that stuff out loud.”
“That’s what would make it funny,” Heeseung says, flicking Sunoo’s ear. Sunoo pushes him away.
Riki takes Sunoo out to lunch the day before they leave for his first stop, swears he’s going to pay even though he and Sunoo both know Sunoo won’t let that happen. Doesn’t stop him from ordering the most expensive item on the menu.
“Is it hard to leave New York?” Riki talks with his mouth full, something that always annoys Sunoo, who was raised with manners.
Sunoo shrugs. “We won’t be gone for long,” he says once he’s swallowed his own food.
“Yeah but we’re going to, like, Ohio and shit. Does it suck?”
“Sometimes,” Sunoo admits, “but that’s less about being in Ohio and more just missing home.”
Riki’s nose scrunches. “How do you deal with it?”
Sunoo hums in understanding as he sips water. He’s been off alcohol since the break up, and while ice water doesn’t really hit the same, the stinging feeling is the closest he’s going to get.
“The fans,” Sunoo says, making designs in the condensation on the outside of his cup. He draws a heart out of muscle memory only to squiggle it away seconds later. “It’ll be different for you as a background dancer, but you’ll still feel it. And you’re handsome enough that after the first few stops people will start looking into you before the show.”
“You gonna get mad if I take your spot as the next big pop girly?” Riki teases.
Sunoo flicks the condensation that’s pooled on his fingers at him. “I’m at the top with the pop girls, I’m not technically one of them.”
“But basically,” Riki says.
Sunoo grins. With his album sales, arena tour, and his name recognition, “Yeah, pretty much.”
The beginning of a tour is always the most fun, even if it’s the most nerve wrecking. Almost everything that’s going to go wrong on this tour will go wrong in the first few stops as Sunoo and his team work out the kinks that they don’t know are there yet. Sunoo’s stylist, Ricardo, is still rhinestoning his first outfit, after Sunoo’s final fitting last night exposed bald patches on his thighs. Sunoo also had a melt down in the middle of the night and cut his hair to look like Seo Kangjoon. It was so bad when Jungwon came to pick him up that they had to stop by the barber on their way to the airport to get everything at least even.
“You’re lucky I don’t fire you as a client,” Jungwon mutters, furiously typing on his phone screen. “You’re lucky you’re hot. If you couldn’t pull off this style it would seriously be over.”
Sunoo pouts at his reflection in the rearview mirror. “It’s shorter than I wanted it to be.”
“I will throw you out of this car,” Jungwon says without looking up from his phone. Sunoo leans over to see who exactly Jungwon is texting but he tilts his phone the opposite way.
With a sigh, Sunoo rests his head against the window and stares out at the brick buildings they pass by.
Sunoo’s first night of his tour goes amazing. There are a few hiccups along the way with his in-ears, a couple of issues with lights, and one long minute where his teleprompter stops working and he somehow forgets every single word in both English and Korean and the only words he can think of are Spanish swear words.
Other than that, Sunoo has the time of his life. The fans are screaming and dancing and singing just as hard as he is. Sunoo tears up halfway through his set, wipes his eyes as he sings a slower ballad, and finally cries fully right at the end.
“You guys are amazing!” He calls, waving to each person he manages to make eye contact with. “I love you so much, goodnight!”
After a quick debrief with the techies on what went wrong, Sunoo takes a shower, does his vocal treatments, and gets driven back to his hotel half asleep.
There’s pizza waiting for him in his hotel room when he gets in, along with Riki, Jungwon, and everyone else who haven’t passed out yet. Sunoo eats lukewarm pizza and drinks cold beer propped up on the dresser since there’s no space anywhere. Heeseung passes him a card the crew all signed, and then another one his family sent over from South Korea, filming on his phone and laughing when Sunoo starts sobbing. For the first time in a while he feels warm and full of love. For the first time in almost two years, he doesn’t think about Sunghoon.
Every concert is its own fun experience, but touring itself is hell. Sunoo is constantly exhausted, sleeping mostly on airplanes and car rides and downing energy drinks until his eyelids don’t feel like they weigh two tons each. There isn’t a lot of time to explore, but Sunoo tries to make it to at least one landmark in each city, even if he can only make it past midnight when it’s pitch black outside.
“You seem happier,” Riki mentions as they scarf down breakfast tacos in Texas.
“Happier than when?” Sunoo never told him about the break up. Riki didn’t know about Sunghoon anyway, and Sunoo thought he did a good enough job of keeping his breakdowns between him and Jungwon that no one else would have noticed.
Riki shrugs. “Just before, I guess. You didn’t seem like you were happy for a while.”
Sunoo eats the rest of his taco without saying anything else.
In Denver, as Sunoo is being driven into the venue, an electronic ad announcing the home team’s next hockey game flashes over the front of the arena. Sunoo startles so hard that Jungwon jumps a little, immediately dropping his phone and looking over.
“What’s wrong?”
The van swings into a parking spot and Sunoo wipes his suddenly sweaty palms on his thighs. He forces a smile at Jungwon, shrugging a bit as he says, “Sorry, weird shiver.” Sunoo can tell Jungwon doesn’t really believe him, but Sunoo pulls himself together enough that there’s nothing Jungwon can comment on.
Sunoo has done a good job, a great job even, pretending like Sunghoon never existed. As much as it complicated their actual relationship, no one knowing they ever dated meant that Sunoo didn’t have to deal with people asking him about his break up. They never even followed each other on social media, which meant that Sunoo didn’t even have to go through the usual turmoil of whether to unfollow his ex or not. It was a completely clean break.
Plus, he worked in the arts. No one around him gave a shit about professional sports unless it was dance, or a hot athlete they could all drool over as a collective. Sunoo thinks maybe some of the techies watched American football whenever they could catch a game, but he never understood enough of their conversations about that to be positive.
Point being, Sunoo has compartmentalized Sunghoon so far back in his brain that the entire sport of ice hockey had ceased to exist in his mind. Which of course means that now that Sunoo has been reminded that hockey is a sport, he’s been reminded that Sunghoon is still a person.
It drives him a little crazy for the rest of his preshow routine. He and Sunghoon had talked about it at some point, the fact that most NHL rinks were used for arena tours and wondering if there would ever be a time in their careers where they were working in the same venue. Sunoo thinks he can remember them giggling about it in bed, promising that if they were travelling to the same cities they would leave notes for each other to find.
Sunoo feels like a shadow is following him down the hallways. He can’t stop wondering if Sunghoon has been here recently. If he played here this week, or if he will next week. Sunoo has to take a minute in the hall, closes his eyes to practice some breathing techniques and immediately imagines Sunghoon leaning against the wall across from him in all his gear, sweaty and panting from a game.
“You okay, Sun?” Jungwon asks. He’s been trailing Sunoo all day. From a safe enough distance that Sunoo can’t call it out, but he’s still been doing it. Sunoo can’t really blame him.
“Yeah,” Sunoo stares at where Heeseung is taking a call, leaning against a wall and sliding a loose slip of paper between two bench cushions.
Perfect spot for a note, Sunoo thinks a little hysterically.
It’s when Sunoo is standing on the platform, waiting to be lifted onto stage, that Jungwon grabs his arm.
“Can you do this?” Jungwon asks. Sunoo wants to be offended, and he kind of is, but he knows Jungwon is only asking because he’s concerned. “You’ve been spaced out all day.”
Sunoo rolls neck and sets his shoulders. “I can do it,” he promises.
Jungwon still looks unsure, but the call comes and he steps back to let Sunoo up. Sunoo blows him a kiss before he gets in his pose. After that, the fans’ screams are so loud he can’t remember why he was so upset in the first place.
Sunoo only spends the night in Denver, and then the next morning they’re taking off for Las Vegas. Sunoo packs up his toiletries with a laser focus, using the motions to pack up whatever remnants of Sunghoon are stuck in his mind back into the box they’re supposed to be living in. Jungwon brings him a double shot that Sunoo sucks down as he ignores Jungwon’s questioning gaze.
They drive into Vegas that night. Riki pulls a random penny slot in a gas station and wins three hundred bucks. Sunoo takes a picture in front of the Vegas sign with Jungwon attached to his side. Heeseung makes Sunoo do a pseudo interview a few feet away too, the sign in the background, about his favorite moments on tour. Sunoo gushes about his fans, the staff, and all of the local food he’s been trying. He says nothing about Denver.
There’s some kind of race happening around the city as Sunoo and his team pack in for his show. Sunoo doesn’t pay much attention to it besides noting the huge black tarps around town and way more people than he thought.
“I thought Vegas was a dying city,” he complains after it takes one of the runners over thirty minutes to get them coffee.
“They’re trying to get people back,” Heeseung shrugs, chugging his hot latte. Sunoo tries to push down his jealousy at the thought of getting to have dairy.
“Maybe I should ditch you guys and become an F1 WAG,” Jungwon sighs dreamily, watching the live feed one of the crew members pulled up on their phone.
Sunoo frowns, “But you’re my WAG,” and Jungwon coos at him.
“He’s your manager,” Heeseung deadpans, “and I’m pretty sure you two combined make, like, half what these guys do.”
Sunoo has to go up for soundcheck shortly after, and he makes sure to shove Heeseung’s head on his way out of the room.
They go out that night. Sunoo’s concert goes perfectly, the first one all tour where not a single thing went wrong, and he also has almost a week until his next one. In the morning he’ll be driven to Los Angeles, where he’ll be doing a second round of press for his album and the second half of the US leg of the tour.
But tonight, Sunoo is drinking with his friends. Heeseung knows the promoter of the club they’re in, so they have no issues getting into the VIP section. Sunoo promised Jungwon not to blackout so he’s pacing himself well enough that he won’t, even though he keeps taking the shots that Riki is bringing him. Jungwon is taking shots too, though, so Sunoo doesn’t feel too bad.
Some of the F1 people end up in the club, and Sunoo takes pictures with a few of them, trying to look much more sober than he feels. One of their girlfriends is a fan so Sunoo signs a few bar napkins and hands them out. He can see Riki and Jungwon trying to chat up some of the drivers but Sunoo has been celibate for months and he wants no part in that.
Sunoo ends up dancing with Heeseung instead. He kind of has no energy left in his entire body but the tequila and mixers give him enough of a second wave that he makes it work.
“You don’t want to try and become a WAG?” Heeseung asks over the music.
Sunoo laughs a little too loud. “No, I promised myself I was off athletes,” he says, then a second later adds, “wait are these guys even considered athletes?”
In the morning, Sunoo wakes up with a headache and the distinct taste of vomit in the very back of his throat. Jungwon and Riki are piled in his bed, curled around each other like napping kittens, and Sunoo rolls over, snuggling into Riki’s back in search of warmth. Riki groans but doesn’t wake up. Sunoo can’t tell if he actually falls back asleep or not by the time Heeseung bursts into his room to wake them up.
“We’ve gotta check out in an hour,” Heeseung claps his hands together, grinning when Jungwon flips him off, “time to pack up little drunkies.”
Sunoo glares at him, face still smushed into Riki’s back. “Why are you not hungover?”
“I have a strong constitution,” Heeseung shrugs, “and once Jungwon tried to kiss me on the mouth I realized his promise of staying mostly sober was a lie so I sobered up.”
“I did not,” Jungwon glowers. The intensity of his stare is dimmed only a little bit by how he’s completely huddled under the duvet, only his nose up poking out. Sunoo thinks he looks like an angry kitten but he doesn’t say that.
“I guess you’ll never know,” Heeseung sings as he rips open the black out curtains. The three men on the bed all groan at the same time. “Up at at ‘em sunshines, we have a city to get to.”
The drive to Los Angeles is only a few hours, and Sunoo spends most of them curled up with a baseball cap over his face trying to sleep. Heeseung gives him and Jungwon a run down of the night before, assuring them that he didn’t let anything crazy happen and he definitely didn’t let anyone get pictures of them out drunk. Which isn’t exactly true because some pictures of Sunoo with the racing guys made their way onto Twitter, but it’s not obvious that Sunoo is drunk in them so it doesn’t matter.
Sunoo gets an energy drink and a salad just before they make it into Downtown LA. They’re meeting a glam team at the hotel to get Sunoo ready for his first round of press, just two short Zoom interviews in the hotel, and Sunoo knows he has to get some kind of sustenance into his body before then.
Sunoo is staring out the window as he eats, waiting to pass the arena he’ll be performing in in just a few short days. It’s as he’s midbite that he sees it, along with the huge electronic banner announcing the LA King’s next home game in two days, against the New Jersey Devils. Sunoo tries to gasp, lettuce and pomegranate seeds hitting the back of his throat as he breathes in.
Everybody on the bus turns towards him. Jungwon starts pounding him on the back. Sunoo coughs up what’s stuck in his throat, spitting it into a trash can and gulping down the water Heeseung hands him.
“Sunoo, are you okay?” Jungwon asks.
Sunoo nods for the benefit of the others, and then nudges Jungwon as he points out the window. The traffic is slow enough that while the arena is farther away than it was, the billboard is still visible.
Funnily enough, Sunoo’s tour promo is on screen when he points at it. Jungwon glances out the window and then at Sunoo, but Sunoo just points again. This time when Jungwon looks over, the same game announcement Sunoo saw is back up.
“Holy shit,” Jungwon mutters, looking over at Sunoo, “he’s, like, here? Like, here here?”
Sunoo nods. “Or will be.” He pulls out his phone to look up the Devils’ schedule. “They’re playing tonight.” Sunoo scrolls because he’s a glutton for punishment, and huffs out a laugh. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
“What?” Jungwon pushes their faces closer so they can look at the screen together.
“They’re playing two games,” Sunoo says, motioning to the schedule, “he’ll be here basically the entire time we are.”
Jungwon looks at him but Sunoo can’t find the strength to even raise his head. He pokes at the salad he no longer has an appetite for and locks his phone screen, hoping that if he pretends like this isn’t happening he can make it stop.
“It’s a big city,” Jungwon tells him, “you guys won’t run into each other.”
Sunoo doesn’t know if that makes him feel better or worse.
***
#SUNOOUR @sunooupdates
#SUNOO’s surprise cover for Denver is Fade Into You by Mazzy Star. The full video is on our media page- link in bio!di @prodnup
SUNOO GET BEHIND ME 𝔦 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔭𝔯𝔬𝔱𝔢𝔠𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲★·.·`¯´·.✴ @starboysn
omg he sang this with so much emotion who hurt him
sunoo’s bestie @catnoo
y’all i saw sunoo at hotpot last night!!! i went after the show w my friends n he was w jungwon n some back up dancers i think. they got a back room, i didn’t wna say anything until this morning just in case!grace @sunoogf
omg we were at the same place! i was freaking out lolsunoo’s bestie @catnoo
same! i could barely eat after lol
jia @itboysun
a lot of people are speculating on fade into you last night and it’s weird. why would sunoo have some secret lover in denver of all places? like the guy lives in new york and y’all wna jump to conclusions that he’s dating someone in middle america? do some of you not realize how far away denver and new york are?flea @utilitypride
this! the surprise cover for atlanta was valentine by laufey, no one said anything then!lee @sunoospants
he didn’t sing valentine like someone ripped his heart out tho
thea @godsnoo
my denver theory: full katy perry moment. sunoo got news his husband was leaving him minutes before he had to be onstage, but knew he couldn’t let down all of his fans. he braved an entire concert, releasing the built up emotions the only time he could: the surprise coverJack @jacklewis
He’s married?thea @godsnoo
no lmao it’s a jokeh @princesunoo
now i have to rewatch that documentary
***
Sunghoon has been going crazy.
He’s been good at hiding it, he thinks. He’s still leading on assists for the team, still makes a goal every now and then. He makes a trick shot in Edmonton that he doesn’t even register quick enough to have a proper celly for before everyone is jumping on him.
But Sunghoon is still going crazy. He’s still being haunted.
“Dude, ghosts don’t exist,” Jay scoffs as he unlaces his skates.
Jake shakes his head. “Ghosts absolutely exist.”
Sunghoon doesn’t mean it in that way, though.
It’s Sunoo. Of course it is, it’s always Sunoo. Ever since that freak show of a party Sunghoon let himself get talked into where he was too scared to breathe in too deeply in case he was pulled for drug testing within the next two weeks. For two years, Kim Sunoo has carved himself deep into the recesses of Sunghoon’s brain and refused to leave.
But if Sunghooon is being honest, which he always is, it’s been longer than two years. By the time Sunghoon was graduating high school and gearing up to move to the states for college, Sunoo was already releasing music. When Sunghoon was moving into his dorm, trying to work out how to pass his classes and play a new level of hockey, and keep his head above water, Sunoo was steadily rising to fame.
Sunghoon knew of him before he knew him. Sunoo was a Korean national who released a few singles and shot into international fame, there was no way Sunghoon would have been able to avoid him. His own sister loved Sunoo, Sunghoon used to have to go out to the grocery stores and scour the checkout lines for any magazine that mentioned Sunoo so he could send it back home to his sister, regardless of the fact that she was falling behind in her English lessons. His mom always said they would encourage her to try harder, and if Sunghoon would flip through them every now and then, that was his business. If Sunghoon ripped out an interview page where Sunoo talked about missing his home country (attached to the most beautiful picture of another man’s face Sunghoon had ever seen) it was simply a finder’s fee.
The point is, when Sunghoon signed to the New Jersey Devils, he was already mentally calculating the miles to Manhattan. In his rookie year, when they played the Rangers and Sunghoon missed every shot he had at the net, he asked an older player how often celebrities came to games. When he saw Sunoo at that stupid party, he stared for way longer than was socially acceptable, trying to figure out if the blow that was littering the room was making him hallucinate. Until Sunoo walked over, said something about needing a cigarette, and the rest was history.
Sunghoon thinks he actually did pretty well in the beginning of their relationship. They met right before the first round of the playoffs started. Sunghoon managed to fit a quick date in before his life went to shit trying to get ice time and also, like, shower and shit. Miraculously, Sunoo waited until the Devils were knocked out in the second round to push to see Sunghoon again. He even gave Sunghoon three days to mope after they lost to Carolina before he called.
That summer was probably the best summer of Sunghoon’s life. He spent as much time in New York as he did in New Jersey. Sunoo had a few music festivals he was performing at, but once he was done with that they flew back to Seoul together for a few weeks. Sunoo didn’t want them to meet each other’s families yet, he said it was too early, so they separated every few days to spend time with their respective parents and sisters.
Before they flew back to the States, Sunghoon took Sunoo to Jeju for a week. Booked a resort that came recommended from an actor friend of his, known for their discretion. They spent the week walking by the beach, and getting couples massages, and holing up in their room.
That season wasn’t Sunghoon’s best. It was a little better than his last, he got more ice time and Sunghoon’s line found some real rhythm towards the end, but the team was disjointed, and they were making more mistakes than they should.
Sunoo released an EP in the winter. Sunghoon was in Canada when it came out, losing horribly in Toronto. He called Sunoo once he was back in his hotel room, sitting in the bathroom with the shower on to avoid his roommate’s chronic eavesdropping issue, and congratulated him on it. Sunoo was at a party, he knew, but still made the time to talk to Sunghoon for a minute and commiserate his loss.
On the plane ride back the next morning, Sunghoon listened to Sunoo’s new music, searching for any hint of himself in the lyrics. He wouldn’t ask, and Sunoo would never offer up the information, but he always thought the last two songs, the ones about love being a warming, quiet, hiding feeling might have been about him. It was a little obvious, since one was named Devil in Red, and the other was named hometown.
All of this to say, Sunghoon doesn’t know where it went wrong.
The Devils didn’t make the playoffs that season, so Sunghoon and Sunoo went back home much earlier. Sunoo still didn’t want to meet his parents (which kind of upset Sunghoon this time. The previous year he understood, but Sunghoon was pretty sure he was going to marry this guy, and he didn’t get why a year in Sunoo still had reservations) but they met each other's sisters, and their sisters met each other.
They didn’t get to stay for long that summer, since Sunoo was in the middle of recording his album. He offered for Sunghoon to stay with his family for longer, but Sunghoon wasn’t sure why he would want to stay in a country Sunoo was nowhere near.
Then, for the rest of the summer, Sunoo was busy. He was recording, he was writing lyrics, he was cutting the music together or something. He kept trying to explain to Sunghoon what producing and composing and sound mixing was but Sunghoon didn’t understand half the words that came out of his mouth.
Sunghoon was left alone in Sunoo’s apartment for most of the summer. He learned New York City pretty well, even got himself a Metrocard. He tried to get a NYC Public Library card with Sunoo’s mail, hoping the worker wouldn’t pay too much attention to the name, but she did, and when Sunghoon tried to act like he only spoke Korean, she started speaking it back until he had to leave with his tail between his legs.
Sunghoon signs up to be a member of The Met, spends four days walking through the museum and another two at the cloisters. He starts frequenting a number of markets in the different boroughs, to the point where he has to make sure he has at least five tote bags every Saturday. When Sunghoon brings all of his stuff back to Newark, he has to borrow an entire suitcase just for all of the second hand books, trinkets, and hand knitted items he’s stocked up on.
If he’s being honest, which Sunghoon always tries to be, that’s probably where everything starts to fall apart.
Through the summer, Sunghoon got used to being alone, and even if he doesn’t want to admit it, even if he tries to stuff the feelings down every time they boil up, resentment starts to build. Sunghoon isn’t used to being left behind, or forgotten, or ignored when he tries to set up dinner plans, or lunch plans, or breakfast plans, or even a solid two hours where he and Sunoo will be in the same place.
Sunoo calls him at one point, to ask if he’ll have time to come into the city for the weekend.
Did you forget I’ve been in the city all summer, Sunghoon thinks but doesn’t say. He makes up an excuse instead, about how he has to be up early for training, and pretends like he can’t tell Sunoo is pissed at him for the rest of the call.
Sunoo starts hinting that they should be more open about their relationship. Sunghoon doesn’t want the world to know about them before his parents have even met his boyfriend, and he knows it will be at least another six months until that happens. But Sunghoon doesn’t want to snark at Sunoo for wasting the opportunity to meet his parents that summer, so he changes the subject like he’s not obviously clued in on what Sunoo is saying.
Sunghoon has the opportunity to fix things, when Sunoo invites him to his album release party, but he fumbles it. Forgets about the party entirely between practices and drill sets. Shows up at Sunoo's apartment without any kind of apology or congratulations.
And then Sunoo shows up at his house and breaks up with him.
Sunghoon should have been expecting it, he thinks. Sunoo is less willing to deal with bullshit than he is.
The Devils lose their home opener two days after Sunoo rips Sunghoon’s heart out of his chest. They’re in Utah three days after that, and Sunghoon is staring at Sunoo’s giant face on the arena’s electronic billboard.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Sunghoon mutters under his breath.
Jake hikes his bag up onto his shoulder next to him. “Oh shit, I heard his tour sold out in, like, thirty minutes or something crazy.”
It was twenty-six minutes.
“He’s fucking hot,” Jay says.
Sunghoon fixes the beanie on his head and walks into the building. Beating the ever loving shit out of Utah’s team is the only thing that makes him feel better.
The issue with dating someone more famous than you, Sunghoon realizes a few weeks later, is that they’re everywhere you go. Sunoo’s tour pictures are in every ice rink they play in, his handwriting is on billboards across America inviting people to his concerts, and every time Sunghoon opens the Google app on his phone to look something up he has news alerts about Sunoo’s tour updates. He would feel better about it if he thought Sunoo was at least dealing with the same thing, but no one cares about hockey in the southern half of America unless they live in a hockey city, and Sunoo hasn’t hit one yet. Sunghoon would know, he’s been tracking the dates on the billboards just in case.
At least until he gets to Los Angeles.
Sunghoon feels a bit shitty when they land in LA. They just lost to the Ducks of all teams, which was humiliating in its own right, and Sunghoon’s legs are tired going into tonight which is like a bad omen looming over him. Worst of all, Sunoo’s tour picture is plastered across the arena when the team pulls up. Sunghoon should be used to it by now, and he is, but this time as he scans the dates he realizes Sunoo’s concert is the day after their second game.
They lose like shit that night. Not a single point on the board. It’s not any one person’s fault, but Sunghoon can’t stop replaying all the passes he missed and shots he took at goal that never made it in. He wasn’t even really distracted, Sunghoon has always made sure not to bring his personal shit onto the ice, but it still burns at him.
“What are your plans?” Jay asks as they’re loading onto the bus.
“Moping in my room until I fall asleep,” Sunghoon responds. “These back to back games are kicking my ass.”
Jake hums in agreement next to him. “Yeah, I’m exhausted. We can watch a movie or something.”
When they get up to their room, Jake puts on a movie and Sunghoon curls up facing the window, his phone tucked against his stomach. It’s easy to nod along and laugh each time Jake laughs while Sunghoon goes to Sunoo’s Instagram stories and watches all of them on mute. A make-up and hair artist is tagged so Sunghoon clicks on their page and goes through their story as well, realizing that Sunoo is already in LA.
That makes sense, he guesses. Sunoo always had obligations in Los Angeles he had to fly out for. It always made him super tired though, so it seems obvious that Jungwon would schedule whatever press Sunoo needed to do for when they were already in town.
He looks good. Sunghoon had seen pictures when Sunoo first cut his hair but it’s grown out a little now, and Sunghoon thinks it suits him just as well. Sunoo’s cheeks look slimmer too, but Sunghoon can’t tell if it’s because of the make-up or if he’s actually lost weight. Sunghoon tries not to worry about him, that’s not his job anymore, but he can’t really stop the instinct.
Jake falls asleep halfway through the movie and Sunghoon shuts the TV off. Then, with his volume as low as it can be while he can still hear it, Sunghoon finds the make-up artist’s page again and clicks through her posts until he gets to the last one where Sunoo is laughing. His face is scrunched up, his right hand lifted to cover how wide his mouth gets when he laughs like this. Sunghoon watches it one, two, three times before he finally shuts his phone off and forces himself to fall asleep.
After practice the next day, Sunghoon is restless. The rest of the guys are going out to a bar for a few hours. Sunghoon has been invited by five different people, but he’s blown all of them off without any real reason. Or, if Sunghoon is being honest with himself, he’s blown all of them off for one specific reason that he’s trying to ignore.
Sunghoon holds his phone in his hand, swiping back and forth from Instagram and his text messages. Sunoo posted his morning coffee a few hours ago, and Sunghoon has looked at the picture of Sunoo’s iced americano hanging over his pink sneakers at least ten times. Unfortunately there are no answers to be found there.
“You sure you don’t want to come out with us?” Jake asks as he sprays himself with cologne, “I don’t think it’s going to get too crazy or anything since we’re playing tomorrow.”
Sunghoon bounces his leg up and down. He flips over to Instagram one more time and sees that Sunoo has posted a story of him crouched down next to Dolly Parton’s Hollywood Star. He flips back to his texts.
“Yeah, I’m just gonna explore a little bit,” he says, distracted, “but have fun for me.”
Jake finishes getting ready and leaves with a promise to let Sunghoon know if he’s going to need the room later. Sunghoon waves him off, waiting until the door has closed to leap out of bed and start getting ready. He has somewhere to be, and he knows he’s going to get chewed out if he’s late.
***
***
Sunghoon is sitting in a swanky ass bar, two drinks sweating in front of him.
It’s been forty-five minutes. Sunghoon can’t figure out if Sunoo is making him wait on purpose or if he’s just not going to show. It doesn’t seem in Sunoo’s nature to stand someone up, but then again, Sunghoon didn’t think it was in Sunoo’s nature to ignore him for two weeks and then appear in his home to break his heart. And yet.
Sunghoon checks the time on his phone again (fifty minutes), just as the hostess leads Sunoo over to the table. Sunghoon stands to greet Sunoo, something that changes from the awkward side hug Sunghoon was aiming for to an even more awkward hand grab after Sunoo dodges him, and they both sit down.
“It’s nice to see you,” Sunoo says, lips pursed together.
Sunghoon grins. It’s not even his fault. He has an automatic reaction to seeing Sunoo, has for the past almost two years, and not even the weird chilly atmosphere between them can stop it apparently. Plus, Sunoo looks so cute, trying to seem irritated with Sunghoon, like Sunghoon can’t tell he did his hair and is wearing Sunghoon’s favorite perfume. Sunghoon doesn’t know why Sunoo would be irritated with him in the first place, seeing as Sunghoon was the one who got dumped.
“Sunoo-yah,” he says lowly, teasingly. Sunghoon pretends like he doesn’t see Sunoo’s body twitch, “This is such a cold way to greet an old friend.”
“Ah, hyung,” Sunoo says with a superficial pout on his face. Sunghoon wishes he could lean over and bite his cheek. “How are you?”
Sunghoon shrugs and nods towards the aperol spritz that has been waiting for Sunoo. He doesn’t answer until Sunoo takes a sip just so he can watch him choke on it when he says, “Better now than I have been.”
Sunoo coughs daintily into a napkin and Sunghoon grins again, unable to stop himself. God, he’s missed this. He missed Sunoo.
“Seriously,” Sunoo grits into his napkin, “what is wrong with you?”
“Sunoo-yah,” Sunghoon frowns, reaching over to take Sunoo’s napkin and motioning for a server to replace it, “I was only being honest.”
Sunoo drops the glare so he can smile at the person who brings him his new napkin, thanking them brightly. The look on his face only lasts until he’s facing Sunghoon again, and then he’s stone faced.
“Hyung, seriously. Why did you call me here?”
Sunghoon hums and takes a sip of his beer. “Honestly?” Sunoo nods. “I saw you were in town and I wanted to see you.”
For a brief moment, Sunoo’s face softens. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Sunghoon stares as Sunoo takes another sip of his drink, his eyes following Sunoo’s throat shifting as he swallows. A drop of liquid clings to the corner of Sunoo’s mouth and Sunghoon thinks about licking it up and pushing it into his mouth with his tongue. There’s a throbbing at the base of Sunghoon’s skull urging him to touch Sunoo, to get up and cross the distance that has somehow grown between the two of them. Sunghoon knows he’s desperate, but he kind of doesn’t care. At least now he can be desperate with Sunoo in front of him, instead of searching for his face on billboards and web articles.
“Hyung,” Sunoo says, tracing the base of his glass with his finger. Sunghoon straightens up and Sunoo’s eyes brighten the way they always do when he knows he has Sunghoon in his palm. Sunghoon can’t even find it in him to be upset. “How has your season been going?”
“Okay,” Sunghoon says distractedly, “wins and losses, you know how it goes.”
“Mhm,” Sunoo hums, a slight smile pulling at his mouth. “Did you win your last game?”
Sunghoon scoffs. “Yeah. Of course.” He thinks. He can’t really remember with the way Sunoo’s mouth keeps pouting as he talks.
Sunoo’s tinkering laugh fills the space between them, his hand raising to cover his mouth, and Sunghoon breaks out of his trace.
“Hyung, I watched your game last night. You lost. Bad.”
A satisfied grin spreads across Sunghoon’s face. “You watched my game?”
Sunoo looks caught for maybe two seconds before he schools his face and shrugs. “It was on when I got back to the hotel.”
“Right,” Sunghoon says, unable to wipe the grin off his face. “Which hotel are you staying at again?”
“Why? You want an invitation?”
Sunghoon shrugs. “I wouldn’t mind one.”
Sunoo shakes his head. “I think if I take you in there Jungwon will shoot you.”
“I thought Jungwon liked me,” Sunghoon frowns. Sunoo’s eyebrow twitches and Sunghoon scoffs. It’s crazy how you can be the one who’s broken up with and still be the villain. “Whatever. I’ll just text Jake and tell him to vacate the room for a few hours.”
“Ew, you guys are still sharing rooms?”
Sunghoon’s eyes narrow the most miniscule amount. “Everyone on tour with you gets the penthouse at the Ritz-Carlton? Or just you?”
Sunoo glares back. “Well there’s not that many penthouses, and I don’t stay at the Ritz-Carlton. It’s gaudy.”
Neither of them move for a moment, both waiting for the other to back down. Sunghoon would normally, he doesn’t actually give a shit that Sunoo thinks he’s lame for always sharing a room with Jake on the road. But this time he refuses, out of ego or bravado, he doesn’t really care.
“Whatever,” Sunoo eventually says with an eye roll. “Let’s just go. I’ll call the car.”
“I’ll text Jake.”
Before Sunghoon can get his phone out Sunoo sticks his hand up to stop him. “No. I’m not doing this in your little frat room. I’d rather take our chances with Jungwon.”
Sunghoon frowns even as he waves the waiter over for the check. “I don’t get a say? What if I don’t want to risk being shot?”
“You can say no at any time, Sunghoon,” Sunoo says, finishing typing on his phone and placing it on the table face down. “I won’t stop you from leaving on your own.”
Sunghoon stares at him, and Sunoo stares back. Sunghoon should probably say no at this point. Call an Uber and have an early night before the game tomorrow. Sunghoon knows they can’t keep losing, and staying out all night probably isn’t the most strategic move to make that happen. He can’t even tell what Sunoo’s deal is, why he keeps switching from antagonizing to flirty and what it all means.
But Sunghoon also knows he can’t stop himself. He never could, when it came to Sunoo. It’s a terrible idea, and he has a game tomorrow, and there is still a Sunoo shaped bruise on his heart that hurts every time Sunghoon even thinks about it too much. But.
“Let’s go,” Sunghoon says, grabbing his jacket.
Sunoo’s lips purse together to stop himself from smiling. Sunghoon places a hand on the small of his back and forgives himself for what he’s about to do.
***
j @sunspade
just saw sunoo getting into a car 🥹 my life is complete
sam @iceline
??? just saw * with a very famous singer? what?oli @86pk
omg who
deuxmoi @deuxmoiworld
Sunoo was seen leaving a date with Sunghoon Park of the New Jersey Devils
TMZ @TMZ
#EXCLUSIVE Sunoo seen out on the town with Sunghoon Park in LA tmz.me/U7dkaFh
***
Sunoo is on Sunghoon before the door fully shuts behind them.
Sunghoon is ready for the weight of Sunoo to slam against his front, his hands lifting to grab at Sunoo’s waist like it’s second nature. Their mouths don’t part as they start shedding their jackets and kicking off their shoes. The sound of Sunoo throwing his bag somewhere behind him makes Sunghoon’s dick throb in response.
Sunoo pulls away just long enough to slip his shirt over his head, and then darts forward to lick a strip up Sunghoon’s neck. Sunghoon breathes shakily, tries to steel himself when Sunoo drops down to his knees.
“Can’t take you deep,” Sunoo pouts against Sunghoon’s thigh as he undoes his fly. Sunghoon doesn’t even fully understand what he’s saying, his brain turned to mush. “I have to film tomorrow. So don’t move.”
Sunghoon nods frantically in agreement, head banging against the wall when Sunoo slips his mouth over him.
“Oh my god,” Sunghoon whimpers, clenching his thighs to resist the urge to thrust. “Fuck, baby.” Sunghoon feels Sunoo shudder against him at the pet name. Sunoo licks over his slit, suckles at the head as he moans.
“You were made just for this,” Sunghoon slips a hand into Sunoo’s hair, not pulling or pushing, just to have something to grip onto. Sunoo takes him a little deeper and Sunghoon moans. “Made just for me.”
Sunoo’s pretty eyes stare up at Sunghoon, his lips still wrapped around his dick, and Sunghoon yanks him off before he comes, pulls Sunoo to his feet so he can lick into his mouth. It’s not even a proper kiss, Sunghoon is distracted trying to get them to the bedroom, but Sunoo still whines through it, gripping at every part of Sunghoon he can reach.
Sunghoon tosses him onto the bed. He knows Sunoo was expecting it from the way he catches himself. Heat pools in Sunghoon’s gut, and he’s horny enough that he’s not even thinking about how stupid he must look, his cock hard and bobbing out of the fly of his jeans. He sheds his clothes at the same time Sunoo starts kicking off his pants.
“I am the luckiest man alive,” Sunghoon groans once Sunoo is naked, gripping one of his ankles to drag him to the edge of the bed. Sunoo gasps, tries to pull away. Sunghoon grips tighter, his thumb digging into Sunoo’s ankle bone, and Sunoo melts against the mattress, the fight leaking out of him as he flips onto his knees. Sunghoon’s hand traces up Sunoo’s leg, following soft skin and sinewy muscle up until he’s palming his ass.
Sunoo is so small under Sunghoon, so pretty when he grips each cheek and opens Sunoo up. Sunoo moans into a pillow as Sunghoon rubs his thumb over the furl of his hole.
“Did you clean up well?” Sunghoon asks. Sunoo doesn’t even finish saying yes before Sunghoon dives forward, dragging his tongue across Sunoo’s rim. Sunghoon’s eyes close in pleasure as he licks Sunoo open, his cock throbbing with each of Sunoo’s moans.
“Hyung,” Sunoo whines, his hand coming back to grip at Sunghoon’s hair. The pressure on his scalp has Sunghoon’s eyes rolling back. Sunoo groans, holds onto Sunghoon tighter as his hips start thrusting against his tongue. Sunghoon leaves his tongue out so Sunoo can ride it easier, and just when his body starts to tense and buck, Sunghoon pulls away. Opens his mouth wide so he can bite Sunoo’s asscheek.
“You’re going to leave a bruise,” Sunoo complains, voice laced with pleasure. Sunghoon smiles against his hole. That’s fine with him. Sunghoon used to dream of tattooing his name onto Sunoo’s stomach, just so that whoever saw him naked would know Sunghoon was there first. A bruise in the shape of his mouth meant nothing to him.
Sunghoon grabs the sachet of lube and condom still in his jeans pocket, gripping at his cock just to relieve some of the pressure. There’s an urgency rushing through him that’s making his movements messy and rushed. Sunghoon thought there was never a chance of having Sunoo this close ever again, never thought he would be allowed to feel this close to him after he walked out of Sunghoon’s apartment all those weeks ago.
It might be dumb, but Sunghoon doesn’t want to stop touching Sunoo for long enough that he realizes what a terrible idea this is. He pushes one finger in, realizes Sunoo must have prepped before meeting him at the bar, and shoves a second in.
“Be gentle, asshole,” Sunoo grunts even as he shoves his ass further onto Sunghoon’s index and middle fingers.
Sunghoon runs his free hand down Sunoo’s back like he’s trying to calm an animal. “Tell me how good I’m making you feel,” he demands.
Sunoo rolls his lips into his mouth, refusing to speak. Sunghoon starts pushing his fingers in deeper, harder, until he finds Sunoo’s prostate. Sunoo’s entire body curls inward and then pushes back out, like he can’t decide whether to pull away from the feeling or push into it. Sunghoon grins and adds a third finger, relishing in Sunoo’s resulting moan.
“Come on, baby,” Sunghoon murmurs, “I wanna hear you. Need it.”
A restrained squeak sneaks out of Sunoo’s throat as Sunghoon wraps an arm around his waist to pull him closer. He’s right on top of him like this, wrist cramping as he gets Sunoo ready for him. Sunghoon’s dick is pressing into Sunoo’s thigh, and he can’t tell if Sunoo keeps squirming to torture him, or just because he’s feeling good.
Sunghoon presses a kiss against Sunoo’s sweaty nape, taking in deep lungfuls of how he smells. “I love,” Sunghoon stops himself, his dry throat clicking as he swallows what is so desperately trying to escape. “Love you like this. All desperate for me.”
“Sunghoon,” Sunoo grips at his wrist, turning his head as far as he can to make eye contact. “Get inside of me.”
Sunghoon doesn’t bother to hide his grin. “Not until you tell me how I’m making you feel.” Sunghoon can see the fight hardening in Sunoo’s eyes until he curls his fingers just right and Sunoo’s body sags in surrender.
“Please,” he whispers.
“I can’t hear you,” Sunghoon hums.
Sunoo’s grip on him turns punishing. “Feels so good,” Sunoo grits. “I need you inside, please. Need it so bad.”
With a groan, Sunghoon pulls away from Sunoo to slide on the condom and spread lube over himself, tugging at his cock a few times to make sure he’s not going to come as soon as he’s inside Sunoo.
“I’ll make it better, sweetheart,” Sunghoon promises.
In an ideal world, Sunghoon would tease Sunoo for longer. Work him up until he’s whining and desperate, begging Sunghoon to do something already. Sunghoon has always loved the way Sunoo’s eyes look when they get teary and pouty with pleasure.
But Sunghoon is too impatient himself. It’s been weeks, which have felt like years, since he’s had Sunoo so close. He looks like he was made just for Sunghoon, the way he’s twisted up in bed. He rests one hand on the mattress next to Sunoo’s ribs and uses the other to guide his dick to his entrance. Sunghoon is just about to make contact when he hesitates.
“Is this a bad idea?” Sunghoon asks, heart in his throat.
Sunoo groans, his entire body twitching with irritation. “Who fucking cares?”
That’s good enough for Sunghoon. He pushes forward at the same time Sunoo flexes his hips up, gasping and shoving and groaning until he’s buried to the root.
“Sunghoon,” Sunoo sighs, body finally completely relaxing.
Sunghoon grunts, staring completely entranced at where they’re connected. His hand slides down Sunoo’s thigh until his thumb is tracing where Sunoo’s rim is stretched thin around him. Sunoo’s leg kicks at him and Sunghoon breathes out an apology.
“Feels so good baby,” Sunghoon moans, fucking into Sunoo. Sunoo whimpers, his left hand leaving fingernail marks in Sunghoon’s bicep as his right flies up to grip at the headboard.
“Fuck, Sunghoon,” Sunoo gasps. Sunghoon pulls his knees under himself, plants a foot down so he can thrust deeper. Sunghoon kisses down Sunoo’s throat, wet, open mouthed kisses that get the salty taste of Sunoo’s sweat in his mouth. He sucks too long at the same spot and Sunoo’s hand flies to his hair, tugging him away. Sunghoon moans unabashedly, hips jerking forward unsteadily until he can get his rhythm back.
“No,” Sunoo tries.
“I know, sorry,” Sunghoon pants, ducking his head to kiss Sunoo on the mouth. It’s not much of a kiss, both of them mostly panting into each other’s mouths. “I know, no marks. Promise.”
Sunoo hums in appreciation, using his grip on Sunghoon’s hair to pull him to the other side of his neck. Sunghoon is more gentle this time, luxuriating in the feel of Sunoo all around him. He sneaks a hand between them to grab Sunoo’s cock, smiles when Sunoo groans at the feeling.
“You’re so deep,” Sunoo moans, “fuck- hurts a little.”
Sunghoon moves to pull back and Sunoo wraps his legs around him to stop him. “No, feels good too.”
“Yeah?” Sunghoon starts thrusting faster, the pressure in his pelvis growing stronger. “You would just take anything I gave you, huh?”
“Shut up,” Sunoo’s grip on his hair tightens once again.
Sunghoon moans, loud and unabashed. “Fuck, baby, you’re gonna make me come.”
Sunoo squeezes around him, leaving Sunghoon gasping and bucking into him. Sunoo pushes Sunghoon’s hand away from his dick so he can take over, hand stroking himself frantically.
“Fuck, Sunoo, oh my god,” Sunghoon babbles. His thrusts lose their rhythm as Sunghoon starts shoving himself as far into Sunoo as he can get, until he’s not even thrusting, just grinding as he comes deep into Sunoo. Sunoo is bucking against him, feet planted on the mattress to get more leverage, and Sunghoon can tell when he starts coming from the way he starts convulsing around Sunghoon, elongating his orgasm.
Sunghoon counts to ten before he pulls out of Sunoo as gently as he can manage and takes off to the bathroom. He wets a washcloth and gives himself a cursory wipe down, then grabs a clean one and turns the faucet to hot so he can bring it to Sunoo. Sunghoon debates wiping Sunoo down for him the entire time he’s waiting for the water to warm up, and when he has to find his way back through the living room into the bedroom, until he walks in and Sunoo sticks his hand out to grab it from him.
“What are you filming tomorrow?” Sunghoon asks just to break up the screaming silence between them as he gets dressed.
“Just some Youtube content,” Sunoo is sitting up now, comforter draped across his lap, and Sunghoon wishes he could slide back into bed. He’s a cuddler after sex, always has been, but he knows he and Sunoo have probably already pushed things too far tonight. Laying against Sunoo’s chest while he plays with Sunghoon’s hair would feel good in the moment, but would probably just make Sunghoon want to bash his head in after it was over.
“Well,” Sunghoon says as he finishes buttoning his shirt up and sweeps his hair back, “I have morning practice tomorrow, so…”
Sunoo nods, doesn’t get out of bed as he says, “See you around?”
Sunghoon takes the two steps it takes to get to Sunoo’s side and leans down, his hand cupping Sunoo’s cheek as he kisses him. It’s open mouthed and slow. Sunghoon licks against the backs of Sunoo’s teeth, sucks on his tongue. Sunoo’s hand reaches up to grab Sunghoon by the shirt and yank him closer. The sound of their mouths moving against each other echo through Sunoo’s hotel room and Sunghoon would be content to stay here, kissing Sunoo all night if he could.
But he can’t. Sunghoon pulls away slowly, waits for Sunoo to drop his hand from his chest before he kisses his cheek in goodbye.
“I’ll see you around, Sunoo,” Sunghoon says quietly into Sunoo’s ear. There’s no response and Sunghoon walks out, shoves his feet into his shoes, forcing the heel down so he doesn’t have to wait even a second longer to get out of there.
Sunghoon calls an Uber, sits in the backseat brooding silently through the streets of Los Angeles. It’s not until he’s successfully snuck back into his room with Jake, when he’s showering in cold water to punish himself for being an idiot, that Sunghoon allows himself to really feel sad. He doesn’t cry, Sunghoon is certainly not a crier, but he does rest his back against the shower wall and stare despondently at the hickey Sunoo left on the inside of his thigh. Sunghoon stays in the shower until his limbs are bright red from the cold, then wipes himself dry and tugs on a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt.
Sunghoon curls up in bed, his back facing Jake, but sleep doesn’t come. He counts to five hundred, tenses every muscle and then relaxes them one by one, does box breaths until the number four starts to actively piss him off. Nothing works.
“Dude, be quiet,” Jake grunts as Sunghoon is once again flipping to his opposite side.
Sunghoon sighs and gets as comfortable as he can. With one more deep breath he closes his eyes and imagines Sunoo’s king sized mattress and fluffy comforter. The one in his apartment, not the one in the hotel. Sunghoon imagines the last time he fell asleep in Sunoo’s room, with Sunoo tucked against his back, his soft breaths tickling Sunghoon’s neck. Convinces himself he can smell the apple candles Sunoo has all over his apartment, and the lavender sleep spray that Sunoo used religiously. Pretends one last time that Sunoo never broke up with him and they’re still in love.
He’s asleep in seconds.
***
#SUNOOUR @sunooupdates
#SUNOOUR in LA is in just two days! Two of our admins will be there, who else will be?thea @godsnoo
girl, are you not going to talk about the news????#SUNOOUR @sunooupdates
We here at Sunooupdates do not partake in or encourage the spreading of unconfirmed rumours. Sunoo is giving us everything he has on his tour, he deserves his privacy in return.
***
Sunghoon wakes up late enough that he and Jake are rushing around to make it to the rink on time.
Jake keeps blaming Sunghoon, but he was in a nice deep sleep by the time Sunghoon slipped into the room, so Sunghoon doesn’t know why he would be in charge of making sure they both got up.
“I forgot to set an alarm,” Jake hisses as he yanks on the same pants he was wearing the day before.
“How is that my fault?” Sunghoon demands.
Sunghoon is playing catch up throughout the rest of the morning, extra energy flooding his bones even when he’s safely made it onto the ice without getting yelled at. He hasn’t even thought about Sunoo yet, which feels big, and since the team had already gone over their last game against the Kings the day before, their morning meeting wrapped up early. Plus, Sunghoon isn’t on media until after the game, and neither is Jake, which means the nap Sunghoon has been dreaming of since he opened his eyes this morning is starting to look more and more real.
Overall, Sunghoon is feeling pretty good after morning skate. It’s not until after he’s all showered up and waiting for Jake to hurry his slow ass up that he gets called into the office.
It seems a little unfair for him to get in trouble for being late alone since Jake always takes twenty minute showers, but Sunghoon is willing to suck it up. He’s already trying to figure out a good excuse when he walks in and sees way too many people staring back at him. Too many for just being tardy, at least.
“Uh, hello?” Sunghoon says tentatively.
“Sunghoon, come sit,” George, their GM says, waving to the lone empty chair. Sunghoon takes one step before he hesitates. If he’s about to be traded right before a game, he would really rather be standing for it.
“What’s going on?”
George looks at the others and takes a deep breath. “Have you been reached out to by any news outlets?”
Sunghoon instinctively reaches for his phone only to remember it’s been shoved in his bag since he woke up this morning. “I haven’t checked.” George nods tightly and Sunghoon’s stomach drops. “Wait, did something happen? Is my family okay?”
“This doesn’t involve your family,” George says, gesturing to the seat again. Sunghoon sits down this time, mind swirling with what exactly could be happening. “There were photos leaked last night. With you and,” some random guy Sunghoon doesn’t remember ever seeing before this places a folder of pictures down on the desk and George glances at them. “With SUNOO? The singer.”
Sunghoon’s blood freezes in his veins. A distant ringing fills his ears and muffles the noise around him until he can see George’s mouth moving, but he can’t actually hear anything coming out of his mouth. Fear quickens his heart beat until Sunghoon feels like he can barely breathe, and then anger whites out his vision. Sunghoon thinks he might throw up, but he doesn’t know where the trash can is, doesn’t even know if there is a trash can in the room and his vision is so blurry that even when he’s frantically looking around he still can‘t find one.
“The organization stands behind you no matter what you decide, of course,” George continues on. Sunghoon focuses on taking in deep enough breaths that they force the nausea down.
“What exactly is this picture?”
George flips a page and hands over the folder. There are four. One of him and Sunoo standing on the sidewalk, one of them each entering the bar, and one of them standing and talking inside. Nothing of them getting into the car or of Sunoo pulling him into the hotel at least.
Sunghoon sighs in relief. “We’re not together,” he says, shutting the folder and placing it back on the desk, “and these don’t actually prove anything.”
George hums and glances at the folder like it’s going to tell him if Sunghoon is lying or not. Which he’s not. There are way worse pictures of him and Sunoo on his phone. These ones are bullshit for a love affair scandal. Sunghoon doesn’t understand why he’s been pulled into a meeting about this at all.
“There’s been fan speculation that’s taken on a life of its own,” he explains, fingers drumming on the desk. “The news has started to report on it, so we thought it was important enough to have a real discussion about.”
Sunghoon clears his throat, wiping his hands on his thighs. “Well. Must be a slow news day.”
“You’ll probably be asked about this at some point.”
“I can handle it.” Hopefully. Sunghoon just wants to stop talking about it right now.
George clears his throat, but still nods in agreement. “Alright. If you want us to refuse questions, or release a statement, let either me or Lewis know by five this afternoon. Lewis can help you come up with some responses if you’re asked about it as well.”
Sunghoon nods along with the rest of his directions and books it out of there as soon as he’s released.
The locker room is empty except for Jake, who is sitting on the bench scrolling on his phone. Sunghoon can’t tell if he’s happy or annoyed that Jake waited for him to leave. Both, probably.
Jake looks up when Sunghoon’s knee collides with an errant folding chair. “Dude, did we get in trouble for being late?”
The guilty look on his face makes Sunghoon laugh, and once he starts he can’t stop. Jake is staring at him in concern as Sunghoon doubles over, his loud cackles echoing in the empty room. Sunghoon laughs so hard that tears fill his eyes. After the first one drips onto his cheek, he can’t stop the rest from following until he’s squatted down on the floor, head buried into his knees as he silently weeps.
“Hoon,” Jake says hesitantly. Sunghoon can hear him get up and shuffle over to him, but he doesn’t look up. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s just been a long season,” He says into his knees. He can’t say anything else. Sunghoon dated Sunoo for twenty months, was blatantly in love with him for at least eighteen of those, and he can’t even tell his closest friend how badly he’s fucked it. Because for those twenty months they were perfect. Sunghoon and Sunoo were basically CIA operatives with the way they were able to sneak around without anyone figuring out what was going on between them. They went on multiple international vacations together for Christ's sake. And all it took for them to finally get caught was Sunghoon being pathetic enough to want one last memory with his ex that didn’t include getting his heart broken.
Jake pats his back. He doesn’t say what Sunghoon knows he has to be thinking, that the season has barely started and if he’s already in tears about it things are only going to get worse. Sunghoon is grateful for that, even though a part of him wishes Jake were capable of being mean to people. Maybe the humiliation would finally get Sunghoon’s head screwed on straight. At least he doesn’t have to expand on his lie.
“Wanna go back to the hotel and get room service?”
Sunghoon wipes his face against his sweats and agrees. If he huddles behind Jake on their way out to the car, Jake doesn’t call him on it.
***
TRANSCRIPT OF POSTGAME INTERVIEW WITH SUNGHOON PARK | KINGS V. DEVILS
SMITH: Congratulations on the win. This team has had a rough few games, what does this win mean after your loss just two days ago?
PARK: Yeah, you know, we’ve had a few inconsistencies since the start of the season, but we’re figuring out our lines and flow. This win is definitely a step in the right direction, but we’re still taking things day by day.
SMITH: There was a moment in the beginning of the second period where it seemed like you guys were being out shot, what do you think it took to change that by the end of the game?
PARK: Yeah, for sure. We owe a lot of our night to Holsy’s goal tending, but I knew our guys would make more opportunities and when we did we would get the points.
SMITH: You got two goals of your own tonight, how are you feeling about those?
PARK: Yeah, it doesn’t always work out like that, so I’m feeling good. Getting that break away in the first period really set up the energy of the game, so being able to get that second goal in the third period was a nice way to end my night.
SMITH: It was a beautiful goal.
PARK: [Laughs] Thank you. I haven’t seen it on tape yet but it felt great.
SMITH: What was going through your head when you got that goal? I’m sure it felt good getting some insurance so close to the end of the game.
PARK: Yeah, of course. Um, mostly when I’m trying to score a lot of words not fit for broadcast go through my head. But other than that I focus on what I know how to do. I don’t get too excited about winning until it happens but after the horns blew I definitely felt relieved.
SMITH: A bit of a personal question if I may, but there have been reports that you and SUNOO have been seen out together. Could having someone to impress have helped your game?
PARK: Uh, yeah. Sunoo is a great guy. We’ve met a couple of times, and we did run into each other recently. It’s always nice to meet people I can speak Korean with, but I think what helped my game the most was our coaching staff and the extra hours the team has been putting in. The game moves fast, you know, so staying focused and working towards the same goal is what I think pulled us ahead this time.
SMITH: It was a great game. Thank you for your time, Sunghoon.
PARK: Yeah, thanks.