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What was the moment? It's hard to say
I’m sure I don't remember anyway
Before I only knew to hesitate
Pin back in the grenade
It’s hard for Eddie to place the exact moment he fell in love with Buck. But he knows it happened, and he knows that he has never felt like this before.
Was it the moment he first laid eyes on Buck? That one fateful morning in the firehouse.
Or was it that night outside the hospital, during the tsunami recovery? He does remember a faint feeling of something shifting in his chest when he turned to watch Buck collapse into Hen's shoulder.
Or maybe it was the day Eddie got shot. His memory of the incident is so blurry. But he remembers Buck saving him. Dragging his body across the hot asphalt and underneath the firetruck. Buck practically throwing his body over his shoulder before hauling him in. Buck saved his life, multiple times. Eddie can never forget that.
Although, it could have been the night Buck got struck by lighting. Eddie was so distraught over the sight of him just — hanging there — lifeless, that he completely ignored the pain radiating over his body. The whole endeavor is still vivid in Eddie's memory. The cool rain, the adrenaline, the fear. Once they got to the hospital, he practically tore Chimney off of Buck and took over compressions. The only sound in his mind being the endless chanting of "C'mon Buck. Come back to me."
The actions that Buck took changed the way Eddie felt about him. But it made him feel sick. Nauseous. Wrong. He couldn’t accept what it meant. Wouldn’t let himself feel it. So, he shoved it down.
And all the ways I'd keep you safe
I keep you safe from me
Eddie has a lot of demons. Some of which have surged forward to make themselves known. Others may never resurface. Buck has seen some of the worst parts of Eddie.
Like the time Christopher called him in tears as Eddie had a breakdown in his bedroom. Tearing things apart, shoving furniture around, smashing holes in the walls.
Or when the whole Kim Situation happened, and Christopher called his grandparents to come and get him. Eddie called Buck in return, needing — no — craving, his presence in that moment. Eddie knows that allowing Buck to see him in that state changed something between them. If Buck knows too, Eddie won’t allow himself to find out.
And, oh, my love, I lied to you
But I never needed to
Oh, my love, I lied to you
But you always knew the truth
Loving Shannon was something that came easy to Eddie, but it never felt entirely right. Maybe it was the rush of it all. Pregnant at eighteen, married by nineteen, and deployed before he was twenty. Or maybe it was his absence in their relationship. To Eddie’s regret, he wasn’t there. At least, not when he really needed to be. He thought he was doing it right. Working, risking his life. Providing. But he wouldn’t find out until years later that he was doing it all wrong.
Eddie thought he always had his walls up high. Especially after Shannon left. He told himself he would never let anyone get close again. Call it a defense mechanism. But deep, deep down he knew it was something else.
But, little did twenty-six year old Eddie know, a kind and caring firefighter in Los Angeles would break those walls down without him even noticing. Despite their rocky start, Buck ended up getting to know Eddie better than anyone has ever before.
I got too good at fightin’ chemicals
And dodging arrows I was askin’ for
Wadin’ through the fog and then it disappeared
Naked when I’m here
Because of Eddie’s crippling inability to let himself want what he deserves, he became really good at pushing down his true desires. He felt he wasn’t worthy of happiness, or of love. Of joy.
Eddie put all of his effort into giving Christopher what he wanted and needed. Christopher was his joy, in all the ways he could be. Despite that, there are things that Eddie needs that Christopher will never be able to fulfill. And, in turn, there are things that Chris needs that Eddie will never be able to understand.
Only one of them understands there is someone in their lives who can provide that for both of them, and it isn’t Eddie.
Eddie will learn eventually, but even now he knows that breaking open that box. Opening that door, will tear him apart in a multitude of ways, some better, some worse.
And why should I deny what’s all
At once, so crystal clear
Eddie finally lets himself accept what he’d been feeling towards Buck the day of the building collapse.
“Where are you?”
“Right in front of you.”
Literally in that moment, it finally makes sense to him. They’ve been in front of each other this entire time. Dancing around one another for eight years. Searching for what they wanted, what they needed, in other people. Not knowing they had already found it. They were staring right at each other the entire time. And not once did either of them register it.
And, oh, my love, I lied to you
But I never needed to
Oh, my love, I lied to you
But you always knew the truth
Now, Eddie is faced with a terrifying decision. Does he continue hiding his feelings or does he finally confess the undeniable weight that has been on his chest for years?
Love is not an easy thing to admit
But I’m not ashamed of it
So, here he is, standing in front of his his old front door, hands wringing together. His heart rate increases. Panic sets in. Fear beings to take over. He takes a deep breath to steady himself.
Love is not a weakening if you feel it rushin’ in
Don't be ashamed of it
Seconds later, three knocks ring out from the door. Buck shifts from his spot on the couch. He's didn't think Eddie would be back this early. He makes his way to the door, opening it. He takes in Eddies form, he looks nervous, but Buck steps aside to let Eddie in. There's a thick silence surrounding them. Neither one of them is uncomfortable. It feels welcoming. Buck gives Eddie a soft, lopsided smile as he shuts the door.
Mm, love is not an easy thing to admit
But I'm not ashamed of it
Mm, love is not a weakening if you feel it rushin' in
Don’t be ashamed of it
Eddie returns his smile with a similar one, turning to toe off his shoes on the mat beside the door. As the two stand in front of one another, lightly smiling at each other, Buck tips his head to the left a little.
"Was Chris happy to see his friends?"
"Oh absolutely. He begged me to let him stay the night there. I couldn't refuse."
Buck's smile ticks up just the slightest bit, Eddie notices. Buck's shoulders shrug up, his eyebrows furrowing a little.
"You look like you need to talk about something."
And, oh, my love, I lied to you
But I never needed to
Eddie takes a sharp breath, somehow shocked that Buck could sense the unease within him.
"Uh, yeah. C'mere,"
Eddie waves his hand toward the couch, making his way to sit on the further side. Buck follows to sit right beside him, a fair few inches between their bodies. It's completely silent in the house, and it feels like the world has stopped moving, but neither Eddie or Buck can find it in themselves to care. It feels welcoming to Eddie and soothing to Buck. They haven't lost eye contact for more than three seconds since Buck opened the door.
"What's up, Eds?"
Eds. Eddie loves that nickname. He'll never admit it out loud, though.
Oh, my love, I lied to you
But you always knew the truth
"Um, okay," Eddie mumbles, "while- when, I was in Texas, I spent a lot of time with my sisters, outside of reconciling with Chris, obviously." Buck makes a hum of understanding.
"We talked a lot, about my life here, about what and who I missed. They helped me realize some things that I don't think I would have naturally come to the conclusion of," Eddie glances to the side, staring aimlessly at the corner of the coffee table, "in fact, one night, we went out for drinks and I did something that they still have not let me live down."
Buck chuckles softly. His eyes gleaming a little in the warm light of the floor lamp in the corner.
"At some point, we got onto the topic of my love life. I skipped a retelling of what happened with Kim, and said something along the lines of wanting to give up on romantic relationships for a while, and just focusing on Chris and I's relationship. That's when Adriana spoke up," Eddie shuffles his body a bit, facing more towards Buck, "She said "Well… Eddie. Have you ever considered that what you've been looking for has been right in front of you this whole time?"
Eddie locks eyes with Buck, just as a flash of realization passes over his face. Eddies eyes soften. The blue of Bucks eyes become more prominent, almost a different shade entirely.
"That's kinda when it started to make sense to me. There has been someone who has been there for me this entire time. Someone who has been right in front of me."
And, oh, my love, I lied to you
But I never needed to
Now, Eddie doesn't know this, but Bucks heart is racing. His hands are getting clammy. Clammier than they normally are. His eyes track across every feature of Eddie's face, pinpointing every detail. Down to the fact that Eddies flushed cheeks are visible even in the dim lighting of the living room. They lock eyes again and Bucks heart slows down, the look of relief in Eddie's eyes relaxing him. It then hits Buck that they've both been silent for, a while now, just staring at each other. Buck clears his throat.
"Th-that's what you said to me last week. Outside the building. On the- on the parking garage." Bucks eyes are huge, close to bulging out of his head.
Eddie nods, a hum of agreement leaving his throat, "Sure is."
"Eddie. What are you saying."
"I'm saying, that its you. Its always been you."
Buck thinks he's stopped breathing, or computing entirely. Until, he lets out the breath he was holding, laughing in the process.
"Good."
Oh, my love, I lied to you
But you always knew the truth
Buck lunges forward, grabbing Eddie into his arms before leaning back on the couch, dragging Eddie with him. Eddie honest-to-god giggles and collapses with Buck, accepting the bone crushing hug.
"I think its always been you, too," Buck says. If it were possible, his eyes would've taken the shape of a heart. Their faces are inches apart. They're breathing the same air. Looking nowhere but each others eyes. Eddies right hand reaches up to cradle Bucks jaw.
"Good," Eddie smiles as he leans in, locking their lips together. The kiss is synonymous with perfect. Just warm lips locked together, finally getting something they've craved for years. Neither of them know how much time has passed, until Buck separates them.
"Wait. I wanna know what your sisters won't let you live down." He smiles up at Eddie, finding joy in the small wave of vulnerability that spreads across his face.
Eddie frowns slightly, "when we were out drinking," he stops to sigh dramatically, "I said your name twenty-one times in four hours."
Buck snorts in laughter, hugging Eddies body closer, as if it's possible at this point. Eddie is unaware of the irony in his statement. He will find out in due time.
"I love you." Bucks smile is huge.
"I love you, too." Eddies is bigger.