Chapter Text
Negative after negative after negative. After nearly two years of trying, seeing a negative test shouldn’t be surprising. You shouldn’t be disheartened at the sight of the single line on the test, it should be expected. It doesn’t get easier, on the contrary, you feel yourself become more miserable each time.
You’re not running out of time by any means, but you feel as if you’re missing that opportunity. There’s clearly something wrong, and you can’t pinpoint the problem. You don’t know what’s stopping you from getting pregnant. You don’t know what you’re doing wrong. Maybe it’s you– Maybe you can’t have what you so badly want.
It’s come to the point where you wrap the negative test up and throw it in the trash. You wipe your tears before walking out of the bathroom and facing your husband. You put up a fake smile, kiss his cheek and act as if nothing is going on.
“I’m going away this weekend.” Naoya announces before he turns up the volume of the television. He doesn’t want you to ask questions, a hint that you don’t quite catch.
“What? What are you doing?” You slightly tilt your head as you question his plans. To say you’re shocked is an understatement, even though you shouldn’t. Suddenly your husband has an influx of work trips that require him to be away for days on end. You miss the eyeroll that he does, and how his lips purse together in annoyance.
“Work.” He hopes that the simple word will shut you up, and doesn’t spiral into an interrogation. Luckily for him, you’re not in a very talkative mood. You look off to the side as you wait for him to say something else. He doesn’t, so you stand up and walk away.
Your relationship is slowly becoming stale but your mind is too focused on other issues to care. You’ve set a goal that you’re set on achieving, and every time you fail, you’re distraught. Every negative test makes you feel like you’re further from achieving that goal.
It’s selfish and rather concerning, but slowly you feel like you’d leave everything behind to achieve it. You’re slowly becoming obsessed with it.
– – –
“Why is he going again this weekend?” Mio, your best friend, hands you a glass of wine, one that you simply put to the side to stare at. You don’t have the heart to tell her that you’re still not drinking after two years. It feels ridiculous to tell her that you’re still trying, especially knowing that she hates your husband’s guts.
“Work.” You tell her, making her scoff. You can go back and forth about it, but you don’t have the energy to even speak about your husband. Before she can even spew her baseless (though not so baseless) comments about your husband, you ask the question, “When’s Hanae coming home?”
The woman nearly sighs at the reminder. While she loves her daughter, she feels herself getting exhausted. The six-year-old isn’t easy to handle. She loves her unconditionally regardless. She grabs her phone to look at the time before telling you, “Any time now.”
She takes a sip of her wine, staring you down. She feels the energy you’re giving off is weird. It’s getting harder to ignore these days. She often wonders if it has to do with your husband, but she doesn’t have the heart to question it. She already knows you’re uncomfortable enough with any remark that leaves her mouth.
“You know, these days it feels like you’re here for the sole purpose of hanging out with her.” She jokes, earning a chuckle from you. She grabs your arm and playfully tugs on it. She rocks you back and forth right along with her before whining, “It’s not fair! I was your friend first!”
“What can I say? There was an instant connection!” You joke, earning a laugh from her.
“You know I got a call from Satoru yesterday, and he told me that she got in trouble at school for dropping the f bomb.” Mio shares, and you burst into laughter. To think of the small child saying fuck– Just to think of Satoru’s reaction to his daughter saying a bad word has you hysterical.
“Let me guess, Satoru called you raging.” You comment, making her nod.
“He was talking about ‘oh how could she pick up that language? You and I are going to have a serious chat about what you’re teaching her’. Dude, it was so dumb, I’m telling you. Like how do you know it was me?” She complains, and you’re almost insane enough to try to defend Satoru. Luckily, you aren’t stupid enough to actually say something in his defense.
“What did you say?”
“I told him he should take her more often since he wants to judge my parenting so bad.” She continues to rant about her ex-husband, and you simply nod in response. Even though she complains about Satoru often, they both get along very well.
The ranting comes to an abrupt end when the doorbell rings through your ears. She scoffs, muttering, “Speak of the devil.”
She stands up from the couch and practically runs to get the door. She’s not excited to see Satoru, but her daughter stands on the other side of the door. You watch from a distance as she opens the door, quickly engulfing her daughter in a hug. You feel your heart swell as you watch it, a subtle reminder of your current issues.
“Hi, my baby. How are you?” Mio takes Hanae’s bag before guiding her inside.
“I’m good! Daddy took me–” Hanae begins to share her day with her mother, the brightest smile on her face as she recalls every detail. Satoru steps inside as well, waving at you before going to the kitchen. He makes himself welcome in the home.
Hanae stops talking when she realizes you’re in the home. She goes running to you with open arms, yelling aunty over and over again. You hug her, kissing her temple. You smile at her before saying, “Look at you! You’re so big. It’s been a while since the last time–”
“I saw you two days ago.” Hanae reminds you, and you chuckle. She’s right, but it seems like every time you see her she grows an inch.
“Hanae, what was that I heard of you using bad words in school?” Mio quickly shifts the tone, making her daughter’s eyes widen. The child looks at you for help, and you quickly understand the signal.
“You must be swamped with homework, honey. I heard they make first graders do a lot of homework nowadays.” You speak up, making Hanae nod in agreement. Mio ends up sighing before handing the child the backpack, letting her get away with her bad behavior for now. It’s Mio’s fault really, she should’ve known it’d be a bad idea to bring up the topic with you in the home.
“You’re such a bitch.” Mio comments when Hanae is out of earshot. Her own words make her regret her actions. She quickly follows after the child to scold her.
You laugh again, grabbing your glass of wine before walking to the kitchen. You find Satoru munching on whatever he can get his hands on, as if he still lived in the home. He watches you put the glass filled with wine in the sink, quickly commenting, “Are you all done with that?”
“I’m not really drinking.” You share, not adding any additional details. You have your own reasons, and Satoru has little to no interest in it, at least that’s what you assume. You often forget just how nosy Satoru is.
“Really? You and Mio can usually finish an entire bottle in a matter of hours.” He comments, and you simply hum in agreement, not bothering to contradict him. There’s nothing to argue with, he’s right. But it seems that you don’t quite catch the hint, making him say, “That was me asking why you aren’t drinking.”
“Naoya and I are trying.” You respond, making him furrow his eyebrows. There’s a genuine look of confusion on his face, which is perplexing to you. Satoru is not a dumb man by any means, he should know what you mean.
“Trying for what?” The dumb question almost makes you question the past years of friendship that you’ve had with Satoru. Is he really dumb or if he’s messing with you right now?
“A baby.” You clarify, something so obvious yet Satoru looks at you confused. He opens his mouth to speak, but he’s cut off as Mio comes back to the kitchen.
“She’s crying, go comfort her, Satoru.” She orders, and Satoru rolls his eyes before going after his daughter.
“He’s so weird.” You comment, and Mio nods in agreement.
– – –
It’s very rare the times you see Satoru. Even when you’re best friends with his ex-wife, you only ever see each other once every couple of months. Yet the last couple of days you’ve been bumping into him any place you go. At first it wasn’t awkward, but after the third occurrence you can’t help but look awkwardly at each other.
At some point you both start ignoring each other. Maybe it’s after the sixth or seventh occurrence but you simply make eye contact and don’t even bother acknowledging each other. You and Satoru have never been particularly close, it’s not like you’re hurting each other's feelings by turning your cheek.
You lose track, but maybe after the tenth time, Satoru finally approaches you. It catches you off guard, and it stops you in your tracks. Your phone is open with a crafted message for Mio, telling her to pick up Satoru since it seems that he’s stalking you nowadays. You look at him with an awkward smile, quickly shutting off your phone and greeting him, “Hi, Satoru. Nice seeing you again for the–”
“Can I sit here? Or are you dining with Naoya?” Satoru interrupts, pulling the chair that’s across from you. He’s seen you enough this weekend to know that you’re alone.
“I’m here alone, you can sit there.” You tell him, and he takes his seat. You suddenly become tense, a lump in your throat as you sit across from Satoru. You’ve been acquaintances for years, and have seen each other enough to even call him your friend, but it’s truly the first time that you find yourself alone with Satoru.
“Where’s Naoya?” Satoru cocks his eyebrow. It seems that he’s been dying to ask the question. In the countless encounters you’ve had in the past two days, he hasn’t seen Naoya once. It’s fair to say that questions have risen in his mind.
“He’s away on a work trip for the weekend.” You answer, making him scoff. You raise your brows, tilting your head and asking, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“A work trip? What does he do again?” The tone in his voice fills you with annoyance. It’s almost like he’s questioning your husband’s loyalty, and you don’t like that.
“What exactly are you insinuating about your friend?” You give him the subtle reminder that Naoya has been his friend for years as well. To question his loyalty is not only disrespectful to you but disrespectful to the friendship he’s formed with Naoya.
“Nothing, I’m just curious.” He claims even if that’s not what you were picking up from his tone. You’re willing to ignore it to not make things awkward between you two. It’s almost like you’re co-parents considering that you and Mio are attached to the hip (though you barely see Satoru).
“This is the twelfth time?” You change the topic, and he furrows his brows in confusion. He’s not quite sure what you’re talking about until it hits him.
“I don’t count half of those since you started to ignore me after the sixth time.” He comments, making you laugh. He acts as if he wasn’t looking the other way to ignore you as well.
“Was it me or you?” You ask, remembering vividly how Satoru turned his head to avoid the awkward greeting. He ends up shrugging, knowing that he can’t back up his argument. “Why did you decide to sit here?”
“I just thought you looked lonely, so I said hey why not join her?” He shares, and you almost roll your eyes.
“So you took pity on me?” You have a joking tone, but you’re half serious. He ends up shaking his head.
“I just want to chat.” He shrugs, but you don’t really buy it. Satoru has had the opportunity to chat with you around twelve times in the past two days, yet he vehemently has chosen to ignore you. Perhaps he’s had a change of heart, or he has other questions to ask. You just want to know his underlying purpose for approaching you.
“Hmm… Alright.” You nod. You wait for him to say something else, start the conversation that he came here to have. It takes him a second to actually say something, and he does so by pointing at your drink.
“You know, that’s not going to help.” He says, making you frown. You look down at your soda as if it has done something. It’s just a soda, it has nothing mixed in.
“What are you talking about?”
“I recall you said you weren’t drinking alcohol because you’re trying,” he begins, and before you can open your mouth defending your drink decisions and sobriety, he says, “Drinking or not drinking isn’t going to change anything.”
“And when did you become a fertility doctor?” Your remark comes out a little more snappy than what you intended, but you don’t apologize since you mean every word. Satoru clears his throat, looking rather serious. Satoru is what you’d like to call a goofball; throughout the time that you’ve known each other, Satoru only gets serious when the matter concerns his daughter.
“Has Naoya talked to you?” The question sends a chill down your spine. Your stomach suddenly churns and you begin to feel uneasy. The question shouldn’t spark this type of reaction from you.
“About?” You shake your head, and Satoru clears his throat. He guessed as much. It’s why he’s suddenly decided to approach you since in your last encounter (the one that you actually spoke to each other) you told him something that caught him off guard.
“Let me buy you a drink first.” He tries to give you the sickly sweet smile that makes just about anyone fawn over. He wants to lure you in and let you down gently. He wants realization to hit the morning after, when he isn’t around to deal with the fallout. He should know it’s not that easy, at least not with you. He’s known you for as long as he’s known his ex-wife, and he’s sure of one thing. You’re stubborn.
“No. What were you going to say?” You refuse, and Satoru bites his tongue. He dwells on it for a second before an exasperated sigh leaves his lips. This is what he came for in the first place, it shouldn’t be that bad.
“One night when Mio forced me to take out Naoya, something about getting him off your hair, he got really drunk,” Satoru begins to recall every detail. He mentions the date, the exact time, how the weather was outside, the bar that they went to together– The rambling becomes too much for you, making you cut him off and demand,
“Get to the point.”
“While he was drunk he confessed to me that he was infertile. It’d take damn near a miracle for him to have a kid of his own.” Satoru confesses, making you furrow your brows in confusion. It takes a second for his words to process in your head, but when it finally hits you, your heart drops. You’re not quite sure how to respond.
It’s involuntary, but you burst into laughter. Are you in disbelief? A little bit. You’re not sure if you can’t believe what Satoru has told you, or that Naoya would keep such a big detail from you.
“You’re lying.” You laugh as if Satoru is joking with you. He has to be. Naoya wouldn’t be lying to your face like this. Not when you’re both actively trying to start a family. And while you laugh, Satoru stares at you with a serious expression on his face. It’s not a matter of laughter.
“I wish I could tell you I was.” He remains calm and collected. The calmness in his voice makes you feel uncomfortable. You begin to feel nauseous, and you try to take deep breaths to calm yourself. You believe him. Satoru has no reason to lie to you, at least not in this manner. Satoru is a little goofy, and he plays a prank every once in a while, but never like this.
“Why would he lie to me like that? He wouldn’t.” Even when you fully believe what Satoru has to say, you feel the need to defend your husband.
Satoru chuckles, simply nodding in response. He has no reason to argue, after all, he’s just giving you a warning. You can choose whether or not you want to listen to him. By not listening to him you’ll kill your own chances of getting what you want. In the end, it doesn’t concern him.
– – –
Satoru’s words remain buried inside your mind. You try to forget about them, hoping that your trust for your husband is stronger than what it actually is. You try to believe that Noaya wouldn’t lie to you, at least not in this manner. Hiding this from you would simply break your relationship, one way or another.
When Naoya comes back, you pretend like you’re not doubting every single thing that he’s told you. He’s more relaxed and dare you say nicer when he gets back from his work trip, the last thing you want to do is bring up the rather difficult subject. You think about ignoring it the first couple of days, but as Naoya grows quieter, you feel a pit form in your stomach.
There’s no easy way to bring it up, and you try to think of the smoothest way to bring it up. Some way to bring up the subject without Naoya getting mad.
You’re zoning out as you peel a carrot. You hope that making his favorite meal will ease things when you confront him about it. You’re not entirely focusing on the task at hand, which doesn’t help your case. The food will come out subpar at best, but you can’t help it. You keep thinking about how you’ll bring up the subject to him. There’s no easy way to accuse your husband of lying to your face for the past two years.
“Hey, Naoya, so–” You’re even practicing how to start your conversation. Perhaps if you put this same energy into trusting your husband, you’d be more at ease. You clear your throat before you start all over again, “Hey, babe so–”
“Fuck! Ouch, ouch ouch!” Too lost in your own thoughts, you grazed your finger. You put down the peeler and stare at the cut. You’re not bleeding too much, it’s not a big deal. But you don’t want to keep preparing food with a fresh cut. At the very least you need to clean it up and get a bandaid.
You go to the bathroom, searching in every cabinet for a bandaid, but it seems like you’ve run out. Or you’ve lost them since you remember buying a box not too long ago. You look in your nightstand, and when you don’t find anything, you move to your husband’s.
The moment you open the drawer, your eyes widen, your heart dropping. Your breath gets caught up in your chest, and with shaky hands you grab the box that’s in the drawer. You’re invading his privacy, and you know he’s going to get upset about it.
Satoru could be lying to you about Naoya’s fertility, but Naoya is certainly lying to you about what he’s doing. You feel sick. You have no need for these, and you know these aren’t old. You put the box back into the drawer, closing it. Your hands tremble, and you take slow deep breaths to keep yourself from puking your guts out in the bathroom.
Now your confrontation topic shifts, and you’re not quite sure you can step up to the role. At least not tonight.
You grab your phone, immediately trying to reach Mio for comfort. You need to go out to clear your mind, because right now the walls are closing in on you and you’re slowly suffocating. You can’t face Naoya– You need to talk to someone. You need advice. Or at the very least a shoulder you can cry on.
Except that shoulder that you can cry on doesn’t pick up the phone. The phone rings over and over again, and when you’re met with her voice, it’s just her voicemail. You stare at your phone, feeling the tears well up in your eyes as you debate on calling her again. You soon remember you’re not her priority. She has her own daughter to take care of, and she must be too preoccupied to answer.
You turn off your phone, grabbing your car keys and purse, knowing that you can’t stay in the apartment for too long.
– – –
Satoru doesn’t know how he ended up here next to you, or why the hell you ended up calling him. All that he knows is that you can hold your liquor really well, and that he’s got a hefty bar tab to pay. He’s stone cold sober, refusing to let his lips touch a drop of alcohol, yet he’s here, watching you down one margarita after the other. He wishes he could say it’s entertaining, but it’s depressing, really.
“So you think he’s cheating on you because you found condoms…?” Satoru is a little confused by your accusation. He absolutely hates taking Naoya’s side in anything, but he wouldn’t say that condoms are a big deal– But the longer he thinks on it, you might have a case. “Maybe they’re old.”
“We’ve been trying for a baby for the past two years.” You comment before you take another sip of your drink. Your throat burns as you swallow, but it tastes good. It somehow makes you feel better, and stops you from crying. “There’s no need for them.”
“Maybe they’re old.” Satoru isn’t really all that great at the whole comforting you thing, but you didn’t expect anything else, after all, he is a man.
“Not the type we would use.” You point out, and Satoru shrugs. For a man that doesn’t really appreciate Naoya’s presence, he’s going out of his way to defend him. At least you know if you were in his shoes, you wouldn’t be trying to find logic in the situation. Right now you wish you had Mio next to you, knowing that she wouldn’t find any logic because she truly hates Naoya’s guts.
“Maybe you aren’t remembering things right, you did say it’s been two years.” He claims, and you glare at him.
“Satoru.” He can tell you aren’t too pleased with him, and he chuckles, lightly shaking his head.
“Nevermind.” He says, eyes staring at you as you take another sip. He should be concerned with how fast you’re finishing the drinks, quickly ordering another one; you seem to be handling them well but he has a feeling that you’ll tumble over when it's time to leave. “How did you find them anyway?”
“I cut myself making dinner, and I was looking for a bandaid.” You look down at the fresh cut. It doesn’t hurt that much right now, but you know if you were to put your finger on the glass rim, you’d cry out in pain.
“Let me see.” He grabs your hand, staring at the small wound on your finger. Nothing too bad he’d say, but he sees why you would look for a bandaid. He chuckles, commenting, “All this over a bandaid?”
“Condoms.” You correct him, and he nods. “Since when are you two friends? You’re getting really defensive.”
“No, it's just…” Satoru doesn’t know what to say. Satoru has questioned your husband’s loyalty before, it’s not like this is something new. But he doesn’t feel like condoms are solid proof to point fingers. Sure, Satoru has his suspicions but this isn’t solid proof in his books. “I’d think you would be more upset about the whole fertility thing.”
“You know I was going to confront him about it tonight, but then I found out he was cheating on me.” You take another sip. By the way you’re drinking, he knows that you’ve chosen to believe him about the whole thing. Or you’ve simply given up on kids for now, at least you’re not planning to have them with your husband. “So who cares.”
“Are you leaving him?” He asks, and you shrug. You’ve been with Naoya for so long that he’s all you know. Not only that, but you’d have to start over. Right when you’re trying to expand your family.
It’s clearly the universe giving you a sign to leave before it’s too late, but you’re selfish. You want your baby and you want it now. Just how your best friend has a priority, someone that’s always by their side, and relies on her, you want the same thing. It’s not healthy but the want stopped being healthy and became an obsession a while ago.
“You know,” Satoru sighs, barely believing the words that are about to leave his lips, “I’ve always appreciated how strong and resilient you are. Especially with the asshole husband you chose.”
“Thank you, Gojo.” Your eyebrows are perked up, surprised that you’ve heard those words come from the man next to you. You and Satoru have always gotten along, but you wouldn’t say you’ve ever been close. Never close enough to say what you admire about each other.
“I’ll lose all respect for you if you choose to stay with him. If you’re so convinced that he’s cheated on you, you should leave him.” He adds, and you feel a tug on your heartstrings. He’s right. If Naoya is truly infertile as Satoru claims, even the obsession that holds you behind isn’t enough.
“Buy me another drink?” You bat your eyelashes at him, giving him your best smile, making Satoru roll his eyes before chuckling. Sure. Whatever. It’s probably the first time you’ve had a drink in two years, and you’re clearly upset. It’s not like he can’t afford it.
“If I can’t afford child support this month, I’m letting Mio know that you drank it away.” He jokes, motioning to the bartender to get you another drink. He furrows his brows before pointing at the empty glass, “You hold your alcohol really well.”
“I’m a little tipsy.” You pinch your fingers together, and Satoru raises his eyebrows. You seem normal, but he guesses he wouldn’t be the best judge of that. Satoru knows you, but not as well as Mio would. “I still know everything I’m saying.”
“Do you remember that one time you and Mio got so drunk, you both fell asleep on the porch of our old house.” The man recalls, a low laugh leaving his lips at the old memory. It was so long ago, yet he remembers it as if it was yesterday. You end up laughing, the vague memory slowly coming to you. Maybe the want of a baby wasn’t the only reason you stopped drinking. “I found the keys on the floor, but neither of you could get it open.”
“Mio was such a bad influence on me– I swear we were just going out for dinner and before I knew it, she had gotten me drunk.” You giggle, and Satoru agrees. He used to blame you for being a bad influence on his ex-wife, but one day he woke up and realized he didn’t know her as well as he thought he did. You find yourself reminiscing about those days, a sigh escaping your lips, “It’s crazy how it all changed.”
“Having kids turns your life upside down. I don’t recommend.” Satoru jokes, though he isn’t completely joking. He loves his daughter more than anything, that’s true, but he does miss the days where he had no one to worry about but himself. It’s a lifetime commitment.
“I really want my life turned upside down.” You have for the past two years– No, ever since you entered adulthood. Not even. You’ve lost track of time. You simply know it’s always been something you’ve wanted.
“Hey, maybe you get really lucky once you leave Naoya.” He says, but that dark cloud looms over, making you think of the worst case scenario.
“What if I’m the problem?” You bury your face into your hands, making Satoru pat your shoulder.
“I’m sure you aren’t.” He responds, and the next words are meant to reassure you, but they don’t come out as he intends, “You look very fertile.”
You burst out laughing, looking at him in disbelief at the absurd words he’s chosen. Satoru quickly realizes, and laughs with you. At least he’s helping you get over the tears, that’s a start.
“You got an eye for fertile women? How else would you know?” You reply, and Satoru nods.
“Fertile guy such as myself would know.” He responds, knowing that his daughter was an instance from the one and only time that he decided that a condom wasn’t worth the hassle. Does he love her more than anything, but he wishes he could knock some self into his younger self. At least the instance was with his wife and not with some random chick.
“Really?” You cock your eyebrow. You’re amused but also curious.
“Yup.” He nods.
“You know if you’re so fertile, you should consider knocking me up.” You’re joking. You’re not joking by any means. A very inappropriate joke, but the line between appropriate and whatnot blurred three drinks in. Satoru chuckles, taking the joke well.
However, by no means is Satoru joking when he says, “If that’s what you want me to do, I’ll get you pregnant.”